


Tale of Years: 1950

by Jessica314



Series: Tale of Years [3]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Historical, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 227,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26001412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessica314/pseuds/Jessica314
Summary: In 1950, a pair of mysterious, gifted vampires arrives at the Cullen residence, ready to join the family. That's right, it's finally time to meet Alice and Jasper! Can be read alone, or as the seventh installment in the Tale of Years Series. Canon Twilight prequel, Edward POV. Begins with Edward's first time in medical school.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale
Series: Tale of Years [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856386
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29
Collections: Twilight FanFiction





	1. Prologue

**Welcome to Tale of Years: 1950!**

**I think I can speak for all of us when I say this is the one I've been the most excited about. And in terms of length, complexity, and drama, this is going to be *the big one*. The final coming-together of the entire Cullen family is the natural climax to the series, and it will also be the climax for Edward's journey in terms of identity crisis and emotional development.**

**I said in my series intro (on my profile) that each family member has taught Edward something new, so in this story Alice will be teaching him to trust and Jasper will be teaching him to forgive himself.**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: Before you read on, you may want to read the "Awakening, "Finally!" and "Hope" Outtakes (labeled years 1920 and 1948) now, if you haven't yet. These show what Alice and Jasper have been up to lately, so they're not necessary but they do give a fuller picture. I would save the "Arrival" outtakes for later on. (I have notes included later in 1950 of when to read them.)**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga and its universe. No profit is made here and no offense intended.**

* * *

**Prologue**

**August 1948**

I sat in the lobby between Carlisle and Esme, nervously tapping my fingers on my lap as we waited for the Dean's secretary to call us in. Carlisle nudged my shoulder, and gave me an encouraging smile.

_Relax, son. You're going to be fine._

I nodded, but my fingers refused to stop tapping until Esme reached over and laid her hand on mine, sending me her own mental encouragement.

_You can do this. You're ready._

I swallowed, but allowed my left hand to relax as Esme continued to rub it with her thumb. My right hand was clutching a brown folder, filled with the lies and forgeries that told the story of why Dartmouth Medical School would be lucky to have me.

It was the most elaborate cover story we had ever composed. According to the papers, we had been in Sweden for the past six years while Carlisle, himself a rising young star in the medical field, finished school and completed his final residency at St. Eriks Ögonjukhus. I was a child prodigy- only eighteen, and already a graduate, Summa Cum Laude, of Stockholm University. I had majored in Chemistry with an emphasis on Pre-Med, and now that we were back in America, I was eager to follow in my adopted father's footsteps by attending an Ivy League medical school.

It was an old trick that Carlisle had used before. Schools and employers were much less likely to look into your past if you peppered your references with prestigious, foreign-sounding names. And dressing like you were filthy rich didn't hurt, either; the outfit Esme was wearing today had cost more than Carlisle's first automobile. And we really _had_ been to Sweden, back in '45; just long enough to steal some Stockholm University letterhead, and to brush up on our Swedish in case we were ever challenged. During our travels, Carlisle had made it a habit to collect letterhead from various places that we visited; we never knew when we might need a new cover story. I even had a couple of references with real addresses: Garrett Shoemaker, who had been my priest during my youth in Boston, and Liam O'Neill, an Oxford-educated Irishman who had been my tutor in Sweden. It was doubtful that either vampire would ever check the post office boxes that we had signed them up for, but it was a nice touch, nonetheless.

But despite our preparation, I was still nervous. For one thing, I knew it wasn't standard procedure for the Dean of Students to interview applicants to the Medical School. Why had he asked to meet with us today? I had been closely observing the Dean's thoughts over the past twenty minutes, though I had yet to hear him think about me, in particular. All we knew was that he had "taken an interest" in my application, and wanted to meet me in person.

But the real reason for my anxiety was that I had been preparing for this moment for ten years. I had half-heartedly aimed for medical school in the past, back in the early thirties- though that had really been for Carlisle's sake, not mine. I hadn't really given much thought back then to whether or not I would be capable of getting through such a program, in terms of blood exposure. My education had been interrupted so often during the thirties that it really hadn't mattered.

But I was ready now. Ever since Eleazar's breakthrough in '40, medical school had become a real possibility, instead of just a dream. In the past ten years, I had achieved success after success with the blood challenges, to the point where _I_ was now the one preparing the blood, and standing right beside it as it warmed. I still experienced thirst each time-more than I liked- but Carlisle had finally pronounced me ready for medical school, earlier this year. It would be some time before I would be required to be around real, bleeding patients, though- Dartmouth was in a bit of a downswing, and its students had little access to real patient care. There was still time to tighten my control even further. During the next few months, Carlisle would begin slowly exposing me to the smell of fresh blood at Cottage Hospital, the rural clinic where he had just begun working.

We had, in fact, picked Dartmouth precisely _because_ of the lack of clinical training here. The medical school had stopped offering a full M.D. program back in 1914, after a review board declared the rural location too remote to offer enough patient interaction for the students. But the school was still Ivy League, still growing, and still quite prestigious, by any count. Students attended DMS for two years for their pre-clinical instruction, and then were farmed out to other schools and hospitals for the remainder of their tenure. If all went well, I would receive my certificate of completion in 1950, ready to finish my M.D. at any one of the schools nearby.

It was perfect. Not only did Dartmouth's current problems ensure that I wouldn't be much exposed to blood, but it also worked perfectly with my inability to age. It might be noticed, over the span of a four-year medical degree and the residencies that followed, that I never aged past my child-prodigy appearance. But with a new set of peers halfway through, it was conceivable that I could make it all the way through to my M.D. without having to uproot the family.

And after that? Only time would tell. This was only my first attempt, after all, and I hadn't even been accepted to the program yet. Carlisle had truly enjoyed himself this summer, helping me prepare my application and the necessary forgeries, alongside his own. He had, of course, been to medical school several times himself, though not since he had changed me. I had enjoyed sharing in the memories that our project brought up in his mind- some dating back even to the Renaissance. But our crowning achievement had been my entrance essay, and the diagnosis of hemophilia which had inspired it.

We had used the hemophilia ruse before, back in '31. I had still been readjusting to the vegetarian diet and human interaction at the time. Carlisle had wanted me to be excused from Physical Education classes, in which my peers were most likely to injure themselves and test my control, which was shaky at best back then.

But this time around, the diagnosis was a must. Even in these first two years of med school, we would be practicing on each other: blood pressure cuffs, injections, scraping cell samples, drawing blood- and I simply wouldn't be able to avoid them all. And even if I had Carlisle's level of control, which I didn't, my own impenetrable skin would make it impossible, not to mention dangerous, for me to participate. So Carlisle had, once again, drawn up the necessary papers to prove my childhood diagnosis of hemophilia. It would be a shame for whoever had the misfortune of being my lab partner, but that was their problem.

It had been Esme's idea to have my entrance essay center around my struggles as a hemophiliac. We invented a childhood car accident in which I had almost died from blood loss, and the months of recovery that had led to my interest in becoming a doctor, myself. To make it even more of a tearjerker, we decided that the accident would be the same one in which my biological parents were killed. Carlisle had been the young, friendly, pre-med student who had noticed my plight and decided to adopt me. His new wife, Esme, had taken to the idea at once, coming to visit me in the hospital. According to the essay, it had been the look of awe and admiration in Esme's face, as she gazed at her new husband, that had gotten me thinking about a career in medicine. The story got even better after that: as my hemophilia complicated my recovery from the near-death experience, Esme had begun homeschooling me. This was how my studies had begun to accelerate, getting me into Stockholm University at the tender age of fifteen. With my brilliant I.Q. and the encouragement of my new parents, I had whizzed through University in three years, more determined than ever to become a physician.

So there it was: an entire life, riddled with tragedy and inspiration, down on paper. I just hoped the Dean of Students was a gullible man.

"Dr. and Mrs. Cullen? The Dean will see you now."

All three of us stood and headed into the office. The Dean was a jolly-looking, heavyset fellow in his mid-fifties who motioned us in with a wave of his meaty hand and gestured to the three chairs opposite his desk. He lumbered out of his own chair with a wheeze, shaking hands with all of us and grumbling about the climate in Sweden having ruined our circulation.

"So, Mr. Cullen," he said as he landed back in his chair, "I've been looking over your papers, and it seems that you have your heart set on being a Dartmouth man."

"Yes, sir," I answered politely, offering him my folder.

He waved it away, and I was impressed- and dismayed- to see his photographic memory flipping through everything he had already read about me. His relaxed, disheveled appearance hid a mind that was obviously quite brilliant. This was usually a bad sign, in our case. Intelligent people had a tendency to question things.

"Must admit," he said after a deep breath, "I've never had an eighteen-year-old sitting in this office before. Quite remarkable. You really think you're ready for this, son?"

I leaned forward in my chair with a smile, trying to strike a balance between bashful innocence and confidence. "I think so, sir. I realize I may be a little younger than most of your applicants, but I've prepared myself as best I can, and I've overcome challenges before."

"Yes, hemophilia, isn't it? I must say, I'm a bit surprised. Most hemophiliacs I've treated have quite a fear of doctors. Never saw one want to _become_ one."

I nodded. "I'd say that I've developed a healthy fear of needles, at least. But I've had some very positive role models in the physicians that I've dealt with in the past, my father included."

Carlisle discreetly kicked my foot under the chair. _Bring it down a notch, Edward. You sound like you're forty-five years old._

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I _was_ forty-five years old; forty-seven, actually. Still, he had a point.

"I guess I was afraid of doctors when I was little," I continued, trying to lighten up my vocabulary. "It wasn't until after the accident that I got over my fear. I learned a lot just by being in the hospital for so long, and I began to admire the doctors who had worked so hard to save my life."

"And that's when you met Dr. Cullen," the Dean put in, looking at Carlisle with a mixture of admiration and suspicion. _They almost look the same age. Quite odd._

"I was hardly a doctor at the time," Carlisle said, putting on a youthful smile. "I was a senior at UMass, and studying Biology, Pre-Med. It was quite the fortunate accident that brought Edward and I together; I was shadowing a physician in a local hospital as part of my senior project, and Edward's case ended up being the one that my mentor suggested that I use as my case study. I guess you could say that the more I got to know him, the harder it was to imagine him being alone in the world- he was eleven years old, and I knew that older children tend to have difficulty being adopted. And he was such a _good_ young man, and so promising, that I couldn't bear to just walk away and leave him."

Esme chimed in for the first time, her warm voice instantly drawing the Dean's attention. "So Carlisle told me his idea, and brought me in to meet him. You see, we had just gotten married, and we already knew that I could never have children. So we were planning to adopt at some point anyway, and as soon as I met Edward, I just knew it was the right thing to do. Of course, we had no way of knowing at the time that my father was about to have his stroke, but moving to Sweden ended up giving both my husband and my son even more opportunities."

Carlisle and Esme shared a sweet look while the Dean shook his head. _Incredible. Adopting an eleven-year old at age twenty-two. Moving across the ocean to take care of your father-in-law. Do these things really happen?_ He cleared his throat, staring at Esme's diamond necklace and fantasizing about Carlisle's net worth. "I suppose you'll be expecting some special allowances for the hemophilia. For starters, we'd make sure that you're in a group of three for your labs, so that your partners will be able to practice on each other when it comes to sharp objects."

"Blood pressure cuffs as well, if you don't mind," Carlisle added. "Edward's arms were covered in bruises when I first met him in the hospital. And even his wrists, from nurses checking his pulse."

Clever.

"Of course, of course," the Dean agreed, turning a sharp eye toward me. "But this doesn't excuse _you_ from working on your lab partners, Cullen. I'll not have a med student who's afraid to touch a needle or a scalpel, just because he's afraid of cutting himself."

I smiled and nodded, covering the very real fear that the thought of using a _scalpel_ brought me. "Of course not, sir. I don't want any special accommodations, other than being spared the risk of injury to myself."

He leaned back in his chair, his eyes boring into my own as though I were a microscope slide. _His condition isn't the problem-it's his youth. I'd hate to waste our time-and his- when he really isn't ready. Being a kid genius doesn't make one mature enough to chase after an M.D. And kids like this tend to be a little too arrogant for their own good. Not sure I want that around._

I kept my hopeful smile on, my heart sinking as he continued thinking of reasons why having a "kid genius" in the ranks was a bad idea. We had known it was a risk using such a young age; but we had done it anyway, hoping for a longer stay, and an uninterrupted education for once. But none of that mattered if I couldn't even get _in_. Fortunately, the Dean's eyes drifted back to Esme's diamond necklace again.

 _But_ _having a parent like Dr. Cullen- well, just imagine if he became a trustee someday! And the kid does seem mature, as well as intelligent. This might be just the sort of thing our school needs to get us out of this slump- Dartmouth on the cutting edge again, full of bright young stars. Yes. The Board is going to eat this up, if I spin it the right way. And they'll love his essay._

He heaved himself out of his chair and extended his hand, which I eagerly took.

"Welcome to Dartmouth, Mr. Cullen."

.

.

.

A month later, I was sitting in my first Gross Anatomy lecture, waiting for the professor to arrive. There were 107 of us, but I was sitting on the fringes, with Nick Lawrence on one side and William Cummings on the other. We had all, on the list posted on the door of the lecture hall, learned who our assigned partners were, both for dissection lab and for the labs in the classes that would follow. I was explaining to Nick and William the reason why we had been assigned as a group of three, instead of two.

"So, you could bleed to death, just from accidentally cutting yourself?" Nick asked in awe.

I smiled patiently. "It's unlikely that I would really die this close to a hospital, but yes, that's the idea. This way, when it's time for practice with needles and such, you two will be able to work on each other, and I'll just work on you two."

"Seems like a risky profession for someone who's afraid of sharp objects," William said blandly. It was quite clear from his thoughts that he thought I was a spoiled sissy.

"I'm not afraid of sharp objects," I said, with slightly less patience than before. "I just have to be careful, is all." Of course, the real risk was one of _them_ cutting themselves in front of me. I had confidence in my new level of control, but if blood was to flow unexpectedly- from a slash wound, no less- I wouldn't want to bet on the results. At least I had done a few dissection labs before, back in '31, and I hadn't killed anyone then.

"Anyway," I continued, "it was actually my hemophilia that got me interested in medicine. I'm thinking about going into research. Maybe I'll be the one to cure hemophilia someday." This was, by far, the funniest part of my cover story: a vampire, aiming for a career in hematology. Carlisle had cautioned me not to share this "dream" with my professors, lest one of them kindly get me an internship in a hematology lab. But I would enjoy my little joke for now.

"I want to be the doctor for the Cardinals," said Nick, who was from Chicago.

"I want to go into Orthopedics, too," said William. "I was in the Naval Reserve during the War, and I saw too many of my buddies come back with missing parts. Made me want to learn how to save some legs, if I can."

Nick snorted. "Well, for the next four months, you'll be cutting parts _off_ , you know?"

William rolled his eyes. "Funny. What about you, Cullen? Were you over there?"

Nick shoved him. "Dope. He's a bleeder, remember? They'd never let him in the military."

William blushed over to me apologetically. "Oh… right. Sorry. That must have been awful, not being able to go." _Poor guy. I'll bet every one of his friends went._

I almost mouthed off about being too young at the time, but decided against it. For some reason, I seemed to actually be making a good impression, and pointing out my "kid genius" status probably wasn't the way to go. So for once, I went with the truth.

"You have no idea," I sighed. "I wanted more than anything to be a soldier, and to serve my country. I dreamed about nothing else, during the War."

William nodded in approval and I hid my smile, thinking that reminiscing about one World War was as good as another. I was about to ask Nick if he had enlisted, as well, when the professor finally walked in.

"Good morning," he said briskly, opening his notes as soon as he touched the podium. "Before we begin, I'd like to give you all the standard welcome that all med students receive. I want you to look to the person at your left, and then the one at your right. Memorize those faces."

Nick, William and I looked at each other dutifully.

The professor's face was grave. "By the time you lot reach your certificate, one of those faces will be gone. You all chose a lofty goal, coming here, and some of you aren't going to make it. Having said that, I applaud your choice. Some of you are older than others, and some are younger. Some of you are already husbands, fathers. And many of you have already risked your lives to serve our country. But all of you have embarked on a journey that, if you can make it, will be the most rewarding path you could have walked: you'll be saving lives. Let's begin."

As we opened our textbooks, Nick, William, and I glanced at each other again, silently wishing each other luck. William and Nick were secretly hoping that our little group of three would beat the odds; they were both already worried about me, thinking I was delicate and sickly. I certainly looked the part, what with my pallor and half-thirsty eyes.

I was just hoping I wouldn't accidentally kill either of them this afternoon, when the professor armed us with our scalpels.

.

.

.

As I drove home that evening, stinking of cadaver, the professor's words were still echoing in my mind. _You have embarked on a journey that, if you can make it, will be the most rewarding path you could have walked: you'll be saving lives._ A lofty goal, to be sure. Would I be able to reach it? Would I be able, after my two years, to begin caring for real patients? Would I be ever be able to work as a real physician, with my youthful appearance? Would my control prove to be enough, when the time came to risk my patient's lives with my presence?

I had worked so hard to get to this point that I actually hadn't given much thought to the final goal the professor had mentioned. Saving human lives, indeed. I had certainly _taken_ enough human lives. I winced as the familiar faces flashed before my eyes, their transparent looks of accusation dotting the windshield. But for once, instead of drowning myself in guilt and memory, I mentally waved my tormentors away and smiled in defiance. If I really could make it to the "saving lives" part, as the professor had said, my journey would hold a lot more meaning than he suspected: I could finally begin to atone for my sins, one life at a time. Debt repaid.

I caught Carlisle wondering sometimes if I had forgiven myself yet. He was afraid to ask, and to be honest, I would have been afraid to answer; most likely, my answer would be no. But as I pulled up to the house and saw Esme running out to greet her med student proudly, my defiant smile turned into one of hope.

No one could know the future. But if the future I had begun today was achieved, it was possible that atonement could become more than a topic for debate; it could become a reality.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed the prologue! The next chapter will bring us to the early spring of 1950, in which much of the story will take place. Please take a moment to review and let me know what you think. Your reviews, ideas, conversations, and encouragement make this project so fun!**


	2. Clinicals

**Thank you all so much for the great reviews on Chapter 1! I'm glad everyone enjoyed the cover story. It turns out that getting a vampire through medical school is quite difficult! And speaking of, I want to offer a belated thank-you to catharticone. She is one of my favorite FF authors, and it was actually her writing style which inspired me to start my own account and try my first story. Some of my recent ideas were probably subconsciously inspired by her stories- like the hemophilia getting Edward through medical school, and a vampire biting himself to help Edward understand his gift (from her stories** **_Healing Arts_ ** **and** **_Touching Solitude_ ** **, respectively). So thank you!**

* * *

**March 1950**

"Good morning, Mr. Potter. My name is Edward Cullen, and I'm a medical student at Dartmouth. I'll be observing Dr. Warren today, if that's all right with you."

Our patient scowled up at me, but nodded. "Fine by me, kid. What're you, fifteen?"

I smiled pleasantly, hiding my annoyance. I had already had this conversation three times today. But _fifteen_? Come on.

"Twenty, actually. How are you feeling today, sir?"

"Well, now that you mention it, I—"

Dr. Warren blew into the room, his cigarette smoke flying behind him like the tail of a kite as he tossed the chart onto the desk. "Morning, Mr. Potter. Let's take a look at that cough, shall we?" _Haven't got all day. Mrs. Scott's foot is going to take half the morning as it is._

Mr. Potter dutifully sat up straight, breathing deeply and coughing on cue as Dr. Warren's stethoscope danced across his back. _Clear as a bell._ He pulled back and nodded for me to take my turn, and I slid my own stethoscope off of my neck and listened.

Stethoscopes were one of those things that had been a challenge in med school. My hemophilia had helped me avoid a lot of things, but not that one. Fortunately, the palpation labs had come first, during Gross Anatomy. We were supposed to get used to feeling the outline and tone of the various muscles in the upper back, and I had panicked when William went to touch me.

"Lab group of three, remember?" I reminded him, dodging his hands.

"What? It's not like I'm going to cut you," he complained. _Wimp._

I hadn't been able to come up with a good excuse, and it was too late to skip the lab without causing a scene. So I had reluctantly allowed William to poke around my shoulder and spine, hoping that he would be too gentle to notice my granite-like skin tone. But he had been rather rough, determined to help me get over my skittishness.

"Good grief, Edward!" he exclaimed, trying to knead my upper trapezius into submission. "Could you be any _more_ tense? Relax!" _It's like trying to palpate a brick wall!_

"Sorry," I said, not having to fake my anxiety. "I'm just afraid that it's going to bruise. You know, with the blood thing."

"You're not going to bruise," he promised, rolling his eyes. "I'm barely touching you. Now relax!"

I _couldn't_ relax- this was how my skin always felt. I had watched his mind carefully the rest of the day, making sure that no suspicions were forming. That night, Esme had her best idea ever.

"I think he _did_ bruise you," she said thoughtfully, picturing my back covered with ugly purple-and-yellow smudges.

"Be serious," I scoffed. "He couldn't bruise me with a sledgehammer."

"No," she laughed. "I mean, if you let him _think_ he bruised you, they'll be less likely to touch you again. I could do it with makeup."

And so I had gone to school the next day, my upper back covered in convincing bruises, made entirely of Esme's eye shadow. William had been horrified.

"I had no idea, Edward! I'm so sorry!"

"Told you," I said sulkily, setting off another round of profuse apologies from William and snorted laughter from Nick.

I had graciously forgiven him, and they had never touched me again after that. So by the time the stethoscope lab came around, I was left to listen to my own heart. Which was a very good thing, because there was nothing to hear.

Auscultation was actually quite difficult for me, even now; my vampire hearing picked up all kind of crackles and impurities in any human's breathing, especially through a stethoscope. I was still learning to account for the limited auditory range that I was pretending to have. For example, Mr. Potter's lungs weren't "clear as a bell" today. Even when I had been standing across the room, I could hear the air whistling through his asthmatic bronchioles, and the wheezing had now been worsened by his physician's cloud of cigarette smoke. But I couldn't very well tell Dr. Warren that, since _he_ hadn't heard anything. I eased my conscience with the knowledge that Mr. Potter's asthma was indeed much better this week, even with this sub-threshold wheezing.

"Everything sounds good," I lied, flinging my stethoscope back into place.

"Clean bill of health, Mr. Potter," Dr. Warren pronounced as he headed for the door. "Good day now."

"Thanks, Doc." _Guess I'll bring up the gout next time. Why are doctors always so busy?_

We were out the door and flipping through the next chart by the time Mr. Potter got his shirt back on. I wished, not for the first time, that Dr. Warren had a bit more of Carlisle's compassion. But he was as good a physician as any, and I was grateful for the chance to shadow him.

Dartmouth hadn't lived up to its promise of not exposing us enough to patients. The program had improved in the last two years, and my classmates and I were already doing our part-time clinicals here at Mary Hitchcock Memorial, the little hospital that was attached to Dartmouth. I couldn't complain- the more clinical experiences, the better- but I hadn't expected to be exposed to real, bleeding patients this early on. At least here in the last semester of our two-year career at Dartmouth, we were still only shadowing our assigned physicians, and only on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. No lab coats yet, and no touching the patients except for observational purposes: using a stethoscope, poking around a sore abdomen, and so on. I just hoped that once I got my lab coat next week, people would stop asking me if I was fifteen. Fifteen!

Fortunately for me, Dr. Warren was on the outpatient rotation this semester. That meant less blood for me to deal with. But this next patient would be a bit of a challenge: diabetic foot wound. Dr. Warren would be debriding the wound with his scalpel, and there was going to be blood.

This would be my twenty-third exposure to blood in my clinicals, and I knew I would be all right. For one thing, there wouldn't be much of it. The whole reason that diabetics got their nasty wounds in the first place was the tissue death that had already led to poor circulation and sensation in their extremities. Most of the wound would be dead and numb, bleeding only by the end of the treatment. And Carlisle had prepared me well.

We had spent the past two years working on it. Having "graduated" from the blood challenges two years ago, I had been visiting Cottage Hospital with Carlisle, shadowing him on his night shift. His coworkers admired my initiative, though their presence meant that we couldn't do it too often. They all knew that I was a med student at Dartmouth, and we couldn't have them wondering how I wasn't exhausting myself, staying up too many nights. But as frequently as possible, Carlisle had gotten me in so that I could practice being around fresh blood.

The first few nights, we had just stood in the hallway, so that I could adjust to the smell of the occasional bleeding going on in the Emergency Room down the hall. We had progressed, over time, to where I was able to stand right beside him. I was still obliged not to breathe at times, but for the most part, I was doing quite well. I had even stood and watched as a car accident victim had been brought in once, covered in blood. I hadn't breathed _that_ time. Of course, having Carlisle around made the blood more difficult, so my control was actually stronger here in my clinicals, where there were no other vampires around to double my thirst.

As Dr. Warren continued to peruse the chart, I saw William coming down the hall, following Dr. Patterson. His face looked green, and I saw in his memory that he had just watched Dr. Patterson set a fractured tibia over in Emergency.

We gave each other an encouraging nod as he passed. Our little group of three had managed, so far, to defy the odds: none of us had flunked out. William and I had worried about Nick, though, back in Gross Anatomy. Our classmates were dropping like flies by the second exam, and we had both worked hard to help Nick stay afloat. By the second semester, our class of 107 had already dwindled down to eight-three. And we had lost others, along the way. But Nick was holding his own these days, and now it was William I worried about: William, the Navy veteran who had thought me a sissy on the first day of med school, was squeamish.

He had been fine through anatomy- cadavers didn't seem to be a problem. But now that we had begun our clinicals, his weak stomach was making an appearance. He was quickly reconsidering his goal of going into orthopedics, hoping to trade his dream for one that _didn't_ involve lots of cutting and bodily fluids. His new favorite was anesthesiology, which was a relatively clean profession, and a lucrative one. It was a newer specialty, and so it would probably only require a couple of extra years. But first, he had to make it through his general residencies- which would involve rotations through all sorts of "gross" situations. I empathized more than he could possibly understand.

I hoped we all made it- although I still wasn't sure what "it" would mean for me, personally. All three of us had already applied for the next step- transferring to other medical schools to complete our classroom instruction, getting our M.D.'s, and beginning our residencies. We were almost done with our classes and clinicals here at Dartmouth, ending with our White Coat Ceremony next week, a few more classes and exams, and our certificate of completion in June. Every one was buzzing with excitement, and my lab group was no exception.

Even though I had tried to keep my distance, Nick and William were the two closest things I had ever had to human friends. Besides our labs, we had "eaten" lunch together often, and even studied in the evenings and on weekends together, breaking up the tedium with a little basketball- though I mostly just shot hoops, being "afraid" to injure myself in a real game. We used each others' first names, and we had even taken to calling ourselves the Three Musketeers. Esme thought it was adorable. But unfortunately, being this close to two humans wasn't something I was going to be able to keep up. And so when I learned that they were both applying to Harvard Medical School, I had set my sights elsewhere. I wanted to stay closer to home, anyway.

After Dr. Warren handed me the chart, I flipped through it as well, dragging my eyes back and forth for the appropriate amount of time before closing it again.

"History," Dr. Warren prompted.

I took a deep breath. "Sixty-year-old female with a history of diabetes, morbid obesity and osteoarthritis. She has a non-healing wound on the plantar surface of her left MTP joint, times six months. Comes in for weekly debridement and wound inspection."

 _Good._ "Prognosis?"

"The wound is worsening, with tunneling and necrosis extending to the sub-dermal structures. Bone involvement is suspected, and amputation is likely to be required, barring one last trial of penicillin."

"Be more specific."

"Tarsometatarsal amputation, and topical penicillin."

"Good, good." He shoved the door open, revealing a huge, graying woman reclining on the treatment bed, her left foot sticking off the end and a cane leaning against the wall. He entered and I followed, taking an experimental breath and relaxing my shoulders in relief. I could detect bacteria coming from the wound, as well as the sickly-sweet scent of her diabetic blood, but only the circulating kind. The wound wasn't bleeding. Yet.

"How're we doing, Mrs. Scott?" Dr. Warren asked, grabbing the stool and parking himself at the foot of the bed.

"Right as rain, Doc," our patient answered, waving her bandaged foot in salute. "I think it's coming along nicely this week."

"I'll be the judge of that," Dr. Warren said as he removed the last layer of dressing. The smell of bacteria flooded the small room, and my mentor sighed in disappointment as he poked at the wound with the blunt end of the scalpel. _This is worse than last week. Hope the kid's not a fainter, because I'm going in for the kill this time. Not that it'll help- this foot's coming off, and she'll be lucky with a tarsometatarsal._

My throat twinged as he made up his mind to use the scalpel more aggressively than usual, in his final attempt to save the foot. But I kept my expression serene, and recited my usual line.

"Good morning, Mrs. Scott. My name is Edward Cullen, and I'm a medical student at Dartmouth. I'll be observing Dr. Warren today, if that's all right with you."

"Fine, fine!" Mrs. Scott said cheerfully. _These kids get younger every year._ "Good choice, Dartmouth. My father taught Economics there back in the twenties. Ouch!"

She jerked her leg back as Dr. Warren began to dig with the scalpel. It was a good sign that she had felt pain so early on- perhaps this amputation didn't need to happen after all. I forced the muscle of my gift to relax, and fully inhabited our patient's mind, feeling a flicker of pain on the bottom of my left foot.

Eleazar's breakthrough ten years ago had helped with more than my self-control. I now understood more about the nature of my gift, including the fact that it was ruled by my instincts, just like the rest of me. I had never felt the pain of Esme's or my siblings' transformations, or the pain of the humans I had killed; so I had naturally assumed that my gift didn't extend to things like that, thinking of myself as just a mind-reader. Of course, that theory had always been full of holes- I experienced my family's thirst, for example, when they went too long with hunting- and that was a painful stimulus. And of course, if I had thought about it, my theory wouldn't have explained how I was able to "see" and "hear" through the senses of others. But Eleazar, using his own gift-analyzing gift, had helped me understand that I really was a true telepath, with the ability to process any and every brain signal being experienced by those around me.

The reason I hadn't felt anyone's pain before, other than thirst, was because my gift had instinctually tensed itself against the painful stimuli that I was receiving from their brains, while still allowing the thoughts to filter through. He had also explained that thirst-while uncomfortable to experience- was instinctual itself, being a vampire, and so my gift had never _wanted_ to filter it out before. I had to actively block that particular input, and I had been doing so for years, without even realizing it. But all other painful sensations, like Mrs. Scott's discomfort right now, had to be actively sought out. I had learned, and practiced, how to relax that instinctual part of my gift that guarded me from feeling the physical pain of those around me. It was a talent that many physicians would have given their right arm for: the ultimate diagnostic tool.

It was difficult with humans, though. Just like all of their neural processes, the pain response was muted in their species. I had to play close attention to get an accurate read. I closed my eyes, rooting around in Mrs. Scott's brain until I could feel, in detail, which parts of her foot were dead and which were alive. Exactly which places hurt during the debridement, and which places were numb. It turned out that she actually had, in my opinion, a better chance of avoiding the amputation than Dr. Warren seemed to think.

"Have we tried silver?" I asked him hopefully.

"Hmm?" he grunted as he continued his attack.

"Silver nitrate, on the wound. Maybe it would-"

"Won't work."

"Why not?"

He turned to me with a disapproving we'll-talk-about-this-later look, and I shut up.

"What's that, Doc? Silver?" Mrs. Scott asked, wincing in pain again. The wound still wasn't bleeding yet, but it was going to happen soon. The foot certainly wasn't _healthy_ \- a normal person would have been screaming by now.

"Silver nitrate was used in wounds, a while back, before penicillin was invented," Dr. Warren muttered around his cigarette. "Penicillin's better, though."

"So it's working?" she asked brightly. _Please, please say it's working!_

Dr. Warren gave a non-committal shrug. "We'll see." _It's not working._ He made up his mind to dig a bit deeper into the wound, and get the blood flowing before applying the penicillin cream. I took a deep breath of bacteria-flavored air, and held it just as he made the cut. It wasn't exactly professional to hold my nose, and so I could still smell the blood, but I was fine. A little burn in the throat, and no venom. Of course, the bacteria made it easier. One bad scent didn't cancel a good one, but it helped.

I made it through the rest of the treatment without having to breathe again, and we wished Mrs. Scott good luck. As soon as we got into the hallway and closed the door behind us, Dr. Warren turned to me.

"First of all," he began, "Silver nitrate is expensive. Secondly, penicillin is fast replacing all those stone-age methods. Thirdly, I'll thank you to keep your second-year-student brainwaves to yourself in front of my patients. If you want to challenge my treatment plan, you do it in the hallway. You got that?"

"Yes, sir," I answered meekly.

"Good," he muttered as we continued down the hall to grab the next chart. _I don't know what old-fashioned fossil taught him that one, and I don't want to know. Still, the kid's doing well. Even if he is a know-it-all._

I hid my grin as I followed him. The "fossil" was, of course, Carlisle, who had been using silver nitrate on wounds since the 18th century. This would make for an interesting discussion when I got home this afternoon.

The rest of my morning went smoothly. No more blood, but I listened to two more coughs, watched Dr. Warren remove a cast from a six-year-old girl's arm, and took the history of a new patient all on my own. And our last patient was an fascinating case: a local young man, one twenty-year-old John Lewis, who had been born with a malformed pulmonary valve. His heart condition was worsening, even at his young age, and he had been fainting quite often as things grew worse. I could hear the valve struggling before I even walked in the door. The prognosis wasn't looking good.

But World Wars had a way of jumpstarting medical research, and times were changing; a failing valve wasn't necessarily a death sentence anymore. Mr. Lewis was seeing Dr. Warren today, but only for testing in preparation for surgery. He would soon be travelling down to Yale-New Haven Hospital in Connecticut to be operated on by the famous William Glenn. And in an effort to make an impression on our patient and his famous surgeon, Dr. Warren was on his best behavior during the appointment. He actually _talked_ to this patient.

When all the chatting, testing, listening, and prodding was done, Dr. Warren declared our patient fit for surgery. "You'll be making history," he said encouragingly. Mr. Lewis wasn't encouraged.

"You mean he's never done this before?" he asked with a nervous swallow.

"Of course he has," Dr. Warrren assured him. _I think._ "What I meant was that Dr. Glenn is always making history, and you're one lucky fellow to have him."

"Yeah," Mr. Lewis echoed feebly, "Lucky." _I hope this is the right thing to do. The priest says heart surgery is a sin. Mother says it's too risky- that I should enjoy the time I have left. But on the other hand, I'll get fired soon if I keep fainting on the job- and it won't matter, if I'm dead in five years. And Janey…_

He broke into a sweat thinking of Janey, who had just accepted his proposal of marriage. _Janey thinks it's the right thing to do. To try. If there's any chance that I can have a normal life after this, maybe have kids…_

"Nervous?" asked Dr. Warren.

Mr. Lewis licked his lips. "A little."

Dr. Warren gave him his best "wise, benevolent physician" look- though it made him look like he was a schoolboy trying to impersonate Carlisle. "It'll be fine," he soothed, patting our patient on the knee firmly. "You're in good hands."

Mr. Lewis nodded, but his pulse and respiratory rate increased, and his thoughts continued to race with doubts and second-guesses. As Dr. Warren got up to ask a nurse for a paper bag, I leaned forward, catching my patient's eyes with my own. He sucked in his breath as he stared into my eyes like a deer in the headlights, and his thoughts evaporated.

The effect of a vampire's full stare was quite effective when luring one's human prey. It disables the human to the point of open awe and attraction, and even trust if desired. He or she is struck silent by the vampire's unnatural beauty, and drowned in the poisonous depths in his eyes- not that a vampire needs any help with killing, but it was useful. I had used it a few times, back in the day, when I was having trouble getting a particular criminal alone. But it didn't always have to be a prelude to murder; Carlisle used it all the time on his own patients, and even on his coworkers, when the need arose. I thought I would try it- now was as good a time as any. I held his gaze for a full ten seconds before speaking, keeping my eyes as gentle as possible.

"It's the right thing to do," I said, my voice smooth as silk.

Mr. Lewis nodded, and his heart rate began to slow. "Yes," he sighed. "It's the right thing to do." He snapped out of it as soon as I looked away, and he turned to Dr. Warren, whose eyebrows were practically up in his hair. Apparently, he had gotten a glimpse of the stare as well. "Next time you see me, Doc, I'll be training for a marathon," he said in a clear, confident voice.

Not bad for a first try.

"How'd you do that?" Dr Warren asked me, once we were in the hallway. "He was about to have a panic attack."

I shrugged. "I guess I just figured out what he needed to hear. We're the same age, after all. I guess if it was me, I'd be worried about it being the right thing, too."

Dr. Warren's eyebrows narrowed in confusion. "My mother always said I was insightful," I added hastily.

He relaxed. "Guess she was right. And that'll help you, kid, in the real world. Always good to be able to read a patient's mind."

.

.

.

As I walked in the front door of our home that afternoon, I had an extra bounce in my step.

During my two years here at Dartmouth, a change had been coming over me. I had had my reasons for coming to medical school, and they had been good ones. I had wanted to emulate my father, and help him keep up with medical advances through me. I had enjoyed the subject matter. I had relished the challenge of entering a field that was notoriously difficult, especially for a vampire. I had been bored out of my mind, and wanted to avoid high school. I had wanted to improve my self-control. And, most importantly, I had wanted to try to atone for my murderous past by saving human lives. I still considered _redemption_ a murky subject, but atonement, for myself, was reachable. Possibly.

And those things were all still true. But a new goal had slowly been overshadowing the others. A goal which had surprised me.

I wanted to make a difference.

I wasn't Carlisle, and I never would be. I wasn't dripping with compassion, and I didn't love humans the way he did. And my personality was far less gentle, and generous, than his own. But whether this feeling had been hidden in me all along, or whether he had finally managed to pass it down to me, I had it now. I was here, in my second year of medical school, for a purpose. I didn't just feel the sin-driven need to save lives, anymore. I _wanted_ to save lives. I _wanted_ to help people, as unbelievable as it sounded.

Even though I was still an observer, doing just part-time clinicals, I felt that I could make a difference, like I had today with Mr. Lewis. And even if I never made it all the way through my residencies, with my youthful face, I could still make a difference while I was there. And, of course, I could do it all over again the next time we moved.

Carlisle and Esme were snuggling on the couch, listening to music together on the radio as they shared a book. "When are we going to get a television?" I teased, reclining on the floor beside them.

Esme made a face. "Don't be funny," she growled. "You know I don't want one of those things in my house."

Carlisle leaned down and kissed her forehead, suddenly switching his thinking over to Russian.

"What?"

"Nothing," he answered slyly, leaning back his head and closing his eyes. "So how were clinicals this morning?"

"Great," I answered. "Diabetic foot wound, arm cast coming off, pulmonary valve en route to surgical repair, a bunch of coughs… " I smirked, ready to get him back for blocking me out. "Oh, and Dr. Warren called you a fossil."

He opened his eyes. "That's a new one." _I've been called a lot of strange things, but that is definitely a new one._

"Okay, not you personally, but when I suggested using silver nitrate on the foot wound, his modern sensibilities got very offended and he was wondering what old-fashioned fossil had taught me about it."

Carlisle laughed. "Hopefully he assumed it was one of your professors, and not your three-hundred-and-ten-year-old father."

"Naturally."

"I'm lucky you didn't suggest putting honey on the wound. I hate to think what he would have called me _then_."

I wrinkled my nose. "Honey?"

"There have been all sorts of things used throughout the centuries, to fight infection in chronic wounds. And like all human institutions, the medical field has trends that ebb and flow. Right now, antibiotics are the rising star, but that'll change in a couple of centuries. And besides, son, you need to give Dr. Warren some credit. He's probably treated hundreds of chronic wounds, and you've seen what, three? To be honest, he was probably more annoyed by your presumption than your actual idea."

"But wouldn't the silver help? All he's tried is penicillin, and he's about to set up the surgery next week."

He shook his head sadly. "If she's that close to amputation, probably not."

"But she might not be as close as he thinks," I protested. "I could feel-"

"Stop right there," he said, holding up a hand. "Could Dr. Warren feel what you felt, using his telepathic senses?"

Esme laid a hand on his shoulder. "But if he can use his gift to help save that woman's foot..."

"No," he said firmly. "Edward, listen to me. Our enhanced senses make us excellent diagnosticians, and your gift gives you even more insight. But we can't risk exposure by basing our treatment plans off data that can't be obtained through human means." _Well, not while anyone's looking, that is._

"I know," I sighed. "It's just hard not to say something."

Carlisle stared down for a moment, seemingly studying Esme's hair. But he was thinking about various cases throughout the years- patients who had died under his care, often in the Emergency Room. Patients he could have saved, if no one had been looking.

"It gets harder," he said quietly. Esme sat up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"You saved me," she reminded him. "And our children."

The cloud in his mind disappeared as he broke into a huge grin. "Yes," he agreed, looking at each of us in turn. "I can think of a few happy endings. Four, in particular."

I looked up at my parents, who were losing themselves in each other's eyes. I couldn't disagree that they had found their happy ending. As for the rest of us- well, I was doing my best. And right now, it was just the three of us. Rosalie and Emmett were off on their own, though we hoped it wouldn't be forever. I did miss them. For now, though, I was enjoying these quieter moments in the late afternoons, just my parents and I. And Esme, especially, loved watching "her two doctors discuss their patients", now that I had a few, sort of.

Carlisle and I enjoyed it, too. My father was a fountain of medical wisdom, and I loved being able to process everything I had learned with him at the end of each day. And he, in turn, ate up everything I could tell him; he was as thirsty for new knowledge as any vampire. The War had brought about new advances in almost every area of medicine, and I was the best source of information for him. He read voraciously and attended what conferences he could, but having a son in medical school was the best way to keep up. Doing this for him was the goal I that had had back in the very beginning, when I had first aimed for med school in 1931.

He finally pulled himself away from Esme's eyes. "Now," he said as he leaned forward and rubbed his hands together eagerly, "tell me all about this pulmonary valve."


	3. Chapter 3

**After all that heavy medical and telepathic detail in that last chapter, this one will be light and fun :)**

* * *

I snapped the chart shut, feeling accomplished. I had just written my first doctor's note, which Dr. Warren had read and signed with only two corrections.

"Next one's yours, kid," he said loftily, handing me the new chart.

"What do you mean?"

"Another cast coming off. You watched me do that one last week, so you're going to do this one. You're getting your lab coat tonight, after all." In addition to the chart, he laid the cast-cutting saw onto the high counter of the nurse's station, its sharp teeth gleaming in the artificial light.

"But we're not supposed to-"

He scowled. "Look, do you want to get some experience or not?"

"Of course."

"Well, hop to it then. And besides, you're really not treating the patient. Technically speaking, you're _untreating_ her." _I don't understand this kid sometimes._

I took the chart, frowning when I saw that our patient was another young girl- only five years old. She had broken her arm while trying to "fly" off of the dresser in her bedroom. Her time in the cast was up, and it was supposed to come off today.

Dr. Warren had just handed an oscillating saw to a vampire and told him to apply it to the squirming arm of a five-year-old human girl. Was this a bad idea?

He took a long drag on his cigarette, frowning at me behind his ever-present cloud of smoke. "What're you waiting for?"

I stared at the saw again, trying not to imagine what could go wrong here. After all, if I was ever going to treat real patients, I had to start somewhere. I scooped up the saw and the chart, heading into the exam room and making my announcement before I could change my mind.

"Good morning, ma'am. My name is Edward Cullen, and I'm a medical student at Dartmouth. I'll be assisting Dr. Warren today, if that's all right." _Assisting._ I liked the way that word sounded.

The girl- her name was Mary- looked exactly like the kind of girl who would jump off a dresser and break her arm. Her pretty blue party dress was enhanced with a pair of cardboard wings, which had been cut from a box of Corn Flakes. Her barrettes were askew in her hair. She was already perched up on the exam table, lying on her back with her feet tapping on the wall, and animal noises coming out of her mouth while she flew a doll around in the air with her casted left arm.

Her childish mind was a wonder. I smiled as I observed the fantasy world in which the doll (who was secretly a fairy herself) was flying through the night to save the fairy princess from the evil alligator king. While she played, Mary was wishing that her mother had let her bring _both_ her dolls, so that she could have a battle. The mother was sitting down, holding Mary's crying baby brother and looking frazzled.

She raised her voice to be heard over the baby's cries. "Mary dear, sit up like a lady! I'm sorry, young man, what did you say?"

Dr. Warren came into the room, and to my rescue. "Morning, Mrs. Wilson. Edward here is one of our medical students, and he'll be taking care of the cast."

She looked at me worriedly. "Are you sure? He looks awfully young…"

Dr. Warren waved his hand dismissively. "He's one of our finest. Go on, Edward."

I approached little Mary with the saw, unsure how to begin. I couldn't remember having _ever_ spoken to anyone this young before. Ever. Why would I?

How did one address children? "Hello there, Mary. I see your arm is feeling better…"

Her animal noises increased in volume, and the doll flew across the room, to be caught in mid-air by the mother. Not bad, for a human catch.

I cleared my throat. "So, it's time to take the cast off today. May I see your arm, please?" I inched closer, reaching for the cast with my empty hand.

Mary finally noticed my presence, and her eyes caught immediately on the sinister-looking object in my other hand. Her animal noises ceased, to be replaced by screaming. The baby brother took a deep breath and added his own dissonant squall to the mix, hurting my ears. I retreated, looking anxiously to Dr. Warren for guidance.

"Now, Mary," the mother called over the racket, "Listen to the Doctor. We'll have a cookie at home afterwards, if you're a good girl."

Mary screamed louder, and Dr. Warren sighed in resignation. _It's no good._ _I'll have to hold her down._ "Edward…"

 _That_ wasn't going to work. Children were squirmy enough, and throwing Dr. Warren's restraining arms into the mix wasn't going to help me. I needed her to be perfectly still if I was going to be wielding a rotating blade half an inch from her skin.

"Wait," I interrupted- I had an idea. I set the saw down behind me on the desk, and approached Mary again, who was clambering against the wall to get away from me as I sat on the exam table beside her. She didn't seem to be instinctually afraid of me; she was only picturing me cutting off her arm with a much larger version of my "scary saw". Of course, I was laughing maniacally as I wielded it.

"Mary," I said quietly, throwing every ounce of sweetness I could into the word. She stopped crying instantly, and turned to face me. I swung my legs up to sit fully beside her, and leaned casually against the wall. Her eyes finally met mine, and a tearful smile tugged at her lips as I favored her with the best Prince-Charming smile I could muster. She sighed, and her mind instantly replaced my evil persona with a fairy prince, complete with wings.

Without looking away, I held out my hand toward the mother. "May I have the doll, please? She's very important to this… ah, mission."

The mother stood and handed me the doll. I finally released Mary from my gaze, and studied the doll intently. "This is no ordinary doll," I began, and Mary's eyes grew wide. "I think that she may secretly be a fairy. If only she had wings…"

I took my notepad out of my pocket, ripping out a page. While Mary watched in awe, I quickly fashioned a set of tiny wings and affixed them to the doll's back.

"Much better," I pronounced. "Now, the mission is going to be to rescue the fairy princess from the evil alligator king. The trouble is, that if she's going to be, um, rescuing in the water, she'll need a boat, and fairy boats are _always_ made of plaster. Don't you agree?"

She nodded dumbly.

I looked around the room dramatically. "If only we had some plaster… oh! There's some!" I pointed to her arm, and moved my face downwards to catch her eyes again before she could get suspicious. "If we could get that off your arm, it would turn into _two fairy boats._ One for this fairy, and another for a friend."

Mary stuck out her arm. "I have another secret fairy at home," she announced.

"Well, that's perfect," I replied, sliding off the exam table. "I'm going to separate the boats now, using my… boat-maker. But you must be very still, or the boats will be mussed."

She nodded solemnly, and I explained that the boat-maker made a buzzing sound, just like huge fairy wings. I turned on the saw and took a deep breath, just in case the worst should happen. But Mary was a trooper, and she and the doll watched carefully as I turned her cast into two perfect doll-sized canoes.

I flicked the saw off, letting my breath back out. "Well done, Mary," I said in relief.

 _Well done, Cullen_ , Dr. Warren thought in awe. _I hope he's planning on pediatrics._

I shuddered inwardly at the thought. It was one thing to risk the lives of human adults with my ministrations. But despite my success just now with Mary, I didn't think I would ever care to endanger human _children_ on a regular basis. And besides, their screaming and crying was offensive to vampire hearing, to put it mildly.

But Mary wasn't finished with me yet. Before I could react, she jumped into my arms and planted a kiss right on my cold cheek. She giggled at the temperature, thinking that I felt like a Popsicle. Her acceptance did something strange inside my chest; I felt the most curious feeling of _warmth_.

"Well, everything looks good," Dr. Warren told the mother, after poking quickly around Mary's arm, which was still wrapped around my neck.

"And I think this little fairy has definitely earned her cookie," I added, gingerly removing Mary from my torso. She gathered up the halves of her cast and the doll, hopping down from the exam table with her treasures. She was already imagining the rescue mission, now enhanced with her new boats.

I headed out behind Dr. Warren, and was just closing the door when Mary blurted out, "goodbye Doctor Popsicle!"

My mentor sputtered out a cloud of smoke. "Doctor what?"

I closed the door behind me, grinning and shrugging in confusion. "That was interesting," I said.

"I'll say," he replied. "You never told me you were so good with kids. You should go into Peds."

"I might," I surprised myself by saying. "I just might."

.

.

.

 _"_ _You're_ in a good mood," William scowled as we headed for the front entrance of the hospital, two hours later.

"Great clinicals this morning. What's the matter with _you_?"

"Nothing," he said stiffly. But by the greenish tint to his face, he must have seen something disgusting this morning in Emergency. He shoved the main door open, and I sighed as I rocked back a step: full sunlight. Before he could turn around, I swiped my stethoscope off of my neck and hid it behind my back.

He finally finished turning around. "Come on, we'll be late for class."

"You go ahead," I said lightly. "I think I left my stethoscope in one of the exam rooms."

He just shrugged and headed onwards. I peeked up at the treacherous blue sky, dismayed to see that the next bunch of clouds were a good fifteen minutes off.

This was ridiculous. I was one of the most powerful creatures on earth. I was a successful med student. I had just charmed a child into trusting me, and been given my first human hug ever. But I couldn't walk the three hundred feet to my lecture hall, because the sun was shining. This had happened far too often since starting my clinicals, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I stood by the entrance as I waited, tapping my fingers against my pockets impatiently and nodding to people as their went in and out. The sun finally winked out, and I dashed to the lecture hall, hoping to slip in the back door without being noticed.

No such luck. Dr. Patterson interrupted his pharmacology lecture as soon as I appeared in the last row of seats, directly behind Nick and William.

"Nice of you to join us, Mr. Cullen!" he called loudly, making everyone shift in their seat to look back at me. "Since you don't seem to feel the need to attend my lectures with _any_ amount of consistency, perhaps you'd like to enlighten us all as to the use of lithium salts in recent pharmaceutical history." _Take that!_

"Lithium salts were historically used to treat gout," I replied, meeting his gaze defiantly. "They were later prescribed as a table salt in hopes of reducing hypertension. Both uses have been banned, due to an unacceptable rate of mortality. But last year, it was discovered that lithium may have some role in subduing mania in the insane."

Dr. Patterson harrumphed his displeasure at my ready answer, and continued his lecture. When he was finished and everyone rose to leave, he held up his hand, waving a sheet of paper triumphantly. "Not so fast. I have an announcement which you will all be pleased to hear."

William sighed in front of me. _Not all of us_ , he muttered mentally. Dr. Patterson was his mentor at clinicals, and so William must already know what the announcement was. But I couldn't pick it out of his mind- he was too focused on keeping his lunch down.

Dr. Patterson waited until the room grew quiet. "You all know that Dartmouth is committed to increasing your clinical experiences. So I am pleased to announce that we have contracted an agreement with Yale University, which will allow each of you one slot to observe in the OR down at Yale-New Haven Hospital. You'll be going in pairs, since we have limited time to squeeze this in before your time here at Dartmouth is completed. Though I understand that some of you are headed to Yale anyway, so this will be an special opportunity for you. They're doing some interesting research with new procedures down there.

"You will all please sign up for your slots before leaving today. I have been given a list of procedures which are scheduled throughout the next three weeks, and you can try to find one that follows your area of interest."

He laid the paper down on the podium with a flourish, and we all hopped out of our seats to sign up. William was shaking his head mournfully, but Nick was buzzing with excitement as he read down the list.

"Observing surgery, this early on! Look, there's a shoulder next Wednesday! It's too bad we can't all three go together."

"That's okay," William said, having spotted an empty space next to "Outpatient: removal of cancerous lesion, R. hand".

Perfect! Nice and quick, and a tiny incision. And probably in a different wing from the regular OR, and the blood being spilled there. Just what the doctor ordered for a vampire and his squeamish lab partner.

"William," I said quickly. "Let's take the hand, shall we?" Before he could respond, I snatched the paper off the podium and filled in our names. He nodded in relief.

"I don't understand you two," Nick said as we all walked out to the parking lot together. The clouds were cooperating now, at least. "There were tons of procedures on that list. Why did you want the most boring one? It'll be over before you're done blinking!"

"I'm interested in hands," I lied.

"And I'm interested in skin cancer," William lied.

Nick just snorted his disapproval, and we all stepped off the curb, about to part ways to our cars. But we all froze as we heard the roar of an accelerating engine and the screech of brakes, and Nick and William gasped as the bumper of a brand-new Cadillac jerked to a stop three inches from my knees.

"Watch where you're going!" Nick shouted at the driver. "What a jerk! He could have killed you, Edward!" _He would have bled to death!_

Not really, but I appreciated the sentiment. I turned my head to scowl at the idiot who seemed to think hot-rodding was appropriate in a school parking lot. But I gasped in genuine surprise and ran over, flinging the driver's side door open.

"Rosalie! Emmett!" I cried, pulling my sister out and sweeping her up in my arms.

She buried her face in my shoulder. _I've missed you!_

I breathed in her scent and then let her go, turning to Emmett, who was jumping over the hood to greet me. Nick and William were frozen, each with one foot still back on the curb and their mouths hanging open as they stared at Rosalie.

"Hey little bro!" Emmett said loudly, and gave me a surprisingly gentle hug. _You're lucky you've got hemophilia._ _Just wait 'til the humans aren't looking!_

"I don't believe this!" I said with a huge grin as I pulled away. "I had no idea you two were coming for a visit!"

"Well, a little bird told us you were having your White Coat Ceremony tonight," Rosalie said.

Nick and William finally came back to life, then. "Edward! Aren't you going to introduce us?" Nick asked. _Please, PLEASE be single!_ I could practically hear them drooling behind my back.

"Put them out of their misery, will you?" I whispered to Rosalie. She smirked, reaching up to comb her fingers through her hair, flashing her wedding ring in plain sight.

I turned around to find my friends staring at Rosalie's hand in sorrow. Nick was especially disappointed. _Circled._ _What a cruel world._

"Sorry," I said aloud. "This is my sister, Rosalie McCarty, and her husband Emmett. They've been living down in New York City since they got married a couple of years ago. Rosalie and Emmett, meet Nick Lawrence and William Cummings. Fellow med students and the best lab partners in the world."

"How do you do," Rosalie said gracefully, letting go of me and linking her arm through Emmett's. Nick just sighed, but William had already transferred his longing to Rosalie's car.

"That's a real screamer," he said admiringly. "What is it, a Series 62?"

"That's right," Rosalie cooed, caressing the hood. Nick and William both gulped, for different reasons.

"I hope you two have been taking care of Edward," Emmett said with a mischievous wink in my direction. "He's always been a bit on the fragile side." _Ha ha!_

William blushed, remembering the day he had bruised me.

"I'm fine, Emmett," I growled, picking up his game. "They won't even let me play basketball properly."

"So, you're coming to the Ceremony tonight?" Nick asked Rosalie hopefully.

"Yes. Dad told me about it the last time we spoke on the phone, and so we thought we'd come surprise Edward." _And it worked!_ _You should have seen your face!_

"See you tonight, then. Have a good time with your family, Edward." William tugged on Nick's arm, and he finally allowed himself to be led away.

I turned back to my siblings. "Carlisle knows you're here?"

"We haven't gotten to the house yet," Rosalie said. "But he told us about the ceremony like I said, and he knows we were coming to surprise you."

"It worked! How did you two manage to sneak up on me like that?"

"We used one of Eleazar's tricks," Emmett said proudly. "We turned up the radio and only thought about the lyrics of the music we were listening to. So what language has Carlisle been thinking in to hide this from you?"

"Russian."

He put on a shocked look. "Carlisle, a commie? I don't believe it."

Rosalie slapped his arm. "That's not funny." Then she began looking around the parking lot. "Where's your car? I thought Carlisle said you still had the Lincoln."

"I do, but I don't drive it much. I got a new car two years ago, when we moved here."

She frowned. "Why didn't you just keep driving the Lincoln?" _This is what happens when I'm not around._ _You didn't take care of it, did you?_

"No, it's fine," I said defensively. "It's just that I didn't want to be driving around a nineteen-year-old car. It's a bit old-fashioned looking, don't you think?"

"Old fashioned?" Rosalie hissed. "It's a classic!"

"Maybe someday. Right now, it's just old-fashioned. Anyway, I couldn't bring myself to part with it. Want to see the new one?"

I led them over to my pride and joy: a 1948 Jaguar XK120. Emmett whistled and Rosalie's jaw simply dropped open.

"Carlisle let you buy _this_?" she asked in wonder. "I thought you were supposed to be an impoverished medical student!"

"Please," I scoffed. "I'm Ivy League, remember?"

"So, how fast?" Emmett asked eagerly.

I leaned my hands back on the hood and gave them a devilish grin. "Let's just say that they named it the 120 for a reason."

Rosalie let out a strangled cry and shoved me off the hood so that she could open it.

"You're joking, right?" Emmett asked.

"Nope. And if you take the windscreen off, it goes faster. So, how long are you two staying?"

Rosalie came back out from under the hood, glancing at Emmett before speaking. "We thought we'd stick around for a while," she said slowly.

I looked back and forth between the two of them, gathering bits of the truth from their thoughts. "You're broke, aren't you?"

"In the red, as of last month," Emmett admitted, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. "Rosalie's discovered charge cards."

"What can I say?" Rosalie sighed. "I like high living."

"And brand-new Cadillacs?" I teased.

"That too," she admitted. "Though to be fair, we bought that _before_ we were in debt."

"That's why we came here first," Emmett said. "We were hoping you could help us figure out how to tell Carlisle and Esme. You know, soften the blow." _Do you think they'll be mad?_

"I doubt it," I said honestly. "I think they'll just be glad to have you home. Although you should get rid of those charge cards, Rosalie."

"But-"

"If you're moving back home, that means you'll be using their money again, right?" She nodded. "Well, it's a bit unfair to keep racking up debt, don't you think?"

She frowned. "I suppose so. To be honest, I miss being at home. It was nice being on our own for a while, but it's just not the same." Emmett nodded his agreement. "Still, it's going to be odd being a 'kid' again."

" _I'm_ looking forward to it," Emmett announced. "It was fun having a job, but I think I like school better."

"You're kidding," I laughed.

"No, I'm serious! C'mon, let's get home."

"Wait," I said, holding up my hand. "Before Carlisle and Esme ask, how do you two plan on paying off the debt you already have?"

Emmett shrugged. "I guess I'll have to get a job up here for a while. We're about three thousand in the hole."

Now it was my turn to drop my jaw. "Three _thousand?_ Emmett!"

_I know, I know._

At least Rosalie had the good grace to look a _little_ guilty. It was clear from both their thoughts that Emmett had tried half-heartedly to rein in her spending, but that it hadn't worked.

"Well," I said, staring straight at her, "I suppose you could work it off. But it would be a lot easier if you would just sell the Cadillac."

"Sell the- Edward!" _It's my new baby!_ _I can't do that!_

"What? You didn't seem to have any trouble selling the Rolls-Royce back in '46. Which tore my heart out, by the way."

She rolled her eyes. "Says the man with two playboy cars."

"Rosalie, It's obvious that you're the one who spent herself into debt. Why should Emmett have to work it all off? Maybe you should be the one to get a job."

She just made a face.

I crossed my arms. "Sell it, then."

"Come on, Rose," Emmett begged. "Then we can go to college together right off the bat."

Rosalie let out a long-suffering sigh. "I suppose I could use the Lincoln for a while. It probably needs a little love, anyway."

Emmett kissed her on the cheek, relieved to be off the hook about working. "That's my girl. Come on, let's go see if we can sneak up on Esme, too."


	4. The Rod of Asclepius

**One more light and sweet chapter before things get down to business! Thank you to Helena Mira for the geographical help about the Dartmouth area.**

* * *

Rosalie and Emmett followed me to our home. Even from my own car, I could easily hear their thoughts behind me as we drove, and I savored the familiar feel of their minds. I hadn't seen my brother and sister for almost two years, and even that had been just a brief visit, when Emmett had taken four days off of work. After the War had ended, they had finally gotten up the courage to tell Carlisle and Esme that they wanted to live on their own for a while, though they didn't think it would be permanent.

Esme had been heartbroken, but she hadn't protested their decision, except with her silent, unshed tears. She had been afraid that history was repeating itself, and for the first two weeks that they were gone, I had been bombarded with her memories of my departure in 1927.

Carlisle hadn't been so worried. He recognized that Rosalie and Emmett were older than I was, and that it was only natural for them to live as "adults", if they wanted. And so he had given them his blessing, and a sizeable amount of cash with which to start off. He had made it clear, though, that living as adults meant supporting themselves. They were not to request any further funds, except in case of an emergency. And he had also made it clear that he would miss them dearly, and that he did hope for their return, when they were ready.

Our first phone call from them had lessened Esme's worry. They had found an apartment in New York City, a ground floor unit which had plenty of shade surrounding it. This way, Rosalie would be able to continue her work on the Rolls-Royce, day or night. Their unit was in the rear of the building, and the carport would shield Rosalie's unorthodox activities from the eyes of their fellow tenants.

However, it hadn't been long before they had been obliged to sell the Rolls-Royce. Emmett had found a job in construction, but with the few details we had been given, we inferred that Carlisle's starter money had already run out, and that Emmett's salary wasn't cutting it. At least Rosalie had restored the Rolls-Royce beyond perfection, and had no doubt gotten a hefty sum for it.

That was the last time that they had shared any financial details with us, though they had always kept in touch otherwise. Carlisle was sometimes concerned about their spending, but he had joked that he wasn't going to lose any sleep over it. They had always kept in touch over the phone, and had visited once, when we had first bought the house in the spring of 1948. As we drove home now, I imagined that he wasn't going to be too surprised with their bankruptcy.

We pulled into the driveway, to find Esme working in the front yard. As soon as she saw her children emerging from the Cadillac, she let out a shriek and flew over to them so fast that she knocked Rosalie flat onto her back. For once, my sister forgot about her hair and wept into her mother's shoulder as they hugged each other fiercely.

"You're here, you're here!" Esme sang as she jumped up to accept Emmett's hug. He laughed along with her and spun her around several times. Carlisle was outside by this time, as well, and grinning widely as he embraced each of his older children in turn.

"The house looks great!" Emmett said as he began to look around. "Esme, you really know how to spruce up a place."

But Esme hadn't heard his compliment. She was peering into the back seat of the Cadillac. "This is quite a lot of luggage for a weekend visit," she said hopefully. "Are you staying into next week?"

Emmett looked nervously to me, and I nodded my encouragement. "Actually," he said, clearing his throat loudly, "we'd like to move back in- if that's all right."

Esme let out another delighted shriek and tackled Emmett this time in her exuberance. And to everyone's surprise, Carlisle burst out _laughing_.

"I'm sorry," he coughed, containing himself quickly. "But would I be correct in assuming that part of your change of heart is due to financial difficulties?"

"Flat broke," Emmett sighed.

"But this is not a change of heart," Rosalie said quickly. "We've been missing home, more and more. And we were already talking about moving back before we got, um, evicted."

" _Evicted?"_ Carlisle asked, all trace of humor gone. "Do you mean you're actually in debt to the apartment complex?"

"And a few other places," Rosalie admitted. "But we're going to pay it off. We'll take care of it."

Esme was as skeptical. "How exactly are you going to take care of it?" she asked.

Emmett nodded towards their car. "We're going to sell the Cadillac," he announced. "That should cover it."

"And I'm going to cut up my charge cards," Rosalie sighed.

"Good," Carlisle said firmly. "Those things are nothing but trouble." _Especially for those with an insatiable appetite for expensive clothing and social outings._

I snorted out a laugh at his thought, and we all went to help unload the car. We had gotten most of the boxes out, when I heard the rare sound of Esme growling.

"What is _this?"_ she demanded, holding up a small television set.

Emmett shrugged, sending me a wink as he snatched it from her hands. Before she could stop him, he took it into the house.

"Times are changing, dear," Carlisle soothed, planting a kiss on her forehead. "The children will have their television set, just like their human peers. Rosalie, you and Emmett can take the bedroom at the end of the hallway upstairs- just move those other boxes up into the attic, please."

Rosalie nodded and went into the house to help Emmett.

I waited until the front door closed before turning back to my parents. "This is the best surprise ever," I said happily. "And it looks like you got more than you bargained for!"

"I couldn't be happier," Esme said truthfully. _Except for that awful television._ "What mother doesn't want all her children around her?"

"And I must admit, I thought this might happen eventually," Carlisle said. "I was just telling some of my coworkers at the hospital that my two older children would be coming for a visit this weekend, and that I wondered if they were staying afloat financially. You might be surprised at how common today's situation is- I had plenty of sympathy from the other doctors."

He stopped his story abruptly, but I grinned as I saw the rest in his thoughts. "Tell her, Carlisle," I teased.

Esme waited expectantly, and Carlisle hesitated briefly before confessing. "I may have… made a small wager on the likelihood of Rosalie and Emmett moving back in this weekend," he admitted.

Esme clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "Carlisle Cullen, shame on you! How much did you just lose in this foolishness?"

He cleared his throat, looking just as contrite as Emmett had earlier. "I made twenty dollars, actually."

.

.

.

We only had a couple of hours before it was time to head back to Dartmouth for the ceremony. Rosalie was already in the upstairs bathroom using up the hot water, and Emmett was setting up the television set in the living room.

"We have a perfectly good radio," Esme protested. And although I didn't say anything, I was a bit skeptical as well; I had observed many of my fellow students thinking about various television shows they had watched, and I didn't see the draw.

Emmett finally got it working, though the picture was a bit unreliable. He turned the dial, clicking through four or five stations. All at once, the living room was filled with the lively, familiar notes of _Hot House_.

"Hold it right there!" I said, grabbing his arm.

"What? This is just the Milton Berle show," Emmett said.

"That's Lionel Hampton!" I answered excitedly, pointing to the screen. "Esme, come look at this!"

Esme reluctantly joined us, but a smile lit up her face as she saw our favorite group performing. According to Emmett, this was something called a variety show, in which various celebrities came and spoke, or performed, in brief snatches, one right after the other. It seemed that the Lionel Hampton Orchestra had been invited this time, and I watched in awe as he merrily played his vibraphone on the screen.

"It's like he's right in our living room!" Esme said excitedly. I had finally, after years of effort, converted Esme into loving jazz. Swing had been the key, and she had soon joined Rosalie and I into keeping up with the latest recordings. Of course, the genre was always changing, and I personally wasn't a fan of the "revolutionary" sounds that men like Charlie Parker and Dizzy Gillespie were introducing. I found their style too chaotic and dissonant for my taste. But even as the big bands were beginning to dwindle in popularity, smaller groups were still finding fame, and I particularly enjoyed the direction that Lionel Hampton was moving in: Rhythm and Blues. But this song was more Esme's style, and she had a soft spot for the vibraphone, which she described as "wind chimes dancing to Swing".

But neither of us had ever seen him perform live before, and we were both instantly sold on the benefit of television: being able to watch our favorite musicians into our living room. As soon as the song changed, I kicked aside the moving boxes and soon had Esme twirling and laughing to the rhythmic energy of the _Brant Inn Boogie_.

"So can we keep the television?" Emmett shouted over the music. Esme nodded absently, her eyes trained on her own feet as we danced, weaving in and out of the moving boxes.

When the music ended, Emmett switched it off. "When do we need to leave?" he asked me.

"Six-thirty. And no, the hot water won't last that long."

While we waited for Rosalie to finish her hour-long shower, Emmett entertained us with stories from his construction job. His biggest challenge was always to appear as weak as the humans- a delicate task, when one was operating a jackhammer. He had enjoyed the work for a while, but even after he had gotten bored, he was obliged to keep working to support Rosalie's spending, and to pay the rent.

"Perhaps she should have been the one working, since she was the one spending it all," Carlisle mused.

"She tried once to get a job at a body shop," Emmett said with a grin. "They just laughed at her."

"That's a shame," Esme said. "They had no idea what they were passing up. And besides, women have held all kinds of jobs lately."

"Rosie the riveter," Emmett laughed, smirking up at the ceiling.

"I heard that!" Rosalie called from the shower.

"Well, regardless," Carlisle continued, "if you two ever want to try this again, we're going to have to sit down for a long talk about how to live on a budget. I still don't see how you two managed to deplete the starter money I gave you so fast!"

"The wedding," Emmett muttered under his breath.

Carlisle blinked. "What wedding?"

"Rosalie wanted to get married again. So we flew to Vegas and pretended we were eloping."

Carlisle just blinked again, but I doubled over laughing as I watched the charade fly through my brother's mind. "Emmett, you do realize that most vampires don't even get married _once!"_

"I think it's romantic," Esme said with a warm smile.

He shrugged. "She wanted to do it."

I just punched him in the shoulder. "You're a pushover, Em."

"I know," he said gleefully. _Don't worry, we'll invite you to the next one._

"Shower's free!" Rosalie announced as she walked into the living room. Emmett disappeared and I fondly watched my sister toweling off her hair. I was relieved to see that she at least hadn't replaced the engagement ring I had pilfered from my human mother's jewelry. She and Emmett had been married a good fifteen years now, and she was still glowing with the extra beauty that his love had given her. She was still as vain, selfish and spoiled as ever- Emmett obviously wasn't helping- but I loved her dearly. I closed my eyes, savoring the four minds of my family as they tangled in my own; we were complete again.

"I hear congratulations are in order," I said smoothly, as I opened my eyes.

Rosalie came out from under her towel. "What?"

"The wedding."

She grinned. "I figured that if we keep going to school over and over, why not get married occasionally, too?"

Carlisle raised his eyebrows. _Occasionally?_ _I hope she isn't planning on making this a habit._ _I'm not made completely of money, after all._

I couldn't resist. "Rosalie was just thinking how nice it was to be under your roof again, so that you can pay for the next one."

Rosalie shrieked and snapped her towel at me expertly. "I was _not_ thinking that!"

Emmett reappeared with his arms around Esme and a devilish smirk mirroring my own. "Really? You guys are going to throw us another one?" _Ha ha!_ _Good one, Eddie!_

I dodged the second snap, laughing at her bared teeth. Esme just sighed in contentment, thinking how nice it was to have all of her children back home, even if we were up to our old antics already.

 _This is the way it should be_ , she thought warmly as she relaxed into her oldest son's arms. _My life has never felt so full!_

.

.

.

The ceremony didn't take too long. Our class, which was now down to seventy-two, was paraded up onto the stage one at a time to be given our lab coats. When my turn came, the dean stood on one side of me and Dr. Warren on the other. As the two men slipped the brand-new, starched lab coat up onto my shoulders, I glanced up and gave a grateful nod to my family, who were sitting near the back of the auditorium. They each sent me their loving thoughts and applauded as I stepped down and returned to my place with my classmates. When we had all been "robed", we were all asked to remain standing.

The dean shuffled to the podium, and his approving gaze swept over us as he leaned toward the microphone. "Congratulations to all of you. As you young men draw toward the completion of your time at Dartmouth, I pray that you will all continue to demonstrate the same aptitude and responsibility that you have shown thus far. On this solemn occasion of commencement into the clinical phase of your training, I ask you to pledge that oath which your forebears have always sworn."

We all raised our right hands and recited the sacred words of the Hippocratic Oath together, and I smiled as I heard Carlisle reverently whispering the words along with me.

_Now being admitted into the profession of medicine, I solemnly pledge to consecrate my life to the service of humanity._

_I will give respect and gratitude to my deserving teachers. I will practice medicine with conscience and dignity. The health and life of my patient will be my first consideration. I will hold in confidence all my patient confides in me. I will maintain the honor and the noble traditions of the medical profession._

_My colleagues will be as my brothers. I will not permit considerations of race, religion, nationality, party politics or social standing to intervene between my duty and my patients._

_I will maintain the utmost respect for human life from the time of its conception. Even under threat I will not use my knowledge contrary to the laws of humanity. These promises I make freely and upon my honor._

The actual words of the Oath were quite different than the ones Carlisle had first sworn hundreds of years ago; this was the newest incarnation, penned only two years ago in Geneva. And this version was much less colorful and pagan than the original, though the sentiments were the same.

The audience broke into applause, and we all broke formation to congratulate each other. Nick and William clapped each other on the back, and then delicately tapped my shoulder, as they were accustomed to doing. Nick was just introducing William and I to his parents when his mouth suddenly went dry. I turned around to follow his gaze to find my sister gliding toward us, the sea of my classmates parting for her as she walked. She was devastating all of them with her emerald-green velvet evening dress, which made her hair look like it was glowing. Emmett was following her like a bodyguard, standing a full head above most of the crowd.

"Good evening," Nick stammered. His father was gawking just as badly, much to the annoyance of his mother. Emmett just grinned proudly; he enjoyed Rosalie's admirers almost as much as she did.

"Congratulations," Rosalie said as she delicately swept her eyes over all three of us.

"Thanks," I said loudly, in an effort to get my friend breathing again. "Where'd Carlisle and Esme go?"

"Carlisle's off chatting with some of the other doctors," she said absently. Then her gaze fell on William again. "Oh! I met you earlier today, when we came to surprise Edward. William, wasn't it?" She leaned back into Emmett's shoulder. "Remember William, darling? He was the one interested in the Cadillac."

Before William could protest, Rosalie turned and stared into his eyes. "It's such a shame, but we really do need to part with it. I'm afraid I'm ever so clumsy with money…" She blinked once, slowly.

William's jaw just dropped; he was a goner. And his father, who also been caught in the crossfire of Rosalie's magic, was already thinking about shuffling his accounts so that he could make it work.

"Shame, shame," I chided softly. Rosalie didn't bat an eyelash. By the time Carlisle and Esme joined us, William's father had already promised him the Cadillac as a heading-to-Harvard gift. They drifted away as soon as Rosalie released them from her gaze, and Carlisle looked curiously at us while he swished around his half-empty glass of champagne.

"We sold the Cadillac," Rosalie told our parents brightly. "They're coming to get it tomorrow."

"Back in black," Emmett hummed, sharing a discreet high-five with his wife.

"Well done, Rosalie!" Esme said proudly.

"Well done, my foot," I muttered. "Have you been taking lessons from Tanya?"

Rosalie frowned back at me. _That's not funny, Edward._

"You're right, I didn't mean that," I sighed. "It's just that they don't have as much money as you seem to think."

"Well, they will soon enough," she sniffed. "And don't tell me _you_ don't ever charm humans to get what you want."

"I only use that power for good," I said defensively. I told them the story about little Mary, and Rosalie was genuinely touched.

 _I really am proud of you_ , she thought when she had caught my eyes. _And I wouldn't have missed this for the world._

.

.

.

When we got home, Emmett announced that it was time for refreshments. We all agreed that a family hunt was in order, and went inside to change first. As I shrugged out of my new lab coat and was wondering where to hang it, Esme snatched it out of my hands.

"I'll take that," she said as she zipped down the hall to her own bedroom, blocking my mind as she went.

We went up to the White Mountains to hunt. Our house was actually located a bit south of Hanover, just outside of White River Junction, Vermont. This lengthened Carlisle's commute by a few miles, but the house was comfortably situated, well out of town and equidistant from three decent forests. But we hunted in the White Mountains most frequently, due to the bear population. Emmett was thrilled.

"Not bad," he mused as we drove back home. "Not bad at all." _Sure beats living in the city._ _Still, it's no Washington State._

"I know what you mean," I sighed. We all missed our home back in Hoquiam, and I had caught everyone, at various times, wondering if we might return there someday. In more populated areas like this, we usually ended up driving to our hunting destinations. I missed the freedom, and the running, that living in such a sparsely populated area had brought.

I also missed the house that we had had there. Now that Rosalie and Emmett were back with us, things would be a bit cramped. Esme, of course, was having the time of her life running through possible renovations in her head. Unfortunately, our property wasn't big enough this time to build my siblings a honeymoon cottage. I just hoped that having them back at home was going to work out.

.

.

.

My fears were soon laid to rest. It seemed that Rosalie and Emmett had finally calmed down a bit, and that our house was in no danger of being destroyed any time soon. Rosalie was sad to see her precious Cadillac go on Saturday morning, but she got right to work on the Lincoln.

"Esme, I need to go!" I called as I adjusted my tie on Tuesday morning. "And I'm supposed to start wearing my lab coat in clinicals today!"

"Just wait a minute," she called back. "Carlisle is supposed to get home before you go."

I soon heard my father's mind, and his car, pulling up in the driveway. I tossed my stethoscope over the back of my neck and gathered my books as I headed out the door. "Esme, I really have to-"

My parents were standing side by side and smiling at me proudly. Carlisle still had his own lab coat on- dingy and worn, compared to the crisp white one that Esme held, neatly draped over her arms. She stepped forward and helped me into it. As she adjusted it on my shoulders and lifted my stethoscope back on top, I saw that she had embroidered _E. Cullen_ below the left lapel.

"I'm saving some of the thread," she told me in a trembling voice. "For the M.D."

Carlisle had his own addition to make. He reached up to the lapel itself, fastening a pin on it. It was the ancient Rod of Asclepius, the familiar serpent winding up the rod as the symbol of medicine.

"You have sworn a solemn oath," he said quietly. "One that I know you will uphold. You can't _begin_ to know how proud I am of you, Edward." _Not even with your ability._ _You can't know how it felt to watch you swear the oath on Friday night._

Both of them drew me in for a close embrace, but Esme pulled away suddenly.

"Oh!" she cried, running into the house. "Just one more minute, Edward!"

I grinned as I saw her plan. "Stay put, Dr. Cullen," I ordered, keeping my arm wrapped around his back. In a few seconds, Esme returned with her camera and snapped a picture of us in our matching attire, standing and smiling side by side.


	5. Change of Plans

I could never have predicted the difference that wearing a simple white coat could make. I no longer heard any patients wondering if I was too young, and I now had nurses and female patients doing double-takes every time I walked by. My time in medical school had been mostly devoid of female interaction, and I had enjoyed the respite from their gawking. At least here, Dr. Warren's constant hovering protected me from any verbal unpleasantness.

Now that I had officially been cleared to do so, he was letting me handle more and more of the patient care as we made our rounds. He never left my side, but I gradually did more of the talking, and, occasionally, portions of our examinations and treatments. I was more grateful than ever that I had not been assigned to the Emergency Room, like William had; he was already being expected to stitch up bleeding patients over there. It was good for him, and he was slowly getting over his squeamishness, but I wasn't quite sure if I was ready for something like that. At any rate, I would have the summer to further tighten my control, and perhaps Carlisle would let me do some patient care alongside him on his night shift, if no one was watching.

Dr. Warren was also exposing me to as many children as possible. He was convinced that I was destined to become a pediatrician, and I couldn't deny the warm feeling of satisfaction I felt when I was able to treat the children. I knew his dream for me wasn't possible, though; the risk was too great, and I would probably never be able to go into _any_ specialty, considering how old I would have to appear to reach that level of training. Later that week, I was explaining this to Rosalie and Emmett.

"It's not fair," Emmett said. "to think that no matter how much you learn, you'll always be limited by your face."

"I know," I sighed. "I doubt I'll even be able to make it through to the end of my residencies."

"Can't we do something to make you look older, as you go on?" Esme wondered aloud. "After all, we made those bruises, and it fooled your lab partners."

"But they only lasted a couple of hours," I pointed out. "In order to use makeup to age myself, it would have to be able to stay on for at least twelve hours."

"Longer, actually," Carlisle put in. "Once you're in your residencies, you'll end up having rotations that last twenty-four hours, or even longer."

"It definitely wouldn't work, then," Esme admitted. "It's why I usually don't bother with makeup; our skin is so impermeable that it just falls off after a while."

Carlisle shook his head. "Darling, how many times have I told you that you don't _need_ makeup?"

"But we like to wear it sometimes," Rosalie protested. "Our features may be perfect, but we always look so tired and pale."

"Which is perfect for an exhausted resident, actually," Carlisle laughed.

"All right," I said, holding up my hands. "Makeup is out." I was relieved, actually; I couldn't stand the thought of walking around all day with chemicals stuck on my face.

"Surely there's other ways to look older," Rosalie mused. "Maybe you could cut your hair, later on." _Goodness knows you need it._

"Absolutely not!" Esme and I protested together. "Besides," I continued, "then it would already be short the next time around; it would only work once."

"I could break your nose in a couple of years," Emmett offered. I just kicked him under the table.

"Even if you don't cut your hair, you could still change it," Rosalie said thoughtfully. "You could part it and grease it down."

"What about eyeglasses?" Esme suggested. "That ought to give you a couple of years."

"Don't forget clothes," Emmett said. "You could add layers to look fatter, or try to wear styles that make you look older."

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "I never thought of any of this. Maybe I can get the whole way through, after all."

"I agree," Carlisle said, looking at me scientifically. "In fact, I think that with all the changes we've discussed, you could stretch it out to twenty-five, possibly."

"Really?"

"Yes. But you would have to make other changes, besides your appearance. Your voice, for example: you could make it deeper as time goes on, and sound tired more often. And you would have to walk slower, display less energy, things like that. Growing older generally means slowing down a bit, even in your twenties."

"And when you start at Yale this fall, you could try to speak in a younger way at first, like your peers," Esme suggested. "You have a habit of speaking in a way that is too mature for your age. This way, you could 'age' your mannerisms, along with your appearance."

"Esme has a point," Emmett said. "You're so mature sometimes that you're downright boring."

"Thanks," I said caustically.

"No, I'm serious!" he protested. "We haven't even wrestled since I got back. And you haven't shattered a phone booth in what, fourteen years?" _Ha ha!_ _Remember that?_

"Anyway," I said quickly, "I'll be leaving earlier than usual tomorrow. I'm heading down to Yale to observe surgery. "

Carlisle frowned. "Surgery? You'd better hunt tonight, then."

"No, I'll be fine," I assured him. "I signed up to watch an outpatient procedure- a hand. There won't be that much more blood than what I've already been around in clinicals. And I'm excused for the whole day, so I'll be home early, as well."

"Better you than me," Emmett said, making a face. _I still don't understand why you picked a profession involving blood._

"Emmett," Esme scolded, "I think it's wonderful that Edward is studying a field in which he can help people. Speaking of which, what are your plans this fall?"

"College," Emmett said proudly. Esme gave a little gasp and jumped up to hug him.

"Your first time!" she sighed as she sat back down by Carlisle. "Have you thought of a major you're interested in?"

"Not yet. But Rose and I want to match, so we can have most of our classes together. I mean, if you don't mind…" he trailed off awkwardly, glancing at Carlisle.

"Tuition? Don't give it another thought," Carlisle said, sounding just as proud as Esme. "You're back under our roof, and assuming younger ages. And I think you'll really enjoy college, regardless of which area you choose to study."

"It'll be funny being younger than Edward," Rosalie said, wrinkling her nose. _I'm not sure I like that._

"No, I don't think we should change our cover story," I told her. "I've already mentioned the fact that you were older to one or two classmates."

"And I've done the same at work," Carlisle said, giving me a wink. "Since Edward is claiming twenty, let's have Rosalie be twenty-one. We'll just have to come up with a reason why you two are just beginning college now ." We all nodded our agreement. "Anyway, since Edward will be getting home early tomorrow, maybe we could all go hunting? I'm getting a bit thirsty."

"I'm game," Emmett said. "I can't get enough of those bears. Rose?"

She shook her head. "Esme and I were going to go shopping tomorrow."

"Well, no girls allowed then. Even better," Emmett grunted, cracking his knuckles toward me eagerly. _We._ _Are._ _Wrestling._ _And since Esme won't be looking, I'm going to beat you into next week._

"You're welcome to try," I growled back happily, baring my teeth in challenge. I was looking forward to it, too. I had been a little nervous, before, about Emmett's and Rosalie's eventual return. After living on their own for so long, I had worried that they would treat me as even younger than they had before. But as I should have expected, they were unchanged; in fact, they both seemed to have had their fill of being responsible adults. And Emmett was right; we hadn't wrestled in years. And without the women around, this fight promised to be a good one.

"All right," Carlisle said, grinning. _Those two…_ "We'll go as soon as Edward gets home." Then he turned back to me, raising an eyebrow. "Now what's this about a phone booth?"

.

.

.

My heart was light as I drove down to Yale-New Haven Hospital the next morning. I had already been accepted as a third-year transfer into Yale's medical school, which was just across the street from the hospital. As I parked, I was pleased to see plenty of shade dotting the walk between the two; hopefully the weather wouldn't be as limiting when I came here this fall. The clouds had been especially uncooperative lately, and Dr. Patterson wasn't the only professor who was getting annoyed by my truancy.

There were two others in my class who were coming to Yale, but William and Nick were both going to Harvard as planned. I would promise to keep in touch, and then let our "friendship" fade naturally as we parted ways. I would miss my human friends, but it was for the best. After our family's brainstorming session last night, I had higher hopes now about making it through all of my residencies, and possibly even holding a job for a year or two. I had a better chance at fooling those around me if I kept them all at arm's length. It was bad enough that I had the other classmates coming here with me, but at least they were both just acquaintances, not friends. I would need to be sure to keep it that way.

The cover story, as of right now, was that I would be renting an apartment just a mile from the campus, and driving back home on weekends, or as my schedule allowed. In reality, I wouldn't be able to stand living in such proximity with a whole crowd of human minds. I would just be parking my car outside the apartment, and running back home most nights. I might stay in Connecticut occasionally, if I had a lot of studying to do, or if the weather was particularly bad. This was my first time "living" away from home, while still being a part of the family. And even though I had always intended to come home most nights, I had still been feeling guilty about it, because of Esme. But now that Emmett and Rosalie were back, I knew she would be all right.

As I walked into the hospital, I checked my watch: 7:50. The procedure was scheduled for eight o'clock; I couldn't see it taking more than twenty minutes. I would go to the apartment complex afterwards and see if I could get in to look at the apartment, so that Esme and I could go shopping for furniture, just to keep up appearances. I had even invited William along, since we were supposed to be here together today. This was going to be the last hurrah for the three musketeers; two of them, at least. After that, I would need to let the friendship fade. But William had called me late last night to tell me he was sick. His voice had been convincingly hoarse as he asked me to relay his apologies for his absence today. I was a bit suspicious that he was just trying to avoid another sick stomach, but it wasn't really my business anyway.

I made my way into the outpatient center, and walked up to the secretary's desk. She looked up from her coffee, catching her breath as she took in my features.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. My name is Edward Cullen, from Dartmouth Medical School. I'm here to observe the hand procedure at eight o'clock."

"Just a moment." She opened her appointment book, frowning down at it. "I'm sorry, but that patient cancelled- she's got that nasty flu that's going around. I have a note here, that says you're to report to Dr. Landis, second floor."

"Thank you," I said, unable to hide my smile as I headed toward the stairs. Dr. Landis was the student coordinator here at Yale- New Haven, and I had heard enough about him in Dr. Patterson's thoughts to know that he thought us Dartmouth students a great nuisance. With luck, he wouldn't even bother to reschedule my observation; He would probably just load me down with reading material, to make up for the lost opportunity, and send me on my way. I hadn't been too worried about the blood during the brief procedure today, but it was nice to have a reprieve. And if I could find Dr. Landis quickly enough, I would be back home before noon, easily. Carlisle, Emmett and I would be able to extend our hunting trip, and maybe find some better game than we had been getting lately.

I found him waiting impatiently at the end of a long hallway. He was a burly, unpleasant-looking man, who frowned as I approached him.

"Dr. Landis? I'm one of the students from Dartmouth, sir, and I was told to-"

"About time," he muttered, looking past me. "Aren't there supposed to be two of you?"

"William Cummings is sick, and sends his apologies," I answered. "I'm Edward Cullen."

His annoyance faded a bit. "Cullen? You're one of the ones transferring in this fall, aren't you?"

I smiled pleasantly. "Yes, sir. I'm looking forward to it."

"Of course you are," he said gruffly. "Let's go. Haven't got all day." He started walking briskly down the hall, and after a moment's hesitation, I followed. "It's better this way, actually," he said over his shoulder. "Won't be so crowded in there."

"In where, sir?" I asked uncomfortably. I didn't like the direction his thoughts were heading in.

He stopped walking suddenly, and I found myself standing in front of a long sink, at which another man was already scrubbing his hands vigorously.

"This is your lucky day, Cullen," Dr. Landis said magnanimously as the other man turned his head halfway to give me a quick nod and smile. "Meet Dr. William Glenn. Since your observation was cancelled, I managed to get you in here to see him in action."

"Thank you, sir," I said weakly as I watched him walk away. The other man finally turned around, and my heart sank as I recognized him from Dr. Warren's thoughts. This was Dr. Glenn, the _heart_ surgeon.

"Hello, there," he said kindly, continuing to scrub. "Say, if you're coming into the OR, you'd better scrub in."

"Scrub in?" I asked in alarm. "Surely I'm not going to be… participating?"

"Of course not," he laughed. "You're only a second-year, right?" I nodded, relieved. "No, you're just observing. But there's a nasty flu going around. Wouldn't want to get those germs into an open chest cavity, would you?"

"No, sir," I mumbled, stepping up to the sink slowly and reaching for the soap. "So, what procedure will you be doing today?"

"Repairing a stenosed pulmonary valve," he said eagerly. "Exciting stuff; you'll be the envy of your classmates." He paused, noticing my hesitation. "Is there a problem? You're not sick, are you?"

My hand froze on the soap bar. I still had a chance to get out of this, and I should probably take it. I hadn't hunted in over a week, and there would be much more blood than I had expected. Dr. Glenn had just given me the perfect alibi: there _was_ a nasty flu bug going around. All I had to do was hint that I was wasn't feeling well, and I would be excused. And the semester was almost over; there was a chance they wouldn't even reschedule me for another observation.

On the other hand, if I got "sick", I would need to take several days off of my classes, and I had already missed quite a lot lately due to the sunny weather. And even though the incision was going to be larger than I felt comfortable with, the surgical team would no doubt cauterize the edges of the wound quickly enough; there shouldn't be too much active bleeding during the surgery itself. And Carlisle would be _fascinated_ to hear about this when I got home.

I started moving again, lathering up my hands quickly. "No, sir, I'm fine. It's just that I'm wondering if this patient is the same man I've seen in my clinicals; I know he was coming to you for pulmonary valve repair soon."

"What's his name?"

"John Lewis, age twenty."

He barked out a laugh, shaking his hands over the sink. "That's the one! Small world, isn't it? Come on, you might get a chance to say hello before we knock him out."

He held his drying hands in the air, walking sideways to shove the door open with his hip. I swallowed my fear, and followed him in through the door. I was grateful to be hit with the harsh scent of bleach, left over from the last cleaning; this would help. I began taking deep breaths in through my nose, gladly accepting the scorching burn that the chemical gave me. Yes, this would definitely help. This was going to be easier than I had thought.

The team was already assembled, and I recognized Mr. Lewis, who was already lying on the table and having his chest prepped by the nurse. When I entered the room, he lifted his head off the table, grinning at me.

"That's my doc, from back home!" he proclaimed, pointing to me. "Coleman, right?"

"Cullen," I corrected, amused at his assumption. "It's good to see you again, Mr. Lewis. And yes, I was the student with Dr. Warren that day, when he cleared you for surgery. Today I'll be observing Dr. Glenn."

"Well, I'm glad you're here," he said with a sigh. "Makes it a little less scary, seeing a familiar face, you know?" _I feel safer with him here, somehow._

"Small world, small world," Dr. Glenn said pleasantly as the nurse dressed him in his surgical apron. "Well, Mr. Lewis, we'll see you on the other side! Count backwards from ten, please."

The nurse lifted the ether mask toward Mr. Lewis' face, and his eyes grew wide with fear; it seemed it was time for another dose of vampire-induced trust. I edged closer, speaking softly. "It's all right, Mr. Lewis. The gas will help you fall asleep, and the anesthesia in your I.V. will keep you asleep. You'll wake up after a good nap, and it'll all be over." He relaxed his head back down, succumbing to my hypnotic gaze and nodding bravely to the nurse, who fitted the mask over his nose and mouth. It was a good thing that a sterile cloth was draped over the tray which contained the barbaric-looking equipment needed for the procedure; if Mr. Lewis had seen all _that_ , I doubt even I would have been able to calm him down.

"Good luck, Mr. Lewis," I added as he began to count and breathe in the ether. The nurse handed me a cotton mask, and by the time I had gotten it on, our patient was already drifting away from the gas. I was relieved to see that the IV was already in place in his right arm; it would deliver the general anesthesia necessary to keep him full unconscious during the procedure. Behind Mr. Lewis' head was the anesthesiologist, who would be monitoring his vital signs and adjusting the anesthesia accordingly. I imagined my friend William in his place someday, though I wondered if he realized just how "gross" the daily life of an anesthesiologist was. This man probably spent more time in the OR than the surgeons!

"That's quite a bedside manner you're developing there, Mr. Cullen," Dr. Glenn said generously.

"Thank you, sir. And I appreciate this opportunity."

"All right, folks," he said in a louder voice as he donned his cap and gloves. "We've got a twenty-year-old male presenting with isolated congenital stenosis of the pulmonary valve. I'll be entering through the left chest wall to perform digital dilation of the affected valve, assisted by blade." He paused, waited for the anesthesiologist's thumbs-up, and glanced up at the clock. "8:02, and we're opening up. Scalpel."

* * *

**At this point in the Series, I recommend reading the Outtake entitled "Arrival (1 of 2)", which occurs on the same day as this past chapter here. It does contain a mild spoiler for the next two chapters of 1950, but it's more exciting that way, and the spoiler doesn't give away too much. (In other words, if you despise spoilers, don't read it until you've read more of this one.) I would advise saving the second Arrival outtake for when you read the Arrival chapter of this story.**


	6. Descent

**I'm heading out of town tomorrow, and so I really wanted to get this chapter out, though it's rather short. But man, is it intense! In the interest of my T rating, I tried not to be too explicit with the first half of the surgery, which is by far the grossest. But once we get down to the heart, I needed to be pretty descriptive, in order for the narrative to be clear.**

**A little anatomy lesson, to help you visualize the surgery: the right side of the heart pumps the blood into the lungs, through the pulmonary valve, which is the entrance to the pulmonary arteries. A healthy pulmonary valve has three leaflets, which open and close freely to allow the flow of blood as the right ventricle pushes with each contraction. A "stenosed" valve is too stiff, and the leaflets are often stuck together, and/or inflamed. The goal of surgery, no matter what decade you're in, is to free up the valve, either by stretching the leaflets, or by separating them with a special blade, sometimes called a "tenotome". (Of course these days, you can just get a new valve, if the situation calls for it) Mr. Lewis is one lucky fellow, because up until the forties, heart surgery in general was seen as unethical, and a valve as bad as his was pretty much a death sentence. Open heart surgery, and the bypass machine which first made its appearance in 1953, is still theoretical. The first successful "pulmonary valvulotomy" surgery had only been performed three years earlier, and new advancements and inventions regarding this procedure were happening monthly in the early fifties, by geniuses like William Glenn.**

* * *

As Dr. Glenn raised the scalpel, I drew as deep a breath as I could manage, and held it. I averted my eyes as he made the incision, but I was unable to fully block the image being given to me by the other minds in the room. The air instantly was filled with the delicious aroma of Mr. Lewis's blood, and my throat began with a gentle burn. But I could do this. I had been exposed to blood a total of twenty-one times in clinicals now, and several more during my unofficial rounds with Carlisle. This was no different; just more than the other times. _Just another blood challenge_ , I reminded myself firmly. _And you don't even have to breathe for this one._ The monster wasn't invited.

I focused on as many things as possible, to drown out the aroma and the sight of the blood as it welled up around the sliding scalpel . The ticking of the clock on the wall. The smell of the iodine, and the bleach. The buzzing from the fluorescent lights. The murmur coming from our patient's faulty valve... No, that one probably wasn't a good idea. I tilted my head up slightly, focusing intently on the tiny cobwebs lacing the edges of the ceiling. I could do this. Just a few more seconds, and they would cauterize. The rest of the procedure would be relatively bloodless; the valve would be accessed via the pulmonary artery, and a cardioscope would aid Dr. Glenn in finding and dilating the stubborn valve leaflets. It would all be done through a tiny pinhole in the artery. I just had to get past this initial bleeding, first. Just a few more seconds.

My venom began to flow, and I clenched my teeth impatiently as the slow burn in my throat began to sizzle. I pretended to adjusted my cap, using my forearm to attempt to brush my cotton mask closer to my nose. No effect. I closed my eyes now, focusing now on the thoughts of the cleaning lady who was passing by in the hall. Come on, come _on_ …

"Cauterize."

I resisted the urge to let out my breath in relief, as Dr. Glenn spoke the magic word. The nurse handed him the iron, and the smell of burning flesh rose up to blend with the blood scent in the air. My throat cooled in response. I still didn't breathe, though; a quick glance around the walls told me that the OR was sealed fairly well, and I realized with a sinking feeling that the blood scent itself would stay heavy in the air until the procedure was over. No matter; the worst of the bleeding was past. And I had no intention of breathing again, while I was in here.

"So, Mr. Cullen, I hear you're transferring into Yale next semester."

I frowned at Dr. Glenn's back. I hadn't planned on needing to _talk_ while I was in here; I had a breath to hold. Still, I had the air for a few words. "Yes, sir."

"Good man."

I nodded, hoping that was the end of it. But Dr. Glenn was still feeling chatty as he dug deeper in our patient. "Any particular field of interest?"

I was about to say pediatrics. It wasn't really true, per se, although it did go along with what I had been doing in clinicals. But if I gave him anything specific, he might want to talk even more about it.

"Not yet, sir," I said with as little air as possible.

"Well, son, I hope you'll consider cardiology. Breakthrough after breakthrough, these days; these are exciting times, and we're right on the cutting edge here at Yale." He chuckled at his own joke, and glanced up to one of the nurses. "Bone saw."

I was grateful for the loud whirring sound that replaced Dr. Glenn's small talk. And he seemed to be focusing more now, as he carefully cut and pried his way into Mr. Lewis' chest cavity. New smells arose from the operating table, and my thirst eased further. The procedure _was_ fascinating, even this preliminary part. I finally opened my eyes to watch for myself, just in time for one of the nurses to glance my way with a shy smile. I frowned back to discourage her, but of course the mask obscured this; all she got out of it was my prolonged eye contact, and her pulse sped up in response. I rolled my eyes theatrically, and she wisely stopped thinking about me, turning her attention back to Dr. Glenn's handiwork.

"Spreader."

He was getting down to business, now. He soon had a nice opening through the ribs and I could see the pericardium thumping, its stuttering rhythm out of sync with the gentle rise and fall of the lungs. I drew an inch closer, transfixed by the mysteries of the living human body, laid open before my eyes.

What was _I_ like inside? I knew that Carlisle had seen vampires be torn apart before, during his time with the Volturi. But despite his curiosity, he had been so troubled by the executions that he had never done any sort of… autopsy. And since a disassembled vampire is still technically alive until the moment of incineration, I supposed that he would have considered such a procedure to be unconscionable. But it was a shame; now that I saw the human cardiopulmonary system in action, I was terribly curious about the state of my own heart and lungs. Were they just cold stones now? Or had my body absorbed those useless organs during the transformation? Did I even _have_ a heart in there? Or just a thirsty monster, filling the void left behind by my organs and my soul?

Dr. Glenn sliced into the pericardium, revealing the… ventricles? I had expected him to work higher up. I wanted to ask him why he was going in this way, but I didn't have the air.

A new, deeper voice spoke up- the anesthesiologist. "Looks like you've got yourself a convert, Glenn." Dr. Glenn looked up from his work and followed his colleague's gaze back to my eyes, which showed my fascination and curiosity. I was smiling behind my mask, my thirst forgotten.

"Excellent!" he laughed. "Nothing like seeing a beating heart to give you some passion, eh? We'll make a cardiologist out of you yet. Come closer and take a look at this."

I gladly moved forward, peering down inside the pericardium as he stripped it away. The right ventricle was obviously struggling against the stiff, unyielding resistance of the stenosed pulmonary valve. The blood should have been flowing easily into the pulmonary artery, and into the lungs. If all went well, Mr. Lewis' poor right ventricle would soon get some relief. If he survived the surgery, of course; these things were always a gamble, even when a vampire _wasn't_ standing in the room.

"Now!" Dr. Glenn murmured as he handed the scalpel back to the nurse. "Let's see if our budding cardiologist can tell us what's next in this procedure." _He's never going to get this right._

But I was ready for him. "Insertion of a cardioscope into root of the left pulmonary artery, followed by blind valvulotomy with the attached blade." That was it; I was out of air.

"Ha!" he scoffed, sharing a disdainful look with the anesthesiologist. "That's what you get for going to Dartmouth, Cullen. Always a year behind, those dinosaurs. Didn't you hear me say 'digital' earlier?"

I frowned, steeling myself as I drew in a shallow, fiery breath. "Yes, sir. And I was wondering why you're accessing the heart so far below the artery."

"That," he said triumphantly, "is because I'm not using the artery at all. We're going in through the ventricular wall."

I looked up at his face in alarm. "You're cutting into the heart itself?" I stammered. "I thought open heart surgery was only theoretical." _And far too bloody!_

He waved his hand dismissively. "Oh, it's still theoretical… for now. Anyway, we're just going to be sneaking inside, not opening up fully. And that's where the 'digital' comes in," he added, wiggling his gloved index finger at me. "The cardioscope hasn't lived up to our expectations, and using the pulmonary artery has ended up more dangerous than we like. So I'm going to be making an incision right into the ventricle itself, and- you got the 'blind' part right- using the most sensitive tool known to man to palpate the true extent of the stenosis."

"You're going to stick your finger inside his heart?" I asked weakly.

"You got it."

"Barbarian," muttered the anesthesiologist, with a teasing grin.

Dr Glenn snickered behind his mask, extending his hand for a fresh scalpel. "You want barbarism in cardiac surgery? Go up to Canada. Can you tell us what they're researching up there, Mr. Cullen? Or is Dartmouth still teaching you to bleed patients?"

I didn't have the heart to smile at his joke. All I could picture was Mr. Lewis' heart being sliced open, and blood spurting out as Dr. Glenn blindly jammed his finger around inside. I was getting a similar image from one of the nurses' minds; she had never seen the new procedure before, and was imagining an even bigger fountain of blood than I was. The fire began to spread down my throat, and I swallowed a bolus of venom before drawing yet another breath of blood-scented air. The heart thumped on merrily, blissfully unaware of its danger. This time, the thumping wasn't a just curious spectacle; it was an invitation, a rhythmic whisper promising me a ready feast. I felt a stirring inside my own chest in response- not my dead heart answering back, but the clash of chains as the monster struggled against his prison, demanding that I step another inch closer.

I told him to keep it down, and took a step backwards. This was no time to start listening to _him._

"Well, Mr. Cullen?"

I pulled my gaze away from the heart, back to Dr. Glenn's waiting eyes. _Canada?_

"Something with dogs and ice baths," I answered through the haze. "Hypothermia?"

"Right-o," Dr. Glenn said proudly. "They submerge the poor things in ice baths- after anesthetizing them, of course. This slows down the heart so much that your open-heart surgery is starting to look more than theoretical." He raised the scalpel, laying it directly on the heart muscle. I took another step backwards in panic.

"It's a pipe dream," the anesthesiologist insisted. "There's no way to accurately measure the extent of brain damage that the hypothermia may be causing, in the dogs. They'll never approve human testing."

"Oh, I think they will," Dr. Glenn countered, pulling the scalpel away to argue his point. "They think therapeutic hypothermia is the future of cardiac surgery. Idiots."

"I suppose you have a better idea," his colleague huffed. _No doubt involving some innovative contraption involving Erector sets and rubber, if I know William Glenn._

"As it happens, yes," Glenn sniffed, turning his face to the side and wiping his forehead on the shoulder of his apron. The nurse on his side clucked her tongue disapprovingly and reaching up to wipe the rest of the sweat away. "We're working on a new device here at Yale. A pump that will take the blood away from the right side of the heart, into an external oxygenator. And the pump will keep the left-sided circulation moving, and dump the fresh blood back into the aorta, or the subclavian, or whatever. This will allow us to shut down the heart completely, and then we can slice it up however we want. Bingo, you've got open heart surgery."

 _Barbarian!_ "Brilliant, as always, Dr. Glenn."

"Of course it's brilliant," Dr. Glenn snorted. "But I won't be allowed to do any of that for some time- not until I get more funding, and more desperate patients. Which is why I'm also working on ways to improve _this_ procedure. Tomorrow we have another pulmonary valve, my friend, and I'm going to try out my new rubber diverticulum. I'll be able to palpate the valve through the rubber with practically no blood loss, and do the trimming through a much smaller hole." He raised the scalpel again. "Now, pay attention, Mr. Cullen! Let's put this doubting Thomas to shame. Barbarism, indeed!"

I ground my teeth, grateful for the mask which hid my frustration. If I had only come tomorrow! Or in a few more years, and the heart wouldn't even have been beating. Unbelievable.

Before I could think to protest, the scalpel bit down. I sucked in a deep breath in preparation, just as the blood began to flow again. Thankfully, there was much less of it than I had feared; the floundering insufficiency of the right ventricle had made its wall thick and weak. The blood flowed sluggishly around Dr. Glenn's steady hand as he stared up at the ceiling, poking around blindly inside the heart. He began to chatter about the valve, which he was now feeling directly, but I couldn't hear him anymore.

I was staring at the heart, its rhythmic cadence in time with the pulsing leak of blood it was sending out. I was in agreement with the monster about one thing; this _was_ a beautiful sight. I took one step closer, fascinated anew by this insight into the human body. I had my doubts about Carlisle's faith, but standing here, it was hard to deny the creative genius of Whoever had designed the cardiopulmonary system. I gasped in wonder, but flinched as the new breath made the flames tear deeper into my stomach. With each beat of the heart, the air grew thicker with the rich, tantalizing scent of blood, and my fists clenched tighter. The monster was rattling the bars of his prison desperately now, and I could feel the color changing in my eyes as first my shoulders tensed, then my leg muscles. My eyes blinked and widened, as the rest of the room blurred around me, a hazy tunnel which centered around the beauty of the thudding heart, which was now whispering its invitation with each beat: _Feed. Feed. Feed._

Dr. Glenn withdrew his hand, immediately replacing it with the tenotome. The nurse was ready with the needle and thread, and he immediately began to close the edges of the incision around the handle. But not soon enough; in the three seconds before he got some sutures in, two heartbeats sent out two gushes of blood flowing out the incision, which was now larger than the handle which protruded from it.

I suddenly felt the coolness of metal in my hands; I had somehow grabbed onto the edge of the gurney and was stepping closer once again. Somewhere in the haze, I heard Dr. Glenn shouting for me to back away. But the pulsing call of the heart drowned out his order, and the edges of my vision tinted with red. My lips drew back, exposing my teeth behind my mask as I stared down into the waiting feast. This was the essence of a vampire's desire, laid bare before my very eyes! I blinked and shook my head, but the monster was screaming in my ears now. _FEED!_

My whole world turned red; I knew this was it. This was my last chance to stop my monster... to stop _myself._ I spun around and lurched blindly for the door, shoving aside the shoulder and the tray of instruments that were in my way. I flew out of the room, barely hearing the crash of metal against tile as I burst out into the hallway. But the hallway was filled with humans too, their pulses thudding in my ears as the monster shouted his rage at my betrayal. There was shouting behind me, as well, coming from the OR. But I couldn't stick around to figure out why they were shouting; I just ran.


	7. Plummet

**I just wanted to say thank you once again for everyone's wonderful reviews. I do try to respond to them all and I really enjoy talking things through and brainstorming with readers.**

**Okay, the next two chapters will be pretty bleak; but I think you all saw that coming, after that last outtake. Never fear, Alice and Jasper are running as fast as they can!**

* * *

I didn't slow down, or even come to my senses, until I was somewhere in Massachusetts. I stopped on a dime in the middle of some miniature forest, and tore off the surgical garb that was continuing to plague me with the scent of my prey's blood.

"He's _not_ your _prey!_ " I snarled as I began digging furiously. My trembling hands shoved the gown, cap, and mask into the hole, even as the monster took one last whiff of them. As soon as I had them covered well enough I sank to my knees on top of the mound, finally giving in to the raging storm inside me. I gripped the back of my head in my hands, tugging as hard as I could at my hair to distract myself from the monster's roar as I dragged him, inch by inch, back into his prison. The battle was fierce, fiercer than it had been in decades. Even as I shoved my enemy down, he tore at my throat with his talons and continued to scream his demands.

_Go back! Go back! Go back!_

I finally opened my eyes to find myself rocking back and forth and the sun high overhead. How long had I sat here? Where was I? And more importantly, what manner of idiocy had I just committed?

I drew several deep breaths, making sure to check my surroundings; this was no time to run into a hiker. I didn't even know which forest I was in, but I knew one thing; I need to get out of Massachusetts, and fast. The sky was a brilliant, unbroken blue, and there wasn't nearly enough forested land around here to cover me. Even here in the thick of the woods, the shadows on my skin were broken by patches of my glittering alienness. If someone should happen on me just now… I shuddered, unsure whether I was more afraid of exposure, or of what I might do in my current state. My throat was a blazing furnace, though at least I had gotten my feet to stop twitching back toward the way I had come. I clenched my teeth again, forcing myself to focus. I verified that I was alone, at least within the stretch of my gift. And I could hear the rush of cars off to my left on what I assumed must be U.S. Route 5. This placed me in one of the tiny state forests which dotted the land to the east of the highway, in the northern half of the state. Good. I began running again, bearing slightly to the northeast, to keep myself inside the safety of the trees' canopy. As I ran, I tried to keep a nose out for something decent to hunt, but my heart wasn't in it; the scents were just so bland and bitter, compared to the rich, sweet cloud of…

I ran impossibly faster, cursing my slippery will. How had I let this happen? Why, _why_ didn't I just go with the flu excuse that Dr. Glenn had practically fed me? What delusion had possessed me, to think that I could swagger into an OR and calmly observe cardiac surgery? Had I really become this arrogant, to think that the monster had been locked away for good? To think that I could actually stand a foot away from an exposed human heart, and that he would just look the other way? That I was actually strong enough to fight the beast inside of me even as I waved a blood-red flag in his eyes? That I had somehow _won_? Was I really that stupid?!

I was, apparently. And I hadn't stopped there. No, I had just _stood_ there, letting it happen. I had bravely stood my ground against my escalating thirst, determined to make the most of the educational experience. I had waited long past the point where I should have run out. And the worst part was, I had done it to _protect_ _my_ _patient._ I had been so determined not to disturb the aseptic environment of the operating theatre; opening the door was forbidden, after all, once the patient had been opened. So in my misguided desire to protect my pr-… to protect Mr. Lewis, I had stayed. I had stayed until I saw the point of no return flying toward my face, and I had barely made it out. I had saved his life, but I had done it only seconds before taking it myself.

And if I had?

It wouldn't have stopped there. It would have been a massacre, and one of the most brilliant minds of our time would have been snuffed out. By _me._ By my foolish, arrogant assumption that I had defeated the monster within. And then what? Once I had slaughtered the unlucky inhabitants of the OR, how would I have made my escape? The OR opened into a busy hallway. Would others have had to die to protect my secret? But the most tragic casualty would have been John Lewis. A man who had been expressly _relieved_ to see me standing there as he submitted himself to the knife. Who had felt safer with me there. Who had _trusted_ me.

Who else would trust me, if I continued on this ridiculous path? Who would be the unlucky one? When would the day come when one of my patients truly became my prey, their sheeplike trust quickly shifting to horror as my white coat took on the stain of their blood? What if it was a _child_? A new terror seized me as I remembered little Mary and her trust. I was playing with fire here, and it needed to stop. I needed to accept the fact that I wasn't ready for this, and that I might never-

"That _was_ quick!"

Emmett plowed into me, and we tumbled head over heels back under the canopy of the forest's edge. When had I gotten home?! I growled in my confused rage, attacking him with everything I had. I had his throat in my hands in two seconds, and I barely stopped myself from biting, turning my face away at the last second. He boomed out a laugh and brought his fist up inside the ring of my arms, snapping my head back so hard that when I finally saw our house, it was upside-down.

 _That's what I'm talkin' about!_ He followed through on the punch with his knee in my chest. I saw the kick just in time, and avoided it with a back flip and attacked again. I shot up into his face and sent us both crashing into a second tree, which fell along with us. Emmett laughed, not realizing his danger; my vision was tinged with red again, and I was dangerously close to hurting my brother. I clenched my teeth shut and forced myself to pull away from the thrill of combat.

"Later, Emmett. Let's hunt first."

I pushed against his chest to get up, but he was having too much fun. He locked his arms around my back and flipped up into his feet, throwing me back down into the fallen tree, which exploded into a shower of splinters as I crashed right through it, face first, into the ground.

"Emmett, stop-" but he drove me deeper into the ground as he body-slammed me, and my mouth filled with dirt as his landing knocked my jaws open. I scrambled to turn on him, livid and snarling now as I spat the dirt out. But he already had one elbow around my throat. He laughed again in his momentary victory; all the rage in the world wasn't enough to twist out of an Emmett Cullen Rear Stranglehold, especially when he's got his knee in your back. I jerked uselessly in his grip, and it took every ounce of willpower _not_ to twist my face around and bite his shoulder. I would have satisfaction, though. The monster inside me roared in battle fury, determined to have victory, if not blood. I began digging with my knees and my one free hand beneath us, deepening the ditch.

Before Emmett realized what was happening, I had enough room to bend my knees and kick backwards, while my hand looped around and pulled on his shirt, flipping him over my head. I sprang up to meet him before he hit the ground, and he greeted me with his fist. I dodged the punch while still in midair, grabbing his outstretched arm and climbing up to grab his neck as we smashed into the ground. Emmett had, meanwhile, gotten my right leg twisted behind his back, and we both paused for a millisecond, snarls rumbling in both our chests as we tried to get our bearings. This time I _really_ couldn't move, and that was a good thing. I took another deep breath, willing myself to calm down.

Emmett couldn't breathe at all; his face was firmly buried in the ground. But even as he snarled with energy, his shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. _That… was… amazing! You haven't been that fun in years!_ I just clenched my jaw, thinking how much "fun" he had almost gotten himself into. I had almost bitten him twice this time. Did he really want to try for a third? My teeth were only two inches from his neck now, but I was in control again… mostly.

There was a breeze around us and Carlisle skidded to a stop, laughing, beside the tangled heap that Emmett and I were still in. "I see you two aren't wasting any time," he chuckled. "But you'd better take it out into the woods, or Esme will… Edward?"

He had finally seen my eyes; black as jet.

 _What's wrong?_ _Are you hurt?_

"I'm fine," I growled. I jerked my right shoulder against Emmett, and he rolled away from me cheerfully. I sank down to lie on my back, closing my eyes to help the energy subside. I wasn't ready to be back home yet, or to tell Carlisle about this. Now that Emmett had helped me expend the worst of my fury, my head was clear, and I needed time to think. But first, I needed to hunt. _Now._

"I'm fine," I repeated, more gently this time. "It's just… there was a bit more blood today than I expected. You were right, I should have hunted beforehand." I averted my gaze, focusing on the dirt I was brushing off my sleeves.

Carlisle frowned. "I thought it was just going to be a little hand procedure."

"It was," I lied, brushing harder at the dirt. "The lesion was just a bit more involved than I expected. And I'm fine… just thirsty. Emmett?"

He was still wiping dirt out of his eyes. "Let's go," he grinned. "Those bears aren't getting any younger."

I followed my brother into the trees, feeling Carlisle's worried gaze boring into my back. But he let it go, and followed us in. I split off from them both and went my own way, following the scent of a deer. I forced myself to drink the awful stuff, trying not to imagine what Mr. Lewis' blood would have tasted like, had I just stayed for five more seconds this morning.

I could barely stand the taste after that thought. I finally dropped the deer half-drunk, unable to continue. Were my eyes light enough yet? There weren't any puddles about to check in, but I just couldn't bring myself to drink any more, not when I had come so close to the…

"Stop," I growled. At least my throat had cooled; if nothing else, the thirst had been extinguished by the bitterness of the deer's blood. I buried my kill and leapt up into the higher branches of an ancient spruce. I leaned my head back against the trunk, keeping my eyes closed until I felt all my muscles relax.

I finally opened my eyes and stared into the sun, my vision shimmering with the extra light that was reflecting off of my face. Then I looked down at my arms, frowning at the smear of deer's blood that had trailed down my sleeve when I dropped it. And the rest of me was a mess too, from my scrap with Emmett: my other sleeve was torn away, I was covered in dirt and one of my shoes was missing. Emmett was right; we hadn't had such a terrific fight in years. I bore all the marks of being a monster, right now: the ragged clothing, the blood stains, the sun glittering on my inhuman skin. And I hated it.

I had come so far- at least, I thought I had. I had felt so _human_ these past two years, in medical school. And I had even felt human outside of school. I hadn't gotten roughed up like this since we had moved here- though admittedly, that was also partially because Emmett hadn't been around. But I had been cleaner in my hunting, too. I hadn't bothered to fight my prey recently. I was in the habit now of just going for the kill immediately, and coming home looking just as pristine as when I had headed out. And I took some pride in this; it wasn't that I felt tussling with my prey was wrong, really. I just hadn't felt the urge to do so lately. I supposed it went along with my new level of control, which I had always managed to keep despite the risks I took, being a med student.

Until today.

Now that I was calm and my throat had cooled, I took another look at what had happened this morning. It was the closest call I had had in years, but that was all it was. A mistake, and thankfully one that had been salvaged at the last second. Drowning myself in guilt wasn't going to help- I needed to learn from this. I needed to be on guard against these bloody situations, and against my own arrogance. Yes, this morning had been a huge mistake. But it didn't have to ruin everything.

Earlier, when I had been running home, I had just been about to accept that fact that I didn't belong in medical school. That I was doomed to kill eventually, that it was only a matter of time. But now that I was myself again, I knew this wasn't necessarily true. Carlisle had taken these same risks, after all, and _he_ had never killed anyone. And I really did want to continue on to my M.D. I just needed to be more careful, was all. Especially when it came to disasters -in-waiting like cardiac surgery. I would continue to work on my control, and I would be more realistic about the monster I was carting around. This whole mess had happened in the first place because I had been pretending that he had grown old and toothless, when that simply wasn't the case. And when I went to Yale this fall…

I closed my eyes again, slamming my head back against the tree trunk. Would Yale still want me after this? It had happened in their hospital, after all. And while I hadn't actually said or done anything to expose my true nature, I had broken one of the most sacred rules of surgery by bursting out that door. The people in the hallway must have been shocked to see a med student escaping the OR, and the story had no doubt come to the attention of Yale's Medical School. And since I had already decided by January to go to Yale, I hadn't even bothered to apply anywhere else. Now, it looked like I might need to do that.

The other complication was Carlisle. I had lied on impulse earlier, just to put off the conversation until I was calm enough to have it. And I regretted that; I hadn't lied to my father in _years_. In fact, I had sworn an oath both to him and to myself, back in 1931, that I would always been honest with him about the issue of my control, in particular.

But Carlisle had done so much for me, especially over the past fourteen years. The blood challenges, the endless hours at work with him, his endless encouragement and shared medical wisdom, the elaborate cover story for Dartmouth. In fact, my attending Dartmouth was the only reason that we had moved here in the first place. And I thought about how pleased he had been with each success, culminating just over a week ago with the White Coat Ceremony. I had _never_ seen him as proud as I had that night, and the next morning with the pin. If there was any way to spare him the knowledge of my failure today, he deserved it. I just hoped that working up at Cottage Hospital, he wouldn't be privy to any gossip that my strange behavior might cause among the medical community this week. I would have to come up with something to explain my switching to another medical school, but that shouldn't be too difficult. I would do whatever was necessary to keep Carlisle from finding out how close his son had just come to breaking the Oath that he had, just days before, sworn under his father's proud watch.

After all he had done for me, it was the least I could do for him.

.

.

.

I was feeling a little more confident as I made my way to clinicals the next morning. I had been a little concerned, yesterday, that someone from Yale might call the house while Carlisle was still home. But the call had never come, and he had gone off to work without thinking about my eyes, or the hand surgery again. I would need to make sure to get the mail myself the rest of the week, just in case. But if I didn't hear from them soon, I would assume that I was still in the clear. Perhaps I wouldn't need to look into other schools after all.

I would need to be careful today in clinicals, though. I hadn't fed as much as I should yesterday, and I would be extra cautious about blood this time. And if it looked like things were getting too risky, I always had the flu excuse. I only had the rest of the week here at Dartmouth. Our certificates were already printed up, waiting in crisp stacks in the Dean's office. I had truly enjoyed my time here, even with this difficult ending.

After class this afternoon, I would run back down to Connecticut to get my car, taking care to avoid being seen. If Yale was willing to overlook my foolishness yesterday, I certainly didn't need to remind them about myself this soon after the fact. I really did need my car, though. It looked a bit odd to be walking through the streets of Hanover, white coat, stethoscope and all- and risky, in terms of weather. Fortunately, the sky was a promising gray this morning. I entered the hospital ten minutes early and headed to the physician's lounge to find Dr. Warren. I knew he would be eager to hear about the hand surgery, and so I had been concocting the story as I ran.

But as soon as I entered the lounge, his thoughts turned not to hands, but to the Dean's office. "There you are, Cullen."

"Good morning, sir," I yawned, laying my books on his desk. He frowned at me in greeting. "Everything all right?"

"You tell me," he replied, eyeing me carefully. "The Dean wanted to see you as soon as you got in today. Any idea why?"

I swallowed, my hopes fading. It looked like Yale hadn't wasted any time getting rid of me. It was odd for them to be doing this through Dartmouth, though; why didn't they just do it in a letter? I might as well pick up a roll of stamps from the campus store; it appeared I was going to be filling out some applications while Carlisle was at work tonight. At least it seemed that Dr. Warren didn't know what had happened; that boded well for the gossip staying down in Connecticut.

"No, sir," I muttered, scooping up my books again.

"Well, hurry it up," he said gruffly. "We've got a full load this morning, and you'll love our ten o'clock."

I headed out the front door again, over to the academic building. I sifted through the sea of minds in front of me, finally catching on the Dean's, but he was reviewing his schedule for a day. The secretary waved me into his office, and I only caught one snatch of relevant thoughts before he started to speak.

 _I hate doing this._ "Close the door, Mr. Cullen."

I complied and sat down gingerly on the edge of my chair, laying my books on the other one. The Dean leaned forward onto his desk, his hands folded and his jolly face twisted into a frown. "Now. Why don't we start by you telling me what _exactly_ you thought you were doing yesterday?"

I let out my breath through my teeth. It wasn't enough for Yale to drop me like a hot potato; they had to get _my_ school involved. "I had my observation down at Yale-New Haven," I began. The Dean immediately pictured me running out of surgery; he already knew everything, then. "I was invited to observe Dr. William Glenn, in one of his pulmonary valve surgeries. I was… I was fine in the beginning. But I've never observed surgery before. I guess the blood got to me, because I got really nauseous all of a sudden."

His frown deepened. "And so you decided to just run out."

I took a deep breath, careful to keep my eyes down in what I hoped was a properly contrite expression. "I realize that disturbing an aseptic environment is… unhealthy for the patient. But I was more afraid of vomiting, and surely that would have been worse. It all happened very quickly, and I felt that leaving immediately was the best thing to do."

"The best thing to do," he repeated, shaking his head. "And then what happened?"

I frowned, looking back up at him. Hadn't they told him that I didn't go back in? "I left, sir. I was still… unwell. Perhaps I should have-"

"And so you didn't stick around long enough to see what your abrupt departure caused, did you?" he scowled.

"Caused, sir?"

He unclasped his hands and leaned back in his chair. "You must have been rather sick, Mr. Cullen, to not have noticed that you knocked over a tray of instruments in your haste."

"I…" I vaguely remembered doing this, and hearing the rattling sound, but I had been in such a murderous fog that I hadn't given it a second thought. "No, sir, I didn't realize-"

"Or that you shoved a man out of your way to reach the door," he interrupted, his eyes growing angry. "A man named William Glenn, to be precise, who at that particular moment when you shoved him, had one hand on a surgical blade, which was laying inside the patient's _heart_!"

The room grew dark suddenly, and my breath died in my throat. Now he was picturing me shoving aside the famous surgeon, causing his hand to slip during surgery. What had I _done?_

"What… what happened?" I stammered.

"The blade punctured the atrial wall," he said coldly. "That injury, combined with the still-open incision in the ventricle, caused a sudden loss of blood volume, which led to ventricular tachycardia. The patient went into cardiac arrest on the table, Cullen!"

"And?" I demanded. _Please, no…_

"He's alive… for now. And you'd better pray he stays that way. Not only did he have to be defibrillated, not _only_ did he lose a massive amount of blood, but your precious 'aseptic environment' was disturbed several more times throughout the surgery. They had to bring in another physician- who didn't even get a chance to wash his _hands_ \- to close the first incision while Glenn scrambled to close the other one. All this while the valve was still unrepaired, which made for poor recovery from the cardiac arrest. And then they had to open the door a time or two to bring in sterile instruments for the completion of the repair, since you had dumped the others onto the floor!"

I slumped back into the chair, finally letting out a rush of breath in vast relief at Mr. Lewis' survival, and in disgust at what my arrogance had caused. "I had no idea, sir, truly I didn't," I choked out. "I don't know what to say."

"I don't know what to say either, kid. You've really dug yourself a nice hole. It goes without saying that Yale has rescinded their offer for you to join them this Fall."

I clenched my jaw, nodding. "I understand."

He sniffed a deep breath of his own, thinking how unpleasant his next task was. "Dartmouth is dismissing you as well."

There was a long silence as I stared numbly at him. What did he just say?

"You're not being expelled," he continued after a moment. "The board is allowing you to withdraw… provided you do so immediately."

"I don't understand," I said slowly. "I've completed the program already. My certificate-"

He held up a hand. "I'm sorry, son. But this incident is just too big. If that man dies, and Dartmouth is seen to not have taken any disciplinary action… well, it's just too big." _I hate this. But we're on the rise again, and we can't afford any bad publicity if the patient dies. We can't be seen to be putting out graduates with any kind of scandal attached._

I finally sat up, my hands dropping to the armrests of the chair in my shock. I hadn't even fathomed _this_ possibility. Was this really happening?

"I know this action may seem harsh," the Dean continued in a gentler voice. "But it isn't the end of the world, Mr. Cullen. You're a bright young man, and perhaps in a couple more years, when you're a bit older, you can give it another go." _Somewhere else. I KNEW this was a bad idea, letting him in. I knew it in my gut. Just because he's a genius doesn't give him the maturity to deal with these kinds of things. I still don't see what possessed him to run out of there like a maniac._

I clenched my jaw harder in silence, my shock quickly turning to shame and anger. I knew all too well what had _possessed_ me; I had certainly been carrying it around long enough. Running out like a maniac was the only good decision I had made yesterday. Of course, I had made it at exactly the _wrong_ moment. The very action that had saved my patient's life was the one that might still take it. The irony was sickening, and my granite stomach twisted in protest. Was this was nausea felt like?

"Sir," I said through my teeth, "is there any chance for reconsideration, at the board level? My grades-"

"-are exemplary. I'm well aware of that. But this incident isn't the only strike against you, Cullen. I've been getting more and more complaints lately about your attendance, and you've always been spotty with your lab participation."

My hands gripped the ends of the handrests, and the wood began to buckle under my fingers. "You know that my hemophilia prevents my participation in some areas."

"This isn't about your condition! It's about you not showing up to class at all. I remember hearing some of your first-year professors say that they actually saw you _leave_ in between your lectures and the accompanying labs! Or that you've been seen just sitting in your car while your classmates go to class! No," he added, holding up his hand against my protest. "Don't bother. None of this would have been an issue if yesterday hadn't happened. But it did, and the board put all that together with the incident yesterday. They're of the opinion that you're simply not ready to enter the medical field, in terms of maturity and judgment. And I must admit, I share their opinion, Mr. Cullen. Regardless of your record, or your attendance, the decision has been made. You and Dartmouth are parting ways, as of right now."

The rest of the meeting was a blur. I signed some sort of withdrawal form and felt the Dean's hand shaking mine as he wished me good luck. As I turned to go, my eye caught on the two stacks of certificates sitting on the Dean's file cabinet. Mine was somewhere in the first stack, and I had been less than a week from receiving it.

I walked numbly outside, not bothering to check the sky. As the rain hit my face, I looked around for my car; but it wasn't here, of course. It was still parked down in Connecticut. I shoved my fisted hands in the pockets of my lab coat and, taking a last look back at the hospital where Dr. Warren was still waiting for me, I walked out into the rain.

.

.

.

I didn't bother running this time; I had nowhere to go. I wandered up into the mountains, to the top of Arethusa Falls. This was the spot I liked to come to sometimes, when I wanted to be alone. The pounding of the water two hundred feet below, punctuated by the thunder, was a soothing noise in my head. I walked up to the top and sat down on the wet rocks, my chin on my knees. I stared down the length of the Falls beneath me, trying to make some sense of what had just happened.

The facts were simple. John Lewis was lying in a hospital bed right now, fighting for his life. The surgery itself had been risky enough; he would have been lying in a hospital bed today regardless of my interference. But instead of just getting his valve repaired, he had been stabbed through the heart in the aftermath of my disruptive presence. They had pulled him back from the brink of death, but just barely. His heart was already weak to begin with, and the cardiac arrest likely caused further permanent damage, to say nothing of the direct injury itself. For all I knew, he was already dead.

Because of me.

The words of the Hippocratic oath were blaring in my ears, rising above the sound of the waterfall. Not the twentieth-century gibberish that I had sworn earlier this month, but the one that Carlisle had first sworn. _Do no harm. Do no harm. Do no harm._

I felt sick as I thought of Carlisle. I would have to tell him the truth, immediately. I needed him to go down to Connecticut and see if there was anything he could do for Mr. Lewis. After the damage I had done to this poor man's life, the least I could do was get him seen by the most experienced physician in the world. I just hoped my patient still _had_ a life. His trusting thoughts echoed in my mind again, taunting me.

_I feel safer with him here, somehow._

I bowed my face against my knees as another thunderclap sounded, and my shame ignited into anger as the lightning flashed around me. Why had I done this? Why had I thrown everything away with one foolish, arrogant decision? I had been succeeding. For once in my life, I had felt that I was doing something useful. I had felt that I had a purpose. I had felt _worthy_. But I had somehow managed to get myself not only kicked out of medical school, mere days away from graduation, but I had also managed to break the Oath, mere days after swearing it. My hands twisted harder into my hair at the thought of confessing these things to Carlisle, along with my lie from yesterday. What was he going to say? What was he going to _think?_

I took my fists out of my hair, staring down at my shaking hands. Were they already stained with Mr. Lewis' blood? Was his face about to join the crowd of my accusers? I hissed as they appeared again, the men I had killed. Their faces stared up at me from the rushing spray of rain and water beneath me, as they chanted their mantra.

_Murderer._

Was this it, then? Was this all that I was? Would even my best intentions only add to the ranks of my victims? Was I capable of being anything but a monster, in the end? An angry growl rumbled in my chest, trying to drown out the sound of the familiar hallucination. There were plenty of things around me that I could smash in the fury of my self-hatred- trees, nearby animals, rocks. One well-aimed kick and I could destroy the waterfall forever- and I would, if I thought it would silence the chorus mocking me now. Instead, I only had the energy to destroy the lies that I wore. I peeled my lab coat off my shoulders and my stethoscope with it. I threw them against the waterfall's downward tide and watched as my dreams quickly drowned themselves.

I wasn't _just_ a monster. I was worse than that. I was less than that.

I was a failure.


	8. Flashpoint

Hours passed, and the rain was relentless. I was grateful, though; it kept me alone. I just sat, a rain-soaked statue atop the waterfall, staring into its depths until I finally found the energy to stand up. When I did, I finally noticed that the gray rainclouds had somehow turned into dusk. Cursing myself for my inattention, I broke into a run. My one hope was that Carlisle might be able to do something for John Lewis, but I may have just spent that hope with my hours of uselessness. I ran faster.

When I reached our house, I listened for Carlisle's mind, but couldn't find it. I frowned up at the sky; had he already left for work? It didn't seem to be that late. And Esme and Emmett were gone, as well. Only Rosalie's mind greeted me as she opened the front door.

"There you are," she said, frowning when she saw my dripping form. She peeked around me, looking out toward the driveway. "Where's your car?"

"Where are they?" I demanded, pushing past her and sniffing the air. "I need to talk to Carlisle."

"Out looking for _you_. And Emmett's in town getting me a new timing gear. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I sighed. "Did they say how long they'd be?"

"Not long," she said absently. "So, Edward, I've been thinking…"

I was already heading back for the door, pointedly ignoring my sister; she obviously wanted something. She always did, when she used this syrupy voice. Whatever it was, I didn't have time for it. I jerked the door back open, frowning when I realized that the rain had drowned out the scent trail of my parents.

"Which way did they go?" I asked.

She just shrugged. "I don't know, I wasn't watching. Anyway, about the Jaguar…"

I leaned against the door frame, staring uselessly at the woods. "What?"

"I was just thinking, you know, you'll hardly ever be using it, once you head down to Yale. And you won't even be using it that much during the summer, right?"

I frowned, turning impatiently to face her. Her thoughts were just as syrupy and useless as her words. "So what?"

"So, let's trade. "

"Trade what?"

"Cars. I drive more than you do, so-"

She kept talking, her childish prattle running together with the fear and anger already stewing inside of me. Why did _she_ have to be the one home, of all people? This was just like her, too; I had already seen our parents' worried faces in her memory, and she was blind if she had bought my knee-jerk "I'm fine" earlier. She was completely incapable of seeing anything but herself, as usual. The flame of my anger flickered higher, and I turned back away from her to stare at the woods again.

"So, how about it?"

"How about what?" I growled, gripping the door frame harder. When was Carlisle going to get back? For all I knew, John Lewis was breathing his last right now. I stretched my gift out into the forest to-

"The Jaguar!" she moaned. "Weren't you listening to anything I said?"

I turned back toward her again, my teeth bared. "Rosalie, for once in your life, would you _shut up_?!"

She jerked backward a step, shocked by my words and my face. My disgust only grew as I saw myself in her vision; I looked _horrible_.

"What's the matter with you?" she demanded, her own eyes darkening. "I just asked you a simple question!"

"What's the matter with me?" I echoed in disbelief, taking my hand away from the door. "What's the matter with me is that you're standing there jabbering while I'm obviously trying to concentrate! Contrary to what you think on a daily basis, Rosalie, the world does _not_ revolve around you! Now leave me alone!"

"Well excuse _me_ ," she hissed back, "I didn't realize that the great Edward Cullen was too busy for conversation today! I'll make an appointment next time!" She spun on her heel and headed for the kitchen. _Jerk! I'll just go work on the stupid Lincoln… again! I can't tell you how many parts I've had to replace. Did you EVER change the oil while I was gone? And I've had to…_

As her mental pouting began, my anger ignited, and in that moment, I hated my sister. I hated her for being so disgustingly selfish. I hated her for being the spoiled, bratty daughter that she was. I hated her for leaving and hurting Esme, just to come back home the minute she needed more spending money. I hated her for finding her perfect mate a measly _two_ years after waking up. I hated her for waking up with an unnaturally mild thirst, one which was _completely_ wasted on someone who had no intention of ever doing anything useful with her life!

"Go on," I sneered. "Go tinker in your garage! Go stare at your reflection in the chrome for two hours for all I care. But whatever you do, keep your selfish mumblings to yourself, and stay out of my sight!"

She was back in my face before I had finished, trembling with her own anger. "You know, I didn't miss this at all!" she shouted. "It's not my fault I can't have any mental peace in my own house! If you don't like what I'm thinking, then stay out of my head!"

"I wish I could!" I shouted back. "I've spent the past week listening to you whining to yourself that you don't have a better car, more shoes, and I'm sick of it! We both know you only came back here because you ran out of money, and freeloading off our parents _still_ isn't enough for you, is it? Not that I'm surprised. Before you came along, I'd never had the displeasure of listening to anyone as childish and self-centered as you! I can't _believe_ Carlisle thought I would actually _want_ you!"

The words exploded in the air between us as soon as they left my mouth, and she stopped trembling; she was frozen solid. "What did you just say to me?" she whispered.

I should have stopped there. I should have remembered that no one had ever told Rosalie the awkward truth about Carlisle's choice. I should have shut my big mouth and gotten as far away from the house as possible. But her quiet shock was only fueling my anger. It was really for myself, but she was right here in front of me; it had to go somewhere before it blew me apart.

"Why do you _think_ he changed you?!" I challenged. "He already had Esme! Did you think it was just because you were _beautiful_!?"

She took one step backward, grinding her teeth. Yes, she had always thought that. Of course she had.

"Well, you're right," I spat. "He was going to leave you there to die on the street, at first. He lets people die all the time, Rosalie! But then it occurred to him that he had finally found a girl _so_ beautiful that I might not need to be alone anymore. That I would find with you what he had found with Esme. And so he brought you home and made you like me. He made you _for_ me! It was the most monumentally _stupid_ thing that he ever did!"

She slapped me so hard that my face crashed right through the wall. The house was filled with a hideous screeching sound as her nails ripped four jagged lines across my face. I jerked myself out of the broken drywall, my vision red and trembling again. For the first time in my life, I was going to hurt a woman, and I couldn't stop myself. I lunged at her, snarling, but I slammed right into the brick wall of Carlisle's arms. Esme was already pulling Rosalie out of the room, toward the kitchen. Both she and Carlisle were shouting for us to calm down, and Rosalie was screaming at Carlisle now, demanding to know if it was really true. I was shouting as well, though I would later have no memory of what I had said. Carlisle dragged me out of the house and into the woods, where I finally sank to my knees in the mud.

"I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_ ," I moaned into my hands. Then I hissed in pain as he knelt and examined the wounds on my face. I was already healing, though, and his attention was divided between my torn skin and the shouting coming from the house. Esme was still holding Rosalie back from following me outside, and finishing what she started. Finally she quieted in her mother's arms, and broke down crying.

Carlisle finally pulled his attention away from the house, looking back at me in disbelief. _Well?!_

I just shook my head, running my fingers through my wet hair to dislodge the bigger chunks of drywall that clung to it. Rosalie was mentally spewing every insult she could think of while she wept in Esme's arms. And I knew that Carlisle had heard the last thirty seconds of what I had said, or more. He had heard me hurt Rosalie in the worst way possible, and then he had heard me insult _him_. This was not how this conversation was supposed to begin. Not at all.

"Edward," he said stiffly. "You will start talking, _now._ And it had better be good." _And you can start by telling me what happened yesterday._

"Yesterday?" I asked in alarm.

He stood up, pulling me with him. ""I think I can tell when my own son is lying to me. I'm not stupid, you know." _Monumentally or otherwise!_ "I waited all day yesterday for you to come to me with the truth, and you chose not to. But your time is up, and you _will_ tell me everything, _immediately_."

I bowed my head in shame, speaking to the ground. "I did come home to tell you, just now," I said lamely. "But Rosalie was-"

"We'll deal with _that_ later," he said sharply. "It's obvious that whatever happened yesterday is the real problem. Now what is it?" I looked back up at him, shaking my head again as I tried to force the words out of my throat. They wouldn't come. "Edward," he sighed. "I'm trying to be patient. Really, I am. Just tell me what happened, and we'll go on from there."

"The hand surgery was cancelled," I finally said, my voice coming out too high. "I thought they were just going to send me home… "

The rest came out in a rush, and Carlisle stood immobile until I had told him everything: Dr. Glenn, the surgery, my ill-timed escape, the danger during the fight with Emmett, my dismissal from Yale and Dartmouth, the awful truth that I had learned from the Dean this morning. "And that's why I need your help," I said in conclusion. "I need you to go down there, and make sure he's all right. Make sure they haven't missed any kind of subtle arrhythmia, or post-operative infection, because the second doctor hadn't washed his hands, and what if-"

"Edward," Carlisle interrupted gently. "Edward." _I'm so sorry. I didn't know._ He finally took me in his arms, and I wept against his shoulder. I wept for my foolishness, for my arrogance, for almost tearing my brother to shreds, for what I had just done to my sister, for lying to and insulting my father, for being weak, for everything. I wept for the crushing disappointment that Carlisle must be feeling right now, even as he dedicated every inch of his mind to comforting me.

A moment later, I felt a third hand on my shoulder, and the warm tone of Esme's thoughts told me that she had been listening, as well. Rosalie's mind was nowhere to be heard. I pulled away from Carlisle only to be captured again by my mother's fierce, gentle hug.

"I'm sorry," I sighed in her ear. "Where is she?"

_She needed some time alone. We'll worry about that later. Did you say you needed Carlisle to do something?_

I stood up fully, extricating myself from her arms. "Yes. Carlisle, can you go right now?"

He frowned. "Go where?"

"To Yale-New Haven. To see John Lewis."

"I'm not his physician, Edward. They're not going to let me examine him."

"I know they won't _let_ you. You can just pose as a visitor, or something."

He let out a long sigh. "All right. Esme, can you call into work for me? Tell them I've caught that flu bug. Edward, you need to go hunt, and then you need to clean up before we go."

" _We_?" I asked incredulously. "You can't possibly think it's a good idea for _me_ to go back there!"

"He's _your_ patient, Edward. I don't know a single thing about his history, or what his valve sounded like before, or even what he looks like. I need you to be there."

" _Was_ my patient," I reminded him coldly. "And he'll probably have another heart attack if he sees me."

Carlisle smiled sadly. "I doubt that, son. The patient is always the last one to hear about it when things go wrong in surgery." _And it's important that you go. You need to see him, to know that he's all right- so that YOU can be all right._

"I'll just see it in your thoughts," I protested. "I don't need to go."

"Edward," he said, his smile fading. "You're going." _Now go hunt._

"Fine," I sighed. "But can't we just leave now? I've wasted enough time as it is, and he might-"

"Look at yourself," Esme scolded. "Do you honestly think they would let you visit him looking like _that_?"

I took another glance at my appearance in the mirror of her mind, and shook my head sheepishly. My hair was plastered to my face, half dried from the rain and covered with drywall dust from when Rosalie had hit me. My left cheek still bore four fading lines, as well. My slacks were filthy from sitting in the mud all day, and my eyes were black again, my face drawn and starved from the draining aftereffects of my shock this morning, and then my rage just now.

"I'll be quick," I promised Carlisle, and dashed out into the forest as Esme headed back toward the house to make the call. Carlisle was left to stand alone, still processing all that I had told him. I was glad, now, to have an excuse to absent myself from his mind. Coward that I was, I had no desire to hear his thoughts in the moment when the reality of my failure hit him. By the time I returned to the house, he would no doubt have his mind back in order, ready to play the forgiving father again. Of _course_ he was being understanding; why had I expected anything less? Once again, I had been so jaded my own ineptitude that I hadn't even given him the-

I needed to stop this. I wasn't important right now- my patient was. I needed to get my mind off of myself, hunt, and get back to the house. I turned sharply to the right, following the first scent I found: one of Emmett's bears. I had caught up to him in five seconds, and he was drunk and buried in less than a minute. I flung one last handful of dirt onto the grave, took a deep breath, and headed for home at top speed, hoping to God that Rosalie wasn't back yet.

.

.

.

I needn't have worried. Rosalie was long gone, and Esme had gone out search for her. Carlisle nodded me into the house, and I showered and changed as quickly as possible, trying to stay out of his head the entire time. I heard his engine start while I was still getting my shoes on.

_Come on, Edward! I want to get there by seven._

I took the shortcut out my window, and we were soon speeding down the highway. "Why seven?" I asked.

"Shift change. It's always the best time for… things you don't want noticed." He smiled a bit, remembering a few of his more inhuman achievements, always done in a rush when his coworker's backs were turned. "And besides, visiting hours won't go much beyond that. Now, tell me everything you know about your patient's history."

I recited everything I knew about John Lewis, including everything I had heard in his mind. The rest of the drive was spent in awkward silence, as Carlisle did his best to think about everything except the obvious. _I_ certainly wasn't going to bring it up.

When we pulled into the parking lot, though, Carlisle turned to me. "Edward," he said grimly, "you need to be prepared for the possibility that your patient may have died. Not everyone survives cardiac surgery, and from what you've told me, Mr. Lewis' chances going in were 50/50, at best."

"And that was _before_ he got stabbed through the heart," I muttered under my breath.

He let out a sigh as we got out of the car. _Look. I agree that you made a mistake, walking into that OR. And I agree you made a mistake staying in there as long as you did. But you made those mistakes with good intentions. And the rest was simply an accident, son. That's all. We've dealt with far worse. So please, don't do this to yourself… not again._

I smiled sadly, nodding in acknowledgement of his effort. He wasn't finished, though. _And speaking of… logistics, I also wanted you to come so that you can make sure there aren't any suspicions arising from your actions yesterday. I doubt there will be a problem, though. It was wise of you not to protest your dismissal- that could have made things more complicated._

"I know," I said softly as we approached the main desk. There was a candy striper just sitting down to replace another, and Carlisle checked his watch. 7:02; perfect.

"Good evening," he told her pleasantly, flashing his most winning smile. "Still taking visitors?"

She looked back and forth between our faces, swallowing. _Anytime._ "Yes, sir. Name?"

"John Lewis. He's recovering from heart surgery yesterday."

She picked up the clipboard listing the inhabitants of the Med-Surg floor, scanning the list. "I'm sorry, sir, it look like he's not here. Are you sure you have the right name?"

Carlisle's response swam over my head. He wasn't there. I had _killed_ him. My grip on the counter tightened, and I closed my eyes.

"Oh, wait!" the candy striper said cheerfully. "Let me check the AS roster."

"AS?" I echoed hopefully. "Is that some kind of recovery room?"

"No, it's a special unit- we just opened it last week. 'Advanced Support'. It's for those patients…" she glanced up pityingly at Carlisle. "It's for those patients who need a little extra care, like our Mr. Lewis. And here he is!" She turned the clipboard around, pointing to his room number.

I let out a sigh of cautious relief; he might be just holding on, but at least he was alive.

"I've never heard of Advanced Support," Carlisle whispered to me on the stairs. "Have they said anything about that at Dartmouth?"

I shook my head. "No, but I'll…" I was about to say, I'll ask one of my professors tomorrow. But I wouldn't be doing that anymore, now would I? Carlisle had just lost his most direct source of new medical information. "I'll find out more," I promised.

"No, it's all right. We'll learn a lot just by being here. I'm curious to see how it differs from a normal unit."

We found Mr. Lewis lying in a complicated-looking bed, surrounded by beeping machines, wires and tubes, and all sort of confusing smells. There was even an electrocardiograph machine, silent now but with a length of paper hanging out of it. Balanced precariously on the edge of the machine was a thick medical chart, and an empty chair sat wedged next to the bed. The "unit" was really just a big room, with three other beds and patients in the other corners, and a couple of nurses flitting about. Our patient's mind was silent. He had an oxygen mask, tubes draining his chest, bowels, and bladder, and a blood transfusion dripping through his I.V. My thirst flickered at the sight of the blood bag, and I turned my face away in disgust. I had never seen blood in a plastic bag before, and it just made it look all the more appetizing. At least his chest was safely out of sight, wrapped in a hefty mound of bandages.

_I don't see anything unusual here. Cardiac surgery is a pretty rough procedure, after all. I would think the healthiest of patients would have all this monitoring afterward. Are you hearing any thoughts, dreams?_

I shook my head, and we stepped closer. Carlisle looked around to ensure that the nurses were occupied, and then he scooped up the chart, flipping through the notes at top speed while I kept watch.

_Everything looks fine. I don't-_

"Put it down," I whispered, seeing a woman approaching. Carlisle calmly laid the chart aside, and turned around with a smile.

"Hello there," he said kindly. I recognized the woman from Mr. Lewis' thoughts back at Dartmouth: this was Janey, his fiancée. From the food odors arising from her clothes, she had just slipped downstairs for a quick meal and was coming back to continue her vigil.

"Hello," she said sleepily. "Are you a friend of John's?"

"Yes, from work," Carlisle lied. "My name is John, as well. And I just brought my brother, Sam, along for the ride," he added, indicating me.

"I'm Janey, his fiancée," she said. She was about to extend her hand to us, but then thought better of it. "It was kind of you to come all this way."

Carlisle motioned her toward the empty chair. "Please, sit down. We won't be a minute. How's he doing?"

Janey sank tiredly into the chair, whisking her mussed hair out of her eyes. Then she picked up Mr. Lewis' limp hand, rubbing it. "The doctors are saying that it's still touch and go," she admitted. "Although the nurses think he will pull through. I guess the surgery ended up being more complicated than John expected. They said he lost a lot of blood, and almost… they said he almost didn't make it." Her voice quivered slightly at the end. _I almost lost him. I might still lose him._

"It happens often," Carlisle said smoothly. "Sometimes, the surgeon gets in and discovers that more work needs to be done than could have been predicted. This can make the surgery longer, and more complicated. And cardiac surgery is a relatively new field, by any count."

Janey's eyes widened. "Are you a doctor? I thought you said-"

Carlisle shook his head. "No, but I have a cousin who had this same procedure done earlier this year. They thought it was just going to be a simple valve repair, but I guess when they got in there, they found some other problems. They were able to fix everything at once, but he lost a lot of blood, like John did. Anyway, he pulled through in the end, and he's doing well now."

"That's wonderful," she replied. "Maybe it will be the same for my John. He was awake for a bit around lunchtime- do you think that's a good sign?"

My shoulders sagged in relief, and I smiled hopefully at Carlisle. "Yes," he said warmly. "I think that's a very good sign. My cousin didn't wake up for three days."

 _He's going to make it!_ "Oh, I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear you say that," she sighed. Then she smiled for the first time, planting a gentle kiss on her fiancée's hand. "When he was awake earlier, he told me that he had an angel watching over him in the surgery."

 _Or a demon_ , I thought grimly, my own smile fading. Mr. Lewis was beginning to wake up now, his mind responding to the sound of Janey's voice, and her touch. He had understood her last sentence, and was indeed picturing me standing above him, smiling and glowing serenely in the fluorescent lights of the OR.

"He's about to wake up," I whispered to Carlisle. "We should go."

Carlisle moved a step closer to Mr. Lewis. "Well, John, feel better soon," he said aloud as he took a deep sniff and a quick glance at the EKG readout. We both nodded politely to Janey, and left.

.

.

.

"I didn't smell any sort of infection," Carlisle reported as he started the engine again. "How did the valve sound to you, compared to before?"

"Better," I replied. "Though not normal."

"I'm sure he'll always have a bit of a murmur there. And I would think the valve will be inflamed for some time, considering the trauma that it went through during the repair. I think he'll be just fine."

"Good," I sighed. "So you don't think the cardiac arrest caused too much damage?"

He hesitated briefly. "I did see some abnormalities on the EKG readout. But it would be impossible to say whether they were caused by the infarction itself, or by the years of strain. His heart has been fighting against that valve his whole life. There was bound to already be some tissue death."

I shook my head. "Dr. Warren said his EKG looked good, back at Dartmouth."

"Did you see the readout yourself?"

"No…"

"Then he was probably just trying to put his patient at ease. I'd be surprised if his EKG was truly normal that day."

I nodded, happy to accept his explanation. "And what did the chart say about… what happened?"

Instead of answering, he just showed me the page as he had seen it. Dr. Glenn's scribbling was hardly legible, but he had obviously glossed over the incident, noting that the closing of the cardiac incision had been complicated by hemorrhage, and that a second physician had been introduced into the procedure to assist. The time and duration of defibrillation were noted, and that was that. The rest of the documentation detailed the repair of the valve itself, placement of chest tubes, closure of the chest cavity, and so on. The second doctor's signature was attached to the end of the surgical note, and the anesthesiologist's note was even briefer.

"That was nice of him."

"Hardly," Carlisle said with a small laugh. "Did you really expect him to put it in writing that he accidentally incised the right atrium?"

"But I was the one who-"

"Edward, you're a medical student, and this wasn't even a residency. You're a non-entity, in terms of documentation. You have no liability."

" _Was_ a medical student," I muttered.

He looked over at me, frowning. "I really am sorry about that, son. I know you were really enjoying medical school. But that's the beauty of being immortal; you can just start again if you like, when we move next. I still have plenty of letterhead from Stockholm."

I let out a bitter laugh, turning away from him to look out the window. "You can't be serious."

Carlisle clenched his jaw, looking over at me again. _I was afraid of this._ He glanced up in the rear view mirror, thinking about pulling over to lecture me about my tendency to be too hard on myself.

"Just drive, please," I sighed. This was starting to really remind me of another car ride, fifteen years ago… one which I had no desire to repeat. Carlisle now recalled the same memory, and nodded his understanding. Instead of pulling over, he checked back over his shoulder, and then along the highway ahead. Seeing few drivers around, and no police, he turned off his headlights and sped up, easily overtaking the few drivers that we encountered. My presence ensured that we wouldn't be spotted; I would, as usual, have plenty of warning if we were about to pass a patrol car. I suspected that he was doing this just to give me something to occupy my mind with. I wouldn't complain, though; he meant well. I sat up straighter in my seat, dutifully stretching my gift out in front of us for the remainder of the ride.

"You need to keep this in perspective," he began. "Like I said before, it was an accident. You went into that surgery thinking that a cardioscope would be used. You had no way of knowing that there was going to be an incision into the heart itself."

"It wasn't just that," I admitted quietly. "I could have hunted the night before, like you wanted me to. I could have gotten out of the surgery altogether. And my thirst was going strong before I even saw the heart. And then, just _seeing_ it…" I shuddered, remembering how the sight had awakened the monster within. "I mean, have you ever _looked_ at a beating human heart, Carlisle?"

"Yes," he said reverently. "But rarely. You know I'm too young to ever go into any kind of specialty, or even practice as a general surgeon. But I have, on occasion, had to access the heart directly, in emergency care." _It's a wondrous sight, isn't it? A muscle no bigger than a man's fist, and yet it is engineered to keep the body alive for a good eighty years, without maintenance of any kind. No invention of man will ever come close to the perfection of that design. It's one of the greatest mysteries of Creation, in my opinion._

I just shook my head slightly, unsure whether I was more disgusted with his saintly innocence, or with my complete inability to achieve it. I had shared his awe, for a second or two during the surgery; but that awe had quickly taken an ominous turn.

"Of course," Carlisle continued. "It wasn't always like that for me. I struggled in the beginning, as well." His memory drifted back to a French countryside. He was under the tutelage of a country doctor, and they were in a dark, damp cottage, tending to a small girl's lacerated arm. It was the first time Carlisle had been allowed to stitch up a patient, and I felt the burn in his memory as he sewed. At one point, he had to turn his face away, to get a breath of cleaner air. He showed me other memories like this, in which his thirst had plagued him. But in each one, the burn he relayed to me was pitifully small compared to what I struggled with during the surgery, _before_ I had seen the heart. And he had certainly never been obliged to run out of any rooms, or even come near it. Was this supposed to make me feel better?!

"I appreciate the sentiment," I said stiffly. "But your thirst in those memories was an annoyance, a bother. You obviously have no _concept_ of the kind of thirst I'm talking about."

His hand tightened on the steering wheel. _That's only because I have never carried the same burden that you do._

"I'm well aware of that," I snapped. "Thirst takes on a whole new meaning when you've acted on it before. If _you_ had murdered nearly a thousand-"

"That wasn't what I was referring to, and you know it! I was referring to your telepathy. When you were in that OR, you were getting, what, five views of the heart and the blood at once? Six?"

"Five."

"Exactly. My point is, I can't understand what it's like to be bombarded like that, even if it's only from human viewpoints, human senses of smell. But I won't be accused of not _understanding_ about thirst, Edward. I have dealt with a level of thirst that _you_ can't comprehend."

I saw a new memory now, one he had always been careful never to show me: himself, in the year 1663. He had been a newborn for three months, and had never fed. He was kneeling on the bank of a stagnant creek, his black eyes staring back up at him in fear and disgust. His ragged shirt was soaked with the venom that was his constant companion. His whole body was trembling, and his hands were dug deep into the ground in an attempt to keep himself still, and not run toward the village twenty miles away, where he knew a feast was waiting for him. His thoughts were torn between the bloody fantasies he was trying to ignore, and his anger at the water in front of him. He was angry that it was reflecting his monstrous form, and he was angry that he was unable to quench his thirst with it. And then Carlisle let himself remember, just for a split second, what his thirst had felt like that day. I saw it coming, and tensed myself against it; but it was clear that his whole body had felt like it was on fire. Carlisle shuddered and ended the memory abruptly.

"Even then," he said quietly, "you're not seeing the whole picture. I can't relay to you the desperation I felt at the time, the fear that I would soon give in. And my horror at the… the excitement I felt, knowing I would soon feed, once I completely lost control. So for heaven's sake, let's have no more talk of me not _understanding_."

"Point taken," I admitted. He was right; I had never felt the thirst that badly before. I was humbled anew by the iron will with which he had begun this life.

Carlisle released his grip on the wheel, chiding himself. _This isn't about me._ "My point is, son, that you're not alone. And this mistake- this accident- is very minor compared to the things that we've dealt with before. I just want you to keep that in mind. This is not something that you need to torture yourself over- it's the sort of thing that you need to learn from, and to move on from."

"I've learned plenty," I countered. "I've learned that going to medical school is a bad idea."

"I'm not so sure about that. You've been able to maintain your control during your clinicals- which was no easy task. The temptation you faced yesterday was extreme, and I think you could, with some care, avoid that sort of situation in the future. But you've had this goal for ten, maybe fifteen years now. If this is something you truly enjoy, I don't think you should give up so easily. You literally have all the time in the world to explore your interests, and there's nothing wrong with starting over. You would have had to do that anyway, in a few years. I do it all the time." _I know how much you've enjoyed medical school, and you know how much I've enjoyed watching you grow in this new way. I don't want to see you deny yourself a choice that brings you happiness, just because you feel like you don't deserve it. You do deserve it._

I opened my mouth in protest, but he held up his hand. "No. Stop right there. This setback has _nothing_ to do with that part of your life." _It's been almost twenty years, Edward. Please, leave the past to the past._

I clenched my teeth shut, resisting the urge to argue the point. This had _everything_ to do with those dark years. When I had seen Mr. Lewis' heart exposed, and the blood it was offering me, everything had come back in full force. Even now, here in the car at night, I could practically taste the human blood on my tongue, just as clearly as the last time I had drunk it back in 1931. My memory of those years, of that _taste_ , would never fade. Never. And I had demonstrated all too clearly yesterday that the monster I had unleashed during those years would never be as subdued as I had hoped. But I didn't want to get into all this again with Carlisle tonight; I just didn't have it in me.

"You're right," I said quietly, pleased with how calm I sounded. I forced myself to relax back in my seat, and to stare forward instead of out my window; these were the sort of things he was hoping to see, signs that I was all right. That I wasn't going to go off on one of my "guilt trips", as he liked to call them, when he thought I wasn't listening. Sure enough, he relaxed a moment after I did.

_You're really all right? I mean, I know this is still a disappointment, a blow to your… pride._

"I'll get over it," I said, even throwing him a smirk for good measure. "Like you said, I have forever to try again." He smiled back uncertainly, but nodded. I felt a little guilty; this was a bit like lying again. But the alternative was just too much.

"Good. Now, about Rosalie…"

We both tensed again as he spoke her name. Now that my worry about Mr. Lewis was fading, I was hit in the face with the terrible sin I had committed against my sister. I had hurt her in the one way I knew would break her heart. And worse; I had done it in a way that got Carlisle involved. I couldn't predict which of us Rosalie was going to be angrier at, when we got home.

Carlisle was thinking along the same lines. "Edward, I'm going to need your help when we get there. I'm going to stop just off the highway, and I want you to let me know what her thoughts are like."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, unsure of what to say. Rosalie hated it when I shared her thoughts with anyone, even when we _weren't_ at each other's throats. And I had always tried to not answer questions like these. Carlisle had finally, somewhere during our travelling in the forties, stopped asking me to give him "tips" regarding Esme's thoughts. He hadn't asked me to do this in years.

"You'd better talk to her yourself," I said: my pat answer I had always used to avoid these "reconnaissance" moments.

"I will," he answered tightly. "But you're going to help me. I know you don't like betraying the thoughts of others, but this is different. No matter how upset you were today, what you did to her was inexcusable. And the fact that I have to go home and confess that everything you said was _true…_ " He gripped the steering wheel again, and this time the metal began to give way under his hand. _You know I never intended to keep the truth from her this long. But whenever I thought it might be the right time to come clean, it always seemed so cruel to say the words…_

"And now I've forced you into it," I finished dismally. "Carlisle, I can't tell you how sorry I am for that. I don't know what came over me. And I certainly didn't mean what I said about… you know, your choice. About you."

"Yes, you did. And in a way, you were right about that, as well. Changing Rosalie, for the reason that I did, probably _was_ the most foolish decision I've ever made. That doesn't mean that good things haven't come from that decision; I'm happy to have Rosalie in our lives, and Emmett as well."

"As am I," I said quickly. "And you're right, I got you into this mess. The least I can do is help you out of it. I'll go in there first, when we get home, and talk to her-"

"No. All I want is for you to tell me what you're hearing, when we approach the house. For better or for worse, I'm the one who needs to explain myself to Rosalie. Bringing you back into it is just going to upset her more." _In fact, I think it might be best if you move away from the house while I speak with her. I think she would appreciate the mental space._

"And my absence," I sighed. "You're right. I'll do it. Slow down, policeman."

Carlisle turned his lights back on and slammed the brakes, quickly dropping his speed to a legal level. We rolled by the patrol car at what felt like a snail's pace, and sped up again when the coast was clear. Still, it was nothing like the Jaguar…

"Carlisle… I realize that what I did to her was awful. Do you think I should give her the car?" He just looked at me in confusion, and I explained the earlier part of the conversation with Rosalie, which he hadn't overheard.

"I think that's between you two," he said , when I had finished. "Yes, what you did to her was wrong. But she acted in anger as well, and hitting you during an argument was wrong, as well. I'm not going to punish either of you, just because you got into a fight. I've got enough to deal with as it is, without worrying about who drives what car."

"The car!" I moaned, closing my eyes in exasperation.

"What?"

"It's still parked back at Yale! I could have brought my keys tonight and driven it back."

He smiled tiredly. "Well, it'll give you the chance to check on your patient one more time. Besides, I'm glad we had the chance to talk."

Carlisle drove even faster after that, and he was off in his own world as he prepared what he was going to say to Rosalie. With half of my attention on the minds ahead of me, I continued to mull over all that had happened in the past two days… all that I had done. It was quite a list.

But I was also turning over Carlisle's memories in my mind- the ones he had shown me tonight about him "struggling" with his thirst back in his early days of practicing medicine. He had purposely picked the memories in which his thirst had been the strongest. He had thought he was commiserating with me, when in fact the memories had only served to demonstrate the difference between us.

And then there was the other memory, from his newborn year: the suffering he had endured during the months he had starved himself. It was a story that he had only hinted at, back when I was new; he had already been aware of the pain that his own thirst brought me, and so he had always been careful not to even _think_ about those first months when he was around me. And we hadn't discussed it since; it was hardly a happy story. But now he had finally given me a glimpse of just how horrible those months had been for him. It truly was miraculous, what he had done as a newborn. He had never taken me back this far in his memories, never shown me that, yes, there had been a time when all _he_ could think about was blood, blood, blood. That was comforting, in a way; it made him seem more like me. But it was also humbling, because I knew that there was no way on earth I would ever have been able to accomplish such a feat. And finally, it made me feel grateful that Carlisle had been there from the start, ready to help me and teach me when I woke up. He had saved me from ever having to attempt that impossible feat. Carlisle himself hadn't been so lucky. If he hadn't found that herd of deer when he did, all our lives would have been quite different.

.

.

.

My gift was hardly needed, in the end; the tension was almost palpable as we drove up, pausing when the house was just in view. Carlisle's instincts were buzzing, and he was almost afraid to ask what I was hearing.

_Well? What am I walking into?_

"Rosalie and Emmett are in their room." I cocked my head, listening for a moment. "He's angry, too, but mostly at me, for today."

"And Rosalie herself?"

I let out all my breath in a rush. "Let's just say that I'd better get out here. I don't think she's ever been this furious before."

"With you, or me?"

"Me. She's so angry, she's not moving. She's not even breathing. She seems… undecided about whether or not she's angry with you. I think she's waiting to hear your side of the story. And Esme…" I didn't have the heart to tell him that Esme was on the front porch, weeping with her face on her knees. Her thoughts were barely coherent, but it was obvious how guilty she felt for not telling Rosalie the truth sooner. She was worrying about me, and how I might respond if my patient had died. She was worrying what was going to happen when we came in the door. And she kept picturing how happy we had all been to be reunited, two short weeks ago.

A lifetime ago.

_What about Esme?!_

"She's out on the front porch, giving them some space." At least as a vampire, Esme had the ability to compose herself instantly, with no outward sign of her grief; I knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't want to add to Carlisle's burden just now. "So what are you going to tell Rosalie?"

"The truth. And also your situation, if Esme hasn't already done so. It might help Rosalie understand your outburst yesterday… if that's all right with you."

I nodded my permission, and got out of the car. I started running immediately, wanting to give Rosalie the mental space that Carlisle would be promising her. But I couldn't help but listen as I ran. As soon as Rosalie heard Carlisle pull up to the house, she darted outside, demanding again to know if the vile lies I had invented had any truth to them. Esme had tried to console her earlier, and explain things, but Rosalie hadn't wanted to listen- she insisted on waiting to hear Carlisle's explanation.

As Carlisle explained the truth, in his gentle, humble way, Rosalie's mind exploded with anger and hurt. It seemed that up until this moment, she had truly forgiven him for changing her. And it seemed that up until this moment, she truly hadn't believed the "vile lies" that I had fed her earlier. But now, as he confirmed my story, I saw all the old bitterness rushing back in with a vengeance. Emmett was growing angrier, as well, though it was more on Rosalie's behalf than his own. Everyone was talking at once now, a garbled mix of Carlisle's explanations, Rosalie's shouting and crying, Emmett's righteous fury, and Esme's desperate attempt to get everyone to calm down.

I was two miles out now, and I could have easily kept going. I could have easily blocked out the sickness that I heard brewing my family's minds. But I couldn't. I couldn't run another step, and I just leaned my back against a tree, sinking down to the ground and listening.

It wasn't enough that I endanger a man's life, or give him a heart attack. It wasn't enough that I let myself come seconds away from exposing my nature in a public place. I had to hurt my family, as well. I felt most ashamed for Esme's sake; she had been so deliriously happy to have everyone back under one roof, and Rosalie and I had been getting along well, for once. But I had managed to ruin that, as well. And when I went back to the house, it was all just going to explode again, when Rosalie and Emmett saw me.

Emmett was the one who was shouting now. Rosalie was weeping in his arms, and he was demanding to know if I had _asked_ Carlisle to go find me a mate back in 1933. Carlisle was quick to deny that one, and to insist that he was the one who deserved all the blame. Esme's mind was whirling with panic, wondering where I was, and worrying that Rosalie might want to leave again.

I couldn't stand to hear any more after that. I dragged myself to my feet and withdrew further into the woods, Esme's last fearful thought echoing in my mind. If anybody needed to leave, it should be me. I was the one who had torn my family's peace to shreds, after all. I was the one who couldn't contain his monster, who had allowed him to nearly kill my patient. I was the one who allowed him to destroy my composure to the point where _I_ had become a monster, hurting my sister in the best way I knew how. Carlisle had been right to have me stay away during the confrontation tonight- my presence would have made it much worse. Maybe the best gift I could give everyone right now was my continued absence.

I hated the thought of leaving. I loved my family deeply, and I had no desire to live alone. But maybe if I left, Rosalie would use her absent brother as a scapegoat, and forgive Carlisle more easily. And I could leave her the Jaguar… that would help, as well. And if I _was_ on my own for a while…

A new possibility occurred to me. I had just been blaming the monster within me for my failings, but the truth was that he… that _I_ had just been following my instincts. The truth was, I had simply underestimated his power over me. I had thought that by scientifically detaching myself, and by beating down my thirst with those damned blood challenges, that I had achieved total control over him, when I clearly hadn't. Until today, I hadn't seen any other way to manage him.

But now a new idea was forming in my mind- an idea that Carlisle himself had given me, in those memories he had shown me tonight. It was clear that by the time Carlisle had begun his own medical training, he had far greater control than I did now, though he was of a similar age. I had always assumed that he had just woken up that way, that his natural compassion simply never allowed him to be tempted like the rest of us. But he had shown me tonight that that wasn't the case. When he had starved himself as a newborn, he had suffered greatly, and it seemed now that perhaps that experience was what had given him his iron-fisted dominance over his monster. He had starved his thirst into submission, from the very start.

Granted, I never could have done it as a newborn, like he had; there was still some intangible, spiritual difference between Carlisle and I. But I wasn't a newborn anymore- I could do it now, I was sure of it. I would take myself as far from human civilization as possible, and I would stop feeding for four months, maybe six. The idea of suffering gave me some peace, like it meant that I could hate myself a little less for all that I had done. But more importantly, my hope was that I could finally achieve what I had been working for all these years: some _real_ self-control. Not this shaky, slippery grip on the monster that I had been depending on. I knew now what had come of _that._ And if it worked, I could return to my family a new man. A man who was ready to try again, like Carlisle had said. And this time, things would be different.

I would be different.

I looked back toward the direction of our house, knowing all too well what Carlisle would think of my plan. He would never allow it, of course- he would never condone the "torture" that I would be inflicting on myself. But I was only following his example, after all. He would never need to find out _how_ I had achieved my new control, when I returned. But he would be proud. I _needed_ him to be proud.

I decided to spend the night out in the forest, thinking. I needed to refine my plan, before returning to the house and the storm that was waiting for me there.

I settled up in a tree, feeling an odd sense of peace and rightness as I began formulating what I would say to explain my departure. I would go soon- I would go tomorrow. The nearness of my separation brought me pain, but also relieved my guilt. True, I had made a mess of things this week. But like Carlisle had said, I was learning from it, I was moving on. I was forming a plan that would allow me to finally beat the monster into submission, to crush him under my heel once and for all. The process would be painful, but I deserved no less. The monster within me deserved no less. I was finally doing what needed to be done.

I was doing the right thing.

* * *

**Aaagh, the angst! That probably should have been two chapters, but I wanted to keep my promise: the next one covers the arrival of Alice and Jasper! I will be posting the second Arrival outtake and chapter 9 simultaneously. Alice's new visions were set off by the hand patient deciding to reschedule her surgery, and one thing inevitably led to another. It's a little iffy that she would have seen Edward's decision to leave the day before he made it, but I'll just chalk it up to one of those "character destiny" things. Like how she saw the Volturi coming in BD even before Irina reached Italy. We will eventually find out exactly what it was she saw, but that comes later in the story. I could have had her and Jasper living closer and getting there in less than a day, but I know we've all enjoyed the "racing against time" bit.**

**Thanks again for all the lovely reviews! Poll: who wants to hug poor Edward, and who wants to just smack him? I'm torn, myself...**


	9. Arrival

**The chapter we've all been waiting for! You've all been very patient. And this story is just getting started!**

**Note: I also just posted the "Arrival 2 of 2" Outtake, which covers the arrival from Jasper's POV. If you like doing things chronologically, I would read Jasper's version first, since it covers their arrival before Edward and Emmett get back home.**

* * *

I got back to the house just as dawn was breaking. I found Esme waiting for me just inside our edge of the woods, sitting patiently on a fallen tree. As soon as she caught my scent, she called softly back toward the house.

"He's here."

I listened toward the house, curious to see what she meant. I only found Rosalie's and Emmett's minds present. Rosalie addressed me immediately, her mental voice surprisingly… civil. _We're going out for a while._ _Just stay in the woods until I'm gone, all right?_

Emmett was sending me a similar message, though with a rougher tone. _Wait a few minutes before you come in._ _Rosalie's trying really hard to stay calm, and I'm taking her out for a while._ _But when I get back, you and I need to talk._ That was all I got before he switched over to reciting baseball statistics, along with his viewpoint of Rosalie hurrying to get her shoes and purse ready, and flying out the door. Their thoughts, and the sound of the Lincoln's engine, soon faded away as they drove off.

I turned back to Esme. "What was that about? And where's Carlisle?"

"We explained your situation to Rosalie and Emmett last night. And they do understand, a bit better now, why you were having trouble yesterday. But they're still quite upset, and so they… agreed… that for today, at least, it would be best if you all had some time apart." _Well, they didn't exactly agree._ _I told them that was how it was going to be._

She gave me just a few brief glimpses of how the night had gone. She had already tried, while Carlisle and I had been down in Connecticut, to calm Rosalie down, and explain everything- both about her transformation, and about the Yale incident. But Rosalie had refused to listen to any of it, demanding to wait to speak to Carlisle. But once Carlisle was under fire following his confession, Esme had taken charge. She had finally gotten Rosalie alone upstairs, and told her that yes, she understood why she was hurting, and yes, I had been wrong to provoke her. But she had also told her that attacking me physically during an argument had been inexcusable, and that as angry as I was at the time, I really could have hurt her. That was when Rosalie had shut up her crying, and finally listened long enough for Esme to explain _why_ I had been so upset yesterday. She had responded with a very unladylike phrase, but Esme had grown angry herself then, telling Rosalie that we had enough problems this week without her using language like that. She somehow managed to extract Rosalie's promise that no matter her feelings, she and Emmett would return the favor of my absence whenever I returned home.

"It's nothing permanent," she told me quickly. "Just for today. They're going to go hunting together, and they both had some paperwork to do at Dartmouth, and…" she trailed off, looking back up at me with pity. "Oh Edward, I'm so sorry all this has happened. But I'm so glad Mr. Lewis is going to be all right, at least. You don't know how worried I was for you, when, when-"

"Esme, shhh…" I took her in my arms, pulling her close as she tried not to weep, and not to think about what Rosalie and Emmett might be planning in the privacy of their car. I just held her tighter, comforting her in her fumbled attempt to comfort me. "I'm all right, really. Where's Carlisle?"

She smiled sadly, looking down at her hands, which were trembling in her lap. She still had on the same dress as yesterday, and her hair was still a mess from when she had dragged Rosalie away from me. "He's out hunting. It was a difficult night."

She didn't want me to see, but I did. I saw how ashamed Carlisle had looked last night, when she and Rosalie had gone back downstairs. Emmett was towering over our father, his ever-present grin replaced with a scowl. That was when Esme explained the Yale incident to _him_ , and repeated her request that he keep Rosalie out for the next day, as I had given them that same consideration during the night. Emmett had grown even angrier after that, demanding to know why Rosalie should have to leave when I was the one who had picked a fight with _her._ I couldn't see what sort of look Esme had given him. But whatever it was, it had sure worked. It seemed like he had shrunk a couple of inches, and mumbled his agreement to the floor.

Most of the rest of the evening had been passed in quiet conversation as Carlisle repeated his apology to Rosalie again and again. But she was more than happy to transfer her anger at me onto him, and things had gotten bad again around three in the morning. Esme officially declared the conversation over then, and she and Carlisle had gone outside, giving Rosalie and Emmett the house. Carlisle had, at Esme's insistence, gone hunting soon after that, while she waited for me.

I worked very hard to control my anger as I watched. I understood that Rosalie must be hurting right now. And I deserved any anger that she felt toward me for my horrible words yesterday, and for the fact that I really _would_ have hurt her, had our parents not gotten there in time. I even understood why she was angry at Carlisle, for his choice. But _really_ , it was almost twenty years ago! And how did she think Emmett felt, standing there and doing his best to be supportive, as she made abundantly clear to everyone listening that she wished Carlisle had never changed her, for _any_ reason? If I had been standing there, listening to my wife spout that venom, and hating her life, I know how _I_ would have felt. I would have felt completely worthless, and that our marriage clearly wasn't enough to compensate for the lot that she had been given. But that was just Rosalie, as always: it was all about her. It was a good thing she was gone, because now I wanted to slap _her._ Couldn't she at least _pretend_ , for Emmett's sake, that his love was enough? No wonder he had taken it all out on Carlisle.

"I suppose my room's been trashed," I said, hoping to lighten the mood. Esme just shook her head.

"No. She's not… that kind of angry." She didn't seem to have the energy to explain what that meant, or even think about it anymore. She just leaned into my shoulder, staring down at the rumpled skirt of her dress as she played with the fabric. Our feet were dangling off the ground, and I remembered, with a smile, that Esme had once been my sister. Not at home- she had instantly fallen into the role of mothering me, when we were in private. And as her romance with Carlisle had quickly blossomed, that role became even more natural. But our cover story, back in the beginning when she had first begun appearing in public, had been that she was my older sister. Our parents had died two years before that, and she and her wealthy new husband had taken me in. We had first come up with the idea because of our similar hair color, and it had been an easy way to explain the closeness in age, to Carlisle especially.

But our cover story had evolved over the years, and I hadn't played her brother in quite some time. And really, Esme and I hadn't had much in the way of time alone, lately. She was thinking right now that although the reason was an unfortunate one, she was looking forward to spending more time with me in the coming weeks. My smile faded as I realized that I would be taking this away from her, as well. But it was for the best. Her memories of the wretched night they had all passed, and the fact that her children couldn't even be under the same roof right now, only confirmed that I had made the right decision. When Rosalie and Emmett came home tonight, I would already be gone.

"It'll be all right," I promised her. I pulled her even harder against me, turning my face into her hair and inhaling her warm, sweet scent. My favorite scent in the world… I would miss this.

"I know," she said in a faraway voice. "We'll come through it. We always do." But there it was again, her worry about Rosalie and Emmett leaving us. She had been counting on Emmett to calm Rosalie down, but it hadn't turned out that way. "I'm sorry, I keep going on," she said tiredly. "What did you do all night?"

I looked down at my own hands, taking a deep breath. "Not much. I just wanted to give them some space, like you said. And, well, I did some thinking, about what might be next for me…"

Esme turned inside my embrace, smiling hopefully up at me and letting her worries rest for a moment. "Oh? What did you come up with?" _I'm so glad you're moving on from this._ _You don't know how worried I was about you last night._

I frowned back at her, unsure whether now was the right time. I had spent most of the night coming up with how I was going to tell my parents that I was leaving. And having Rosalie and Emmett out of the picture was perfect, really. But I couldn't tell Esme like this, not right now. For one thing, she was exhausted. It wasn't like her to take charge like she had done last night, and it had worn her down emotionally. And for me to add this burden, without Carlisle here to help her, was too much. And besides, then I would have to explain myself twice.

It wasn't going to be like last time. I knew that my leaving tonight would hurt my parents, or worry them at least. But I would make it clear that this was _not_ history repeating itself. I would explain that I just needed some time to cool down as well, and time to sort things out for myself. I would tell them that I was only planning to be away for a few months, perhaps a year. I would leave calmly, assuring them of my return. I would pack a suitcase this time, and take the Lincoln. I would hunt again today, leaving them with the reassuring memory of my golden eyes. I would even ask for a few samples of the blank letterhead that Carlisle always kept around, so that it would look like I was planning on creating an identity. I would leave no doubt in their minds, visually, that this was nothing like 1927. I would give them some sort of rough itinerary, specific enough that they would see that I had thought my decision through, but be vague enough that it would be clear that I didn't want to be followed.

Because in reality, I would be heading straight up into Northern Canada, into as empty a habitat as I could find. I would need plenty of space, from humans especially, but animals as well. The sense of peace I had felt last night, upon making my decision, had only grown as I made my plans. This was the right thing to do, for myself as well as for my family; and now that I saw how miserable my outburst had made everyone, I was fully determined to leave tonight. I really didn't know how long I would be able to make it without feeding, though. The longest I had ever gone was three and a half weeks. And so the process might take longer, if I had to start over a few times. And there was the possibility that the North Pole wouldn't be empty enough, and I would have to head to Antarctica. But that was all right; that was why I would be giving my parents only a vague guess as to when they could hope for my return.

"Oh, nothing too specific," I said uneasily. "I'd love to talk more with you later, Esme. But you don't look well. Aren't you going to hunt?"

"I'll get out later today," she promised. _I just want to see how Carlisle is, when I get back._ _Maybe the three of us could go out together later?_ _Or maybe just you and me, like old times._

"Yes, I think that would be nice," I said, planting a gentle kiss on her cheek. Dear, dear Esme… I hated that I would have to hurt her later today. But this would be the last time, ever. When I came back, I would be a new man. One that she could depend on… one who wouldn't destroy everything he touched. I jumped off the tree trunk and pulled her inside the house, seating her on the couch in the living room. I spent the rest of the morning playing her favorite piano pieces, and even singing for her. The singing was especially rare, and by the time it was ten thirty, her thoughts were tranquil and hopeful again.

Carlisle returned home then, and after a nod and some mental reassurance to me, he joined Esme on the couch, and listened to my music as well. But I hadn't gotten through two more songs when I heard Emmett's thoughts growing in my mind.

_I'm not supposed to come back yet, but I had nowhere else to go._ _She wants some "alone time"._ _Can you meet me out back?_ _Tell them I promise not to hurt you… much._

I abruptly stopped playing, and stood, frowning. I should have spoken to Carlisle and Esme when I had the chance. "Emmett's back, but Rosalie's still out," I informed them. "He wants to talk to me. No, Esme, it's all right. He's calmed down."

They nodded, trying to hide their relief at having some time alone. Maybe it was better this way, actually. They always needed this respite together after a family blowout, and this way I could tell Emmett first. It would be the practice run, and he could tell Rosalie…

Rosalie! I still hadn't gotten the Jaguar back home. I would need to do that, before leaving. Maybe Emmett could come with me, right now. Depending on what mood he was in, I liked the idea of spending some time alone with my brother before leaving. I ran into the woods, finding him easily. His eyes were still dark, and he seemed sullen, though not angry anymore. He was worrying about Rosalie, who had insisted on being let off right in the middle of town.

"Thought you were going hunting," I said cautiously.

"Never got around to it. Uh… you wanna go together? Coolidge?"

"Absolutely." I could think of nothing I'd rather do right now- and I could go again with Esme later, if she still wanted to. Now that I knew this was my last day with my family, for now, I was feeling sentimental. After we hunted, I would offer another wrestling match, or some sort of game. Anything to cheer Emmett up- he was the real loser in this fight, though I doubted he would want to talk about it with me. And besides, he had always been there to put a smile on my face when I needed it. Or more accurately, he had always been there to punch a smile onto my face.

We ran in silence for a while, heading Northwest into deepest part of the Park. Emmett soon caught the scent of a pair of black bears and sighed in relief. "You go ahead," I insisted. "I'll get something else. Back here when we're done?"

He nodded, eagerly shooting forward to attack. I continued on for a while, settling for a tasteless deer. Was this my last meal, before I put my plan into action? Part of me hoped not, but I reminded myself that the whole point was to deny myself every part of the pleasure of feeding. It was fitting that I stop this way. Still, if Esme and I came back out later, I'd get something else, just to please her. I fed standing up, refusing to descend into the frenzy. It was pretty easy; it was just deer, after all. I dropped the deer unceremoniously, digging a shallow grave with one hand and smiling ruefully. At least my fingernails would stay clean while I was away.

I returned to find Emmett strangely quiet, both in conversation and in mind. It seemed he felt guilty towards me, though I couldn't imagine why. _I_ wasn't the one he had spent half the night yelling at. I approached him at a walk, my hands shoved in my pockets. I leaned back against a tree and waited for him to look up at me.

"So, Carlisle told you everything, then?" I asked quietly.

"Yup." _Interesting story._

"He meant well."

"I know…" _I know._ _I'll apologize to him later._ _I had to defend her, you know?_ _What hurts her hurts me._

I nodded, trying not to acknowledge the misery that his mind was going through. It was just as I had thought, last night: he kept replaying the moment when she had screamed at Carlisle that she hated this life. For once, I was glad I wasn't an empath. I hated to think how it _felt_ to hear your own wife say that, right in front of you. At least I knew how to cheer him up.

"Hey, Emmett. Wanna fight?"

He looked up with half a smile. "Don't much feel like it today." _Thanks, though. That was a good one the other day, wasn't it?_

I took a deep breath. "Yes… though I almost hurt you. I'm sorry about that."

He finally grinned. "Almost hurt _me_? In case you've forgotten, little brother, _you're_ the one who got his face beat into the dirt."

"Ah, yes. It's all coming back now." We laughed together at the memory. It wouldn't serve any purpose to tell him how close I had come to biting. And it would only hurt his pride to know that I had been holding back in any way.

I slid my back down the tree, sitting with my wrists balanced on my knees. I picked up a stick, and began peeling it, revealing the white layer underneath. I smiled as the memory of our reading lessons came back to me. Emmett had come so far since then; he would never devour books like I did, but his literacy had opened up a whole new world to him. And here he was, getting ready to attend college for the first time. It was his turn to make our parents proud for a while. "Emmett, I need to talk to you about something."

"All right, but me first."

"About Rosalie?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that I'm not mad. I mean, I understand that it wasn't your fault." _I guess I'm grateful, in a way._ _That you gave Carlisle a reason to change her._ _I know she's not happy that he did, but I am._

"I didn't ask Carlisle to change anyone, Emmett. You know I would never do that."

"I know. I would have, though, if I knew her. As a human, I mean." _I just wish I could say the same for her._

"Em…" I sighed, trying not to get angry again. It really _was_ good that I was leaving, seeing as how I still got angry every time I thought about Rosalie. "You know she didn't mean it, when she said she hated her life."

He snorted, sitting down and mirroring my posture. He even picked up a stick and started peeling it, as well. I conjured up a humorous image of us at our real human ages: forty-nine and thirty-five. No, that was too young. Seventy-five and sixty-one, and we were sitting on the porch of a general store, smoking our pipes and whittling wood as we talked about the good old days. I supposed that I would be the big brother, in that one.

_She meant it, all right._ _You should have seen her._

"I did see her… Esme showed me. She was just angry, Emmett. And really hurt, to find that out. Especially the way that she did."

He glared up at me. "I _am_ mad at you for that part." _Maybe I WILL beat you to a broken pulp, after all._

I just smirked back at him; he wasn't really angry anymore. Though if he did want to take a swing at me later, I would oblige him. "Emmett, believe me, she's happier than she lets on. You have no idea how _different_ she was, before you came along."

That got his attention, though he chided himself for smiling about it. "Really? You two fought even worse back then?"

"Well… yesterday was the worse, I'd say. But she was a lot… I don't know, emptier back then. Sadder. Finding you was the best thing that ever happened to her." I thought, for a moment, about telling him about the whole George debacle- just to demonstrate how much she had needed him- but decided against it. I didn't know if she had ever told him about that, and I had put my foot in my mouth enough for one century. "Really, Emmett, this house was pretty awkward up until the day Carlisle changed you."

He snorted again, ripping an angry chunk out of his stick. "It's pretty awkward now, I'd say. It might take her a few weeks to get over this one. I bet she stays out every day, at least that long." _Why can't she just want me with her?_

"If I knew the answer to that, I'd write a book on women," I said grimly. "But anyway, she won't need to do that. I'm leaving tonight."

He looked up, frowning. "What do you mean, you're leaving? Where?"

"I'm going off on my own for a while," I said casually. "You know, like you and Rosalie did."

_Because of what happened?_

I shrugged. "It's as good a time as any, don't you think?"

Emmett held his stick up in front of his eyes, twirling it studiously. "You're not gonna… you know, do the human blood thing again?"

"Of course not!" I snapped, throwing my stick at his face. He caught it without looking, twirling it at a right angle with his own.

_That's good._ _Um, Edward?_ _Can you keep a secret?_

"You know I always do." He gave me a look. "Okay, with the exception of yesterday. What is it?"

He said it in vampire speed, before I could snatch it out of his mind. "I had an accident while we were away."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, but nodded for him to go on.

"It was a old lady in our building. You know how some people smell better than others? Well, she was like that. Anyway, Rose and I were the only ones home when it happened. She had just fallen down the stairs, and busted open the side of her face, right as we were walking in the door to the stairwell. It happened so fast, her blood didn't even hit the ground."

"Wow. I mean, it's okay, Em. It happens. Remember when Esme had that thing in the Himalayas?"

He nodded, sharing my memory. It was back in '42, and we had been just coming down from the peak of Mt. Everest. Carlisle and Esme had gone off for some alone time and to hunt, and when they met up with us two days later, Esme was crying and hiding her eyes. It had been a mountain climber, a man who had been grossly unprepared in terms of equipment. Carlisle and Esme saw him falling, and Carlisle dashed forward to help, telling Esme to stay behind and hold her breath. But no sooner had he reached the man than Esme crashed into him, unable to stop herself. They hadn't hunted yet, and it could hardly be said that she killed him, considering the injuries he had sustained from his fall. Still, it was a difficult few weeks for our family after that. It was also the time when the three of us siblings had gotten along the best, as we all rallied around our grieving mother, and did our best to be kind to another, for her sake.

He shrugged. "I know. And after we, you know, took care of things, that was why we moved to that other apartment complex. And that was why we had to stay away for so long, because of my eyes." _I pretty much just sat at home, and we spent a lot of time out at Sterling Forest._ _It was awful._

"Emmett, you could have come home! You know we would have understood."

"I know. But since we were already away, we wanted to just keep it to ourselves, and not worry anyone. And it always hits Carlisle so hard when one of us messes up, you know? Like he did it himself. "

I clenched my teeth, knowing that he was right. And though Carlisle had been careful not to think like that around me yesterday, I knew that this time was the worst, in a way. This time, the humans had seen it happen. My actions would reflect on him professionally, once the rumors made their way to his hospital. Dr. Cullen's son, causing a scene during surgery and nearly killing the patient. How much of the truth would make its way back to his ears, through the whispers of his colleagues? It made me sick.

Emmett saw my face change, and he mumbled an oath. "I didn't mean it like that, Eddie… I really didn't. What you… what happened to you wasn't even an accident. I mean, the guy's gonna make it, right?"

"I hope so."

"Anyway, do you think I should tell Carlisle about it? My accident, I mean?"

"I don't see the point. Especially not right now."

"Yeah, I guess not. Anyway, that's why we stayed away as long as we did. Rosalie wanted to come back earlier, even back before the money problems got really bad. She just missed everyone, but I wanted to wait for my eyes to turn back."

"Wait, she really wanted to come back? Before you two went into debt?"

"Of course she did! She never wanted to stay away that long. Anyway, that's the only reason I'm telling you about it now. I know you think she only came back because of the money thing, but she didn't." _I also wanted you to know that the money thing wasn't all her fault._ _I couldn't work for like four months, because of my eyes._ _That was when she tried to get that job at the body shop._ " I just wanted you to know that some of the stuff you said about her wasn't true. Just setting the record straight, for when you two make up." _And you better apologize to her._ _Profusely._

"I will," I said miserably. Now I felt like even more of a cad. Half of the things I had said- yelled- to her yesterday hadn't even been true! "Though I was planning on leaving before she got home tonight."

"You don't have to leave at _all_. She'll get over it eventually." _Come on, Edward._ _Think about how Esme will feel if you disappear._

"I _am_ thinking about Esme!" I growled, taking a deep breath to calm myself. "I was thinking about travelling anyway, for a while now. I just wanted to wait until you two were home, so that she wouldn't be too upset."

"Liar. You were going to go to Yale this fall."

"I…" I glanced up at him sheepishly, caught in my lie. That hadn't exactly been my best performance. See, this was why I needed a practice run. "Well, what I meant was, I was going to do it eventually. I didn't know you were coming home this soon." That was better; quite believable now. He nodded suspiciously.

"So where are you going, then?"

"I thought I'd try living in London for a while, or maybe in one of the smaller towns around there. I'd like to get a job, like you did. Maybe something in, I don't know, banking or something."

"Banking."

"I don't know!" I growled. I hadn't exactly invented this part of the story yet. "Something that doesn't involve being outside. And definitely no blood."

"Probably a good idea," he laughed. "I'm glad you're coming to your senses. Vampires and hospitals don't mix."

"Right," I said dismally.

"I'm kidding, man. It was just a fluke. I mean, what did you expect, nosing around in an operating room?"

"I get the point, Emmett."

"I'm just saying, there's no use crying over spilled milk." _Or blood, ha!_ He cleared his throat awkwardly, glancing up to see if I was laughing along with him. I wasn't. _Oh, come on._ _The guy didn't even die._ _Say, you're not planning on staying away too long, are you?_

"No. A year, maybe."

"Well, that's good," he said, jumping up to his feet. "Because I still owe you a good pummeling. I'll let you off today, since you're leaving. But who am I supposed to wrestle, if you're not around?"

"Carlisle, I expect." I got up as well.

"You've got to be kidding. He hits like a girl!" His booming laugh echoed through the trees, and I sighed in contentment as we began the run home. I felt better, knowing that I was at least leaving him in good spirits… as good as could be. As we ran, both of us were thinking through some of the fun times we had had together, many of which had taken place during our world tour: the condor rodeo, our race to the top of Mount Everest, and then there was the tiger incident, back in India, which had _totally_ been Emmett's fault, because-

I stopped on a dime, sniffing the air. "What's that?" I wondered aloud.

Emmett stopped as well. _Vampire._ _No one I know._ _You?_

I shook my head, following the trail off to the south. I listened ahead, but heard nothing except a human man as the very edge of my range. He was in pursuit of a buck, and didn't seem to have heard anything unusual in the woods. I inhaled more deeply, distinguishing two distinct scents. I mentally flipped through all the nomads we had met on our travels, and a few extra scents that Carlisle had given me through his memories. It was no one that he had ever encountered, either.

"Two of them," Emmett said, before I could open my mouth. "And they were running _fast_."

I frowned. "How can you tell?"

He rolled his eyes. "Look at the footprints. They're so far apart that they had to have been going at, I dunno, at least a hundred miles an hour."

I hadn't even thought to look. Emmett pointed out a couple of them. Definitely two, and one had such a tiny foot that it had to be a female, or even a child. My instincts bristled at the thought: what if one of the nomads were an immortal child? We didn't want _that_ anywhere on our continent. And what was their hurry, whoever they were?

"Let's get home," I said.

"Yeah," Emmett said uncomfortably. "I think we'd better." _One of them must be a kid._ _I thought that was illegal._

"It is," I said stiffly. "Although it could be a woman."

Emmett shook his head doubtfully. "Let's go."

We followed the trail, growing more anxious as it continued to lead us toward the direction of our home. In fact, their trail followed closely along the one that Emmett and I had left earlier this morning. This meant that the strangers were tracking us, but backwards, to where we had come from. I confirmed this theory as their scent grew stronger- more recent- the further east we got. I kept listening ahead as far as I could, hoping we would overtake them before they picked up the scents of our family. Why did Emmett and I have to come out here to hunt, of all places? We hardly ever came into Coolidge.

Emmett was speeding up, starting to worry about Rosalie. _They followed our trail back home, Edward._

"I know. Do you want me to go on ahead?"

"No, let's stay together, just in case there's a fight." He was picturing me sprinting home, and getting myself torn apart before he could catch up.

"Not likely," I snorted, keeping pace with him. "You know most nomads aren't aggressive."

"Yeah? Then why are they running towards our house at breakneck speed? And why are they purposely tracking where we came from, instead of where we were headed?"

"Less talking, more running, Em."

"Right." He surged up to his top speed, worrying again about whether Rosalie might have already gotten home. He wasn't sure which scenario to hope for; he hoped she was still out in case there was a confrontation, but on the other hand, having three at home would discourage there from even being one.

_-swam to France… school at night, when nobody…_

"It's all right," I said, signaling for Emmett to ease his pace. "Carlisle's telling his story to them. He sounds calm."

"Friendly, then," he mused. "Wonder where they're from." _And why they were so eager to find us._

"Well, if there's one thing we all have in common, it's our curiosity. They probably just found our scent, and wanted to say hello. Come on."

I was curious as well, and still a little uneasy. This was the first time that anyone other than the Denalis had actually visited us. It wasn't that we weren't welcoming; it was just that most of our friends weren't fond of committing to being anywhere at any given time. And we moved so often that Garrett had joked that we were more nomadic than _he_ was.

_Hi, Edward!_ _…_ _me yet? I wasn't… so… name…_

I stumbled over my feet, shocked as the unfamiliar voice pierced my mind. It was decidedly feminine, and energetic, in a sing-song kind of way.

"I'm hearing the female," I said, grimacing as she continued her mental salute an octave above what I was used to.

"And?"

"She's thinking at me." I still had no visuals, and she did sound friendly, but I was confused. This wasn't like Carlisle, to broadcast the truth about my gift so soon after meeting someone. Maybe they were friends of a friend, or something like that.

_I know you can hear me now, so tell Emmett I said hello!_

Well, _this_ was different. "She says to tell you hello," I told Emmett, sharing his confused look.

"How does she even know you can hear her?"

"She couldn't know that. Maybe she's been saying the same thing for the past hour." We ran on and I grew uneasy again. She had specifically said "I know you can hear me now". What did that mean? Was the she gifted at sensing one's direction and proximity, like Demetri? But she hadn't ever met me before, so that didn't make any sense. I tensed for a moment, fearing that the male might be Demetri himself. But that wasn't right either; I knew Demetri's scent, and this wasn't it. And even as a burst of fear shot through me at the possibility of these being Volturi guards, I dismissed the idea. I highly doubted that the Guard ever _ran_ anywhere, or greeted their targets so cheerfully. And they certainly didn't go around barefoot.

A few seconds later, I could see them through Carlisle's eyes, and I could hear their minds; though at the moment, they were merely picturing the events that Carlisle was telling them about his life. The male had golden hair, a bit darker than Carlisle's, but it was much longer, coming down to almost sweep his shoulders. He seemed to be nineteen, or twenty perhaps, though his expression made me wonder if he was older. He had two scars on his face- bites. My instincts tensed briefly at the sight, but I had seen scars like that before on a couple of the nomads we had met on our travels. He was lean and well-dressed, though Carlisle wasn't looking at his feet, which I knew to be bare. He was seated on the couch in the living room, though he looked rather uncomfortable doing so; his back was ramrod-straight, his shoulders tense. He had the female tucked protectively under his arm. His mate, then.

Her appearance matched her voice: tiny, energetic, and light. She was no bigger than a pre-adolescent child, though she seemed fully mature. Even her hair looked energetic, sticking out from her head at all angles. Her face was just as small as Jane's, though much happier. She was wearing a light blue dress that sort of matched the male's shirt, though it was worn with age and use. She had her legs folded up underneath her as she snuggled up to her mate, listening in rapture to Carlisle's tale. She moved then, glancing up at the male with some fond expression, and her eyes-

"Her eyes!" I gasped. "She's a vegetarian!"

Emmett grinned. "No wonder Carlisle's so cheery. The male too?"

"I don't think so. Wait a minute." I waited impatiently for Carlisle to look at them again; he was sharing a loving glance with Esme as he told our visitors about their first meeting. I didn't recall being surprised about the male's eyes, but now I wasn't sure. Carlisle finally looked back at him.

"No, red. Well… mostly red."

"Huh. Wonder if they're friends with the Denalis?"

The male was glancing out the window now, his arm tightening around his mate slightly. All at once, his voice was in my head, strong and serious. _Edward._ _I don't know if you can hear us yet, but don't be alarmed._ _My name is Jasper, and my mate's name is Alice. W_ _e are not hostile._ He repeated the message again, moving his eyes back to Carlisle and nodding solemnly at something he had said.

"I have the male now," I told Emmett. "Their names are Jasper and Alice, and he's saying that they're not hostile."

Alice perked up, a beautiful smile lighting up her face. "They're almost home," she told everyone, picturing Emmett and I entering the house. She must have seen the pictures hanging in the hallway, to know what we looked like. Though as she pictured our return home, the image was fuzzy and bright around the edges, like a picture that was frayed from handling. She was picturing the door bursting open, and me practically falling in the room as Emmett shoved me inside. Then she turned to Jasper. "He heard you," she assured him, her golden eyes twinkling. He just nodded, unsurprised.

"Amazing," breathed Carlisle. "Simply amazing. Jasper, can you sense them yet with your gift?" Jasper shook his head.

I stopped running completely, my eyes wide.

"What?" Emmett growled, dancing to the side to avoid running into me.

"They're gifted," I said in awe. "I'm not sure of the specifics yet, but it's something like mine. The female's gift is stronger than the male's, I think."

"Hey, that's great!" Emmett laughed. "You'll all be able to stand there and think at each other. Come on, I want to meet them."

Not a bad idea. I concentrated, thinking back to them. _Alice, Jasper._ _Can you hear me as well?_

Neither of them seemed to take any notice. No matter, though, we were already home. We ran into the yard and right up to the porch. I paused, realizing that Rosalie was home as well. Great.

Emmett reached around me to open the door, shoving me inside along with him. In fact, our entrance was an exact copy of the scene that the female nomad, Alice, had imagined twenty seconds ago… that was odd. Everyone was still in the living room: Carlisle and Esme seated in chairs pulled in from the dining room, and Rosalie standing beside Esme. Our newcomers were still on the couch, and the male was reminding himself to remain seated, so as not to appear hostile.

The female had no such reservations. She popped up off the couch, landing on her feet right in front of me. She was even shorter than I had expected, but it was still a shock. I jerked backwards a step, and her mate flew to her side, reaching for her shoulders and thinking about pulling her back. But she was too quick for him, springing up into _my_ arms and squeezing her face right into _my_ shoulder. I froze apprehensively as her arms went around my neck, but she didn't seem to be attacking… unless yelling in my ear at vampire speed could be considered an attack.

"Hello, Edward! I'm Alice! Well, you already knew that, because we told you. It's so good to see you, in person I mean! Oh, isn't it wonderful?!"

Her mate- Jasper- just looked on, understandably uncomfortable with our closeness. I gently peeled Alice's arms away from my neck, setting her down onto her feet. But she bounced up toward Emmett this time, and he laughed as she hugged him, as well. His huge arms went around her in acceptance, and the top half of her disappeared from view. Jasper swallowed, thinking how Emmett could snap Alice like a twig. Rosalie tensed as well, but didn't protest.

"Sorry," Jasper said to both Emmett and I. "She gets like this sometimes. She's harmless, though." His voice was tinged with a Southern accent, more so than his thoughts had been.

"I doubt _that_ ," I replied, smiling to show my lack of offense. Everyone laughed, and even Jasper cracked a smile. His shoulders finally relaxed a bit, and he took a breath. I realized that until now, he hadn't been breathing at _all_. He must have been nervous before, to find himself among such a large coven.

Emmett set Alice down, and we all laughed again when we saw them standing side by side. Even Rosalie thought it was funny: the biggest vampire she had ever met, right beside the smallest. In fact, she was laughing almost like she was drunk. I watched her mind curiously, but I saw nothing unusual. She caught my gaze, greeting me mentally. _Don't worry_ , she thought. _I'm not mad anymore._ _And I'm sorry I hit you._

I nodded, trying not to show my confusion. How could she have possibly gotten over our fight already? I supposed that our visitors had distracted her. It was odd, though. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen her this relaxed. _I'm sorry too_ , I mouthed to her. She just shrugged, turning her attention back to the newcomers.

Who was this girl, and what had she done with my sister?

But there was no time to worry about Rosalie; Alice was back in my face again. Or rather, my chest. She was _tiny._ Not quite as tiny as Jane, but that was hardly a comparison worth making. "Edward Cullen," I said, nodding politely down to her and over at her mate. "And my brother Emmett."

"I'm Jasper Whitlock," Jasper said. "And this is Alice."

"Just Alice?" Emmett asked in amusement. _She's so little she doesn't even get a last name!_ _Ha ha!_

"Just Alice," she sang, dancing back to her mate's side. _I was hoping you could help me with that, actually_ , _Edward._

"How so?" I asked, still confused. She was speaking mentally to me with ease, like she had been doing it for years. I tried communicating with her again, in the same way. _Can you hear this? Are you a telepath as well?_

She didn't seem to hear my silent question; at least I didn't hear it echo in her mind. _I know you can read my mind._ _I thought maybe you could help me learn about my past._ _I don't have any human memories at all, so I thought maybe you could, you know, dig around and find them._

"It doesn't work like that," I said apologetically, and she pouted, looking like a five-year-old. I opened my mouth to ask if she was a telepath, as well, but now my words echoed in her mind _before_ I said them.

"Nope, guess again!" she said happily, and I blinked. What…?

"Would somebody please tell the rest of us what's going on?" Rosalie demanded.

"Edward's trying to guess my gift," Alice announced. "He thought I was a telepath at first."

 _She has visions of the future_ , Rosalie thought, just to get the conversation moving.

"Visions of the future?" I echoed in disbelief, and Alice pouted again.

"Right," she said, "though I know you didn't figure it out on your own!"

"I'm still confused, Alice," Carlisle said. "If you don't hear thoughts, how did you know that someone told Edward silently?"

"Because it was going to take him another forty seconds. So when he got it sooner, I knew someone had helped him, though I don't know who."

Jasper cocked his head to the side. "Forty seconds? I've never heard your predictions be so precise before."

"That's because I've never had a clock to look at before!" she replied, pointing to the grandfather clock on the wall behind Esme. "This is going to be so much _fun_! See if you can guess Jasper's gift, Emmett!"

Emmett just wrinkled his forehead, glancing back and forth between me and our visitors. _Are you as confused as I am?_

"Definitely."

I saw a flash in Jasper's mind, just like I had seen in Alice's earlier, and like I frequently saw in Eleazar's, when he was using his gift. Jasper looked over to me. _You're feeling curious_ , he hinted, _and now you're feeling excited._ I grinned back at him. I _was_ excited. I had always wanted to meet an empath! I almost shouted the answer to Emmett, but Alice stopped me.

"Don't, Edward!" she hissed.

"But he got it first," Jasper protested.

"Only because you helped me cheat," I admitted.

Esme held her head in her hands. "What are you three _talking_ about?" she moaned.

"It's like having three Edwards," Rosalie growled. "He's an empath, Emmett!"

"Time!" Carlisle called, laughing as he held up his hands. "I think we're all getting a bit confused. Jasper, why don't you and Alice tell your stories, like you did earlier?"

They agreed, and Jasper started first. He was older than any of us, it turned out, save Carlisle. When he got to the part about being in the Southern Wars, he kept his mind carefully blank of any visuals. _I don't like to remember that part_ , he explained mentally. I nodded my understanding, and he went on. When he got near the end of his tale, Alice burst in to begin her own. I held up my hand soon after she began.

"I can help you with one thing," I told her, looking at her memory of when she woke up. "It looks like you were wearing a hospital gown when you were changed."

"That doesn't mean much," Carlisle said, shaking his head. "You were wearing one as well, Edward."

"I was?"

He nodded. "Perhaps whoever changed her found her dying in a hospital, like I found you."

"Then why would they just leave her alone like that?" I wondered. What an awful thing to do!

"Let's move on," Esme suggested. "Tell them about your visions, Alice, those first ones. I'm sure Edward will be curious to see them."

Alice smiled, eagerly showing me what she had seen, and continued with her story. It seemed that Alice had known about our family for years, and had been _watching_ us for years. The idea was rather unnerving.

"How much, exactly, have you been watching us?" I asked uncomfortably.

She smiled sadly at me. _If you're wondering about your years away, yes, I saw all that._ _And I have a pretty good idea of what happened the other day, too._ My whole body stiffened in shame and anger, and Jasper put a warning hand on Alice's arm. _Sorry_ , she added, _but don't worry about it._ _I love you anyway._ _And we all have things we'd rather keep to ourselves, but gifts like ours don't always allow everyone their privacy._ _You of all people should understand that!_

"Be that as it may," I said stiffly, "I hardly think you needed to watch all that, when we couldn't-"

"Oh, come on, Edward!" Alice said impatiently. "Don't pretend you don't understand! You carry the 'burden of invasion into sacred, hidden places of the heart', just the same as I do." She waved her fingers in the air as she quoted my-

I jumped to my feet, enraged. "You've been reading my _journal_?!" I snarled.

Jasper jumped up as well, baring his teeth and throwing himself in front of his mate protectively. There was a bright flash from his mind; his gift processing my sudden anger, no doubt. But oddly enough, I felt suddenly calmer. It really wasn't that big of a deal that she had seen my journal, was it? Wait…

"Not on purpose!" Alice squeaked from behind Jasper. "I just had a habit of checking on you all to see what you were up to. It was just that sometimes, when I checked, you happened to be sitting at your desk, writing. It's not _my_ fault I have vampire vision, and can remember everything I see for eternity!"

I held up my hands peaceably. "No… no, it's all right, Alice. I understand. And you're absolutely right, I…" Why had I gotten so angry? "Never mind, please continue," I said sheepishly, and sat back down. Jasper watched me intently for a moment, before taking his own seat.

 _She didn't mean any harm_ , he told me. _And I understand the burden you spoke of, as well._ _But watch yourself._ _I will defend her if necessary, and you will lose._ I finally saw the memories he had been hiding earlier; I saw a vicious battle between himself and two other vampires, and I watch in awe as he destroyed his opponents, tearing them limb from limb. I flinched as he imagined doing the same to me, if I threatened Alice again.

"That wasn't necessary," I muttered. "And I wasn't threatening your mate."

_Felt like it to me._

"Is there a problem?" Carlisle asked quietly. Jasper and I shook our heads, eyeing each other warily, and Alice continued her tale. She told us about the day she had found Jasper, and about their travels together since then.

"And here we are!" she said in conclusion.

"Here you are!" Emmett laughed. "What a tale! I want to hear more about those Wars, Jasper."

"Judging by your excitement, Emmett," Jasper said in a low voice, "I'm guessing that you haven't felt a vampire's bite yourself. And I'm not speaking of the bite of transformation."

"Nope," Emmett admitted with another laugh. "But Edward has! Tell him, brother!" Jasper turned to me with interest, but Alice was already picturing what had happened, in perfect detail; she must have been paying attention that day.

"It was the day Emmett woke up," I told Jasper. "He scented a human, and we were trying to stop him. Didn't work, though."

"I imagine not," Jasper said with a smirk, thinking about Emmett's obvious strength. _I can't even fathom how strong he was as a newborn._

"You have no idea," I replied. "Long story short, I lost a hand and got bitten."

"Still has the scar, too," Emmett said triumphantly. "What about you, Jasper? Got any other scars?"

"Emmett," Esme scolded. "Don't be rude."

Jasper was struggling to control his thoughts, trying to hide his violent memories. I supposed that I would too, if it had been me. "It's all right," he told Esme. He swept his hair aside, revealing an ugly, jagged scar which curled halfway around his neck.

" _That_ had to hurt," Emmett said approvingly. _I can't wait to spar with this guy._ _He must know all kinds of moves._

"You should have seen the other vampire," Jasper murmured, and I flinched again as I saw the outcome of _that_ particular fight.

"I didn't know it was even _possible_ to tear a vampire in half with one hand," I said in awe.

"Can we talk about something else?" Esme asked quietly. _The poor boy._ _I never realized how lucky we all were to have Carlisle be the one who changed us._ _I always thought of the Wars as so far away._ _But I wonder how many of our kind are still trapped in that life?_

"Okay!" Alice squealed, popping up out of the couch. "Who's ready to go shopping?!"

"Shopping?" I asked in amusement. Carlisle was grinning and shaking his head in confusion as he watched the women fly upstairs.

 _I think this was exactly what our family needed this week_ , he thought. _It seems like Edward's doing much better._ _And Rosalie!_ _What a difference._ _Maybe having a sister will be good for her._

He was right. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't noticed Rosalie having any hostile thoughts toward me this afternoon, or even toward Carlisle. And I knew for a fact she had still been angry at both of us when she left this morning. Her sudden change of heart was peculiar, but I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. One thing was certain, though. I would need to delay my departure for as long as our visitors were here. They seemed friendly enough, but I wasn't about to leave my family unprotected- especially when one of those visitors was a skilled warrior. My mind-reading would be especially important in the coming days.

Alice was convinced that she was settling in for life, but Jasper seemed a bit more realistic. He was just grateful that their "initial encounter" had gone so smoothly. And they were both so _strange_ … I was glad now that I hadn't gotten a chance to tell my parents about my plans. And leaving immediately wasn't really necessary, now that Rosalie had suddenly decided to become the forgiving type. It was just so _odd…_

"I think we had better make ourselves scarce," Carlisle told Jasper, Emmett, and I, "unless we want to get roped into going with them."

"Let's show Jasper around," Emmett suggested, standing up. "You like bears?"

Jasper shrugged. "All animals taste the same to me." _Awful._

"It'll get better," Carlisle promised.

The women came back down, Alice giggling as she wobbled down the stairs wearing Esme's high heels. "We had to stuff some paper into the toes," Esme explained. "Our first stop is the shoe store!" Both she and Rosalie were bursting with ideas of what they could get for their new life-size doll.

 _I don't like this_ , Jasper thought anxiously. _We've barely met these people, and now they're putting her in a car and taking her where I can't go._

"Can't go?" I asked.

Jasper glanced over to Carlisle, hesitant to admit the truth aloud. _I can't be around humans_ , he told me silently. _It was fine back when I was hunting them, but I've lost all self-control now._

"I understand," I said sympathetically. "Don't worry, she's in good hands. But don't expect them back before the stores close!"

He frowned. "Why? How long can it possibly take to buy some clothes?"

Emmett and I laughed, following Carlisle into the garage, where we kept our hunting shoes. Jasper obviously had a lot to learn about...

My smile faded and I stuck my head back through the kitchen door to shout at whoever was listening. "WOULD ANYBODY MIND TELLING ME WHY MY STUFF IS IN THE GARAGE?!"

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**I hope you liked it! And don't worry, the next chapter will continue right where this leaves off. It was just getting so LONG, and after all that angst recently, I wanted to end it on a funny note :) Reviews are like hugs!**


	10. Male Bonding

**I'm so glad you all liked the arrival chapter (and its outtake). You guys are the best! And I want to offer a big thank you to everyone who has been brainstorming with me regarding this part of the story: abishop47, Rachel, EmeraldStar73, Camilla10, Strawberry4evr, zveka... I'm sure I'm forgetting some but thank you!**

**The plot will be slowing down a bit here, as we get into some of the more fun/fluffy parts of the story. Let me know if there's any particular conversation/event you'd like to see! As always, I love accommodating requests, as long as they go along with what I have planned. This story is going to be LONG and I have a lot of room for ideas.**

* * *

"You're angry," Jasper said stiffly, backing away from where I stood on the garage steps. "We meant no offense. Alice saw that you wouldn't mind, but her visions aren't always fulfilled. We'll just use a different room, or stay outside." His mind was flashing with wordless activity; his gift must be processing my anger. My muscles relaxed and I held up my hands peaceably.

"No, it's all right," I said quickly. "I'm not angry, I'm just…" I paused, taking account of myself. Why did I have to fly off the handle again? It was just a room, for heaven's sake, and these were our guests. "I was just surprised," I continued in a calmer voice.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Carlisle said, walking back toward us. "Alice really thought you wouldn't mind. We can work something else out."

"No, they should keep the room," I insisted. "There's two of them, and only one of me. I'll move my things into that spare room beside yours."

"Might as well just leave it in here," Emmett said. "After all, you-"

"Emmett!" I hissed, shaking my head in warning.

_What? I thought you were leaving. Didn't you tell Carlisle?_

"What's wrong?" Carlisle asked, looking at Emmett, who was looking at me.

"I meant he might as well just leave his stuff in here, since Esme will probably just build onto the house before long," he said, recovering himself.

"Oh," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "That's true. Jasper, you've just made my wife a very happy woman. She loves having a reason to work on the house."

"I… you're welcome," Jasper said slowly, and the rest of us laughed. Carlisle caught my eye again.

_Are you sure, about the room? Esme can just as easily build one for them._

I nodded, and Carlisle kicked off his shoes, stepping into his outdoor ones. Emmett and I were already in ours from our trip out this morning.

"You have special shoes for feeding?" Jasper asked, thinking about his own bare feet.

"They're more like outside shoes," Emmett said with a shrug. "For hunting, yard work, stuff like that. Esme would take our arms off if we tracked dirt onto that new carpet!" He mumbled an oath, finally realizing that he had probably tracked plenty of dirt into the living room just now.

Jasper stiffened again, if he had really relaxed at all. "She would?" _I can't see her doing that. And how would she-_

Emmett howled with laughter. "No!" _That's hilarious! This guy is going to be so much fun. I wonder if I could trick him into-_

"Emmett," I sighed. "Behave yourself. Not every vampire is used to our human ways, or our way of saying things. Remember what happened with that coven in Russia?"

"Why, what happened in Russia?" Jasper asked.

"Emmett is a bit of a prankster," Carlisle explained with a grin as he led us outside. "And he got himself into quite a situation back in '43. We were traveling through the world at the time, and we occasionally ran into old friends or strangers… our kind, I mean. When we were up in northern Russia, we ran into a mated pair of nomads, and Emmett challenged the male to a fight."

"I didn't mean to the _death_ ," Emmett interrupted, "but they sort of took it that way. Anyway, turns out his mate was talented. One flick of her gift and I was on my back."

"You should have seen his face," I laughed, remembering. "Her gift was a forward shield that she could extend twenty feet or so. He couldn't even get up until she let him. It took Carlisle a good ten minutes to convince her that Emmett hadn't been trying to kill her mate."

 _I fought a shield like that once_ , Jasper thought. I saw yet another battle scene begin to play out in his memory. He was fighting what looked like a fifteen-year-old girl, dancing away every time she looked at him. He finally managed to flank her, opening his mouth and roaring in triumph as he shoved her forward onto the ground, tearing her head off with a single jerk of his teeth. I flinched, taken aback by his ferocity. Jasper's eyes flicked back to mine, and his mind scrambled for something else to think about _._

"Don't worry about it," I assured him. "I'm not going to judge you for your past. We've all done things we're not proud of."

Jasper nodded, but was already distracted. We were almost to the edge of the woods now, and he was watching the car as Esme backed it down the driveway. He could see Alice in the back seat, where she was blowing him a kiss. He swallowed, wondering when she would return, and whether she would be all right around so many humans.

"She'll be fine," I assured him again. "She was just telling Esme how good her control is. And she's thinking about you constantly, anyway."

"Esme?"

"No, Alice. She's..." I frowned in concentration, unable to keep up with the strange flashes and pictures racing through Alice's mind at lightning speed. I saw two pictures of Jasper, Emmett and myself in the woods, and then one of Jasper feeding from a black bear. "I think she's checking your future and-" I winced, hearing my name being called in Alice's shrill mental voice.

_And tell him he'll be fine! You'll keep an ear out for humans, won't you Edward? He needs to stay at least two miles away._

"-and she says to tell you that you'll be fine," I relayed, giving Alice a nod and a wave.

Jasper frowned, uncomfortable with the idea of me hearing his mate's thoughts. _This is going to take some getting used to._

"Yes, it is," I said. I was relieved to get away from Alice's mind for a while. She had been so focused on the immediate future throughout the afternoon that I had been hearing an echo of everything that everyone said right before they said it. That, in combination with the customary echo of the thoughts that everyone had before speaking, was making my head ache. I hoped she wasn't always this… attentive. Hearing her excitable voice in my head was challenging enough.

"Edward, are you thirsty?" Carlisle asked. "I thought you hunted with Emmett this morning."

I realized, then, that my hand had been rubbing my throat. "No, I'm not," I said in confusion, noting that the thirst had that phantom feel to it. "Jasper, are you?"

"Always," he admitted. Sure enough, his eyes had darkened a couple of shades since I had come home. "Does your gift… relay that?"

"Unfortunately, yes. I don't usually notice my family's thirst because they never let it go too long, but it was especially difficult when Emmett was a newborn. When did you hunt last?"

"This morning," Jasper said, glancing apprehensively toward Carlisle. "I need to hunt twice a day, usually. But it's all right- I can go later with Alice, if none of you are interested right now."

" _I'm_ interested in you feeding," I said, rubbing my throat again. "Let's go."

We started to run, Jasper and I lagging behind Carlisle and Emmett. "You physically feel my thirst?" Jasper asked. "In your throat?"

I nodded. "My gift automatically blocks most physical sensations coming from others… pain, especially. I didn't have any trouble while any of the others were in transition. But thirst is different, I suppose. Anyway, it's not quite as bad as my own thirst, and I can usually tell the difference."

"I'm sorry," Jasper said politely. "I'll try to feed as often as I can."

"I'll get used to it," I shrugged. "What about your gift? Do you feel it, when Alice gets thirsty?"

"Not physically. But I do feel the emotions that thirst brings on, so she tries to feed pretty often. She always stays with me when I hunt, anyway, to keep an eye on the future… you know, in case of humans."

"She was just telling me about that, before she left. She wants me to keep an ear out, for your sake."

"What's your range?"

"I have a three mile radius, give or take," I explained. "Though that's only when I'm trying, which I am right now. I'll let you know if I hear anyone around."

Jasper dipped his head in gratitude- a comical gesture, consider we were running.

"What about you?" I asked. "What's your range?"

He nodded forward, to where Carlisle and Emmett were running. They were about one hundred feet ahead of us. "Not much more than that." _I can tell that Carlisle is nervous._ _Can't say that I blame him. Alice almost jumped on HIM when we first got here. And meeting strangers is always difficult._

"No, it's not that at all. He's worried about there being any humans around, for your sake. That's why he's staying so close." Carlisle was also wondering whether he should suggest doing some blood challenges with Jasper. But that seemed to be a bit much for the first day, so I kept that part to myself. "I'm curious about something," I said aloud. "You mentioned that Alice's visions aren't always accurate? How does that work?"

"It's complicated- you'd get a better explanation from her. Her visions are always accurate, but they're not always fulfilled. Generally, her visions are based on decisions. A future is only created when someone decides their course about something, so if they change their mind, a new future is created, and her vision changes accordingly."

"That doesn't make sense," I said with a frown. "She said that she saw you, and all of us, when she woke up. She hadn't made any decisions about meeting any of us, or you, at the time, had she? And Carlisle certainly hadn't decided yet to change the others into vampires."

He shrugged. "Like I said, it's complicated." _All I know is, her gift brought us together. That's good enough for me._

"And it brought you two here, as well," I added, hoping to get him thinking about it. Did he share his mate's "vision" of joining our family forever? And why had they decided to come just now? Had Alice seen me leaving tonight? But Jasper's mind was a steel trap; he was learning quickly how to block me out. I tried again. "I'm curious… what brought you here? Just now, I mean? Why not right away, when you first met Alice? Why not fifty years from now?"

Jasper locked down on his thoughts even harder, filling his mind with Alice. "We had always intended to come. It's just that… we wanted some time alone together first." I groaned as the images shifted to things I _definitely_ didn't want to see. Just what I needed; another happily mated couple. Just _great._

Jasper suddenly realized what he was thinking about and snapped his gaze over to me angrily. "That wasn't for you to see," he said coldly. " _Ever."_

"Believe me, I wish I could turn it off," I sighed. "And I'm sorry, Jasper, but I can't. I do my best to distract myself, or leave, when the situation calls for it. But I can't _not_ see what you're showing me. especially when you're this close. So it's really up to you to keep it under wraps, or at least give me fair warning when you two-"

"I get it," he interrupted. "And I can tell that you're being honest." _That's DEFINITELY going to take some getting used to._ _How can he stand living in the same house as two mated couples, one of whom he considers his parents?_

"Like you said, it takes some getting used to," I muttered. _And it just got harder_ , I added to myself. At least I could tell already that Alice and Jasper were nowhere near as physical as my siblings were. And from the way Jasper had recoiled just now, it looked like he wasn't going to be nearly as carefree as Emmett in fantasizing about his mate in front of me.

Thank _God._

Carlisle and Emmett had stopped running, and we soon caught up to them. "There's a black bear off to the northeast, Jasper," Carlisle said, pointing into another part of the woods. "It's all yours."

Jasper sniffed the air, guessing that the bear was nearly a mile off. He hesitated, wondering if he should get that far away from me, since it would take him closer to the edge of my "lookout" range. He wanted to ask me to come with him, but he was unsure whether I would just end up fighting him for his prey.

"I'll come, if you like," I offered. "And I'll give you some space, when we get there."

"I'll come too," Emmett added.

"There's only one bear, Emmett, and it's not for you," I teased, but he came along anyway. Carlisle said that he wanted to get some paperwork done before heading into work, and went back toward the house.

Emmett and I hung back when we sighted the bear, and Jasper ran on ahead. He simply walked up to the bear, crushed its skull with his hand, and began drinking.

Emmett turned to me in disbelief. _Um, why is he drinking standing up?_ I held my finger to my lips, not wanting him to annoy Jasper when he was vulnerable like this. Just because we wouldn't have fought him during the hunt, didn't mean that Jasper wouldn't attack us if he thought we were . But a quick check into his mind told me that he was simply drinking without descending into the frenzy, like I had with the deer this morning. I was impressed; I didn't think I'd be able to do that with bear blood.

"It's called dining with style," I said with a smirk. "I do it all the time."

"You do not."

"Do too."

"Do _not."_

I shoved him playfully, and he tumbled into a tree with a _crack_ just as Jasper finished feeding. He tensed, watching Emmett warily as he extricated himself from the shattered tree.

"It's all right," I told him. "We're just playing ar-" Emmett crashed into me, head down like a bull, and we skidded a good twenty feet before we stopped. "-round," I growled, shoving him off me. I stood and twisted my head back, scowling at the huge smear of mud and leaves running down my back.

"Edward's sort of a girl sometimes about getting dirty," Emmett explained cheerfully. "But what's the matter with you, Jasper? You call that hunting?"

"No," Jasper replied with a frown, stooping down to dig a grave for his kill. "I call it feeding."

"But you just passed up a golden opportunity for a good fight! I mean, granted, black bears are pretty small and tame, but once you get 'em riled up, they're plenty of fun!"

Jasper looked shocked. "You torture _animals_?" he asked. _I wouldn't have thought the Cullens would go for that kind of thing._

"No, we don't _hurt_ them," Emmett replied. "I mean, not on purpose. And we kill them real quick, same as you just did. But the predators enjoy a good scuffle just as much as we do. I figure if they've gotta go down, they might as well go down having fun. I tried it with a deer once, but it just had a heart attack and died right there."

Jasper finished digging and stood up fully, kicking the bear down into the hole and following it with the dirt he had unearthed. "What's the point of fighting an animal?"

"It's _fun_."

"I don't see how. It's not like there would be any challenge."

Emmett grinned, showing his teeth. "So, what you're saying is, you're looking for a _challenge_?" He sank slowly down into an attack crouch, waggling his eyebrows in invitation.

Jasper froze, unsure of what to think. I just closed my eyes in exasperation. "Emmett…"

Emmett rolled his eyes. "For _fun,_ Jasper. Come on."

"Some other time, perhaps." _I would hardly call fighting 'fun'._

"Suit yourself." He pounced, but not at Jasper. I was prepared this time. I swept around his attack, grabbing his feet as he flew past me and throwing him into a spin. I had my teeth on his throat before he even hit the ground.

"You're right, that _was_ fun," I said, standing back up and winking over to Jasper. He was just staring at me, marveling at my speed.

"You don't bite each other at all?" Jasper asked in awe.

"Of course not," I replied in confusion. "We're family. We would never hurt each other on purpose. The match ends when you touch your teeth to your opponent's throat."

Emmett sprung back onto his feet. "Oh sure, embarrass me in front of the new brother. See Jasper, this is why I need lessons from a real fighter like you, so I can beat this cheater once in a while."

"Cheater?"

I tapped the side of my head. "Can't turn it off, remember? I see his moves before he makes them."

Emmett dusted off his pants. "No, you just hear me thinking about them before I make them. _Alice_ would be able to see them before I made them. Ha! Maybe _she'd_ be willing to give it a go, if Jasper won't."

Jasper finally came to life. "Maybe I _will_ teach you a lesson," he growled, crouching down for the attack. He gathered for the spring, baring his teeth slightly. I stepped forward in alarm, but he winked at me. _Don't worry, I could tell he was kidding. I won't hurt him, I promise._

"I get winner," I said, backing away again.

"No dismemberments," Emmett muttered, and attacked. Jasper ducked under Emmett's grasping hands and shot back into standing, heaving him a good fifty feet into the air. He jumped to meet him in his descent, and they crashed down together in a tangled mass of knees and fists. Emmett landed a nice punch on Jasper's stomach, filling the forest with a crack of thunder, but the fight was soon over. Jasper got in a kick to Emmett's throat, and followed his foot immediately with his teeth.

"Four seconds," I announced. "I don't know, Emmett, maybe you _should_ try going against Alice!"

"That was awesome," Emmett sighed, staying on his back. "Jasper, I want you to show me that kick-bite move again."

"In a minute," I protested. "My turn, remember?" Jasper turned to me, and we both sank to the ground before shooting forward into each other. Jasper's thoughts contained layer up layer of strategy, and I almost couldn't keep up. But I saw him dive for my feet just in time, and jumped, kicking down into his back just before he twisted back up to land a punch to the back of my left knee. My leg collapsed, but I saw his plan to circle back around toward my throat as I landed, and I blocked his face with my elbow. I drove my elbow home with my other hand, and he flew backwards away from me, waiting for my next move. He was trying not to plan ahead, but he was so used to fighting with strategy that he simply couldn't do it. He was also consciously holding back, constantly reminding himself not to really hurt me. I hated to think how I would have fared if he was _really_ fighting.

I rushed him, and he decided to take me with a spin and throw me off to the right. So I hit him with a spin in the opposite direction, and he stumbled just long enough for me to jump onto his back. He threw himself down head-first, trying to dislodge me. I grabbed onto his shirt as he flipped me, and the fabric tore off in my hands as I fell. But I landed on his chest and got my teeth into his throat, anyway.

"Not bad, not bad," Emmett called, clapping slowly. "I thought he almost had you for a…" he trailed off, staring at Jasper in shock. I scrambled away backwards, my instincts screaming.

I had torn his shirt completely away, and we could see now why he had been wearing long sleeves. His arms and upper torso were _covered_ in battle scars. There had to be literally hundreds of bite marks criss-crossing each other, and there were several chunks of skin missing around the backs of his shoulders, and at the base of his throat. The jagged line he had shown us on his neck earlier was actually one of three, and there were similar lines circling halfway around his wrists, elbows and left shoulder.

Emmett gave a low whistle. "You really _have_ seen some action, haven't you?"

Jasper shrugged. "Never lost a fight," he said simply.

I was still in shock. "Jasper, when you said you were in the Wars for a 'while'…"

He answered slowly, watching my eyes as he spoke. "Eighty years or so. Though a good half of these scars happened during training, not combat. I was a soldier, but my main task was to train the newborns as they came in. But newborns can be a little feisty, as you know." I touched the wrist of my right hand, glancing down at the now-invisible line and feeling like an idiot.

"Did you ever lose your head?" Emmett asked in awe, eyeing the bigger scars.

"No. It was close a few times, as you can see." Then he held up his left arm, tracing the scars around his shoulder. "But I lost limbs, or parts of limbs, pretty often. A scar is laid down only where the venom touches, though. Most of my wounds aren't visible at all. The worst was when I was set upon by three opponents, during the battle for Monterrey. They just about tore me in half, working together, and my side cracked open by a good six inches." He slid his fingers over the skin in question, dotted only by bite marks now. "Nothing to show for it now."

Emmett and I still stared without blinking, taking it all in. I felt like a schoolboy who had just met a real soldier for the first time. Jasper didn't seem to mind, though; it made me wonder why he had bothered to hide them in the first place. Perhaps he hadn't wanted to worry Esme.

Emmett was duly impressed as well. _Amazing. And yet you beat him!_

"He was holding back," I admitted. "Jasper, I take it that the sparring you've done in the past followed different rules?"

"It followed _no_ rules. Except that we didn't burn in training, of course."

"Of course," I said nervously.

"You did well, Edward," Jasper said with a nod. "Your gift gives you an interesting advantage. I've never fought a telepath before. And Emmett, that's a nasty right hook you've got."

"Thanks… I think," Emmett replied. "Now, how about that kick-bite?"

Jasper showed us the move in slow-motion and gave Emmett a chance to try it on him. Only Emmett's kick was far too powerful, sending Jasper flying backwards through the trees.

"I suppose that's one way to do it," Jasper chuckled as he came back. "Except that it leaves your opponent free to attack you from a new angle. Want to try again?"

We spent the next couple of hours sparring, and Jasper showed us several other moves, some of which he had special names for. As we went on, Jasper grew more relaxed around us, and became more free with his conversation, as well as his thoughts. When the sun had set, we made our way back to the house, and Jasper was hoping that Alice would already be home.

"I doubt it," I snorted. "If she's anything like Rosalie, shopping is about to become a major part of her life."

"Not my Alice," Jasper said confidently. "She's a practical woman."

"I bet she comes home with at least ten bags," Emmett mused.

"Two," Jasper insisted. "One for me, one for her."

"You're forgetting shoes," I put in. "Five, at least."

"Why don't we make a little wager?" Emmett offered. "Ten or more, I win, five to nine you win, four or less Jasper wins."

"I don't have any money," Jasper pointed out.

Emmett laughed. "No problem. The losers have to paint the new room that Esme's going to build."

Jasper shrugged. "That doesn't seem so bad. It would only take a few minutes." _I don't see the point of painting it anyway. Who's going to see it?_

"It isn't the time involved that makes this a good bet," Emmett argued with an evil smile. "Have you _smelled_ fresh paint since becoming a vampire?"

Jasper grimaced. "No, but I see your point. All right, I'm in. Edward?"

I nodded. "You got it. I'll be more than happy to let you two paint my new room for me. Light blue, please, and some crown molding would be nice."

"I'll be happy to paint _you_ light blue," Emmett muttered under his breath. Jasper grinned, the first real smile I had seen from him. It made him look younger.

 _They can actually have fun together_ , he thought. _Amazing._

He seemed to be genuinely surprised. What kind of life had our new brother had, to make him so scarred in so many ways? The easy rapport that Emmett and I shared was completely foreign to him. He kept muttering to himself, mentally, about all the strange emotions that we were letting off. Humor. Feelings of trust, safety… warmth. He was walking physically closer to us now and taking in our emotions eagerly, like a homeless man drawing near to a fire.

"I'm trying to figure out how your gift works, Jasper," I said aloud. "It seems like you're _inhaling_ our emotions, almost."

Jasper's mind seized for a moment, and then he relaxed. _I'm not used to being... analyzed like this._ "You're right," he said aloud. "I think that's as good an analogy as any. Emotions are like air to me. I'm surrounded by them, breathing them in, so to speak. I don't just observe the emotions of those around me, Edward. I _feel_ them. The positive ones, and the negative ones. I can usually separate my own out, but I'm not immune to the effects of what I'm taking in."

Emmett frowned. "So, back when you were in the Wars…"

"It was a difficult environment, for any of us. But for me…. well, let's just say I was incredibly relieved to make my escape. I travelled with the mated pair that I told you about earlier- Peter and Charlotte- for a while, but then I went off alone. I suppose after so many years of living in a cloud of emotions, I wanted some… peace, I guess you could say."

"I can understand that," I said. "I frequently need some space from my family, even though I love them. Sometimes I just need _silence_." Jasper nodded in understanding.

"But," he continued, "that still wasn't enough. I still had to feed, and I was still suffering the emotions of my human victims. In fact, they bothered me even more once I was alone. There was so much emotional silence that their fear and horror hit me that much harder. I tried to feed less often, but I was only ever able to go three days. It was a painful cycle, with no end in sight. I was… depressed, I suppose."

"And then you met Alice?" Emmett guessed.

"And then I met Alice," Jasper said softly. His eyes stared off into the distance, and his conscious thoughts evaporated as he remembered. Alice had raced through this part of their story earlier, but now Jasper's mind lingered on what was no doubt one of his favorite memories. Alice was sitting at the counter of a diner, just hopping off a high stool as Jasper entered. She floated toward him, smiling, and he remembered being afraid for just an instant. But then she reached out her hand…

Jasper's thoughts were so different from anyone's I had observed before- so saturated with emotion surrounding this memory that I could almost _feel_ it myself- the surprise at her touch, the warmth that flowed through him anew.

"She changed my life," Jasper whispered. "No… that's not quite right. She gave me life. She _is_ my life." _She's everything._

I caught my breath, stunned by the intensity of his focus on Alice, and what it did to me. It felt like I was turning inside out, lifting off the ground, immersed in a sea of… something. Jasper's eyes snapped over to me, and everything was gone suddenly as his mind moved on.

"Nothing like it, is there?" Emmett asked. "Being in love. Being a _vampire_ in love." He stopped breathing, remembering the moment Rosalie had picked him up, cradling his broken body in her strong arms. It was a fuzzy human memory, but powerful nonetheless.

"No," Jasper agreed, breathing deeply. "There isn't. You're thinking of Rosalie right now?" Emmett nodded, and they both looked over at me awkwardly.

"I'll leave you two alone," I growled playfully. "Or should I say, the four of you?"

"Edward's never been in love," Emmett said helpfully. "And he _definitely_ hasn't done the deed."

 _There's no need to feel embarrassed_ , Jasper thought, grinning.

"I wasn't feeling…" I began. "Oh, never mind."

"I've been wondering," Emmett said to Jasper, tactfully changing the subject. "How come you've got long hair? I thought you were in the Army when you were changed."

"I was, but I was an officer," Jasper answered. "We didn't often trouble ourselves with the rules that the enlisted men followed. Besides, the main reason for keeping a close cut was because of the lice. Being an officer, I had my own tent. What about you, Emmett? Did you ever serve in the military?"

"No, I couldn't. I thought about the Navy once or twice – I wanted to see the world, and all- but my family needed me."

" _I_ never knew you wanted to be in the Navy, Emmett," I said in surprise.

"Hey, just because you can dig around inside my head doesn't mean you know everything about me."

"What about you, Edward?" Jasper asked. "I suppose you were too young to enlist."

"Yes, I was seventeen. The Great War- World War I, I mean, was going on then. I suppose I was just like every other young man In 1918, dreaming about going off to save the world. My mother would have been heartbroken. But the Spanish Flu decided for me, in the end."

"And then Carlisle found you," Jasper said thoughtfully. "I'm curious about that. Did he ever say why he changed you?"

"He was lonely. He had thought for decades about creating a companion, someone he could teach to respect human life like he did. He was working in the hospital that I was taken to, and my mother was dying, like I was. She asked him to save me, even if it meant doing something that others couldn't do."

"She knew what he was?"

"I don't see how. Maybe it was some kind of sixth sense, or hallucination. Anyway, her request was her dying wish, and it moved him to act. And he said he saw something in me, something good…" I waited for the usual bitterness to fall over me, but it didn't.

Odd.

"Anyway," I continued. "He decided to try it… he wasn't sure he knew how to do it correctly. But here I am."

"And Alice started watching a few years later, so I know about Esme, and the rest," Jasper said. "But I'm still trying to figure Carlisle out. In my experience, the only reason to purposely turn someone is so that they can fight for you."

"That's terrible," I said. "Your creator had no affection for you at all?"

"Maria was… fond of me," Jasper said tightly. "I was her greatest asset, from the moment I awoke. I..." He clenched his teeth, locking down his thoughts. _I'd rather not discuss her._

"I'm sorry, I meant no offense," I said. "But surely you can see that Carlisle is nothing like that."

"Yes, I can see that," he admitted. "Although I'm still trying to understand it."

"He's our father," Emmett said with a shrug. "Our dad. Think of him that way, and it makes a lot more sense."

"I feel that way, too," I added. "From almost the very beginning, Carlisle and I treated each other as father and son."

"So Carlisle created you, and then he told you that you were to stay with him, as his son?"

"No, it wasn't like that at all. I mean, he did say that I needed to stay with him throughout my newborn year, but that I would be free to stay or go as I chose, after that. But I never wanted to leave him. It just felt natural, for both of us. I've never once seen him as anything but my father since then."

"That's always how Alice described him, too," Jasper said with a nod. "I suppose I didn't really believe her until now. Not that I didn't believe her visions; just that I wondered whether her interpretation was correct. Even now, I still don't understand. Why do you all stay with Carlisle and his mate? You're not really children, and you say he's not forcing you to stay."

"We choose to live as a family, together," I explained. "Carlisle and Esme are the parents, in a way, and we're the children, despite whatever age we're playing for the humans. Though Emmett and Rosalie spent a few years off on their own, just recently."

"It wasn't the same, though," Emmett said. "We missed being at home. I even missed _this_ joker," he added, ruffling my hair. I snapped at his hand with my teeth, which made Jasper stiffen again. Emmett and I broke down laughing, and Jasper chuckled as well, after a moment.

 _They really are a family_ , he thought, smiling at the humor and love that he was feeling from Emmett and I. _I don't believe it. Alice was right all along._

* * *

**If you'd like to pause and see how the ladies are doing on their shopping trip, you can check out "1950: First Shopping Trip" in the outtakes!**


	11. Suspicion

**Sorry, but you know me... my "fluff" is rarely without a bit of angst or drama! And let's be honest, messing with Edward's head never gets old :)**

* * *

As we approached the house, Jasper grew quieter. He was wondering whether Alice would be back, and what mood Carlisle would be in. Earlier, he had slung the tattered remains of his shirt over his shoulder as he walked. Now he was trying to put it back on, concerned what Carlisle and Esme would think of his uncivilized appearance.

"Don't worry about it," I told him. "For one thing, Emmett and I come home looking like that all the time." This wasn't exactly true, and Jasper raised one eyebrow, catching me easily in the lie. "Well, sometimes we do. My point is, we're all vampires here, and nobody is going to be upset because of your shirt. Mine is just as ruined. And secondly, Carlisle's not even home."

"How can you tell?" Jasper asked. "We're still pretty far out, aren't we?"

"About three miles. But Carlisle's mind is the one I've been listening to the longest, and so I'm most familiar with it… attuned to it, I mean. It takes very little effort for me to check for his thoughts, even at this distance. He's probably already gone to work."

 _So trusting_ , Jasper marveled. _I may have overdone it._

"Overdone what?" I asked.

"Oh… I mean, I may have been too apprehensive, coming here today. Alice assured me that we would be accepted, but I wasn't so sure. You have to admit, your coven is an unusual one."

"Our _family_ ," I reminded him. "Carlisle has a theory about that. He believes that it's the animal diet that allows us to be so, so…" I searched for the right word.

Jasper cocked his head, fishing for the word as well. "Calm? Civilized?"

" _Human_ ," Emmett said with finality.

"Yes, I think that's it," Jasper said slowly. "Human. When Alice first told me, for example, that Carlisle was a _doctor_ , I seriously wondered whether she was getting the whole picture." I smiled as he silently admitted to wondering whether Carlisle's job at the hospital was really just a front for stealing blood.

"You're not the first one to think that," I said. "When we first met the wolves, they were convinced that Carlisle-"

"Wolves?" Jasper interrupted. "What wolves?"

"Alice missed that?" I wondered. "That's odd. I got the impression that her visions tended to center on important events. Carlisle and I could easily have died that day."

"Back up," Jasper said eagerly. "What _wolves_? How could a pack of animals have threatened _you_?"

"Not wolves," Emmett said, his voice dropping to a ominous whisper. " _Werewolves_. Didn't you know they were real?"

Jasper eyed him suspiciously. _Another one of Emmett's pranks?_ _But he doesn't seem to be lying._ "There were stories… but I always thought those were myths." _Another way for Maria to keep us from deserting._ "You mean there are actual werewolves, here in the United States? Or was this during your world travels?"

"No, this was back in '36, when we lived in Washington State," I answered. "Although we don't believe this group was technically werewolves. They're more like shapeshifters, having the freedom to phase back and forth at will, with no link to the moon. We encountered them on the Olympic Peninsula. I wonder why Alice didn't see _any_ of that."

"You're right, it is odd," Jasper agreed. "But she can't be paying attention all the time. Did you spend a lot of time around these werewolves?"

"Nope, we only met once," Emmett said, his voice hard as he remembered Rosalie's injury. "And like Edward said, we still don't understand how they relate to the werewolves in the stories- they're real, too. Anyway, they smelled awful, like someone had set a dead dog on fire."

"Carlisle and I were alone when we first encountered them," I said, picking up the story. "And the fight began immediately. Whatever this breed's relation to traditional werewolves is, the natural enmity was definitely there; it was like smelling them made us _need_ to fight, and vice versa. There were three of them, and things might have gone very badly if the others hadn't been so close by. Once we were all together, Carlisle somehow managed to calm himself down enough to speak to them, and we were able to draw up a treaty of sorts with them. We divided the peninsula and agreed that we would each keep to our own lands."

"A treaty?" Jasper scoffed. "That sounds like something Carlisle would come up with." _A foolish choice. They should have been eliminated._

"He didn't _want_ to kill them," I said, frowning. "But you're right, it's something only he could have done. The rest of us were too far gone with rage and instinctual hatred. Anyway, after that night we never saw the wolves again. We stuck to our side of the line, and they to theirs."

"I guess that's why Alice never noticed," Jasper said thoughtfully. "Though, like you said, I'm surprised her visions didn't alert her to such a dangerous moment."

We entered the back yard and I showed Jasper where to burn his shirt outside, while I went to change inside. Emmett offered to take him on a more detailed tour of the surrounding woods closer to home, and I decided to run down to Yale to get the Jaguar. Before leaving, I pulled Emmett aside.

"Keep close to the house, will you?" I said quietly. "He can't be anywhere near humans."

_All right._ _This is a switch, isn't it?_ _Me taking care of the newborn!_ _Wonder if he'd mind if I called him that._

"Emmett…"

_Okay, okay!_ _I'll be nice. Poor_ _kid hasn't got a sense of humor… yet._ _I'll fix that soon enough._

"I'm sure you will," I laughed, shoving my keys in my pocket as I began to run. I jumped right up to my top speed, enjoying the force of the wind as it tore through my hair. I soon found myself racing through the spotty woods of Massachusetts. I could just catch the barest hint of my own scent, left over from my escape earlier this week. It must not have rained as much down here.

As I ran past the spot where I had buried my surgical garb, I considered all the things that had happened since I was here last. It had turned out that my "close call" had hurt my patient more than I had realized, and my foray into medical school had come to an abrupt end. Then the thing with Rosalie had happened, and I had decided to leave. But then the truly unexpected had happened, and now it looked like I might suddenly have two new siblings. What a week.

My first reflex had been to delay my departure, because of the threat. Two strange vampires had suddenly descended on us, and both were gifted. It had felt imperative that I stick around in order to observe their thoughts, and to make sure that there was no danger. But after spending several hours with Jasper, at least, I felt better about leaving my family with them. He had a questionable past, of course, but who was I to judge? And true, his eyes were evidence enough of his instability with the diet. But he really was like a newborn, in that way; he would learn. And, granted, he had wasted no time in picking apart our emotions and relationships with one another… that was strange behavior for a nomad, but I supposed he was just protecting his mate. And then there was his fighting prowess, not to mention the sheer power of Alice's gift, and the uncanny timing of their arrival…

I slowed to a walk, frowning. Why had none of these things been bothering me before? Why had Carlisle accepted Jasper and Alice into our home like old friends? We didn't even know these people!

I reviewed the events and conversations of the afternoon, looking at them in a new light. By the time Emmett and I had gotten home, the others had already relaxed around our guests, to the point of giving them _my_ room as soon as Alice asked for it. But how long could they have possibly been there? It couldn't have been more than three hours. And yet in this short time, they seemed to have somehow gained my parents' full trust.

Esme, I could understand. She was such a mother, I could see her being instantly drawn to two young nomads, searching for a home. And Carlisle, I had to admit, was sometimes far too trusting, far too eager to see the good in everyone. But it was odd for him to so easily accept two strangers into the family; he saw it as his duty to protect us, and he had even been _overprotective_ at times, in the past. So why was he just buying everything they said? He hadn't had a single worry as he sent Esme and Rosalie off with Alice. And for Rosalie, of all people, to be so trusting, so easy-going…

Rosalie! My stomach dropped as the memory our fight, and the awful consequences that had followed it, hit me. It felt as if I had forgotten it for a while. The truth was, I had been so distracted by our guests that I supposed I _had_ forgotten it for a while. And Rosalie seemed to have forgotten her anger, as well. I remembered now, thinking how unlike her it was to be so forgiving, so accepting. Where was the grudge, the two weeks of thinking daggers at me? Where was her anger at Carlisle? It was like she had suddenly been a different person.

In fact, _I_ had been like a different person.

I reviewed the afternoon again, focusing on everything that _I_ had said and done. I remembered two instances where I had gotten angry- once at Alice, and once about my room. And in both instances, my anger had literally collapsed in a matter of a few seconds. And not just my anger about those two events; I had been practically empty of the grief, shame, and anger at myself that I had been drowning in for the past two days. Where had it gone, so suddenly? And during the mock fights today, between Emmett, Jasper and I, we had all been so _calm_. Not that Emmett and I got truly angry during our scuffles, but we did get pretty ferocious sometimes. We were often snarling, or snapping our teeth… or at least vibrating with energy, destroying everything in our wake. Not today, though.

What was the matter with everyone? What was the matter with _me_? Why was all this occurring to me now, when I was away from…

I sucked in my breath, spinning to look back northwards as if I could see my family from here. I was away from _Jasper_ now. Now that I was away from him, suddenly all these suspicions, emotions were popping up like they had been asleep. And Jasper was an empath. What exactly did that mean? An empath was someone who had a supernatural ability to sense the emotions of others. A gift, one that Jasper had freely admitted to having. I remembered once hearing Eleazar speak about how the Volturi had classified the gift within their ranks. There were many ways that gifts could be organized, but the two most basic groups were defensive and offensive. An empathic gift was a defensive one, wasn't it? Like my own? The power to observe, to detect… not act. Yes, definitely defensive.

I reviewed the events a third time, focusing on everything Jasper had done, said and thought. I had been observing almost constant activity in his mind, just beneath the conscious layer- that intangible, wordless flashing that meant he was using his gift. I had seen similar flashes of activity in other gifted vampires, though never as constant as I had seen in Jasper. And I had naturally assumed that it was simply his gift processing everyone's emotions. But what if it was something else?

Now that I thought about it, Jasper had spent an inordinate amount of time controlling his thoughts around me today. And it hadn't bothered me at the time, because I was a stranger to him as well; surely he was just uncomfortable having me rifle through his brain. Well, it bothered me _now_. What had he been hiding?

I remembered what he had thought earlier, back when I had told him that Carlisle had gone to work. _So trusting._ _I may have overdone it._ And I had, in what now seemed a sluggish, apathetic way, asked what he meant. He had deflected my question, and I hadn't even bothered to follow up. What, exactly, had he "overdone"? The idea of "doing" implied that something about his gift was offensive, not just defensive. What if he had the power to not only _feel_ emotions, but to create them? _Control_ them? There was that moment earlier in the woods, when I had so clearly been affected by Jasper's love for Alice. I had assumed it was just the difference between my own gift being wrapped up in an empath's mind, versus a regular mind... but what if there _had_ been some sort of mind control going on there? Emotional control, rather? There was also the fact that the feeling had so quickly been taken away, once Jasper had realized how I was being affected.

I anxiously flashed through everything a fourth time, and my theory fit. It explained everything- Carlisle's easy trust, my short-lived anger, Emmett's relative calm during our fights, Rosalie's complete turnaround with me and Carlisle… I had to be right. Jasper had been _controlling_ our emotions the whole time! He had somehow lulled us into such a relaxed state that our family was now spread out to four locations, vulnerable to attack.

But why? Why go through all the trouble of luring us into accepting them? If Jasper wanted to destroy us, why didn't he just make us hate each other, and let us finish ourselves off for him? And what was Alice's role in all this? She seemed so harmless, but what if we weren't getting the whole story about her gift, either? What if there was an offensive component to that, as well? I couldn't even imagine what that would _be_. I wondered again why they had chosen to come this week. Had Alice seen the events of this week, and informed her mate that we were weak, divided? Maybe this had been the best time to strike. Well, they should have waited one more day, because there was no way I was leaving _now_. I was going to get to the bottom of this, immediately. I just hoped I wasn't too late.

.

.

.

I was so close to New Haven that I decided to continue on, instead of running home immediately. I ran right by my car, heading for the main building at the University. I broke into a first floor office, picking up the phone and dialing our home number. I was so tense my hand nearly crushed the receiver as I lifted it to my ear. What if nobody answered? What would I do then?

"Cullen Residence."

"Emmett! Is everything all right there?"

"Of course it is. Why shouldn't it be?"

"Who's there with you?"

"Just Jasper. And let me tell you, brother, I can smell the sweet scent of victory. There's no _way_ the girls are out this long, and coming home with less than ten bags. I was thinking the victor should be allowed to pick the color. How does pink sound to you?"

I sighed, relieved at how calm my brother sounded. Maybe I had been too quick to…

I froze. Of _course_ he was calm; he was still there with Jasper. And I couldn't tell him my suspicion over the phone, in case Jasper was listening. And even if he didn't hear, he would feel Emmett's suspicion, and possibly attack sooner, or do whatever he was he was planning...

Emmett snorted into the phone. "So, why are you calling? Don't tell me you miss me already."

"I… no reason. I just wanted to see if the others were back yet. I'll be home soon." I hung up, wondering what I should do. I ducked back out the window that I had broken and ran back to my car. Well, whatever the plan, I didn't need to be in Connecticut any longer. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I swept the hospital with my gift, searching for John Lewis' mind, or that of his fiancée. I felt guilty now for having forgotten about him all day; yet another grain of evidence that I hadn't been myself.

I finally found Janey's thoughts. She was downstairs in the dining room, chatting with her mother, who had just arrived. She was exhausted, but happy; she was telling her mother all about how well John's recovery was coming along. He was off the oxygen, and had sat up in a chair for a couple of hours this morning…

That was all I heard as I sped away, but that was enough. I sighed in relief, feeling my shoulders relax as I assured myself that I hadn't _completely_ ruined everything this week. I just hoped that I hadn't failed my family, catching the danger that Jasper presented too late. It was my job to keep an eye out for things like this, to monitor the thoughts of the strangers we encountered. I was supposed to be the one who alerted Carlisle to anything unusual. Instead, I had just gotten lured into a false calm along with the rest of them.

Despite my worry, it felt good to push the Jaguar to its top speed. I raced straight up through Connecticut and Massachusetts, keeping an eye on the clock. What was Alice's part in their plan? She was obviously supposed to keep the women away, so that Jasper could… what? It was hard to imagine such a tiny, happy-looking vampire doing anything malicious. But then, there was Jane, whose appearance had _definitely_ been deceiving… I now entertained visions of Volturi involvement, or even worse: a newborn army, following the empathic vanguard in after their targets had been emotionally disabled. Who knew what they were planning? I stepped on the gas again, anxious to return home.

I slowed down a mile away from our house to listen, only to speed up again and continue up Route 5 into New Hampshire, and toward Woodsville. Emmett and Jasper were talking calmly right now, and I saw no evidence that Jasper was planning any sort of attack. Emmett was telling him about our "Vampire Olympics", the sports and games that our family had played back when he was a newborn, as we tried to keep him entertained and away from human blood. Jasper even laughed once, while I was in range. He certainly didn't _seem_ like a man who was waiting for the rest of his army to arrive.

Maybe I was overthinking this. Maybe being around empaths just made people feel calm. Maybe we had all been so distracted by the arrival of our guests, that we had naturally forgotten to continue the family strife that we had been boiling in. Maybe there was no elaborate plan, and Alice really was just a tiny, happy-looking vampire who had visions of the future.

Or maybe… maybe I was second-guessing my doubts because I was closer to Jasper now. When I had asked him what his range was earlier today, that was one of the times I had noticed him controlling his thoughts suddenly. I stepped anxiously on the gas again, flying by the cars unlucky enough to share the road with me. I needed backup.

.

.

.

I hadn't been to Cottage Hospital in over a month. I felt my shame eating at me as I walked into the tiny Emergency Room, wondering if my arrival would stir up any thoughts about my blunder down at Yale. But nobody seemed to notice my presence, other than a couple of the younger nurses, who waved shyly at me and wondered why I hadn't been around lately.

I found Carlisle in one of the exam rooms, discharging a patient. I slowed my frantic pace, quietly murmuring his name to interrupt his lecture on the other side of the curtain. He halted his speech immediately, drawing the curtain aside.

"Edward! What are you doing here? What's the matter?"

"I need to speak with you. In private. _Now._ "

He frowned and handed the discharge papers to the nurse. "Finish up with Mr. Davis, would you, Donna? Thank you." He led me to a semi-private office behind the Emergency Room and closed the door. "Now, what's happened?"

I drew a deep breath. "I think our visitors may not be as innocent as they've led us to believe. Jasper, especially." I explained my observations and suspicions as quickly as possible. As I spoke, Carlisle flitted through his own memories of the day, including the hours that I hadn't been there.

"There, you see?" I interrupted, pointing to his head as he remembered the moment when Alice had convinced Esme to hand over my room. "That's what I mean. Esme was reluctant, for just a moment, and then she was suddenly willing. And I know for a fact that she was worried about me this morning. She would never have done that, if there wasn't something funny going on."

Carlisle wrinkled his brow. "I thought you said you didn't mind about the room."

"This isn't about the _room!_ This is about our family being drugged into lethargically accepting a pair of dangerous, gifted vampires into our midst without a second thought!"

"Calm down, Edward! Now, I admit, your observations do point to something curious. But I hardly think they've come to kill us all, son. What would be the point?"

"Jasper himself said that he used to lead vampires into battle, over territory."

"What territory? Those battles were fought to assert control over hunting grounds of _human_ blood. We hold no such claim to this area. And if he was planning something, I hardly think he would have confessed to having such a violent past. Have you actually observed anything in his thoughts about some ulterior motive, or plan for takeover?"

"Well… no. But Alice is already an expert at hiding her thoughts from me, and Jasper is learning fast. And what I _did_ see in his thoughts wasn't exactly comforting."

"What? What did you see?"

"Slaughter," I hissed. "I've only observed his mind for, what, five hours? And in that time, I've seen memories of him killing at least four vampires in battle. One of them was a young girl, fifteen years old!"

"You said yourself that we shouldn't judge him for his past," Carlisle said softly. _And you also pointed out that we've all done things we aren't proud of, remember?_

"That's beside the point! You should have seen him this afternoon, Carlisle. He was asking all sorts of questions about you, about our family, about our past…"

"Well, of course he was! He and Alice have come to join our…" He stepped back mentally, looking through his memories again with the lens of my suspicion. "It is a bit odd, isn't it?" he murmured. "I let them right in the door, and I let the female go out with Esme and Rosalie without a second thought."

"Exactly! And consider my own behavior, and Rosalie's. You know I've had a difficult week, and you know how angry she was just this morning. Can you honestly say you've ever seen either of us this calm following such a confrontation, or in my case, such a disaster?"

"Yes… now that you mention it, I've been wondering how you managed to be so quickly at peace with your, ah, situation. Though to be honest, you seemed that way this morning, _before_ they arrived."

"I…" I couldn't tell him the full truth about that; the truth was, that I had already been at peace this morning because I had already made my decision to leave. Nor could I tell him about the biggest irony of all: their arrival on the very day that I had been planning to leave. "Maybe he was also lying about his range," I said quickly. "Maybe he was working on us long before they arrived."

Carlisle looked doubtful. "I don't know, son. I have a hard time believing that they would have gone through all this trouble, for _any_ reason. Maybe he was just calming everyone in order to minimize the chance for a confrontation. Maybe he just wants us to trust them."

"Maybe you're right," I sighed, feeling embarrassed now about my wilder guesses. "But even if it is just that, he's still deceiving us. And I still want to know the truth, don't you? Preferably _before_ the female gets home. I can only guess what they've been hiding about _her_ gift."

"Yes, I think we'd better do that. Let's call home."

I shook my head. "I did that earlier, just to see if Emmett was all right."

"And?"

"He was as happy as a clam, naturally. Of course, Jasper was sitting right there, so I couldn't say anything."

_But if we go home now, and Jasper is doing something to control the emotional environment, we'll be susceptible again ourselves._

"I… hadn't thought of that," I said glumly. "Although I think if we hurry in, we won't be as affected. The times I got angry around him before, there was a delay of a few seconds before I calmed down… it still felt unnatural, in retrospect, but not instantaneous. And I was still able to get angry in the first place, so I don't think he has complete control… not yet, anyway."

"Let's hope not," Carlisle sighed, opening the office door and stepping back out into the Emergency Room. _I certainly hope we're wrong._ _I hate to think that they've been deliberately deceiving us, even if their intentions are good._ _I'm not sure how I should deal with them, if that ends up being the case._

He set the thought aside and started coughing loudly. I turned back to him, confused, but he just winked at me, mussing his immaculate hairline with one hand. "Ken," he called weakly to a doctor who was passing by, "I think I'd better head on home. Turns out that flu wasn't the twenty-four hour kind, after all." His voice was tired and raspy, and his coworker turned around, concerned.

"You look awful, Carlisle," he said, frowning. "I _told_ you not to come back to work with that fever."

"I haven't got a fever," Carlisle protested. "I'm _freezing._ " He coughed again, and Ken strode over to us, feeling Carlisle's hand.

 _His hands are like ice!_ "Go home," he ordered. "I don't want to see you back here for at least three days."

"If you insist," Carlisle sighed. "Edward, would you drive me home? I'm feeling a little dizzy."

"Okay, Dad," I said, hiding my own smile. The other doctor noticed me for the first time, frowning again.

"Better get the kid to bed, too," he added. "He looks just as sick as you do."

.

.

.

 _The power of suggestion_ , Carlisle thought as we left the building. _It's an amazing thing, isn't it?_ _You tell the humans one little thing, and they do the rest for you._

"I don't see why he thought _I_ was sick," I scowled. "Come on, let's get home."

Carlisle and I drove side by side with our windows down, except for when we came across other drivers. "The more I think about it, the less I think there's any danger," he said. "And besides, it was Esme's idea to go shopping, not Alice's."

"Unless the idea was planted in her mind somehow," I said. "Power of suggestion?"

He smiled at the road ahead. "Edward, I seriously doubt that a shopping trip is part of some grand military scheme."

"Okay… I agree that sounded a little absurd." It was a good thing I hadn't told him about my newborn army theory.

We drove in silence for a while as Carlisle wrestled with his options, in case our suspicions were correct. Alice and Jasper weren't his children, despite Alice's claim; he didn't feel he had any right to discipline them or send them away, as long as Jasper would agree to be more forthright. On the other hand, they were the ones who had inserted themselves into our family. To show weakness here, at the very beginning, would only invite more trouble. And now that Carlisle was outside of Jasper's possible influence, he was worrying more about how to manage Jasper himself. He was thinking of new questions he wanted to ask, and wondered exactly what Jasper's intentions were. He was far older than all of us, excluding Carlisle himself. And considering his past, it was possible that Jasper _was_ planning on challenging Carlisle in his position as coven leader.

"Now there's a phrase I haven't heard in a while," I said from my car. "'Coven leader'?"

"I don't like thinking of myself that way," he said uncomfortably. "But in this situation, it applies. The vast majority of Jasper's experience hasn't been anything like ours. He seems to be quite lost in our 'family' setting. In fact, it sounds like he's never even been in a normal coven. His creator sounds more like a general than a mother."

"Yes, he asked Emmett and me a few things about you, after you left. He's confused by your leadership style, and he's trying to understand the whole 'father' thing. I mean, I _thought_ he was trying to understand, back when I was with him. Now I'm not sure what to think."

"Well, we'll soon know more." _I'll have to tread carefully with this._ _Even with his age and vast military experience, Jasper is out of his element here._ _And even if he might be more qualified than me-_

"Stop right there," I growled. "He is not more _qualified_ than you. He doesn't know the first thing about the kind of life we live."

"Please, Edward, let me think. I meant in terms of combat, of defending our family. If our visitors do stay forever, and there ever does come a time where we need to fight, it may be appropriate to have Jasper serve as our 'general', as it were. I will gladly surrender my authority to him in that particular scenario… once he's earned my trust. But in every other way, he will need guidance. In some ways, he will need far more than any of you have, because of how much he will need to unlearn. And I've already seen hints that his human life was troubled, as well, in terms of his relationship with his real father. It may take some time for him to trust me, and to adjust to our... structure, as a family. I think for the time being, it may be easier for him to think of me as the coven leader."

I nodded, impressed. How did Carlisle always manage to pick up more than I did about these things? And he wasn't even a mind-reader!

"We're close enough now," Carlisle said, slowing down. "What are you hearing?"

I slowed down as well, straining to hear Jasper's mind. Emmett's was easy, because I was so familiar with it. When I did find Jasper, I noticed that his gift was far less active than it had been earlier.

"He's down in the living room reading," I reported. "And worrying about Alice- he thought she'd be back by now. Emmett's in his room, fixing that squeaky hinge."

_Any evidence of him influencing Emmett?_

"No… whatever was going on earlier, it's stopped."

"How can you tell?" _Remember, it's possible that we're already being affected._ _We don't know his true range, if he was lying about that before._

"No, this part is cut and dry," I replied. "When I observe the mind of a gifted vampire, there are these… flashes, I guess you could call them, when that vampire's gift is active. No words that I can overhear, just… instinct."

"You've never told me that before," Carlisle said curiously. "Are you thinking of Eleazar, when he was helping you refine your gift?"

"Mostly, yes. Although I remember seeing a similar thing going on in Demetri's mind, back when he and Jane visited us. In the beginning, when he was… you know, _memorizing_ me, or whatever it is he does. And Kate, when she did that experiment with us back in 1919. Anyway, I noticed earlier that Jasper's gift was almost constantly active. I just assumed that he was constantly processing everyone's emotions. But now I'm wondering if that was him using the offensive part of his gift."

"If there is one," Carlisle added.

"Right. Ready to go in?"

"Yes. And if there is any kind of confrontation, I want you to stay close to me. We may not be able to count on Emmett, if Jasper's been influencing him." _I mean it, Edward._ _Jasper would be a lethal opponent, and you will NOT engage him alone._ _Understood?_

I nodded, and we headed up the driveway, parking side by side. Jasper appeared in the living room window, one eyebrow cocked curiously.

 _Judging by the phone call and your apprehension, I'm guessing you've figured it out by now._ He showed me his memory of halting my anger earlier, when I had yelled at Alice. Only this time, his involvement in my sudden change was obvious.

I nodded. "We were right," I said aloud. "He's been manipulating us. He just admitted it."

_Any evidence of hostility?_

"No."

Carlisle sighed, squared his shoulders, and headed into the house. I followed right behind him, feeling immeasurably thankful that I would never have to be a father.


	12. Second Chance

**Thank you to whilewewereyetsinners and strawberry4evr, who helped me out a bit with this chapter. And zveka, who's been helping me pick apart Jasper's personality. Enjoy!**

* * *

Jasper met us in the living room. His mind was racing as he took stock of Carlisle's mood. _I thought he would be angrier… I just don't understand._

My own anger dropped so suddenly that I became suspicious. But Jasper was focused completely on Carlisle, and I was beginning to see the difference in how his gift operated. He was only sensing now; the brighter flashes that I had seen earlier were gone. It annoyed me, though, that he could already tell he wasn't really in danger. I had hoped that he would be more defensive, or at least have the decency to pretend to be ashamed. I crossed my arms, waiting to see how this would play out.

Carlisle walked right up to Jasper, stopping mere inches in front his face. He held himself tall, his face stern. _Is he controlling me right now?_

"No."

Jasper was holding himself at attention before Carlisle, ready to spring away if needed. "I apologize if I caused offense," he said carefully. "I want you to know that Alice had nothing to do with it."

"We'll speak with Alice later," Carlisle said quietly. "Right now, I want you to explain to me why you felt the need to control our emotions, and why you felt it was necessary to hide the truth from us about your gift."

Jasper lifted his chin defiantly, clasping his hands behind his back. "It was my responsibility to take precautions. Alice is not trained in combat, and she has no offensive power. I was determined to protect her in every way I know how. Wouldn't you do the same if you and Esme were approaching a large coven, unannounced?"

"Why were you apprehensive?" Carlisle asked, his brow furrowed. "Alice has been observing us for years. Surely she told you how peaceful we are."

Jasper relaxed slightly, and I saw a brief memory of Alice smiling, assuring him that everything would be fine. "She told me, yes. And I trusted her enough to come here, to put her at risk in order to give her the life she has always wanted. But Alice is young, naïve. She has no experience with any vampires except myself, and not even the memories of associating with her fellow humans. I trust the accuracy of her visions, but I thought…" he paused, glancing back at Emmett, who had just entered the room. "I thought she must have been interpreting some of her visions incorrectly… missing things. You've seen how positive, how trusting she is. I couldn't imagine that her hopeful interpretation of her visions told the whole story."

"What's going on?" Emmett asked.

"Jasper was not fully honest with us about the nature of his gift," Carlisle explained.

"He's been controlling our emotions from the minute they got here," I added, scowling over at Jasper.

Emmett shrugged. "I know."

"What do you mean, you _know_?" I asked, uncrossing my arms slowly.

"Jasper told me, while you were gone."

"I should clarify something," Jasper said. "I am not capable of _controlling_ anyone's emotions. Influence, yes. It's easiest to intensify an emotion that is already felt. I can also decrease existing emotional states, or generate new ones. But my power is limited... and fleeting, as Edward so quickly discovered. I never intended to extend any sort of permanent control over anyone here. I merely used my gift upon our arrival to minimize the danger."

"There was no _danger_ ," I said, "other than that which you brought with you. You are by far the most dangerous vampire here!"

Jasper smiled slightly. "That's a matter of opinion. But as I said, I was reluctant to accept Alice's faith in this coven's civility. I'm sure you can understand, Carlisle, that my… upbringing… was nothing like that which you are giving your 'children.' In my experience, the only reason to purposely create a vampire is so that they can serve you in some way. Alice's visions only began in 1920, and it wasn't until two years later that she learned to really control her gift, to seek out any certain person at will. Neither of us had any way of knowing what your past was, or why you changed Edward, or if you'd really been following the animal diet for long, or anything. She's been piecing together your history over the years, using snatches of observations and conversations she's observed. I truly believed that she had to be missing quite a lot."

"Like what?"

"Take Edward, for example," Jasper replied, nodding in my direction. "He said that I was the most dangerous vampire here, but from my perspective, _he_ is. Edward's gift makes him, by any reckoning, one of the most powerful vampires in existence. If someone like him had been created in the South, he would have been used as a tool to gain power and to ensure the loyalty of those beneath him. I can only imagine how he would have used that power for _himself_. It would have been a simple matter to assassinate his creator and become the leader of his own army."

"Ridiculous," I scoffed.

"Edward would never have done those things, no matter who created him," Carlisle said firmly. "And what does this have to do with Alice 'missing things' about us?"

"I'm just telling you what things came to my mind when I first heard of his talent," Jasper said. "Alice was quick to set me straight, of course; but she could have easily missed a more benign version of those things, taking place in this coven. I naturally assumed that Edward would be using his gift to ensure his position as your second-in-command, just without the violence that I mentioned before; you know, blackmail, spying on the others for you, that sort of thing."

"Naturally," I growled. "I'm pleased to hear you had such faith in me."

"Why should have I faith in you?" Jasper asked, raising an eyebrow. "I had never even met you. In my world, underestimating your enemy—especially a gifted one—was equivalent to signing your own death warrant."

"I think I'm beginning to understand why you were so apprehensive," Carlisle said slowly. "And I'm beginning to see how foreign our coven must seem to you."

Jasper cocked his head. "Coven? I thought you considered this a family, Carlisle."

"I do," Carlisle said. "Esme isn't just my mate; she's my wife. And I love and cherish each of my children as though they were my own flesh and blood. I am merely attempting to use terms that you are familiar with. Though I am curious, Jasper; if you had these suspicions about us, why did you come at all? It sounds like you were afraid to expose yourself and your mate to what you seemed to consider a dangerous situation."

"Because I _do_ trust Alice," Jasper said softly. "These were only my earliest suspicions, you understand. The more she told me, and the more visions she saw in my company, the more at odds my suspicions seemed with what she was seeing. Just as I suspected her visions weren't telling her the whole picture, I knew that my instincts and my experience were limiting _my_ understanding. Why would a vampire as gifted as Edward continue to live as a subordinate, when he could have easily turned the others against you years ago? Why would a natural fighter like Emmett be so peaceable and obey your mate as if she were really his mother? Alice once had a vision of Emmett committing some silly transgression—it was some prank involving deer blood, and a load of laundry…"

"Ha!" Emmett laughed. "I remember that. Ooh, she was _mad_!" I smiled as well, despite myself. Emmett had been particularly bored that day in 1937, and still relatively young: not a good combination.

"That's my point exactly," Jasper said. "Alice saw her scolding you from six inches away, her finger in your face without a hint of visible fear. How would that be possible, if you weren't really the gentle giant that Alice insisted you were?"

"Gentle giant," Emmett snorted. _Not sure I like that one._

"Anyway, it was things like that that made me believe in Alice's vision for her future here… for _our_ future here," he added hesitantly, looking back to Carlisle. "But not enough to enter the engagement without precautions. I would never disclose the truth about my offensive power to anyone who I did not consider a close friend." He paused. "In fact, I've only ever _had_ one friend, in the past. And he already knew the truth, from working with me."

"Peter?" I asked.

Jasper nodded. "It took me years to come to trust Peter with any sort of… vulnerability. In fact, I didn't realize the bond we had until the night he escaped with his mate."

"And yet you are being honest with us now," Carlisle pointed out. "And you only met us today. Why?"

"I suppose my suspicions were quickly laid to rest earlier today… after my time in the woods with Edward and Emmett, especially. My gift allowed me to see the comfort they felt in each other's company- something I never would have seen if my suspicions had been correct. And of course, I had already had Alice's assurance that everything would be fine."

"So that's why Jasper told me the truth earlier," Emmett put in. "He said he had seen, I mean _felt_ enough to know that he could trust us."

"I'm going to be honest," Jasper told Carlisle, holding himself more stiffly. "I had a feeling that Edward was close to figuring out the truth when he left earlier. In fact, I'm surprised it took him as long as it did. This is why I told Emmett first, to show my good intentions."

"In other words," I muttered, "you wouldn't have come clean so fast if you didn't think I was already on my way to rat you out."

Jasper nodded, still facing Carlisle. "And I'm admitting it now because Alice has told me how much you value honesty."

"That is true," Carlisle said, his face inscrutable. "Which is why I was very disturbed to learn about your deception. You speak of coming to trust us, but it occurs to me that we have no reason to trust _you_."

Jasper grinned so suddenly that Carlisle blinked. "I'm sorry," he said, quickly dropping his smile. "I realize I've offended you, and that you have every right to send us away. It's just that with that statement, you've laid my last suspicion to rest."

"Which is?"

Jasper suddenly looked uncertain. _How should I say this?_ _Honestly, I suppose._ "That you were a weak leader. That the only reason the others haven't killed you or left you is because they didn't need to _bother_. Even five minutes ago, as you entered the house, I could tell that you were feeling uncertain, and hardly angry at all, considering the offense I've committed against you and your coven. My experience told me that this was because you were weak, that you feared confronting me."

"I did fear it," Carlisle said with a frown. "I feared that you would manipulate me again. And the more I learn, the more I fear that allowing you to stay anywhere near my family may be inviting trouble."

Jasper visibly shrunk, disappointment clouding his features. "I see. I am… gratified to learn that I was wrong about you, Carlisle," he said quietly. "I can see now that you are not weak at all… at least not in the way I thought. Alice will be disappointed, but I'll explain things to her. Perhaps we could return in a few years, with your permission…"

Carlisle held up his hand. "You misunderstand me, Jasper. I am not sending you and Alice away."

"You're not? But you're feeling resolved, and you're still angry." _Your kind of angry, anyway._

"I am? Yes, I suppose I am. I am angry that despite how much you knew about us, you still decided to manipulate us. I'm angry that you took away our freedom to come to trust you and your mate in a natural manner—trust which must now be earned uphill."

"I understand," Jasper said, nodding. "I am grateful for your candor, and for your acceptance."

"What acceptance?" Carlisle asked, frowning. _I haven't made a decision yet._

"You…" Jasper hesitated, looking at me for help. "I'm confused. Are you letting us stay or not?"

"Jasper believes that your emotions are indicating your full acceptance," I explained to Carlisle.

Carlisle shook his head. "My emotions are irrelevant, Jasper. I may feel _trusting_ , but that does not mean that I _trust_ you. I admit that my instincts—now free of your influence—are telling me to accept you. But it would be unwise to freely welcome you and your mate into my family, without getting to know you both further. I, personally, am willing to let you stay, on a trial basis. But the final decision cannot be made until I have spoken with everyone. Edward, Emmett?" He looked up at us in question.

"Fine by me," Emmett said easily. _That mood thing could come in handy. M_ _aybe he could help Rose sometimes..._

"I'm sure she'd _love_ that," I said, rolling my eyes. Then I turned to Carlisle. "I have no objections," I said. If he felt that trusting our newcomers was worth another try, I wouldn't get in his way. I had ruined enough things this week. And I was inclined to trust Jasper again, as well, somewhat. His explanations made sense, at any rate, and I would be around to keep a sharp eye on his mind.

Jasper's eyebrows rose, looking between Carlisle and myself. _That's interesting._ "Thank you," he said quietly.

Carlisle looked relieved; he had been holding his breath until my answer. "We will discuss this with Esme and Rosalie when they return. As I said, I am not offering my trust yet, Jasper, nor my friendship. Those things, I hope, will come in time. But I am offering you a second chance, as long as there are no objections from the ladies. I am offering this chance with the expectation that there will be no further deception."

"They're just coming up the driveway now," I put in.

Jasper nodded again. "I'm grateful, Carlisle. And you have my word that I will not use my gift again."

Carlisle looked confused again. "What do you mean?"

"Not the sensory portion," Jasper qualified. "Edward can verify that I can't help that. But I will not use my influence on your coven… your _family_ again."

"Jasper, I'm not asking you to change who you are," Carlisle said slowly. "Your gift is a vital part of your identity, and I would never take that away from you. I am only asking that you not deceive us again."

Jasper nodded again. _That makes sense._ _He will want to use me to influence the others, when needed._

"He's not going to _use_ you to do anything," I said in exasperation. Didn't he understand yet?

"Use you?" Carlisle echoed sadly. "Jasper…"

But the front door flew open, and Alice tumbled inside, two shopping bags in each hand. "Hi, everyone!" she sang, dropping the bags and leaping across the room into Jasper's arms. He caught her and pulled her close, burying his face in her hair and inhaling deeply.

_At last!_

Rosalie and Esme entered as well. "I'm glad you all are home," Carlisle began. "We have an—"

"—important matter to discuss," Alice finished. "Don't worry, I was watching the whole time, and everyone's caught up."

"And we vote yes," Esme said, wrapping an arm around Alice, whom Jasper had just set back down. "Of course you can stay. We understand you were just nervous at first, Jasper. Don't we, Rosalie?"

"Yes," Rosalie sighed. Jasper studied her for a moment, and then turned to Carlisle, taking Alice's hand in his own.

Carlisle opened his mouth, but Jasper cleared his throat and spoke first. "I feel there is something I must share with you all, before you make your decision to welcome us into your… home."

He looked suddenly unsure of himself, looking down at Alice. _This may be too much for them._ _But she's so happy…_

"It'll be fine," she promised, squeezing his hand. Her mind was dancing with visions, each featuring her and Jasper relaxing along with their new family. The pictures were flickering, but clear. _Still looks good… I think._ "You should tell them everything now."

Carlisle nodded, wary again. _Now what?_

"I mentioned earlier today that I fought in the Southern Wars," Jasper began. "What I did not mention was that I fought in them for eighty years. I was…" he took a deep breath. "I was the commander of my army. Maria was always in charge, but she didn't often take the field herself. I was usually the one who led the newborns into battle."

Carlisle's mind flinched, but he kept his face steady. "You didn't know there was another way," he said softly.

"No, I didn't," Jasper agreed. "But I took pride in my victories, nonetheless. My gift gave me power, Carlisle, both in battle and over my subordinates. I used it to keep my army as calm, as civilized as possible, but I also used it to induce fear… both in my enemies and in my own ranks. I never once hesitated to use my gift as a weapon to achieve my goals."

"You mean Maria's goals," I said, hoping I was right.

Jasper shrugged slightly. "Like Carlisle said, I didn't know there was another way to live. It was kill or be killed. Maria created me to serve her, and so I did; it was the only life I knew. I became the deadliest fighting machine that the Wars has ever seen. I helped organize the strongest, most efficient army in North and Central America." He said it easily, without arrogance; it was simply the truth, it seemed. "The fact that I did it as Maria's lieutenant doesn't matter."

"It _does_ matter," Esme said kindly.

"And now that life is behind you," Alice said, planting a kiss on Jasper's sleeve. "You always hated killing. I could see that, from the very beginning."

"Hated it, yes," he agreed. "But it was necessary. And…" he took another deep breath, glancing at Carlisle. "One final thing. I didn't just kill my enemies."

I gasped as I saw the images flooded his mind: memories of leading a single vampire away from the others, and the brutal execution that followed. "You killed your own _men_?" I asked in shock.

"Men… women, half-grown children. Anyone Maria had changed to serve her… to serve _us_ ," he said in a faraway voice. I saw his memories of executions like the flipping pages in a book, one after the other: there were _hundreds_. He had killed _hundreds_ of vampires this way, and not one had been in battle. Not one of them had seen it coming, or had the chance to defend themselves. He had just… _slaughtered_ them. What kind of man _was_ this?

"Why would you do such a thing?" Carlisle asked.

"It was standard procedure," Jasper said, his attention returning the present. "You've created vampires, Carlisle. You know how the extra strength and speed deteriorates after the year mark."

"Yes," Carlisle said. He sounded sick. I was feeling sick, myself. Now that Jasper was done controlling his memories around me, I was beginning to see what a huge role violence had played in his long life. The more I watched, the more I didn't want to see.

"Most of our soldiers didn't make it to the year mark," Jasper continued. "About twenty percent, I'd say. But when they did, their usefulness came to an end. It took a lot of blood to keep an army our size fed, and we didn't have the luxury of keeping those alive who weren't worth their keep."

Esme shook her head, unbreathing. Rosalie was trembling with fury, so much that Jasper winced. "Shall I calm her?" he asked Carlisle.

"Don't you _dare,_ " Rosalie said. "It's bad enough you've spent your whole life slaughtering your own kind, as well as humans! Keep your emotional tentacles to yourself!"

Jasper ignored her, waiting for Carlisle's instruction.

"No, Jasper," he said firmly. "If she doesn't want your assistance, you must respect her wishes."

"Show them, Jazz," Alice whispered, suddenly tense.

"I've already shown Edward and Emmett," he protested. "I don't think Esme will want to see that." _I don't think I want Carlisle to see, either._ _He's getting angrier every second, as it is. My scars will just serve to illustrate how the life I've led is the complete opposite of his own._ I could tell that Jasper was fighting hard now to keep his word about not manipulating us; his gift was aching to act, instinctually needing to protect himself and his mate. Every muscle in his body was tense with readiness as well, but he continued to hold himself upright, standing respectfully before Carlisle. It was this control that made me finally feel an ounce of respect for him.

"You have to," Alice said, her grip tightening on his hand. Her visions were flashing anxiously, the pictures extending along two paths: one set of pictures, I had seen a few moments ago: her and Jasper, relaxing with our family. The other set was of just them, alone and traveling again.. and looking very unhappy. Both futures were flickering—with uncertainty, I supposed—although the one where they stayed with us was more constant.

"See what?" Carlisle demanded. _Surely there isn't more?_

Jasper grimaced, reaching up to unbutton the borrowed shirt. Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie gasped in horror as he slid the fabric off of his shoulders, and Alice gently turned Jasper around so they could see everything. I was surprised as well; I hadn't seen much of his back the first time, since he had still been uneasy about that sort of thing earlier today. The white plane of his back was surprisingly free of bite marks; I supposed it wasn't the sort of surface that was easy to bite. But there were six deep gashes extending from his right shoulder down to his left hip, all parallel and very close together; if I didn't know it was impossible, I would think that he had been whipped. His entire back was divided into two diagonal halves by the scars.

Emmett saw it, too. His words echoed in Alice's mind as he began to speak them. "What's that one, on your back?" he asked.

Jasper's jaw clenched as he quickly donned the shirt again. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, hard. "That was for letting Peter escape."

Carlisle was horrified. "Are you saying that your creator did that to you? With her _teeth_?!"

"Yes."

I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing that the action would stop Jasper's memories from assaulting me. He cut the scene short for my sake, but not before I heard Maria's harsh whisper in his ear, right before she sunk her teeth into his shoulder and tore her way down his back: _This is better than you deserve, you traitor!_ I shuddered, and Jasper apologized mentally, replacing the memory with Alice's face.

Esme broke away from Carlisle then, and Jasper froze as she threw her arms around him. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she cried, pressing her face into his shoulder. _It's all so horrible!_ _He's been through so much!_ _I just want to make it all go away._ He looked down at her in shock, his gift buzzing with sensory activity.

 _The pity I expected, but love?_ _For me? Already?_ He was still staring at Esme in confusion when she finally pulled away from him, retreating back to Carlisle's side.

Carlisle himself was unsure what to think. He didn't want to retract his offer, but the thought of ever leaving Esme at home with Jasper made him uneasy; there was just so much violence spinning around in his head, he didn't know what to think. But he also was thinking along the same lines as Esme: that after such a horrible life, Jasper finally had the chance to live in peace, and that our family could offer him the home he had been needing for so long.

But Alice gave a little strangled cry; her visions had just changed. Their future here was now flickering out of existence. A new vision appeared, of us all standing here in the living room.

_"_ _I'm fine with Alice staying here," Rosalie said._ _"_ _But I'm voting no for Jasper._ _I'm sorry, Carlisle, but that's the way I feel about it._ _Maybe you don't care about keeping our family safe, but I do._ _He can't be trusted."_

_"_ _Rose," Emmett said in a pleading voice._

_"_ _No," Rosalie repeated, crossing her arms._ _Carlisle nodded sadly, turning to Jasper._

_"_ _I'm sorry," he said, his eyes downcast._ _"_ _But I think it's best if we part ways… for now, at least. Perhaps in a few years, as you said..."_

Alice turned to me with fear in her eyes. Rosalie opened her mouth to speak.

"I'm fine with—"

"Wait," I interrupted. "I want to say something before we vote."

All eyes turned to me, and I looked at Alice curiously, my words already playing out in her mind. She gave me a hopeful smile, nodding encouragingly as her visions of staying eased back into place.

_"_ _I think I can speak for all of us…"_

"I think I can speak for all of us, Jasper, when I say that we're a little taken aback about everything you've told us. And I know you understand why we're hesitant to trust you, especially after the way you manipulated us earlier. And now we learn that you were purposely withholding information about your past, as well as about your gift, when you told your story earlier today."

Jasper nodded politely, and Rosalie murmured her angry agreement.

"But I think we all need to remember," I said in a clearer voice, "that we have all been given second chances in the past. And we have all done things we're not proud of." I caught Rosalie's eyes. She clenched her teeth as she remembered the two innocent men she had killed. "I can see Jasper's memories," I continued. "I see too much violence and death. But I can also see how much he hated killing. I can see that he left that life, without a moment's hesitation, once he discovered that there was another way. Now he's trying to live a new kind of life, sparing humans as Alice has taught him… as we have taught him, through her visions. And we all just saw that his biggest scar was won not during battle, but during an act of compassion. Jasper," I said turning to him. "I won't lie to you… not that I could, anyway. I don't feel that I can trust you yet, not really. But you have my vote, and my welcome."

"And mine," Emmett and Esme said together.

Carlisle just nodded his assent, smiling at me proudly. _I couldn't have said it better myself, Edward._ _Thank you._

Rosalie finally looked up, a small smile spreading over her face as she saw Alice's triumphant grin. "And mine," she murmured. "For now."

"You have your second chance," Carlisle said to Alice and Jasper. "So you are welcome to stay, for now, on the condition that there will be no more deception."

"We promise," Alice said, her eyes sparkling. Jasper nodded his own agreement.

"As I have already said," Carlisle continued. "We want to get to know you both better. I'm off work for the next three days, and we are all going to be spending a lot of time together. Especially you and me, Jasper. I'm sure I will have more questions, and I also have some ideas on how we can help you in your struggle with the animal diet. And I have one final condition," he added, looking Jasper in the eye. "I realize that our family is unusual, as covens go. And I realize that our foreignness is only intensified by the unusual experience that _you've_ had. But my condition is that I want you to truly make yourself at home. I want you to relax, and I want you to use your gift to soak in the positive feelings that come along with our humane lifestyle, as well as our family bonds. I want you to see, with your own eyes and gift, what it means to be a family—what it means to live in peace with others. And I want you to enjoy yourself. Do you think you can do that?"

A small smile tugged at the side of Jasper's mouth. "I don't know how," he admitted, his voice thickly accented with emotion. "But I can surely try."


	13. Brothers and Sisters

**Thank you again for all the wonderful reviews! They mean so much to me, especially when you guys take the time to review different parts of each chapter. (And a special thank you to all the guests who have been reviewing!)**

**Now. This is one of those chapters where not much "happens", but it's important nonetheless. Some of you have noticed how "emotionally chaotic" the characters have been in the last couple chapters... and yes, that's intentional, and will explained here in the beginning. This chapter is chaotic in a different way, as the three gifted siblings learn how to interact with each other. Hope you enjoy!**

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"Now that we're all straightened out," Carlisle said, turning to Esme, "I'd like to take my lovely wife out to dinner."

Esme smiled and accepted his offered hand, her other hand touching her throat. "Will you all be all right without us for a while?" she asked, looking around the room.

"Yes," Rosalie sighed. _I hope. Still, there's safety in numbers._

Carlisle gave me a meaningful look as he and Esme headed out by way of the garage. _We won't be far- just inside the White Mountains. Send Rosalie to get us if there's any trouble._ I nodded slightly, and he disappeared.

"Hunting shoes?" Jasper asked.

Emmett grinned. "You're catching on. Although Rose has been known to hunt in high heels!"

"I only did that once," Rosalie grumbled.

"And it was hilarious," I snorted.

_Nobody asked you!_

I sighed, remembering that she was angry with me again- or still was, now that Jasper was done drugging her. It was rather a shame; she had been so _pleasant_ earlier. As a matter of fact, so had I.

"Jasper," I said aloud, "I'm curious about something. You were keeping us all calm in the beginning, yes?"

"Yes… among other things. Feelings of trust, peace, pity… though I had to do far less than I had anticipated."

"I see. Well, I can understand why I wasn't calm after I drove away. And I can understand why I wasn't able to feel suspicious until then. But why…" I frowned, unsure of how to say it. I wasn't exactly used to discussing my emotions out loud. "I'm feeling… disoriented, I suppose."

"Emotionally dizzy?" Jasper suggested.

"That's it exactly. I was calm around you, and then when I drove away, I felt so incredibly suspicious that I was coming up with all sorts of scenarios."

"Such as?"

"I… I suppose my imagination got a little carried away. I was even wondering if you might be deadening our instincts so that a newborn army could attack."

Emmett's booming laugh filled the room. "That's very creative," Jasper said with a one-sided smile. "So you're wondering why your emotions were so volatile, after getting out of my range?"

"Yes. I was calm, then outrageously suspicious, then calm again, then angry, then…"

"I felt the same way," Rosalie admitted, "when we went shopping. Like my emotions were confused."

Jasper nodded. "It happens sometimes, when a person has been under my constant influence, and then suddenly leaves my range. I think of it as emotional kickback. My apologies."

"He really didn't mean any harm," Alice reminded us. "He was just being overprotective."

"I know," Emmett said cheerfully. "I would probably do the same thing if it was me and Rose. I mean, if I had a gift like that. How does it work, anyway? Like how do you make someone feel calm?"

Jasper shrugged. "I don't know. How do I do it, Edward? You've seen my mind in action."

"Yes, but I didn't know what I was seeing at the time- and you obviously did a good job of not thinking about what you were doing. I'm curious to see you influence someone again, now that I know what I'm looking for."

"Do me!" Emmett said eagerly.

Jasper smiled, shaking his head. "I can't say that I've ever had someone _ask_ to be manipulated before."

" _Influenced_ ," Alice corrected gently. "And yes, you have. Remember when we first met, and I asked you to show me?"

"And I said no," Jasper said, looking uncomfortable.

"Why?" Rosalie asked.

"I'm used to thinking of my gift as a weapon," he explained. "I don't like using it on Alice, or anyone I care about. I guess I've never really associated anything positive with my ability. And I assumed that once Carlisle knew the truth, he would forbid me from using it, anyway, except when he ordered me to."

"You use it on me sometimes now," Alice reminded him. "And like Carlisle said, your gift is a part of who you are. It's not something to be ashamed of. Or hide, now that you see how _right_ I was about the Cullens."

Jasper just smiled down at her, reaching to smooth away a stray lock of her hair. "Of course you were right," he murmured. "You always are." It was so strange to see the change that Alice's presence had wrought in Jasper; the hardened soldier had melted away, softened into a man whose every thought was bent on his mate's happiness. Even his posture was different; instead of holding himself stiff and aloof, he was now Alice's shadow. The only difference from earlier was that his hovering watchfulness was more worshipful than protective.

"I'm ready," Emmett reminded him.

Jasper nodded. I saw the brighter effort of his gift flare slowly to life, but nothing else seemed to be happening- and to my disappointment, I couldn't observe anything in his mind other than the fact that his gift was active, and the fact that he was focusing intently on my brother. I couldn't even guess which emotion he was emitting.

"Nothing's happening," Rosalie said. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Emmett coughed out a sudden laugh, and then another, and another, until he was roaring with laughter.

"It's just so _funny_!" Emmett said, gasping between guffaws.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Everything!" he gasped. Speaking seemed to be funny, as well, and he started laughing even harder. Rosalie was frowning, but the very corner of her lips were beginning to twitch upwards as she watched Emmett fall off the couch. I was already smiling; Emmett _himself_ was pretty funny.

"Humor?" I asked, turning to Jasper.

"Amusement," Jasper corrected. The extra activity in his brain stopped, but Emmett's laughter continued for almost ten seconds before dying down.

He grinned, nodding to Jasper enthusiastically. "That was _awesome_."

"That was a pretty extreme effort," Jasper admitted. "I'm usually far more subtle. Well, Edward?"

"I couldn't see much," I admitted. "I can easily tell now when you're 'turning on' your influence, and I could tell that you were focused on Emmett, but that's all. I wasn't even sure which emotion you were sending, until it was obvious to everyone. How are you able to do that without thinking the word 'amusement' or 'laugh' or something like that?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "I don't know. How are you able to read minds? How is Alice able to call up visions? Our gifts are ruled by instinct. I didn't have to think to myself, 'I will now send Emmett amusement' _._ I just _made_ him feel amused, that's all."

"Just like when I have a vision," Alice said, her high-pitched voice drawing everyone's eyes downward to her. "The kind I have on purpose, I mean. I don't think to myself 'I will now look seven seconds into Edward's future'. I just… reach for it, you know?"

Alice's vision swirled, and my face morphed into… my face again, but this time I was speaking.

_I mean my gift is passive. At least, that's what Eleazar…_

"I get it," I said slowly. "I think. Although my gift is more like the sensory side of Jasper's, or the visions that come to you unbidden."

"What do you mean?" Jasper asked.

"I mean my gift is passive. At least-" I paused, looking with Alice in wry amusement as I fulfilled her "seven seconds ahead" vision, from seven seconds ago. "That's very distracting, Alice."

"I was just making a point!"

"What?" Rosalie asked.

"Nothing. Anyway, "passive" is the word Eleazar used for it. I hear people's thoughts without making any effort at all, much less thinking about making the effort."

"I thought you had to make an effort to hear people that are more than a mile away," Rosalie said.

"Yes… that's true. And I have to make an effort to focus on a certain mind, like when I'm in a crowd. But in both those cases, I have to agree with Alice and Jasper; I don't think the words 'I must extend my ability to hear a mind which may be approximately two miles out'. Like Alice said, I just sort of reach for it, without thinking about the reaching, per se. And Alice, I'd like you to try something. I want you to-"

_-purposely call up a vision…_

"-purposely call… stop that!" I growled at her.

 _But it was your fault that time!_ Alice protested mentally.

"How was that _my_ fault?"

"How was what was your fault?" Rosalie hissed.

 _Rosalie's getting annoyed_ , Jasper thought to me.

"I can tell," I said, rolling my eyes. "It happens often enough."

"TIME OUT!" Emmett shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. "Us regular people are getting confused by all you… you gifted people. Now slow down, and let's all talk out loud, and in the same time zone!"

"Sorry," Jasper, Alice and I chimed together, and then we all started laughing, looking at each other curiously. Rosalie and Emmett just looked at each other, frowning.

"That's not true," Jasper said suddenly.

"What's not true?" I asked.

"Rosalie and Emmett are both feeling inferior," he explained. "But you don't need to feel that way. Having a gift is often more trouble than it's worth."

"Agreed," I sighed.

" _Not_ agreed!" Alice said firmly.

"I was _not_ feeling inferior!" Rosalie hissed.

"Yes, you were," Jasper said, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Well, _I'm_ feeling inferior," Emmett said easily. "I feel like a... a _human_ next to you three!"

"Sorry!" Alice chirped. "Okay, what happened was that Edward was getting distracted because I kept peeking ahead in the conversation."

"And it creates a mental echo that is extremely annoying," I continued, "especially when it's of myself saying something."

"I'll _try_ not to do that," Alice sighed. "Esme and Rosalie explained it to me earlier… I mean that it's sort of rude to peek ahead and interrupt people. But it really was your fault that last time, Edward! You said 'Alice, I'd like you to try something'. How am I supposed to _not_ peek ahead when you say something like that?"

I frowned down at her, folding my arms across my chest. "By not _doing_ it, I imagine."

"Be reasonable, Edward," Jasper protested. "Nobody tells you when you can read minds or not, after all, do they?"

"No, it's all right," Alice sighed. "I guess I never thought about that before… the echo thing. I'm just used to it."

"Are you telling me that you _always_ listen ahead like that in conversations?" I asked.

"Sure!" she said with a shrug. "It's just that I've never had much of a conversation with anyone except Jasper before."

"Weren't you… lonely?" Emmett asked.

"Of course I was," Alice said. "But I had all of you to keep me company. And once I got really good at watching you in real time- just seconds ahead, I mean- then it was like watching a television show. I could even change the channels, if you were all in different places."

Rosalie clenched her teeth, picturing herself and Emmett in bed. "Are you _sure_ that you give us… you know, privacy?" _Ugh! The thought of her just being able to see ANYTHING…._

"That's pretty funny coming from you, Rosalie," I said. "You love to complain about how you never have any mental privacy around here, but have you ever thought about how little privacy you and Emmett give _me_? Do you think I _enjoy_ listening to all your little spur-of-the-moment rendezvous? And I don't have the luxury of changing the channel!"

Jasper tensed as Rosalie stepped closer to me, and Alice peeked ahead nervously.

_If you don't like it, then why don't you just leave?_

"Don't you dare say that, Rosalie!" Alice hissed. Her spritely features had suddenly turned fierce- if someone that tiny could be considered fierce.

"Say what?" Emmett asked.

"Never mind," Rosalie growled. I just rolled my eyes, turning away from her.

"That's interesting," Jasper said. "Rosalie, why were you feeling-"

"Never mind, Jazz," Alice said, quickly laying a hand on his arm. "And yes, Rosalie, I do give as much privacy as I can. You'll just have to trust me on that."

Rosalie sighed sharply, but nodded. "All right. And Edward, this is my home. I have the right to relax with my husband without having to worry about offending _your_ sensibilities!"

"It's _my_ home too," I growled. "Though if you had your way…"

She gritted her teeth. "I didn't mean that!"

"Sounded like it to me."

Jasper glanced back and forth between us curiously. _Are you two always like this?_

"We have our moments," I muttered.

 _Well, she was telling the truth a second_ _ago. About not meaning… whatever it was._

I turned back to Rosalie, my anger dropping quickly. "Really? Interesting."

"What's interesting?" Emmett growled. "If you people don't start talking out loud soon…"

"New subject," I suggested loudly, eager to clear the air. "Paint color. As I said before, I prefer light blue. And mind the-"

"Hold it!" Emmett said, sticking his hand in my face. "Are those all the bags you ladies have?" he asked, nodding down to Alice's purchases.

"No," Rosalie said. "The rest are still in the car."

"How many, exactly?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. Fifteen?"

"HA!" Emmett roared. "I win! Pink it is!"

"We never agreed to that clause," I protested. "Light blue."

For once, Alice was the one looking confused. "You win what? And what's pink and blue?" _See, Edward, I'm learning. I didn't peek ahead this time, even though I REALLY want to._ _Emmett is even funnier in person!_

"You didn't see our bet earlier?" Jasper asked her.

"No. I can't watch _all_ the time. What bet?"

"The three of us had a wager on how many shopping bags you would bring home," I sighed. "The losers have to paint my new room, and Jasper and I just lost. For what purpose could you possibly bring home nineteen bags of _anything_?"

"But some of it's for you!" Alice said, pouting.

"And we have two people here who had nothing but the clothes on their backs," Rosalie said. "I think nineteen bags is the picture of restraint."

Alice swept up the four bags she had already brought in. "Come on, Jasper," she said. "I want to show you what we got!" Jasper grinned down at her enthusiasm and allowed himself to be led up the stairs at lightning speed.

"And I need to go find something," Emmett said, turning to go. _And no cheating, Edward! This is going to be a surprise._ He switched to thinking in German as he ran out.

"No cheating," I promised. "But I already know German."

"Gaelic?" he shouted from the attic.

"Go for it," I called back, smiling. I was doing my best to keep out of his head, though I was curious. Emmett had a way of turning even the most awkward situation into a comfortable one. As soon as the family had voted to let Alice and Jasper stay, he had begun thinking of ways to help Jasper learn to relax around us; Alice didn't seem to need any help in that area.

"That's nice of you," Rosalie said.

"What?"

"You didn't have to tell him to switch languages. You could have just listened and found out whatever it is he's doing, and he never would have known. But you were honest, and respected his privacy when he asked you to."

I turned to face my sister, raising an eyebrow. "Was that an _apology_ , Rosalie?"

"I guess so. You know I didn't mean that, right? About you leaving?"

Instead of answering her, I went to the piano and sat down. I always found these sorts of awkward conversations easier when I had my hands on the keys. I began to quietly play Esme's song; one of my more peaceful compositions. "Jasper told me. Though I wouldn't blame you if you did mean it."

"Well, I didn't."

I played another two measures before stopping, and turning around on the seat to face her. "Rosalie, now that our emotions are back to normal again, I want to tell you how sorry I am. About… yesterday. You didn't deserve any of that."

She nodded her thanks. _Me too._ _Keep playing, please._ I turned around and resumed my song, and gladly. "When did you know?" she asked.

"When did I know what?"

_That he changed me for you._

"He hid it from me at first. You were almost a month old when he finally let it slip."

"And…" She didn't want to ask it; she knew she wouldn't like the answer. But she was dying to know. _And what did you say?_

I sighed, leaning into the keys as though the music could erase the mistake I had made yesterday. There was no way to speak honestly about this without hurting her further. My exact response to Carlisle had been that she was the last woman of my acquaintance with whom I would have wanted to share eternity. I had been _angry_ at him. It hadn't occurred to me at the time to be angry on _her_ behalf. "I told him I wasn't interested."

She sank down onto the couch, her clenched fists in her lap. I kept playing, pretending I couldn't hear every self-pitying thought that was going through her mind. She was thinking about how her choices had always been taken away by the men in her life. How her human father had pushed her into Royce's path. How Royce and his friends had taken her virginity and her life. How Carlisle had stolen her escape into death and her humanity, forcing her into a living death that she never would have wanted. How he had done it for another man, me- and I hadn't even wanted her. How I had taken away her freedom to think in peace. And now here was Jasper, come to take away her emotional privacy as well, and manipulate her heart however he saw fit.

I couldn't take any more after that. I had tried to stay out of it, to keep my mouth shut, but this was ridiculous. My fingers crunched down on the keys in a dissonant protest. "Rosalie," I said through my teeth. "For God's sake, _listen_ to yourself!"

"You don't know what it's like," she whispered. "To have everything taken away from you like that."

I spun around, slamming my hand down on the wood. "Look," I hissed. "I'm not saying I understand, about what Royce did to you. I can never understand, and on behalf of the entire male population of the earth, I'm _sorry_ , all right? But do you really have to go into a mental tirade about how every man you've ever met has ruined your life? Don't you think you're _forgetting_ someone?"

She just blinked, her mind coming up empty. She had no clue what I was talking about!

"Here's a hint," I whispered fiercely, glancing up at the ceiling to make sure Emmett was still in the attic. "You're married to him."

"Oh." _That's different._

I barked out a laugh. "Different, yes. He only _lives_ to make you happy, even though he knows he'll never succeed. How do you think it makes him feel, every time you go on one of your pity parties? When you make it blatantly obvious to everyone listening that he will never be enough for you?"

"I-"

"And you know what the _real_ irony is?" I continued. "That Emmett was changed _for_ someone, just like you were. And whose idea was _that_?"

Rosalie drew in a sharp breath, intending to scream at me. But instead, she blew it out again in a rush as she, too, glanced up at the ceiling. "He's happy."

"He's happy because he has _you_ ," I said. "It's a shame you can't manage to return the favor."

"It's not the same thing," she whispered.

"No?"

"The person who Emmett was changed for _wanted_ him." She clenched her fists together now, her face twisted into stone as she tried not to cry. I had done it again. I had hurt her. _Again_. I crossed the room in a flash, sitting beside her on the couch.

"Rosalie… you and me, it wouldn't have… I mean…" I closed my eyes, racking my brain for something to say. What was I _supposed_ to say? I'm sorry for not worshipping you like everyone else? I'm sorry for not taking advantage of the incredible gift that Carlisle tried to give me that day in 1933? "You know I've never seen you as anything but my sister," I said finally. "That doesn't mean I don't, you know, love you. Couldn't you tell how glad I was when you two came back home?"

She shrugged. "I suppose."

"And you and I have been getting along so well this time," I pointed out. "Until I shot off my mouth yesterday, and-"

"Don't worry about it," she interrupted. "I guess I had to find out the truth sometime."

"And besides," I added. "Carlisle didn't just change you for me. He did it to save _you_ , as well."

"I know," she said to her hands. "And I know it wouldn't have worked… you and me, I mean. And now," she added, glancing up at the ceiling meaningfully. "I'm glad we never tried. I am happy with him, Edward. You _know_ I am."

"No, I don't know that. And I'd wager he doesn't know it, either."

For once, Rosalie listened to me. She was silent for a moment, reviewing all the things she had said in anger last night. _I guess I see your point. I'll talk to him, all right? I'll_ _make sure he understands how happy I am with him. "_ Because I _am_ happy," she insisted out loud. "I just don't bounce around singing like Alice does. Is that such a crime?"

"No," I said, smiling at her. "I think one Alice is more than enough to go around."

"Don't you like her?"

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. It's just going to take some getting used to… her mental voice is very, ah, high-pitched. And those _visions_ …" I shrugged again. "That is definitely going to take some getting used to. And the echoes."

"Well, I like her. We had a really good time when we were out tonight. She's a little strange, but very sweet and friendly. I just never thought I'd have a sister!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," I cautioned. "Getting used to Alice is one thing, but…" I checked briefly, to make sure that Alice and Jasper weren't listening. Or _watching_ , in Alice's case. "What do you think of Jasper? I mean now, that the emotional confusion is over."

She thought for a moment. "I guess he's all right… he seems pleasant, now that he's not doing the thing with his gift. Though it's creepy, the way he just stands there and listens, like he's going to run off at any moment. And I don't think I'll be trusting him anytime soon. Have you heard anything, you know, bad? In his thoughts?"

I smirked back at her. "Are you asking me to spy, using my gift? To betray someone's mental privacy?"

_Edward! This is important. I know you don't trust him either. Now, have you heard anything we should be worried about?_

"I haven't heard much _good_ about his past, if that's what you mean. But honestly, I can't fault him for anything he's done… at least not so far. He really didn't know that there was any other way to live. I haven't seen anything to be concerned about. I'll keep an ear out, of course. But to be honest, Rosalie, he mostly thinks about Alice. I've never seen that level of mental focus before, between a vampire and his mate. Not even in Carlisle."

"Is Alice the same way? Focused completely on Jasper, I mean?"

"Yes… and no. Her visions are bent on him, but she's also going in a hundred different directions, now that she's here. She really has been waiting for this day for her entire life… what she remembers of it, anyway. Jasper's… well, he's glad he's here, for Alice's sake. I think that's the only reason, though."

Rosalie frowned. "That's sad. If he's going to be sticking around, he's going to have to come to grips with being a part of a family."

"That's where I come in, babe," Emmett announced as he sauntered back into the room. _Operation Relax-Jasper is officially underway_. There was a mysterious clatter as he deposited something behind Carlisle's chair, hiding it from view. At the same moment, Alice and Jasper appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Jasper looked very well in his new white dress shirt and sweater vest, but he was wearing what looked like waist overalls.

"That's an interesting choice," I said, nodding toward Jasper. "Getting back into your cowboy days?"

Jasper smoothed down the rough fabric, looking slightly self-conscious. "Just because I'm from Texas, doesn't mean I was a cowboy," he said, drawing out his accent.

"And we have some for you and Emmett, and Carlisle, too!" Alice said, bouncing off the last step onto the floor. "They're the newest thing, and Esme thinks they'll be good for hunting. She even ordered some for all us girls."

"Which I am _not_ wearing," Rosalie announced.

"Neither am I," I said, wrinkling my nose. Why would I want to wear pants made out of something so uncomfortable?

"Oh, yes you are!" Alice laughed. "I've seen it. And they're going to be called 'jeans' soon. I saw myself reading a magazine, and there was an ad for them. Come on, Edward, go try yours on!"

"I would just give in now," Jasper advised solemnly.

"No."

"I'll try mine," Emmett said. "But as soon as Carlisle and Esme get home, we're all heading outside for a game."

"Vampire Olympics?" Jasper asked curiously, remembering the stories that Emmett had told him earlier.

"Olympics! Ha! That was back before this family was big enough to play some real sports." Emmett reached down behind the chair and flipped his surprise through the air toward our newcomers. Jasper caught it easily, smiling in wonder as he brought up his other hand and curled his fingers onto the grip.

"Olympics nothing," Emmett said. "We're playing _baseball_."


	14. Who's On First?

**Sorry this one took longer than usual! I have a pretty good idea of the events/conversations I want to get to in the next ten or so chapters (yes, I said ten LOL) but I'm having some difficulty nailing down the order of events. Also, there are now seven Cullens; that's twenty-one relationships to manage!**

**This chapter is a fun one, as I'm sure you can tell from the title. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

I did go put on the jeans, but I only did it for Rosalie. She had been thinking how funny it would be to see all the men in their cowboy pants, and so I obliged her, as a peace offering. I felt ridiculous coming back downstairs in the stiff, scratchy fabric; what human would ever wear these things willingly?

"Lookin' good," Emmett whistled as my foot hit the floor. He had already donned his, and he had somehow gotten Jasper to play catch with him in the living room while we waited for Carlisle and Esme to return.

"Told you," Alice sang under her breath, grinning at me. "You look _great_!"

Jasper dropped the baseball, only to pick it up in a flash and throw it back to Emmett. His thoughts hadn't skipped a beat, but his teeth were clenched as he caught the ball again. Alice didn't seem to notice anything, though.

"Will you play the piano again, Edward?" she asked. "I heard Esme's song earlier, while I was upstairs."

I sat and began to play the piece again. Emmett and Jasper kept tossing the ball over my head while Rosalie and Alice drew closer to the piano. Alice was humming along with the melody, but up the octave. She was remembering the times she had watched me play this song before. It was a little unnerving, especially when she pictured me playing it back at the house in Montana. My fingers stiffened on the keys as I realized what I was seeing; the living room was dark and my hair was a ragged mess, my eyes orange. Carlisle and Esme were standing at my shoulders, much closer than they would normally stand, and Carlisle's hand rested on my right shoulder. It was the night I had returned home. Now that Jasper was done calming me, my fingers stiffened further as I remembered seeing the pages of my journal in Alice's memory.

How much did this girl know about me?

.

.

.

Carlisle and Esme were home in less than an hour, their arms filled with the rest of the shopping bags from the car.

"Finally!" Emmett called, throwing the baseball right toward them. Carlisle dropped all his bags and caught the ball, looking at it curiously.

"Emmett has decided that we're all going to play baseball," I explained from the piano.

Carlisle grinned, tossing the ball to Jasper. _I thought he might come up with something like that._ "Sounds good to me. But, Emmett, where did you get the equipment? We've never played baseball before."

"Last year, when Rose and I were in New York. Some of the men I worked with had a Saturday league, and I played for a while."

" _You_ played, with humans?" Esme asked worriedly. "Didn't they notice anything different about you?"

"Hey, I'm not a newborn anymore," Emmett said, pouting dramatically. "I can tone it down when I need to. And besides, I just stayed home on sunny game days."

"Of course, Emmett 'toning it down' was still a lot for them to take in," Rosalie said proudly. I smiled along with her at the memory: she was sitting on a set of bleachers with all the other wives, cheering Emmett on and feeling human. Of course, it wasn't perfect: many of the other women had baby carriages beside them, and Rosalie had to keep peeking up at the sky to be sure it was safe to stay. It was always that way for her: the times when she was able to feel the most human were also the times when she felt the most alien. But she dashed the thought from her mind, refusing to indulge in a "pity party", as I had called it earlier tonight. Instead, she zipped over to Emmett's side, hooking her arm through his. "But this time," she told him softly as she looked up at him, "I get to play, too."

He grinned widely, picking her up and swinging her around in a circle. _Now that's my girl._ "You'll be my angel in the outfield," he promised, setting her back down.

"But how can we play, with just seven?" Esme asked. "I thought baseball teams had nine players."

"We'll improvise," Emmett said. "We don't really need three basemen, or even a shortstop- we're faster than the ball, anyway."

"That's true," Carlisle said. "Although the ball might be travelling faster than some of _us,_ if we're pitching and hitting with our full strength. I have to confess, I've never played baseball before."

"Only because you were British," Rosalie guessed. "You must have played cricket."

"No, not even that. My father wouldn't allow it. What about you, Jasper? Have you ever played?"

Jasper closed his eyes, straining to bring his human memories into focus. "Yes, I think so. In the army… the Confederate Army, I mean." He picked up one of the bats again, flipping it end over end at lightning speed. "I don't actually recall having ever played, myself. But the bat feels familiar to my hands, and I remember keeping a baseball in my pack."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Emmett said, snatching the bat away from Jasper. "Let's go find ourselves a ball field."

.

.

.

It was decided that we shouldn't use any of the municipal fields. We didn't want to have to hold back in any way, and Carlisle was worried about destroying the field, as well as making too much noise. It was better, he said, if we made our own field. Emmett readily agreed, his mind spinning with "vampire modifications" he could make to his favorite sport. We decided to go on foot, so we could all stay together. Jasper grew uncomfortable every time we got near any roads, and Alice was on high alert during those times, as well. We would need to do something to help Jasper with his control, and soon.

Carlisle led us to an open space he had found once while hunting. It was tucked away in the emptiness outside of Strafford. The area was marshy enough to be isolated, but we found a good piece of land dry enough to play on. None of us had thought to bring anything to serve as bases.

"Time to improvise," Emmett said. "I guess we'll just tear away the grass in those spots, to mark it. Here's home plate, anyway." He knelt down and swiped away the grass near his feet, creating a patch of dirt in the appropriate shape. I darted off to the right, doing my best to guess where first base should be.

"Not there!" Emmett called. "This is _vampire_ baseball. I think the bases should be at least twice the normal length apart."

I ran forward again, glancing back at him. He waved me on further and further, finally giving me a thumbs up. Carlisle and Esme made the other bases, and Emmett moved to the center of the field, digging up enough dirt to make a pitcher's mound. It was decided that we "talents" should be divided between the teams. It was Emmett, Rosalie and me against Carlisle, Alice, Esme and Jasper.

"It doesn't seem fair to have four against three," Esme protested. "Especially when our team has two talents."

"But our team has _me_ ," Emmett said.

"Just because you're the size of two of us doesn't make you two players," I snorted.

"I meant I'm the only one who knows what he's doing," Emmett growled. "And besides, Esme, _both_ teams have two talents each, because Edward can see Alice's visions."

"That's true," I admitted. And it's not like Jasper's talent will be much use in baseball, anyway."

"On the contrary," Carlisle said, "I think he should be allowed to use the full power of his gift in the game. You can't help using yours, at any rate."

"Is that… all right?" Jasper asked him. Carlisle nodded.

"Let's see how it turns out," he replied. "It may give our team too much advantage, in the end, since you're the only one with an offensive gift. But I'm curious to see that gift in action, Jasper. And remember, I don't want you to feel that you have to limit your abilities while you're around us. I only ask that you be courteous and forthright about your influence." He glanced meaningfully over to Rosalie, and Jasper nodded in understanding.

"I have an idea," I added. "Esme, why don't you act as a designated catcher for both teams? That'll make things more even, and the batting team doesn't really need four, unless the bases are loaded."

Esme readily agreed, admitting that she hardly knew any of the rules anyway. We all laughed as Emmett tried to teach her the posture that catchers usually assumed. "I'm wearing a _dress_ , Emmett," she protested, kneeling down in a more ladylike position. Emmett argued the point for a few minutes, but Esme won that one, promising that she would wear slacks next time.

"Too bad our jeans aren't ready yet," Alice pouted. "Or maybe we could make uniforms somehow."

"Uniforms," I snorted. "That'll be the day. Where do you want me, Emmett?"

"Definitely outfield, since you're the fastest. I guess you'll have to cover the whole thing by yourself. No, wait…" Emmett looked around the field, imagining different scenarios. "I think you should take left field, and Rosalie first base. That way she can move back to right field if needed, and you can move in to third if needed. I'll pitch, and I'll fall back to second base if it comes to it."

Carlisle was up to bat first. Emmett grinned devilishly as he spun the ball between his fingers. _It'll be nice not to have to hold back_ , he thought smugly. He wound up and sent the ball flying at roaring speed. Carlisle swung, but instead of hearing a satisfying hit, the air around him crunched with splinters as the ball tore right through the bat.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. He turned around to see Esme smiling up at him, holding the ball in her hand.

"Does that count as a hit or a strike?" Alice asked, her eyes twinkling.

Emmett frowned, scratching his head. "Didn't think of that," he muttered. "I've got one bat left, but it's just going to break if we try that again. Guess we'll have to play at human speed." _Man…_

"No we don't," I called from left field. "We just need a stronger bat, is all."

"How?" Jasper asked. "Bats are always wooden."

"Not in the Vampire League," I said grandly. "I have an idea. Give me ten minutes."

"And get something for the bases!" Emmett called as I started running.

"Ten minutes, to the house and back?" Jasper asked doubtfully. "But we're at least ten miles away. He can't run _that_ fast, can he?"

"Just watch," Esme said proudly.

I grinned, eager to show off my speed to our newcomers. I zoomed away at my top speed, feeling a surge of pride as Jasper gasped in awe. It was nice to be able to impress him with _something_. Whether he would truly end up being my new brother or not, I still felt a boyish need to prove myself to him. I was used to being "the gifted one", as well as the one with the darkest past. Not that that was something to be proud of, but I supposed I had always thought of myself as the most worldly member of the family… the most experienced, at least in vampire terms. But I felt like a child next to Jasper, who not only had a powerful supernatural gift of his own, but a long history of military achievements… and of violence.

Emmett had been my brother from the moment Rosalie had convinced Carlisle to change him. And we had always gotten along well. We were so different in terms of personality that we had always complemented each other. But Jasper… I still wasn't sure what to think. Like everyone else, I was inclined to trust him, and was feeling more comfortable around him as the night wore on. It wasn't a given that he and his mate were going to stay- even though Alice's visions were now crystal clear on that count, I knew they could change. Jasper himself was relaxing more and more in our company, and constantly reminding himself that he could trust us. I supposed that most of my remaining discomfort stemmed from the fact that Jasper was so completely Emmett's opposite… so like _me_ , in fact, that I wasn't sure how to handle him. And yet I had been the one to defend him earlier tonight. I had done it for Esme and Carlisle, more than anything: Esme, because she was obviously falling in love with our visitors already, and Carlisle, because I knew how much he would regret it if he turned them away without giving them a fair chance. I supposed I had really believed everything I said, though. Even with the rocky start Jasper and I had had, I truly admired the choices he had made, once he knew he had them.

And then there was Alice: she was the real mystery. Why couldn't she remember anything about her human life? Her situation was so unique. She had literally been alone most of her life, at least the second part of it. Yet in a way, she had been "living" with our family for years: a silent, invisible guest who was privy to secrets we would have preferred to keep private, at least until we knew her better. How much _had_ she seen? Had she watched me kill? The thought turned my stomach. I already had hundreds of images of myself as the red-eyed villain burned into my infallible memory: the memories of my victims in their final moments. And too often, I was plagued by my own memories of _their_ faces. It was torture enough to have to carry those memories around with me.

But the idea that someone had been _watching_ me was unbearable. The idea that Alice had seen my monster in action, that _she_ was carrying around those same images… it made me feel exposed. It made me feel guiltier, in a way. But then I remembered Alice's peculiar assurance: _Don't worry about it. I love you anyway._ I wondered if she had known the whole time that I would return home. I wondered how much she had seen of Carlisle's and Esme's grief while I was away. And I was still more than a little suspicious of the timing of her and Jasper's arrival today. _Had_ she seen my choice to leave? Had she seen my true intentions, and could I trust her to keep them to herself? I supposed this was only fair; I had, after all, been the one to invade everyone else's privacy since my awakening. It was rather disconcerting, having the tables turned like this. I had never really needed to trust anyone with my _own_ secrets. Should I speak to Alice about my plans, and make sure she understood my desire to protect my parents from the pain I had been about to endure?

And would I still leave? I had decided earlier tonight to stay, in order to protect my family from the possible threat that our visitors presented. If they did stay, and I did come to feel comfortable leaving my family with them… _if they became family_ , I corrected myself. If that day came, would I go ahead with my plans? At least that day was not today.

.

.

.

As soon as our house came into sight, I veered off to the right, slowing suddenly to a walk and opening the door to the garage. Esme had built this garage herself when we had moved here, in hopes that Rosalie would soon be returning home to use it. She had used steel beams for the frame, and she had saved three spare ones from the project; they would do nicely for our new baseball bats. The beams were lying along the wall furthest from the house. I chose the shortest one, tossing it out the open door before running into the house.

What to use for the bases?

I ran down into the basement, sweeping my eyes over the contents we had stored down here. I didn't want to take too much time; I was eager to see if I could make it back to the ball field in the ten minutes I had boasted. I decided to grab the stack of ceramic tiles Esme had left over from tiling the kitchen. They would probably be destroyed by the time the game was over, but they were just extras anyway. I leapt up the stairs in a single bound and headed back outside, scooping up the steel beam as I ran by it. It was awkward running with my baggage, but when I made it back to the others, Emmett whooped in triumph, pumping his fist in the air.

"Nine minutes and thirteen seconds!" he shouted, slapping Jasper on the back. Jasper tumbled into the dirt, but smiled good-naturedly as he leapt back up.

"I'm starting to think that betting against you is a bad idea, Emmett," he drawled.

"No, betting against _me_ is a bad idea," Alice said, poking her mate in the ribs. "I _told_ you Edward would make it!"

I grinned, tossing the steel beam to Emmett. "What was the bet?"

He caught the beam, hefting its weight experimentally and looking down its length. "Well, let's just say that I won't be mowing the lawn for a loooong time." _Ha!_

"Six months," Jasper muttered. Then he caught himself, glancing back at Carlisle. "I mean, if we stay that long," he added quickly. Carlisle just smiled slightly, keeping his eyes on Emmett.

"Well, Emmett, do you think you can make us a bat?" he asked.

Emmett was sitting on the ground, mumbling to himself about the conservation of momentum. He had already ripped off a chunk of the steel, and was now carefully pounding it between his hands into sheet metal. "Hand me that other bat, Esme." She tossed it to him, and he began wrapping the new sheet metal around the barrel, crimping and smoothing as he went. I busied myself with laying the new bases down, and assuring Esme that no, I had _not_ mutilated the kitchen floor in order to get them. It was a good thing I had brought five tiles: I had forgotten about home base being different from the others. It was a simple matter to score and break the extra tile into a triangle and lay it alongside a full tile. Not quite the right dimensions, but it would do.

"Why don't you just pinch off enough solid steel to hit the ball with?" Jasper asked Emmett as he worked. "Why use the wood at all?"

"A bat is supposed to be light," Emmett said, finishing the final revolution of steel around the bat. He laid his index finger alongside the barrel, running it up and down as his other hand slowly rotated the bat. He polished it again with his shirt, and swung it through the air at human speed. "We want it to be strong enough to withstand the force of a vampire pitch, but light enough to swing properly. We also want the ball to survive." He swung the bat at vampire speed this time, the metal whistling through the air.

"Ingenious," Jasper murmured.

"Emmett is our self-appointed sports expert," Carlisle said with a proud smile. "You should see the bowling set he made- and he was only a few weeks old at the time!"

Jasper just shook his head, smiling in wonder. _And here I thought I knew how to control newborns!_

Emmett held his hand up for the baseball, and Jasper tossed it to him. Physics equations were flying through Emmett's head as he tossed the ball up in the air to himself, swinging the bat as it came back down. Simultaneously, Alice darted toward the place where the ball would soon be heading.

When he hit the ball, the thunderous _CRACK_ that resulted literally shook the air in the clearing. Esme's and Rosalie's hands flew up to their ears, and Alice stumbled back a step as she caught the ball. Emmett held up the still-whole bat victoriously, and Alice pronounced the ball unhurt, as well.

"So much for being inconspicuous," Rosalie sighed. "I'll bet all the humans in a ten-mile radius heard that."

"Didn't think of that either," Emmett mumbled, frowning down at his invention.

"It's all right," Alice piped up. "There's a thunderstorm coming. Once the lightning and thunder starts, we can play again- it'll just sound like part of the storm."

Carlisle frowned, looking up at the sky. "There wasn't a storm in the forecast tonight. Are you sure, Alice?"

"Alice is always sure," Jasper said proudly. "Especially about the weather, since decisions aren't involved."

Alice just grinned, pointing to the watch that Esme had bought her tonight. She decided to check the watch again when the storm began, and saw the exact time in the new vision. "Seven minutes and thirty-two seconds until the first thunderclap," she announced smugly. _I should have gotten a watch years ago!_

We all looked up now. The sky was clear, dotted with stars. But then we noticed, far off in the west, a little blank spot where the stars were missing. We all watched in awe as the wind picked up over the next few minutes and the cloud spun itself larger and larger, until a promising stretch of darkness blotted out half of the stars. As we waited for the storm to begin, Emmett launched into a vampire-speed lecture on the rules of baseball. When he was just getting to this year's new rule regarding the height of the pitcher's mound, Alice interrupted him.

"Three… two… one…"

_BOOM!_

The thunderclap arrived right on schedule, bringing the first raindrops and a flash of lightning with it. Everyone cheered for Alice, and Carlisle just stared at her in wonder, his mind racing with possibilities. Alice's arrival, he realized, had brought us a whole new level of freedom: the ability to predict the weather with absolute certainty. Even when the forecast and the almanac "guaranteed" a cloudy day, we were still obliged to check the sky periodically; there were usually patches of sunlight even on the cloudiest days, and they could never truly be predicted… until now.

"Amazing," he whispered to himself.

"I'll say," I agreed, watching his mind carefully. I was waiting for him to think, _if they stay,_ but he didn't. He appeared to be thinking along the same lines as the rest of us: this trial period would soon be over. I was surprised to discover that the thought pleased me. As uncertain as I felt about Alice and Jasper, I genuinely liked both of them. _Two_ brothers and _two_ sisters, then. What a week!

"Play ball!" Emmett shouted gleefully, holding the bat up in triumph as another thunderclap boomed. Rosalie, Emmett and I took our positions, and Jasper stepped up to the plate, swinging the new bat experimentally. Esme lowered herself into the mud behind him, still determined to kneel like a lady despite the weather.

Emmett wound up and sent the ball flying. Jasper swung too late, and the ball slapped harmlessly into Esme's hand. Another pitch, and a second strike.

"Stop playing like a human!" Emmett yelled to Jasper as he caught the ball. "There's no such thing as a fastball in vampire baseball. We only pitch _turbo_ fastballs in this league!" He wound up again. Jasper gritted his teeth in concentration, his gift flashing to life as Emmett threw the ball. Jasper's hit was a thunderous crash, even louder than Emmett's practice hit had been earlier. The ball sailed right back toward the pitcher's mound, but instead of catching it, Emmett shrieked and ducked under the ball as it flew over his head into center field.

Jasper dropped the bat and ran for first base, and I took off like a shot after the ball. It was a thrilling chase; I had never actually run _after_ something before, at this speed. I had raced the vampires in my family, but there had never been much challenge with that. But the ball had gotten a head start on me, and the momentum of Jasper's hit must have been enormous, because it took me a full three seconds to catch up to it. I snatched the ball out of the air, just before it hit the ground. "Out!" I shouted back to the field. Emmett whooped in excitement, but Jasper kept running the bases. I threw the ball with all my might back to Esme, and raced back to left field. Jasper stopped on a dime on third base.

"That wasn't an out," he argued. "That ball was long gone. If anything, I should get a home run!"

"I agree," Carlisle said. "If this was a normal ball field-"

"Which it isn't," Emmett interrupted. "There aren't any boundaries in vampire baseball."

"Says who?" Jasper challenged, stepping closer to Emmett and baring his teeth. We all tensed for a second, but his eyes were sparkling with mischief, not malice. His gift was flashing again with activity. "You didn't mention that as a rule earlier, so it shouldn't count. And besides, you're keeping most of the human rules intact."

"Boys," Esme called in a warning tone. Jasper covered his teeth, but glared at Emmett still, his gaze intense.

Emmett shrunk visibly, his thoughts suddenly uncertain. "I guess you're right," he said sheepishly. "We should mark out-"

"Now just a minute," I interrupted. "Jasper, what did you just send Emmett there?"

"Doubt and guilt," he replied, looking at Carlisle for approval.

Carlisle chuckled, shaking his head. "And during the pitch? That was fear, correct?"

Jasper turned back to Emmett, looking smug. "You got it."

Emmett was shocked. "You mean I ducked because of your gift?" _I don't believe it!_

" _And_ screamed like a girl," I added cheerfully. "So Carlisle, what do you say? Was the rule valid, and was Jasper's influence legal?"

"I'll leave it all up to Emmett," Carlisle said. "He's in charge- as long as Jasper is done influencing him," he added with a wink. Jasper nodded, his gift quieting. "Though in my opinion, his influence during play was definitely legal."

Emmett rolled his shoulders, his confidence returning. "Well, that was… different," he admitted. "All right. The rule stands: no boundaries. But since I didn't announce the rule beforehand, Jasper's safe on third. But we keep it as played- no home run."

Jasper nodded politely.

"Now," Emmett continued, "I think Jasper should be barred from using his gift during all future rule discussions."

"Agreed," I said.

"And during play?" Jasper asked, crossing his arms.

"Fair game," Emmett said with a sigh. _But it won't work again- I'm onto him now!_ "Who's up next?"

"I am!" Alice called, picking up the bat. "But you should tell everyone about the other new rule."

"What rule?" Emmett asked.

"No balls!" Alice replied. "If we don't hit it, it's a strike, period."

"Was I going to say that?" Emmett asked, grinning.

"Yep!"

Alice stepped up to the plate, looking like a little girl holding a grown-up bat. She reached out with her gift, swinging at just the right moment. It was a grounder, and she just made it to first base as Rosalie made it back with the ball. Carlisle hit a pop fly, which Emmett caught. As the game went on, I was pleasantly surprised to unearth a few human memories of my own, though they were quite fuzzy. I was playing on a grassy field, with a brick building behind me. I remembered the thrill of running and sliding into home plate. I was wearing a burgundy-colored jacket in the memory, and it looked like all the other boys were dressed the same way. I seemed to be shorter than now, but not by much. The other memory was even harder to get a hold of: playing baseball on a real field, but the baseball seemed much bigger in my hands in this one. Childhood?

I was the first one up to bat at the bottom of the first inning. I squeezed the grip and swung the bat a few times, surprised at how light it felt, compared to the human memories. Jasper was pitching now, and I could tell he was sending me something with his gift. I began feeling nervous and I missed the first time, swinging too early. Jasper's influence increased in intensity, but I kept breathing deeply, determined to thwart him even as my anxiety increased. The second pitch was a little high, but I adjusted my swing with time to spare, and felt the satisfying shock of slamming the bat into the ball. I started running at top speed, while in the corner of my eye I saw Carlisle zoom away out of right field.

I tore around the bases, watching Carlisle's progress through his eyes. Just as he dove for the ball to make the out, it bounced off a tree branch and hit the ground. As I rounded third and sprinted for home, I could hear Rosalie and Emmett shouting their encouragement. I flicked my eyes to the left, seeing the ball already sailing back toward Esme. I threw myself toward home plate, sliding the last twenty feet. My fingers snapped the tile in half just a hundredth of a second before I heard Esme catch the ball over my head.

"Safe!" she yelled. Everyone cheered for me, and for the first home run in vampire history. I jumped up and whooped in victory as well, brushing the worst of the mud off of my jeans. I was surprised to see that the tough fabric had actually survived the slide. Maybe jeans weren't so bad after all.

The rain got heavier after that, which only made the game more fun. Our physical perfection tended to limit our enjoyment of sports, but as the field turned into a giant puddle, we were finally able to make some mistakes, and even fall a few times. And I got an enormous amount of satisfaction out of seeing Rosalie get herself the filthiest she had ever been. She was also having the most fun I had ever seen her have, which made my brother burst with pride over his baseball idea.

Things got really interesting in bottom of the eighth inning. Our team was down twelve to eleven, and Jasper was using his gift left and right- though his effectiveness was decreasing, as we learned to expect his interference. I was getting good at using Alice's visions to enhance my mind-reading, and Carlisle was turning out to be the most powerful batter, despite his strength being less than Emmett's. But the biggest surprise of all was Alice, who turned out to be a natural on the pitcher's mound.

There were two outs, and Rosalie was up to bat. I was on third base, inching toward home as Alice wound up. But she caught me in her visions, and I dove back toward Carlisle, who caught the ball and tagged me just after I grabbed a shard of the broken rubble which had once been third base.

"Out!" Carlisle shouted, throwing the ball back to Alice.

"Not on your life!" I protested, holding up the jagged piece of tile for everyone to see.

"No, it's an out," Jasper argued from first base. "That shard was laying at least a foot outside where the original base was."

"The shard is still part of the base," I shot back. "And besides, the tiles were smaller than regulation bases in the first place."

Jasper zoomed up, appearing in my face. "It's an out," he said through his teeth. A growl rumbled in my own throat and I tensed, crouching slightly in warning. How dare he waltz into our family and-

"That's enough, Jasper," Carlisle said sharply. My anger began to fade, and I blinked. I hadn't noticed him influencing me that time.

"Sorry," Jasper said, backing away quickly. "I didn't mean-"

"No, it's all right," I told him. "Fair game, remember?" Jasper shot me a grin, and was back at first base in a blink. Carlisle just chuckled, kicking the stray shards of the base back into place; although some of them had floated away while we had been arguing. "Well, am I out or not?" I asked everyone. "We don't really have an umpire."

" _I'm_ the umpire!" Esme announced from home plate. "I'm the only one who's going to keep this bunch honest!"

"All right, ump," I laughed. "What's the call?"

"Well… I guess once we make better bases, this particular problem won't come up again. But for this time, I think Edward should be safe."

"Bad call!" Alice booed.

"It's only fair," Esme insisted. "As the left fielder and third baseman, Carlisle had every chance to scoop the shards back into place before now, and he didn't."

"True," Carlisle admitted. "Although I can't find some of the shards at all. What if a runner finds one next time that's half a mile away? Or carries a piece with them?" We all laughed at the absurdity of the situation, and resumed play. I never scored the run, in the end; Emmett slammed the next hit right back into Alice's waiting hands, and that was that.

The other team didn't score again. When I was up to bat in the final inning, Alice rotated her decisions and visions between three different pitches at such an alarming rate that she struck me out easily. Emmett got a hit that would be considered foul in human terms, but it ended up not mattering, because Jasper caught it half a mile away. Rosalie got a clean hit out to center field, and Jasper and Carlisle both went for the ball, crashing into each other with a deafening thunderclap as the ball fell harmlessly to the ground behind them. Rosalie easily made it to home plate, and everyone rushed over to congratulate her.

"Stop it, Jasper," she giggled, accepting Alice's attack-hug.

"Stop what?" he asked, wrinkling his brow.

"That's not you?" _I don't think I've ever had this much fun before._ _I feel amazing!_

"That's because you _are_ amazing," I insisted. "You just scored the first female home run in vampire history!" She smiled back at me just as Emmett scooped her up and tossed her into the air, laughing. Jasper did send her something then, and she screamed in delight as she tumbled back down into Emmett's arms.

Things were really heating up now. It was tied at the bottom of the ninth, and we had two outs. Jasper was staring at me as I stepped up to the plate, clenching his jaw in concentration. My fear grew and grew, and I flinched as the ball flew past me for the first strike.

"Good work, Jasper!" Carlisle called. "Hit him even harder next time!"

"Come on, Edward!" Rosalie shouted from behind me. "Don't let him get to you!"

I ground my teeth against my fear, but Jasper ramped it up even higher. This time the ball seemed to roar in fury as Alice sent it towards me, and I actually jumped out of the way as it slapped into Esme's hand.

"COME ON!" Emmett roared. "You can do this!"

I took a deep breath, but Jasper's eyes were wide with effort now. My deep breath turned into a gasp of terror, and I began to hyperventilate. Alice wound up for the pitch, showing me thirty baseballs coming at me at once in her imagination. I growled with effort, focusing only on Emmett's and Rosalie's shouts of encouragement. I closed my eyes as the ball attacked, using Esme's viewpoint for the swing instead of my own.

_CRACK!_

Four bases flew under my feet before I even took my next breath. I slammed right into Esme, and we tumbled into the mud together in a heap. Rosalie screamed and kissed Emmett, while the others rushed in to offer their congratulations. I stood, grinning, and pulled my mother up with me; she was covered from head to toe with mud, and all our cheers turned to laughter. Carlisle cleaned off her face as best he could and kissed her, setting off another round of laughter as he grimaced and pulled away from the taste.

"Wait," I said, squinting off into the rain. "Where's the baseball?"

"Gone," Emmett boasted. "You knocked it clean out of New Hampshire!"

"Actually, we don't know which direction it went in," Carlisle admitted. "We couldn't even see it."

" _I_ know where it is," Alice said smugly. _And no cheating, Edward! I need to learn some more languages for times like this. Maybe Emmett will teach me Gaelic!_

"I'll bet I can learn it first," I challenged. "Now where's the ball?"

"Learn _what_?" Emmett growled.

"Five seconds!"

"Five seconds until what?" Esme asked.

Alice held up her watch, counting down aloud as her mind raced through the outfits that she had tried on earlier. "One!" she shouted, and we all jumped back into a larger circle as the baseball whistled back down to earth, crushing the last remains of home plate as it landed at our feet.

"Now _that's_ what I call baseball," Emmett said proudly.


	15. Adoption

**Thank you to EdwardsMate4ever for helping me out with the baseball stuff :)**

* * *

Over the next few days, we all did our best to make Alice and Jasper feel at home. The question of their "adoption" was not discussed aloud, but it was almost constant in everyone's thoughts. Alice was beyond confident now, and Esme was already beginning construction of the new bedroom: her quiet way of announcing her acceptance. I had assumed that I would be helping her with the project- it was going to be my new room, after all, and it wasn't like I had anything better to do.

But to everyone's surprise, Esme invited Jasper to be her assistant instead. He protested that he didn't know the first thing about construction, but she assured him that a vampire was capable of learning any trade he set his mind to. And so he threw himself into the task, eager to be of use. He did seem reluctant to disappear for hours at a time, away from Alice—who refused to be anywhere near the smell of cement—but she was more than happy to leave him in Esme's care. Rosalie was determined to "fix" her energetic hair, and they spent hours upon hours upstairs, experimenting with hair products, outfits, nail polish, and other mysteries. The two of them went shopping at least ten times in that first week.

Emmett continued with Operation Relax-Jasper, which included a sixteen-hour-long bowling match between the two of them and Carlisle, a shift in the garage with Rosalie, and Jasper's first lawn-mowing duty. When Jasper returned to help Esme again, Emmett busied himself by working on the equipment for our next baseball game. He made the bases by hand, and was constantly tweaking his design for the metal-plated bat.

Jasper also spent a lot of time with Carlisle during his three days home "sick". The two of them went hunting every time Jasper grew thirsty, but they also spent a lot of time in Carlisle's study, talking. I gave them as much privacy as I could, but it was difficult not to eavesdrop as Jasper told him more and more about his years in the Southern Wars. It was a bleak tale.

But Carlisle also encouraged Jasper to recall as much as he could about his human life- everything from childhood memories, which were scarce, to his last two years as a soldier. Those last memories seemed to be Jasper's favorites, and were the clearest. He had never cared much about the Confedefate cause—and he was ashamed now to have supported slavery, however indirectly—but he had many fond memories of his days with his regiment and his horse, Patch. It made me think, too, about my last years as a human. I didn't remember much about school, or even about my human family. Most of what I recalled involved either practicing the piano, or my dreams about going off to war with my friends. I wondered, for the first time, what it would have been like if I had made it over to Europe, wearing the uniform. Judging by the statistics, I probably wouldn't have made it back at all.

Carlisle and I also spent some time trying to help Alice recover her human past. He would ask her leading questions, hoping to trigger dormant memories: Who was her favorite teacher? What color was her bedroom? What was her favorite food? What was her best friend's name? I watched her mind intently during these experiments, but neither Alice nor I ever found anything- not even a shadow of a memory. Carlisle was, in equal measure, frustrated and fascinated by this rare problem. It was an ironic balance: the girl who held the future in her grasp had absolutely no insight into her own past.

On Thursday evening, Alice, Emmett and I were watching the Yankees play the White Sox on television. Emmett and I were on the couch, with Alice perched up on the top of it behind us. I was rooting for the White Sox, like a faithful Chicagoan, and Emmett was cheering for the Yankees as loud as he could, just to annoy the Confederate soldier in the house. Alice was enraptured to be watching her first baseball game ever. It was boring, compared to our new way of playing, but she enjoyed it nonetheless. Emmett was playing with her gift as we watched, trying to get her to predict the final score. She was having more difficulty than we had expected; the final score kept "changing" based on the decisions made by the managers and the pitchers.

"Who's winning?" Jasper asked, coming up behind us.

"Yankees!" Emmett hooted.

"Damn Yankees," Jasper growled, his Southern accent thicker than usual. He scooped Alice up off the back of the couch and buried his nose in her neck. She screamed, squirming to get away from the drywall dust he was shedding all over her hair.

I winced, touching my throat. "Jasper, are you thirsty?"

He nodded. "Sorry. I was just coming to see if anyone's interested in joining me." Carlisle still hadn't brought up the idea of the blood challenges to him yet, since the issue of their adoption was still up in the air. And so two or three of us always went with him… just in case.

"Not me," Emmett mumbled, staring at the game. Yogi Berra was just rounding first base, having hit deep into right field.

I stood up slowly, scowling as I watched the Yankees get another two runs in: they were up by three now. "I'll go," I sighed. "This game's hopeless."

But Alice dragged Jasper out the door, mentally telling me to stay put. _I've hardly had any time alone with him all week. And besides, the White Sox are going to win!_ She showed me the final score, her vision crystal clear, unlike the other times.

I turned back to the game, interested again. "Chicago's going to win," I announced.

"No, they're not."

"Are too."

Emmett grinned at me. "Where'd you get this sudden faith? Alice?"

"Yes. She just had a vision of the new final score."

"So what? She had them winning back in the second inning, and then she lost it."

I shrugged. "Chicago, 6-5." I kept my face straight, trying not to grin as I reeled him in. This was too easy.

He sat up. "Oh yeah? Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Ten bucks says the Yanks keep it."

I raised an eyebrow. "You want to bet against _Alice_?"

"Thirty bucks."

"I don't know," I said dramatically. "They creamed the Yankees back in May, and that bullpen is looking fierce. I wouldn't want to be accused of-"

He bared his teeth. "Take it or leave it."

"I'll take it, but not money. I'll wager my half of the painting job against, say, your next two months of lawn mowing." Jasper had already got out of his lawn-mowing duty during the game last night, though that bet hadn't been a sure thing, what with Alice out shopping. But I had been around Alice long enough to know what a 99% future looked like, versus an 80% future. I had this in the bag.

"All six months, or nothing." _Candy from a baby._

"Deal." Emmett and I bumped fists. Less than an inning later, I fell off the couch laughing as Jim Busby hit a three-run homer.

"They're not winning yet," Emmett said through his teeth.

Carlisle came downstairs in the middle of the eighth inning. "Where are Alice and Jasper?" he asked us.

"Hunting," Emmett and I said in unison.

Carlisle nodded. " Esme, Rosalie, would you come in the living room, please?"

The hammering sounds ceased instantly, and Esme appeared beside the couch. Rosalie zipped in half a second later, cleaning her oily hands with a rag. I leaned forward and switched the television off; Carlisle wanted to have a family meeting.

"This is the first chance we've all had to talk together… without our visitors," he announced. "I think I put you all on the spot last week, in front of them. Now that we've all spent some time together, I want to hear what you all have to say about the possibility of Alice and Jasper joining our family."

Emmett shrugged. "They're already part of it, as far as I'm concerned."

"For me, as well," Esme said warmly. "Alice is such a sweetheart. And Jasper needs a home so badly."

Everyone looked at Rosalie, wondering if she would protest. But she smiled, thinking of her new sister and brother; she was already using the words in her thoughts, though she hadn't said them out loud yet. "I'm fine with them staying forever," she announced. "Alice is great. And I have to admit, Jasper's growing on me. But something has got to be done about his control. And about his _appetite_. I don't want to spend the rest of eternity babysitting him- or taking him hunting twice a day, either."

"I'm not sure his appetite will be changing anytime soon," Carlisle said. "From what he's told me, his creator used blood as a reward for good performance in training and battle. He was raised, you might say, with an unhealthy dependence on very large amounts of human blood. I don't believe he ever went more than a day without feeding, during his first eighty years. And now that he's on the animal diet, his body seems to be constantly starved for blood. Whether that is because of his many years on human blood- and lots of it- or because of a more psychological reason, I can't say."

"What about the blood challenges?" Emmett asked.

Carlisle nodded, looking thoughtful. "Yes, I'd like to try that with him… I just wanted to give him some time to relax and get to know us, before suggesting anything like that. But we still haven't made our decision."

"Well, I'm fine with them staying," I said. "If we're all in favor, what's the problem?"

Carlisle took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I feel the same way you all do- that Alice and Jasper belong with us. But there are other factors we need to consider. Edward, can you tell everyone what Eleazar was thinking about the size of our family, on that day when we took Emmett back to his cabin in 1935? The exact words, please."

" _A coven of five_ ," I remembered aloud. " _With one enormous talent, and one with superior strength. Aro wouldn't be pleased- especially if any more were added_."

"You see the problem," Carlisle sighed.

" _I_ don't see a problem," Rosalie sniffed. "Who cares what some prehistoric vampire in Italy thinks? It's none of his business who joins our family."

"Perhaps not," Carlisle said. "But it is every vampire's business to be concerned with staying in the good graces of the Volturi."

"No, Rosalie's right," I said. "Aro has no right to dictate the size of anyone's coven. There's no law about that- at least not that you've ever told me."

"And I thought Aro considered you a friend," Esme added.

"A friend, yes," Carlisle said uneasily. "But the last time we spoke, I was just a harmless nomad. Now, I'm the leader of one of the largest covens in the world. And if we add Alice and Jasper, we'll be second only to the Volturi themselves- in size _and_ talent. And we have to consider Jasper's history, as well. Even if Aro does not feel threatened by our size, I don't think he would be pleased to see us taking in a veteran of the Southern Wars. We have to consider how this will… appear."

"Surely he knows that you would never challenge him!" Esme protested.

"Of course I wouldn't," Carlisle agreed. "But Aro does take a great deal of pride in being the best… in _having_ the best," he added, glancing at me.

"You're worried he'll go for Alice, once he learns of her," I said slowly. Carlisle nodded.

"All the more reason for us to take her in," Esme said firmly. "and give her a real home, so she won't be dazzled by any _offers_ later on." She was remembering Demetri's and Jane's visit back in 1926… and the fear she had felt, that I would be swayed into joining them.

"Why does any of this matter?" Emmett asked suddenly. "It's not like we're going to write to the Volturi and announce that we've added to the family."

"No," Carlisle said. "But Aro has visited Eleazar more than once since his departure from the Guard. It's only a matter of time before our cousins meet Alice and Jasper, and it's only a matter of time before Aro takes his hand again."

"Maybe we could keep Alice's talent a secret, the next time we see the Denalis," Rosalie suggested.

"Not from Eleazar," I said. "He'll see it immediately. The only way to keep him from finding out is to stay away from our cousins altogether, or hide Alice and Jasper when they visit."

"And I am not willing to do either one of those things," Carlisle said with a frown. "First of all, _hiding_ Alice and Jasper is exactly the sort of thing that will make us look guilty of plotting. And secondly, the Denalis are the only family we have. We are not going to isolate ourselves from them, or from our other friends, for any reason. No, Aro is going to find out eventually- and when he does, I don't want it to seem like we've gone out of our way to hide anything- or anyone."

"So… they can stay?" Rosalie asked.

"I _want_ them to stay," Carlisle said. "I, too, want to give them a home. And let's face it: they're destined, in some way, to be with us. Alice's visions have been leading her here since the moment she awoke. I just wanted to make sure that you were all aware of the risks involved."

"What do you mean by 'risk', exactly?" I asked. "What do you think Aro will do, once he finds out?"

"Truthfully, I don't know," Carlisle admitted. "Perhaps I'm just being paranoid- and it may be centuries before Aro learns of our additions. The Volturi generally don't interfere in anyone's business, as long as there are no laws broken. I don't believe he would take any sort of action, per se… I just think he would be displeased."

"Let him be displeased, then," Esme said firmly. "What matters is that Alice and Jasper are here, and that we all want to welcome them into our family." Rosalie, Emmett and I murmured our agreement- and secretly, I felt a smug satisfaction in the fact that we were doing something that the Volturi might not approve of.

Carlisle relaxed, drawing Esme closer to his side. "You're right, of course. If we're all agreed, I think we'll give Alice and Jasper the good news when they get back from hunting."

"If Alice hasn't already seen the good news," I said with a smirk. I could already hear her thoughts returning toward the house- and she had, indeed, been watching, at least at the end.

Carlisle chuckled. "You're right. She might be listening right now."

"Hi, Alice!" Emmett said to the living room in general.

"Hi Emmett!" Alice yelled, throwing open the patio door. Emmett jumped in surprise, and we all laughed at him, even Jasper. Alice skipped up to Carlisle's side, but waited with sparkling eyes for him to speak.

"Alice, Jasper," he said with a smile, "welcome to the family."

Alice threw her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. He reached around her to accept Jasper's outstretched hand. There were a few more hugs and handshakes, and more than a little squealing from Alice.

"Thank you, Carlisle," Jasper said solemnly. "And we appreciate the burden you are taking on by accepting us."

"Burden?" Carlisle asked.

"I think he's referring to the conversation Alice was just eavesdropping on," I said, smirking down at my new sister. Jasper nodded, and Alice's smile melted into a guilty pout.

Carlisle grinned. "It's all right, Alice. Privacy isn't something we're used to around here, anyway. But Jasper, please, understand. There is no _burden_. I was merely making sure that my family- _our_ family- understood all the considerations before making a commitment. But that time is past. When our kind change, that change is permanent. No matter what happens after this, you will both be a part of this family forever. We will support one another, and defend one another. We will share our lives, our joys and sorrows… and, yes, our challenges. But that is no burden; it is a privilege. I will be proud to share eternity with both of you."

We all echoed his sentiment, and Jasper glanced around the family, his gift buzzing with sensation. "Thank you all," he said with another nod.

"Now, if you all don't mind," Emmett said abruptly, "I have six months of lawn duty riding on the Yankees." He switched the television back on, to find the game just ending. The White Sox had indeed won, 6-5.

"Light blue," I reminded him, reclining lazily back onto the couch. "And don't forget the crown molding."

"Cheater," Emmett scowled.

"I tried to warn you," I said cheerfully. "Never bet against Alice."

* * *

**I hope I'm not stretching canon too much here... I tried to keep Carlisle a bit naïve about Aro, but I really can't imagine that this conversation _didn't_ take place at some point. This was one of the reasons I invented the whole "Aro visiting Eleazar sometimes" thing back when I started the Series- to let Edward off the hook a bit as far as being the one to bring Alice to Aro's attention in New Moon. I think that one way or another, Aro eventually would have found out about Alice, and Edward knew that (at least in my head). It was still enormously stupid of him to go to Italy, but at least this way, he wasn't being _completely_ stupid. We love him anyway :)**


	16. Introspection

**We're getting (slowly) closer to the resolution of the Edward/Carlisle awkwardness that has been going on since 1931- If you remember, I promised in a couple author's notes that it would take Jasper to help them fully understand each other. But, Edward being Edward, he will need to put himself through a bit more grief before we can get there.** **Never fear, there will be lots of fluff and fun along the way! I just can't guarantee that Edward will be cheerful during all of it.**

**Anyway, in preparation for this part of Edward's journey, you may want to re-read the first section of 1935, Chapter 16. The second half of Chapter 15 would be nice too, but not quite as necessary.**

* * *

"Carlisle, how old am I?"

Alice's questions always came out of the blue, and this was no exception. I was playing the piano in the living room, while Carlisle read in his chair and Alice lay sprawled on the carpet, surrounded by the hundreds of fashion magazines that Rosalie had gotten for her. Carlisle laid down his book, amused.

"I don't know, Alice. Without your human memories-"

"I know, I know. But you're a doctor! Can't you look at my teeth or something?"

Carlisle's response was interrupted by a thunderous _CRACK_ coming from the back yard. "Emmett!" he called _._ "You have to wait for a thunderstorm!"

"How am I supposed to perfect the design if I can't test the prototype?!" Emmett yelled back.

"Thunderstorm," Carlisle insisted, picking up his book again. "And aren't you supposed to be mowing the lawn?"

Emmett growled, but we soon heard the distinct sound of a starter rope hissing along its course. A second later, the motor of our new Whipper-Clipper roared to life, and Alice screamed, jumping almost to the ceiling in her surprise. Carlisle and I both laughed at her as she landed in a defensive crouch on top of her scattered magazines.

"It looks like it's possible to surprise you after all," Carlisle chuckled. _Hmm, I wonder…_

"Haven't you ever heard a gas mower before, Alice?" I teased.

"No! I never really spent any time around people's houses. What an awful racket!"

I agreed with her. I thought gas mowers were more trouble than they were worth, to say nothing of the noise and the awful smell of gasoline. Needless to say, I was grateful to have won the bet against Emmett last week- thanks to Alice.

"Teeth?" Alice said, hopping onto the couch beside Carlisle. He laid his book aside again.

"I'll try, Alice, but I don't think we'll learn much. Half of the point of looking at teeth is to determine age by wear and tear." Alice opened her mouth and he peered inside, smiling at his first foray into vampire dentistry. "Sorry," he said after a moment. "Your teeth are perfect, as I expected, and of course far sharper than they ever would have been as a human. But maybe…" He reached up and prodded around her skull, examining how closed her sutures were. "Nineteen or twenty, I'd guess, based on your skull development. But that's a very rough guess."

"Nineteen," Alice decided. "I want to be the same as Jasper."

Carlisle laughed, picking up his book again. "Esme is older than me, Alice, by three years."

"Really?"

"Really."

I shook my head, smiling as I shifted into a new song. Alice knew so much about us, but her "observations" were still filled with holes, especially as she hadn't really gained much control over her visions until 1922. She had been asking questions all week, eagerly filling in the gaps in her knowledge. Her questions seemed to appear out of nowhere, and covered all sorts of topics. When did Esme learn to drive? How come Carlisle had never lived with the Denalis? Did Rosalie have any sisters as a human? How many houses did our family own, and where were they? What was my human mother's maiden name? What did London look like in 1660? Why didn't Emmett ever take a turn folding laundry?

Jasper had questions, as well, but he was a bit more circumspect. Alice just blurted out whatever came to mind; she was still enthralled with the idea of being able to finally _talk_ to us. As the days went on, my new brother and sister were feeling more and more a part of our family, and Jasper was relaxing more each day. He was especially enjoying his construction project with Esme; I had caught him thinking the other day about how after so many years of destroying things, it was nice to be using his hands to build something. He also just enjoyed being around Esme, period. Her emotions were always so warm, he said- that if he could remember what it felt like to be cold, being near her was what it might feel like to come upon a campfire after hours of wandering in the rain.

My new brother was still a mystery to me. He said things like that sometimes, and it was so at odds with his reserved personality, not to mention his violent, battle-hardened past. He just didn't seem like the type to be so poetic, so… _emotional_. And yet he spoke of our emotions – even his own – as though he were discussing the weather, or the way Emmett and I might ramble on about baseball statistics. It was simply the language he spoke in… and thought in.

I was learning some very interesting things about my family, through Jasper's thoughts. He generally didn't think in words about what he was sensing from us, but he sometimes did, as he mulled over what he was observing. I had never known, for example, how much Rosalie admired Esme. I knew that she had long since come to think of Esme as her mother, in every way, but there were certain times that Jasper noticed her heart swelling with love, admiration… even awe: like when Esme made a flower arrangement for the dining room table, or when she observed Esme being particularly patient with Carlisle.

It was also quite a revelation to "overhear" the jealousy that Carlisle sometimes felt whenever Esme came home after a long day out doing errands. The only reason I even knew that Jasper had sensed this was that he was confused by why Carlisle was feeling jealous, and it took him a few days to figure out. He finally made the connection: it only happened when Esme was telling a story about some conversation or other she had had that day… with another man, regardless of who that man was. It was so utterly ridiculous for Carlisle to feel this, and yet he did. When Jasper finally made the connection, he had counted down from three seconds in his head, and then thought _right on schedule._ He then turned his eyes to me, registering my curiosity. _Carlisle is a man of deep emotion, Edward, like yourself. But he often feels guilty within three seconds of experiencing certain emotions, especially…_ He had cut off his thought abruptly, switching to an intense effort to remember what color his dog had been as a young boy. Struggling against his patchy human memories was his new way of keeping me out- it was surprisingly effective.

Alice was also stirring things up. I had unrestricted access to _her_ gift, and what a gift it was. She had an average of two hundred visions per hour, and that was when she _wasn't_ making a particular effort. At least that number was shrinking daily, as she grew more secure in her new home; it seemed that her gift instinctually checked ahead whenever she worried about Jasper, or felt unsure of herself. The more comfortable they both got, the higher percentage of her visions were deliberate. I appreciated the decline in "unplanned" visions per hour, because I was still getting used to the bizarre feeling of seeing things before they happened. I was starting to share Alice's bad habit of answering questions before they were asked- though in all fairness, I had sometimes done that anyway, before her arrival.

But Alice's visions were helpful- there was no doubt about that. We hadn't done much with the weather possibility yet, though we were all excited to test it out. But I was already learning to take advantage of her gift, when it was called for. I had managed, just in the past week, to avoid two fights with Rosalie because of Alice warning me ahead of time not to put my foot in my mouth. She had also prevented a window from being broken (Emmett) and the front door from being knocked off its hinges (Emmett and Jasper). But most importantly, she had saved William Cummings' life.

It had happened this past Monday. My friend had decided to drop by and see if I was all right, no doubt due to my failure to appear at graduation the week before. If the rumors hadn't already been flying by then, I hated to think what my classmates had come up with once they realized I wasn't there to receive my certificate. Alice had been helping Esme put away the laundry- a task which had suddenly grown larger with their arrival- when she gasped in horror, dropping the clothes down the stairs. We all flew to her side, and Jasper murmured for all us to give her some space, and wait for the vision to end. But I didn't have to wait- I saw it for myself. In the vision, Jasper and Emmett were having a wrestling match outside when William's car pulled up. No one was else was home- Alice, Esme and Rosalie were planning on going shopping after the laundry was done, and I had already been on my way out the door to buy some more blank sheet music. William must have just decided to swing by, because we only had fifteen minutes.

The future was clear: Emmett hadn't been able to restrain Jasper, and that was that. Before Alice had snapped out of her vision, I told everyone that we needed to stay together, and that we needed to leave the house immediately. The future containing Jasper's accident disappeared a second later, and we all retreated deep into the woods until it was safe. When we got back to the house, William's scent was on the door along with a note that read:

_Edward,_

_Just stopped by to see if you were all right. Give me a call sometime._

_William_

Jasper apologized to everyone, and we all assured him of our forgiveness- not that he had actually done anything. But it had been a close call, and Carlisle finally introduced the idea of the blood challenges to Jasper, who reluctantly agreed to give it a try. They were due to begin tonight, since Carlisle was off work.

I was grateful, of course, that my friend had been spared. But seeing Alice's gift used for such a serious purpose made me uneasy. It made me wonder, again, why they had arrived at the moment they had. It also made it difficult to think about leaving, knowing that I wouldn't be able to hide my true destination from her. So far, it seemed that her visions hadn't registered my plans, but I knew that they would, once I did decide to leave. My departure didn't seem as urgent, at least, now that Rosalie and I were getting along again. And I had, for the past two weeks, been distracted by our visitors, and I hadn't felt safe leaving my family with them, at least at first.

But the close call with William served to make me realize that, if anything, my family was now safer than ever. I had always been the lookout, the one who could read the minds of the humans around us and determine when we were in danger of our nature being suspected. But now we had Alice. She might not be able to read minds, but she had something even better: an alarm system. If anything important was on the horizon, she would know about it. And once Jasper learned to be around humans again, he would be able to sense any suspicion or sudden fear directed at our family. I truly wasn't _needed_ anymore, in that way. Not a pleasant realization, but a freeing one.

The incident also brought back to mind all the disasters that I had caused, just before Alice and Jasper had arrived. And now that I was comfortable with my new brother and sister staying here, there was really no reason to put off the inevitable. I still needed to go. I still needed to crush my monster into submission. Not that he himself was capable of improvement- I understood that now. But I needed to conquer, once and for all, that part of myself which was weak, that had released him from his prison. I needed to drive myself to the breaking point, to exercise my will in such a way that I would never again put the humans around me in danger. I had to do this, because it was the only way to fend off the tremendous weight of guilt that was, once again, threatening to crush me.

Medical school had become, over the past few years, the answer. It was not just a dream that I hoped to achieve, for all the various smaller reasons that I had pursued it. No, it was the vehicle through which I was going to _finally_ atone for the heinous crimes I had committed. I was finally going to be able to save lives, and not only from myself. I had known that it might take some time, if saving nine hundred and thirty-seven lives was my goal; with my youthful appearance, I would have to start over often enough. And truthfully, I doubted whether anyone except myself was keeping score that way. But this atonement was also for Carlisle, for what I had done to him.

Our family – now seven strong- was dedicated to one another, and to the efforts that we each made to renounce the darkness inside of us. Jasper's reluctant willingness to begin the blood challenges later tonight was evidence of that. But there had been a time when _I_ had not been willing. There had been a day when I had thrown away everything my father had taught me, and turned aside from the path he had set me on. Carlisle had assured me, many times over the years, that he had forgiven me for that day. And I believed him.

The trouble was that forgiveness, coming from a man like my father, meant little. Carlisle was all kindness, all generosity, all understanding; of course he had forgiven me. It was just the sort of thing he _did_. What Jasper had first perceived as weakness was actually a strength. It wasn't optimism, per se. It wasn't even idealism, not really. Carlisle had seen enough of the world, and the darkness in it, to be philosophical. But the man was an endless, stubborn fountain of _hope_ \- hope in the possibilities around him, and hope in the good intentions of his family. I didn't think he was capable of _not_ forgiving me. He simply lowered his expectations to match my performance, and accepted it. His disappointment was, no doubt, buoyed by his hope that perhaps someday, I might become worthy of the future he had created me for.

And so this endless supply of hope in me was exactly what cheapened itself, and made meaningless his forgiveness. Not that I wasn't grateful to have it; I was. I wouldn't want to be anywhere in the world except here, a part of this family. And that was exactly why I had to leave them soon, so that I could return to them sooner. Only when I returned, I would be a new man. I would finally have the strength of will to assure Carlisle that I was worthy of being trusted… trusted to not make mistakes, and trusted to eternally honor the values he had passed down to me. His complete disregard of the need for this assurance only made me more determined to offer it. I would finally be deserving of the forgiveness that he had so easily given me. Only then would I feel that I had absolved myself of the sin I had committed against him. Only then would I be ready to try again, to put forth a stronger effort towards the atonement that emulating his vocation would bring me.

My fingers had continued playing while my mind had drifted. Without my planning, they had transitioned into a song that I hadn't played in years. In fact, I hadn't played this song since its inception in 1920. There was no title, no words; just hope, set to music. This was the song I had written for Carlisle, back when I was just beginning to settle down after my newborn difficulties.

My beginning had been especially difficult, because of my gift. I had suffered not only from the usual raging thirst and emotional instability; I had to learn to deal with Carlisle's thirst, as well as my own. I had to learn to deal with his thoughts regarding work, and the bloody imagery – not to mention human scents- that he so desperately tried to avoid thinking about. And then, when I had been physically ready to move closer to humans, I entered an entirely separate phase of adjustment, as I was driven nearly insane with overstimulation from the thousands of minds I found myself near. It had taken months to learn how to keep the crowd of voices in the back of my mind, so that I could think clearly myself.

And through all this adjustment, Carlisle had been patient. He hadn't anticipated such a complicated beginning to his creation. He was obliged to spend hour upon hour trying to help me stay calm, training me to separate my own thoughts from his own, and later from those of the human populace. He fed nearly as often as I did, in the beginning, in an effort to quiet his own minute thirst for my sake. Once he returned to work, he immediately requested a transfer to less bloody duties, in order to help keep his mind free of those images which tormented me. He had worked tirelessly with me on the desensitization to the thoughts around me, sometimes spending whole days driving me closer and farther from the town. He had not only missed nearly a year of work altogether, but he often took time off after returning as well, to help me cope with whatever my throat or my mind was plaguing me with.

And so once I had finally calmed down in 1920, and mastered both my thirst and my gift, I wrote this song. It was my silent thanks for all that Carlisle had done for me, for the faith he had had in me all along, when I hadn't believed his promise that the madness would someday settle. The composition was quite simple, being one of my earliest. The musical phrases were set in triplets, the tone of the piece ascending from minor, diminished chords towards a higher key at the end, ending in the major. It was a tribute to the hope that Carlisle had given me, and to the hope that inspired him to daily continue his generous mercy not only towards myself, but towards everyone he found himself near. I had never told him about the piece back then, not wanting to make him relive the hell I had just put him through. Perhaps when I returned…

"Are you finished yet?"

My fingers finally stumbled over the song, and my eyes jerked open to find Jasper standing less than a foot in front of me.

"Finished with what?"

_With whatever deep pool of self-deprecation is on the menu today. I need your help with something._

I scowled up at him. "Fine." I stood and closed the lid over the keys.

"What was that song, Edward?" Carlisle asked. "I haven't heard that one in years."

"I've _never_ heard it," Alice said curiously.

"It's nothing."

I followed Jasper into my new bedroom, my eyes scanning over the progress he and Esme had made. The addition extended the house another fifteen feet into the back yard, and I was grateful to be so far from the other bedrooms. Esme had been especially creative with the back wall, installing five windows of various sizes and placements. Once Jasper and Emmett got the painting done, I would begin building the bookshelves. Would I finish them, before leaving? I wasn't ready to decide, not yet.

"What did you need help with?" I asked.

Jasper crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the drywall. _I could ask you the same thing._

I frowned, closing the door behind myself. "I don't know what you're talking about."

_Yes, you do. Your mood has been plummeting over the past week- and you've been filled with uncertainty, as well. I'm concerned about you._

"I'm fine."

_Look, Edward. I don't expect you to confide in me- we've only known each other for a few days. But if this is something about Alice and me joining the family, I need to know about it._

"It has nothing to do with that," I said quietly, glancing back toward the living room. Did he really have to do this here? At least the lawnmower was nice and loud at the moment.

_Are you sure? Because you were fine until we were officially accepted last week. Ever since then, your emotional state has been deteriorating. It took a nose dive after my... after your friend stopped by on Monday. And today you've been even worse, especially the last ten minutes. You've even been feeling some apprehension, and it's been directed at Alice._

This was unbelievable. Not only did I have to worry about Alice catching my plans in her visions- now I had Jasper wanting to psychoanalyze me. I was beginning to understand what Rosalie meant when she complained about not being able to think in her own house. But he meant well.

"Jasper, I assure you, I have no problem whatsoever with you or with Alice. All right?"

Jasper eyed me for a moment, his gaze sharp; I could practically feel the tendrils of his gift sweeping through me. _All right. And I can see you want me to back off. But I can help, you know, even if you don't want to talk about it. I want to help._

I nodded. "Thank you. But as I said, I'm fine. The room looks great, by the way." Jasper nodded his thanks, and I turned to go.

_You're different than I expected._

I sighed, turning back around. "How so?"

Jasper pulled away from the wall, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. I saw several memories fly through his head- Alice talking about me, worrying over me.

"Well, I already told you what my first guess was: that you were dangerous, and used your gift to manipulate the others. I quickly lost that impression, though, after Alice explained things. She's always felt very…" he frowned. "…protective of you. I suppose that once I accepted the fact that you might not be the telepathic enforcer that I originally thought, I got the impression that you were an emotionally unstable, needy child."

"Ah."

"Your futures, according to Alice, have always been very unpredictable, very chaotic. So you can imagine why I was reluctant to expose myself to your emotions. I expected to feel a certain amount of… turbulence."

"And you haven't?"

He smiled. "No, I have. At least, this week I have."

"Then what's the unexpected part?"

He tilted his head, studying me. "Your emotions are far more developed than I expected. Far more mature, and complex, I mean. And your feelings, especially for your family, run very deep."

"How can you tell what feelings are related to other people?"

Jasper paused, looking thoughtful. "I can usually tell when someone's emotions are directed at a certain person. It's a matter of their… aura? No, that's not quite right…" He thought for another moment, shrugging. "I can't explain it. I can just tell when an emotion is directed inward, versus toward a certain person- and I can usually tell which one, if they're in the same room. Or to an object, or an event- though those are a bit harder. Let's say that Emmett is feeling excited; it might be because Rosalie is coming home after several hours away, in which case I would feel the excitement being projected in her direction. But I might also be tipped off by the amount of love and longing being experienced along with the excitement, indicating that he's thinking about Rosalie. Or maybe those emotions will spike when someone mentions her name, or when he hears the sound of her car pulling off of the highway. Now, let's say he's excited about a baseball game- that's a bit more complicated. I don't feel any direction, per se, in that situation, but I might get a clue if his excitement if accompanied by a sense of energetic anticipation, or of mischief directed at you or me, if he's planning on making some sort of wager."

"Or if he _says_ he's excited about the game."

"That too. But I don't think people are always aware of their emotional state, or interpreting it correctly." _Take you, for example. You are far from "fine"- see, there you go again! What could you possibly have to feel so guilty about?_

I sighed, resisting the urge to squirm under Jasper's analysis. "You were saying?"

"Yes. I was saying that I've been surprised to observe how deeply you feel for your family. You love each one in a different way, but in a very powerful way. You feel a great deal of responsibility- though your guilt is so tangled up in your other emotions, I can't sort it all out, yet." _Particularly in terms of Carlisle. But judging by how ashamed you feel right now, I'm guessing you don't want to talk about that._

I frowned. "Not particularly, no."

"Anyway, your feelings toward each person are relatively constant, at least so far- that fact is especially surprising. Though perhaps your emotional relationship to Rosalie is a bit more…"

"Turbulent?" I offered.

He smiled. "Yes. You two bring out some very strong emotions in each other."

Now we were in safer territory. "We've always had sort of a knack for that," I muttered.

He laughed lightly. "I know. " _I can't imagine why Carlisle ever thought that you two…_ He clamped down on his thoughts quickly, and my suspicions returned. Why had they come on the day they did? I no longer suspected them of any sort of foul play, but the irony was just too obvious. Why would they come literally hours before I had been about to leave? It couldn't just be a coincidence. But if they were trying to replace me somehow, why didn't Alice foresee that they should have just waited a few more hours? Or why not wait longer, so it would look less suspicious?

Jasper flinched, and I suddenly felt better. Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way- maybe they had come that week because Alice had seen that our family was having a tough time. She knew, perhaps, that giving Esme someone new to fuss over would lessen the blow of my departure. And that was exactly what would happen, soon. I should be grateful that she...

"Stop that," I growled. "You know I can see you doing it."

_Sorry, reflex. But I've had to deal with your guilt and shame all week. I know that there's no point in asking you not to feel something, but it's harder, being this close to it. My offer to help was for my sake as well as your own._

"Are you saying that your influence just now was in self-defense?"

_That's exactly what I'm saying. Remember, I don't just observe the emotions of those around me. I feel them._

"In that case, I'm sorry," I said quickly. Should I back away from him? It hadn't occurred to me that my problems were actually affecting him. I had been so concerned with deflecting Alice that I hadn't even bothered to try to control myself for Jasper's sake. He would probably be relieved when-

"That is _not_ helping," he said with a frown.

"Sorry. I mean, I'll try to do better."

He smiled, shaking his head. _Guilt over guilt over guilt- that's a first._ _I've felt guilt stacked on other emotions, but this is definitely a first!_ He seemed delighted, even as he winced at whatever noxious emotions I was emitting.

I finally backed away, giving him some space. "I'm sorry," I said lamely, for the third time.

"No, don't trouble yourself. Us 'gifteds' all have some extra things to get used to. But I appreciate your concern." He hesitated briefly. "That was what surprised me the most, actually."

"What?"

"That you were the one to defend me, that first night. I had already been able to tell, by that point, how protective you felt of your family. I fully expected you to lie about my thoughts in order to ensure our dismissal. Imagine my surprise when you were the one to convince Rosalie and Carlisle to let us _stay_. I still haven't quite figured that out."

I shrugged. "Everything I said was true."

"Regardless, you have my thanks. I'm in your debt."

I shook my head. "Hardly. We're family now, remember?"

He grinned as he inhaled my warm affection. "Now that's the type of emotion I could get used to."


	17. In Which Edward Gets Painted Light Blue

**Time for a fun chapter!**

* * *

Esme and Rosalie returned home an hour later. But instead of hearing one engine pulling up to the house, we heard two. We all went outside to meet them, Alice and I sharing a curious smile as we shared her vision of what we were about to see. Carlisle knew what the surprise was as well, though this was the first time I had caught him thinking about it.

Rosalie got out of the Lincoln, wearing a polite, disdainful expression. Esme, on the other hand, was getting out of… something. I didn't even know what it was called.

"What is _that_?" Emmett asked, pointing to the vehicle in question.

"It's a passenger van," Rosalie said distastefully.

Esme spread her arms wide with a flourish. "It's a Volkswagen Type Two, hot off the press! Surprise, everyone! Well… almost everyone," she laughed, looking at Alice.

"I didn't see it until this morning!" Alice promised. She jumped up once to peek inside, and then decided to leap up onto the roof, hanging upside down to get a better look. The body was green, and while there weren't windows all around, there were still so many. The van as a whole had an odd, cubical look. It was as if someone had taken a full-sized bus and smashed the front end right off.

"It looks like a bus," I said, wrinkling my nose. "And a malformed one at that. Whatever did you get it for?"

"We wanted a way to drive all together," Carlisle explained, stepping forward to open the hood- which was nearly the size of a vehicle itself. But his hand paused in mid-air. "Where's the engine?" he wondered aloud.

"In the back," Rosalie growled. _It's unnatural._

Carlisle walked around the green monstrosity, continuing his explanation as he finally found the hood. "Now that there are more of us, we'll need to start heading out farther when we hunt. And there's plenty of room for all of us."

"And a few more?" I teased.

Carlisle looked horrified. "Edward, you know I have no intention of-"

I held up my hands, laughing. "I was referring to the Denalis, when they visit!"

"Oh! Then, yes." He closed the hood. "Well, why don't we try it out?"

Esme opened the double doors with a proud flourish. It looked even bigger inside, and it looked like some of the seats could be removed, if desired.

"What are those straps laying on the seats?" Jasper wondered.

"Seat belts," she said with a mischievous smile. "I thought it would be a nice touch for our cover story, since Carlisle is a doctor. He wants to keep his family safe, don't you think?"

I snorted. "You paid extra for _seat_ belts?"

She laughed and opened the other door, leaping up into the front passenger seat. "Come on, kids!"

We all piled in, Emmett and Rosalie taking the back seat over the engine, Alice and Jasper in the next row. I was left to the bench behind Carlisle and Esme, since it was already half filled with shopping bags. Alice was about to peek into the bags, but decided to peek into the future instead, squealing when she saw herself trying on her new jeans. The ladies shrieked when Emmett threw his weight against the side of the van, rocking the entire thing sideways onto two wheels. Alice hadn't been checking ahead this time, and Jasper was more than happy to catch her as she tumbled onto him.

"Be nice, Emmett," Rosalie sighed. "It'll fall apart if you breathe on it."

I banged my fist gently against the metal. "It seems sound to me."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "It's _German_."

"The war's over, babe," Emmett said, scooting up against her. The van righted itself and slapped back down onto the driveway. "Besides, with a back seat like this…"

" _No_ , Emmett!" Jasper and I growled in unison.

"This is a family vehicle, you two," Esme said from the front. "Behave yourselves back there!"

Carlisle started the engine, and Jasper tensed, gripping the seat with one hand and Alice with the other.

"Jasper, haven't you ever ridden in a car before?" Esme asked. He shook his head.

"No, ma'am." _Don't see why people got rid of horses, myself. Although I don't think that would work, in our case._

"Probably not," I agreed aloud. Then I nodded toward the back seat. "Emmett and Rosalie went up in an airplane a couple of years ago."

Jasper frowned. "An airplane? Wasn't it… crowded?"

"Very," Rosalie said. "And it smelled awful."

"Awful?" _I would think it would smell wonderful. All that blood in one place…_

"Just imagine a crowd of people smoking and drinking for four hours… in a box," Emmett said, making a face. "The air just got thicker and thicker. By the time we got to Vegas, we vowed never to fly again."

But Jasper was still intrigued by the idea of having an airplane full of humans, all to himself. He was imagining what it might smell like. How long it had been since he'd had more than one at a time. How _easy_ it would be to-

"Jasper," I said sharply.

He flinched, snapping out of the fantasy. _Sorry. It's been nine weeks… I've never gone this long._

"You should hunt before we start the challenges tonight," I said. He nodded, swallowing his venom.

Carlisle glanced up at me in the rear view mirror. _"We"?_

"Of course," I answered. "You need me to-"

He shook his head slightly. _We'll talk about it later. Not in front of Jasper._

I frowned, but he turned his attention back to the road. The engine was protesting already, despite the fact that we were going a measly fifty miles an hour.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" Emmett complained.

"I'm still accelerating," Carlisle said, his eyes sparkling with silent laughter. Rosalie just sank her face into her hands.

"I'm lucky I don't have any friends right now," she muttered. "Because I wouldn't be caught _dead_ in this thing if I did."

"Shucks, you're already dead anyway, darlin'," Emmett drawled. We all thought his impression of Jasper was quite good- even Rosalie laughed.

"I don't say 'shucks'," Jasper muttered. Alice just kissed him on the nose.

"This is pathetic," I complained. "I could run _backwards_ faster than this. With my eyes shut."

"You could not," Emmett said with certainty.

"Yes, I could. And no, I do not want to make a little wager." I kicked the cans of blue paint sitting next to my feet. "I have that paintbrush right where I want it- in _your_ hands."

Emmett growled his disapproval, but Rosalie silenced him with a long kiss. Apparently she didn't hate _everything_ about our new monstrosity of a vehicle. I sighed in frustration, but Jasper just laughed softly behind me, pulling Alice closer. It was all well and good for him to absorb their secondhand passion – he had Alice. I suddenly felt very awkward, crammed into a metal container with three blissful couples. At least two of those couples had a sense of decency.

"Would you two _please_ think about something else?" I moaned.

Carlisle cleared his throat, and they dutifully sat back up. "I think we'll head back home," he said, grinning in the mirror at Emmett. "Somebody has some painting to do."

.

.

.

The van seemed to go even slower on the way home, if that were possible. But the purchase was a good idea, nonetheless. No one said it out loud, but we all knew it was for Jasper's sake. This way, we could all travel together without having to worry about his self-control every time we ran too near to a town or road. And Carlisle was right – we really did need to start hunting in more locations, considering our numbers and Jasper's appetite. I just hoped that Rosalie would be able to do something about the speed.

As soon as we got home, the ladies disappeared upstairs to try on their jeans, and Emmett threw me a dirty look as he and Jasper went off to start the painting. This left Carlisle and I still standing outside by the van.

"I understand the need," I said as I touched the side of the van, "but this is, by far, the _ugliest_ thing you've ever bought."

"I can't argue with that," Carlisle said with a smile. "I think I'll stick to the Ford, for work."

"Five children and four vehicles," I mused. "Not bad, considering you were a bachelor at the turn of the century."

"I know." _Amazing._

"How are we going to handle Alice and Jasper in the cover story?"

"For this location? I'm not sure we need to. Jasper won't be ready for society for some time, and Alice… well, I don't know. Do you think she's ready to be around humans? On a regular basis, I mean?"

"She's fine. Her control is quite good."

"I don't mean that. I mean her… enthusiasm."

We shared a smile, both imagining how Alice might behave herself were she to enter a classroom. "I think high school would work," I said, "but since you already have Rosalie and Emmett entering college, I don't know. They wouldn't really be able to keep an eye on her all the time, and I can't start over until we move again."

He nodded, looking down at nothing. "Have you thought of anything particular you'd like to do now? We'll probably be here two more years."

I shrugged. "There's always correspondence school again. Maybe I'll finish up that mathematics degree. Besides, it's probably best if I stick close to Jasper for now."

"About that…"

I frowned. "Yes, about that. I need to be there tonight."

"No, you don't. I've never once smelled a human anywhere near that part of the forest, and it'll be the middle of the night."

"Wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? And what if Jasper loses control and attacks you?"

"He's not a newborn, son. I highly doubt that he's going to _attack_ me. And even if he does lose control, I'll just pour out the blood, like I did with Emmett. You don't need to be there. Both your gift and Jasper's have a way of magnifying thirst, and I don't want to make it any harder for him than it needs to be."

"Oh… I didn't think about that. I could stand beside you, then, and… what?"

Carlisle looked carefully at me. "This isn't just about helping Jasper, is it?"

I clenched my teeth, trying very hard to keep my face impassive. "No."

_Edward…_

"Just hear me out. I'm not saying that I need to go through the challenges all over again. I just think that it would be wise to check if my control has…. regressed."

"Regressed."

He waited for me to explain, and I cursed myself for even bringing it up. When I did eventually announce my departure, I didn't want Carlisle to suspect that my leaving had any connection to recent events. I should have just let this alone. But I _was_ curious about this, and the blood challenges presented a safe, measurable way for me to test myself, before and after my "treatment".

"Regressed," I repeated. "After… what happened at Yale."

"You haven't _regressed_."

"I think I have. When we went to see John Lewis together, he was getting a blood transfusion, remember?"

"And that made you thirsty?"

"Yes. A stronger reaction than other times I've seen patients receiving blood."

"I'm not surprised to hear that. Seeing your patient again brought back the memory of your struggles in the operating room. You didn't have any trouble with the car accident victim, did you?"

"What car accident victim?"

"The night that Alice and Jasper arrived, when you came to tell me about your suspicions. The patient right next to mine was receiving a transfusion, and he also had some lacerations. You didn't even notice, did you?"

"No… but I was distracted that night."

"It doesn't matter. Your control is exceptional, Edward- it still is. Your reaction to seeing John Lewis' transfusion was almost purely psychological, in my opinion. And the same could be said, at least in part, for your difficulty during his surgery. Thirst isn't just a physical phenomenon."

"I see your point. But I still want to be there."

"No."

"But don't you think I should-"

"I said _no_ , Edward." _I know you. You think your struggle during the surgery was some kind of sign that you aren't strong enough, and that you need to somehow push yourself even harder. Am I right?_

My jaw clenched harder. I _definitely_ shouldn't have begun this conversation. If I admitted this, it was going to be much harder to protect him from the truth later on.

_Look. It was an admirable goal, going to medical school. And I see no reason why you can't try again, if you want to. But we've spent enough time working on your control- worrying over it now isn't going to help you get past what happened. If anything, you need to spend less time worrying about it, not more. I won't have you obsessing over a problem that doesn't even exist. And as I said, I don't want to make Jasper's task any more difficult. I have no idea how this will work with him, and I don't need another variable introduced- especially when he can be affected by our emotional states. So please, let this go._

I inhaled slowly, forcing my hands and my jaw to relax. "Fine." He was right; this wasn't about me. And if I had any chance of convincing him - soon- that I wasn't leaving because of something like this, I needed to stop playing the self-absorbed teenager. "You're right, of course."

He sighed in relief. "Thank you." He tossed me the keys to the new van. "Now why don't you figure out somewhere to park this thing?" _Somewhere out of sight, preferably._

"Where are you going?"

"To work, to get the blood for tonight. I'd like you and Emmett to take Jasper hunting later on, after the first coat of paint is up."

"All right."

I moved the van back behind the garage, leaving the keys next to all the others inside. As soon as I entered the kitchen, my nose twitched at the offensive smell of fresh paint that was already filling the house. I made my way to the room in question, to find Emmett and Jasper painting at vampire speed. Esme and Jasper had completed most of the construction at human speed, but my brothers' faces were twisted in disgust as they made short work of their disgusting task.

"Carlisle said we should take Jasper out while the first coat dries," I said, leaning against the door frame.

Emmett nodded, kicking a paintbrush in my direction. "Why don't you make yourself useful? This stuff reeks."

"No way. You lost fair and square, and I'm going outside."

"We've both been working all day," Jasper protested. "All you've done is play the piano." _And be emotionally turbulent!_

"Composing _is_ work," I scoffed. "I'd like to see you two try it."

"Come on, Eddie," Emmett growled. "It's _your_ room."

"And it looks terrific," I said with a grin, stepping inside to survey their progress. "Don't forget about the…" I trailed off, tensing as I saw the devious look they were exchanging, and the plan in their minds. "You wouldn't."

They attacked together, before I could take another breath. Jasper dove for my feet as Emmett lunged for my shoulders, and I spun around to make my escape. I would have made it out of the room with time to spare, but I hadn't accounted for the ladder that was right behind me. I crashed into it just as Jasper locked his arms around my ankles. I grabbed the ladder as I fell, swinging it like a club at Emmett as he came at me. It crumpled with a groan against his face, and he snorted with laughter as he tossed it aside and grabbed my neck with his left hand. I fought them as hard as I could, but they dragged me over toward the paint buckets with ease, and Emmett used his right hand to dump an entire gallon of light blue paint all over me. I snarled and sputtered, finally twisting my feet free of Jasper's paint-slick grip. I landed a kick on Emmett's throat, which made him release my neck. I grabbed another paint bucket and sloshed the contents right at Jasper's head, but he dropped to the floor just in time, and the paint splashed all over Emmett's face instead. The best part was that he had had his mouth open to laugh at Jasper, who had been my original target.

Emmett coughed the paint out while Jasper shook with laughter on the floor- which was now a paint-soaked disaster. "Oh, that's just…" His eyes fell on the final bucket of paint, which hadn't been opened yet. _No sense in just one of us staying clean, is there?_

"Nope," I said cheerfully. Emmett lunged again, but for Jasper this time. Jasper tried to run, but slipped on the paint underfoot as he ran in place. Emmett held him down while I cracked the bucket open over his head. His golden hair quickly became a mass of sticky, drippy blueness. He shook his head to get the excess off, sending a spray of paint directly onto…

Esme's face.

"What do you three think you're DOING!?" she shouted from the doorway. We all froze, Emmett's hands still around Jasper's throat and me still holding the incriminating evidence of the third bucket right above his blue hair. Jasper's gift flashed to life and Esme relaxed her stern expression, looking around the room in amazement. Not only was the hardwood floor now soaked with paint, but we had destroyed the ladder, wasted all the paint for today, and there was a dent in the wall that looked suspiciously like Emmett's profile.

"Boost it," I whispered. Jasper concentrated his effort, and Esme's laughter bubbled over. She darted over to where we were crowded, but she slipped on the paint as well, shrieking as Emmett flicked out his foot, tripping her while she was off-balance.

"Emmett!" I shouted. Esme sat back up, the entire right side of her now blue. Rosalie and Alice finally made their appearance at the doorway, Alice's eyes sparkling with amusement. They both had their new blue jeans on, and I noticed now that Esme was also wearing hers… though we had just ruined them.

"What _happened_ in here?" Rosalie shrieked, backing away.

"All right," Esme said, her eyes flashing. "Who started it?" All three of us pointed at each other. Esme glanced back at Alice, who shrugged innocently- she wasn't about to give Jasper away.

"Well," she said, standing back up. "Since you _all_ started it, I think you can all repair the damage together- starting with the floor. I don't want to see a single speck of blue in the wood when you're finished. And that wall had better be perfect. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," we muttered together.

"Good. I'll bring you everything you need, because you three are _not_ walking through the house like that. When you're done working, you can go out the window and wash off in the creek. And Edward, something tells me this didn't start until you came back in the house. So you can be the one to go buy more paint and a new ladder, and next time leave you them _alone_ while they work. If this happens again, I just might decide that all the other rooms in the house need to be painted!"

We all nodded, doing our best to look contrite until her back was turned- though she herself was trying not to laugh until she left the room. As soon as she was gone, Jasper began shaking with silent laughter again. He was delighted to be scolded by his new mother, especially since he knew she hadn't really been angry- he had no memory of anything like this with his human mother. He thought about running and grabbing Alice with his blue, dripping arms, but she saw his plan and ran away shrieking, followed by Rosalie.

"Laugh it up, little brother," Emmett growled. "If you think paint smells bad, just wait 'til you smell paint thinner!"

My nose wrinkled at the thought. "We'd better get started," I sighed, looking around at the mess. "The paint's starting to dry."

But Jasper's gift blinked to life again, and all three of us collapsed back down into the blue puddle, laughing.


	18. Foiled

**I'm always so grateful for all the kind reviews, especially the in-depth ones! And I'm glad you all enjoyed the silliness of the last chapter (and blue vampires, of course). But you've had the fun.. now it's time to pay the price. Just remember: more angst now means a sweeter epiphany later on. I promise! At least this time the angst is delivered via pixie smackdown. Alice to the rescue!**

* * *

It took us the rest of the afternoon to get the paint out of the floor. By the time we were done, we had all sworn a solemn oath to _never_ get on Esme's bad side again, at least where paint thinner was concerned. I had never been so grateful to get outside into the fresh air before. And by the time _I_ was clean, I was feeling pretty sorry for Jasper and his shoulder-length hair.

After getting dressed again, I headed downstairs to find Carlisle laughing at Esme's account of our antics earlier. Jasper and Emmett were out on the porch, still half-blue and dripping from their turn in the creek.

"Shower's free," I reported, and Esme announced that since Emmett had thought it was so funny to trip her earlier, that he could very well have the last turn to clean off. Jasper smirked in triumph, leaving a fuming Emmett back on the porch.

"We need more bathrooms," he groused as Jasper shut the door in his face. Carlisle burst out laughing again as Jasper rushed through the living room toward the stairs, his blue hair painting a streak in mid-air as he passed. Alice and Rosalie were giggling together on the couch, and Esme raised her eyebrows, considering the truth of Emmett's statement. Carlisle recognized the remodeling-look in her eyes and pulled her close, wondering for the thousandth time how he had gotten the most amazing wife in history.

I smiled as I took in the sight of my family. We were in a good place right now, and my heart ached at the thought of leaving them. But it meant that I could return sooner, ready to move on with them when the time came. And if Carlisle wasn't going to let me help with the blood challenges, there really was no reason to delay. The others would be more than able to keep Jasper company when he ventured out to hunt. I hoped that by the time I returned, and we moved on, Jasper would be ready to come to school with the rest of us. I would even agree to return to high school, if it meant we could all start off fresh together.

I wouldn't tell anyone today, though. Both Carlisle and Jasper were preoccupied with beginning the blood challenges tonight, and while Esme wasn't _really_ angry about the paint, I should probably give her a couple of days before dropping this on her. But now that my mind was made up, I wanted to get on with it; I would leave this weekend. A sense of peace filled me, even as my throat burned against the prospect of my plans. But I would hunt one last time, before leaving, with whoever wanted to join me. This would _not_ be like last time. And while I would still be hurting Esme, she would have the comfort of her new children, and my assurance that I would soon return.

I stole a quick glance at Alice and her mind, to see whether my decision had triggered a new vision. But she was still giggling with Rosalie- they were practicing sitting different ways in their new jeans, and Carlisle was whispering in Esme's ear, asking why she wasn't wearing hers. This elicited a shriek of laughter from Esme herself, who hadn't expected Carlisle to be so interested in the ugly things.

"They're ruined," I announced cheerfully, "courtesy of Emmett." The front door shuddered under Emmett's pounding fist.

"I have another pair," Esme admitted softly. "Upstairs. You wouldn't like them…" But Carlisle headed right upstairs, pulling her along and mentally reminding me to take Jasper out hunting when I got the chance.

"I will," I murmured, smiling as I watched them disappear up the stairs. I supposed we should have taken Jasper out before we all cleaned off- maybe I could convince Emmett to come along as soon as Jasper came back downstairs. Then I could go ahead to the hardware store while he cleaned up, and-

Alice's laughter suddenly cut off, her mind swept up in a vision of me surrounded by swirling snow. Well, _that_ hadn't taken long. I tried not to react visibly, hoping to speak to her alone later. There was no point in trying to lie to her, even if this particular vision didn't give much away. It was better to explain things now, rather than have her get the full story next week and spill the beans to everyone in my absence.

But as soon as she snapped out of the vision, she shot to her feet. "I don't _believe_ this," she hissed at me, her eyes dark and flashing.

"Not here," I murmured, nodding toward the door.

"What?" Rosalie asked, frowning.

"Nothing," Alice growled, stomping over to follow me out. "Edward's just being an _idiot_ , as usual."

"Oh, is that all?" Rosalie said, picking up a magazine.

I sighed, opening the door and gesturing for Alice to go ahead of me. She shoved Emmett out of her way and started running. I had no choice but to follow. But what was she so upset about? All she had seen was me in the snow- for all she knew, I was planning to go skiing. But now she was furiously digging into my future as she ran, her visions zeroing in on my black eyes.

Once we were well out of earshot of the house, she spun around, her tiny finger in my face. "I know what you're planning," she scolded. "And you can just forget the whole thing."

"I can explain," I sighed.

"You don't need to explain," she snapped. "This isn't the first time you've created this future. I've seen it all before. Why do you think Jasper and I came when we did?!"

My eyes narrowed. "So you _did_ come because I was leaving."

"Of course we did! It was the only way to stop you!"

"I… what do you mean, stop me?"

Her mind scrambled for control, and she looked up at me with sad eyes. "I mean that I saw you leaving, the first time… and I saw what future it would lead to."

"Show me."

"No." She finally looked away. "You don't need to see that. It doesn't matter, anyway. The important thing is, we got here in time to stop you. I knew that you would feel the need to stay, to protect your family from the newcomers… especially if one had red eyes."

"I thought you were always going to come here."

"Yes, but we were going to wait for several more years. Until Jasper's eyes were golden, and his control stronger. But when I saw…" Her voice hitched as if she was going to cry. "When I saw your future change so suddenly, I knew that I had to stop you. And I did! Why are you deciding to leave again? Why were you leaving in the first place?"

"You're the clairvoyant," I said carefully, unwilling to share more than I had to. "You tell _me_."

"How should I know?" she said, her anger returning. "I've never understood half the decisions you've made. You have it so good here, Edward! What could possibly drive you to wander up into the Arctic and starve yourself?!"

I clenched my jaw, unsure what to say. Why should I explain myself to this slip of a girl? She might be my sister now, but that didn't give her the right to pry into my mind. _Or_ my future. I had been so concerned about the danger Jasper presented that it hadn't occurred to me that I should be worried about Alice. She already knew more than I had hoped. My hopes of getting her to keep her mouth shut were starting to sink.

"Why don't you just read my journal and find out?" I said through my teeth.

She sighed in exasperation. "I _told_ you, I don't do that on purpose. I wasn't even watching your future when the change came. Disasters like that tend to activate their own visions."

"What disaster?"

She just shook her head, her mind a steel trap. "Just trust me. You can't do this."

"Alice, I don't even know what you're talking about. There's no _disaster_. I'm only going for a few months… maybe a year. Two at the worst. Then I'll be back home." _And everything will be different._

She shook her head furiously. "You won't come back." She finally let me see just one blurry glimpse: myself, my bright red eyes looking down in anguish and a brick wall behind me. I flinched; I hadn't seen those eyes in a long time, except in my own memory. The image sent a burning wave through my mind, igniting other memories along with it… memories of my years away. The sight awoke smells, sounds… taste. And, as always was the result, the sea of faces. I backed away from Alice, holding my hands up in defense against the crowd assembling in my mind. Their whispers were already beginning.

_Murderer._

"Is that what you want?" she asked softly.

"That wasn't a vision," I protested shakily. "I can tell the difference. That was a memory of a vision. It was a long time ago. There was no need to-"

"No. That was a memory of the vision I had two and a half weeks ago." _That was where you were headed. And there was more._ _I don't want you to see it, but if you won't listen to me…_

"Show me the rest."

She sighed delicately, looking worried. _You won't like it._

" _Now_ , Alice!"

She frowned, closing her eyes and taking us back to a meadow. She was laying up against Jasper, humming the song I had written for Esme back when she was a newborn. That was strange enough, to hear the music coming from her at a time when she and Jasper hadn't even met up with us yet. But her song stopped after a moment as a jolt of happiness burst through her. _Jasper!_ she thought in a mischievous tone, and spun around in his arms to kiss him. I grimaced as she relived that, as well- but it didn't last long. The meadow disappeared from her sight, to be replaced by myself, running through the woods in the surgical garments I had been wearing in the operating room at Yale. I was literally running, moving- one of her "almost here" visions. A flash of white, and I was fighting with Emmett, my teeth bared in fury. Another flash of white. I was sitting atop the waterfall, staring down into the spray in disgust.

The flashes of white came faster now, bringing still images with varying degrees of clarity. The fight with Rosalie. Emmett yelling at Carlisle. Myself, leaning back against a tree in the dark with a look of grim determination on my face. Myself again, in the swirling snow, eyes black. Four more of these, the last with my fists tangled in my hair. I was lying in the snow this time, half-covered by a drift of white. The next one was the red-eyed portrait she had already showed me, but it was the full picture this time. I wasn't just looking down at nothing; I was staring down in anguish at the dead woman in my arms. I almost didn't recognize her, aged twenty-three years as she was. But it was her; there was no doubt.

It was Margaret Weiss.

"I would _never_!" I snarled, but Alice didn't open her eyes. It wasn't over yet. The images came faster, fuzzier now. I killed again and again, but it wasn't like before. It was women, always women. There was one picture of me trying to feed from a deer, but my eyes never changed. The women started to get younger in each successive picture. The final image was the most chilling of all: I was kneeling on a stone floor, a dark gray cloak weighing heavy on my shoulders. My eyes, still red, staring lifelessly at the shoes of the man standing smugly before me: Aro.

"No more," I choked out, "please." Alice's memories ended, to be replaced by the sight of me now. At some point during the onslaught, my horror had brought me to my knees, a grim mirror image of the last vision she had shown me. She dropped down beside me, her tiny arms not quite encircling my shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she sighed into my shoulder, "but you had to see that. You have to understand, Edward… that was where you were headed. That's why we had to come when we did."

"None of that would have happened. There is _no_ way, Alice. No way I could ever do those things!"

_You already did._

"That was only one possible future," I said stubbornly. "None of that might have happened. There are any number of-"

"No. That's not how it works. That was the road you were on… the only one."

"It could have changed."

Her eyes snapped back up to mine, defiant. "And it did change. It all disappeared, as soon as Jasper and I decided to come."

I stared back at her, overcome simultaneously with gratitude and revulsion. I was sickened by the fact that she held this future in her memory now. She would be living in the same house as me, knowing not only the darkness that I had already succumbed to once, but also the wretched depths that I had almost descended to. I was still reeling from the shock that I was even capable of such a monstrous future, but I also saw the true power of Alice's gift, and of her… love. She had literally _saved_ me from this.

"Thank you," I ground out.

"I never intended for you to see all that," she said sadly. "I saw how much it would hurt you. I'm not looking for thanks. I'm looking for trust."

"Trust," I echoed dumbly.

"Trust me when I say you can't do this. You've seen what could happen. What _will_ happen." She stood up, folding her arms across her stomach. She searched the future, only to find me still stumbling around in the snow. _And you STILL won't change your mind! What's the matter with you!?_

"It won't be like that this time," I said quickly. I jumped to my feet, my jaw set. "I'll be more careful. Just tell me how long I went without feeding the first time, and I'll make sure not to go that long."

"How am I supposed to know that?" she demanded. "My visions don't come with timestamps. One blizzard looks the same as another!"

"I'll just be careful," I repeated. "Now that I know the danger-"

"Have you listened to anything I've said?! You can't do this at _all_!"

"I _have_ to!" I hissed. "If what you've seen is even remotely possible, it means I'm still too dangerous. I'm still not strong enough. Those visions prove exactly _why_ I need to do this! No, listen!" I held up my hand, blocking her interruption. "I'll do it differently. Instead of stopping completely, I'll draw it out in segments. I'll wait longer each time, but only until I-"

Alice's eyes glazed over and she gasped as the new visions came, product of my decision. I was still in the Arctic, and looking calmer than the first time. But the pictures flashed one after another, until the same future as before began to unfold. Not Margaret this time, but a family of strangers, still in the snow. Their dogsled cracked in half, parents and children both dead at my hand. Alice shook with invisible tears, staring out into nothing as the pictures progressed, slowly lining up with the visions she had had before.

"Enough," I cried, but the visions went on. I grabbed Alice's shoulders and shook her, desperate to stop the nightmares that she was passing on to me. She gasped again, snapping out of it.

"Edward, _please_ ," she moaned. "You need to let this go. It's always going to end that way."

"I don't understand," I said stupidly. "I haven't _decided_ to do any of that. I thought your visions were based on the decisions people make."

She shook her head. "When a person makes a decision, a path is laid. Many of the… the landmarks of that future are a matter of course, based on that person's character. Don't ask me to explain that, because I can't. Why did I see Jasper when I woke up? Why did I see all of you- especially the ones that hadn't been changed yet? I don't know! Some things are just a matter of destiny!"

I shook my head. "It is _not_ my destiny to do those things, Alice. I refuse to believe that."

"Of course it isn't! What I'm saying is that there are some paths that you, being the person that you are, are not meant to go down. This is one of them. If you stay on this course, those things – or things like that – _will_ happen. Please, just trust me on this!"

My mind finally locked up, unable to proceed. Alice was asking me to lay down the one act that was supposed to fix everything. This was going to be the answer, the cure. I had come so close… or so I had thought.

"Edward," Alice sighed. "Listen to me. You _need_ this family. We all do. Just look at Jasper- the past he has come through, compared to the future he has now."

" _You've_ managed well enough alone," I protested bleakly.

"I was never alone," she said, her eyes still dark but sparkling now. "I had you all from the very beginning. Those visions gave me hope, and they taught me the right way to live. Without them… without all of _you_ , I would have become a total savage. I know, because I saw it. You're not the only one with dark possibilities, Edward. Every one of us is lucky to be here, and we all need each other. This life is hard enough as it is, and the choice that our family makes is even harder. We're just not _meant_ to do any of this alone. I guess I'm grateful, though, that you were about to try- it brought us here sooner." _So in a way… thank you._

"You're welcome," I said grimly.

She smiled, sad again. _You still haven't changed your mind. I don't suppose seeing the rest would help?_

My stomach twisted in protest. "There's more?"

She closed her eyes again, and I braced myself against what I was about to see: myself, no doubt, roaming the world under a cloak of servitude, my red eyes dull and without hope as I fulfilled whatever murderous duties I had been assigned. But Alice wasn't looking at my future this time. I saw Esme holding a picture of me and weeping, a perfect copy of her grief back in the late twenties- but no, she was wearing jeans this time. Emmett, his ever-present smile turned to melancholy, his laughter quieted. Alice herself, her eyes glazed over with a vision and her face a mask of guilty horror. Jasper was standing behind her, trying in vain to soothe her with some emotion. And Carlisle…. Carlisle on the roof, his head in his hands. Beside him lay a torn envelope, postmarked from Italy.

"Stop!" I begged her. "Enough. I won't go. I swear it."

The visions evaporated instantly. Alice searched again, reaching farther and farther until my future was a blurry sea of possibilities – but at least I was home, my eyes safely golden, our family intact.

"Thank you," she sighed, her shoulders drooping in exhaustion. _Don't ever do that to me again!_

I shook my head in defeat. "I won't."

Alice glanced back toward the house, her vision flicking through the next thirty seconds. "Jasper's coming."

He ran up, his hair dripping but golden again. "What's going on?" he demanded. "What are you doing to her?! I could feel her despair all the way back in the house!"

I backed away from Alice quickly; I hadn't realized how close I had been standing to her. "It's all right," Alice said, laying a hand up on his shoulder. "Edward was going to leave again, but it's passed. He's staying now."

Jasper's eyebrows rose as he searched my face, my emotions. "Oh. You told him, then?"

"Yes."

"Hmm." _So this is what you've been working up to the past few days._ _No wonder your emotions have been going haywire! I'm guessing Alice has shown you enough to change your mind?_

I nodded, burning with shame. Did Jasper know all of this, too?

"No," he said, answering my curiosity. "I don't know much of the details- and I don't need to. The point is, Alice knows- and you'd do well to listen to her. The sooner you learn that, the better." He wrapped his arm around her protectively, pulling her close up against him. _And I'll thank you to stop tormenting her with your idiotic decisions. You don't know what it does to her, to see those things._ _Her gift is a burden, Edward, especially when those she loves commit themselves to a painful future._ _I ought to know- I've put her through decades of fear and grief, myself._ _Don't add to it._

"I'm… sorry."

He nodded, turning and pulling Alice back toward the house. As I watched them go, I felt oddly warm and cold all the same time. I felt protected, safe… relieved to be spared the horrible future that Alice had shown me. Relieved that she had given me a decent excuse to stay with my family, to avoid the penance that I had imposed on myself. But I felt cold, bereft as well. My penance was gone, and so was the peace that it was going to bring me. I was supposed to go up there, crush the monster into submission once and for all, and come back a new man. I was going to be ready to try again- to succeed this time. To finally be worthy of the love and forgiveness that had been advanced to me. How could I go on, without doing that? How could I stay in this family, knowing not only how weak I had already proven myself, but how much depravity I was truly capable of? How could I stand to do _nothing_ about it?

But it seemed that nothing was exactly what I was going to do. Nothing- not even my own guilt- was enough to risk the future that Alice had shown me.

I would stay. Not with the peace that I was supposed to earn with my time away, though – that was gone now. I supposed it was never there to begin with. I would stay, but not because I wanted to. I would stay because I had to. I loved my family too much to do anything else. If this was the only penance I was capable of, then so be it. I would stay, and live with the shame of what I had almost done.

* * *

**We can't get the whole story via Alice's visions, but I have this whole AU tangent worked out -I might write an "AU Outtake" someday in which we see how Edward's plan led to that future. I still haven't decided the ending - there's actually three possible ways that this could lead him to Volterra and a cloak- but I would definitely like to write it someday. But thankfully, that's all gone now. Pixie power!**

**For those of you anticipating Jasper's first blood challenge, that's coming up next.**


	19. Plan B

**Sadly, we don't get to actually see much of Jasper's blood challenge, since Edward is not present. But I may turn it into an outtake someday. At any rate, I LOVED everyone's feedback from the last chapter. I don't think I've ever seen Edward slapped so much by reviewers LOL! He does drive us crazy, doesn't he? At least this round of his angst is finally wrapping up, and we can get into some other stuff for a while. Enjoy!**

* * *

I was grateful for the excuse of taking Jasper hunting. I was still reeling from the shock of Alice's visions, and from the plans that had just been snatched away from me. I wasn't ready to be back at home with the others, pretending that everything was all right. I had managed it this long only because I was delaying my departure, unsure when it would be. Now that my plans had come to nothing, I felt panicked, off-balance. I needed time to think, to get my bearings again.

I zipped back to the house, passing Alice and Jasper on the porch.

"Emmett!" I called up the stairs. "Hunting."

_Aw, come on! I just got clean!_

"Sorry," Jasper said, glancing up at the ceiling- and at Emmett's annoyance, no doubt. "But I think you should come, Emmett, just in case."

"Coming," Emmett grumbled as he shuffled down the stairs. _I never thought I'd be sick of hunting. This is what, the tenth time this week?_

"You know, Em, it's not necessary that you get filthy every time you go out," I muttered. "You're not even hunting half the time. And besides, this family _lived_ in the woods when you were a newborn, remember?"

"Okay, okay!" he protested. "I get the point. I'm just saying, it's good that that Jasper's starting up with the blood challenges."

"Can't wait," Jasper sighed. "Let's go."

.

.

.

We went to Coolidge this time, to mix it up. The routine was the same as always: I scouted ahead, keeping an ear out for humans. Emmett and I both stuck to Jasper like glue until he scented his prey, and then gave him some privacy while he fed. It was pretty simple, considering he never actually _hunted_. He fed the same way every time: he chose the first animal he found, raced up to it with a killing blow, and fed standing up. No favorites, no chase, no fight, no frenzy… just feeding. Emmett and I didn't understand it, but we hadn't said anything about it, after that first day.

I watched him now as he drained a second deer, still standing upright and still in complete control of himself. But I knew that it wasn't really control, per se; to him, all animals tasted equally wretched, and he simply couldn't enjoy the blood enough to lose himself in the frenzy. It was probably the reason he had to feed so often; I didn't envy him that.

Jasper finished and began to bury his prey. I frowned, rubbing my throat. Jasper's ever-present thirst had been difficult for me the past two weeks. And I hadn't hunted since their arrival, having been busy scouting for humans while Jasper fed each time.

"You two go on back without me," I told Emmett as Jasper rejoined us. "I'm going to hunt a little, myself."

I found a deer in less than a mile. I crept up behind it, my throat burning in anticipation. But as I delivered the killing blow, I decided to try feeding Jasper's way. I had done it only once before, the last time I had fed. I remained standing, lifting the deer's throat to my mouth and steeling myself against the frenzy. It was slightly more difficult than last time; I was far thirstier. But it was only deer blood, after all. I drained the whole thing without even closing my eyes. As soon as I had it buried, I moved on, soon catching the scent of a black bear; now that was more like it.

I stalked him for a few minutes, letting the thirst build back up again as I waited. Now I had a choice to make. The reason I had fed this way two weeks ago was that I thought it was my last meal, for the foreseeable future. I had needed to feed, to make my eyes golden for my farewell scene, but I had also been curious to see how much control I had over myself. I had wanted my last blood to be taken on my own terms, not the monster's. A fitting start to my plan.

But that future was gone now. Alice's visions had proved that I was too weak to control my monster by starving him. That plan was too drastic, too severe. But did that mean there was no other way? What if I were to continue feeding like this- allowing the monster his ration, but not his wildness? Perhaps, with this sort of moderation, I could slowly continue to improve myself, to make myself safer… more human.

I had, with years of practice, mastered the blood challenges. I had slowly but surely gained a higher level of control, though even that hadn't turned out to be enough. Did I have the patience to start another slow-motion battle?

I did. I _had_ to. Because the alternative- accepting an eternity of stagnancy and inadequacy- was unthinkable. It was all right for some of the others- Emmett, Alice, even Esme. They were as strong as they felt they needed to be, and I didn't fault them for that. They accepted what they were, and the risks associated with it. They had all had accidents in the past, and it could happen again at any time.

But that wasn't good enough for me. It wasn't good enough for Carlisle. He walked into that hospital night after night, _knowing_ that he wasn't going to hurt anybody. That was what I wanted: that certainty. It was what I _needed_.

The bear moved away, and I felt the familiar pull in my muscles. I would try it now, and see if it was even possible. Bear blood was worlds better than deer; this was going to be tricky. For one thing, I wouldn't be able to enjoy a good fight… and I should probably avoid the pursuit next time, as well, since it always got the venom flowing more. It was ironic that my example in this type of hunt should be the one among us with the worst control: Jasper.

I walked up to the bear, casually breaking his neck with one hand. I forced myself to wait… and that was when it got difficult. The monster finally realized what I was doing, and he raged against my choice. Every second that I waited, the blood was cooling, spoiling… but maybe that would help. I waited a full minute, and then slowly brought the bear's throat up to my lips like a glass of water. My whole body trembled as I fought the urge to fall to my knees, to bury my face in my kill like an animal. But I could do this. I took ten more slow breaths, pleased to feel the monster rebelling inside of me. I finally bit, forcing my eyes to stay open and focused on the tree in front of me as I drank. I almost lost myself halfway through, though; this was _very_ difficult. Just before the frenzy took me, I abruptly tore the bear's throat away from my mouth, dropping the animal half-drained and backing away from it. My hands formed claws of their own accord, and my lips curled back in an outraged snarl. The monster was not pleased.

_Not enough!_

"That's all you're going to have," I hissed. "Get used to it."

I shivered once, and my throat flamed in protest; the thought of stopping halfway was decidedly unnatural. Not that I hadn't done it before, but never while still thirsty, and certainly not with bear blood… to say nothing of mountain lion. It might be some time before I could test myself against _that_.

But I was pleased with my success today. I had discovered several variables with which to grapple: the pursuit, the fight, the instant gratification, and the frenzy itself. I was curious to see whether this new hunting style would necessitate feeding more often, or if, once I got better at it, I might actually be able to feed _less_ often. That was a variable that I could perhaps "graduate" to, later on: to see how many days I could push it, while keeping a decent eye color. This way I could conduct my battle in private, without my family worrying, or Alice seeing. And it would also keep the humans around me safe. It would be a slow-motion battle indeed: years, perhaps, before I would feel confident enough to try medical school again. But based on how difficult the bear had been, I was convinced it was a battle worth fighting; simply an isometric exercise of my will, versus concentric. I would fight the monster on any battleground I could think of.

I waited, motionless, to see if I needed to feed again. It was only the first attempt, after all. But I smiled as the thirst faded dutifully away- even the monster couldn't deny that he had been fed. On my way home, I checked in the mirror of a creek, verifying that my eyes were sufficiently golden. It had been a good-sized bear, and the deer had been large as well.

This was going to work. I was so, _so_ relieved to have found this other option. The end goal was the same as before: to become strong enough to try medical school again, and succeed this time. To prove to myself, to Carlisle, to the monster, that I could overcome the darkness inside of me- that it was possible for me to save lives instead of take them. To repay the enormous debt of human life that loomed over me. It would take longer this way, but time was one thing I had in abundance.

So when I got back the house, Jasper stared curiously, no doubt impressed by the positive change in my mood.

"Are you ready?" I asked, eager to get his attention off of my emotional state.

He shrugged, looking a bit uneasy. _As ready as I'll ever be._

Alice whooshed down the stairs, appearing in a new outfit; this was the fourth one today. This one was some kind of housewife-inspired white frock, with a fitted bosom and a pleated skirt that fell only to her _knees_. She spun gracefully around, and the mysterious folds of fabric flared out around her like a cloud. Jasper grinned widely, his trepidation forgotten.

" _You_ are beautiful," he said, lifting her up off the ground to kiss her. She crossed her arms behind his neck, and I turned away to give them some privacy. Alice and Jasper were relatively calm in terms of their passion, and I was grateful. I wouldn't have said that they were any less in love than Rosalie and Emmett; far from it. If anything, their bond was more intense. But they were often content to just stare into each other's eyes, or to sit near each other with only their toes touching, or not touching at all. I could easily imagine them being an elderly human couple; so comfortable with each other that silence, and nearness, were passionate enough. Of course, the opposite was also true- their love would be forever young, forever fresh, just like that of my parents and other siblings. Their love, while more appropriate for the society of their telepathic brother, was just as obsessive and absolute as that of any vampire couple.

While I was grateful for their restraint, there was a unique downside to living with their love: I could _feel_ it. It didn't happen often, thankfully. Jasper had learned, over the course of nearly a century, a great deal of control over the offensive side of his gift. But there were times, when he felt intense emotion, that he simply wasn't able to contain himself. It was one of the reasons he had parted ways with Peter and Charlotte; he knew that his depression was spilling into their own hearts and he wanted to spare them. I imagined that if Jasper were to get angry, truly furious, that we would all feel the effects whether he intended for us to or not. Thankfully, Jasper hadn't had occasion yet to get angry since his arrival. But he had, every minute of every day, his love for Alice.

It had first happened the day of his arrival, when Emmett and I were walking back home with him after he had hunted. They had been discussing their love for their mates, and for a brief moment, I had felt the most curious sensation of warmth, of floating in a sea of something wonderful. It had happened four times since then, always when Jasper was intensely focused on Alice. It was a glorious feeling, in a way, but I didn't want it. All it accomplished was showing me what I didn't have- what I might never have. Jasper had finally noticed, last week, the effect that his secondhand love was having on me, and apologized. He had been trying harder, since then, to contain himself.

But he couldn't really be blamed for feeling as he did. Even with those brief snatches I had inadvertently received, and even within the limits of my own gift, I was amazed at the sheer _power_ of his love for Alice. She was, in every way, the absolute center of his universe. The gentlemanly restraint that he practiced with her –at least when the rest of us were around- belied the totality of his devotion. It was so complete it was almost frightening. It reminded me, in fact, of the imprinting phenomenon I had observed in the werewolves' minds.

_Edward._

My attention shifted upstairs, to where Carlisle was.

_I'm taking Jasper out in a few minutes, but I wanted to tell you something first. Don't react visibly, please- I know Alice is down there with you._ _There's something I want to do for her, a surprise._ _No, don't try to fish it out of my mind- you might make a decision that would give it away._ _Someday- soon, possibly, I am going to ask you to distract Alice as much as possible, while I am preparing the… surprise._ _I'll tell the others the same thing when I get the chance._

That was it- his mind was already on the blood challenge, and two minutes later he came down the stairs, smiling at Jasper and asking if he was ready. His eyes flicked to me in question, and I nodded slightly to acknowledge his message. This should be interesting, whatever it was.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Jasper sighed, echoing his lack of enthusiasm from earlier.

"You can do it," Alice said softly. She stood up on her tiptoes, offering him the sort of kiss that a housewife might give her husband as she sent him off to work. He bent down to receive it, running the back of his hand down the side of her face in return.

_I would do anything for you._

I felt it then: a single burst of his overflowing love. I sighed wistfully, and Jasper quickly pulled himself back together for my sake. He followed Carlisle out the front door, and I turned to Alice.

"I suppose you'll be watching?"

She made a face. "I try _not_ to watch where human blood is concerned, thanks. I'm a vampire, too, you know."

"Ah."

"I'm going back upstairs! Rosalie is going to teach me how to do a pedicure. Want to come watch?"

Now _I_ made a face. "Certainly not. I'm going to the hardware store, to get more paint before they close. And a new ladder, since I broke ours on Emmett's face. "

 _Boring._ "Well, have fun!" She zipped up the stairs, but stopped halfway, turning back around. Her skirt flared out again. "So… you're okay now?"

"Yes. And I'm sorry for my rudeness earlier. I am very, very grateful for what you did for me today."

She smiled- a huge, girlish grin that made me smile in return.

"It's what best friends do for each other."

There was a streak of white up the stairs, and she was gone.

.

.

.

I was composing in my head while I drove to the hardware store. Now that I felt at peace again about my plans for myself, I could turn my attention to other matters. This was a song for Alice and Jasper, about their love. I was picturing the scene from this evening: Alice sending Jasper off with a kiss, his hand brushing her face, the absolute devotion in his thoughts. The song had an ethereal, other-worldly sound. There would be two other movements, preceding this part of the piece: one for each of them, representing their years apart. I hadn't written those yet. But I was sure Alice's theme would turn out to be some spritely, hyperactive melody dancing around high C. Jasper's… I wasn't quite sure yet. I would have to work on that one later. But for now, I savored the glimpse of true love Jasper had accidentally shown me tonight, using it as my muse for the "together" parts of the composition. I might as well do _something_ useful with it.

I hadn't composed anything in years for my own true love. In fact, I hadn't given her much thought lately. I had been occupied with medical school, but it was more than that. I supposed that I had sort of given up, after our world tour in the early forties. When we began our travels, I was hopeful that I might _finally_ be meeting her. We were going to explore the world, after all- and we did, in fact, come across plenty of vampires. First there were the Amazons- eligible females, indeed, but not exactly my type. Besides our difference in diet, I was put off by their wildness- frightened, actually, at least in the beginning.

As our travels continued, I learned a very disappointing truth: the vampire world was _not_ full of maidens waiting for their Prince Charming to arrive. I met only one girl, in fact, who bore any sort of resemblance to the fuzzy portrait I had been holding in my head all these years. Her name was Maggie, a recent addition to the Irish Coven. She was petite, beautiful, and, as Rosalie eagerly pointed out, her hair even matched mine. She was gifted, as well: she could instinctively tell when someone was lying, either in their speech or their behavior. Deception actually made her physically uncomfortable. She was friendly enough, though she had absolutely no sense of humor. She had a chillingly beautiful singing voice, and she and I ended up sharing some of our compositions- mine for the piano, hers for the harp. I genuinely enjoyed our time with her, and the rest of her coven. And the sad story of her human life did stir some protective emotions in me… but that was it. My heart simply didn't have anything else to say about her. Not that it would have mattered; she showed no interest in either me or my backwards diet.

And that was it. I hadn't met anyone else even remotely worth considering. When the War was over, we retired back to America, and my hopes began to fade. I knew, of course, that there was always hope; for all I knew, she hadn't even been born yet. Of course… she might _never_ be born. With each year that was passing, my disappointment was fading into cynicism. I stopped composing for her. I still thought about her sometimes, but no longer every day, and only with the slightest shred of hope. Anything else was not only pointless; it was sad. I didn't _like_ feeling incomplete.

But it wasn't until two weeks ago that I got my first real taste of what I was missing. I was sure I still wasn't getting the whole picture; it was only second-hand love, after all. And I knew that "love" was far more than an emotion. But still… it was eye-opening.

I considered myself to be a fairly intuitive person- a fair boast, I thought, considering what my gift was. I had had almost thirty years now of observing true love, and what it entailed. I had quickly learned, from observing my parents and their minds, that what they had was something wonderful… something I wanted. But now I saw how limited my observations had been. To actually _feel_ what that love was like… In those brief moments when Jasper's love for Alice echoed in waves through the house, I felt actual _warmth_. It felt like my heart was beating, pulling out of my chest. I felt my mind grow numb, as though thinking about anything except my mate was meaningless. I felt like I was lifting off the earth, its gravity made obsolete as every fiber of my being was pulled toward…

Nobody.

This was my problem. It would have been better if Jasper had kept the secret to himself- not that I blamed him, and not that I disliked the feeling itself- not at all. It was just that when he took it away, I felt so _alone_. I truly believed now, for the first time, that I was capable of a deep, mind-shattering love, and I had absolutely no one to give it to. Frustrating, to say the least. But it was good for one thing: it would make this composition a snap. I simply had to consider the love that Alice and Jasper held for each other, and put it to music. I was just getting to the fourth movement when I pulled into the parking lot. I rushed in at human speed; they were closing in fifteen minutes.

I decided to select a slightly darker blue than before. While I was waiting for the clerk to mix it, I casually roamed through the thoughts in the store. My attention snapped immediately onto a familiar mind: William Cummings. I didn't particularly want to talk to him- he would, no doubt, want the story of why I had dropped off the face of the earth. And I had already been planning to let the friendship die. But it might be wise to approach him now, so that he wouldn't feel the need to come knocking on our door again. I told the clerk that I would just be a minute, and followed William's mind into the electrical aisle. I found him squinting at the specifications of one of those newfangled television remote controls. He was wondering whether it was worth purchasing, when you had to keep it plugged into television anyway.

"Hello, William."

He spun around and smiled in surprise. "Edward!" He reached over and tapped my shoulder in the affectionate, careful way that he and Nick had always done. I nodded my own greeting. "I came by your house the other day," he said in a rush. "Did you get my note?"

"I did. It was kind of you to stop by, though I'm quite all right."

He frowned, remembering the whispers that I had flunked out of the program. "I just thought… I wondered if maybe you had gotten sick. I didn't see you at graduation." _Didn't hear his name, either- but he could never have flunked out! This is awkward… what should I say?_ He peered at my face, noticing the odd color of my eyes and my paleness. Nothing he hadn't seen before, but now he thought I looked unwell.

I nodded again, silently acknowledging the awkwardness of the moment. "I'm… taking some time off. Thought I might travel a bit, before I move on to the M.D." It was all true, technically: I did intend to try again, someday. And we would, no doubt, be moving at least twice before that day came. All at once, I felt sorry that I couldn't tell my friend the truth. For that was what he was: my friend. I wasn't his, not really. But I felt the urge to be a bit more honest, nonetheless.

"The truth is…" I inched closer, and he held his breath. "The truth is, I was asked to withdraw. There was some… unpleasantness down at Yale, that day you were sick. I was observing a heart surgery, and-"

" _Heart_ surgery?" he echoed, his face draining of color. "We signed up for a hand!"

"I know," I said darkly. "But the hand rescheduled." I paused briefly, a realization dawning over me. The hand patient changing her surgery date was, no doubt, the decision that had kicked off Alice's visions. Unbelievable. "Anyway, the blood was too much for me. I got pretty sick, and one thing led to another, and… well, Dartmouth was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing."

His eyes were as big as saucers now; he could easily imagine this scenario happening to _him_ , had he accompanied me that day. "And they just cut you loose?" he whispered.

"You know how the Board is these days," I said roughly. "They're all about their image, growing the school back up into a full-fledged M.D. program. And they need to keep up their relations with Yale. Sacrificing a student to keep their hands clean was an easy choice."

"But it's not right! Listen, my old man's a lawyer, and we could-"

I held up my hand. "No, it's all right. I really would like to take some time off. I'm only twenty, after all- I have plenty of time to try again, later on. It's fine, really."

William shook his head sadly. "It's still not right. Oh, man, Edward, I'm so sorry about this."

"Let's just keep it between us, all right? And Nick, of course."

"Of course. So, where are you off to in your travels?"

I smiled grimly, recognizing another chance to actually tell the truth. "I was thinking about heading North… or London, maybe."

"Well, I hope you do give medical school another go, and soon."

"I plan to. Good luck to you at Harvard, William. And give my best to Nick, would you?"

He shook my hand, unsurprised at my usual coldness. "You got it. Take care."

We parted ways, and I swung around to the construction section to pick up a ladder. As I carried the paint to the cashier, I watched William's thoughts carefully for any sign that he might try to visit the house again. But he was just lamenting the injustice of my misfortune, and thanking his lucky stars that he had gotten the flu when he did. He had no idea how lucky he really was, that he was even alive. I had invented the travel story on the spot, hoping to discourage any further visits. I just hoped he wouldn't mention it to anyone else- it might raise questions, if I was seen in town in the coming months.

When I returned home, the only minds I could hear were Carlisle's and Esme's. They were on the front porch, and Carlisle seemed to have just come back home. Judging by their conversation, the blood challenge had not gone well. Not well at _all_. I jumped out of the car, not bothering to bring the paint with me. Carlisle turned to face me, and I flinched at the sight of him. He had spatters of dried blood all over his clothes, not to mention the mud that was caked all over his left side. His collar was torn.

"What happened?" I demanded. "Where's Jasper?"

He sighed. "The blood challenge didn't go well."

"I can see that! What happened?"

He replayed the last hour for me in his mind. As he and Jasper had made their way deep into the woods, he had explained the purpose and procedure of the challenge. Jasper had seemed more and more anxious as the time had drawn near, but he had agreed to everything. Carlisle sent him two miles off and started warming up the blood. Since the blood he had stolen was in one of those new plastic bags, he had decided to use one of Esme's saucepans. He had just barely gotten the blood to body temperature when Jasper had crashed right into him, his eyes wild. They had struggled briefly, Carlisle trying to reach the blood and spill it onto the ground. But he was no match for Jasper.

"He drank the whole thing," Carlisle admitted in defeat. "I should never have done this to him."

"No, you should never have done it without _me_ ," I said angrily. "I _told_ you I needed to be there. Next time-"

"I don't think there will be a next time."

I frowned. "You're giving up, already?"

"It was too much for him, Edward. He was sorry, of course, when it was over, and mortified at how he had attacked me. But for him to make it back that fast, when the blood was barely still heating… it was obvious he hadn't gone the two miles I asked him to. He admitted that he hadn't been able to pull himself that far away from the blood, knowing it was there."

"So let's try again. I'll be able to tell you if he's really moving out far enough."

"It's not just that. It's the fact that he was able to approach me that quietly, before attacking. If he had been truly out of control, I would have heard him crashing through the trees."

"Are you saying he attacked you on _purpose_?"

"No, of course not. I just think that, despite his best intentions, he was determined to get the blood, no matter what- once he smelled it, anyway. I honestly don't think he's motivated enough to try this again."

"I'm sure that isn't right," Esme protested. "He's committed to the animal diet."

"Committed, yes. But not motivated, not like the rest of us. I've gotten the impression that he's mainly doing it for Alice's sake."

"And for his own," I added. "His gift made it emotionally painful to feed on humans. He was relieved when Alice showed him the alternative. Remember, he's spent most of his life thinking of humans as just his prey. Carlisle, you've got to give him another chance."

"I'm not giving up on Jasper, just the blood challenges. I've been thinking of him as a one-year-old, when that simply isn't the case. His situation is more like…" _yours._

Carlisle was quiet for a moment, his memory sweeping through the spring and summer of 1931. He was remembering my near-accident, and the months he had spent helping me desensitize to human scent. "Yes… that's it exactly," he said to himself.

"What?" Esme asked.

"Jasper's situation is similar to Edward's, back in 1931… when he first came back. Remember the piano mover?"

Esme frowned, glancing worriedly up at me. "How could I forget? It was the only time a human has actually bled in our house. And it was the only time that Edward almost had an accident. I mean, before this time."

"I wouldn't have called it the _only_ time," I said darkly. "Though I do see your point, Carlisle. My control around humans was pretty poor when I first came back."

"And do you remember what we concluded, on that day?" Carlisle asked gently. "That part of your difficulty was psychological. You weren't physically thirsty at the time, and you weren't a newborn, unable to control your thirst. It was more that you were accustomed to human blood, and that smelling it triggered a desperate response, pent up over months of denial. You had become dependent on human blood, and your first exposure was a shock to your control. You needed to be desensitized again. It's the same thing I did with all of you, when you were new. The only difference was that this time, you were _psychologically_ dependent on human blood. You weren't just learning to resist your thirst, like a newborn; you had to rewrite your thinking. You were coming off of an addiction, and the psychological dependence that accompanied it."

"And that's where Jasper is right now," I concluded. "Only he's been under the addiction for far longer, and had never been taught to see humans as people in the first place."

"Not to mention the complication of Maria's treatment of him," Carlisle sighed. "She practically drowned him in human blood, especially in the beginning. She fed him far too often, and far too much. She trained him to associate gluttony with her approval. Jasper said it was one of the ways she kept everyone loyal."

"What a horrible woman," Esme said hotly. "She was practically his mother, and to treat him like _that_. No wonder he's having such a hard time."

"That's why I don't want to do any more blood challenges with him," Carlisle said. "We're dealing more with Jasper's obsession with blood itself, more than his actual thirst... though that is a problem, as well. I'll come up with some other ways to help him desensitize. In the meantime, Edward, I'd like you to talk to him. You're really the only one who can sympathize with his situation – it might help if he can feel a little less alone in his struggle, and see your example."

"My _example_?" I said with a bitter laugh. "I hardly think I'm one to lecture anyone about their control. Are you forgetting what happened down at Yale?"

"I don't want you to lecture him," Carlisle said with a frown. "I want you to encourage him."

"And what happened down at Yale was a fluke," Esme said firmly, laying her hand on my arm. "You still have the best control of any of us except Carlisle- and that's an amazing accomplishment , considering the fact that you did feed on humans for a while. I think Jasper could learn a lot from your example."

I shook my head, backing away slightly. We didn't normally discuss those awful years; Carlisle and Esme knew how much it pained me to relive that time. And how was I supposed to help Jasper, when I was still waging my own battle?

"Edward," Carlisle said quietly, "I know this is a difficult topic for you. But I really do think that you can help Jasper, in a way that I never could. He's a part of our family now. Don't you think we should all do everything we can to help him succeed?"

I let out my breath slowly. "Fine. I'll talk to him."

"Good. He and Alice went off toward the west- I don't think they're too far out."

"What, right now?"

He shrugged. "It's as good a time as any. Esme, do you want to try and salvage this shirt?"

She wrinkled her nose. "No, just burn it."

I sighed and left them on the porch, running west to go find Alice and Jasper. I would do my best, but I didn't see what it would accomplish. Just because my control was better than Jasper's didn't mean I had any answers for him. How could one blind man lead another?

* * *

**I hope I'm not bending canon too much here with the love thing. I know in Midnight Sun Edward says that he had never felt anything like what he felt for Bella, but let's just assume that his love for her was exponentially greater than these "accidental glimpses" from Jasper's gift. It just seemed to me like the sort of thing that would happen, especially when Jasper first joined the family. Just like Alice had to adjust all those "echoes" for Edward's sake- the coming together of all the talents had to have some complications at first.**

**And in case anyone's wondering: yes, Edward's Plan B is another Bad Idea. But hey, an eating disorder is better than becoming a ripper and signing up for an eternity of servitude, right? Right.**


	20. Commiseration

**You've all waited very patiently for this one :) These all-dialogue chapters are generally more difficult, and this one in particular was crucial to Edward's journey. I wanted to make sure it was just right before posting.**

* * *

I found Jasper five miles out, standing frozen like a statue in the middle of the woods. His fists were tight at his sides, and he was staring out at nothing. His clothes, like Carlisle's, were spattered with blood. But unlike Carlisle, he also had a smear of dried blood running down one side of his chin, and more on his hands. Alice was a smaller statue, glued to him with her face buried in his chest. It was the sort of moment I didn't care to interrupt. I was just turning to go when Alice stirred to life.

 _Thank you, Edward,_ she thought sadly, pulling away from Jasper. _It'll help… I think._

Jasper slowly turned halfway, just enough for me to see his eyes. They were fully red now- not quite as bright as if he had had an entire human, but far more bloody than I had ever seen them. Alice disappeared silently.

"I didn't mean to attack him."

"He knows," I assured him. "He's not angry."

Jasper let out a bitter laugh, shifting his red eyes out into the distance again. "I know."

Maria clouded his mind for a moment, her cruel red eyes piercing his memory. He ground his teeth together, forcing the image away with Alice's face. With Carlisle's face. With my own. With Esme's. A parade of golden eyes, all gentle and accepting. Jasper shook his head slowly. _I don't belong here._

My heart ached for my new brother. He hadn't planned on coming to find us this early on. He had wanted to wait until he was ready to assure his new family of his resolve, of his strength in the animal diet. But he had been willing to dash the plans, to come years ahead of schedule, for me. For Alice, really. And he had gracefully accepted our cautious hovering, day after day; he knew how weak his control was. He had never once complained about being cooped up in the house, when I knew how much he missed roaming freely. He hadn't been tested until now – not really- and by all accounts, he had failed miserably. But as Carlisle had realized too late, the test itself was more than Jasper could handle. I wanted to help him. I didn't know what to say, myself, but at least I knew what language to speak in: Alice.

"What would Alice say about that?" I said lightly.

His stone visage softened slightly. A ghost of a smile tugged at his frown. _You've got me there._

"For what it's worth, _I'm_ glad you're here," I continued. "If you two hadn't come when you did…"

"Yes, where were you headed, anyway?"

"The North Pole." It sounded rather stupid, out loud.

Jasper snorted out a laugh, picturing a swirl of white… with, surprisingly, Alice's face right in the middle. "Beat you to it. Alice and I went up there in the beginning, when I first went on the new diet. Went along with your plan to starve yourself, actually – I must have cleaned out a good eighty percent of the mammal population."

"That was thoughtful," I muttered. He finally smiled, still looking out at nothing with his red eyes. I was more than happy for this to be the end of our conversation; I had gotten him smiling again, at least. Surely Alice could do the rest. But Carlisle's words were echoing in my head.

_You can help Jasper, in a way that I never could._

"Tremors?" I blurted out.

He finally turned to look at me. "What?"

"Back when you were in the Arctic, when you first went off human blood. Did you have tremors?"

"Yes." He winced, remembering. I saw the snowy horizon turned on its side and shaking, through his eyes. Alice was rubbing his back and singing as tremor after tremor rocked his body. Worse than mine, far worse. "But they actually started before I met Alice."

"I thought Alice was the one that told you about the animal diet."

"She was. But even before that, I was trying to go as long as I could without killing. I had just barely stretched it to three days- but that was the most I ever made it."

I considered this. The fact that Jasper was never able to go longer than three days – while still _on_ human blood- wasn't promising. Carlisle was absolutely right; he had spent so many years overfeeding that his adjustment to our diet was almost impossibly difficult. I felt a surge of hatred for the despicable woman who had done this to him. How could _anyone_ -

"I'm doing my best," he snapped. "I know it doesn't look like it, but I am."

"I wasn't thinking about you when I felt that," I protested quickly. "I was thinking about Maria."

He did a mental double-take. "Maria? Why?"

"Because this is her fault! If she hadn't glutted you on excessive amounts of human blood for eighty years, you wouldn't have had to _stretch_ anything to three days! I mean, I had the tremors too, but not like-"

"Hold it," he interrupted. "When did _you_ have tremors?"

My mouth went suddenly dry. I hated talking about those years, but this was different. I had never told _anyone_ about the tremors before. I hadn't even recorded it in my journal, since I had written those particular entries knowing that Carlisle was going to read them the next day. I had been brutally honest about my crimes, but this was one thing I had omitted from the account. It was… embarrassing, I supposed. But if anyone would understand, it was Jasper.

"It was when I first went off human blood," I began, my voice surprisingly free of shame. I took a deep breath, feeling more courage. "I stopped all at once, like you did, and I went up into the mountains. It… started in my hands."

"Mine too," Jasper murmured.

"The tremors moved up my arms, then my legs, until everything was shaking," I went on. "It was like my whole body was vibrating with the need to run and hunt. Not animals, I mean. I sat on the ground, hour after hour, with my arms wrapped around my knees. I was afraid if I stood up…"

"-that you'd give in to it," Jasper finished. He was looking at me with relief in his eyes. _I'm not the only one._ "How long did it last?"

"About three weeks. Yours?"

"More like three months. Though I had an accident in the first month- that probably made it longer. And that's why we went up past the Arctic Circle, too." _I also had emotional hallucinations. You know, from my gift. Did you… hear voices?_

"No. It must have been easier for me because I only fed on humans for four years. Still, it's nice to know I'm not the only vampire in the world who went through that. Did Alice have the tremors too?"

He shook his head. "I asked her. But she had been on a steady diet of humans for even shorter than you were, and when she did learn about animals, she had a lot of accidents for a while. So I guess you could say she eased into the new diet, without… side effects, I suppose?"

"That sounds about right. Carlisle says-"

Jasper sighed, looking away again. "I think I've heard and felt enough from the saintly Carlisle for one day, Edward. You should have seen him, when I messed up tonight. Not a hint of anger. He was all pity, sorrow, guilt…" He looked back at me in disgust. "Do you know he _apologized_ to me, not two minutes after I had attacked him and drunk the blood? Said it was really his fault, that he shouldn't have pushed me that hard so early. It makes me _sick_."

"He's not Maria," I reminded him sharply. "What did you expect him to do? Add to your scars? Take your arms off for a few hours to teach you a lesson?"

"Of course not! I know he isn't that kind of leader."

"He isn't that kind of _person_. He's always taken all our burdens upon himself; it's his way of taking responsibility for his family. And you're the empath- you know how gentle his nature is. He's certainly gotten angry before, but it's a rare sight, believe me."

"I believe it," Jasper scoffed. "If I doubted before, I believe it after what happened tonight."

"And you… disapprove of this?"

"Not disapprove, exactly. I meant what I said that first night: Carlisle is a stronger leader than I thought. The fact that he's managed to keep you all together this long is a testament to that. But I can't, for the life of me, figure out where that strength is coming from. He's so forgiving, so permissive, so… uselessly _gentle_. I don't see how any of you managed to make it past your first year, with him for a coven leader."

"Father," I reminded him impatiently. He sighed.

_Forgive me. It's the blood- my emotions are a little more vibrant than usual._

"I understand. But you're completely missing the point with Carlisle. His leadership style isn't just gentleness, it's _inspiration_."

"Inspiration."

"Yes. I remember when I first woke up... I was frantic for blood, like any newborn. As soon as my eyes opened, I was ready to break everything in sight and run off like a maniac. But he was the first thing I saw. I knew immediately that he was the same as I was- the same species, I mean. And I remembered, vaguely, that he had been talking during my transformation, telling me that I was becoming like him, and that he would help me when I woke up. So when I saw him, I saw what I was supposed to be like."

My voice died suddenly in my throat, and I choked on the shame that filled me with the memory. Jasper sighed, and I soon felt a warm calm seeping through me. "He was nothing like me," I went on, my voice shaking slightly. "He was so calm, so civilized, so _kind_ \- though frightened, that much was clear. His mind was racing with what might happen if he couldn't contain me- which only agitated me further, since I didn't realize that I was hearing his thoughts. I was too far gone with thirst to notice that his thoughts sounded different than his speech. But despite my rage, I was immediately aware that I wasn't like him. I felt wild, and he was so civilized. I felt angry, where he was so calm. I was a destructive, bloodthirsty monster, and he was… so _human_."

Jasper just shook his head in disbelief, his gift struggling to dampen my emotions. _Only you would feel guilt at behaving like a normal newborn._

"Anyway, that's what I mean, about his leadership style. He could never have controlled me physically- and unlike when the others were new, he didn't have anyone to help him. I could have easily escaped him. But I didn't _want_ to. I saw what he was like, and even through my insane thirst, I knew that _that_ was what I wanted. I wanted to be like him, and I knew that I needed his help to do so. It wasn't even a choice, Jasper. His example was far more restraining than his command could ever have been."

Jasper reviewed my words several times before his own memories took over. He was reliving his own awakening. As soon as his eyes snapped open, he fed. The human – a girl no more than fifteen- had literally been shoved into his arms by some unseen force, the second he awoke. When he had gotten all the blood that he could from her, another terrified human appeared in his face, and another. A violent swirl of emotions threatened to overwhelm him, but the thirst was paramount. He drowned himself until he couldn't take it anymore, and then he saw her. The woman from before, but glittering in the open sun as she stood over him. He himself was still kneeling over his kills, his face dripping with blood. He realized, then, that she was the one that had been pushing the humans into his arms. The woman smiled down at him – not a loving smile, but a triumphant one.

"Who are you?" he asked in wonder. "I've seen you before..."

"I am Maria. I am the one who made you, and I am the one who feeds you. The humans' blood is what makes you strong, Jasper. And I am going to make you even stronger. I have a whole _world_ of humans ready for you, if you serve me well. You'll have more blood than you can even imagine. Is that what you want?"

Jasper nodded eagerly. He was shaking with fear and horror at what he had just done, but he could hardly be blamed for the bloodlust that she had already trebled. She left him on his knees, and began speaking her lies. She told him about the worldwide Blood Wars, about the armies that covered the earth. She told him how lucky he was to have been found by her, and not by one of the other commanders. She told him that his military experience would serve him well, that he was now a part of the finest army the world had ever seen. She told him that victory was the same as survival; failure was the same as death.

"Couldn't you tell she was lying?" I asked, interrupting his flashback.

"I was too confused," he admitted. "Remember how you said you didn't realize immediately that it was Carlisle's thoughts you were hearing? My gift was still in its infancy- muted, compared to now, but I was still being bombarded with emotions, and of course I thought they were all my own. What else could I think? Even Maria didn't know yet that I was gifted. I realize now, of course, that the fear was from the humans. And you see, I _always_ felt deception from Maria. I knew, after a while, that she was lying to everyone else, since I had gained her confidence as her lieutenant. And I knew, as the years went on and my gift became more refined, that many of the things she said to _me_ were lies. But it never occurred to me, while I was still with her, that she was lying about the Wars themselves. They were far too real to me, as involved as I was. It wasn't until Peter came back for me that I learned the truth- that the Wars were only in the South. That it was possible to live without constant violence and hatred. But on that first day, her lies were the only truth I could see- and her promises of blood and victory the only things I could think to want. By the time I stood up, I had already sworn my eternal allegiance to her."

"She's a monster," I murmured in disbelief. "A demon straight out of Hell."

He shrugged. "I'm not going to argue with that. But there was one thing she was genuine about, and that was her loss. Her whole vendetta was – is- based on revenge for her mate's death. Her grief was very real, and very… fresh. Evil? Perhaps. But she was created in the South. Seeking to create an army to achieve her revenge was natural. I… understood. Even when I learned the true extent of her lies, I understood. And now that I have a mate myself, I understand even better." _I wish I didn't. I wish I could hate her for what she did._

" _I_ hate her," I assured him fiercely.

He laughed, an empty sound. "Thank you," he said with a courteous nod. Then his smiled faded. "Of course, it was less than a year later that I was helping her do the same thing to other newborns. Only many of them weren't quite so… gullible as I was. More often than not, I had to help her restrain them when they woke up."

"Taking their arms off for a few hours to teach them a lesson?" I asked weakly.

"Exactly. And if they didn't learn it, I ended them- which was a helpful lesson to the others. Manipulation and rigid discipline aren't pretty, Edward, but they get the job done, wrong or not. So you can see where Carlisle leading by 'virtuous example' isn't exactly earning my full respect. Don't get me wrong. I came here thinking even less of him than that, fully willing to offer my allegiance to the man that Alice had admired her whole life."

"Because you love her," I observed curiously.

"Yes. And now that I know Carlisle, I am happy to be in his coven. Like Alice, I am grateful that you all have welcomed us into the family." _You don't know how lucky you are, Edward, to have been raised here. And you can't comprehend how… new this all is to me._ _Things like Esme's motherly love, Carlisle's gentle worry, the baseball game, our paint fight the other day… I've never really had FUN before, or felt things like that before._ _Every other vampire was either my ally or my enemy._ _Escaping with Peter and Charlotte was a relief, and meeting Alice two years ago was the first time I experienced my own happiness._ _But this emotional atmosphere, here, is…_ He trailed off, unsure what to call it. It seemed, despite his confident demeanor, that he was still in awe of his new life.

"Healing?" I suggested.

He smiled, and I felt a wave of gratitude wash over me. "Yes. That's it exactly. And restful." He thought for a moment, reviewing again the story I had told him about my awakening. "Still, I think Carlisle is too passive. If there was an attack-"

"An attack?" I laughed. "Our coven is larger than ever now. Who do you think would attack us?"

"As a group, nobody. Unless you were foolish enough to wander South, that is, or provoke the Volturi somehow. But alone, or in pairs… has he ever taught the women how to fight properly? Does _he_ even know how?"

I nodded. "He's met a lot of nomads over the years, and sparred with them. He also spent some time in Volterra, and our cousin Eleazar is a former Guard. But he himself hates violence- he doesn't usually like to fight for fun. I learned most of what I know from Eleazar, and that's not much."

"Yes, I can tell," Jasper said neutrally. "Not that you aren't a formidable opponent, Edward, but most of that comes from your gift and your speed. You don't have much in the way of lethal strategy."

"Lethal strategy?"

"Fighting to kill."

I shifted my feet uncomfortably. "That's because I've never had to fight that way before. Carlisle has fought in true self-defense twice, while he was alone, but he has never killed another vampire."

Jasper's eyes grew wide. " _Never_ , in three centuries?"

"None of us have. We don't exactly go looking for a fight, and our numbers-"

"Sometimes the fight comes to you," Jasper said sternly. "All it would take is for Esme to be out hunting alone, and a pair of nomads, or a rogue newborn, to find her. If Carlisle wants to take responsibility for his family, as you say, then why doesn't he protect you? Teach _all_ of you to fight?"

"Why don't _you_ do it?" I shot back.

Jasper flinched. "Me?"

I shrugged. "Who else? You're a part of the family now, and you're the soldier, after all."

_Not anymore._

"Surely you've taught Alice to fight?"

"I… haven't gotten around to it." _The thought of… training her… it makes me sick, Edward. She's so…_

"Helpless?"

He frowned. "I see your point. But do you think Carlisle would allow it?" _I did accidentally attack him tonight, after all._

"I'm positive he would. And I'll vouch for your self-control in sparring."

Jasper hesitated, trying to wrap his head around letting Emmett practice "lethal strategy" with _Alice_. It seemed that his plan, prior to arriving here, was simply to never let Alice out of his sight. But that wasn't going to work anymore; he realized, with a shudder, that she had already been separated from him several times since their arrival. "I'll do it."

"Good. Now, can I finish what I was trying to say about Carlisle?"

"Yes. I'll try not to attack his leadership style this time."

"Thank you. In any case, this is more from the doctor side of Carlisle than the leader side. We were speaking of the tremors earlier, and it made me think about something he said tonight. He was comparing and contrasting your situation to mine, when I first came back from my years away. He was comparing both those situations to when a human is experiencing withdrawal from an… addiction."

Jasper nodded. _Makes sense._ "Go on."

My teeth clenched shut, unwilling to continue any further. The detailed account of my scent addiction and descent, like the tremors, was something I had never spoken aloud about, to anyone. Carlisle had read my theory in my journal, and I knew that he agreed with my assessment- but we had never spoken about it much, not aloud. And unlike the tremors, which were really the side effect of my _good_ choice, speaking about the addiction itself would be painful. It hadn't been force-fed to me, like Jasper's had. I had created it myself.

Jasper rolled his eyes impatiently. _Here we go again._ His gift flared to life, but I held up my hand. "No, it's all right," I said through my teeth. If bringing the darkness inside of me out into the light would help Jasper defeat his own, it was worth it. I would do this for him- and like the tremors, it would be easier to confess these things to him than anyone else. Even if my sin was greater than his own, I had a feeling he would understand. Jasper was a practical man. But in order for him to learn from my mistakes, he needed the whole story.

"First, you need to understand why I left in the first place. And why I came back." I drew a deep breath, and I felt a sudden burst of confidence. "Thanks," I said drily. "I don't know if Alice told you, but I've never had an accident, not even as a newborn. Most of us didn't, if you need any more evidence as to the effectiveness of Carlisle's 'leadership style'. Anyway, I was fine up until 1926. I was eight years old, and I was… content. But then we were visited by two Volturi Guards."

"Alice told me this part," Jasper interrupted. "They came to offer you a place in the Guard." _A rare honor._

I frowned. "I suppose so. Carlisle was angry, in his own way, and told them that under no circumstances would I be going with them. At any rate, I didn't want to go. I loved my family, and it was obvious that my diet would not be tolerated in Volterra- besides the fact that I would become a servant to a man who I had never admired in the first place. I declined, and after some minor unpleasantness, they left us. Carlisle considered the matter closed… and it was, in terms of my going to Italy or not.

"But I had met my first traditional vampires, and it opened up a world of questions for me. And one of the Guards, Demetri, had done his best to be persuasive, through his thoughts. He was appealing to my adolescence, I suppose – asking why I was staying with Carlisle and deferring to him, when I was clearly mature enough and gifted enough to make my own choices. He hinted that Carlisle was holding me back, that I would soon tire of his human charade. That I didn't know what I had been missing."

Jasper nodded in understanding. "As I said, manipulation is a powerful weapon."

"And it worked," I said drily. "In the weeks following the Guard's departure, I kept reviewing the things he had silently told me- and I chose not to share them with Carlisle. I was offended that he had spoken for me. I began to resent him for… limiting me."

"For not letting you drink human blood?"

"No… not at first. More for treating me like a child. I truly hadn't wanted to join the Guard, but I would have liked the opportunity to speak for myself."

"But he was your coven leader," Jasper said. "He had every right to refuse to hand you over. If he had wanted…" He paused. "Ah, I see. You were viewing him as a human father, making your decisions for you when you felt mature enough to make your own."

"Yes," I agreed. But Jasper had a point. In vampire terms, at least according to his own experience, Carlisle really _did_ have the right to speak for me- not because of my age, but because of my subordinate position as his creation. I had never thought about it that way before. But since our family had always operated on more human terms, Carlisle himself wouldn't have put it that way. Unfortunately, Demetri had realized that, too, and used it against me.

"And?"

"And so as I mulled over all that had happened, I never went to him. I told myself that I was protecting him- that he would only be hurt by my questions. You see, I had never been quite able to share his faith, or his hope in redemption, and now I was pondering darker things than he would approve of. I began wondering what my life would be like if _I_ was a traditional vampire. Wondering if it was really so wrong to feed from humans… that sort of thing."

Jasper snorted. _That sounds like the kind of thing you'd worry about. But it also sounds like you were determined to figure it out on your own, to spite him._

I frowned, considering his thought. Would I have gone to Carlisle, had I not already been feeling resentful? Was part of my stubbornness pride, and not shame only? Jasper's influence was ramping up higher and higher to meet the painful emotions I was drudging up- it made it easier to think clearly. "Probably," I admitted aloud. "At any rate, I came to the lofty conclusion that I was so superior to humans that feeding on them wasn't… terribly wrong. That it was only natural for our kind to follow our instincts."

"And that's when you decided to leave," Jasper guessed.

"No. I decided to stay… at least for the foreseeable future. I loved my parents too much to hurt them like that. But I decided that I had been unnecessarily austere. Now that I had decided not to feel guilty about my natural inclinations, I began allowing myself to enjoy the blood scents around me. I had always been careful not to dwell on it before; now I allowed myself this one compromise. But I quickly became obsessed with the scents, and it wasn't long before I started having problems. Essentially, I became addicted to the scent of human blood- and my body was just reacting naturally to the change. I began feeling and acting more like a traditional vampire. I was thirstier, angrier… more difficult at home, at school. I started fantasizing about feeding on humans, one girl in particular- things went downhill pretty quickly after that. I refused to admit that I was the one pushing myself in deeper. I couldn't fathom why after so many years, my control was slipping- I had actually believed that enjoying the humans' scents would _help_ me stay content. The more confused I got, the angrier I got. Carlisle's example quickly became a burden, and his gentle leadership became stifling. The scents that I had merely been enjoying began to torment me. My control plummeted, and in the end, the choice was made for me… or so I thought.

"I felt that my only option was to leave. I wasn't able to contain my thirst anymore, and to be honest, I was tired of trying. I became convinced that Carlisle was holding me back, that he couldn't understand- but I still didn't want to hurt him or Esme. I just told them that I needed to be on my own for a while. I left them with less than five minutes notice, and they didn't hear from me again for four years."

Jasper flinched, then, stepping backwards away from me. His gift was working so strongly now that I was beginning to feel numb- no wonder it was so easy to let everything tumble out like this. "Sorry," I said dully.

"Just go on, please," he said stiffly. "You went out and started killing criminals."

"I wasn't planning on that part," I said carelessly. "I was just ready to feed naturally, and leave Carlisle's human values behind me. But then I remembered about Esme's first husband, Charles, and I knew who I wanted my first victim to be. It was an execution, I reasoned- and it became the first of many. I told myself that with the added benefit of my gift, I was able to create my own little morality- that I wasn't such a monster if I only killed human monsters. That the guilt I felt was just the vestige of Carlisle's voice echoing in my vestige of conscience- that it would fade, with time."

"Sounds reasonable to me," Jasper mused. "More than reasonable, actually."

I laughed silently, shaking my head. I couldn't decide whether I felt drunk, or whether I just felt nothing at all. "The lie only worked for four years. I filled my mind with all the distractions I could – cities and telepathy are handy for that- but the guilt just grew louder and louder. I started hallucinating, and one night I killed a young man who made me think a little too much. He reminded me of myself. The hallucinations became unbearable. I decided that I would need to start feeding from animals again."

"Back up. You mean hallucinations from your gift?" _Like mine?_

"No, nothing so supernatural. Just faces- the men I had killed, and their loved ones. I still see them," I added with a shrug. "The guilt had been just an annoyance, at first. I still wasn't thinking of my choice in terms of right and wrong- not consciously. But when I decided to go back off human blood, I was proud of my decision. _Proud_ , Jasper, that I was capable of separating the monster within me from the man that I once was. I was proud that I was strong enough to stop again, that I was ready to admit my foolishness and return to my parents. I was even prouder when I made it two months, got past the tremors and all that. I felt… noble. Maybe even a little human."

I laughed out loud now, and Jasper quieted his gift- he decided, quite vehemently, that I had had enough emotional interference. Like a friendly bartender, patiently listening and refilling my glass as I spun the tale of my miserable life for him, finally taking away the bottle after I embarrassed both of us too loudly. I laughed one last time at the image, the sound fading away with the numbness. I frowned, and cleared my throat as I stared off into the distance- Jasper had thought it a good place to stare, after all.

"I got home, ready to start over with them. And do you know what I found there?"

"Forgiveness, I imagine," Jasper said.

"Yes, forgiveness. But much more than that – I found _humanity_. I saw it in my own parents, Esme in particular. She had had her first accident while I was away. My first kill- her own husband, ironically enough- had been my first step down into a bloody pit. Do you know what Esme did after _her_ first kill, Jasper? She made cookies."

He blinked. "You just lost me."

I took a deep, ragged breath: the guilt was coming back in waves now. I just wanted to get the rest over with. "When Esme came to face the darkness inside of her, she decided she didn't want it. Instead of becoming more of a monster, she became more human. She started volunteering at the hospital, once her eyes were ready. She started baking for fundraisers. She started planting flowers and reading to children. She started having _friends_. Not close ones, mind you; we can't get too involved. But she started laughing with the other wives, going into town more… there was only one thing missing."

Jasper waited, wincing as some ugly emotion spewed out of me.

"Her _son_ ," I spat. "It wasn't until later that I learned how profoundly I had hurt my parents. But I saw enough in my own mother, what had always been in Carlisle: this is what makes a person human. To have a life, to have loved ones. To grow, to make mistakes, to try, to improve, to… change. Or to have the chance to, at least. _That_ was what I had taken away from nine hundred and thirty-seven men, Jasper. It didn't matter than they were a lower species than me. It didn't matter that they deserved the death I dealt them. By slaughtering them, I had slaughtered my own humanity. I had been driven home by guilt, only to discover the meaning of guilt once I got there. It was murder, plain and simple, Jasper: mass murder."

He shrugged. "It's what we do. Don't know if I would call it _murder_." _Manslaughter, maybe._

"That was what it was for you," I said bitterly. "You couldn't help it, because you didn't know any better. I did. Every time I killed, I heard their thoughts, Jasper- at least when I wasn't quick enough- and I saw myself through their eyes. A red-eyed demon, who had come to snatch their lives away… but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that I didn't _have_ to kill them. I _knew_ there was another way. Your creator may have trained you to kill as many humans as possible, but mine trained me to hold their lives as sacred as my own. I had lived according to his values for _years_ before discarding them. I had build a level of control that I was proud of, and I threw it away for nothing. I ran headlong into an addiction that I didn't even _need_. It wasn't given to me, like yours was; I went out and found it."

Jasper shrugged. "It's not like you planned it. You didn't know what you were getting yourself into, with the scent business."

"I knew enough," I said darkly. "I knew that it was the sort of thing I couldn't tell Carlisle about – that should have been enough to stop me. But it wasn't, because I didn't want to be stopped. The scent addiction was psychological, as much as it was physical. As soon as I decided it was morally permissible to imagine being a traditional vampire, I started becoming one."

"Interesting… but what does all this have to do with withdrawal, or with me?"

"Everything. There's physical withdrawal- our tremors, your increased thirst- but the psychological withdrawal is real, because the addiction itself has a psychological component. Did you notice when I mentioned mass murder, you said 'It's what we do'?"

He frowned. "Just because you and Carlisle want to make everything about morality-"

"No," I interrupted. "I'm talking about your use of the term 'we'. You're still thinking of yourself of a traditional vampire, Jasper. Don't think I don't see it in your thoughts, every single day. You're practically _waiting_ for your next accident. You're like a human holding his breath, refusing to breathe until the right sort of air comes along."

"It's only been two years," he said defensively.

"I know that. And considering how you fed even more than other vampires do, and for so long, we all understand that your… _recovery_ will take some time. But your attitude isn't helping- no wonder the animal diet still feels so unnatural, when you keep telling yourself how unnatural it is. How _unpleasant_ it is."

"It _is_ unpleasant. It tastes _awful_."

"And it always will, if you don't hurry up and convince yourself that this is how you're going to feed from now on. You've already gotten through the worst of the physical withdrawal- that was the easy part."

"You think that was _easy_?"

"Compared to this part, yes. You have to completely rewrite your thinking, Jasper – that's the part that Carlisle was comparing to my own struggles in 1931. Did Alice tell you I almost had an accident when I came back?"

He raised his eyebrows. "No."

"It was a week after I got back home. I had been careful not to expose myself to too much human scent, in those two months since I stopped – but when I did smell it, I entered the hunt immediately. I was with Carlisle, in the woods, and he tried to restrain me. I threw him off so easily- I was still strong from the other diet."

Jasper nodded with some relief. _Glad I'm not the only one to do that._ _How did you stop yourself?_

"Carlisle had the idea- to get into his car, to cut myself off from the scent. I managed, just barely, to pull myself off course and do it."

Jasper sighed. "I could _never_ do that."

"Maybe not now. But someday. The point is, I would never have been able to stop myself if I hadn't already been so motivated to abstain. The temptation was overwhelming because I was still, in part, accustomed to human blood, and my body so accustomed to responding to it- even though I had physically been without it for that long. It was recent enough that I felt starved for it. But I was able to defeat the temptation, because I _wanted_ to defeat it."

"And you think I'm not motivated?"

"I think you're willing to do anything for Alice," I said carefully. "And it helps that feeding from humans is uncomfortable because of your gift. But you're never going to get anywhere unless you start believing in what you're doing. I admit, I had an easier time returning to that mindset, having been raised to follow it before; it made my psychological withdrawal relatively brief. Your burden is much heavier because you've never borne it before. But you need to bear it for yourself, Jasper. Telling yourself that you're doing this for Alice is a crutch that will not support you."

He frowned. "I'm _trying_ , Edward. Just because I don't want to go off and starve myself, or become a doctor, doesn't mean I'm not trying."

He had a point. Holding him to the standard to which I held myself probably wasn't the best way to go here. Maybe Emmett would have been the better brother to have this conversation with him…

"Look," I sighed, "all I'm saying is that it'll be easier if you change your perspective a little. Instead of constantly telling yourself how difficult it is, tell yourself how many lives you're sparing. Think of the humans as people, with lives, loved ones. Think of this as the _right_ thing to do."

"That's funny."

"What?"

He lifted up his hands, looking at the blood on them. "I've spent nearly a century telling myself the opposite. That they _aren't_ people. That they're just… blood." _It got harder, after I was on my own. I was stretching it longer than ever before, and I sometimes got to thinking about how if I could stretch it longer, I could spare another of their little lives…_

I pounced on it. "You felt guilty."

He dropped his hands again. "A little. That was usually my sign that I had waited too long- the tremors were never far behind. I'm not like you and Carlisle, Edward. Maybe if he had changed me, but he didn't. This isn't going to be easy for me. Ever."

"Give yourself some credit," I insisted. "Think back to when you were a human. You died serving your fellow humans- women and children, remember?"

Jasper closed his eyes. "I remember." I saw a few blurry scenes in his mind- Jasper riding a horse, a gloved hand on the reins. The same hand, offered to an elderly woman as she stepped across a treacherous creek. But sadly, those memories were dim and brief. Much brighter and more numerous were the memories of women and children _dying_ at his hand, sustaining him. "But that was a long time ago." He shook his head, running his bloodied fingers through his hair. At least the blood was dry, but his hand trembled slightly.

"Are you all right?" I asked. "Do you need to hunt?"

"No, brother," he sighed, dropping his hand to his side again. "For once in my life, I do not need to hunt." He swallowed experimentally, sighing again in relief at the cool contentment in his throat.

My hand raised to my own throat, and I realized he was right. For the first time since his arrival, my throat was blessedly free of his second-hand thirst. It felt _wonderful_.

"I'll try," he said softly. "I'll try to remember what you said. But…" He rubbed his sticky fingers together, looking with longing at the blood that had been wasted. "Why can't there be some kind of compromise? If Carlisle has access to blood like this…."

"No."

"We could just have it some of the time," he said hopefully. "We could find the right balance, to keep our eyes right. It might help make the transition easier…"

I shook my head. "No, it would make it worse- just like the scent addiction. And besides, that blood was donated to save human lives, not to feed us."

"Carlisle stole it today."

"To save human lives," I repeated. "But he's not going to do it again. He wants to start desensitizing you without using blood at all, the way he did with us when we were new."

Jasper drew in his breath sharply, his throat and mine protesting. He had almost been hoping Carlisle would try it again- and if he were to fail again, well…

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," I said impatiently. "That kind of thinking is just going to make it worse. You should be _glad_ that he's not doing it again, so you won't be tempted."

"You're right… you're right. It's just…" _I didn't get enough._ He forced the thought away, and our throats cooled a bit.

"That's all it takes," I said encouragingly. "One thought at a time. You can do this."

_And you'll… help?_

"Me? How?"

"Put that telepathy to good use. If I have to deal with your emotional turbulence all the time, the least you can do is snap me out of it when I get nostalgic."

I nodded my agreement, and took Jasper to the nearest creek. He knelt down, holding his hands in the water and watching as it slowly washed the blood away. He was replaying my story in his mind again, creating images to flesh out my words. Oddly, watching myself kill in his imagination wasn't as painful as it should have been. Somehow, saying it all out loud had eased some of the guilt. I felt an odd lightness around my dead heart, as though something had been lifted off. Not by much, but noticeably. It was funny- I'd come out here tonight to help _him_. Instead, I had ended up rambling in a way I had never done before. I just hoped that it would do him some good.

"What did you give me earlier?" I asked suddenly. "You know, when I was finding it difficult to relate my… past."

"I didn't give you anything," he said, splashing water up onto his face and scrubbing hard. "I just lifted the shame off of you for a while. I wanted you to be able to breathe long enough to tell it all." _I think you needed to._

"Yes," I admitted. "I'm… grateful."

Jasper stood, his hands and face clean. With any luck, they would be clean for the rest of eternity. He nodded, silently hoping for the same thing. "So am I."


	21. Family Fun Night Part 1

As I had expected, Carlisle immediately agreed to the idea of Jasper training us all to be better fighters. Esme reluctantly agreed to participate as well; her only request was that we not do it anywhere near the house. Carlisle had the next night off of work again, and we all made our way to what was now affectionately called "the baseball field."

Emmett decided that he and I should kick off the night with a friendly fight, just to get the ladies in the mood. They generally had a habit of either ignoring our scraps or, in Esme's case, throwing us out of the house when necessary. But this time they dutifully watched as Emmett and I went at it. Jasper silently asked me to keep the fight going as long as possible, just so that everyone could see some ideas.

It was a typical fight, aside from the length. Jasper made comments as we went on, pointing out some of the moves that we were making to the others. Emmett attacked again and again, his frustration growing every time I danced aside. Whenever I was able to get behind him, I would land a kick or a punch that made Esme flinch. Jasper finally nodded to me behind Emmett's back, and I attacked in earnest. The fight went on for another twenty seconds before I found my way under Emmett's right hook, diving straight up for his throat.

Emmett rolled his eyes, shoving me off. _Finally._

"Edward and Emmett have very different fighting styles, both of which are effective in their own right," Jasper said to everyone. "It's important for everyone to work out his... or _her_ natural strengths and weaknesses. Emmett's strengths are obvious: his… well, strength, and his height and wingspan. But let's look at Edward. His strengths are quite different: his mind-reading and his speed. These both allow him to work around his opponent's strategy, because his speed is enhanced by his ability to essentially predict movement."

"Actually," I admitted, "my mind-reading can be a weakness as well. Carlisle's used it against me before. He thinks of various things to distract me from the fight. But the most effective method is when he replays the fight itself, a few seconds after the fact. Seeing myself fighting is very disorienting when it's slightly out of sync with real time."

Jasper was impressed. "That's a brilliant strategy, Carlisle," he said with a nod. "Defensive as well as offensive. Edward, how do you counter that?"

"I can't truly block him out," I admitted. "Especially at such a close distance. I just do my best to ignore the input from his mind, and fight without it."

"Show us."

Carlisle broke away from Esme. He attacked first, his mind quickly complicating the fight. I gave him some extra space, concentrating on not seeing what he was showing me.

"Stop," Jasper called, and we froze in place. "Did you all see how Edward changed there?"

"He got slower," Rosalie said.

"Right. His normal strategy is more defensive than offensive, and he became even more defensive in his disorientation. Edward, try being more aggressive. See if you can't keep Carlisle too busy to distract your gift."

We started again, and this time I flew right up into Carlisle's face as Jasper gave the command. He had always been stronger than me, though, and I had exposed myself too soon. He crushed my shoulders in a vice, twisting me down to the ground.

Jasper laughed. "And there we see Carlisle's natural advantage over Edward: superior upper body strength. Try again, Edward." _You still have your speed; use it to get behind him._ I nodded, waiting until Carlisle twitched forward. I flashed around him this time, getting my elbow around his neck.

"That was better," our instructor said to everyone. "Edward used one of his advantages – speed- to neutralize Carlisle's advantage of upper body strength, by avoiding his arms altogether. And that's especially important if you're fighting a newborn, because of their superior strength. They have a tendency to grab and crush with both arms, regardless of the danger to themselves."

"But I thought the goal was always to get at the throat," Rosalie said. "Doesn't that mean you need to attack from the front?"

"No, that isn't the goal at all," Jasper said with a frown. "I know that's how Edward and Emmett do it in play-fighting, but it's not realistic in a combat situation. For one thing, we're not humans; there's not much 'medical' difference between the throat itself and the back of the neck, at least not during a fight. The back of the neck is much safer to attack. And if you can get up high enough, you'll have better leverage to use their chin for beheading, like Edward just demonstrated. But regardless, beheading is generally not the first step in disabling your opponent. Dismemberment is more important."

Rosalie wrinkled her nose. "That's disgusting."

"It's the truth," Jasper shrugged. "Whether you're fighting one on one, or group to group, it's easier and quicker to take off hands than heads. And safer for yourself, if you can do it without getting within their reach. If you can take a hand- or better yet, a forearm- and throw it as far as possible, you've temporarily disabled that opponent, and can move onto the next one. If that vampire is your only opponent, then you can continue the fight with the added advantage of their missing limb, and the accompanying pain and distraction. You can always behead later."

"What about fire?" Carlisle asked grimly. "Did you always try to have a blaze going during a battle, to throw the limbs into?"

"That's a good question. Some commanders preferred that method, but I didn't. Having a fire before the outcome of a battle is decided gives the same disadvantage to both sides, in terms of limb loss. So it's definitely a wise choice if you're outnumbered. But since my army was larger and had a higher success rate than others, we stood to lose more by doing this. I've lost my left hand, for example…" He paused to count in his head. "Four times. And even though I won all of those battles, it would have been a devastating loss if there had been a fire going any of those times, because my hand would have been gone for good. Emmett, I want you and Edward to fight again. But this time, the goal isn't teeth to throat. It's teeth to wrist. Go!"

Emmett and I rushed each other, but we paused almost immediately, turning to watch as Jasper and Carlisle began to fight, as well.

"Don't stop!" Jasper said harshly as he dodged Carlisle's teeth. "Battles are full of distractions. If you stood there gaping for a full second like that, you'd already be in pieces!"

Emmett snarled in challenge again, and we were back at it. It was odd to be going for each other's hands, though, and it threw off our rhythm. I finally felt a thrill of fear as my hand was finally caught in Emmett's huge fist; he had ripped that same hand off, the first day he had woken up. My sudden burst of emotion startled Jasper so much that Carlisle's teeth met his own wrist instantly.

"Well done," Jasper said with a nod to Carlisle. "As you can see, I share the same disadvantage as Edward: a psychic gift can be a weakness as well as a strength. Edward, what happened?"

"I've lost that hand before," I said sheepishly. "To Emmett, on his first day. Only he was so strong he didn't need his teeth."

"Wonder if I could still do it that way," Emmett said mischievously, tightening his grip on my wrist. _Only one way to find out…_

"Just try it," I threatened. "I've always wondered what you'd look like without a nose."

"Emmett Cullen!" Esme scolded. Emmett dropped my wrist with a disappointed sigh.

"It's the girls' turn," Alice said with a pout. "But you've all been going on about brute strength and speed and wingspan and all that. What are _our_ strengths?"

"Yours should be obvious," Jasper told her. "Like Edward, you can see your opponent's next move. Rosalie and Esme… let's find out right now."

Rosalie glanced at Esme doubtfully. "You want us to fight each _other_?"

"It's the best way to learn," Carlisle said encouragingly. "Just be careful not to bite."

We all fell silent as Rosalie and Esme stepped away from the rest of us. It was almost comical to watch their minds: Esme was thinking about how impossible it was going to be to _pretend_ to attack her own daughter, and Rosalie was worrying about her clothes and hair getting mussed.

"This should be interesting," I muttered to Emmett, who boomed out a laugh. But we both quieted as it began. Rosalie, after a few second's hesitation, dropped delicately into an attack crouch, waiting for Esme to follow suit. Esme sighed worriedly and copied the posture, feeling very unladylike.

"Come on, Esme!" I called with a laugh. "Just pretend you're hunting and it'll be easier!"

"Knock her on her back, Rose!" Emmett shouted.

Rosalie sprang forward. Esme fell back, clearing her throat anxiously as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Rosalie tried again, but stopped mid-attack as her own hair started to come loose. Esme attacked the third time, an attempt so pitiful that Emmett burst out laughing again.

Jasper just sighed in annoyance. _This is going to take longer than I thought._ "You have instincts, ladies!" he called. "Use them!" _Or better yet…_ He turned to Carlisle. "Is it all right if I give them a little… assistance?"

Carlisle nodded over toward Esme and Rosalie, so Jasper repeated the question to them. "Just don't let things out of hand," Esme agreed. Rosalie nodded her uneasy agreement as well, and Jasper began stirring up their courage, as well as some anger, I thought. It worked like a charm- they were soon growling quietly as they circled each other, their thoughts inflamed but under control. Rosalie suddenly shot forward, reaching for Esme's throat with both hands. Esme batted her away, spinning away to fend off Rosalie's second try. Jasper let the fight go on for a few moments before stopping them. My mother and sister drew apart immediately, whispering their embarrassed apologies for behaving like… vampires.

"Good for a first try," Jasper announced. "Rosalie, I have a feeling that you can move a lot faster than that. Esme, you attack this time—and I want you to stay on the offensive."

Esme drew a quick breath, trying to imagine Rosalie as her enemy. She shot forward more quickly this time, but Rosalie was ready for her. Jasper was upping the anger again, and she was determined to prove herself. She met Esme's attack with a vicious kick, catching our mother right in the jaw. Carlisle flinched, but forced himself to remain silent. Esme tumbled to the ground with a gasp, covering her face with her arms as Rosalie followed through with an attack of her own. She managed to get one hand around Esme's neck, but Esme twisted her face, touching her teeth to Rosalie's wrist.

"Good move, Esme! Rosalie, you just lost a hand. Next time, make sure you get your elbow down lower- that way she won't be able to twist far enough to bite. Keep going!"

Esme and Rosalie went for another few minutes. Now that they had gotten over their initial discomfort, Jasper tapered off his influence. Rosalie was obviously the better fighter, at least today in practice. She was bigger, stronger, and more aggressive in general.

"Good," Jasper called as Rosalie beat Esme again. "Now, Alice against Esme, and Carlisle against Emmett. Rosalie, come here."

Emmett stepped between them. "Now wait a minute!"

"I won't hurt her," Jasper promised, shooting a friendly smirk Rosalie's way... or maybe it was more of a _superior_ smirk. He seemed to be trying to rile her on purpose. He was also manipulating her mood again, and the effect was immediate. She bared her teeth, blurring around Emmett and plowing right into Jasper's chest. He chuckled and rocked back a couple of steps, grabbing her shoulders and throwing her unceremoniously into the dirt.

"A frontal attack is rarely a good idea, especially when your opponent is bigger and strong than you," he told her, tweaking another emotion as he spoke. "Try to hit me from the side this time. And the next time we practice," he added, reaching down and wrapping her ponytail in his fist, "do something better with your hair than this. There's a reason we cut every woman's hair close while she was still in transition."

He gave her hair a gentle tug backwards to demonstrate the danger, but he got more than he bargained for. Rosalie turned on him in a snarling fury, and I tensed as I saw her thoughts: she was remembering the night she was attacked in Rochester. Being on the ground underneath Jasper's smirk, and the familiar feel of her hair being yanked back, and the idea of women being turned and shorn just so they could be driven into battle… it was all just too much for her.

She bit his arm without even thinking; she just had to get him away from her hair. He hissed in pain and jerked his hand away, only to be swept off his feet by her kick. He spun to land on all fours beside her, which only agitated her further. She exploded off the ground and knocked him flat on his back. She aimed another kick at his face, but he caught her foot with his hands and threw her off to the side. The distance seemed to bring her back to her senses, and she shrieked in horror as she backed farther away from him.

"Jasper! I'm so, so sorry! I didn't mean it!"

Emmett darted over to her, wrapping her in his huge arms and spinning her around in the air. "Babe, that was _amazing_!" Everyone else had stopped sparring by now, and we were all nervously watching Jasper- Alice, especially. But he leapt up to his feet, grinning eagerly.

"It _was_ amazing!" he agreed. "Rosalie, I think we've just found your natural advantage."

"Biting family members by accident?" she asked miserably.

He shrugged, raising his forearm to his mouth. He pulled at the wound and spat the venom on the ground. "Don't give it another thought, Rosalie. It happens all the time in training. No, I meant your ferocity. I _knew_ it was in there somewhere."

"He's right," Carlisle said proudly. "And you didn't attack senselessly, either- it seems that your anger made you a _better_ fighter. I'd wager it's been years since Jasper's been surprised like that!"

"Decades," Jasper said, sounding equally as proud. "Back to work, everyone." He waited until the others had drifted away. Then he sighed, continuing to feel Rosalie's guilt. "Rosalie, _please_ , don't feel badly about it. It's my fault, anyway; I was still driving up your anger."

"It wasn't that," she said miserably. "It was… I don't know. Something just clicked."

"If I may?" I asked carefully. Rosalie frowned, but nodded. "It was because you grabbed her hair that way. It reminded her of the night she was attacked… the night she was changed."

Rosalie was just as surprised as Jasper. "I didn't even remember that. About the hair, I mean." _Now I do. Ugh._

"I'm sorry," Jasper said quickly. "I was trying to get you angry enough to bring that ferocity to the surface, but I wouldn't have touched your hair like that if I had known. But like I said, it's quite an advantage. You literally died feeling a… yes, that's it exactly."

"What?" I asked. Rosalie was literally vibrating with emotion, but her mind was unusually blank, but for the dark imagery of her human end. Jasper was already soothing her with his gift, and they were both ignoring me completely now. I moved away to watch Alice and Esme fight, but I couldn't help listening to the rest.

"Are you all right?" Jasper asked quietly, hesitating to go any closer. Rosalie nodded curtly, keeping her face turned away from the rest of us; she had begun to cry in her emotional turmoil, but she was refusing to make any sound. "I didn't mean to hurt you like that," he said, soothing her further even as he kept his distance. "As I was saying, you literally died feeling an overwhelming sense of vulnerability and anger... I feel them both in you every day. I know that's... hard. But if you can harness those feelings into an effective battle rage, like you just did… well, this family will be very lucky to have you as a protector, should the need ever arise."

Rosalie looked up at him curiously. She was angry—probably that he even knew anything at all about the end of her human life—but she was also picturing herself fighting alongside the rest of us… and winning. Fighting was something she had never seriously considered doing before, other than those tense moments with the wolves back in '36. She remembered, with a shiver, the thrill of fear and power she had felt then. Her only thought at the time had been keeping the rest of us safe- and now, at the thought of fighting other vampires to protect her family, she was pleased to discover that she might truly be good at it.

"Yes," Jasper said. "It's something to be proud of- fighting for those you love. I only wish that in all my years of war, I had been fighting for such a noble cause." He was silent for a moment, and drew a little closer, catching her eyes. "If I ever fight again, it will be for Alice... for this family."

"I want to learn more," Rosalie said firmly.

Jasper nodded, backing away. "I'm going to attack you from behind this time. I want you to fend me off by spinning to your right and elbowing me in the face. Concentrate on keeping your arms free, and on keeping your footing." Rosalie nodded, and they began again. Emmett watched nervously for a moment, then glanced at me.

"They've both got it under control," I assured him, and he turned back to Carlisle.

The sparring went on for most of the night. Jasper's lessons were brief and to the point: always keep your arms free. Always dismember the hand from the side opposite the thumb. Let your elbows lead into a spin. Keep moving your feet. If you're fighting a mated pair, go for the smaller vampire first. Never kick in the chest or face; only the back or the knees. If you get to the throat but don't have time to behead, rip out the voicebox. If you _do_ behead your opponent, retreat away from the body before throwing the head as far as possible. If you lose an arm, lead every attack with the opposite leg.

He was having the time of his life. It was interesting to see how differently he spoke and carried himself in the role of instructor; even as he had slowly relaxed into his place within our family, he was often quiet, watchful. But now, he was full of confidence, despite what had happened with the blood challenge hours before. He was thinking about how good it felt to bring something useful to his new coven— _family_ , he corrected himself—and how much more satisfaction it brought him, to be training this way.

"What way?" I asked, slamming Carlisle face-down into the dirt. I followed through to "bite" the back of his neck and then stood up, waiting for Jasper's answer.

"Most of the soldiers I've trained were newborns," he replied. "They're nowhere near as capable or… _teachable_ as everyone here. Yes, even you, Esme." he added with a smile, turning to face her. She was still, after several hours, far too skittish, far too hesitant. But at least she was practicing, for the first time in her life.

"It's also different because I was usually training them to fight other newborn armies," Jasper continued. "It's an entirely different strategy."

"Will you teach us that, too?" Rosalie asked.

"Why?" he asked with a frown. "You don't choose locations that far south, do you?"

"Certainly not," Carlisle said. "I've always steered clear of the southern states, for that reason, as well as for the sunlight. And when we journeyed to South America, we took the long way around."

"The long way around?" Jasper echoed curiously.

"The ocean," Esme said softly. "It was such a different, _beautiful_ world down there, in the water. We stayed submerged for hours at a time, exploring."

"It was amazing," Alice sighed. "All those colors! And remember when Emmett tried to feed from that shark?"

We laughed along with her, and I watched her mind curiously as she remembered. It really _was_ like she had been there with us. Jasper pulled Alice into his arms, kissing the top of her head and basking in her excitement and love as her mind and chatter jumped from memory to memory: our time with the Amazons, exploring the Olympic Peninsula, Emmett and I racing up Mount Everest. He was wishing that he could have seen those things with her, too.

Carlisle noticed his wistful expression. "Don't worry, Jasper," he said. "I'm sure we'll travel again before too long. You're a part of this family now; you'll get to see everything, and meet everyone."

"Like Garrett and Liam," Alice said excitedly. "You'll like them, Jasper. They're veterans, too—the human sort, I mean. And they both fought in rebellions, like you!"

Jasper frowned, looking down at Alice and picturing her mingling with tall, aggressive, male strangers. She had put as much effort into the training tonight as the rest of us, but so far he hadn't paired her with anyone except Rosalie and Esme. Just the thought of setting her against Carlisle, against _Emmett_ … he couldn't get his head around it.

"For heaven's sake, Jasper," I sighed. "That was the whole point, wasn't it? To help Alice learn to defend herself?"

"Come on, Jazz," Alice whined. "I've been waiting for you to teach me for thirty years. Please?"

He frowned down at her, trying to convince himself. "Fine," he sighed. "Let's go."

Alice grinned and scampered farther away, and shrank down into an attack crouch. It made her so tiny it was laughable. Jasper backed up a few feet, planning a simple frontal attack for starters. But he seemed unable to move forward. His mind was stuck, along with his muscles: _I can't do it._ Alice finally jumped in the air, landing on his right shoulder. She swept down, kissing his throat in triumph. He sighed again, lowering her to the ground like a child.

"It would help if you put up a fight," Alice sulked.

"I'm sorry, darlin'. I just _can't_."

"I thought you wanted me to learn!"

"Alice is right," Carlisle told Jasper. "The best way for her to learn is by going against different types of opponents. But I understand what you mean. I haven't been able to fight against Esme either."

"Same here," Emmett said, shrugging apologetically toward Rosalie. I had often, unfortunately, had a front-row seat to the type of play-fighting that _they_ liked to do, but this was different. "I'll help you out with Alice, though." He grinned devilishly at his new little sister, cracking his knuckles and wondering how far he could throw her.

A growl rumbled in Jasper's chest, and his hands gripped Alice's shoulders tighter. "No."

"I trusted _you_ to not kill _my_ mate," Emmett said, his smile fading.

"This is different."

"How?" Emmett demanded. "Don't you think I can control myself? Send her over here!" Jasper inched forward instead, letting his growl rumble louder. Alice rolled her eyes, muttering to herself about stupid boys.

"For crying out loud!" I said in exasperation. "I'll do it. Come on, Alice."

She jerked out of Jasper's hands before the words were out of my mouth. He reached after her, but swallowed and backed up to give us some room. _I trust you more than I would Emmett_ , he thought. _But I swear, if you hurt her, you'll be lucky if you EVER find all of your fingers._

"Got it," I muttered.

"This should be interesting," Carlisle said, motioning for the others to back away, as well. _Alice's gift against Edward's. Will the fight be slow or quick?_

"Ten bucks on Edward," Emmett mouthed to Jasper behind Esme's back. Jasper just glared back at him until he moved to "hide" behind Rosalie. Alice and I drew twenty feet apart and sank down in readiness. I would have to be careful; she did look rather breakable. I would sweep around to the left, and get my—

No sooner had I planned my attack than Alice saw it. In her mind, she countered my left-sided ambush with a swish to her own left, coming around to jump on my back. I would shake her off with one flick of my shoulder... but that made her decide to abandon the jump attack and go for my knees instead. I would stop her with a gentle kick to the side. She saw that, as well, and decided to—

"Edward, I said it's all right," Jasper said. "Go ahead."

"Sshh!" I hissed, concentrating fiercely on the mental combat. Alice decided to do a back flip to avoid my kick, and I would reach out to grab the back of her neck as she flew over me. Alice growled slightly, deciding to twist back and get her teeth on my elbow. Per Jasper's rules, I would then be obliged to keep that arm behind my back, since it had been pretend-dismembered. She grinned in triumph.

"No, I would block your hands in time," I said aloud. "You wouldn't be able to do that with teeth alone. You're too little."

"Anybody know what's going on?" Emmett growled from the sidelines. "Why aren't they moving?"

Alice stuck her tongue out, and changed her strategy after she saw Jasper agreeing with me. Instead of twisting to bite, she would swing her legs in an arc to change her momentum, bringing her knees down into my groin.

"That's not allowed!" I protested.

 _Ask Jasper!_ she thought fiercely. We both saw his answer that yes, anything was allowed, and I growled my assent. No matter, I would just kick _her_ with one knee as she came in to kick me. Only I was much stronger, and she knew it. She immediately changed ideas again, deciding instead to plant her feet on my chest and spring away. But I was quicker; I would release her neck and grab her feet in time to yank her underneath me. Once I had my hands around her waist, she was done for; all the visions in the world wouldn't get her out of my grasp. I would pin her to the ground with one knee, face down. One hand in her hair, and one under her chin, and pretend-beheading her would be a snap—literally.

"I win," I announced cheerfully, standing up. Alice straightened up from her crouch, scowling in defeat. We hadn't moved an inch the entire time.

"Good practice," she grudgingly admitted. "Thanks."

"You did quite well," I praised her. "Though I think that you need to be more defensive, considering your size."

"What are you two talking about?" Jasper asked. "You never even started the fight."

Alice shrugged delicately. "We didn't need to. The whole thing played out in my visions, which Edward can see. Every new decision we made affected how the fight would play out, so we just ran through the possibilities until Edward finally found a way to beat me."

Jasper frowned, looking between the two of us. I wasn't the empath here, but it was obvious that he was jealous. Alice and I shared a connection that he could never be a part of, not even with his gift. "I can't help you become a better fighter if I can't see what you're doing," he told her. "But Edward does have a point. Your visions can only keep you safe to a certain extent. You're so small and weak that you lose your advantage the moment your opponent gets a grip on you. You need to operate defensively unless you see a golden opportunity—one you can take without too much risk."

"And you'll show me how to recognize said golden opportunities?" she teased, her eyes sparkling up at him. "Come on, Jazz. I want _you_ to teach me."

He drew a deep breath, unable to pull himself away from her gaze. "You, Miss Cullen, are a dangerous creature," he whispered.

She grinned in triumph and pulled away from him, crouching defensively for his attack. She gave him a wicked smile, and it was enough to thaw his hesitation. He darted forward, but found her already standing behind him. He tried again with the same result. He dove for her a third time at top speed, but his arms closed around thin air. We all laughed to see the great soldier bested by his miniature mate.

Rosalie and Carlisle decided to fight together, as well, and they were soon a tangled blur of golden hair as they began sparring. Esme, Emmett and I watched them curiously.

"So what do you think of this new style, Em?" I asked, nudging him with my elbow. "Lethal strategy, dismemberment lessons, the girls getting involved?"

He shrugged his huge shoulders. "I dunno. Kinda takes the fun out of, you know, this." Before he even finished forming the thought, his fist crashed right into my jaw. There was an odd cracking sound and a flash of pain. I tumbled to the ground cussing and Emmett burst out laughing, replaying my shocked expression in his mind. _I'm sorry! I just couldn't help it that time!_ _Ha ha!_

"EMMETT CULLEN!" Esme shrieked at him, darting over to kneel beside me.

"I'm fine," I growled, glaring at Emmett over her head. I sat up and worked my jaw carefully, waiting until the pain receded to speak again. "He just saw a golden opportunity. Isn't that right, Emmett?"

He sighed heavily. "You're already plotting something in revenge, aren't you?"

"You'd better believe it." I opened and shut my jaw one more time, satisfied that I would be all right eventually. "And I haven't forgotten about the paint, either."

Esme stood up, humming in disapproval and brushing the dirt off the knees of her jeans as though she hadn't spent the last six hours pretending to kill her adopted children. "Just keep it away from the house, you two," she warned.

We smiled at her in unison, the very picture of innocence. "Of course, Mom," I said smoothly. It worked like a charm, as always; she melted whenever I used that word. Her attention drifted back to the fights in progress. Even if she herself hadn't proven to be the best student, she was glad that our family was taking this step... that we would be somewhat prepared, should the worst ever happen. She was grateful for Jasper's willingness to teach, and she was enormously proud of Rosalie for her unexpected aptitude.

"Carlisle's glad, you know," I told her quietly.

"About what?"

"That you're not enjoying the fighting. It's hard enough for him to imagine the rest of us putting ourselves in danger, even if the danger were to come to us. But whenever he tries to picture _you_ doing it, his mind just locks up. I think he just wants to rescue you, should it come to it."

Esme shook her head, smiling as she watched Carlisle again. He had moved on to Jasper now, and they were practicing aerial attack strategies. _Romantic fool_ , she thought dreamily.

"Probably," I murmured. "If there was ever a real fight, I think you'd be the fiercest of us all. A mother bear defending her cubs would have nothing on you, Esme."

She smiled and laid her head against my shoulder, watching the fighting. At least she wasn't flinching anymore when someone landed a hit or kick. And it really was all just for fun. There was no way a coven as big and talented as ours would ever be challenged. And we would never be so stupid as to wander south or provoke the Volturi in any way. Still… it was good to be prepared for such an unlikely event. And if nothing else, sparring with my brothers was going to be a lot more interesting from now on. We might even let the girls tag along next time.


	22. Family Fun Night Part 2

**It's officially time for a pure-fluff chapter. Enjoy :)**

**Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Twilight, I also don't own** **_Pride and Prejudice_ ** **.**

* * *

We wrapped things up around three in the morning. It was a good thing we hadn't brought the new van; we were so filthy, Esme wouldn't have let us get back into it anyway. As we ran home, she and Carlisle were discussing the urgency of adding at least one more full bathroom to the downstairs, and the requisite plumbing updates that would need to be made. Jasper was deep in thought, planning out the topics he wanted to cover in our next training session. Emmett was anxiously watching me, wondering when I would exact my revenge for his little stunt earlier. I would wait a while, though; sometimes the best part of the revenge was watching him squirm for a year or two.

As we neared the house, Esme turned to us. "I don't want a speck of dirt tracked through the house," she said firmly. "You're all perfectly capable of using the bathroom window. I'll go first, and I'll lay out some clothes for each of you in turn- ladies first, of course. And Jasper, you'll be the last to clean up. I have a surprise for you."

Her thoughts gave it away immediately, and Alice soon saw the plans as well. We grinned at each other, ignoring the others as they tried to drag the secret out of us. Jasper was looking jealous again, but at least he was distracted by the prospect of whatever Esme was planning. And her mystery surprise worked like a charm: everyone was cleaning up in record time. Soon it was Emmett's turn to leap up to the window, leaving only Jasper and I outside. I turned to him, eager to clear the air.

"Jasper…"

He raised his eyebrows, his curiosity piqued by my nebulous emotions.

"About Alice… and me," I began awkwardly.

He relaxed and shrugged dismissively, picturing her innocent smile." Don't worry about it," he said. "I don't fault you for anything. I know our gifts make things a little unusual. I'll admit, it is a little... unnerving, seeing her have that kind of intimacy with another man. But I'll get used to it."

I nodded, relieved that he had said it for me. "And you can tell that I'm not feeling anything… inappropriate, right?"

He smiled slightly. "Yes, being an empath does come in handy when it comes to trust. I appreciate your assurance, though."

"Edward!" Esme called from the bathroom window. "Your turn!"

I jumped up just in time to see the bathroom door slam shut—as if Esme could hide what she was wearing from me. I grinned to see exactly what I had expected to see hanging on the back of the door: my tuxedo. She had also left my shoes, cufflinks, and… my old jar of pomade.

"Esme!" I moaned. "I am not wearing this! The thirties are ancient history!"

 _Oh, be a good sport, Edward!_ _I've been listening to Carlisle complain about his cravat for the past two minutes!_

I growled one final protest and showered quickly. I hadn't worn the tuxedo since Emmett's and Rosalie's wedding—their _first_ wedding, that is. I donned it in a flash and then sighed in defeat as I cracked open the jar. The pomade's smell was even more repulsive than the last time I had used it; I supposed that after so many years on the shelf, the chemicals had begun to degrade. I smeared a greasy handful through my hair, scowling into the mirror as I combed it in.

Esme knocked gently on the door, and I called her in. She looked lovely in her blue evening gown; it was the same one that Carlisle had gotten for her when she was new. She had most of her hair down, with bluebells dancing through her curls. She was even wearing her long gloves.

"You look lovely," I murmured, reaching up to touch one of the flowers in her hair.

 _And you are as handsome as ever,_ she thought proudly. I grinned and dodged her hand—she was already back in her habit of trying to fix that one stubborn lock of hair that always refused to stay in formation. She hung Jasper's surprise on the door hook and called him up. We both went out into the hallway, closing the door behind us. I gallantly offered her my arm and we descended the staircase at a respectable human speed.

"What does he think?" she whispered to me when we reached the bottom.

I flicked my attention upstairs for a brief second. "He likes it," I told her. "He's wondering how he became so lucky, to not only have Alice, but to have all of us. You especially, Esme." It was true; Jasper had hardly any memories of his real mother, but Esme was turning out to be more than he ever could have hoped for. He still pictured himself as removed from the rest of us, but tonight seemed to have gone a long way toward a sense of belonging.

She smiled, relieved. The rest of our family were waiting in the living room. Emmett was looking an inch too tall in his wedding tuxedo, and was staring open-mouthed at Rosalie. She was decked out in the gown that Esme had made for her, back when she attended her first symphony: the one in deep red organza, with the black roses. But she had forsaken the hat, keeping just a bit of the black ivy for her hair, which spilled out of a loose twist. Emmett hadn't breathed since she had come down the stairs. Alice had on the polka-dotted dress, that first one that Esme had gotten her last month. And Carlisle…

I tried my best not to laugh. It seemed Esme was dressing us all from our own eras, our beginnings—which made little difference for those of us who had actually been _born_ in this century. But poor Carlisle was dressed in a silken waistcoat, so heavily embroidered that the blue silk itself could hardly be seen. Over this was an open woolen coat. At least this was a harmless beige, though it was arrayed generously with gold buttons. The lace of his linen shirt was peeking out of both his wide sleeves and at his neck- which was also complicated by the frivolous cravat he was tugging at impatiently. His breeches ended at the knee, giving way to silken hose. His shoes had huge square toes. They even had the requisite buckles. He had everything but the tricorn hat. As ridiculous as it all looked, it seemed to suit him, in a familiar sort of way.

"Wow," I said. "That's… interesting."

Emmett finally breathed again, turning to see our father for the first time. He burst out laughing immediately. " _That's_ what you wore as a human?" he asked.

"No," Carlisle sighed, shrugging uncomfortably in his many layers. "I didn't get these until 1717. And I would never have dressed up like this as a human, anyway. My father would never have allowed it, even if we could afforded anything so ridiculously opulent."

"Wait a minute," Rosalie said, taking another look at his attire. "1717? You were in Volterra then, weren't you?"

I snapped my fingers. "I _knew_ it looked familiar. You're wearing that in the Solimena painting!"

Carlisle nodded to both of us. "Yes, I bought this when I was preparing to sail to the New World. Aro convinced me to wear it for the sitting, as well."

"You wore that for the sea voyage?" Esme asked curiously. "I would have thought you'd want to attract _less_ attention, not more."

"Normally, yes," Carlisle mused, his thoughts drifting into the past. "But in this case, I thought it best to appear wealthy. The supernatural world wasn't quite so fictional back then, you understand. I knew that I would literally be spending months with a group of humans on the ship, that it would be natural for all the passengers to get to know one another quite well. I kept to myself as much as possible, and dressing like a gentleman made that behavior appear more normal. Also, I knew any odd behavior would be less likely to inspire superstitious whispers this way. Then, as now, humans are more willing to overlook eccentricities in the rich, versus the poor."

"You look like a pilgrim," Emmett snorted.

" _I_ think you look devastatingly handsome," Esme said firmly. She reached up and straightened his cravat, earning a tolerant smile.

Rosalie tilted her head, studying our father. "You know, Esme, I think you're right. He reminds me of Mr. Darcy, actually."

"Yes," Esme laughed, her eyes sweeping over Carlisle again. "That's it exactly."

Carlisle raised one eyebrow theatrically. "Is this a compliment, madam, or a censure?"

Esme tried in vain to force her smile down, settling for a careful smirk that would have been worthy of Elizabeth Bennet. "Why, a compliment, Dr. Cullen," she said demurely, "You may be assured of my approval… and my admiration." She dropped a slight curtsy, offering him her gloved hand.

"In that case, my dear Mrs. Cullen," he replied solemnly, "you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." He bowed over her hand, letting his kiss linger on her glove as he looked up at her, his eyes dancing. Rosalie and Alice sighed, Emmett gagged, and I rolled my eyes as my parents drifted off into their own little world. But we were soon rescued by the sound of a door opening upstairs.

We all turned back to the staircase, and Jasper froze in confusion as he took in the sight of our eclectic dress. But his own attire was no less interesting: Esme's surprise was a Confederate army uniform. The jacket was gray wool, double-breasted with two rows of buttons. A thin insignia of gold braid was woven onto the lower sleeves, matched in color by the single star at his collar and the golden sash hanging from his belt. He was holding himself even taller than usual, but a hint of uncertainty flashed through his mind as he sought out Alice, wondering what she thought.

He needn't have worried. She swished halfway up the stairs to meet him and he grinned, bowing to her.

"Jasper," she squeaked, "You look… you look…" For once, it seemed that Alice Cullen was at a loss for words.

"Thank you, ma'am," Jasper said with a bow. He offered her his arm and they descended together, Alice eagerly digging her fingers into the wool of Jasper's sleeve. Carlisle suddenly jumped into mental overdrive, scrambling to distract himself.

"What?" I asked, turning back to him.

Carlisle shook his head, keeping his eyes and mind on Jasper and Alice. "That looks fine, Jasper. Is it much like your own?"

Jasper looked proudly down at his sleeves, then fingered the star on his collar. "It's _exactly_ like my own, right down to the rank and the color of the sash. Esme, you did this?"

She nodded. "I started looking right away, because I knew you and Alice would be staying and I wanted to have an evening like this sometime. It took a couple of weeks for the local antique shop to get it—they had to send away, and there were only so many uniforms for your height, and with the right sleeve for a major. It suits you perfectly!"

"It _is_ perfect, Esme. I don't know what to say. I feel almost… human."

Esme rushed into his arms, trapping him and Alice in her proud hug. _That's all I wanted to hear. He looks so happy!_

Jasper relaxed into her embrace, marveling at the motherly love that he had stumbled upon, after so many years of hatred and emptiness… and it was all because of Alice. He sent Esme a burst of his own fledgling love for her; his silent thanks.

"I didn't know about tonight's practice when I ordered it," Esme told him, pulling away and wiping at her dry eyes. "But I got it out tonight to say thank you."

"Mmm," Alice hummed, leaning back into Jasper's clasped hands. "Something's missing."

Jasper's left hand swished at his side. "The saber," he said reverently, new memories resurfacing.

"I left that upstairs," Esme said firmly. "You've all had your fun pretending to tear each other apart. No more violence tonight, and no swords. We're _dancing_."

Alice squealed and jumped into Jasper's arms. "Dancing?" Jasper echoed weakly, his shoulders dropping a little. "I don't know how to dance."

"Neither did I," Emmett said. "But you can learn."

"Didn't you dance as a human, Jasper?" I asked.

"No. At least, I don't… wait." He closed his eyes, trying to remember. Feeling the weight of the uniform was bringing back some new memories, and he vaguely recalled standing in a line with other men in gray, a line of sparkling ladies opposite, one couple skipping gaily down the line… "The Virginia Reel," he said suddenly. "I remember dancing the Virginia Reel. I don't really remember the steps, though."

"I think I can teach this particular lesson," Carlisle said with a nostalgic smile. "Though we'll need the right kind of music."

I frowned as I watch the dance play out in both their minds; it appeared there was no place for a man without a partner. "I'll play something on the piano," I offered.

Esme wasn't fooled. She glanced at me in worry. _Oh, Edward…_ "Let's do something else," she said, turning back to Carlisle a little too quickly.

"Nonsense," I growled, heading to the piano before she could say anything else. I _hated_ it when she looked at me like that. While Carlisle explained the steps to the others, I dug through my piano bench, finding a book Esme had bought me back in the twenties, a collection of American folk music. Not my favorite, but I had tinkered with it, for a while, to please her. I cracked open the book, settling on a piece called "Durang's Hornpipe."

As soon as I started playing, Jasper smiled to himself as a new memory burst over him. He was sitting at a campfire, laughing and talking with some enlisted men. A bottle was being passed around, and this same song was being played, by Jasper himself—on the banjo, no less. He seemed to have some talent, though his rhythm was decidedly slurred by his good-natured drunkenness. I laughed aloud at the image, and Jasper shook his head in embarrassment, silently asking me to keep this particular memory to myself. But it was enough to cheer me up, and I played out the rest of the song with an energetic bounce to my notes, watching as the others danced the Reel.

I kept playing through the rest of the book. After they had done the Reel a few times, Esme tried to teach them something called a Mazurka—only she was going from human memories, and Carlisle hadn't done that particular one, so he couldn't help her teach it. The result was a mass of tangled feet and laughter.

When I had finished the book, Rosalie brought out her entire record collection. Her first choice was a Dorsey Brothers record, and I tapped Emmett's shoulder, politely asking if I could cut in. He was considering making some wisecrack about me being the odd man out, but decided to keep his mouth shut, considering the jaw incident earlier tonight. He bowed out, snatching Alice out of Jasper's hands instead.

It felt good to be dancing with Rosalie again, to one of our old favorites, "Lost in a Fog." It had come out in 1934, and we were both remembering the first time we had danced it together, back in Tennessee: again, in the living room. It was an odd tune, a melancholy trombone hovering over a more optimistic orchestral component. It had been a perfect reflection, at the time, of the awkwardness in our house, and in Rosalie's heart: those two years before Emmett's change had been difficult. Rosalie was torn, nearly every minute, between her anger at Carlisle for what he had done for her, self-pity at her own losses, and a sense of reluctant duty to her new family. The fact that she loved us, each in her own way, wasn't enough to overcome any of these.

We had just gotten in the habit, at the time, of dancing together. It was decidedly awkward at first: Carlisle and Esme together, and Rosalie and I together. Carlisle and I switched often enough, but it was still awkward, even though Rosalie hadn't known, at the time, why Carlisle had changed her. And while she enjoyed the music and the dancing for themselves, it always seemed to highlight the life she had been denied. So when we first danced _Lost in a Fog_ together, her mind had been the sort of place I did my best to avoid. And even now, she still wasn't as content as I would wish her to be... but worlds better.

 _Do you remember when we first danced this together?_ Rosalie asked me silently. I nodded, smiling as she relived the same memory I had just been reliving. She peeked over at Emmett, then, smiling as he swept Alice along like a rag doll. Over to our right, Jasper was dancing imperceptibly with Esme, whispering some of his new human memories to her, and soaking in her happiness as she listened. Carlisle was manning the record player, watching us all with a proud, gentle smile.

"Things have changed quite a bit since then, haven't they?" I murmured in her ear.

 _Yes._ She hesitated, remembering her own melancholy at that first dance. How lost she had felt. She looked up into my eyes, an unusual gentleness in her own. _You'll find someone, Edward. I know you will. She's out there somewhere._

I pulled her closer, sighing up at the ceiling as we danced. Thoughts like that were somehow easier to take from my sister, than my mother, at least when they were thought in kindness, as they were tonight. Still, I preferred not to hear them at all.

But this was the way things were. My eyes swept again over my family, all dressed in their own memories. Did I wish that I had someone of my own to dance with? Without a doubt. But I, for one, refused to sink into the melancholy that the song was calling me to. I wouldn't deny the happiness that this family brought me. Even if, someday, I hoped to have more.

* * *

**Short but sweet, I hope. There wasn't much to put in this chapter, but I wanted the cuteness to stand alone.** **Up next: Two unexpected visitors arrive.**

**Update summer 2020: So, the Confederate uniform element didn't age too well... I've taken it out of other chapters but I haven't decided yet what I want to do with it here in this chapter. I think I actually might leave it, since the whole point is for everyone to wear the clothes they wore in their their hu** **man/newborn days. And the unifo** **rm may end up coming back into the story at a later time, as a representative visual in Jasper's journey away from racism.**


	23. Inspirations

**I've decided that I have the best readers/reviewers ever. Seriously, you guys are great- all your in-depth comments, ideas, questions, and encouragement really make this a lot of fun. And a huge thank you to all the guests that have reviewed lately!**

* * *

When Carlisle got home from work the next day, he, too, had a surprise for Jasper.

"I'd like to take your desensitization in parts," he told Jasper, setting his briefcase on the dining room table. "First we'll work only with scent, then only with sight, before we put the two together."

He clicked open the briefcase and pulled out a hospital gown. There was no blood on it, but it had clearly been worn by one of his patients last night- it was thick with human scent. Jasper's throat flared and he had his hands on the gown in a flash. I expected Carlisle to snatch it away from him, but he actually pushed it into Jasper's hands. It was sad to see my brother bury his face in it, his hands trembling as he crushed the fabric between his fingers. At least he didn't try to _bite_ it.

"Sorry," he muttered after a moment. I was already across the room, my own throat aching with his second-hand thirst.

"No, it's all right," Carlisle assured him. "This is quite different from the blood challenge. That was an exercise in self-control, and it was too much, at least for now. This is just pure desensitization. I _want_ you to keep the fabric close. In fact, I want you to wear it over your own clothes for the rest of the day."

Emmett and I had a good laugh as Jasper reluctantly donned the gown- until a glare from Alice shut us up. As Jasper drew another breath, I wished him luck and headed outside to put some distance between our minds. My throat cooled as I backed away from the house. I glanced toward the woods, considering a brief hunt. But I didn't _really_ need it. It wasn't like it was real thirst anyway; just a phantom. As long as I stayed out here, I would be fine.

Carlisle's idea with the gown was a good one: challenging, but with no risk. Inside, he was explaining his plan to Jasper: he would bring home a fresh gown every morning from now on, as long as it took. Once things got easier, he would start bringing home gowns with small spatters of blood on them: dried blood, of course. Again, challenging but without the risk of any kind of accident or blood ingestion. Carlisle and Jasper were both silently guessing how long this particular stage would take. Weeks, probably.

 _Weeks_ , I thought with a sigh. It looked like I would be spending a lot of time outside, for the time being. There was no point in uselessly exposing myself to Jasper's suffering.

… or was there?

I inched closer to the house, feeling the phantom burn increase as I grew closer to Jasper's mind again. It was remarkably like when I had first begun the blood challenges, and measured my success in footsteps, in yards.

What if this was another variable I could use, on top of the new diet?

Desensitization no longer held any challenge for me, personally. But by letting myself experience Jasper's thirst during his desensitization, I could add another layer of challenge to my own battle. Not that I could ever overcome it- it wasn't my own- but perhaps part of the goal should be to learn to ignore thirst when it _was_ present. Carlisle had just said the other day that thirst had a big psychological component. What if half the battle was preventing not just the thirst itself, but the cascade of desire that it brought on? I had already been dealing with Jasper's incessant thirst for a few weeks, after all. I had slowly, without even thinking about it, assigned that extra input to the back of my mind, to the point where I hardly noticed it. Would there be a benefit to doing this again, with his new level of thirst?

I ran quickly through the memory of my blunder in the operating room. What if I were to be in a similar situation again someday, but with a stronger control over not only the monster himself, but over my own ability to ignore incidental thirst? Would things be different? Would I be different?

Absolutely.

I walked back into the house, back into the burn. Jasper was still standing by the dining room table, taking careful, shallow breaths. Alice had her arms locked around his waist, looked worriedly up at his darkening eyes. Carlisle was already beginning to second-guess his plan.

"Is it too much, Jasper?" he asked. "Maybe we could start with the gown just being in the house, not on you."

 _Of course it's too much!_ Jasper growled mentally. But he glanced over at me as I walked in, and clenched his teeth. Not against the thirst, so much, but against the thoughts that the scent was sending him towards- the thoughts he knew I had just caught him in. He was undeniably creative; for someone who had never set foot in a modern hospital, he was inventing all sorts of colorful scenarios in which he massacred its gowned inhabitants, all bleeding from various injuries and surgeries. But then he remembered our conversation from the other night. He straightened his shoulders and forced the fantasies away. "No, this is fine," he told Carlisle. "It's exactly what I need. Thanks."

Carlisle relaxed, but kept watching Jasper's eyes. "You'll have to hunt more often for a while," he told him. "Take it off when you go. And of course, if it gets to be too much."

Jasper nodded, and let Alice pull him up the stairs. I went into my own room, which was at the opposite end of the house. Usually I was grateful for this distance from my family- and their amorous adventures- but now it was taking Jasper's thirst farther away from me. My throat settled down into a low simmer, but it was better than nothing. And I really didn't want to make things more difficult for my brother, emotionally.

This part of the experiment would only last a few weeks, but then I would have a new opportunity. Once Jasper progressed to the point where we could begin taking him out in public, I would be able to take advantage of his thirst then. Every little bit would help.

I spent the morning working on my new bookshelves. Instead of building a traditional block of shelves, I decided to follow Esme's design with the scattered windows. I built a small pair of shelves under each window. While the stain on them dried, I arranged the few pieces of furniture I had, organized my new desk, and installed the crown molding that Emmett and Jasper had "forgotten" to put up. Then I brought everything in from the garage, put my clothes in the closet, and ordered my books on the new shelves. I had never had much in the way of what Esme and Rosalie called "décor", but I set out my record player, records, globe, a couple of plants, and the two paintings that Esme had done back in her first year.

I stood back, pleased with my work. It was a relief to have my own space again, and to feel that things were right again. My existence had dealt me a few unexpected blows lately, but it was going to be all right. I no longer felt like I needed to do anything extreme, as I had been planning last month. I had the new diet, and now this extra layer of challenge with Jasper's thirst. As long as I had a battleground on which to fight, I could be content- as long as I was doing _something_ to overcome the monster within me. And as long as I had my family, I had a _reason_ to keep fighting.

.

.

.

July passed quickly. Jasper continued daily with his "gown duty", as Emmett like to call it, with some success. On the nights that Carlisle was off work, we all went together to the baseball field to practice fighting, though some of us were beginning to lose interest. Once a skill was learned, our kind didn't generally require "practice", per se. Emmett still preferred our old rough-and-tumble style of fighting, and Esme had stopped participating altogether. Carlisle wanted to stop as well, but continued for Jasper's sake; it was obvious to all of us how much it meant to him to be teaching us. And on the nights that it stormed, we all played baseball together instead.

Some of us ended up at the baseball field every night, even when Carlisle was at work. Rosalie had quickly become Jasper's most eager student, and the two were becoming fast friends. Now it was my turn to feel a bit jealous; Jasper had easily found his way into a part of Rosalie's heart that I had never even seen. He was, in a way, the only one capable of truly understanding her emotions… though maybe _respecting_ her emotions was more like it. And she, in turn, had been surprised to find a kindred spirit in her new brother. He had opened up a whole new world to her with the combat training- and though she hoped to never need her new skills, she was glad to have them. She seemed to be strangely invigorated by the idea of being able to defend not only herself, but her family. She never shied away from the harshness of Jasper's lessons. She and Jasper shared a practicality that both chilled and warmed my heart. I had no doubt that if our family was ever in danger, these two would be our strongest defenders- they were the two most likely to do what needed to be done, no matter how brutal.

I was still enjoying the fighting, too, though my focus was more on the skills themselves, rather than the potential for using them. It was pretty unlikely we would ever need to fight against our own kind.

I was also composing again, as well as competing against Alice this week to see who could learn Gaelic the fastest. We were using the same material, but the rule was we could do only an hour of study per day. Emmett was engrossed in another project, but he had managed so far to keep it from me. Esme- and Jasper and Carlisle, when she got a hold of them- were busy building on the new bathroom and updating the plumbing. Rosalie was the busiest of us all, what with her nightly lessons with Jasper, shopping with Alice, working on the new van, and there was some mystery project that she was hiding from me- possibly the same one Emmett was sneaking around about, but as yet I hadn't figured it out.

My new diet was going well, though I had been obliged to feed slightly more often than usual lately. Whether that was because of the added challenge of Jasper's thirst, or because of the diet itself, was impossible to say. But I had managed to stick to the plan, so far: I hadn't descended into a real feeding frenzy in well over a month now.

Jasper wasn't doing nearly so well in his own project. He faithfully wore the hospital gowns every day, and fed every day to keep the thirst tolerable. But he wasn't making as much progress as Carlisle had hoped. The scent on the gowns still tormented him, and his daily hunts were barely keeping the thirst at a manageable level. Carlisle had wanted him to take a few days off in mid-July, but he had refused, saying that some progress was better than no progress at all. I frequently caught him "getting nostalgic" about human blood, as he had so nicely called it. I snapped him out of it when I could, and he generally tolerated my interference; he had asked for it, after all. A few times, when the thirst was at its worst, he would snarl and tell me to mind my own business, but he always apologized later on.

It was now the first Monday in August. I had spent the past couple of nights doing my part in the construction project: I was building the vanity. It had been years since I had worked with wood, and it felt good to dabble in carpentry again. I had spent most of this past night doing detail work in the garage, carving a line of daisies and ivy across the front and down the borders of each of the lower doors. I would have preferred to do this outside, but it was raining. And besides, I was still trying to stay in the house when Jasper was, so I could take advantage of his thirst. By the time the sun rose, the air in the garage was choked with sawdust, and I was ready to get cleaned up. I headed to my room and opened my closet door to find…

Someone else's clothes.

I leaned in, sniffing the fabric curiously. Alice.

"Alice!" I called. "Where are my clothes?"

She zipped into the room. "Whatever do you mean?" she asked innocently.

" _Where_ are my clothes?" I repeated, taking a threatening step towards her.

"Now, don't get mad," she began, backing a couple of steps toward the door. "I just thought you needed a little update. Your trousers were embarrassingly unpleated, and single-breasted suits are the thing now, not double-breasted, and your collars were all wrong, and you didn't have nearly enough sweaters!"

"Alice…"

"You're going to look _amazing_ in gray flannel," she continued cheerfully, pointing to my couch. I finally saw the suit that was laid out, complete with new shirt and tie. _And_ new shoes, shining on the floor. They looked like someone had taken apart my old wingtip shoes and put them back together the wrong way.

"They're saddle shoes," she said, using the same authoritative tone Jasper used during combat training. "They're the latest-"

"I'm perfectly capable of dressing myself," I interrupted. "And I have no reason to wear any kind of suit when I'm not going anywhere. Now where are my other clothes?"

"Um, gone…" She took another step backwards, frowning as a vision of my angry face flicked across her brain. "To a good cause! I gave most of it to that thrift store downtown. I mean, not the underwear, I just threw that away-"

"You've been going through my _underwear_?" I growled, taking another step towards her.

"Well, it's sort of ridiculous to have a whole new wardrobe only on the outside, don't you think? And the way you had your sock drawer organized was completely-"

"Esme!" I called.

"It's not _my_ fault that you have absolutely no taste in clothing!"

Our mother appeared in the doorway, her hair white with drywall dust. "What is it? Oh, Edward, what a nice suit! Are you wearing that today?"

I sighed, picking up Alice by her shoulders and depositing her in the hallway next to Esme. "Would you _please_ tell your daughter to leave my things alone?"

Esme looked between us. "What-"

"I'm just doing my part!" Alice protested. "Jasper gets to teach everyone how to fight, and Rosalie works on the cars, and Carlisle goes to work-"

" _And_ she's been in my underwear drawer," I hissed.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh, please! It's not like we haven't seen each other undressed a hundred times, what with-"

"Stay out of my room!"

Esme held up her hands. "Enough, you two! Edward, what is this about?"

I glared down at my sister. "Alice took it upon herself to replace _all_ of my clothing, without telling me."

"I left the tuxedo, didn't I? And it's not like you ever go shopping for yourself anyway!"

"Because I already have clothes that I like- or I _did,_ until today."

"Edward," Esme said, turning to me, "Alice has a point. You hardly ever do your own clothes shopping. Why does it matter whether your mother or sister does it for you?"

"It doesn't," I admitted. "But I would prefer to _not_ have my entire wardrobe thrown out with my knowledge."

"That was not a wardrobe," Alice sniffed. "It was a disgrace."

"Who made _you_ the expert on men's fashion? You've been shopping for, what, six weeks total?"

She stuck out her tongue, mentally scrolling through all the "research" she had been doing, courtesy of Rosalie's magazine horde.

Esme sighed. "Alice, I think it's very sweet that you'd like to help all of us with our clothes. But you really shouldn't do this much, or throw things away, without telling the person in question."

"Or lay their clothes out like they're unable to dress themselves," I added pointedly.

_Jasper likes it._

"I am _not_ Jasper!"

"And," Esme continued in a louder voice, "I think you need to respect the privacy of Edward's underthings from now on. I'll take care of that part, or he will. All right?"

Alice nodded glumly, checking ahead to see if I would wear the gray suit today, anyway. But instead, she found Eleazar and Carmen standing in our living room, talking and laughing with the rest of us.

She blinked, coming out of it. "Oh! Isn't that nice?"

I frowned at the vision, uncertain what to think. I hadn't expected Eleazar's family devotion to be put to the test quite so soon.

"What did you see, Alice?" Esme asked.

"Eleazar and Carmen are coming for a visit!"

"That's wonderful! When?"

Alice squinted at nothing. "Definitely today. Two hours, maybe?"

"Two hours!" Esme gasped, her hand flying up to her powdery hair. _The downstairs is such a mess, and my hair!_ She darted away, calling for Jasper and Emmett to start cleaning up the loose lumber. I turned to Alice curiously.

"How can you tell it's later this morning? How do you know it's not tomorrow?"

She cocked her head, considering. "I don't know. It just… shimmers, I guess, when it's that close. But it's not _very_ shimmery, which means it's not in a matter of minutes. Now, where were we?"

"You were promising never to touch my clothes again."

She pouted. "No, I wasn't."

" _Promise_ , Alice."

She sighed up at the ceiling dramatically. "I promise to leave your underwear drawer in peace, and I promise not to throw out your entire wardrobe without your knowledge again. But I will _not_ promise never to pick clothes out for you, or to buy them for you. You _need_ me."

"No, I don't. Now shoo."

She paused in the doorway, looking hopefully over her shoulder. "Carmen would love to see the gray suit on-"

" _Out_!"

She sighed, flitting out of the room. _You're so grumpy this week. I'm just trying to help!_

I growled at the empty hallway one last time and hung up the suit, selecting a more reasonable shirt and slacks. She was right, though- I had been unnecessarily harsh. Jasper's thirst was worse than usual this week, and it was wearing on me. Carlisle had been bringing home gowns lately that had been worn for hours or days at a time, instead of just briefly. It was a small step, but enough to help Jasper feel that he was accomplishing something- and enough that it made the scent harder to him to bear. Even now, I could hear him outside as he helped Emmett take the excess wood out to the shed. He was idly wondering whether the person whose scent was wearing was male or female, and how old, and how the taste would…

"Jasper!" I shouted through the closed window. "Thoughts!"

There was a crash as Jasper growled and threw the wood into the shed. I wasn't the only one who was having a hard time this week. But he dutifully changed the direction of his thoughts, picturing instead a smiling girl bearing the scent, and telling himself how fortunate she was to still be alive, for now. Not exactly the inspirational shift I had hoped for, but I had annoyed him enough for one morning.

After I was cleaned up, I decided to make it up to Alice by working on her and Jasper's song. I was fairly satisfied with the third movement, and now I returned to working on the first- Alice's theme. I held my hands on the silent keys, tapping my little finger repeatedly as I thought: I had an idea. Alice and Jasper's unique romance had more than a touch of fate to it, of destiny; neither of them had ever been anywhere near complete without the other. Shouldn't the music reflect that, somehow?

Instead of writing each of their themes separately, I decided to write them simultaneously. I began experimenting with a melody, trying it out first in the upper octaves, and then playing its exact reverse in the bass range, at half the tempo. Jasper's years of hopelessness were the reverse of Alice's years of confidence, after all. Would it work, musically? I played the two together, trying to mesh Alice's restless energy with Jasper's somber, timeless emptiness. They had always existed together, at least for Alice; it only seemed right that they reflect and tangle in each other. But it wasn't right, somehow. I tried playing Jasper's part alone, to represent the many years he had lived on the earth without her. But something still wasn't right. I tweaked the melody again; still not right.

"Is this a new one?"

I jerked my hands off the keys, to find Alice perched on top of the piano ten inches from my face. I almost said something about the rudeness of sitting on people's pianos and startling them, but then I remembered that I was trying to make up for _my_ rudeness. Unfortunately, she heard me anyway. She sighed delicately, hopping off the piano.

_I'm sorry I took over your closet._

"And I'm sorry I bit your head off."

_Friends! So, what are you working on?_

"A song for you and Jasper. I was going to surprise you with it when it was finished, but that probably wouldn't have worked."

"Probably not. It's okay, I'm surprised now!"

She stood frozen, watching as I tinkered again and again with the notes. I didn't usually meet with this much difficulty in my compositions. I stopped playing again, frowning down at the keys. Alice hummed the upper melody to fill the quiet. Her singing voice was exactly like her appearance- tiny and sparkling, flitting well above the treble staff with ease.

"Alice… what was it like, waiting for Jasper?"

Her eyes softened then, making her look suspiciously like Esme for a moment. _You're lonely, aren't you?_

I scowled back down at the keys. "No! I'm trying to figure out the melody, but I keep getting stuck. The higher melody is supposed to represent the years you spent waiting for Jasper." I picked up my right hand, demonstrating the tune again for her.

"Well, it wasn't like _that_ ," she said firmly. _You make it sound too confident and light. You can't imagine how hard it was, watching him through a glass wall like that. You can't imagine how helpless I felt._

I watched, silently, as she relived vision after painful vision. Jasper was on the battlefield, then standing alone on a cliff, then arguing with Maria, then executing other vampires, then suffering from the horrible emotions brought on by feeding… and she couldn't do a thing about any of it.

"Sometimes…" she began quietly, her eyes flicking out the window, "sometimes I saw him die. During a battle, I mean. I would see a particular fight ending badly for him, and I would see him burn- just for a second, usually, and then he would change his strategy and win the fight after all, or Peter would see him struggling and come back him up. And even when I knew he would be all right, I still hated watching. But I had to watch, because I might miss something. And I couldn't miss anything- if I did, it was like it happened for nothing."

She traced an invisible pattern on the piano's black finish. "Waiting for Jasper- for all of you- was like holding my breath. It was like waiting for my life to begin. Only everybody I loved was already living their lives, without me." She laughed, pulling her hand away. "Sometimes, I'd join in. One time I was in a park, just passing the time in the shadows and watching the human families play in the grass. But at the same time I was watching you and Emmett. You were in India, tracking that ridiculous tiger…"

I snorted out a laugh; not one of our finer moments, that. Seeing it in Alice's mind made it look even more absurd.

"And I knew, ahead of time, that the tiger was stalking that boy, and that if you two didn't pick up the pace, you wouldn't get to save the boy's life. I actually yelled 'Hurry up!' out loud, right there in the park. You should have seen the looks people gave me." She took a deep breath. "But that's what I mean. Even moments like that were hard. Did you know that if you hadn't reached the tiger in time, Emmett would have finished the boy off himself? He wouldn't have been able to stop himself, Edward. Not after the tiger drew blood. He was so upset afterwards, and Rosalie was so angry… those are the kinds of things I had to watch. Even when they didn't come true…"

"Like me leaving," I offered, feeling a pang of guilt.

She frowned. "Yes, exactly. At least this time I was able to do something."

I laid my fingers on the keys again, considering her words _._ I played the same melody as before, but quieter, with pauses and breaks thrown in. The story was about the same girl as was standing next to me now, but holding her breath, uncertain. Hoping, as she stood and watched the world alone, that the futures she clung to would come true someday. I couldn't bear to take the hope out of the melody; and that wouldn't be right, anyway. Hope was all she had had, back then. I switched hands and tried the same thing for Jasper's theme. Only on his side, the pauses and breaks weren't hope; they were despair. It worked, surprisingly. I decided that each separate theme would still have its reverse echo in the other scale, but trailing along in a tentative whisper. Only in the third movement would they both swell to tumble together, now with the confidence and volume I had originally played them with.

Perfect!

"I _love_ it," Alice sighed, closing her eyes and remembering "Diner Day," as she called it. "Play it again?"

I was just getting into the third movement again when Carlisle got home. I stopped playing, and Alice raced me to the kitchen, both of us wanting to tell him about our visitors. He held up his hands, smiling.

"I already know," he told us. "Esme called me at work. When do you think they'll get here, Alice?"

She checked again, waiting for the vision to unfold long enough to get a view of the grandfather clock behind Carmen's head. "In seventeen minutes," she said confidently.

He nodded. "Why don't you go tell Jasper to take off his gown and get cleaned up? I'd like him to be as relaxed as possible when our cousins arrive." When she was gone, he turned to me, his brow creased with worry.

_This meeting is coming sooner than I'd like._

"I know," I said quietly. "But I think it'll be all right. When we saw Eleazar last, I didn't see any evidence in his thoughts that he was longing for Volterra. We can count on him."

_Even so…_

"You said yourself that we aren't going to limit our friendships over this, remember? Besides, I'm looking forward to his impression of Alice. And it'll be nice to see him and Carmen again."

He gave me a knowing glance. "Without Tanya?"

" _Especially_ without Tanya."

.

.

.

Exactly sixteen minutes later, we heard the purring of an engine drawing close to the house. Carlisle and Esme went alone to answer the door, while the rest of us waited in the living room. Jasper was surprisingly calm, though he was sticking to Alice like glue.

"Just don't jump on the visitors, please," he muttered to her under his breath. Emmett boomed out a laugh, remembering how Alice had jumped into his arms that first day.

"Surprise, cousin!" we heard Eleazar call as Carlisle opened the front door. "We were down in New York for business, and we thought we'd…" Then he sniffed at the air curiously. "Oh… you have company?"

"More than that," Carlisle told him proudly. "Our family has recently grown by two." He led them into the living room, Carmen walking by the grandfather clock just as she had in Alice's vision. "Eleazar and Carmen, meet Jasper and Alice."

Our cousins smiled around the room, their gaze resting on our newest siblings. Eleazar saw Jasper first, and his gift flashed with excitement as he recognized an empath. But then his eyes flicked to Alice, and he froze altogether.

"Eleazar, are you all right?" Carmen asked, touching his shoulder.

" _Ay caray_ ," he breathed, his eyes still locked on Alice's. Jasper stiffened slightly, sending out a wave of calm. Eleazar thawed back to life, turning slowly to Carlisle. "You already knew we were coming, didn't you?"

Carlisle nodded, smiling. Eleazar turned back to stare at Alice, sinking into a chair opposite her. He and Carmen listened in silent wonder as Alice and Jasper told their stories again. When they had finished, Eleazar leaned back in his chair, rubbing his chin.

"I'm curious, Alice," he said. "You were somehow given… _access_ … to all the Cullens without ever meeting them. Even those that hadn't been turned yet?" Alice nodded. "But what about my coven? Were you ever able to find us in your visions?"

She shook her head. "I only saw you when you were with the Cullens. Like at Rosalie's and Emmett's wedding. I tried, after that, to find you again, but I never could."

Eleazar cocked his head. "I'll bet you could now."

"What do you mean?"

"Try it. What will Carmen and I be doing next week?"

Alice closed her eyes, searching. The future she found was blurry, but it was there: Eleazar and Carmen, with the familiar Denali range behind them, kneeling over some kind of seal with knives in their hands.

"Oh!" she cried, smiling. "I found you! You're cutting up some kind of dead animal. Ew, why?"

"It's a seal," I told her. "The Denalis sometimes harvest the hides of their prey, to use or sell them."

"I've never been able to find you before," she said curiously. "Why now?"

Eleazar grinned, relishing the chance to stretch his unique gift for the first time in ten years. "Just like Demetri, isn't it?" he asked Carlisle. Carlisle frowned, but nodded. "It works now because you've met us in person," Eleazar told Alice. "You said that you always thought of your visions as having some element of destiny… and I think you're right. You were always destined, somehow, to be with Jasper, and to join Carlisle's coven, which is why you were always able to see them. But for anyone else, I think you'd have to have a more solid connection with them. Now that you've met Carmen and I, I don't think you'll ever have trouble finding us again."

"Okay, but how did _you_ know that?" Alice asked.

Now Eleazar looked surprised. "You didn't know I was gifted, too?" he asked Alice and Jasper. They both shook their heads.

"I would only know if someone was talking about it, when I happened to be looking in," Alice said. "I've always had only bits and pieces. Sometimes visions came unbidden, but most of the time I could only see who I chose to focus on. So your gift is… what, exactly?" She peeked ahead in excitement, and I sighed as the echoes began.

"Discernment of gifts," Eleazar replied. "When I look at a person, I can just… I don't know, I can just _tell_. And I usually have an instinctual understanding of how that person's gift operates- how the person uses their gift, what their limitations might be, what potential their gift might have for expansion, that sort of thing."

Alice laughed. "I guess that explains your reaction when you looked at me."

Eleazar nodded. "But Jasper, _your_ gift is fascinating as well. You're a bit different from the other empaths I've met in the past."

"Other empaths?" Jasper asked, leaning forward with interest.

"Well…" A series of faces flickered through Eleazar's mind. "I've met three vampires who were just sensory empaths- I'm sure that's the more typical manifestation. Then there's Corin- she's a member of the Volturi Guard. She has an offensive talent, but it's passive, unlike yours, Jasper, and limited to only one emotion. She emits contentment constantly- she actually can't help it."

"Now that's a good trick," Emmett muttered. "Why don't you just do that all the time, Jasper?"

"It's not as good as it sounds," Eleazar said darkly. "Corin's gift is actually addictive in nature. Those who have been often exposed to her presence have trouble experiencing contentment apart from her. It's rather troublesome. Anyway, we used to have another empath in the Guard, and he was a bit more complicated- but he died in battle long ago."

I watch Eleazar's mind carefully as he recalled his time in Italy. Thankfully, I saw nothing worrisome; it seemed our cousin was definitely back to his old self. And Carmen seemed happier, as well- no doubt life with her mate was easier when he wasn't pining for his old life, his loyalties artificially stirred up by some supernatural influence. I hoped he would be left in peace from now on, for our sake as well as his own. When Carlisle caught my eye, I nodded with a small smile, reassuring him.

"Enough about us, cousin," he said to Eleazar. "What brings you to the East Coast?"

"Oh, I decided it was time to die," Eleazar shrugged. "It's something we do every forty years or so. I'm the only current taxpayer in the coven for this particular generation- someone has to be on the grid, in order to make it work. You know, to be the homeowner, the one who runs into the park rangers, the one to write the checks, that sort of thing. Anyway, I came to present myself as the sole heir of my own assets."

"His great uncle's assets, according to the will," Carmen added.

"That's an interesting idea," Esme said. "That's quite different from the way we do things. We just create new identities every time we move, for everyone."

"Not completely," I pointed out. "Carlisle always holds the deeds to several of our old properties. And I'm still alive, according to the lawyers in Chicago."

"That's true," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "I've sold all the properties to myself a few times, just to keep things looking right. Though Eleazar raises a good point, about inheritance. Edward Masen can't live forever; we'll have to arrange something, when the time comes."

"'Arrange something'?" I echoed, raising an eyebrow. Emmett chuckled to himself, imagining ways we could fabricate my untimely demise. Jasper shook his head, unable to believe the nonsense we all went through in order to maintain our human charade.

"I can give you some tips, on that count," Eleazar said absently. "Anyway, I just spent the week tying up some loose ends that my great-uncle left when he died. I decided to do it all this year because the stock market has been so good lately. My portfolio was in sad need of updating, and the estate changing hands gave me a good reason to meet with the broker."

"I've always steered clear of stocks, ever since the thirties," Carlisle said, shaking his head. "How anyone can navigate those murky waters is beyond me."

Eleazar laughed. "We don't all have three centuries' worth of collecting real estate and original art, Carlisle! When all you have is liquid assets, and hardly any steady income, you have to take a few risks here and there."

Carlisle shook his head, looking slightly offended. "Eleazar, I've _told_ you all that if you need some money, all you need to do is ask."

Eleazar waved his hand dismissively. "I don't mean that we're struggling financially... though of course we took a major hit during the Great Depression, like everyone else. Besides, most of our spending money actually comes from cashing in the jewelry."

"Jewelry?" Jasper asked.

Carmen sighed, sounding just as motherly as Esme for a moment. "From the sisters'… conquests. You wouldn't believe the stash they've accumulated. Whenever we need some cash, all we have to do is pawn off a few necklaces."

"It's not like you _have_ to do any of it," Emmett said. "Just take Edward to Vegas for a few days. A few games of poker and you'll be a millionaire in no time."

"You know, Em…" I said slowly, "you might be on to something there."

"I am?"

I nodded. "But not in Las Vegas… on Wall Street. And Alice, not me. Eleazar, you said the market is in an upswing?"

Our cousin nodded slowly. "It could work… yes, I think it could work."

"What could work?" Carmen asked.

"Alice, navigating the stock market," I said. "With her gift, how could she go wrong?"

"I don't know anything about money," Alice protested. "And besides, the economy isn't a _person_ , whose future I can watch. How would we go about it?"

"Use the people that you already have," Eleazar said. "All you need is for yourself, or Carlisle, or anyone to commit to reading the Wall Street Journal at the same time every morning- and you can just center your visions around that person, on that time of the following day, or two days ahead. You could do the same for any kind of investment report."

"I wouldn't even know what I was looking at," Alice said with a frown. "It's just a bunch of numbers, isn't it?" _Boring!_

"It's just another language," I pointed out. "Two weeks ago, you would have looked at a Gaelic text and it would have looked like bunch of gibberish—"

"—but now it makes sense, since I've learned the language," Alice finished, a smile growing on her face. "Carlisle, can we try it?"

"I don't know," Carlisle said uncomfortably. "It seems dishonest, in a way."

"No, it's not," Eleazar said. "She'll just be going with her instincts, like any other investor. I don't see anything wrong with the fact that her instincts happen to be right all the time. And besides, Carlisle, _you're_ not one to talk. You commit felonies all the time! What's wrong with a little supernatural speculation?"

"I only lie when necessary," Carlisle protested. "And I continue in my profession in order to help people, not for extravagant financial gain. We have more than enough money already. I don't think—"

"Carlisle," Esme said quietly, laying her hand on his arm. "I think we should let Alice try. And if it works… well, just imagine the things we could do to help people _then_."

"Just think how many airplanes we could buy," Emmett mumbled, his eyes growing wider. Rosalie stepped on his foot, but her own mind was glittering with possibilities, all equally as useless. Carlisle and Esme had their heads bent together, whispering about trust funds and orphanages and clinics in Africa. When Carlisle looked back up at us, his own eyes were shining with excitement.

"So, can I try it?" Alice asked, already smiling in triumph.

"You may," Carlisle said with conviction. "You most certainly may."

* * *

**I feel kind of bad, since so many of you were hoping the visitors were Peter and Charlotte. Unfortunately, I don't plan on having them in this particular story. But how about if I promise a one-shot in which they meet the Cullens, set later on? (Update: the one-shot "Mysterious Island" shows Peter and Charlotte meeting the Cullens! It's Chapter 30 in Tale of Years: Prequel One-Shots and Outtakes.)**


	24. How to Surprise Alice Cullen

**Just a heads up, faithful readers—I'd like to take a semi-vacation from writing fanfic as the holidays get on. I'll still respond to reviews and I'll still update, but it will be a bit slower for a while.**

**Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I'm very thankful for all of you :)**

* * *

Our cousins agreed to extend their visit for a few days. Esme wanted Carmen's help in designing the new bathroom—they were cooking up some kind of Victorian theme—and Eleazar was looking forward to helping Alice navigate the intricacies of her gift in preparation for her attempt at conquering Wall Street. But it was obvious that he was also glad to stay and spend some more time with his male cousins. I couldn't even imagine what it was like, living with just four women. I wondered if he was allowed to pick out _his_ own clothes.

The ladies were officially uninvited, then, to our next training session in the Baseball Field. Alice was happy to stay at home, flitting between my old economics textbook and the bathroom plans. Rosalie put up more of a protest, but Emmett placated her with the promise of an evening out in any city of her choosing, just as soon as our visitors left. Carlisle had to work, but promised to try and rearrange his schedule so that he could come the next evening.

We decided to kick off our no-girls-allowed night with a hunt. Eleazar was thirsty after spending an unusual amount of time among humans this week, and he was eager to see the Jaguar in action. I was happy to oblige, and we were soon roaring down Route 5 toward the Green Mountains, the wind whipping through our hair. Unfortunately, there were still too many cars around for me to _really_ let loose.

Emmett was bristling with energy; he had never hunted in the Green Mountains before. He was trying to get Jasper excited, as well, but it wasn't working. Jasper still found animal blood just as disgusting as ever, and he still saw hunting as a daily chore. I was beginning to feel the same way myself; there was no point in getting excited about the hunt anymore, now that I never had any fun with my prey or allowed myself to fully enjoy the experience of feeding, itself. But that was a small price to pay. For Jasper's sake, I joined Emmett in talking up the selection of animals awaiting us.

Our brother wasn't even paying attention. He and Eleazar were deep in conversation in the back seat, sharing their histories. Jasper had already overcome his initial apprehension about meeting a former Volturi Guard; he and his new cousin were quickly developing a deep respect for one another based on their shared history in the "real" vampire world, despite the stark contrast between their experiences. I could easily imagine two retired soldiers in my back seat, swapping war stories and jawing about the good old days. We were all surprised to learn that Eleazar had never actually been in a true combat situation.

"Not even once?" I asked over my shoulder.

"Never. You have to remember how relatively young I am, Edward. The addition of Jane and her brother Alec back in the eighth century made traditional combat almost unnecessary, at least in situations where the Guard are fully assembled. I do have a few scars like yours," he added, turning to Jasper, "but they're mostly from training." Jasper nodded in grim understanding.

Emmett raised his eyebrows. "Mostly?"

Eleazar smiled wryly, remembering a fight or two. "Life in the Guard wasn't always peaceful and glamorous. I'm sure Jasper could tell you how high tempers can run when several of our kind are assembled... especially when everyone is consuming human blood, versus animal."

"I'm just beginning to appreciate the difference," Jasper admitted. "I had a hard time believing Alice's visions, regarding how peaceful the Cullens were. I was glad to be proven wrong. But who are Jane and Alec?"

I shivered, remembering. "Jane was one of the guards who came to make the offer, back in '26. With a single glance, she can inflict unimaginable pain on anyone she chooses. It feels like you're on fire, though it's all in your mind."

"You mean the Fire Witch is real?" Jasper asked in awe. _I always thought that was another of Maria's lies._

Eleazar laughed, recalling Jane's petulant face. "Now that's one I've never heard before! Yes, her gift is quite real. And her brother's gift is even more deadly, though much more pleasant to endure. Instead of pain, he commands numbness; you lose all forms of sensation. So you can see why I've never needed to fight, myself."

"Would his gift deaden supernatural senses, as well?" Jasper asked. "If Edward, for example, were to come under his attack, would he still be able to read minds?"

Eleazar thought for a moment. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "That's one scenario I never tested extensively. I never lost my ability when I was under his influence, and we tried it with at least two others without any losses, but I can't speak for all gifts."

"What do you mean, test?" Emmett asked.

"That was part of my role in the Guard," Eleazar answered. "It's just like I was telling Alice earlier: not only can I discern how a vampire is gifted, but I can usually help that vampire maximize the use of their gift... perhaps _refine_ is a better word. Here's an example: before I came along, Alec had some difficulty controlling the focus of his gift. He could easily affect two or three people who were standing together, but any more than that and he would simply knock out everyone in sight. You can imagine the difficulties when he used his gift out on the field. But after I worked with him for a few years, he learned greater control. Now he's able to affect a large crowd, while leaving his own comrades unaffected- even when they move forward and mingle with his targets."

"And he helped me with my gift, as well," I put in. "When I was new, I had a really hard time keeping my mind-reading under control. If I was anywhere near people—within a mile, let's say—I was constantly bombarded with everyone's thoughts. I wasn't very good at relegating the noise to the back of my mind, and I had trouble focusing on a certain person's thoughts above the others."

Jasper grimaced. "That must have been awful."

"It was. Carlisle helped me as much as he could, but it was Eleazar who really helped me learn to control the 'muscle' of my gift, especially in terms of range. And then he helped me again ten years ago."

"Edward always thought of himself as a mind-reader, when that wasn't quite accurate," Eleazar interrupted excitedly. "He's a telepath. He was doing the blood challenges with Carlisle, and—"

" _Edward_ had to do the blood challenges?" Jasper asked. His eyes flicked up to mine in the mirror.

"Not really," Eleazar replied. "His self-control was already stronger than everyone's, save Carlisle. No, he wanted an extra measure of control so he could study medicine. Anyway, he was having trouble because he wasn't realizing how much input he was receiving from Carlisle's mind. Once we figured that out, and took Carlisle out of the equation, it was smooth sailing from there. How _is_ medical school coming along, Edward?"

My grip tightened on the steering wheel, and I let out a sigh. "It's not."

Emmett turned around in his seat, grinning mischievously. "Edward thought it might be a good idea to go into an O.R. and observe heart surgery. Didn't go so well." I rolled my eyes, gripping the wheel harder. Did he _always_ have to embarrass me in front of our relatives?

Eleazar frowned behind me. "I imagine not. Well, I'm sorry about that, Edward. We all have accidents, you know. But didn't you have to move? This must have happened a while ago, judging by your eye color now."

"I didn't feed," I interrupted sharply. "He's still alive. But I made something of a scene getting out of there at the last second. Needless to say, Dartmouth didn't think too highly of my behavior."

"You didn't _feed_?" Eleazar repeated incredulously, leaning forward. " _How?_ "

I shrugged. "It was close… too close. But I got out in time." Eleazar shook his head, amazed. My shoulders relaxed, and my fingers loosened their death grip on the steering wheel. "Cut it out, Jasper," I snapped.

Jasper growled slightly, easing up on his influence. _It's not necessary for you to feel guilty EVERY time someone brings up medical school._ _Especially in such close quarters._

"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't think about that. Go ahead, then."

Eleazar glanced back and forth between the two of us, grinning like a boy in a candy store as the interaction of our gifts, as well as his own, lit up the air between us like a fireworks display inside his mind. Loyalty aside, it seemed that he had truly missed being around gifted vampires. There was Kate, of course, but her gift was rarely active.

We soon arrived at our destination. Now it was Jasper's turn to be embarrassed as he explained to Eleazar why he never hunted alone. We all agreed to meet back at the car in an hour. Jasper went off to the south with Emmett, and Eleazar and I split up to go our separate ways.

I ran quickly through the woods, hoping to find some decent game. Not that I would let myself wrestle with my prey, but I hoped to go longer without hunting than I had the last couple of weeks. I finally scented a mountain lion, but I hesitated, unsure of myself. Would I be able to resist the frenzy, with such a feast? My throat burned in answer, and I moved on, leaving the great cat in peace. I didn't feel ready for that level of challenge.

I settled, instead, for a black bear. I sighed as I killed it, and then I waited the usual minute before feeding. My throat was throbbing by the time I finally began to drink. This was harder than usual today. I drank quickly, forcing my eyes to stay open even as the monster let out an angry snarl. But the snarl was audible this time, shaking me to the core. I dropped the carcass and backed away. I was breathing hard, my fists tight at my side as I swallowed the last of the blood. I had almost lost control this time, and I hadn't gotten enough, not by a long shot. I picked up the bear again, grimacing down at the dirt coating the wound at its throat.

_It doesn't matter!_ _Feed!_

"Nobody asked you," I muttered. I didn't even need to hide the bear this time, since I hadn't taken even half. I tore at its throat, disguising the bite mark, and left it. I could still smell the mountain lion off to the west, but now I _knew_ I wouldn't be able to handle it. The monster was being difficult today. Deer blood was all he deserved. I caught a pair of them and drank quickly, smiling in grim satisfaction as I triumphed over the beast within me. I made it back the car just as Eleazar did. He looked unusually unkempt, sporting several grass stains, a tear down the length of his sleeve, and a huge bloodstain at his shoulder.

"Don't tell me you found a polar bear all the way out here," I joked.

He licked his lips. "Mmm, no. Mountain lion—a rare delicacy for us Alaskans."

I was surprised by the sudden twist in my stomach and the anger that shot through me. _That mountain lion should have been mine!_ But I smiled pleasantly, swallowing the childish protest. I had refused that particular meal for a reason, after all. Why should I begrudge my cousin the prey that I had passed over? My throat was already aching again, though, as I thought of the missed opportunity. I got into the car, stealing a glance in the mirror. If my eyes had been pure gold a moment ago, they weren't now. So much for stretching it out longer.

"Did you even feed?" Eleazar asked. My eyes snapped back to his face in alarm, but he had been speaking to Jasper, who was just coming out of the woods with Emmett.

"I fed," Jasper said glumly. "This is as light as my eyes get."

"It'll get better," Eleazar promised. "It took me nearly five years to get to golden."

Jasper frowned at the prospect, but felt Eleazar's effort. "Thanks."

"Let's go," I called to everyone, starting the engine. "I don't know about you, Emmett, but I'm ready to see Jasper and Eleazar go against each other."

"Fifty bucks on Jasper," he ventured.

I shook my head, pulling back out onto the road. "Sorry, no bet. I'm rooting for Jasper, too. No offense, cousin."

"None taken," Eleazar said. "I'm looking forward to learning some new tricks."

"Speaking of new tricks, you should see Rosalie in action," Emmett said proudly. "She's really something."

Eleazar waited for the punchline, but there wasn't one. "You're kidding," he said finally.

"No, she's doing very well," Jasper said. "She's a fierce one. I'm running out of things to teach her, actually."

"And is she going to return the favor? Teach you about automobiles?"

Jasper wrinkled his nose. "I hope not. I don't see what's so great about riding around in a loud, smelly metal contraption."

I turned around, raising an eyebrow. " _I'll_ show you what's so great about it," I threatened. A quick check with my gift told me that we had at least three miles of empty highway in front of us. I turned off the headlights, shifted down, and hit the gas for all it was worth.

.

.

.

Jasper was indeed the better fighter, though Eleazar had a few tricks up his sleeve he had never showed me before. After Jasper had won seven matches, and Eleazar three, Emmett and I were getting bored.

"Come on, Edward," Emmett demanded. _Play nice…_

"Don't worry," I said smoothly, backing away from him a few steps. "Getting revenge during a fight is your style, not mine. You'll know it when you see it."

Emmett muttered an oath and charged. I leapt over his back as he passed, dropping down to land a kick onto his backside. But I hadn't accounted for how close we were to Jasper and Eleazar; Jasper thought Emmett was joining _their_ fight. "Multiple attackers?" he asked with a grin, dodging Emmett's flight.

Eleazar thought it was a great idea. "Everyone on Jasper!" he shouted, and the three of us closed in on him. Jasper launched himself into the air between us, twisting into a tight spin and kicking out like a propeller as he landed. Eleazar and I were thrown back, and Emmett was left to try and grab Jasper from behind. He did get a death grip on Jasper's left arm, but Jasper somehow managed to get his other elbow in Emmett's face with such force that he knocked a tooth out. We all paused while Emmett crawled around in the grass, cussing up a storm and looking for the tooth. Jasper apologized, but he assured Emmett that the tooth would reattach just as easily as a hand.

"I couldn't have planned that better myself," I said smugly. "And no, that doesn't count, Emmett." Emmett growled under his breath, finally finding the tooth and reattaching it. As soon as he was healed, the fight resumed. Eleazar began sending me mental instructions, and the two of us swept out to the sides, closing back in as soon as Emmett had engaged Jasper again. In a few seconds we had Jasper's face on the ground, our teeth at each of his shoulders.

"Nice," Jasper said, spitting out a clod of dirt and grass as he stood up.

"Now that was more to my style," Eleazar said with a grin.

"I'm just glad we didn't meet under more… professional circumstances," Jasper said respectfully.

"Yeah, I guess you were sort of an outlaw," Emmett said thoughtfully. "Still are, in a way. Ha! Don't turn him in, Eleazar!"

An awkward silence descended, but Eleazar soon broke it with a smile. "Those days are long past, Emmett. And even if they weren't, I would never betray family."

"Of course not," I said lightly, sending Emmett a glare. "All right, Jasper, you and me."

We started circling each other. Jasper was getting better—somewhatat— fighting on instinct with me, though he still thought far too much. I generally had the upper hand, though that was mainly because he was always careful to restrain himself from true violence. But he was lightning fast, almost as fast as me, and he still had plenty of moves I had never seen. I feinted toward him a couple of times, and then he exploded into me. We struggled for a moment, then drew apart again. This time I attacked, and I got a good grip on his left wrist. I wrenched his arm up to my face and touched my teeth to his skin, snarling in triumph.

Jasper grudgingly tucked his left hand behind his back, and we started circling again. "Jasper! Why aren't you using your gift?" Eleazar asked.

"I don't use it in training," Jasper answered, dropping back to avoid my slashing hand. _They don't need to feel that._

"But Edward's using his," Emmett pointed out. "It's only fair."

"That's true," I admitted. "Go for it, Jasper."

Jasper eyed me warily. _If you say so…_ He crouched down again, coiling his muscles for his next attack. But this time I felt the difference: a shock of fear burned through me, building quickly. And it wasn't like the irrational panic he had pushed on me during the baseball game, either. This was all-out _terror._ Jasper bared his teeth, and they somehow seemed sharper, his growl more sinister. I gritted my teeth, leaning forward and deciding that I would attack first, but my muscles were refusing to listen. Jasper finally snarled and flew at me, but he was too fast, too frightening this time. I gasped aloud and scrambled away from him. When I felt his hands close around my leg, I spun around and kicked desperately at his face, his hands, _anything_ to get away from him. He touched his teeth to my ankle, and then jerked me closer for the "kill." I threw my arms up in front of my face, terrified. I couldn't even hear his thoughts anymore. I felt his breath at my neck, and I just laid there, paralyzed, while he finished me off.

"Wow," Emmett said.

Jasper pulled away and quieted his gift. I slowly lowered my arms and creaked my eyes open to find him standing several feet away, looking apologetic.

_Sorry, but you said it was all right._

"That was… awful," I said shakily. "No wonder you lasted as long as you did in the Wars."

He shrugged. "Came in handy, that's for sure. And I didn't always use fear, either; for someone Emmett's size, I might direct all my energy at _removing_ their emotions; an apathetic soldier is a slower soldier. For someone smaller and weaker, I might even use anger—they'd make their mistakes quicker, and I could move on to the next opponent more efficiently. Though to be honest, my gift is actually _less_ effective in a real battle. Much less. Everyone is so worked up with rage and excitement and fear already that my gift gets somewhat lost in the mix."

"Well, that's because your gift is a physical one," Eleazar said thoughtfully.

"Physical? What do you mean?" Jasper asked.

"I mean the mechanics of your influence are physical in nature. I don't know much about medicine, and I don't think _anyone_ knows much about vampire neuroanatomy. But it's clear to me that you manipulate emotions through physical means: by controlling the physiology of emotional states."

"Interesting," I said, looking curiously at my new brother. "I would have thought that his gift was psychic, like yours and mine."

"I think most empaths are," Eleazar replied, mentally flipping through the same faces he had when he and Carmen had first arrived. "Corin certainly is. But not you, Jasper. That's why it always takes you a moment to get a fresh emotion going, versus magnifying an existing mental state. It's also the reason why your gift is less effective under stressful circumstances, like during a battle. If you were just altering feelings, via the mind itself, or rather the 'heart' itself, you would have more absolute and instantaneous control over your targets. And I think your influence would last longer, were it psychic in nature. It also explains why you literally _experience_ the emotions around you, versus just observing them; your body is actually changing to match the chemical makeup of the people you're near. That is especially different from the other sensory empaths I've met in the past."

"I've never really thought about any of this much before," Jasper admitted. "But you're right, it does explain a few things. I appreciate your insight."

Eleazar grinned. "My pleasure. It always delights me to do these sorts of analyses. In a way, your situation is the opposite of Kate's, when Carmen and I first met the sisters."

"Kate is the one who gives electric shocks, right?"

"That's what she always thought, until I got a good look at her gift and ran some experiments. It turned out that there was actually no electric current emanating from her skin at all. It was all an illusion. Quite like Jane's gift, in fact, though less powerful."

Jasper shook his head. "I'm amazed at the power of _your_ gift, Eleazar. I'm surprised the Volturi let you go at all."

"I think _my_ gift is the most powerful," Emmett grunted, brandishing his fist and feinting toward me. I flinched away, which only made him laugh harder. _I think we need to take Mr. Know-It-All down a notch, don't you, Eddie?_

I nodded, catching Jasper's eye. He felt our devious anticipation aiming toward Eleazar, and all three of us attacked at once.

.

.

.

When we arrived back at the house, Carlisle was already home from work. Jasper reluctantly donned a fresh gown for the day. Eleazar did an admirable job of keeping a straight face, but he couldn't very well hide his amusement from Jasper. Our cousin spent most of the day catching up with Carlisle, and the rest of us were off in our various pursuits. I spent most of the day perfecting the song for Alice and Jasper, and then going through my dusty stash of textbooks and Carlisle's library, seeing if I could find anything else that might help Alice prepare for her Wall Street Journal subscription, which was due to begin delivery in a few days. Alice, in turn, had thoroughly impressed our cousins by predicting a nasty thunderstorm due tonight. This worked out perfectly for baseball, what with Carlisle off of work, and we would even have two extra players this time.

Carlisle decided to take Jasper out for his daily hunt a bit early so that we would have plenty of time for the game later on. After they had left, Eleazar sat down to lecture Alice concerning everything he knew about the Stock Market, and the ways he thought her gift might be best used.

An hour later, I was in my room catching up on some reading. Both Hemingway and Isaac Asimov had published books this year, and I was finally getting into the exciting part of _I, Robot_. I didn't normally care for science fiction, but Asimov had a sympathetic way of getting to the heart of each of his characters, irrespective of their species—or construction, for that matter. It was comforting, in a way. Forgiving. I was just turning the page when I heard my own name burst over my mind in Carlisle's mental voice.

_Edward!_ _Listen, don't let the others know that we're this close to home._ _Do you remember a few weeks ago, when I said I was coming up with a surprise for Alice, and I would need you and the others to distract her?_ _I just decided that this is it, right now._ _I need her to be focused on anything except Jasper and me. Give her as many stimuli as you can. And keep her away from her own future, if at all possible._ _This all may come to nothing, but I'd like to try it... hopefully, I won't need more than a few minutes._ _I've told the others to do the same thing, when you give them the cue._ _All you have to say is, "Esme, have you seen my shoe polish?"_ _I'll be as quick as I can._

My hand was still frozen on the page. I stretched out, listening harder, but Carlisle had now turned to Jasper where they sat together on a fallen tree trunk. When I saw what he intended to talk to him about, I headed downstairs, smiling to myself. Eleazar and Alice were perched on the couch together, poring over old copies of the Wall Street Journal that Carlisle had picked up at the library this morning. Esme and Carmen were standing in the half-finished bathroom, comparing fabric swatches for the curtains. I could hear Rosalie banging around inside the van's engine, muttering to herself about the unnatural sinfulness of German engineering. Emmett was laying on top of the van itself, concocting a complicated plan that involved getting Rosalie up on top of the van with him, but with considerably less clothing on. I shuddered made a quick show of rummaging through the hall closet. "Esme, have you seen my shoe polish?" I called over my shoulder.

It worked instantly. Everyone froze where they were. Even Carmen's mind perked up at the signal. How did _she_ know about this?

"I think I put it down by the washing machine," Esme called back. "Carmen, what do you think about using suede for the curtains? Maybe a deep purple…"

"Oh, yes!" Carmen said brightly, and a little too loudly. "And I think the trim around the tub should be in apricot, you know, to complement it."

Alice dropped her newspaper in horror and dashed toward the bathroom to protest. But she was distracted by a huge crash coming from the garage. She automatically swept her focus onto Rosalie's immediate future, watching in confusion as Emmett pounded the van's driver's side door with a wrench.

"I _hate_ this van!" Rosalie shouted, giving the passenger side door a kick. Alice's eyes grew wide, unable to believe what she was seeing.

"Alice, please pay attention," Eleazar said, pulling her back toward the couch and the stack of newspapers. "Now as I was saying, if you saw a serious dip in stock performance coming, like the one back in 1932, you could purchase—"

"Alice," I interrupted. "I've been thinking, about what you said about my wardrobe. I really need something business casual, if I'm going to come with you to meet with the broker next week. Maybe we could go shopping together, and I promise to let you get me anything you like."

"Really?" Alice squealed, a huge smile spreading across her face. _Oh, Edward!_ _I just know that—_

"But _apricot_?" Esme groaned. "I was thinking more of a salmon, or maybe coral."

Alice's head spun around again. "Esme, wait a minute!" she said frantically.

"Aw, Rose!" Emmett shouted. "Not the Lincoln, too!"

"Most _CERTAINLY_ not the Lincoln!" I snarled back. Rosalie wisely took her hands off my baby, giving Emmett's line of sight a wink for my benefit. Very funny.

"Alice!" Eleazar said sharply. "I'm trying to explain something, and it's quite complicated."

Alice's head whipped back and forth, her visions and her attention trapped between the scene playing out in the garage, the fashion atrocities being committed in the new bathroom, Eleazar's furiously-paced lesson, and trying to imagine whether I would look better in a tan jacket or a cream jacket. We had kept this up for about two minutes when suddenly I heard Jasper's mind growing quickly closer; the moment was almost here.

"Alice!" I said urgently, interrupting Eleazar yet again. "Do something! Esme's thinking about putting shag carpeting in the bathroom now!"

Alice hopped up, yelling for Esme to hold her horses. Eleazar pulled her back down again, talking louder and louder about the crash in 1932, and why it was worse than the one in 1929, and how short selling worked, and what the mathematical trend of the Dow Jones Average had to do with the production of munitions.

The problem was that the side of the house Jasper was sprinting towards had no doors, and he was determined to get to Alice before her visions had a chance to spoil it. I thought about opening a window for him, but that might draw Alice's attention toward a vision that would ruin the surprise. Two seconds later, Jasper barrelled right through the window at the far end of the living room, sending a spray of broken glass all over my piano. But our distractions had worked: Alice screamed and jumped straight up in the air in her surprise. Jasper flashed across the room to her, falling to his knees and skidding the last five feet. He grabbed her hands, drenched her in an enormous burst of love, and blurted out his question before she had a chance to peek ahead.

"Marry me?!"


	25. Veil and Vows at Vampire Speed!

The others rushed to join us in the living room, smiling at Alice's obvious shock. Carlisle was just climbing in through the broken window, and Carmen had her hand on her mouth, trying desperately not to weep out loud. Alice finally blinked, gasping for air and visions.

"I never… how can… but I… _yes!_ "

We all cheered, and Carmen finally broke down, burying her face in Eleazar's chest. A diamond ring magically appeared in Jasper's hand, and Alice's eyes widened impossibly further as he slipped it onto her finger. He stood up, taking her face in his hands and staring at her as a look of wonder slowly spread over his face. Alice was already far away, bouncing violently between visions of white satin, flower arbors, impossibly tall heels, shopping for rings…

"Oh Jasper," she squeaked. "We have so much to do! First, we'll need to get our… and alterations… I think Rosalie would look best in… and we'll need to bring down the rest of the Denalis… Oh! Eleazar, do you think if I try really, really hard I could figure out where Peter and Charlotte are?"

But Jasper suddenly had one last inspiration. He gently turned Alice's face so that she was looking at him again. "No," he said softly. "I don't want to wait another day, or another night. I don't want to wait another second. Marry me right _now_."

Alice gasped again as all her visions melted away, to be replaced by Jasper's hopeful face. A gentle smile bloomed, lighting up all of her features.

"Now just a minute!" Rosalie said, stepping forward.

"Shh," Alice breathed, still staring up at Jasper. Rosalie turned to Esme, tugging on her sleeve.

"He's manipulating her," she hissed. "She wouldn't want to miss—"

"No, he isn't," I interrupted quietly. "I can tell. Let her be."

We all waited, unbreathing, while Alice slowly inched closer to Jasper, deeper inside his embrace, until she was looking straight up at him. "Right now," she agreed in a whisper. He broke into a huge grin and gripped her face harder, his excitement and love flooding the room. He bent down to kiss her, but she wrenched out his grasp and darted away. "Not yet!" she laughed, hiding behind Esme and Rosalie.

Carlisle turned to his wife, looking rather confused. "Shall I… get the prayer book, then?"

Esme lifted her chin, ready to take charge. "Yes, and we're all going to change immediately. Jasper, go outside now, and don't you even _think_ of looking at Alice again until it's time! Carmen, you and I..."

Rosalie was sent outside to gather flowers and Emmett was instructed to rearrange the furniture in such and such a way. The wedding preparations took exactly seven minutes, and that was only because Eleazar had to try on three of Carlisle's suits before finding one that fit well enough, and then he had to call the rest of the family up in Alaska. We didn't even know that they had gotten a phone, but it was a good thing they had. He explained the whole thing at vampire speed while Carmen did his tie and his cufflinks. After a good deal of squealing and questions from the sisters, he laid the telephone down on its side atop the buffet so they would be able to hear the ceremony.

I donned my tux in record time, and then dashed the contents of my human mother's jewelry box all over my couch. There was really no reason to hurry, but we were all feeling Jasper's urgency more with every minute. I fished through the contents at breakneck speed until I found two rings that looked approximately like wedding rings. I dashed back down to the living room as I tucked them into my vest pocket, and crash-landed onto the piano bench. Eleazar had just laid the phone down, and Carmen and Esme were just tying the last bunch of roses onto the corners of the buffet-turned-altar.

 _Edward!_ Alice yelled to me mentally. _Ask Carlisle if we can do the candle thing! You know, like at Rosalie and Emmett's wedding?_

Carlisle was just rushing down the stairs then, adjusting his tie with his right hand and carrying a clean white sheet, his Bible, and his grandfather's Book of Common Prayer with the left. When I relayed Alice's request, he spun right around and headed back up into his and Esme's room, reappearing two seconds later with three tapers and a book of matches in his right hand. Esme clucked her tongue, hurrying to untie the roses again so that he could spread the sheet over the buffet. As soon as he turned back around, I tossed him the rings, which he caught in midair.

Emmett had already filled the living room with furniture, lining everything up in two neat rows. There were couches, easy chairs, a couple of tables, bureaus, and even Esme's old easel. They were all turned back to back, and all set exactly four feet apart in order to create the aisle. The aisle began right at the patio door, ran the length of the living room, and ended a couple of feet to the right of the piano, beside which Emmett had positioned all the dining room chairs. For the aisle itself, Esme had unfurled a roll of white wallpaper that she had been planning to use in the new bathroom.

Eleazar darted back outside, reappearing a moment later with Jasper, who had somehow gotten dressed in the new blue suit Esme had gotten him last week; it hadn't even been altered yet. He was being led with his eyes closed because Alice was just jumping out of the bathroom window, fluttering down to earth in the white knee-length dress she had worn on the night Jasper had tried the blood challenge. As soon as she landed, Rosalie attacked her hair with the same ferocity she had shown in Jasper's combat training. Carmen ripped the top layer right off of the skirt of Alice's dress, which was sheer and transparent: instant veil. She called for Esme, who ran out to give her scissors, needle and thread, and then ran right back in to finish the flowers.

I started to play the "Jasper Alone" movement of my recent composition while this was all going on. Carlisle was explaining the order of the ceremony at the same time as he kicked away the bigger glass shards that were still laying on the carpet beside the piano. The piano itself was still covered with a hundred tiny crystals of broken windowpane. But I decided to leave them; they were vibrating as I played, giving the music a strange, glittering resonance. And besides, the sun was just setting, its rays shooting all sort of colors through the broken glass. This was sending a rainbow of sparkles across the walls and ceiling, even more brilliant than the duller sparkles caused by our skin.

"Esme," I said, nodding toward the broken glass pieces, which were now rattling slightly as the song rose in volume. "Flowers?" She flashed me an approving smile and plucked a pinch of rose petals off the nearest bouquet, scattering them atop the piano amidst the broken glass.

"Ready?" Carlisle asked, tossing one final chunk of glass out the now-paneless window.

"Ready," Jasper said. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and turned to Esme for a final inspection. She tugged at the bottom of his suit jacket, and fussed over his collar. She hadn't had a reason to get him a tuxedo yet, and she was regretting it now, but it couldn't be helped. She backed away, tilting her head as she tried to think of some way to spruce him up. Finally she made her choice. She quickly tore a thin strip of leather off of my couch, which Emmett had stood on one of its ends to mark the last part of the aisle, opposite Carlisle's bureau. She slipped behind Jasper and pulled his hair back, tying it into a ponytail with the leather strip. I didn't think he looked any different, but judging by Esme's motherly smile, I supposed the change was a good one.

" _Now_ we're ready," she announced. She lit the two side candles and then disappeared with Carlisle down the narrow aisle. Emmett came back inside at the same moment, knocking over the living room couch in his effort to slip past them. I shook my head and smiled down at the keys, mentally checking to see if the ladies were ready. They were.

I quieted the song now, still in the middle of Jasper's theme. A few improvised chords made a seamless transition into Alice's theme, and Jasper turned toward me, noticing the change. He drew another deep breath, his eyes flickering down the empty aisle. He was standing alone by the altar now. "Em," I hissed, nodding over toward Jasper. Emmett jumped up went to stand behind our brother, who gave him a grateful nod.

Eleazar turned in his seat to wait for Carmen and the others to come down the aisle. _It seems like just yesterday we did this for Emmett and Rosalie. Why do I always end up sitting by myself at these things?_

He didn't have to wait long. Carmen floated down the aisle first, taking her seat beside him after laying her flowers on the altar. Esme was next. Rosalie was the last one, and she stayed up at the front, opposite Emmett. Their eyes locked as they remembered their own wedding days, both the one with our family and the one in Vegas. Emmett quirked a sly grin and mouthed _Marry me again?_

Rosalie gasped in surprise and promptly dropped her bouquet, spilling the roses all over the carpet. But there was no time to clean them up; Carlisle and Alice were just stepping up onto the patio. I improvised another chord progression, transitioning into the third movement of the piece. The music swelled, making the glass shards rattle in applause, and our little audience stood for the bride. Alice finally saw Jasper—she had done her best to avoid seeing him, too—and she froze, one foot back on the patio and one in the house. Apparently, Jasper with his hair tied back was a sight she had never seen before, and more than she could take. If she was human, I think she would have fainted right there. Jasper wasn't in much better shape, himself: the dress was nothing new, but the sight of Alice being brought to him wearing a veil was doing something strange to his gift. The whole room began to buzz with anticipation and an odd feeling of… reverence, I thought it was.

Carlisle bent down to whisper some encouragement in Alice's ear, but she wouldn't budge. He chuckled and picked her up by the shoulders and lifted her over the threshold into the living room. She finally came back to life and gulped in a huge breath, hanging onto Carlisle's arm for dear life as she began her walk down the aisle.

While we had all been watching her in amusement, Rosalie had discreetly kicked her pile of spilled roses forward, and the aisle was now scattered with the petals. Alice noticed this, and finally snuck a glance around at the rest of the changes in the room. The distraction was enough to get her mind off her sudden anxiety, and she picked up the pace, practically dragging Carlisle along. They soon reached the altar, and Carlisle laid Alice's hand in Jasper's. He then flashed around Alice, turning around to officiate.

"Dearly beloved friends," he began, flipping through to the right page as he stepped into place. He didn't really need the book, of course, but in times like this it was a comfort to do things the human way. "We are gathered here today in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate instituted of God in paradise, in the time of innocent man, signifying unto us the mystical union that is between Christ and his Church: which in holy estate, Christ adorned and beautified with his presence, and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and it is commended of Saint Paul to be honorable among all men; and therefore is not to be enterprised, nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding: but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God."

Carlisle closed the nook and looked around at our little gathering, sparing a glance toward the telephone receiver that signified the invisible cousins who were also in attendance. He laughed suddenly at the absurdity of our ramshackle preparations and shook his head, and smiled at Alice and Jasper.

"I'm afraid I haven't had time to prepare any wise words for this occasion! But I find I have some things to say, nonetheless. Alice and Jasper, it is a marvel to consider the separate paths that have brought you to this day. If I may be forgiven some irreverence on this solemn occasion…" He smiled again. "There is something _magical_ about the two of you. You were so clearly made to find each other, though the waiting was long and difficult. And you were both so incomplete without one another—Alice, with your loneliness, and Jasper, with your misery, that I believe Heaven and earth were moved to bring you together. It was as supernatural as the formation of Alice's gift, and as ordinary as a rainy day in Philadelphia, but that was what it took. You found each other, and the combination of your powerful gifts and your deep love, make _this_ day extraordinary. It matters little now that you were unable to marry upon your first meeting; when I watch you two together, I see a love so pure and mysterious that I am truly humbled. And honored, to see this ultimate consummation of your love done today.

"Alice," he continued, turning to his newest daughter, "All that I have to say is that I am absurdly pleased with myself, that I managed to keep this from your visions until now!"

We all laughed, and Alice finally relaxed her shoulders, giggling behind through her veil. Jasper rubbed the backs of her hands with his thumbs.

"For the benefit of our cousins," Carlisle said, glancing toward the phone again, "I will now tell you _how_ I managed this incredible feat. I was, of course, hoping to see this day from the moment that Alice and Jasper joined our family. You all know that I hold marriage to be the most sacred of covenants, regardless of species. But I felt it unwise to suggest such a thing immediately, considering the difficult beginning that we had together. And Jasper, there was also the delicate matter of your thirst, and my plans for your desensitization; I did not want to burden you with too much at once. I _did_ have a feeling that you would want to follow my advice, though. So I took it upon myself to buy the ring and hide it—"

"How did you even hide _that_ from me?" Alice asked.

"I knew that you never watch me at work, because of the blood," Carlisle answered. "I ordered it from a catalog and had it delivered to my office at the hospital. It's been hidden in the pocket of my lab coat for the past month! Edward has known about this longer than anyone else, though he only knew that a surprise for Alice was in store. I needed him, when the time came, to give some sort of signal for the diversion. Once I got the idea in my head of surprising you, Alice, I was determined to make it happen. And so over the past few weeks, I've carefully slipped instructions to everyone about the diversion, and waited for the right moment. And with our cousins here this week, you've been so focused on learning economics that I knew it just might work. And of course, this week had the extra bonus of having two more family members present. Though I hadn't expected the engagement to last seven minutes!"

"And ceremony is going to be longer than the engagement, at this rate," Eleazar muttered, looking at his watch.

"And so today," Carlisle continued, speaking over our laughter, "was the perfect opportunity. I was going out alone with Jasper, and I was careful not to make the final decision until I was already back within Edward's range. But I did take the ring along with me, just in case. And I had already told Eleazar about the surprise, and I had Esme tell Carmen. When we got close enough, I told Edward to give everyone the signal—"

"I should have known!" Alice interrupted, turning toward me and twisting her veil askew. "You never polish your own shoes!"

"I most certainly _do_ ," I retorted, missing a beat in my piano playing.

"I had Edward give the signal," Carlisle went on, smiling, "and then I spoke to Jasper. And do you know what he said to me, Alice?"

Jasper tightened his grip on Alice's hands, fingering her engagement ring as he spoke. "I told him that nothing could make me happier, or more complete, than to become one with you in every way possible. That... _marrying_ you was a dream that I hadn't yet allowed myself, but that I've felt so human these past few weeks… that despite what we are, maybe you and I are worthy of living a life together, and not just an existence. That I didn't even _have_ a life until I came into yours."

"Jazz," Alice whispered, "You know my life began with seeing your face. But I didn't really begin to live until you found me."

"Quite so," Carlisle said, his voice failing him. "This is the magic that I spoke of. Jasper, Alice loved you so much that she willingly endured decades of solitude in order to wait for you. Did she ever tell you about the time she considered coming to find us early? Before she met up with you?"

Jasper's eyebrows shot up, and he glanced down at Alice with a new uncertainty. "No."

"She was so lonely, Jasper. Having us for company in her visions wasn't enough. You know how friendly and personable your mate is. And so she considered coming to us, without you. Not instead of you—she just thought you could join up with all of us eventually. But she didn't, because her visions led her to believe that this might delay your meeting, or have some other negative impact on your bond. And so she chose to wait, alone. She waited for you for almost thirty years, on the off chance that doing anything else might somehow spoil the future she had seen of the two of you share.

"And Alice, the love that Jasper bears for you is equally as powerful. He chose to try a lifestyle that was completely foreign to his way of thinking, just to please you. He is still enduring the pain that this new lifestyle causes every day, just so you can have every bit of the destiny you've always believed in. I don't think any of us can truly appreciate just how difficult that effort is. Jasper is literally _burning_ twenty-four hours a day, Alice, just to be worthy of you.

"Even if I had weeks with which to write a sermon, how could I call either of you to a love that is any higher than that which you already hold for one another? The only counsel I can offer is that as you encounter new experiences together, that you continue to love and honor one another as you have already learned to do. That you respect the special burden of each other's gifts, and that each of you share that burden honestly with the other. And when problems arise, as they most certainly will, I urge you both to remember that forgiveness and patience are virtues, and just as holy as the great love you have been allotted. Let us pray." He picked up the book again.

"O Eternal God, creator and preserver of all mankind, giver of spiritual grace, the author of everlasting life: Send Thy blessing upon these Thy servants, this man, and this woman, whom we bless in Thy name, that as Isaac and Rebecca, after bracelets and jewels of gold given of the one to the other for tokens o their matrimony, lived faithfully together; so these persons may surely perform and keep the vow and covenant between them made, whereof this ring is given, and received, is a token and pledge. And may they ever remain in perfect love and peace together; and live according to Thy laws, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

I played louder as I circled back to the beginning of the third movement again, trying to drown out the sniffles coming out of the telephone. Carlisle drew aside, motioning for Alice and Jasper to make their way to the altar. Jasper stared for a moment into the flame, remembering all the deaths he had dealt by firelight, all the people he had torn apart and fed to the bonfires that seemed to always be present. _Not this time_ , he thought firmly. He picked up the candle with a steady hand, tilting the flame to join Alice's on the dry wick of the center candle. A new flame was born, and their eyes met as they blew out the candles representing their separate lives.

Carlisle took the rings out his pocket, giving the larger one to Alice. But he frowned down at the smaller one; it was too big. He quickly crushed the gold between his fingers, molding it back into a smaller circle than before. Jasper watched curiously as Alice slid his wedding ring halfway onto his finger, and then copied her when Carlisle was satisfied with Alice's ring. Carlisle clasped their joined hands in his own, lifting them higher.

"These rings are the visible symbol of the commitment that Alice and Jasper are making today. In a human ceremony, their circular form suggests an eternal love, and its eternal promise. For humans, this symbol is hyperbolic. But it holds a literal meaning to our kind. When we find our true mate and the bond that it gives, the love therein is designed to be truly eternal. It cannot be broken by time or by death. It cannot bear this separation, for it is not meant to do so."

He lowered their hands, and they cited their vows together after him—the same ones that Rosalie and Emmett had sworn.

"Here I pledge my eternal love, stronger than blood, stronger than venom. I pledge to cherish you, to honor you, to follow and defend you. My silent heart will beat only for you, and my cold countenance will warm only to you. I will journey this earth forever with you, until its ending or our own. If death take you, I will avenge and follow you. If death take me, I will await you. I will celebrate our love anew with each sunrise, and marvel in the glistening wonder of each day with you. I will seek your good with all my heart, and defeat all those who seek your peril. I will love you, first in my heart, forever. As God is my witness, I give you this ring as my promise; herein I plight my troth."

Carlisle opened the book again, his voice strong as he delivered his blessing.

"Those whom God has joined together, let no man put asunder. Forasmuch as Jasper and Alice have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same here before God and this company; and thereto have given and pledged their troth either to the other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving rings, and by joining of hands: I pronounce that they be man and wife together. In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen. God the Father bless you. God the Son keep you. God the Holy Ghost lighten your understanding. The Lord mercifully with His favor look upon you, and so fill you with all spiritual benediction, and grace, that you may have remission of your sins in this life, and the world to come, life everlasting. Amen."

Jasper already had his wife in his arms before the "Amen" was out, and her veil fluttered across the room as he ripped it off and flung it away to kiss her.

"SOMEBODY TAKE A PICTURE!" Kate yelled from the phone. Esme leapt up from her seat, still crying, and snapped a picture of the newlyweds with the camera that had just happened to be in her lap. We all stood and applauded, and Emmett hooted his approval as Jasper swept Alice off of her feet, deepening his kiss.

I sat back down to play a recessional, but another inspiration struck me instead. Waving for Esme to get the camera ready again, I swept my arm across the top of the piano, sending a spray of sparkling glass and rose petals into the air. The camera flashed again just as the glass rained down on the happy couple, followed by a softer shower of rose petals. Jasper's gift trembled and sputtered like the candle's flame, and the whole house suddenly shook with a heart-blinding explosion of true love.


	26. Isabella Swan

We all rocked back a step, shaken by the force of Jasper's love. I sucked in a deep breath, amazed at the way the whole world seemed to brighten with color. Jasper had lost control of his gift around me before, but nothing like _this_. I felt warm and weightless and wonderful and lost, all at once. It wasn't just love, either; there were a dozen emotions I couldn't even name, all blended into one glorious feeling. By the time the last rose petal fluttered down to the carpet, everyone in the room except me had turned to their mate with shimmering minds and instant longing. Jasper inhaled sharply as the effects of his gift doubled back on himself eightfold, and his hands tightened in Alice's hair. Not good. Not good!

Carlisle pulled Esme toward the front door. "I think we'd better give the newlyweds some time to themselves," he murmured absently. Esme giggled, leaning into his shoulder, and they were gone. Emmett and Rosalie disappeared out the broken window, already devouring each other, and Carmen and Eleazar quietly slipped out through the kitchen. My mind was a frightening tornado of everyone's fantasies, and I grabbed my head in a panic, wondering which way _I_ should run. Alice and Jasper were still kissing four feet from where I stood, and showed no signs of going anywhere, or of acknowledging my existence ever again.

"What's going on now? Is anyone there? Hello? Helllooooo?"

I frowned back toward the altar to find the phone still off the hook. I kicked aside the piano bench and reached around behind Alice's back, grabbing the receiver. "Show's over, Tanya," I said in a rush. "I'm going to hang up now. Alice and Jasper are about to break the house."

"Oh, Edward, that's so _romantic_!" Tanya sighed. "Do you think you and I will ever—"

I slammed the phone down on its base and raced for the door. By the time I reached it, Jasper already had Alice backed up against the piano. I tore the door open and ran, but not fast enough. The haze of love shifted suddenly in tone, and Jasper's desire, magnified by the feedback his gift had accidentally created, washed over me like a boiling ocean of blood. I shot into the forest at top speed, veering to the west to avoid Carmen and Eleazar. But then Rosalie and Emmett were too close, so I turned north. The whole _world_ was turning red. I ran faster than I had ever run before.

I didn't stop until I hit Lake Champlain. I dove in, swam like a fury, and then started running again until I was mentally isolated from civilization. It seemed like only a moment later that I found myself pacing back and forth among a small forest of downed trees, my fists in my hair and my chest heaving with unused energy. There was an echo on the air as if I had been roaring in anguish, but I didn't remember doing so. My entire body was burning with need, and it wasn't for blood. _God_ , if I had Tanya here right now…

No. _No_ , I wouldn't, not even if she was here. There was only one woman I wanted right now, and I didn't even know her name. I didn't know where she was, or even _if_ she was, and the whole thing suddenly seemed so wretchedly un _fair_! I knocked another two trees out of my way and shouted up at the heavens, to whoever was listening:

"WHEN?!"

I got an answer, all right: a crash of thunder, and the splash of rain right on my upturned face. Alice's thunderstorm had arrived, right on schedule. We were supposed to be out playing _baseball_ right now. Instead, everyone but me was off on their own little honeymoon, my piano was probably being smashed to bits by the _real_ newlyweds, and here _I_ was, smashing trees somewhere in upstate New York and demanding questions of the sky like a lovesick puppy.

Pathetic.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and counting the raindrops as they hit my face. By the time I got to two million, I was somewhat calmer… and _outrageously_ thirsty. I spent a few moments making sure I hadn't left any handprints on the fallen trees, and then I found myself a white-tailed deer.

I almost lost control immediately this time. I threw the deer down in anger and waited an excruciating _second_ minute before trying again. The blood was almost completely ruined after that, being two minutes old, but I forced it down nonetheless. I could feel, quite clearly this time, that this wasn't cutting it. I was in such an emotional turmoil, though, that I wasn't surprised. And stale blood was better than nothing. I finally felt my muscles relax, and climbed up in a nearby oak to wait out the night. At least the storm was brief; the stars began to reappear less than an hour later. I climbed higher, reclining in a nook between two branches and watching as the constellations slowly shimmered into existence.

Now that I had shaken free of all the emotions Jasper had unwittingly shared, I felt nothing but a tired emptiness. Just… hollow, like the core of my essence had been carved away, leaving a gaping hole in the center of my chest. Or maybe nothing had never been there to begin with. It wasn't painful, exactly, but it was a most unpleasant, unbalanced feeling. The world had suddenly grown so beautiful, so _alive_ for a moment there, and now it was gone. _She_ was gone. The urgency of lust was also gone, but now I ached to just hold her, to have her with me in the tree. All I wanted was to watch the stars with her, to feel her face nestled against mine, to close my eyes and listen to the soothing music of her thoughts… just for tonight. I stared harder up at the stars, as if I could make her face appear. If I could have just one detail to hold on to—the color of her hair, the sound of her mind… If I could just get one glimpse, if I could at least have the assurance that she existed, or _would_ exist, someday… if I could just…

Alice.

_Alice!_

I jerked up into sitting, my fingers digging into the bark. I had a fortune teller right at home, didn't I? It was a long shot, I knew—I had seen Alice's famous Family Portrait vision, and I was alone in it. But that had come to her years ago. And I was sure she hadn't told me everything yet: she had certainly held onto those awful Arctic visions long enough. Or maybe she just hadn't looked far enough ahead. She would look, if I asked her. I knew she would.

Did I want her to look?

I did. Something felt wrong about it, like I was ruining some kind of magic by cheating, but I had to know... if it was possible to know. Yes, I would ask her, as soon as I got home. I sighed and laid back against the branches again, pulling my fingers back out of the wood they had crunched into. It wasn't like I _could_ go home. I realized now how lucky I was that Alice and Jasper usually did their lovemaking out in the woods. It had already been their habit, having lived in the wilderness since the day they met in the diner. But now I wondered if this was also out of respect to the burden of my gift… or, rather, the danger of Jasper's gift. Either way, I was grateful, because I didn't _ever_ want to repeat this night again.

At any rate, I should have grabbed a book on the way out. I began flicking at the wood loosened by my fingers a moment ago. In the silent light of the rising moon, the wood underneath shone white, just a shade duller than the glimmer on my hand. I wondered how long it would take, at human speed, to peel the bark off an entire two-hundred-foot oak tree.

I might as well find out now.

.

.

.

The house was still standing when I got back the next morning; that was a good sign. I found the living room, however, to be in less than perfect condition. Most of the furniture used to make the wedding aisle had already been put away- or thrown away, as the case may be. But there were a few holes knocked in the walls, a second broken window, and a suspiciously large open space by the first one.

"Hi, Edward!"

Alice bounded in from the kitchen, wearing an outlandish pink skirt that swished for two full seconds after she had stopped moving. She had a tool belt dangling from her hand. She pursed her lips in disapproval as her eyes swept over my ruined tuxedo, but she wisely decided this was not the time.

"Where's my piano?" I sighed.

She bit her lip, looking guilty. "I was going to buy you a new one later today, but you aren't going to let me."

I just shook my head, staring mournfully at the empty space.

Jasper's face emerged from out of one of the new holes, and he took the tool belt from Alice. He sent me a sheepish glance before his face disappeared behind the shattered wallboard again. _I'm sorry about last night._ _It won't happen again._

I sighed again, walking away to right an endtable that was on its side. "You couldn't help it."

_Not really, no._ _There were just too many people and…_ _Anyway, I talked to Eleazar about it this morning._ _He thinks he can help me learn how to better control my gift, under… certain circumstances._

I cleared my throat loudly, hoping that was the end of the conversation; Carmen had just walked into the room. "That's nice. So, are you two going on a honeymoon trip or what?"

Jasper shrugged inside the wall. "Alice doesn't want to go away."

Carmen turned to Alice, surprised. "You're sure, dear? I'm sure Carlisle and Esme would loan you the island, if you wanted it. It would be lovely this time of year."

"We've been away long enough," Alice said firmly. "And we'll be able to take plenty of vacations later on, after Jasper's thirst is better."

Jasper's hammering stopped. "Have you seen something new?" he asked her hopefully.

"Not about that," she admitted. "I mean, someday."

"Someday, what?" Emmett asked, coming in as well. "Hey, where's the piano?"

"Gone," I muttered.

"Someday, we'll go on a honeymoon!" Alice chirped, spinning a pirouette as she began to sweep up the rose petals.

"Well, you've made a good start," Emmett said, nodding at the broken walls in approval. "What's Jasper doing?"

Jasper finally reappeared, exchanging the hammer for a file. "What's it look like I'm doing?"

Emmett sighed, shoving Jasper out of the way. "Let big brother show you how it's done," he said magnanimously. "I've done this particular repair a few times."

"A _few_?" I snorted. "You two have broken everything _except_ the piano!"

He ignored me, running a fingernail along the wall and scoring a larger square shape around the jagged hole. Next he scored three diagonal lines, from the jagged hole out to the square perimeter. He grasped the wallboard and sheetrock from the torn edges, gently working each section back and forth until they popped right out, leaving a nice square hole.

"There," Emmett said, tossing the piece onto the pile of broken wall Jasper had already gotten together. "Now it's easier to get at the broken stud, and the patch will be easier to make."

"Thanks," Jasper sighed, getting back to work. _This is so embarrassing. I don't even remember how this one happened._

"Well, I'm going upstairs to get cleaned up," I announced. "And then I'm off to get a new piano."

" _Please_ can I come?" Alice whined.

"What for? You don't know anything about pianos."

"But it'll be fun!"

"No. Besides, you have to clean up the mess you two made." Alice scowled back at me, but I headed upstairs to shower and change. When I had cleaned up, I found the contents of my mother's jewelry box still sprawled across my couch from yesterday. I sat down, fingering some of the pieces gently before picking up the box. But as I moved to return the first handful of necklaces back inside, I saw something wedged tightly in the velvet corners of the jewelry box that I had never seen before. I pried it free, holding it up to catch the sunlight. It was an enormous diamond—seven carats, at least—cut into the shape of a heart. I had never seen it before, I supposed, because it had been stuck there at the bottom of the box for all these years. It was exquisitely beautiful. The sunlight shining through it was filling the room with rainbows.

I rubbed the pad of my thumb over the diamond, sifting through my human memories to try and find it. It was fitted with a little silver clasp, so it must have been made for a necklace or something… but I had no memory of my mother wearing it. I supposed that as a boy, I wouldn't have been interested in that sort of thing. But now I wondered what the story was behind this diamond; it was, without a doubt, the most expensive piece in the whole collection. Had there been a special occasion, and this the gift for said occasion? I knew, from the size of my inheritance, that my human father would have been able to afford things like this… but it still was quite an astonishing extravagance. And such a waste, for it to be crammed into the bottom of a jewelry box, for so many years. Perhaps Rosalie or Alice would like it? But as with the engagement ring, I discovered I didn't like the idea of parting with it. It was so beautiful... I wanted to save it for the day when _I_ had someone to give it to. Someone who glittered and shone, just like the diamond I was holding. Someone who was mine…

I sighed, moving my left hand to comb through the tangled mess of jewelry still on the couch. I easily found the little black box and flicked it open with my thumb. I held the two pieces side by side, their sunlit brilliance growing as their sparkles intermingled. When would that day come, when I would be side by side like this with her in the sunlight, our hands glistening upon each other as they touched? I had never liked the inhuman glitter that adorned my skin. It was such a glaring reminder of everything I wasn't: warm, soft, mortal… human. But, then, she wouldn't be any of those things, either. And judging by the way Emmett's mind always turned to mush whenever Rosalie set to sparkling… I supposed I might feel differently when I saw it on my own beloved. But _when_?

Perhaps I should take Alice with me today, after all. It would give us the chance to talk alone, so that I could ask her. And it was such a sunny day out, it might be nice to have a portable meteorologist along for the ride.

"Hooray!" Alice shouted from downstairs. "Give me two minutes, Edward!" The stairs pitter-pattered with her quick footsteps, and I heard the doors of her closet flinging open. I smiled and began to scoop up the rest of the jewelry, replacing it in the box. On a whim, I slipped the diamond heart into my pocket. Maybe while we were out, I could find a chain to put it on. There was no harm in having it ready for her, after all. I shuffled downstairs to wait for Alice, thumbing through the telephone book to find the nearest piano shop while I waited.

"I'm ready!" Alice sang, appearing at my side. She was now wearing a green summer dress, with a matching headband and purse. And shoes. And bracelet.

"You changed clothes to go piano shopping?" I asked, wrinkling my nose. "That's… weird."

"It's weird all right," Emmett laughed. "You just got married yesterday, and now you're dressing up to go on a date with your brother?"

Alice stuck her tongue out at him. I frowned, my eyes flicking over to where Jasper was working. I hadn't thought of it like that…

"Take her," Jasper insisted. "The more she goes shopping with everyone else now, the less I'll have to go once I can be around people again."

"That's what you think," Emmett muttered under his breath. _Poor kid! He doesn't know._

"Don't worry," Alice said cheerfully. "I'll go on a date with _you_ next time, Emmett. Maybe you could help me pick out Jasper some new—"

"Let's go," I sighed, pulling Alice out to the garage. It was still sunny out, so I put up the top on the Jaguar.

"You won't need it in half an hour."

"You're handy," I said with a smile, and pulled out onto the road. We drove in silence for a while, Alice admiring and playing with her new rings. The wedding ring wasn't quite right for the engagement ring; the color was off, and even a human could see the imperfections created by Carlisle's effort to resize it. Alice was thinking about the differences as well.

"I wonder why Carlisle got two different colors of gold, and in two sizes," she said absently, fingering them.

"He didn't. Both your and Jasper's wedding rings came from my stash. My human mother's jewelry, I mean."

"Oh! You mean like Rosalie's engagement ring?"

"Yes. If you want, we can stop by the jewelry store and get you something that matches the other one better."

Her eyes widened. "You're _offering_ to take me jewelry shopping, of your own free will? You're the best brother in the world!"

I laughed. "I was actually thinking of going there anyway. I just found a new piece in the collection—a charm, and I'd like to get it set in a necklace. You could help me pick it out." I reached in my pocket and handed her the diamond heart. She cradled it in her hands gently, holding it up to the sunlight.

"This is so _beautiful_. It was your mother's?"

I shrugged. "I assume so. I don't recall ever seeing it before, but then I never paid much attention to that sort of thing."

_But you do now?_

I smiled uncomfortably. Now that I had Alice alone, I was losing my nerve. What if she looked, and found nothing? What if she had already tried, and found nothing? What if _I_ wasn't meant to look? Maybe this was a bad idea.

"I just think it needs a necklace," I mumbled. Alice nodded seriously, turning the diamond this way and that, picturing various styles of chains or more complicated necklaces that might pair with it. It really was a good thing I had her with me; I hadn't a clue about this sort of thing. For it to be worthy of the one it was destined for, it would need to be perfect.

.

.

.

We only had to wait in the parking lot for an extra two minutes. Alice counted down the seconds, and the sun winked out as soon as she hit "zero." We got out and headed for the piano shop, which, to my luck, was only three doors down from a jewelry store.

"I really don't know how you all managed without me for so long," she said with a delicate sigh.

I chuckled, holding the door open for her. "We watched the sky, Alice. And they do make forecasts, you know."

"They _try_ ," she scoffed.

The shop carried instruments of all kinds, but the main room was filled with three rows of pianos, all sorts. I strolled through the aisles, trailing my fingers over the keys and playing a few notes on each. Some had a sound that was too mellow, others too tinny, or too deep. Alice moved over to the sheet music section while I browsed.

I finally had it narrowed down to three. I played a few measures of various songs on each, bending down to listen as close to the strings as I could manage. I finally sat down to the third piano, a Steinway baby grand in mahogany. After running through a few chords in all the octaves, I settled into playing one of my favorites, "Clair de Lune" by Debussy: a good test to see if the piano's sound carried the richness and clarity that I wanted. The store manager and a couple of other patrons drew closer, listening as I played.

The sound was _heavenly_. I didn't think I had ever sat down to a piano where my music, and the feeling I was trying to put into it, flowed so effortlessly. My eyes drifted closed as I played, and I let myself be carried along with the delicate melody as it unfolded. As the intensity of the second half began to flow, I felt a strange ache growing in my chest. The beauty of pieces like this often moved me, but this particular ache was reminiscent of the hollow emptiness that I had felt last night, when the strange mixture of Jasper's secondhand emotions had first begun to fade away.

I was still new at examining my own feelings in such specific terms. Since getting to know Jasper's mind, I was learning to assign names to feelings I had never thought to distinguish between before. But _love_ … it was so complex, and so foreign to me, at least in the way I had felt it last night. And it had been such a rich blend of feelings; whether they were the pieces that love was made up of, or were just felt along with it, I had no way of knowing. I had felt tenderness, awe, excitement, desire, warmth, trust, security, happiness, hope. But especially hope. That was the part that was still clinging to me, I supposed. Daydreaming over heart-shaped diamonds, imagining what it might be like to feel my beloved's face touching mine… these weren't the sort of thoughts I usually allowed myself. Besides being pointless, they had a tendency to leave me feeling incomplete. Exactly like I felt right now.

"That one," Alice announced cheerfully. I sighed, opening my eyes. I played a few more measures, and then glanced up to the manager, giving him a nod.

"An excellent choice," he said. "And may I say, young man, you have a most beautiful style. I've never heard Debussy played with such sensitivity."

"Thank you."

"We'll need it in black," Alice informed him. He nodded, moving back towards a desk to begin the paperwork.

I frowned up at Alice. "Why black?"

She rolled her eyes. "Edward. Your hair is _bronze_. You look _awful_ next to that color."

"Ah."

We followed the manager, giving our address and phone number. Black would take longer, he said, possibly two or three weeks. I told him that was fine, but that I would need to come back in and try out the new piano itself before agreeing to the delivery. I made it clear, with no small hint of arrogance in my tone, that under no circumstances would I sign for an instrument I hadn't inspected and played first.

 _Well, that was rude!_ Alice grumbled as we left the store.

"What should I have said? That my brother is unusually bloodthirsty for a vampire, and that if they tried to deliver it without calling ahead, they'd never make it back alive?"

"Oh. I guess deliveries aren't such a good thing, are they?"

I shrugged. "It can't be avoided. I can't be seen walking through town carrying a piano on my shoulder, now can I?"

She giggled. "I guess not. Ooh, Edward, _look_!" She pointed to the shop between the piano store and the jewelry store: a men's formalwear outlet.

"So?"

She latched onto my elbow with both hands, pulling me toward the door. "So, let's go in there! You promised!"

"I did no such thing." I planted my feet, resisting her pull easily.

She pulled harder. "Oh, yes you did! Yesterday!" She dropped her voice to imitate mine. " _I've been thinking, about what you said about my wardrobe._ _I really need something business casual, if I'm going to come with you to meet with the broker next week._ _Maybe we could go shopping together, and I promise to let you get you anything you like_. See!"

"I only said that to distract you, so that Jasper could propose."

She pouted, but her iron grip tightened even further. "You _promised_. And you need a new tuxedo now, too. Come on, _please_? I did just get married, after all, and this could sort of be like my wedding gift. I mean, the song was lovely, but this is what I _really_ want." She peeked ahead a couple of minutes, smugly showing me myself, standing in front of a mirror and having a human wrap a measuring tape around my shoulders.

I sighed heavily, allowing myself to be pulled into the shop. "You had this planned all along, didn't you?"

"Who, me? I've never even been to this part of town before. How could I possibly know which stores would be here?"

"You're a terrible liar. And what do you need me for? Use your visions to find the clothes we'll end up with and let's get out of here."

"Nope," she said firmly. "Rosalie's been teaching me that the art of shopping is ruined when I peek ahead. It's all about the journey. The conquest is richer when it's earned! You have to relish the hunt before you can—"

"Keep it down," I hissed. "Humans."

 _You have to relish the hunt before you can really KNOW which is the right prey_ _for you_ , she continued mentally. _It's just like you did with the pianos._ _How can you know which suit is destined to be yours, unless you experience all of them?_

I scanned the entire store over the course of two seconds, pointing out one tuxedo and one cream-colored jacket. "Those," I announced. "See how easy that was?"

Alice sighed disdainfully. "Good morning," she said loudly to the salesclerk. "We're looking for a new tuxedo, and also some business casual suit jackets."

" _A_ business casual suit jacket," I grumbled.

The young lady's eyes swept over my frame, widening in appreciation. _Oh my!_ "Certainly!" she said, moving towards me and whipping out a measuring tape. "We have so many selections that would be just perfect for your coloring… and your build, of course!" She stifled a girlish sigh, telling herself how lucky she was that business was slow today. I stood stock still to be measured, growling just loud enough for Alice to hear.

"Remind me to thank Rosalie for this when we get home," I muttered to her in the mirror. She grinned back at me in triumph, looking exactly like the predator she was.

.

.

.

Two wretched, _miserable_ hours later, I dragged Alice out of the formalwear store. "Two hours," I said through my teeth. "And we bought the _same clothes_ _that I picked out in less than three seconds_."

"Isn't that amazing?" Alice squeaked, her feet barely grazing the cement as I hauled her along. "Maybe there's some hope for you after all."

"I am _never_ doing that again."

Alice bit her lip, picturing all the shoes I currently owned; apparently, none of them were going to work with the cream-colored suit jacket. "Don't even _think_ about it," I snarled. She just hummed one of her delicate sighs and wrenched out of my grip.

"Jewelry's next," she announced gaily. "And this one was _your_ idea, so no whining, if you please!"

"Who's whining? I've been dismembered before, and that wasn't nearly as painful as what you just put me through. Of all the conniving, manipulative, _underhanded_ sisters—"

"I love you too!" she sang, spinning around as she threw the door open and waltzed into the jewelry store. I unclenched my jaw and sighed as I followed her in; she had a way of ruining a perfectly good fight. Maybe she should take some notes from Rosalie on _that_. And maybe if I could find a way to actually make her mad, I could get out of things like this in the future.

Alice jerked her lopsided wedding ring off her finger before flitting over to the counter. "Hello!" she said, making the clerk jump. He was an elderly, bent-over man. "We're looking for wedding rings, to match this." She laid her hand on the glass, and the clerk leaned over for a closer look.

"Lovely," he murmured. Then he looked up at me. "Congratulations. When's the big day?"

I snorted rudely, but Alice just laughed, a sound like tinkling bells. "No, this is my br—"

"Cousin," I interrupted. "She and her fiancée came to visit, in order to tell us the happy news. And somehow, I got roped into ring-shopping." I scowled playfully down at Alice, who shot me a look of confusion. "Later," I said under my breath. "Just play along."

"So, my _cousin_ is being such a sweetheart today," she continued smoothly, "and taking me ring-shopping. And after this, he's taking me to look at _wedding dresses_!" She squealed so fiercely that the clerk jerked backwards a step.

"Y-yes, well," he stammered, his heart rate increasing, "I think I have a few possibilities. Just give me a moment…" He fumbled with a ring of keys, heading over to a different counter to unlock it.

I turned to Alice, my teeth bared. " _No_."

"Oh, never mind. You're too crabby for a wedding boutique anyway. But why can't you be my brother?"

"We have a set cover story at each location," I murmured, keeping my eyes on the clerk. "Rosalie and I are the adopted children of Carlisle and Esme. Emmett is her husband. You can't just go around adding random details to the plot, or someone is going to notice the inconsistencies."

"But he doesn't even know us."

"It doesn't matter. He might know someone that knows us. And you need to practice the charade everywhere you go, because you aren't very good at it yet. You practically flew into the store like a tornado, and you've already scared that poor man twice since we've come in. Real humans don't have that much energy. And if you do need to add a new element onto the cover story while you're out, add it in such a way that it doesn't contradict any other elements."

"Okay. Less energy. No inventing new siblings. Got it."

"And don't use hunting analogies for shopping."

"Got it."

"And for heaven's sake, keep your teeth _covered_ when you smile."

"Speaking of shopping, maybe we could just—"

"I said _no_. If you want to play with wedding dresses, go with Rosalie. They're getting married again."

She gasped. "They are? Why am I just hearing about this?!" Her eyes glazed over as she began digging excitedly into the future. I left her to it.

"We'll need one for her fiancée as well," I told the clerk in a soothing voice.

"Size?"

"What?"

"I'll need his ring size."

Rings came in sizes? I frowned down at my hand, trying to guess how it compared to Jasper's. "I don't know… large?"

Alice zipped over to my side, remembering to slow her pace during her last two steps. She grabbed my left hand and slapped it up onto the glass counter. "His left ring finger is eleven percent wider than Edward's," she said with certainty. I shot her a glare.

_Let me guess… don't display suprahuman observation and calculation skills._ _Got it._

I finally quirked a smile; she really did make it impossible to stay angry. The clerk slipped some kind of measuring device on my finger, and then on Alice's. Then Alice spent another _twenty-five_ minutes staring at a tray full of rings, all of which were almost identical.

"This one for me, and this one for J—… for my fiancée," she announced finally, handing two rings to the clerk. He went into the back to resize them.

"It's all right to say his name," I said in amusement.

_I didn't want you to get crabby again._

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I didn't mean it."

"I know," she said lightly. "But I really am trying to learn. I just never spent much time interacting with humans, that's all."

"Why not? You seem to like being around them, even more than the rest of us do."

She shrugged. "I didn't want to miss anything, you know? Between Jasper and the rest of you, my visions kept me pretty busy most of the time. Especially when you were all in different places, or travelling. I just sort of lived through all of _you_. And besides, I look too young to sign up for anything by myself, like school or an apartment or a job."

I nodded, my hand slipping into my pocket. I took out the diamond heart, rubbing my thumb over it thoughtfully. All those years alone with her visions… surely she had seen _something_ , if there was anything to see. I opened my mouth to ask, but shut it again. I felt odd again, like I was intruding on something. What if Alice could literally _find_ her, and see what she was doing right now, like she had been able to find the rest of us before? Would that be wrong, or would it be wonderful? Even if I wasn't destined to meet up with her soon, as it had been with Alice and Jasper, maybe I could at least hear her voice, or catch a glimpse of her profile. How would she feel, someday, if she found out that I had been… watching her?

Alice gently took the diamond out of my hand, turning it around and around in her own. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

_Are you going to ask me or not?_ _You've been changing your mind back and forth all day._

I looked down at the diamond, grateful she had taken the decision from me… and disappointed, because I already had my answer. I finally lifted my eyes, watching her face carefully. "I'm guessing from your lack of enthusiasm that you don't have much to tell me."

"Nothing. I'm sorry."

I sighed, leaning my elbows back against the glass counter. It was a harder blow than I had expected. I hadn't even thought to hope for this twenty-four hours ago, but now it felt like a part of me was being taken away. "Have you…" I began, feeling suddenly very foolish. "Have you tried? I mean, I know there wasn't anyone with me in the Family Portrait, but have you looked, you know, on purpose?"

"What would I look for? I can't tell my visions to skip ahead to Edward's Wedding Day. It doesn't work like that."

"I know that," I said quietly. "But what if you just looked into my future, as far as you could? Just to see?"

"It doesn't work like that," she repeated, her eyes softening with pity. "You don't have _a_ future. You have hundreds, and at the same time you have none. Almost nothing solid is there to see, yet, and at the same time, there are so many possibilities it all blurs together. A vision gets formed as decisions are made, both by you and by the people that affect your future—all the way from Carlisle, whose job decides where we'll live next, to the person who's going to invent whatever gadget you'll be fiddling with in twenty years."

"It's not always like that," I said impatiently. "You saw Esme, and Emmett and Rosalie, long before Carlisle _decided_ to turn them. You saw yourself with Jasper long before either of you made any decisions that would bring you together."

"That's different. Being with Jasper was always my destiny. And being in the family was always _our_ destiny."

"How is this any different? If she…" My throat tightened, and the ache in my chest deepened as I felt my hope begin to die. "If she was _destined_ to be your sister, just like Rosalie was, wouldn't there be a way for you to see her? Through your own future, if not mine?"

"It doesn't—"

"Stop saying that!" I hissed, my chest aching harder. "Could you just _try_ , please?" I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm sorry. I know it's not as cut and dried as all that. I'm just… I have to know, if I can. So… please, just try, all right?"

Alice sighed, closing her eyes. I latched fully onto her mind, and we flew forward in time together. Almost immediately the pictures began to blur, to dance around wildly until there were so many colors that everything faded to white. _Sorry, that's not going to work._ She backed up, going more slowly. We saw picture after picture of me, doing the things I always did: playing the piano, hunting, studying, walking in the streets of nameless towns, driving a car. Then I was driving a different car. I was studying in a classroom with an unknown mountain range visible out the window, though the mountain range blinked and changed shape three times. I was in another car now, inserting some kind of gray rectangle into the radio. I was playing another piano. I was reading a book. I was sitting at a desk, typing on what looked like a television and a typewriter glued together. I was wrestling with Emmett. I was sitting in class, and everyone's clothes looked wrong. I was playing yet another piano. Alice seemed to be focusing on my left hand, especially in the piano visions. It was always empty.

It ended the same way as before. No matter how hard Alice tried to keep a grip on the visions, they eventually swirled together in a bland mush of possible futures. She started over again, but our eyes opened when we heard the clerk's footsteps coming toward us.

"There we are," he said cheerfully, brandishing the rings. Alice tried hers on and declared it a perfect fit. I tried on Jasper's, which was just a bit loose, as it should be. I frowned down at the sight; I had never worn any kind of ring before. And just now, I had distinctly seen my hand continue to be ringless for any number of decades. I jerked the ring back off, giving it to Alice with a curt nod of approval. It was silly to think that the ring was mocking me, but that was what it felt like.

Alice held the diamond heart out towards the clerk. "And we'd like to see about getting this set in a necklace," she told him. His eyes were just beginning to widen when I snatched the diamond out of her hand, shoving it back in my pocket.

Alice frowned. "I thought you—"

"Forget it."

.

.

.

"It doesn't mean anything," Alice insisted as we drove home. "Maybe she wasn't in the Portrait because she wasn't born yet. The others already were. It doesn't mean she won't come."

"I know," I said stiffly, staring out at the road ahead. "I know that."

"And besides," she added, playing with her engagement ring, "most people don't have visions. They just have hope, you know? You just have to believe it'll happen. Of _course_ it'll happen. Someday." _Someone as wonderful as you… it has to happen._ _I know it will._

I nodded, refusing to turn and look at the pity in her eyes. _Someday_. It was no more than I had had before.

Why, then, did it suddenly feel like less?


	27. Fortune

**Some of you may have noticed that Edward's starting to get more irritable and sarcastic again... courtesy of the eating disorder getting worse. He won't be able to keep it up much longer. But in the meantime, things are about to get exciting! This chapter is a bit of a breather before said excitement begins.**

**Also, a little disclaimer for the musical portion of this chapter: the song Edward is composing (or rather, trying unsuccessfully to compose) is Bella's lullaby, as played in the movies. So all credit goes to Summit Entertainment or whoever owns the rights to that song, not to me.**

* * *

When we returned home, Alice raced inside to show Jasper their new wedding rings. I didn't anticipate another of Jasper's emotional cascades, but I didn't feel up to witnessing another sample of their perfect love… not just now. And from the sound of their thoughts as our car pulled up, both Carlisle and Esme were preparing to apologize for the awkwardness they had all put me through last night. I wasn't in the mood for that, either.

I jumped straight up to my own window. The window itself was closed, but it was easy enough to cling to the siding with one hand while I pried the pane open with the other. I swung inside, landing silently on the wood floor. My couch was glistening in the sunlight, still littered with jewelry from earlier. I took the diamond heart out of my pocket, planning to replace it in the jewelry box with the rest, but something stopped me. I tilted the diamond in the slanting afternoon light, feeling the hollow ache in my chest again as I watched the rainbows dance again on my walls. The thought of putting it away, perhaps never to take it out again…

_Edward, where are you? I'm so very sorry about last night. That must have been so awful for you. Edward?_

I rolled my eyes at Esme's silent message. Of _course_ it had been awful, and the one thing that could make it worse was to have my mother make a fuss over it. In fact, the house was far more crowded than I would like. I was still terribly disappointed in what Alice's visions had shown me… or rather, what they hadn't shown me. I wasn't really in the mood for company of any kind. My hands ached for the piano keys instead, so that I could work out some of the odd feelings that were plaguing me. Preferably _without_ an audience who were all thinking their pitying apologies at me.

In any case, I didn't have a piano at the moment. Why did Alice and Jasper have to break _that_ , of all things? Even Emmett and Rosalie had never been so careless. My eyes drifted out the window; I supposed I could just spend some more time out alone. But then I looked up at the ceiling, towards the attic. I didn't necessarily need a piano, now did I? I had my classical guitar up in storage, and it had the added benefit of being portable.

I slipped the diamond back into my pocket and climbed back out my window, scaling up the side of the house and slipping into the attic directly through the gable. I found the guitar case exactly where I had laid it upon our move here two years ago. I popped the dusty case open and took just the guitar with me; Alice had already pronounced the rest of the day cloud-free.

I didn't go far; just far enough to get mental silence. I found a little rushing stream with an ancient willow bowing over it- perfect for an afternoon of thoughtful music. I nestled down in the sprawling roots of the willow. I took my time carefully tuning the strings; I hadn't touched this particular instrument in years. Once it was in tune, I ran through a few songs I had been practicing the last time I had played it, just to get my fingers back in the right mode. After that I just stared at the rushing water, letting my fingers wander over the strings as they would. The classical guitar had one big advantage over the piano, in terms of composing: the melody got more attention. With the piano, my brain moved so far ahead of my hands that I tended to get distracted with embellishments, improvisations, flourishes… but this way, it was just rushing water and the simple, lilting melody that was beginning to weave its way through the strings.

It was a sad tune. It was too monotonous, too slow, and far too repetitive. A few notes ascending, and the same notes descending. I played it for several minutes, frowning as my fingers refused to move on from playing the same four measures, over and over. I finally stopped, staring impatiently at the water and waiting for inspiration. Maybe I just didn't have it in me today. Or maybe I was so used to the piano that composing didn't come naturally on guitar right now.

Or maybe the tune was just right. Whenever I had written songs for the couples in my family, there was usually a separate component for each person, joining together in a third movement or section, sometimes with an altered joining in a fourth. If I was composing a song for myself and _my_ true love, I supposed this was the first movement, the one about myself. A life that was monotonous, moving too slowly... an endless horizon of immortality. Never changing, never growing, always moving just to start again. Yes, I had to admit that it was an accurate picture. The trouble was that there was really no way for me to work on the second component, the one about her, because I knew nothing _about_ her.

I had written a total of thirty-seven songs now for my mate… my true love. They weren't about her, exactly, although the tone sometimes hinted at qualities I hoped to find in her: purity, gentleness, warmth… laughter. The songs themselves were mostly abstract, not really about anything in particular. Some were more hopeful than others. But I had never really written a song about _us_ before.

I knew that Alice's visions could change. Just because she hadn't seen anything happening didn't mean it couldn't. After all, four months ago she hadn't seen her and Jasper united with our family in any determined count of years, and yet here they were. But there was a feeling growing in the center of my chest, an ache that was quickly turning to deadness: hope lost. It had been a little frustrating before, having nothing to hold onto but the word _someday_. But having Alice search and _not_ find her made it worse. _Someday_ had become _someday_ , _unless_ _something_ _changes_. _Someday, maybe, in the very, very distant future._ It felt like a sentence was being passed, a suspicion being given voice that had never been allowed before: _she will never come._

And what if she didn't? What if a thousand years passed, to find me still wandering the earth with my loved ones, alone in a crowd of happy couples? Could I bear that possibility?

I took the diamond heart out again and laid it in the grass beside me. My fingers absently continued to play the ascending and descending notes while I stared down at the diamond, examining every angle and facet inside it. It didn't seem to be as magical, out here in the sunlight. It didn't throw any rainbows, or sparkle in any mystical way… just a cold, hard gem. Beautiful, to be sure, even immortal... in a dead, inorganic way. _Like a vampire_ , I thought sullenly. Like myself—and like her, as well. Her horizon, whether or not it had yet begun, was just as endless and monotonous as my own. Did she ever think about me, like I thought about her sometimes? Did she feel incomplete without me?

It finally occurred to me why the rhythmic repetition of the new melody was bothering me. It wasn't unpleasant, exactly; if anything, it was soothing, peaceful… sleepy. It was a lullaby, I realized. I had sat down here with every intention of working out my confused feelings in musical form, and all I could come up with was a lullaby.

Well, that wasn't going to work. Vampires didn't even _sleep_.

I laid the guitar down the grass, frowning down at the diamond again. Maybe a lullaby _was_ the right musical form for this existence. It was so monotonous it did feel like sleep sometimes. Not that there weren't moments of excitement, like getting new siblings out of the blue or visiting new places. To say nothing of the occasional disasters. But our years, like our days, just stretched out ahead of us.

I had to be philosophical. I was only forty-nine years old… still quite young, by vampire standards. It was far too early for me to be giving up, assuming that I would never find love just because I hadn't found it by now. I knew several vampires who hadn't found their mate for centuries. Carlisle, for one. And the Denali sisters were a millennium into their forever, and still waiting… though their definition of waiting was quite different from my own. Still, the "thousand years" part wasn't exactly encouraging. For many of our kind, that was reality. But I was probably the only vampire bachelor who spent my life among so many _couples_.

My family was unusual in so many ways- for our diet, for our human lifestyle, for our operation as a real family, but also for the number of mated pairs. In fact, I didn't know of _any_ other coven, apart from the Volturi, that had more than one mated pair in it. So maybe it was just bad luck that I should end up waiting like this, surrounded by a sea of people in love. And now I had a brother whose gift sometimes made it painfully clear how _wonderful_ it was to be in love. I sincerely _hoped_ that Eleazar could help him get a handle on that.

But I loved my family. Occasional fits of loneliness were a small price to pay for spending eternity with them. And it didn't happen often—I supposed weddings were always a bit difficult for bachelors, especially when you have an empath around, and when you yourself are a telepath. I needed to move on from this. I needed to stop thinking of "her" like she was a real person, like she was really out there, waiting for me. Because in all likelihood, there was no "her." I picked up the diamond again, holding it against the ache in my chest. There was a part of me that longed to keep hoping… that wanted to carry this diamond in my pocket every day from now on. For as long as it took. Even if it took forever.

But hope, it seemed, was more painful than it was worth. When I went home later, I should bury the diamond deep in the jewelry box where it belonged. For now, I held it tight against my chest and let the emptiness carve its way around my heart. Yes… I needed to put the diamond away.

But not just yet.

.

.

.

I was soon distracted from my loneliness; Alice's first _Wall Street Journal_ arrived the next day. She spread its pages out on the dining room table, and then she and Carlisle made their official decision: they would both read this newspaper cover to cover, every day for the rest of their foreseeable existence. This way, if Alice wasn't able to do so, she could always see it through Carlisle's future. She spent the rest of the morning deep in her visions, coming out of it only to murmur an occasional conversation with Eleazar and Carlisle.

In the end, I never went to the meeting with the broker, which took place the next day. Carlisle would be the one making the actual investments, with Alice as the silent partner. Eleazar went as well, in case anything complicated came up. When they arrived home, Alice was brimming with excitement.

"Vending machines!" she announced, slamming the front door behind her.

I looked up from the book I was reading. "I'm sorry?"

"We're going to make a fortune, this very year, in vending machines. There's dozens of new patents being handed out lately, and we're getting in on the ground floor."

"The ground floor of what? And what's a vending machine?"

Alice took a running leap and landed right in Jasper's arms. He was sitting in a swiveling desk chair, and her momentum threw them into a spin. "It's a machine that vends, silly! You put in money, and it gives you something. Paper tablets, food, cigarettes, stamps, whatever you like. But the food is the big new one! It gives out sandwiches. Their stock is going to shoot up as soon as people realize they can put them in office buildings."

I wrinkled my nose. "That's absurd. Why would any self-respecting human get their lunch out of a machine? What about cafeterias and homemade lunches?"

"What about diners?" Jasper asked from behind Alice's hair.

"Don't look at _me_ ," Alice said disdainfully. "It's beyond me why anyone would want stale food that's been sitting in a box. But they're going to be huge. Just wait."

"You're banking our fortune on sandwich machines?"

" _Vending_ machines," she corrected. "And not just that. I've got a whole set of plans for short-term growth and long-term investment. Polaroid, IBM, Target…"

"Target?" Jasper echoed. "What's that, some kind of munitions company?"

Alice shrugged. "I have no idea. But they're cooking up something big, all right. Anyway, whoever they are, we just bought two thousand shares of their stock."

I just shook my head, looking back down at my book and trying to imagine getting a mountain lion out of a vending machine.

.

.

.

Each morning, Alice would announce our profits—which were more considerable every day—and then spend the rest of the morning deep in her visions again. By the end of the first week, she stopped announcing and starting buying.

It was little things at first. An exotic plant here, a pair of ruby earrings for Rosalie there, an absurdly expensive wristwatch for Jasper… nothing too strange. And we never even saw most of the money, that first month. Alice and Carlisle rolled over most of the early profits to make more investments in the food vending machine business and other ventures. But when Eleazar and Carmen finally left in the third week of August, something happened that made our new financial status quite clear.

"Paris," Rosalie announced, two seconds after the door shut behind Carmen.

"What about Paris, dear?" Esme asked.

"Emmett offered to take me for a night out in any city I wanted, after the Denalis left. I choose Paris."

We all blinked for a moment, and Emmett rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Paris, as in… Paris?"

Alice squeaked in excitement, closing her eyes and seeing Rosalie in white. Her eyes jerked open, blazing.

"That's a wonderful idea!" she cried. "Oh, I wish we could come to the wedding!"

"You're getting married again already?" Carlisle asked incredulously.

"He proposed during Alice and Jasper's wedding," I muttered.

"We could postpone it," Rosalie offered, glancing over towards Jasper.

"What are you talking about?" Jasper asked, his brow furrowed. "I thought you two got married in '35."

"Oh, don't bother!" Alice assured Rosalie. "I'll just watch from here and describe it to everyone."

"Good," I snorted. Carlisle burst out laughing, shaking his head.

"Oh _Emmett_ ," Rosalie sighed, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, "This is going to be so romantic! I'll be ready in ten minutes!" She blinked out of existence, followed by Alice. A second later, we heard suitcases banging around in the attic, along with their shrill chatter about clothes and the forecast in Paris tomorrow.

Emmett was still standing by the door, his hand still on the back of his head and his mouth hanging open. "Can someone please explain what just happened to me?"

"You're leaving in ten minutes," I said firmly. "You're going to Paris to get married again. Have a good time."

"Congratulations!" Esme sang, giving him a hug. "You'll get someone to take some pictures, won't you, Emmett?"

"I'm confused," Jasper growled. _They're already married!_

"It's sort of a habit of theirs," I explained. "A rather expensive one, I might add."

"Yeah…" Emmett said, looking at Carlisle. "About that. I can talk to her. We could do something else…"

Carlisle shook his head. "Don't mind the cost, Emmett. I'll give you plenty of cash along with your passports."

"But what about all that budget stuff? Being financially responsible and not racking up debt?"

"Those principles will always apply," Carlisle replied. "The numbers have just gotten larger, that's all. And besides, I think making our first million is cause for celebration."

"First _what_?" Jasper gasped. Emmett froze solid.

"That's what Alice is predicting, with this sandwich machine venture… to say nothing of our futures in Coca-Cola and something called Conocophillips."

"I thought you were already a millionaire," I said lightly.

"Well, perhaps in terms of net worth," Carlisle said with a shrug. "But much of that has always been in real estate and original art, like Eleazar said before. I've never had a million dollars in _cash_ before."

Emmett's eyes grew even wider. He was picturing himself swimming in a sea of green paper… in the living room, no less. "Can you get it in ones?"

"No!" Carlisle laughed. "I'm not going to bring it home like that. Most of it will go right back into investments, and into some special projects I have planned."

"Orphanages in Africa?" I asked with a smile.

His eyes shone with excitement. "Esme and I do have a few ideas like that… also scholarships and endowments and things. But for starters, I'm going to be opening a portfolio for each member of the family. Alice will help us all make wise investments, but I thought it might be nice for everyone to have their own little account. I want each of you to think about some good causes that you'd like to assist, as well as some investment possibilities that might interest you."

Emmett let out a low whistle. _Sure beats trekking out in a blizzard to check the traps!_ "Okay… but you'll help us, right? With picking the… stuff?"

"One day at a time, please," Esme laughed. "First you have a plane to catch! Oh, I do hope the weather in Paris cooperates for you, Emmett. It was such a shame we couldn't make it there during the war."

Carlisle picked up her hand and kissed it. "Not to steal Emmett's idea, darling, but… anytime you'd like a night out, or a week out, just name the country."

Esme drew in a quick breath. "Really?"

"Really."

She closed her eyes, her mind flipping between images of her island, a snowy mountain, the tangled jungles of India, and…

"The moon," she announced, opening her sparkling eyes to look at him. "I want you to take me to the moon."

Emmett boomed out a single laugh, but she was serious. "Esme," I said, holding back my own laughter, "I don't think they do that."

"Not now," she said with a serene smile. "Just… someday."

Carlisle drew her closer, looking just as serious as she. He closed his eyes and planted a kiss on her hair. "Someday," he promised.

.

.

.

Two days later, we all gathered in the living room and listened while Alice gave a live report on Rosalie and Emmett's wedding in Paris. It was just like listening to a radio show, except that the stars were members of our own family. I, of course, had a live television feed via Alice's mind. Which was a good thing, because I was the one translating when French was being spoken. Alice hadn't ever bothered to learn it before, since our family had never made it to France in the forties. And the audio sometimes cut out from her visions due to "decision turbulence", as she called it, so I ended up reading lips half the time. It really was bizarre, to be able to watch Rosalie and Emmett up close without hearing their minds.

"This is incredible," Esme sighed, when there was a lull. "Alice, was it always like this for you? Watching us?"

"Yep!" Alice said, jostling Jasper to find a more comfortable position in his lap. Even though they had an entire couch to themselves, they insisted on occupying the same cushion. I supposed they were making up for Rosalie and Emmett not being around—though this had been going on ever since their wedding. I didn't think Jasper had ever been embarrassed about showing affection in front of the rest of us before, per se, but now that he and Alice were officially married, he seemed more at ease with being demonstrative in "public"—though, thankfully, it was always in a more tasteful way than his siblings.

Really, he was more at ease in general. Alice's stock market adventures had been good for him. While none of us really needed more money than we already had, we couldn't all help but feel a sense of excitement as she chattered about her successes. And even Jasper, who couldn't care less about anything in the human world, was deeply impressed by the philanthropic dreams that Carlisle and Esme kept coming up with. Between the everyone's excitement, warm feelings of generosity, and the sense of awe that still filled us when we thought of our sudden influx of wealth, Jasper was literally floating in a sea of positive emotions. As a result, his battle against his thirst had been going much better over the past week. He was back to hunting every third day, and Carlisle had "graduated" him to wearing hospital gowns with dried blood on them. If he continued doing this well into next week, Carlisle promised, he would enter the next phase of desensitization: visual. As of right now, the plan was to begin driving him through town in the van, with plenty of siblings to hold him down should any problems arise. The windows would stay up.

"Oooh!" Alice exclaimed suddenly. "I can see the flowers now. I don't know how she pulled all this together in one day!"

"With a hefty tip, no doubt," I murmured.

"Quiet!" Esme said distractedly. "Alice, tell us about the flowers."

Alice launched into a vampire-speed description of the flowers, followed by the wedding, which began a few minutes afterward. They had rented a chateau well outside of the city, and Rosalie's procession took her through some kind of bird garden. We all thought it was a strange idea, what with the effect that our kind has on animals. But when Rosalie started down the "aisle", Alice and I saw why she had chosen that spot; the birds were afraid, all right, but the effect was actually breathtaking. With every step Rosalie took, another bunch of birds took flight, twittering their nervous song as they flocked upwards on either side of her. Alice and I tried to explain it to everyone else, but words were insufficient. Esme suggested that Alice try drawing it for us. It was interesting to see everyone's imagination turn Alice's quick pencil sketch into a moving picture in their minds; they all chose different colors and species of birds to imagine, so I ended up getting the best show of all.

"Now they're kissing," Alice reported after I had translated the sermon. "Now they're paying the priest. Now they're… haha!"

"What?" Carlisle asked.

I laughed along with Alice as Rosalie turned away from Emmett long enough to say, "Alice and Edward, you can stop watching now!"

.

.

.

When the wedding was over, we all drifted apart to our various hobbies. I wandered back into the living room a few hours later, out of habit. I sighed when I walked in and saw the empty space; I knew there was no piano waiting for me, but my feet kept bringing me in here.

Alice was kneeling on the floor, her tiny body scrunched over the coffee table. She was scribbling furiously, her pencil much shorter than earlier.

"What are you doing?"

"Drawing."

I sat down cross-legged beside her. "Let me see." She sat up fully, letting me go through the stack of papers that had been trapped under her elbow. She had drawn all sort of things from her visions of the wedding: one or two of the birds up close, a detailed view of the back of Rosalie's wedding gown, Emmett grinning in his tuxedo, the sunset behind the chateau.

"Alice," I said, looking up at her, "these are incredible! I didn't know you could draw."

"I didn't either!"

"Wait… are you saying this is the first time you've ever tried?"

"Mm-hmm." Alice scrunched back over her latest picture. It was Rosalie's bouquet; even in pencil, she had made the flowers seem so fresh and alive. _I guess I never really had a pencil before. I had no idea this was so fun!_

She stopped drawing when I stood up suddenly. "Where are you going?"

"To get you some more pencils!" I laughed. "At this rate, you're going to be down to a stub in less than an hour."

"Paper too, please," she murmured, focusing on her drawing again. "Bigger, if Esme has any."

I crossed paths with Carlisle on my way to find her supplies. "The house is so quiet," he said to me. "Where's Alice?"

I nodded back toward the living room, and followed him as he went to see. "She's been like that for hours," I told him quietly. "She's never drawn a single thing before today, and now she can't seem to draw enough. I think she's in love."

Carlisle shook his head slowly, smiling as he watched his daughter's wide eyes. _Incredible, isn't it? This life can seem so monotonous sometimes, but it really is full of surprises. You never know what's just around the corner._


	28. Cops vs. Vampires

**Besides telling you all again how grateful I am for such awesome reviews, I want to say a belated thank you to those of you that have been promoting my stories on Tumblr, A Different Forest, and wherever else. Thank you!**

* * *

Carlisle was off work the following Monday night, and pronounced Jasper ready for the next level of his desensitization.

"Does this mean I'm done wearing the gowns?"

"Yes. And well done, Jasper. You've come a long way."

Jasper promptly tore off the gown he wearing over his clothes. We all laughed and gave him a round of applause as he shredded the fabric with a vengeance. Alice scooped up the pieces with a distasteful grimace, and the two of them went outside for a private gown-burning ceremony.

Emmett held his hand over his heart. "It's the end of an era."

"Thank _goodness_ ," Rosalie sighed. "It'll be nice not to have human scent floating around here all the time. So what's the plan for tonight?"

"Alice has assured me that the weather will be quite cloudy the rest of the day," Carlisle replied. "We'll take the van straight into town in the early evening, after Jasper has hunted. I want him to start getting used to seeing humans again, up close. And then depending on how well that goes, we'll try coming into town at night with the windows open."

"Just like you did with me," I remembered.

"This will be much easier than that was," Carlisle said. "This time we've got a whole family to help."

Emmett cracked his knuckles, imagining himself dismembering Jasper inside the van. In his imagination, each of us held a piece until we could drive safely away from the human populace. I snorted, shaking my head at him in disbelief.

"Minus two," Esme put in. "Rosalie and I were planning on going hunting together up in Canada tonight. We haven't had a chance to do anything like that in a while, just the two of us. Unless you need us?"

"No, that's fine. Edward, Emmett, and Alice are more than capable of restraining Jasper, should any problems arise. And with Alice along, we should be able to avoid problems all together."

"It's a shame we couldn't have done this earlier," Rosalie said with a frown. "There's no way he'll be ready to start school next week, or even this semester."

Carlisle shook his head. "I don't plan on either Alice or Jasper attending school, or even existing at this location. It would be quite a large addition to the cover story." _And it might be best if Jasper stays out the public eye… just in case there's an accident._ He caught my eye at the end of his sentence.

I nodded. "I agree."

"Agree with what?" Alice asked as she and Jasper reentered the room.

"We were just discussing our cover story," Esme told them. "And how we'll probably wait until our next move to have you and Jasper be a visible part of the family."

Alice pouted. "So that's why I haven't seen myself going to school anytime soon."

Jasper frowned. _Because of me?_ _It isn't fair to keep her at home, just because I can't be trusted._

"It's not just a matter of safety, or even of trust," I told him. "It's also a matter of attracting attention. It isn't inconceivable that Carlisle and Esme would choose to adopt again in the cover story, but that sort of thing does draw attention. Especially if it was to be _two_ new children at once."

"So the next time we move, you'll have five adopted kids?" Emmett wondered. "Sounds more like an orphanage than a family."

"It does seem a bit much, doesn't it?" Esme said, turning to Carlisle. "And we appear so young, ourselves."

"May I make a suggestion?" Jasper asked.

"Of course," Carlisle said. "Remember, you're as much a part of this family as any of us now."

Jasper gave him half a smile, and a brief nod. "I'm wondering if the idea of five children might seem less incredulous if some of us were biologically related. Take Rosalie and I, for example: our coloring is quite similar, and we're both tall, and about the same age."

I wrinkled my nose. "Twins?"

Jasper shrugged. "Why not? And we're both exceptionally beautiful."

"And humble," Emmett coughed.

"You know what I mean."

"I think it's a good idea," Rosalie said, looking to Esme.

"I think so, too," she agreed. "And what about different last names? We could say that you're foster children, and we had just taken you in. It would break up the shock a bit for the humans, to see different names and to see a family that's in transition."

"It does sound more realistic," I agreed. "And it would help with some of the odd looks and thoughts that you know we're going to get when you four end up pairing off."

Jasper frowned. _I hadn't thought of that._ "What a mess," he said aloud.

"Perhaps a 'mess' is actually more believable," Carlisle offered. "These kind of situations, where adoptions and fostering are involved, are rarely picture perfect. I think breaking it up this way is quite reasonable."

Emmett hung an arm around his wife's shoulders. "So, babe, what'll it be? The Whitlock twins?"

Jasper cleared his throat, looking Rosalie in the eye. "I was thinking Hale, actually."

Rosalie's thoughts hitched and a small smile spread over her face. She looked hopefully to Carlisle. "I don't see why not," he said, and her smile grew even larger. "It's been almost twenty years since the Rosalie Hale scandal has been in the newspapers. But let's not use that name when we're living so close to New York, agreed?"

"Agreed," Rosalie said quickly. _Rosalie Hale._ _Finally!_

"I get to be Emmett's twin!" Alice piped up. "Our hair is the same, too."

I coughed out a laugh. "Now _that_ is completely unbelievable. He's what, four times your size?"

"Fraternal twins can be different," she protested. Emmett doubled over laughing, and then scooped her up and spun her around his head as she shrieked. Jasper just rolled his eyes.

Carlisle held his hands up, smiling. "We have all of eternity to try out all sorts of combinations. And this is only one scenario, in which all five of you would be going to the same school together. We could just as easily have Edward and Alice be in high school and the others in college, or Edward be Esme's brother again, or Emmett marrying into the family, like we did this time."

"I want to all go together to high school next time," Rosalie said with a frown. "That's the only way to have a decent number of years at any location."

"High school," I said with distaste. "No, thank you."

 _Oh, come on Edward!_ Alice thought. _It wouldn't be the same without you._ _And besides, I need you to help me keep an eye on Jasper, when he first starts out._

I ground my teeth and shrugged noncommittally. I had been willing to go, before, but the more I thought about it, the idea of going from medical school back to _high school_ was just detestable. But Alice was right about Jasper, and high school was definitely easier than college in terms of keeping tabs on homicidal brothers... not mention sisters who sometimes forgot to act human. And it would be a while before I felt ready to try medical school again, anyway.

"It's not like any of you _have_ to go to school," Esme said, her eyes on my deepening frown.

Jasper cocked his head. "We don't? I know that Emmett and Rosalie lived alone recently, but I thought…" _I thought they were breaking free from the coven._

"Of course not," Carlisle said. "That's just the most convenient way to do it, to explain everyone's youthful appearance. And Rosalie does have a point—the younger we all start out, the longer we can stay in a particular town. But you're all capable of making your own decisions, within reason: which level of schooling, working a job, taking time off to pursue other interests… Our kind generally prefer to occupy our time somehow, but there's never been a rule that any of us _have_ to do anything in particular. It's imperative, however, that we make these big decisions as a family, and that we're all coordinated on the final cover story."

"And what if there are… disagreements?" Jasper asked, watching Carlisle carefully.

"Then Esme and I do our part as the parents, to lead the family in the way that we think is best. And those of you that are married also have your mate's wishes to consider. Emmett and Rosalie chose to spend some time alone the past few years, just to try something new. But if they had been in disagreement with the rest of us over something major, that would have been another reason for them to go off on their own for a while, which would also be acceptable. Even with the civility that our diet brings, we sometimes need a break from each other; a vacation, or something more. It doesn't change the fact that we are family, and that we love and support each other."

Jasper nodded, still a bit curious but satisfied. He had come a long way in terms of feeling at home, but in times like this he was still mystified by the new world he found himself in. He sometimes challenged Carlisle like this, very indirectly, just to see what he would say. And while Carlisle still wasn't living up to all of Jasper's expectations in terms of leadership, he never failed to impress Jasper with his serenity and wisdom, if not his gentleness.

"Time enough to decide all of this later," Esme said. "We won't be moving for a while, anyway. Emmett's been waiting to start college for fifteen years!"

.

.

.

"You'll be _fine_ ," Alice assured Jasper again. "I see it all. We drive to town, we human-watch for a while, we come back home."

Jasper nodded, silently climbing into the van. Carlisle was driving, and Jasper was in the middle row between Emmett and Alice: Alice, to hold his hand and reassure him, and Emmett, to hold him down if there were any unexpected problems. I sat directly behind Jasper, ready to put him in a headlock at the first sign of trouble.

"Just like watching them on television," Emmett said helpfully. "It's just through a bigger screen."

Carlisle chuckled as he backed down the driveway. "I never thought about it that way."

"Relax," I added.

" _You_ relax," Jasper shot back, turning halfway to face me.

A warm calm settled over me. I took a deep breath, leaning back in the seat. It wasn't that I was nervous, exactly, just... concerned. Jasper's thirst was already warming up as he anticipated seeing his first humans in months. I didn't think it was going to be "just like watching them on television". But he wasn't thinking about it consciously, so there was no point in me saying anything; it would probably just make it worse. I touched my throat absently, accepting the burn.

Jasper had improved more than he seemed to realize, over the past few weeks. Carlisle had been bringing home gowns with more and more blood on them. It was stale, and therefore hardly smelled appetizing, but it really was the beginning of this "visual desensitization" stage, as Carlisle called it. Jasper's thirst had slowly been decreasing, and he had been hunting less often. As a result, my own throat had been far more comfortable, and I had been able to stretch out my own meals a bit further apart. I was only able to feed on deer now, in order to resist the frenzy. I kept hoping to challenge myself further with a more enticing prey, but it felt like I had hit a wall, at least concerning that particular variable. And it seemed tonight was going to be uncomfortable for both our throats, but I could manage. Every little step toward achieving better control was worth it.

"You're ready for this," I assured him. "You'll be going to school in no time."

Jasper growled his disapproval, and Alice shot me a look of annoyance over her shoulder. It was no secret that Jasper was not looking forward to playing student with the rest of us when we moved in a couple of years. But that was his goal, nonetheless, because it was what Alice wanted. I smirked back at her, pleased that my little joke seemed to have helped Jasper relax a bit.

It was almost dusk when we got into town. Carlisle trusted Alice's weather predictions, but old habits were hard to break; we just felt safer at this time of day. We didn't want anything else to worry about other than the task at hand. I silently moved my hands up to hover right behind Jasper's neck as we began passing humans.

 _Just like television_ , he was reminding himself. _They're not really this close. You can do this._

Alice's eyes were closed now. She was sweeping the immediate future constantly, and everything seemed to be going well. There were a fair amount of people out at this time of day; young mothers chatting over their fences while their children played in the yard, men mowing their lawns, people coming out of shops that were just closing, a teenage boy selling the evening newspaper on the corner, two girls in bobby socks sitting on a bench and whispering together.

"You're doing quite well, Jasper," Carlisle said, looking in the rear view mirror. "How do you feel?"

"Thirsty," Jasper answered. He drew a shallow breath, his gaze lingering on a man crossing the street beside us. "But it's easier than I thought. Emmett was right—it helps to have the glass between me and them."

"Should we roll down a window a little?" Emmett wondered aloud.

"NO!" Jasper, Alice, and I all answered at once.

"One thing at a time," Carlisle said, looking back at the road. "Even with this going as well as it is, I'd like to do this a few times before we introduce live scent. And when we do, it'll be in the middle of the night when nobody's out."

We had a full tank of gas, so there was no reason to head home anytime soon. Carlisle kept making wide circles, taking us through all different parts of town. It certainly didn't take long to get through all the streets; White River Junction was really more of a village than a town. A lot of my professors and fellow students from Dartmouth lived here, and my attention snagged on a few familiar minds as we drove around. I eventually lowered my hands back down to my lap; Jasper was breathing normally now and had finally unclenched his teeth after the first half-hour.

Only once did Alice's visions come into play. She saw Jasper hissing and sitting up straighter in his seat, about ten seconds ahead of time. In the vision, Emmett grabbed his hands and I clamped his head back to the seat, though there didn't seem to be any obvious trigger.

"Turn left here," she said casually. "I want to see what's down that street." Carlisle did as she asked, not missing a beat in his conversation with Emmett. Alice's vision of Jasper getting agitated and us restraining him disappeared immediately. She squeezed Jasper's hand, her eyes flicking back to me momentarily.

_I don't know what happened there, do you?_

I shook my head minutely. It was sort of a shame that I couldn't hear people's thoughts ahead of time in Alice's visions, for situations like this. For all we knew, we were about to drive by a man who just happened to look like one of Jasper's enemies from sixty years ago.

We went on for another ten minutes without incident. Jasper was doing fairly well in terms of not thinking about feeding on the passersby. There were a couple of times when he saw a human walking near the entrance to an alley and his throat would flare, remembering various times he had fed in alleys. But he was always quick to push those thoughts away, and I had to admit I was impressed.

It was hard to say, then, whether anyone was to blame when it happened. Alice was still watching the immediate future, though not as intently as when we first started out. Emmett still had his hands an inch away from Jasper, though he was looking up in the rear view mirror as he and Carlisle chatted about his classes that would be beginning next week. I was still watching Jasper's mind closely, but my hands weren't ready at his neck any longer.

It was a little girl on a bicycle, riding along beside her mother on the right-hand sidewalk. Either she made a sudden decision to change direction, or maybe the man walking out of the shop beside her had just decided to walk out in her path. Either way, Alice's visions gave neither of us any warning as the girl's front wheel twisted suddenly, making her tumble to the cement. It wasn't a particularly nasty fall, not really… but she had skinned both her right knee and her right elbow. The blood began to flow and Jasper lunged without thought.

We caught him in time… mostly. By the time he had finished bowling Alice over in his frantic attempt to break through the right side of the van, Emmett had caught his left leg and I had grabbed his hair. Jasper turned on us, snarling and snapping, and we latched onto him as well as we could. He went for me first, since I had his hair; a reflex from all the times his enemies had tried to behead him. I released his hair just long enough to slam my elbow into his face, doing my best to ignore his hands around my throat. I got my other elbow around his neck just as Emmett got a firm grip around his waist. Emmett's other arm crashed down, tearing Jasper's fingers off of my windpipe. We had him, but the three of us had just slammed up against the right wall of the van, my head cracking against the window; it was a miracle the glass wasn't broken right then, because that probably would've sealed all our fates. But the van was now tipping dangerously from the collision, and with all our body weight on this side it was going to _keep_ tipping.

"Hit the other side, _now_!" I ordered Alice, leaning as far inward as I could while keeping my arm around Jasper's neck. He wasn't fighting me anymore, but I didn't dare let him go.

Alice threw herself against the left side of the van, and Carlisle did his best to do the same while still in the driver's seat, scrambling against the steering wheel to try and help right us. It was enough; we slapped back down onto four wheels and Carlisle gunned the accelerator, putting some more distance between us and the girl.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" Jasper gasped, going limp in our arms. "It just happened so fast…"

"It's all right," Carlisle said quickly. "Let's get on home now."

"No, wait!" Alice cried, her eyes darting back and forth in a panic. "Slow down, Carlisle!"

Fate, it seemed, was truly against us tonight. The rear view mirror began to flash blue and red, first in Alice's mind and half a second later in reality. I looked over my shoulder to see a police car pulling out from the curb behind us. Emmett muttered an oath, letting go of Jasper and taking his seat. I waited another second before releasing him, and we both scrambled back to our seats, as well. Carlisle nudged the brake and glanced down to check the speedometer; he had been speeding in his haste to get away from the girl, but not excessively. _Oh, please, not now…_ "Edward? What are they thinking? Edward!"

"Give me a second!" I growled. I turned again to look at the policemen, trying to grab hold of their unfamiliar minds in the sea of thoughts around me. The one in the passenger seat was trying to reconcile the tipping with the possibility of a blowout, and the driver was trying to piece together his own version of events. He had seen us tip and swerve, and a girl falling off her bike...

_Did they hit her?_ _And didn't I see that van drive by a couple times earlier?_

I snarled in frustration, cursing the unreliability of human memories. It had only happened seven seconds ago, and he was already bungling what he had seen! But now he was squinting, trying to see inside the van in the half-light. He leaned toward his companion, asking if he thought we had hit the girl. The other man shook his head, assuring him it hadn't happened that way. And besides, vans didn't just tip over onto two wheels for no reason.

"I was thinking blowout," he said. "But that doesn't make sense. Had to be some kinda explosion in their fuel line. They're gonna have an engine fire if they don't pull over."

I laughed in angry disbelief. "They're _worried_ about us. They think there was an explosion in our fuel line which caused us to tip, and now they think we need to pull over before we catch on fire." My sentence was punctuated by the wail of the cruiser's siren as the driver flipped it on. The other policeman was already writing down our tag number in a little notebook. " _And_ they've got our license plate," I said through my teeth. I slammed my fist down into the seat, tearing right through the fabric.

Emmett cussed again, louder this time. _This is either gonna end up being really funny or really sad..._

"Alice?" Carlisle asked. "What if we let them pull us over? Since we're not in trouble, will they let us keep the window up while we talk?"

Alice bit her lip, and I shuddered at the vision that was now unfolding. Despite the fading dusk, they wouldn't even need a flashlight to see the struggle going on in the back of the van: three people trying to hold back a raving lunatic with blond hair and black eyes. And they would have had an up-close view of Carlisle's face by then; slaughter or not, they would connect the oddness back to the Cullen name. "It doesn't matter," she said with a sigh. "We can't get pulled over. No way." Jasper tensed beside her, trying to guess what her vision had contained. He clenched his fists and closed his eyes, telling himself not to think about it.

"Edward, move to the back," Carlisle said tightly. "Give them a friendly wave and tell them we're fine."

I hunched down and flashed into the back seat, sitting up slowly as if I had been there the whole time. I waved and smiled calmly out the rear windshield. _We're okay_ , I mouthed to them. I nodded and gave another wave, turning back around.

 _Don't these idiots know anything about automobiles?_ _'_ _Course I'd expect something to go wrong, buying foreign like that,_ the driver thought with an intolerant sigh. He accelerated a bit, rolling down his window and waving his arm toward the curb.

"No good," I reported to Carlisle. Unbelievable. How were we going to get out of this one?!

Carlisle's eyes flashed from the rear view mirror to the road, and back again. Then he hit the gas for all it was worth and turned out onto the main thoroughfare.

"Not gonna work," Emmett said, shaking his head. "Not in this thing. Rose has been trying, but she's never gotten it to go above eighty-five."

"I don't need to outrun them," Carlisle said distractedly. "I just need to lose them long enough for us to get Jasper out and—"

"No, NO!" Alice wailed. She saw Jasper struggling against us in an alley, the noise drawing a crowd. Now Jasper began to panic, seeing Alice lose her composure.

 _We're not going to be able to outrun them._ _They'll corner the van, and when the door opens… when the door opens…_ Venom flooded his mouth, and blood-drenched fantasies flooded his mind.

"Emmett," I said sharply, moving back to my original seat. "Get Jasper." Emmett grabbed him again, locking his huge arms around Jasper's chest and pinning his arms down. Jasper tried not to fight him this time, but the siren was literally a _siren_ now—a beautiful song promising blood, coming closer and closer. Alice grabbed his feet just before he stomped a hole in the floor of the van.

"Shh, Jazz, shh! It's okay. Shh, look at me, okay? I'm right here." She began humming, rubbing his arm with one hand as she gripped his knees with her other arm.

"I'm _trying_!" he snapped back at her, struggling against Emmett's arms. At least he wasn't turning to bite; that was good.

"Alice!" I hissed. "Not now! We need to get out of this."

We were running out of options, and fast. Carlisle couldn't even get up to sixty, not with the other cars that dotted the main road. When a red light loomed ahead he swung onto a side street, looking for alleys that we could possibly pull Jasper into. Alice was the only one whose up-close description wouldn't be recognized, but she had never really learned to drive…

"Doesn't matter," I said in a rush. "Can't do the alley thing at all. He can't leave the van."

Carlisle clenched his teeth, his mind scrambling for alternatives. His turn had bought us a few seconds, but had made our predicament worse. The policemen had now realized that we were purposely evading them and sped up to catch us, sounding their horn along with their siren. Alice had released Jasper's legs and had her fists scrunched into her hair. She was trying out one wild idea after another, the visions blinking in and out of existence so fast I couldn't keep up. Not that I wanted to, since most of them involved Jasper feasting on the policemen, or worse. Suddenly her eyes flashed open and she turned to Emmett.

"Hold him," she said simply. "Hold him with _everything_ you have." Emmett shifted Jasper onto his lap like a rag doll, wrapping his left leg around Jasper's knees. Alice closed her eyes once more, seeing herself running in what looked like an alley, and then a flash of trees zooming by the van. She opened her eyes and leapt for the handle, wrenching the door wide open.

"ALICE!" I roared, but there was no time. Jasper was gasping now, twisting wildly against Emmett's grip as the new air burst over him.

She turned and fixed her eyes on mine. "Follow me!" she ordered, and jumped. _Trust me, Edward!_ _Jump out, NOW!_

I exchanged an incredulous look with Carlisle and jumped out. Alice was running at a human pace away from the van, and toward another side street. _Toward_ the oncoming police car.

"Have you utterly lost your _mind_?!" I hissed, running after her. I took one quick glance back at the van—Carlisle had somehow gotten the door shut again–and continued running.

_I think I know what she's doing, Edward. Make it good!_

"Help!" Alice cried, waving her arms at the oncoming police cruiser. "He's after me! Oh, HELP!" She aimed for the side street at a human sprint.

I ran my hands through my hair, unable to believe I was even _in_ this situation. But I saw what she was about, too. And it might just work—the shadows of twilight were on our side now. I began to run after her, turning my face just enough so my profile wasn't obvious in their headlights.

"Get back here NOW!" I shouted, pretending to make a grab for her. Then I closed my eyes in revulsion and, at the top of my lungs, called my sister a horrible, ghastly word. I lunged for her again, and she tripped gracefully, tumbling across the pavement like a gymnast.

We were just out of sight of the policemen now, and they were completely confused. The driver slowed almost to a stop, unsure whether he should follow the crazy van or the girl in imminent danger. He made his choice, spinning the steering wheel to follow us with one hand and calling on the radio for backup with the other. Alice gave me a triumphant nod as we saw a vision of Carlisle driving the van under a thick canopy of trees that couldn't possibly be in town. The picture was a bit fuzzy with uncertainty, but shimmering with the urgency of an "almost here" vision.

"I can't believe that worked," I breathed. "How did you—"

"Not yet," she warned, nodding toward the oncoming police car. We resumed the chase, running just slowly enough to lead the cruiser as far from the others as possible. It was almost absurd _how_ slow we were running, and how I never quite managed to catch her. But I supposed it was credible enough, considering how small the blocks were and how often we jumped out of sight. The policeman in the passenger seat had his window down now, and his gun drawn, but Alice and I were so close together he never risked taking the shot. At one point, we got too near the other police car, which was in constant radio contact with the one following us as it zoomed back from whatever patrol it had been on. Our pursuers began to think about giving up the chase in order to go look for the van, since they were still the closest to where it had last been seen. This would leave us free to escape the second car, but we couldn't have the first car hightailing it back to look for the van, which was as slow as molasses.

"They're thinking about going back for the van," I said quickly. Before Alice could come up with a plan to test, I lunged and caught her, throwing her against the brick wall of the nearest building. I stalked towards her slowly, waiting for the police car to get a little closer, and then I grabbed her again, this time by the throat. She kneed me right in the groin to break free.

"That was _completely_ unnecessary," I choked out, limping after her and for once, not acting.

_Just trying to make it real!_

Once we were satisfied, we ducked into another alley and made a mad dash out of town, using Alice's visions to find the best route. We ran straight home. We didn't speak the entire time; all of Alice's focus was on Jasper now. We watched as he calmed down, but agreed to stay in Emmett's grip for the time being. Carlisle wove his way through the darkest streets, finally driving out of town to the northwest.

Alice and I finally ran into our yard, to find Esme and Rosalie still away. I stopped on a dime, running both my hands through my hair and letting out a huge breath.

I didn't _ever_ want to see a police car again.

* * *

**This scene will be directly continued in the next chapter. This last line was so ironically funny, I just had to end it there. Poor Edward, the only vampire in the world with a human cop for a father-in-law! :)**


	29. Turbulence

Alice and I watched through her visions as Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper debated what to do about the van. They soon came to the conclusion that it would have to be gotten rid of, since I had told them earlier that the policemen had gotten our license plate number. And even if the van hadn't been registered to Carlisle and Esme–which it was—there were only so many Volkswagen Type Two's in the area. In fact, I didn't recall having seen more than two other ones this whole summer. It wouldn't have taken them long to track down who had recently bought one. Carlisle was torn between simply abandoning it and crashing it at the bottom of a ravine.

_"I vote crashing," Emmett said, finally letting go of Jasper._

_"No, abandon it," Jasper argued. "This incident will have raised enough questions as it is. Adding an accident and an explosion will only attract more interest."_

_Carlisle nodded. "That's probably true. Edward, if you and Alice are watching, I want you to call the police and report the van as stolen. Say we all took a day trip after my shift last night, and that you just got home and discovered the theft."_

_"This family gets weirder all the time," Emmett grumbled. "Now we're talking to people who aren't even here."_

_"It's not the time for jokes, Emmett," Carlisle said quietly. "I want you and Jasper to go over every inch of the van while I'm driving. Collect all of our personal items and erase any sign of unusual… well, anything."_

_"Ha! Does an Alice-shaped dent in the door constitute… sorry, not time for jokes. Got it."_

_Jasper sighed, getting down on his hands and knees to start smoothing out some of the damage made by our struggle earlier. "I'm sorry about all this."_

_"Don't give it another thought, Jasper. Our family has dealt with all sorts of delicate situations in the past, and this is no different."_ Carlisle began repeating his instructions to me about calling the police, in case Alice hadn't been watching the first time.

"No different," I snorted, walking into the house. "We only got chased by the _police_. Rosalie's going to be beside herself."

"It wasn't Jasper's fault."

"Of course it wasn't his fault!" I snapped, spinning to face her. "What did you _think_ was going to happen when someone bled right in front of him?!"

Alice jerked back a step, hurt in her eyes. "You know I was watching as hard as I could."

"As well you should! It's _your_ fault he's such a wreck!" Alice opened her mouth to protest but I shook my head fiercely, picking up the phone and calling the police station. After giving them my name and address, I told them Carlisle's story.

"A Volkswagen Type Two, you say?"

"Yes, light green. Why, has someone found it?"

A muffling sound came as the clerk put his hand over the phone, and I strained to overhear what he and his coworkers were saying. Of all the times not to be able to hear thoughts! I only caught a few words before the clerk moved his hand away to speak to me again.

"May I speak to the owners of the van, please?"

I clenched my teeth and looked at Alice, who shrugged helplessly. "They just left," I began, scrambling for an explanation. "They're out looking for it. A van that size is pretty hard to hide, after all."

A pause. "They went to go look for the van, and left their son to call the cops?"

I ran my hand back through my hair in exasperation. "Well, it was really _my_ van. I mean, it's in their name because they pay the insurance, but it was a gift…" _Stupid_ , I thought harshly. Why would anybody buy their son a van?

"I hope you can get it back," I added in a mournful, younger voice. "I was going to take a road trip with some friends later this week."

"We'll call if we hear anything. And when your parents get back, please tell them it's best to let the police handle this sort of thing. Going off alone to find a stolen vehicle might lead them into trouble." His voice was sharp with warning, but I decided it was best not to ask what he meant. No doubt they would double their efforts to find the van, now that they had to worry about a couple of innocent townspeople approaching a criminal. Not to mention the mystery girl who was now missing and at the mercy of a second criminal. Fantastic.

"I will."

"And please have them call if they have any more information."

"Of course, sir. Thank you."

I hung up, turning to Alice again. "You'll need to keep a sharp eye, in case they decide to come to the house."

She folded her arms across her chest, scowling up at me. "Oh, so _now_ you trust me?"

"I didn't mean it that way, Alice," I sighed.

"Then what did you mean? How is this _my_ fault?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, silently cursing my adolescent mouth. "Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just been a difficult evening. All I meant was that perhaps it wasn't the best idea to take him a thousand miles away from civilization in the first place. If he had stayed around humans while learning the new diet, maybe his control wouldn't have plummeted like it did."

"He would have killed more people!"

"Maybe, maybe not. The point is that when you found him, he could at least be _around_ people. Now it's going to be a miracle if we can ever get him to go to school, or let him hunt alone, or anything."

"I did the best I could! It's not like I could call up Carlisle and ask for his advice on the matter."

"Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why didn't you ever… you know, call us, let us know you were out there?"

She shook her head. "What would I have said? That you'd never met me, but that I was a part of your family through my magic visions? Believe me, I thought about doing it now and then. The results were pretty funny."

"Funny," I scoffed. "I can think of a few times where it would have been nice to have a little warning, even if it did come from a mysterious caller."

"I didn't even see most of Emmett's accidents happen! It's not like he _decided_ to have them."

"I'm not talking about Emmett," I said darkly.

Alice slowly unfolded her arms, her defensive pout turning into real sadness. _I thought about it, you know, back in '27. I thought about trying to stop you. I decided to._

My breathing stopped. "And?"

She locked her mind down, refusing to show me anything. She shook her head. _It doesn't matter. And I always knew you would come back, anyway._

Some acidic part of my brain wanted to demand that she show me—to see what _other_ ways I could have possibly bungled my existence. But the rest of me, the cowardly part, won out, relieved that we were too busy to dwell in the past just now. I brushed past her, going back outside to stand on the porch.

"Let's check in on the others."

But Alice's vision was a mush of colors. "I can't get them," she said, opening her eyes. "They must be deciding where to leave the van."

"What about the policemen, the ones who were chasing us? I want to see where they are."

"I don't have them."

"You saw them, didn't you? I thought you could access anyone's future after meeting them."

"It's not like I got to _know_ them." She stared off into space again, finally getting a grab on Jasper a momental later. They were running now, Jasper practically wedged between Carlisle and Emmett. Alice nervously peeked further ahead, but their run hone was clear and without incident.

"Maybe I should go to the Police Station and spy a bit," I said absently. Alice snapped out of her visions, and I had to say it again. She shook her head.

"You should stay here, in case the police call back."

"Are they going to?"

"No, but one of them might decide to do it later…"

I laughed once, shaking my head bitterly as I stared out into the night. It was almost funny. Our family was a huge group of powerful immortals, we had no less than _three_ supernatural talents at our disposal, and yet we had _still_ managed to get ourselves into trouble. Alice was on her way to singlehandedly turning us into billionaires, and yet she had no idea if the phone would ring tonight or not.

"Can you at least see if we get run out of town tomorrow?" I had meant it to sound like a joke, but it came out more like a scathing taunt.

Alice stomped her foot. "I'm doing the best I can!" _What's the matter with you tonight!?_ She jerked her vision forward, throwing the images at me. Just a few pictures of our family, with the familiar walls of our house behind us. Before I could say anything else, she went back into the house and slammed the door in my face.

I sighed, leaning back against the door and letting my head tip back against the wood, as well. "Alice…"

_What?!_

"I'm sorry."

The door jerked open so fast that I tumbled back a step, right into my sister. Her arms went around me in a flash, crushing the breath right out of my lungs. "Me too," she whispered into my shirt. I sighed again, awkwardly letting one arm wrap around her tiny shoulders.

She pulled away after a moment, searching my dark eyes. _Seriously, what's wrong?_

"Nothing. It's just been a difficult night."

"No, you've been cranky for weeks now. Is it Jasper? His thirst, I mean?"

I smiled tiredly. "Well, it hasn't exactly been a picnic."

"I didn't think of that," she said sadly. "When we came. I didn't realize that your gift would relay that. I mean, I figured there would be challenges, bringing him when his control was still so bad. But I didn't realize it would affect you like this. And I certainly didn't think there would be car chases involved!"

.

.

.

Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper got home twenty minutes later. They had left the van parked behind an abandoned warehouse down in Brattleboro: the opposite direction from our house. I quickly filled Carlisle in on my conversation with the police. After more apologies from Jasper and after being slapped on the back and congratulated by Emmett for my acting skills, I announced that I was going back into town to spend the rest of the night by the police station.

 _I wish I could come too_ , Jasper thought to me as I left. _This is the kind of situation my gift could actually be useful in._

"Next time," I promised him with a nod, and broke into a run. Carlisle didn't want me to take any of the cars; the last thing we needed was for another of our vehicles to turn up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I hid myself inside a clump of bushes lining the police station's tiny parking lot. Sure enough, our little incident was the talk of the night. Two more patrol cars had been brought in from Hanover, plus a detective. The priority was finding the girl who had been chased out of sight, but the police in all the surrounding counties were also out looking for the van. After about an hour, two familiar mental voices joined the others: the two policemen who had been pursuing Alice and me. I perked up and paid special attention after that.

My biggest worry was that I had been recognized, having lived in the area for a while. I hadn't gotten that impression from either of them at the time, but it was possible they would give an accurate enough description that my identity could be deduced. And I had been seen by them twice: once as I waved out the back of the van, and again as Alice and I gave our little performance.

But this time, their fallible human memories worked to our advantage. Neither man had caught my hair color in the evening dimness—they were guessing brown—and neither one had a particular memory of my face. And when they gave my description to the detective, they described me as being at least six foot six; compliments of the tiny girl I had been chasing. Then there was the fact that I had been the one to place the call to the police, too soon after the fact to have possibly been the man they had just been pursuing.

Carlisle's reputation was also helping. It didn't seem to be occurring to any of them that bright young Dr. Cullen could have had anything to do with all this, and that the van must really have been stolen by the criminals earlier in the day. The only real problem, it seemed, was that the case would have to remain open; this left the risk of the police coming to the house at any moment to ask more questions. There was really no way to assure them that the girl was actually quite safe. I just hoped that her description didn't lead anyone back the Cullen name. Most of her outings so far had been shopping with either Esme or Rosalie, and that was usually in Hanover.

The van was found at 2:30 a.m. Carlisle had left the key in the ignition, and so it was driven back up to be inspected. My brothers had done their best to smooth over the evidence of our struggle, but the police were baffled at how some of the interior could have "melted" like it did. And when they found the hole I had punched in my seat, they spent a good half hour ripping up the fabric of _all_ the seats and rooting through the rest of the van, positive they would find some kind of weapons or drugs. They were further baffled by the two policemen's account of the van tipping over mysteriously, and by the fact that they couldn't find a single fingerprint anywhere. Just before four o'clock, a reporter came by sniffing for a statement.

By the time I left at sunrise, the consensus was that whoever had been driving the van had managed to collect both the girl and her attacker, and that they had ditched the van in Brattleboro in favor of another, less obvious vehicle. The detective and the extra patrol cars had already made their way down there to begin their fruitless search for more leads. There didn't seem to be any plan yet about questioning Carlisle any further, and they wouldn't be returning the van to us immediately. The detective wanted to take another look at it when he got a chance.

But on the run home, I was plagued by new worries. What with the girl still missing, the story was sure to be all over town by this afternoon. What if Alice's description stirred some memories from the times she had been out shopping, and _that_ connected the incident back to the Cullen name? What if someone else besides the policemen had seen me waving out the back of the van, and came forward as a witness? What if the police or some reporter decided to drop in and ask some more questions, and neither Alice or I were around to get Jasper out in time?

When I got home, it looked like Esme and Rosalie had just beaten me there, because Carlisle and Emmett were explaining the whole thing over again. Rosalie and Jasper were looking very much like twins indeed, both standing stiffly with their arms folded across their chests. Neither one was breathing, and their faces were inscrutable. If only their _minds_ could have been inscrutable. Jasper was wishing we had just let him kill the policemen, and Rosalie was fiercely telling herself that dismembering Jasper would _not_ solve anything.

"We need to move," I announced as I walked in. The conversation died away and everyone turned to look at me.

"What did you hear?" Carlisle asked grimly.

I repeated everything I had overheard, and then listed all the worst-case scenarios I had come up with on the run home. When I had finished, everyone was silent for a moment, and then everyone started talking at once.

"Quiet," Carlisle said, raising his hands. "Alice, do you foresee any trouble with the police happening today?"

She shook her head. "I've been watching all night. Nothing, not even a glimmer. But that doesn't mean they won't change their minds later."

"Or that some other witness might decide to come forward and change their minds for them," I reminded them caustically.

"Did you hear anyone thinking your name at all during the incident?" Carlisle asked. "Or see anyone picturing Alice with Rosalie or Esme?"

"Well, no, but I could have missed it. And even if they didn't at the time, it doesn't mean they won't put two and two together later- especially once they read about it in the newspaper today."

"I don't think anyone would have recognized either of us," Alice said thoughtfully. "It was pretty dark when we finally got out of the van. And I didn't see or smell any humans nearby when we were running. Did you hear anyone besides the policemen react to our little drama?"

I angrily ran my hand back through my hair and began pacing. "No, but you're missing the point. We should leave, regardless. There are too many loose ends here, and they already know the van was ours. And the last thing we need is a human coming to the house, even if they're just coming to ask a few questions."

Rosalie shook her head. "I think we should stay."

I barked out a mirthless laugh. "Of course _you_ do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, her eyes narrowing.

"You always want to stay! You always want to pretend that we're a normal human family, when we're _not_ , Rosalie. Sometimes you have to actually set aside your precious plans for the good of everyone else!"

"Edward," Alice hissed in a warning tone. _Stop!_

Rosalie's teeth bared slightly. _Just because you ruined your college career at this location doesn't mean I shouldn't get a chance! And Emmett—_

"Are you even listening to yourself?" I snarled, taking a step closer to her. "I seem to remember having _my_ education interrupted because _someone_ decided to go on a murder spree!"

"We were going to move anyway!" she hissed, moving forward as well.

I was about to respond with a fierce "because of _you_ ", but Carlisle gripped my shoulder at the same moment that Emmett grabbed Rosalie's. I snapped my teeth together to stop the words and allowed myself to be pulled back.

"Enough, both of you!" Esme said sharply, stepping between us. "Let's just get this figured out, without fighting, _please_."

Jasper gripped his sides more tightly, struggling against the tension in the room. _We wouldn't have half of these problems if they had just let me feed. They want to bend over backwards for a bunch of humans, when they're half-dead anyway. Why not just kill those who might implicate us and be done with it?_

"I can't believe you just thought that," I snapped, turning in Carlisle's grip to face him.

"I'm just being practical," he shot back. _If I thought I could control myself, I could still take care of it. A few well-placed deaths down in Brattleboro would go a long way toward helping this thing blow over, at least in terms of our involvement. The rest of you could make sure to be out in public while I—_

"Are you _completely_ missing the point of this whole thing?!"

_I didn't say I was going to DO it. We both know it would end in a massacre._

"What, like last night almost did?"

Carlisle's grip on my shoulder tightened into a vice. _Edward, enough! What's gotten into you?!_

I drew a deep, shuddering breath, releasing the claws that my hands had twisted into. "Sorry," I ground out through my teeth. When his grip didn't change, I stood up straighter and drew a deeper breath; when had I sunk down into an attack posture? I breathed again, forcing all my muscles to relax. "I'm sorry," I said again in a normal voice. He finally released me, turning to the others.

"I don't think we necessarily need to leave. Alice will have warning both in the case of someone coming to the house, or in the case of something bigger. And I think the police will be focusing more on Brattleboro now, since that's where the criminals supposedly changed cars."

"But wouldn't it be better to be safe than sorry?" Esme wondered.

Carlisle shook his head. "Staying might actually be safer, in this case. Right now it looks like we're not being suspected of anything. A sudden departure on our part would only serve to draw their attention back to us."

"Why would it matter what they thought after that?" Jasper asked. "We'd be gone."

"It matters because we're using the Cullen name at this location," Carlisle explained. "If we give them any real fodder for suspicion, there's no telling how long our name would be circulated in association with what, by all appearances, is a kidnapping case or worse. And even without the name, it would make it difficult for us to live anywhere in the country for a while. As of right now, the police aren't associating us with the crime. But if we give them reason to begin suspecting us, our physical descriptions, possibly even pictures, would be circulated along with our name."

"I'm sorry about the kidnapping thing," Alice sighed. "It was the only option that seemed like it had a chance of success. I didn't think about what other consequences might come of it."

"But just think of the consequences if you hadn't done it," Carlisle said, laying a hand on her shoulder. "You saved at least two lives last night, Alice, and I'm so relieved that you found _any_ solution. Dealing with the aftermath is a small price to pay."

Jasper ground his teeth together, thinking again of the meal he had almost had, and of the trouble that could have been avoided. _Maybe I could convince Rosalie, if the others aren't willing to do what needs to be done. I'll bet those two policemen from last night are down there too..._

"Drop it," I warned him under my breath.

"What was that, Edward?" Carlisle asked, turning back to me.

I shook my head, my eyes still locked with Jasper's. He finally looked away in irritation, giving up on his plan. If he hadn't been the cause of our troubles, I doubted that he would have given up so easily.

"So we watch and wait," Carlisle continued on, looking around at the others again. "Alice and Edward, you'll both need to stay close to home these next couple of days—both to avoid being seen, and to give us warning if anyone decides to approach the house."

"I still think we should cut our losses and move," I said tightly.

"Only if it becomes necessary," Carlisle said. "We'll soon know which way the wind is blowing. I think if Alice still doesn't see anything happening by the end of the week, we'll be in the clear."

"I don't see us leaving," Alice said, her eyes far away.

"Good," Rosalie said loudly, sending me a threatening glare before storming out of the room. If there had been a human in her path, he would have fainted dead away just from the look on her face.

"It's settled for now, then," Esme announced. "And I think we should all just take it easy the rest of the day, and give each other some space." Her eyes flickered over to mine worriedly, but her face was quickly replaced by Emmett as he stepped between us, glaring down at me.

_The next time you want to pick on her like that, let me know ahead of time so I can rip your tongue out and burn it. Get me?_

I nodded curtly. He moved on, letting his shoulder slam into mine on the way out.

 _"Know which way the wind is blowing",_ Jasper was thinking. _Unbelievable. And so much for the democratic process._

I snorted out a cynical laugh. "Did you just invoke murder and democracy in the same conversation?" He responded by stalking out of the room, again looking very much like Rosalie's twin. Alice scampered after him, worried that he was feeling guilty. I was left standing alone with Carlisle and Esme.

Carlisle waited until Jasper was outside. "Anything we need to know about?"

"I don't think so."

"And you?"

"What?"

Carlisle shared a look with Esme, and the same thought: _It's been a stressful evening for him. He shouldn't have gone alone to the police station._

"I'm fine," I said lightly. "And yes, it's been a stressful evening, for all of us."

"Why don't you go out for a quick hunt?" Carlisle suggested, noting my eye color. _I could come with you._ _We haven't gone together in a while..._

"You just said you wanted me to stay home today."

"Just for an hour or so. I'll have Alice keep a sharp eye while we're gone." _I really think you should hunt, son. You're not quite yourself. None of us are, I suppose. But I imagine Jasper's thirst was especially difficult for you last night._

I stared back at him, forcing myself to breath evenly. "All right," I said finally. "But you should stay here, in case the police call about the van." Before he could answer I spun on my heel and headed out, pretending I couldn't hear the hurt in his mind.

* * *

**Well, as you've probably guessed, we're about to hit the emotional climax of the story—of the series, actually, in terms of Edward's identity, his guilt, and his relationship with Carlisle. The next couple chapters are going to be very difficult for Edward, but after this last angst mountain I promise the rest of the story will be relatively angst-free. Unfortunately since we're dealing with pre-canon character development, I can't bring him to quite as healthy a place as I would like to. Some of that will have to wait until the Epilogue, and many of his flaws and quirks are there to stay. But I think you'll like where this story ends up, nonetheless.**

**Also a note about Jasper here: he doesn't dislike Carlisle. He respects him, in many ways, and is glad to be where he is. He's just still trying to sort out how he feels about Carlisle's leadership, especially in terms of gentleness vs. strength (plus he's just in a bad mood because of the police thing). At this point he views Carlisle as something like a human superior officer (a very positive relationship, per his cloudy memory) as well as a friend to whom he owes a great deal. I'm honestly not sure if he ever quite comes to see Carlisle as his father... probably more of a father-in-law, in the end. I do hope to have a sweet moment between those two before this story is done, in order to show Jasper having a bit more faith in his leadership.**


	30. Defeat

After I had hunted, I spent the rest of the day in my room with my gift anxiously stretched to the limit. Alice was holding her own vigil in her and Jasper's room, sitting frozen on their bed and constantly sweeping our futures. But she wasn't anxious at all. It was almost like a game to her- either because she didn't care where we lived, or because of Jasper's constant influence.

I was a nervous wreck, myself. I sat motionless on the edge of my couch while I listened, my left hand flipping the diamond heart over and over, faster and faster. I had never put it away, like I had resolved to; it had been in my pocket ever since the day I had found it. Each morning when I changed clothes, I glanced at the drawer where the jewelry box was kept, and decided to put it away tomorrow. It was silly to keep it out, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to part with it yet. Keeping it out like this only served to remind me of the emptiness in my chest, but some other part of me felt that putting it away was equivalent to giving up. I had been about ready to do it, yesterday, but now we were in the middle of a crisis. Giving my hands something to do was therapeutic.

Why was I so anxious? It wasn't like we hadn't dealt with this kind of thing before. It had been far worse, back when we had scrambled to get out of Thunder Bay in 1936. Emmett and Rosalie had actually been _seen_ carrying the corpse away from our neighbor's house- though from a distance, thankfully. They took care of the body and we did our best to make it look like we had actually left a few days earlier: rotten fruit in a bowl on the table, a stack of unopened mail in the mailbox, and so on. It was sheer dumb luck that Carlisle hadn't been scheduled to work that weekend. We had taken a different surname in Wyoming, just in case, but Carlisle had ordered enough newspapers from Thunder Bay in the months that followed to know that we had never been truly connected to the incident, other than in the gossip columns.

We had handled our departure from Tennessee the year before quite a bit differently. Emmett had killed right on our front porch, with no one to see. It had been one of Carlisle's coworkers, dropping by with a friendly plate of cookies since Carlisle had been "sick" for so long. It was a grim task, taking the man's body back to his house and burning the place out. We made sure that the cookies stayed unburned, sitting innocently in the parlor, ready to be taken to the Cullens'… just in case he had mentioned his idea to someone. I was the only one who knew the extent of Carlisle's sorrow as he went to work the next day, pretending to be shocked along with everyone else about his friend's death. He set up a foundation in memory of Emmett's victim and made a few anonymous deposits. Once the excitement had died down, we quietly packed up and left town.

These things happened. We did what had to be done. So why was I so nervous this time, when nobody had even died? I supposed it was because I was the one who had been seen this time, along with Alice. It would probably be best if the two of us stayed out of the public eye for a while, if we ended up not moving. It was harder on her, really: she was the one who liked to be out and about. I was perfectly content to avoid showing my face in town for the next month or so. Maybe my anxiety was coming from Jasper's suggestion- he wanted to take "do what has to be done" to a whole new level. There might come a day when that sort of dilemma would be required, but this wasn't it. I did feel some relief at his willingness to play that role- and no doubt Rosalie _would_ be willing to help him, when and if that time came. Until now, I was the one who had carried that burden- of having both the control and the cold-heartedness to kill an innocent to protect the family. I was happy to pass that burden onto the Hale twins, as they would soon be calling themselves. I could only hope that day would never come, when one of us had made such a blatant mistake that such an act would become necessary.

This wasn't too bad, really. Today's newspaper had contained only the briefest mention of the incident, asking for any information regarding the whereabouts of a pair matching the description they had of Alice and I- which, thankfully, was quite a bit off in my case. No mention of the van, since it had already been recovered, and no mention of the Cullen name. We were just a wealthy local family who happened to have a brand new van that had attracted the attention of some unsavory characters. In fact, maybe we could use that somehow… yes. Maybe we could steal a van of our own, somewhere south of Brattleboro, and then abandon it, maybe down in Massachusetts… that would draw the interest of the police even further south, and send them off on a wild goose chase. Maybe we could hide some drugs in the seat, to really throw them off…

I was deep in planning when the phone rang downstairs.

"Police," Alice called. "Just about the van." She was already downstairs. I took the stairs in one bound, landing silently beside the others as Esme answered the phone.

"Good evening, Ma'am. We're just calling to let you know we found your vehicle."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Esme said in her best syrupy-housewife voice. "Thank you so much, officer! I do hope it wasn't damaged?"

The officer paused only briefly. "There was some damage to the seats, but nothing major." I snorted, shaking my head. "It may be a couple of days before you can come pick it up," he continued apologetically. "There's a little investigation going on, and the detective needs some time to examine the vehicle further."

"Investigation?" Esme asked innocently. "I don't understand. If you've gotten the van back, doesn't that mean you've already arrested the thieves?"

"Nothing for you to worry about, ma'am. We'll call again when it's ready to be picked up."

"All right. And thank you again." Esme hung up and turned to Alice.

"Nothing new," she reported, her eyes coming back into focus.

"I should go down there again," I said.

Esme shook her head. "Carlisle wanted you to stay here for now."

"Alice can keep watch. Besides, nobody's going to come in the middle of the night. And I have an idea. Emmett and I could-" I trailed off as the phone rang again. My hand twitched toward the receiver, but no one else moved; the ringing had come from Alice's mind.

"Who's calling now?" I asked her.

She closed her eyes, listening ahead. "Carlisle… for you."

"This is great," Emmett laughed. "We'll never have to answer a wrong number or a telemarketer again!"

"Shut _up_ , Emmett!" Rosalie and I hissed together. The phone finally rang and I snatched it up. "No news here," I said as soon as the receiver touched my ear. "The police just called to say they found the van, but aren't releasing it yet."

"Did they say anything about the investigation?"

"They mentioned it, but won't discuss it with us."

Carlisle sighed. "That's a good sign, I think. But I'd like you to come up here, immediately."

Everyone stiffened and drew closer to the telephone. "Why?" I asked sharply. I glanced at Alice, but she just shrugged.

"I heard my name being whispered a couple of times tonight, by one of the other doctors. It's probably nothing, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd like you to meet me in the cafeteria- that's where he is right now."

"I'm on my way." I hung up and flashed into the kitchen to get my keys. Emmett was right on my heels.

_What idea?_

"Later," I said on my way into the garage. "But you're going to love it."

.

.

.

A few minutes later, I strolled into Cottage Hospital and followed my nose to the cafeteria. It smelled even worse than a high school one. There was more hot food, for one thing, and more kinds of it. When combined with the smell of humans just getting off twelve-hour shifts and the traces of bodily fluids and illness that clung to everyone, it was just plain disgusting.

Carlisle was just coming out of the stairwell. He nodded to greet me, his eyes darting meaningfully to a pair of doctors sitting nearby. One was Ken, who ran the graveyard shift in the E.R. and was Carlisle's boss. The other was younger, probably a resident.

 _The younger one_ , Carlisle thought as he walked toward me. _Scott Farris, a third year resident. I was too far away to overhear anything except my name, but I could tell he was whispering._

I frowned, taking a suspicious second look at the younger doctor. There were only two situations in which humans tended to whisper: when they were trying not to disturb someone, and when they were gossiping. His mind wasn't on Carlisle at the moment, at least. He and Ken were gorging themselves on some kind of odiferous chicken-and-rice mixture, and Ken was spinning a heroic story about the time he had saved a neighbor from choking on a fishbone.

Carlisle walked right in front of their table. I watched their minds carefully, but there was no response. I shrugged.

"Edward!" Carlisle said loudly, grinning and passing back by their table toward me. "What a surprise. Come to join me for dinner?" _Tell me about them finding the van._

"Yes, and I have some good news," I said just as loudly. "They found the van."

Both doctors looked up then, as did a few other people eating nearby. "Thank goodness," Carlisle sighed. I joined him in the line, sifting through the thoughts in the room as we shuffled toward the food. A couple of people seemed to know that a van had been stolen last night, but their thoughts were just bland acknowledgement that the police had done their job. Ken was smirking to himself about "Mr. Perfect" having so many automobiles that he could surely spare one. Scott's thoughts were a little more focused.

_Just the van? I wonder if they found the girl yet._

I repeated this to Carlisle under my breath, and kept listening. It was conceivable that anyone who had read the blurb in the paper might ask themselves that question, but Scott was picturing one of the policemen who had been pursuing Alice and I, and remembering hearing the incredible account of the van's tipping and the odd chase that had suddenly evaporated into thin air. The policeman was Scott's brother, or brother-in-law, or something like that.

 _Anything?_ Carlisle asked, picking up a tray.

I followed suit, shaking my head. "Hold on," I murmured. I nodded toward the chicken and rice mixture, carefully watching Scott's mind as I held my tray out to receive the slop and we moved on to get our drinks. Scott was leaning in now to whisper to Ken.

"Did you hear about the kidnapping?"

Ken frowned. "Kidnapping? All it said in the paper was that they were on the lookout for a Bonnie-and-Clyde team, or something."

Scott leaned so far over his chicken that his tie fell in it. "No, it wasn't like that at all. The girl couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen, Jim said. He saw the whole thing- they had the girl in the van, and she got away somehow. One of them chased her and nearly killed her _right in front of the cops_. Jimmy tailed them as long as he could, but they ditched him somehow. For all we know, the girl's dead in a river somewhere."

Ken gave a low whistle. "You don't say. How're they going to find her?"

Scott shrugged. "I just talked to Jim an hour ago. Says it's not their problem anymore- they found the van down in Brattleboro. Looks like they switched cars and kept going south, girl or not. It's being picked up by the Massachusetts State Police. Besides, no one here or down in White River Junction is reporting any missing daughters, so they must have grabbed the girl from somewhere else."

Ken nodded, remembering a similar newsline from a couple of years ago. "You got sour cream on your tie," he grunted. Scott muttered an oath and jumped up to get some water and more napkins.

Carlisle and I sat down in an emptier part of the dining area, picking at our food in silence. Once it was obvious that Scott was done thinking anything useful, I repeated everything to Carlisle in a low voice.

_Good. It sounds like none of the speculation has anything to do with us- and also good that their attention is focused elsewhere. And with the faulty descriptions of you and Alice circulating, you two will be able to be out in public again. We'll keep our eyes and ears open, but I think we're in the clear._

"Maybe," I said in a whisper. "I was thinking of taking Emmett down to Brattleboro and stealing another van. We could dump it down in Massachusetts- it'll give them even more reason to look down that way."

He shook his head, speaking just as quietly. "I don't see the point. The humans have already made that extrapolation on their own. The less involved we are, the better."

"Emmett will be disappointed," I said with a smirk. "I was going to hide some drugs in the seats and everything."

Carlisle finally laughed, shaking his head and imagining Emmett and I dressed up as cat burglars. Scott had gotten his tie clean and went back to the Emergency Room. Carlisle lifted his empty fork to his mouth and began to chew. _How's Jasper holding up? He must feel terrible about all of this._

I shook my head, smiling ruefully and jabbing my fork into a dry hunk of chicken. "Jasper's fine."

Carlisle watched my face for a moment. "Are you sure there isn't something going on that I need to know about?"

"Nothing much. He just wanted to go massacre the townspeople of Brattleboro, but I talked him out of it."

Carlisle blinked. "Excuse me?"

"It was his own little plan of diverting the police. Or eliminating them, I should say- anyone who saw us, and maybe a couple of bystanders, just to make sure the investigation stayed away from us. But he knows he wouldn't be able to stop there. Then he wanted to get Rosalie involved, but I put a stop to it."

Carlisle leaned heavily back in his chair, staring at me. _I thought we talked about this. I thought he understood that the whole point of our diet is to respect human life._

I slammed my fork down, leaning back in my chair in a mirror image of Carlisle's posture. "That's what I said, if you recall. But as usual, _I_ was the one who got in trouble for responding to the silent thoughts of my siblings."

Carlisle's mind flew through the tense meeting we had had this morning, focusing on my agitated state. "You're right… I should have known you wouldn't react like that over nothing. I'm sorry." I nodded tersely. But he was still watching my face.

_I thought you hunted today._

I nodded, dropping my gaze. I knew my eyes weren't right; they hadn't been for over a month now. "I did. Just a quick deer," I said casually, focusing on scattering the rice on my plate. "I wanted to get back home."

Carlisle began scrolling through memories of my face at various moments over the past four months. His hand, which had been swishing his glass of tea, stilled. _You've been hunting more often lately, but you're eyes aren't right. Is it because of Jasper's thirst?_

"It's definitely been a challenge," I said vaguely. "I think it'll get better, though, as he adapts."

_I hope so. You should take more predators, in the meantime. You may need to go further out, but it'll make things easier for you._

"Is that your expert medical opinion?" I asked with a smirk. "Take two carnivores and call you in the morning?"

He smiled sadly. _You got it. Seriously, Edward, you haven't been yourself lately. I think it would do you good to take a predator every time for now, and maybe distance yourself from Jasper a bit. I'm sure he would understand._

I picked up my own glass, swirling it thoughtfully. This could easily be the end of the conversation, if I let it. He clearly thought that Jasper was the cause of my difficulty, and that wasn't wholly untrue. But as much as I hated to admit it, I needed Carlisle's help. I hadn't purposely _not_ told him about my new style of feeding, though it wasn't the kind of thing we talked about anyway. But now that he was focused on my eye color, I was going to have to tell him about it sooner or later- because it wasn't going well. I had only managed to drink about a third of the deer this morning before having to stop. Instead of getting easier, it was getting _harder_ every time to put off the frenzy. If things continued as they were, I was going to have to start taking animals that were even less appetizing than deer. And even I couldn't deny that I had been getting more and more irritable lately. But then, I was feeding less often than I had been last month… so maybe it wasn't really a problem. Still, Carlisle might have an insight which I had overlooked.

"It's not just because of Jasper," I said quietly, still staring at the glass in my hand. How fitting that we were having this conversation in a _cafeteria_. I glanced around, but there were almost no humans left since it was so late in the evening. Ken was poring over a newspaper at his table, and there were a couple of tired-looking families who had come to visit loved ones. Carlisle waited, and I took a deep breath. "I've been feeding differently. Just a little experiment- I'm still hunting when I need to, but I'm avoiding…" I glanced around again. "I haven't been descending into the frenzy."

Carlisle's brow furrowed. "Why not?"

"I was just curious, at first, to see if it was possible. I mean, it's not like it naturally happens every time, anyway. I…" I frowned, realizing why I had subconsciously been avoiding telling Carlisle about this. The feeding frenzy was a rather private subject- not a matter of shame, per se, though it wasn't something for casual conversation. But it was my motivation that Carlisle wasn't going to like. "It's an exercise in self-control," I admitted, finally meeting his gaze.

His lips pressed into a thin, disapproving line. _Edward, for the hundredth time…_

"I'm still feeding," I insisted. "I just don't get worked up with my prey or lose myself when I drink. It's not a big deal."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Just this summer."

"Since the Yale business, you mean?"

"Yes." I shifted in my chair, uncomfortable with the half-lie. I hadn't started feeding this way until Alice had shut down my original plan- but there was no way I was going to tell Carlisle about _that_. Or the fact that I had purposely been staying close to Jasper, just to challenge my control to another degree.

Carlisle shook his head, still staring at me. _We talked about this, son. You didn't do anything wrong, other than stay in a situation which was a bit too much for you. There's no need to punish yourself for what was an accident- not even that. You didn't kill anybody. And even if you had-_

"I didn't kill anybody _this_ time," I said darkly. "What happened down at Yale just served to illustrate that I'm not strong enough yet." When he shook his head again, I leaned closer to speak in a harsh whisper. "And I'm not punishing myself, all right? I'm just doing everything I can to ensure that I have the best control possible."

He shook his head again. "You'll need to stop immediately."

My fingers dug into the glass I was holding. It began to creak, and I set it down onto the table just in time. I waited to speak, taking two deep breaths as I watched my fingers uncurl from the glass. "And why is that?"

"Because it's not healthy. Our bodies aren't designed to feed that way, Edward. The way we live is challenging enough, denying our primary instinct. If anything, we need the release that comes from feeding even _more_ than traditional vampires do."

"I _don't_ need it," I hissed. "I don't need to make a habit of releasing the monster inside of me every two weeks. I don't need to let him consume me, just because it's time for him to consume blood. I don't _need_ to let him run my life, and I don't _need_ to let him turn me into a savage every time I touch something with fur!"

 _Lower your voice!_ Carlisle thought sternly. I drew a deep, shuddering breath and swept through the minds in the room to make sure I hadn't been overheard.

"Look," I said through my teeth. " _You're_ the one who turned this into a science, what with your blood challenges and your gowns and your 'visual desensitization' and whatever else it is you've invented. Those things are designed to help a vampire practice control over his hunting instincts, in order to protect the human population. This is no different."

"It's _completely_ different. You're depriving yourself of an essential function of your nature. That's the _opposite_ of what you need right now. You're not taking predators at all anymore, are you?"

I inhaled again, a deep, sharp breath through my nose. "No."

"You need to. We're all under a lot of stress right now, and you have the added burden of Jasper's thirst. Refusing to feed properly is only going to…" His voice hitched, and his eyes softened as he continued to watch my stony expression. His thoughts suddenly seized and he clamped down on them immediately. "Please, son, listen to me. I know that you've always personified your vampirism as a monster, separate and contained. But in this case you need to be realistic about your physiology. The transformation affects every cell, every brain function, every instinct. You can't treat your vampire nature as a separate entity from yourself- whether you're indulging it or resisting it. Those instincts are _yours_ now, and the civility and humanity that you maintain is, in part, _achieved_ by satisfying those instincts, and not only maintained in _spite_ of them. By refusing to allow yourself the release that feeding is designed to bring, you're creating a buildup of emotional, and possibly chemical, toxicity. You're only hurting yourself here, Edward, and the results will be the opposite of your intent. Your control isn't going to improve, no matter how hard you push yourself. It's going to deteriorate."

"No, it's _not_. You have no empirical basis for half of what you just said!"

"I don't need any." He finally laid his hand down on my arm. "This has happened before."

I jerked away from his hand, hurt by the images he was showing me: myself, with perpetually dark-gold eyes. Hunting too often. Growing more irritable. My human mannerisms falling away. My speech stiffening and dwindling. Less music, and more time alone. Except he wasn't reviewing my behavior over the past few weeks. These memories were all from 1927.

"How could you _possibly_ compare this to what happened then?" I demanded.

He sighed, drawing his hand back. _Edward, look at yourself. You have to admit that the outward signs are the same. It isn't nearly as bad as that, not yet… but even right now, your posture is barely human, and you have GOT to lower your voice before you-_

"This is the complete _opposite_ of that!"

"In your purpose, yes. But I believe the results will be the same. Listen, son, it doesn't have to be that way. Just start feeding normally again- go now."

"What, tonight?"

"Yes."

I shook my head. "Absolutely not. For one thing, I'm hardly even thirsty right now. And this business with the van is still going on. I need to be at home."

"What you _need_ to do is take care of yourself," Carlisle said, his voice taking on a slight edge. He closed his eyes and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked as tired as a human. When he looked at me again, his eyes were gentle and worried. "Edward… please, just listen to me. This has been a very difficult two days for all of us. If you return home the way you are, it's just going to make things worse... for Jasper, especially. I need you at your best, and that means you need to be calm. Go and find some decent prey, and _please_ , feed normally. I think we'll see an immediate benefit."

I felt a lurch deep inside me- the monster, raging against the bars of his prison in excitement. Or was it my own heart, flinching against the failure of yet another of my stupid, disastrous plans? Or was this anger at Carlisle, who was once again refusing to let me handle my own growth, with the excuse of his pity and with his love once again veiling his profound disappointment? Whatever it was, if it wasn't all three, brewed and swirled until I was completely motionless, frozen between the pulls of my muscles, my anger, and my shame.

Carlisle stood, glancing over at Ken. "I've got to get back to work," he said at human volume. "I'll see you at home in the morning." He emptied his tray and began walking back toward the stairwell, turning towards me as he left. _Please, son, take my advice. Go now._

My eyes flicked up to his; I couldn't move anything else. "And if I don't?" I said in a threatening whisper.

He didn't get angry; I almost wished he would. His brow only furrowed in confusion as he took a step back toward the table. _I'm not angry with you, son. I know you had good intentions- of course I see that. I'm only sorry that I didn't see the burden you were still carrying. I'm just trying to help you. I only want you to-_

"Carlisle, I don't know _what_ the hell you want from me!" I shouted, finally drawing the surprised interest of the humans in the room. I was standing now, having overturned the table and my food in my sudden movement. Carlisle stood frozen in shock and fear - whether it was that I would attack him or just expose us, I couldn't tell. My fists were trembling at my sides, and my lips were twitching to expose my teeth. My throat was burning, the human scent in the room growing with every second. It was all the evidence I needed to see that Carlisle was right. Of _course_ he was right. He always was, wasn't he?!

I held up my hands, taking a step backwards away from him. "I'm sorry," I said flatly. "I..." I took another step back, glancing around at the humans, who were still staring. What had I done?! Their thoughts didn't indicate any suspicion of the supernatural, but I had to do something. What should I say?

 _I'll fix it,_ Carlisle thought quickly. _You need to leave the building. NOW._

I nodded, walking out at as human a pace as I could manage. As soon as the coast was clear, I shot out to my car and drove as long as I could stand it- only a couple of minutes. I ran the rest of the way, breathing hard, straight into the nearest forest. As soon as I caught the first whiff of blood on the air, I picked up into a desperate sprint.

I bowled the bear over without even a thought of controlling myself. My teeth caught him before he hit the ground. The monster burst out of his prison in bloodthirsty glee, driving my sanity away with a savage roar of triumph.


	31. There Is No Atonement

**I recommend keeping tissues (and possibly chocolate) on hand while reading this one.**

* * *

When I came to myself I was on my hands and knees in the mud, still trembling as the last throes of the frenzy left me.

My fingers dug into the ground and I closed my eyes, disgusted by the sight of my reflection in the bear's sightless eyes... and by the savage way its throat was shredded. I hadn't made such a mess of my prey since I was a newborn. And I hadn't fared much better myself, what with the blood and fur still dripping down my face and neck. Like an _animal_.

I scrambled to my feet. A bird's chirp sounded then, and when I turned my head to the sound, I gasped in wonder. The forest around me was cut in such sharp colors, with sharper sounds and glorious scents. And I was different too; I felt so _alive_ , so complete, my strength at its peak and my throat soothed as it hadn't been in years. It was almost like being on human blood. I hadn't felt this shockingly satisfied with a meal since the night I had killed Charles Evenson.

It came back then, like a punch to my stomach. The reason I felt so fulfilled was that I had been depriving myself of the natural fulfillment that feeding was designed to bring, for almost three months now. And it had taken Carlisle all of one _minute_ to realize that what I was doing was dangerous. It had been so obvious to him, whereas I…

I looked back down at the bear, and a shiver of real fear went through me. I had torn into the forest tonight and attacked the moment I smelled blood. If there had been a human nearby, I knew that he, or _she_ , would be the one dead on the ground. There was no doubt in my mind.

This was what had come of my brilliant plan to improve my self-control. All my careful restraint, an entire summer of self-denial, and _this_ was the result. Instead of tightening my grip on the monster within, I had been slowly chipping away at his chains, waving a red flag in his eyes like an idiot. And in the meantime, I had purposely sought out Jasper's thirst, since my own hadn't been enough for me. I had let the monster slowly back me into a corner, arrogantly sure that I was the one gaining control over _him._ I had let the stress of this foolishness build and build, suddenly doubled by the new stress of our scrap with the police. And when Carlisle had so easily dismantled my logic tonight, I had shouted at him. That was bad enough; I hadn't raised my voice to him since my newborn year. But I had done it in front of the humans, driving my rage to the point of danger, to the point where Carlisle had been obliged to send me out of the room like a tantrum-throwing _child._ I had stormed out, run into the forest, and sunk my teeth into the first warm body I could find.

What if I hadn't been honest with Carlisle tonight? How long, and how far would I have gone down this path? How would it have ended?

And when? _When_ would I learn? How many times did I have to prove that, left to my own devices, my good intentions would always end in disaster? How many different ways could I possibly fail?! How long would I be trapped in the shadow of my crimes like this, my hopes raised and dashed in the dirt just in time to prevent disaster?

I let out an angry laugh as I realized the falsehood of that last statement. I had been doing this even _before_ I had become a serial killer. That whole nonsense with the scent addiction was because I had had the bright idea of imbibing the blood scents around me, as a _safeguard_ against my thirsty restlessness. Nearly a thousand murders later, I swore an oath to my father that I would always come to him for help, _specifically_ in regards to my control over my thirst. And I had, until this year, managed to keep my word… for the most part. Yet somehow this year I had managed to come within a inch of slaughtering my own patient, and in response, devised a plan so disastrous that Alice and Jasper had been obliged to run here from Canada, years ahead of schedule, in order to stop me. And instead of taking the hint from that close call, I had simply tweaked my plans just enough that they wouldn't register in Alice's visions; a slow doom instead of a quick one. I hadn't even planned to be honest with Carlisle in the end, tonight; it had just happened. And a good thing, too.

Where did I go from here?

When Alice had taken away the possibility of my starvation plan, I had felt panicked… trapped. That plan, and the hope that I would be able to try again eventually, had been the only thing standing between me and despair over my failure. But I had quickly come up with this new feeding plan, and the panic had subsided. Returning to medical school would still be possible- though my preparation would take years instead of months. And that was fine; time was something I had in abundance. As long as I had that chance, that goal, it was all right. As long as I didn't have to be alone with the stagnant reality of my existence, I could manage.

But now that future had been lost again, and this time I was fresh out of ideas. Even if I did manage to dream up a new plan, it would no doubt be just another disaster-in-waiting, wouldn't it?! Like Carlisle had said tonight, I needed to be realistic about what I was. I needed to accept that fact that I was _never_ going to be good enough. I was _never_ going to be strong enough. I was never going to be able to repay the enormous debt of human life I had incurred, and I was never going to be able to prove to Carlisle that he could trust me, because the simple fact was that he couldn't. His forgiveness and his patience were going to have to be enough, because I was incapable of earning anything beyond that.

There was no atonement.

_There is no atonement._

I closed my eyes in defeat and sank back down to my knees in the mud. But it was curious how this revelation was not leading to the smothering panic I had expected. It was freeing, in its own cold, dead way. The weight of damnation was no heavier than before; it had simply turned from fire to stone, fusing with the rest of my unchanging destiny. I didn't feel panicked, or angry, or even trapped between the monster inside of me and the life I wanted to live.

I just felt… tired.

I rubbed my hands down my face, cleaning off the sticky tufts of fur. The blood had already dried, but I didn't feel like going to look for a puddle to wash in. It was a peculiar sensation; my body was bursting with energy, having been properly refreshed for the first time in months. I wanted to run and run and run… but at the same time, I couldn't muster the energy to put one foot in front of the other, or be bothered to even clean myself up. What was the point? This was what I was. I would just be drowning myself in blood another day.

I did my duty, of course; I always would. I dug a deep grave for the bear, stopping occasionally to let the dirt trickle through my fingers in numb fascination. I knew I should be heading home, but the urgency I had felt earlier about our van incident felt so silly now. What did it matter if we had to leave town? We were always moving on, always wandering. I picked up another handful of dirt, slowly letting it sprinkle over the bear in his grave. I wondered idly what this particular handful of dirt used to be- a tree, another bear, perhaps a man? I felt a strange pang of envy for the bear, dead as he was. Even now, he would continue to change. In a few decades, _he_ would just be a handful of dirt. New growth would spring up from the nourishment of his decay: trees rising to fill in the forest, or a rainbow of smaller plants that would feed other bears, whereas I would be exactly the same as I was now. Still stone cold, still wandering in search of blood... and still utterly useless.

.

.

.

Between staring at the dirt and looking for my car keys, which had fallen out of my pocket during the hunt, I didn't get home until it was nearly dawn. As I wearily took in my family's thoughts, it seemed that Carlisle had called and told them they could relax about the van thing. They were all in the living room, Emmett entertaining everyone with the story of when he had fought a walrus in 1940, during our visit to Denali that year.

"And then she got _really_ mad," he was saying as I walked in from the kitchen. "You wouldn't believe a walrus could move that… whoa."

Everyone turned to me, following his gaze. I saw five images of myself with dried blood coating my face and my throat, and mud smeared over most of my slacks. Rosalie let out a strangled sound and dashed out to the garage to check on the Jaguar. "Oh," I said blandly, my hand sliding up to touch my face.

"Edward, are you all right?" Esme asked, her eyes wide.

"I'm fine."

"I'd say you're better than fine," Emmett laughed. "You look like me after a good meal, and it's about time, little bro! That's what you need, Jasper," he added, throwing a punch into our brother's shoulder.

"What, to get filthy?"

"Exactly! Didn't I tell you the first time we took you out that hunting is supposed to be _fun_? The blood isn't half as good if you don't get all riled up and play with your food a little. Why do you think deer taste so boring?"

Jasper made a face. "All animals taste the same to me."

Emmett collapsed back into the couch, making it skid several feet. "I'm telling you, you gotta spice it up first. It's no wonder you've got to hunt all the time, when you're standing there sipping your blood like a glass of wine at a cocktail party. You gotta get in the dirt and snarl and chase and enjoy yourself. It kind of resets us, you know? Takes the edge off all the intense stuff. We're _vampires_ , man. We're built to _hunt_."

 _Humans_ , Jasper thought miserably.

"We don't _all_ get as dirty as possible," Alice sniffed. "Still, it does feel good to have a little fun sometimes." She was remembering her meal three nights ago: a pair of bobcats. She had chased them up into the trees and, after feeding on the male, had cornered the female atop a giant spruce. The game had gone on for hours, both of them dancing delicately through the thin, prickly branches before Alice finally pounced, feeding in mid-air as they crashed to the ground together. How she had managed all this without ruining her precious "hunting outfit" was a real mystery.

"You should have seen me during my newborn year, Jasper," Esme said bashfully. "I was a real mess. I must have gone through half of Edward's clothes in my first week!" She turned to me with sparkling eyes. _Remember your light blue shirt? That one I was wearing when I found my first wolf?_

I rolled my eyes. "Do I ever."

"I still don't see the point of fighting an animal," Jasper said with a frown. "Or even of bothering to stalk them. It's not like there's any kind of challenge, and if you used your real strength it would be over in an instant."

"Well, you do have to pull back a little," Emmett admitted. "But still, it's gotta be more fun than hunting humans. At least animals give you _some_ challenge. A human wouldn't…" he trailed off, glancing at Esme's disapproving frown. "Anyway, you should try it. Might buy you a few days between hunts… unless you _like_ spending half your time in the forest being babysat."

Jasper narrowed his eyes threateningly, and his gift flashed to life. "Maybe I should just hunt _you_ down," he said in a low voice. Emmett shivered, working to keep his face impassive. "Still, it might be worth a try. All right, Emmett, the next time we go out, I'll be sure to get as disgustingly muddy as you. Fighting an animal shouldn't be much harder than beating you into the dirt…"

"I'd like to see you try," Emmett snarled, sliding to his feet. Jasper was really hitting him hard now; with what emotion, I wasn't sure, but it would be only a matter of time before Esme kicked them out of the house to fight outside.

"Boys…" she said, right on schedule. Jasper turned to give her a look of angelic innocence. Emmett used his distraction to attack, and the chair Jasper had been sitting on was blown to pieces.

I left them to it and headed to the shower. I stood there with my forehead pressed against the tiles long after the hot water had run out. I couldn't believe it. For pity's sake, even _Emmett_ , the self-appointed class clown of the supernatural world! Was I the only one in this family who had to learn everything the hard way?!

When I was back in my room and dressed I numbly inspected my mud-coated slacks, wondering if Esme would want to try and salvage them or not. I pulled the diamond heart out of the pocket and let the slacks crumple to the floor in a heap. I moved toward the window, holding the diamond up and letting the sunrise throw the familiar rainbows across the room. But there were duller sparkles mixing with the rainbows on the walls; my own hideous glare in the sun. I closed my fist around the diamond and watched the rainbows wink out of sight, wishing it were so easy to erase the glaring reminders of what I was.

My stomach twisted in revulsion as I felt the familiar facets of the diamond squeal against my unyielding hand. What would she think of me, if she knew me? I half-heartedly reminded myself that there was nothing to be gained by thinking of her, but I couldn't help it. I had entertained notions of rescuing her from the grim drudgery of manslaughter, of heroically leading her into a humane lifestyle. I was going to watch her adoring eyes turn from red to gold; she would forever be looking up at me in admiration for how I had saved her. What a joke! I would no doubt bungle that like I did everything else. If I did ever get my miracle, I shouldn't even try to explain it to her. I should send her straight to Carlisle and let him figure it out. Or maybe Emmett, since now _he_ was apparently such an expert on feeding. Of course, with my luck, she wouldn't be interested in hunting animals, or in playing human with us at all. I was well aware of how eccentric our lifestyle appeared to most vampires. Aside from Carmen and Eleazar, who had jumped at the chance in an instant, Jasper was the first and only vampire in history who had ever been persuaded to convert… though, granted, that had also been for love. But what if I wasn't as successful as Alice had been? Maybe I should take a hint from Carlisle and go find a human girl dying at the bottom of a cliff somewhere. Maybe I should take a hint from Rosalie and scour the woods for girls dying from a bear attack.

Or maybe I should stop pretending that my life was ever going to be anything other than what it was now: an endless ceiling of night sky, and I was standing under it alone. If my mate did exist, it was probably better for her that she didn't rush to find me anytime soon. Or ever. I slowly peeled my fingers open, frowning down at the diamond- the symbol of my hope that I had been carrying around for weeks now. Hope for what? That someday the most wonderful woman in the world would be sentenced to an eternity with me? A sullen, half-grown boy with a monster firmly wedged inside his heart and blood on his hands?

Of course she would have her own inner monster, and she probably wouldn't even judge me for what I had done- not at first. But as she got to know me, and got to know this other path, she would understand. She would understand that I had purposely thrown it away in favor of mass murder, her smile would fade, and her adoring eyes would cloud with disappointment. At least, I _hoped_ they would cloud with disappointment, and not outright rejection. It would probably be too late for her by then; she would be bound to me forever, and would have to endure an eternity's worth of love mixed with tolerance… much like Carlisle did, only she would be bound even more closely to the source of her disappointment. It was a lot to ask of any woman. Perhaps too much.

The diamond in my hand seemed to darken in response to my thoughts, its brilliance clouding over until each separate facet had a face painted on it- the men I had killed. My fingers clamped around the diamond again, and my eyes winced shut. These new daydreams were tearing at my chest again- but not with hollowness. With claws, and the damage was being inflicted from the inside. My hand tightened around the diamond until it began to creak with the strain. It would be so easy…

My door slammed open and Rosalie stormed into the room. "Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to get the mud out of the seats?" she hissed. "Couldn't you have at least jumped in a puddle, or run home and gotten the car later?"

Ah, she was still angry from our argument yesterday. I saw now, in hindsight, how irritable and difficult I had become over the past few weeks; as usual, Rosalie had borne the brunt of my ill mood. Of course, she usually deserved it… but that didn't make it right. I dropped my eyes down to my clenched right hand, the diamond still hidden from sight. "I'm sorry," I said dully. "It's my car. I'll take care of it."

Rosalie stopped mid-breath, her next insult fading away from her mind. She shut her mouth, looking sharply at me. "No, I'll do it. You'd probably just muck it up anyway."

I sighed, slumping down into my desk chair and staring out the window. "Probably."

Rosalie stood in silence for a moment, wondering who I was and what I had done with her brother. _Are you… okay?_

"I'm fine." I paused, then turned slightly in the chair to face her. There was at least one person I could make amends to. "You can have it."

"Have what? _"_

"The Jaguar. You can have it."

A smile flashed across her face, but suspicion quickly chased it away. _Why?_

I shrugged, turning back to stare out the window again. The sky was lightening quickly now, and my skin glared up at me in response. "Because I've been an insufferable jerk lately. Wasn't that what you were thinking out in the garage just now?"

_Well… yes, but it doesn't mean I need a new car. I mean, if you really don't want it anymore…_

I sighed, turning my arm back and forth in the sunlight. "Just take it, Rosalie. It'll make me feel better. And besides, then I can buy a new one. Might as well do something with all that money."

"Okay… thank you, then."

I nodded, frowning down at my arm again. I reached up and slammed down the window shade, plunging the room into dimness. Rosalie's mind swirled and she took a hesitant step closer, twisting her fingers in her skirt. She was going to ask me again what was wrong. And she would understand… somewhat. She hated what we were, even more than I did. And she was the only other one in the family who had actually committed murder. Though that never got in her way; it never haunted her thoughts. And usually, I hated her for that.

But right now I envied her. I envied her for being so strong that she would never be bothered by the impotent need for things like _atonement_. For having found someone like Emmett, who was equally unburdened. But while Emmett's freedom came from carelessness, hers came from bitterness. I envied her for having others to blame for her fate- her father, Royce, even Carlisle, and by extension, me- because it made it conveniently unnecessary for her to condemn herself. I envied her for loving herself far too much for that. It was one thing to pour out my heart to Jasper, half-drugged by his influence and unable to hide anything from him anyway; this was different. I didn't exactly _like_ what I had with Rosalie, but it was safe. I didn't want to muddle it by having to see her self-righteous eyes soften with pity and worry. I didn't think I could bear that.

"Edward…" she began.

"The mud is going to dry," I said sharply.

She waited another moment, staring at the back of my head and deliberating, and then left the room.

.

.

.

Carlisle called soon after that, saying that he was extending his shift until noon to cover for someone. By the noise coming through the telephone and the casual way he asked if I had eaten a good breakfast this morning, I knew he was calling from a crowded nurse's station. I assured him that I had, and he said that was good.

"And, is everything… okay, there?" I asked hesitantly.

"Just fine," he said cheerfully. In other words, no, you did not completely endanger our human façade when you threw a fit in the cafeteria last night. "I'll see you later."

I was grateful for the reprieve. He didn't sound angry, but of course he never did.

I spent most of the morning in my room, working on my correspondence course. I was just finishing up the requirements for a mathematics degree now, and math was just what I needed at the moment. I was writing so fast and concentrating so fiercely that when the phone rang the pencil flipped right out of my hand and embedded itself in the wall. It was the piano shop.

"Edward, it's for you!" Esme called.

I shuffled down the stairs and took the phone from her. "Edward Cullen. The piano is ready to be delivered?"

"Yes, sir. You can come in at your leisure and try it out. We close at seven tonight."

"I'm sure it's fine. Can you deliver it today?"

He paused. "Of course. This morning all right?"

"When, exactly?" I asked, sharing a look with Jasper as he appeared beside me. "I've quite a busy schedule today, and I need to know exactly when you'll arrive."

 _Thirty-seven minutes!_ Alice called from upstairs.

"I'll have them bring it over immediately," the clerk promised. "We should be there within the hour."

"Thank you." I hung up and winced as Jasper's throat flared.

_Humans, right here in the living room..._

"Jasper," I sighed.

"I'm going, I'm going. Emmett!"

"Coming!" Emmett flung himself down the stairs and snagged Jasper by the arm. "We're going hunting," he announced grandly, "and this time you're going to do it _right_."

"Wait, wait!" Alice called, flying down the stairs. She yanked Jasper out of Emmett's hands and dragged him back up. Apparently his current "outfit" wasn't appropriate for Emmett's style of hunting.

"Men don't wear outfits, Alice," I called.

_Is that a challenge?!_

I finally cracked a smile, shaking my head. This life might be an endless horizon of night, but even I had to admit there were a few stars along the way.

.

.

.

The piano arrived right on schedule. Alice stayed upstairs, quietly drawing and pretending not to exist. Esme, Rosalie and I watched uselessly as the delivery men grunted and strained to get the piano in the front door, and as they moved it into place. I trilled through the keys, finding several notes that were slightly off-key. But I would do a better job of fixing that than they would. I signed for the delivery, cut them a check, and sent them on their way.

"It's beautiful," Rosalie sighed, running her hand along the sleek black finish.

"Doesn't this look better with his hair than the old one did?" Alice asked, entering the living room.

"I suppose so," Esme laughed. "Come on, Edward, play something for us."

"Not yet. I have to tune it first."

The ladies wandered upstairs while I worked. It was the first time I had ever owned anything except a regular spinet; it was much easier to tune this kind. It really was beautiful, and once I got everything in order, the sound was glorious. I ran through a couple of sonatas, then transitioned into Esme's song. She stayed upstairs with the others but began humming along. The picture in her mind of me sitting and playing seemed to hold a tone of relief. She was remembering another fateful day that involved a piano mover in the house, back in 1931.

My eyes closed then, and my fingers automatically transitioned into Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Esme had always hated this song; it was so depressing and repetitive. But it seemed right for the mood I was in today, and it really was beautiful on this piano. As a baby grand, its shape gave the room an entirely different sound than the other piano had; it was far more rich and warm and alive. I got instantly lost in the music, and Beethoven soon led to Chopin.

"Edward?"

My eyes snapped open in shock and my song faltered; when had Carlisle gotten home? He broke into a smile the instant he saw my eyes. _You look much better! You hunted normally, then?_

"Yes." I took a deep breath, keeping my eyes on the piano keys. "I'm sorry about last night."

"It's quite all right. I know you weren't yourself."

"What did you tell them? In the cafeteria?"

Carlisle sat on the couch and picked up the newspaper. "I hardly had to say anything. After you left, Ken gave me a rather commiserating look, and I sheepishly admitted that we had been continuing an argument that has been going on since you dropped out of medical school."

My jaw clenched, but I didn't look at him. "You told him about that?"

"He already knew. The medical community is a small world; gossip runs rampant just as it does in every other field. Anyway, I've heard Ken complain often enough about his own son, who is thirty and can't be stirred to move out or find a decent job. It seemed best to use a lie he would identify with. The other people in the room seemed even less curious, but I spoke loudly enough for them all to hear. I don't anticipate any problems."

I began to play again, working hard to keep the revulsion out of my expression. I couldn't care less what someone like Ken thought of me- we ran through identities and lies and peers like humans ran through shoes. What bothered me was that Carlisle hadn't even needed to lie. His situation was painfully similar to his coworker's: a brilliant doctor with a deadbeat son who couldn't manage to live up to his upbringing. The only difference was that in Ken's case, he probably still _had_ some expectations for his son, because his son was still capable of growth. Whatever hopes Carlisle had held for me, even after all these years, had been firmly laid to rest now. I was just sorry that he didn't have any friends _he_ could confide in, like Ken did.

I knew, somewhere in the more logical corner of my mind, that I was taking this too far. I knew that Carlisle loved all of his creations- even his adopted ones- unconditionally. That he found a great deal of fulfillment in keeping our family together, and in the choice we were all making to live as he did. I knew that the term "expectations" didn't have the same meaning as it would in a human family. I knew how relieved he was that Rosalie and Emmett had even come _back_. I knew that Emmett and Jasper felt no great burden other than trying not to kill anyone because it would disappoint their wives. I knew that Carlisle would sooner tear his own leg off than ask Esme to go through the blood challenges that Emmett and I had gone through. I knew that I was the only one turning myself inside out because I wasn't measuring up to a standard that only I felt the need to aim for.

I knew these things. It was just that Carlisle had _chosen_ _me_.

Alice and Jasper had invited themselves into the family, and welcome. Emmett had been Rosalie's choice. Rosalie had been chosen on a moment's notice, but some great portion of that choice had been with me in mind. Even Esme, Carlisle's other half, had come unexpectedly. Changing her had not even been a choice, not really. But I was the one he had thought about, looked forward to, and wrestled with his conscience over for a good two hundred years before even meeting me. It was my transformation that he had agonized over and even _prayed_ over, long before my grandparents were born. And then he had found me dying in that hospital and he said to himself, _yes, this is the one. This is the one I want._ _This is the one I have been waiting for._

He would never presume to turn the weight of that choice into any kind of expectation or burden, but that was what it was, for me. My transformation was the culmination of two centuries' worth of hopes, of dreams... of lonely hopefulness. He finally had a son. A young man whom he had chosen because his specific impression was that I was _good_ enough to be his son. It was true that there had never been a need for legacy, for someone to carry his name and his memory, because there would be no death. But I wanted to give him those things anyway. He deserved those things, especially from his firstborn. And sometimes, I had felt worthy of that calling. I had felt _special_. And now that I was just one member of a large, diverse family, I supposed that some childish, arrogant part of me still wanted that.

It was an ugly truth, but one that finally needed to be faced: my desire for atonement, both for the murders and for how I had hurt Carlisle, was, at its core, self-serving. I wanted to prove myself to my father so that I could feel special again. So that I could feel like I had risen above my loved ones- my own _family_ , for pity's sake- to be the only one who Carlisle could truly identify with, the only one who was truly worthy to stand beside him. So that he could look at me and be proud. So that he could look at me and know he had made the right decision. My desire to be as good as Carlisle was only matched by my arrogance at the thought of being as good as Carlisle, if not exceeded by it.

Which was, of course, the very reason I would never achieve it.

Perhaps I had been fighting the wrong monster.

"That sounds so peaceful," Carlisle murmured as I began the second movement of his favorite nocturne. He lowered the newspaper to his lap and leaned back his head onto the couch, closing his eyes. _What a week. It's times like this when I wish I could sleep._ His memory flitted through all the stress of the past two days: our close call in the van, the tense hours of waiting afterwards, the inflammatory family meeting, his worry about Jasper's progress, and now the business with my feeding and my little display in the hospital last night. His thoughts snagged on the image of my face at the moment I had stood and shouted at him in anger. His mind seemed to flinch away from the memory. His thoughts encased themselves in steel while he watched me play for another twenty-nine seconds.

_About what you said…_

"I didn't mean it."

_I'm not so sure of that._

"Like you said, I wasn't myself. I made a mistake, and you fixed it. Problem solved." My jaw clenched harder as soon as the words were out. Why didn't things ever come out the right way when I said them? I ached to tell him the truth: that the problem could never be solved. That I was never going to be what he had wanted, and that we both knew it. That I was sorry. That I understood that this was the way it would always be, and that I was grateful for his acceptance. For his love.

_Edward, look at me._

My hands finally clenched on the keys, instantly destroying the peace that had been filling the room. I met his gaze, my face a ready mask of contentment. But I was met with his expression, and I forgot about mine. He looked so terribly weary, so hopeless that it broke my heart. My own face crumpled to match his own, and we stared at each other in miserable silence.

_Is there nothing I can say, son? Nothing to convince you of my forgiveness, or your goodness? Are you that determined to never be at peace?_

A strange sound came out my throat then. In a human, I suppose it would have been called a sob- a warm, healing release when the pain inside had reached its limit. But coming from me, it was a cold, dead, stone sound. Carlisle's look of exhaustion sharpened suddenly into one of anguish. Was it possible that I wasn't even done hurting him yet?

He moved to embrace me, but he was suddenly alone in the room. I was on the roof with my head in my hands, my shoulders trembling under the silent weight of my shame.

* * *

***sigh***

**Surprisingly, I just feel like hugging Edward now. He's just so pitiful, in an arrogant, fatalistic, obstinate kind of way. But if anyone wants to slap him silly, be my guest.**


	32. Masters of Miscommunication

**Here it is, FINALLY! I'm sorry this one took such a long time, but this is probably the hardest thing I've ever written. This chapter is essentially the angst climax of the entire series, and man is it *depressing*, and maddening, and pathetic. Every time I tried to work on it I was either yelling at Edward or wanting to curl up into a ball and cry. He's not anywhere near as depressed as he is, say, in New Moon, but this is probably the lowest point in all his pre-Bella years, outside of his return home in 1931. So those of you who are allergic to angst, I recommend taking a Benadryl with this one! All others, get out the chocolate and tissues again.**

**Disclaimer: This chapter contains a direct quote from** **_New Moon_ ** **. Stephenie Meyer owns it all!**

* * *

I had never hated my gift so much as I did right now.

I would have given anything to close my mind to the thoughts and images flying through Carlisle's mind as he stood frozen in the doorway, staring out. He was sure I had run off into the woods, and the usual careful hold on his thoughts was relaxed. And so from where I sat on the roof, I shared every thought with him. I watched, with painful clarity, as his mind replayed every time I had disappointed him, worried him. Every time I had hurt him. Every time I had failed him.

I saw a strobe of images from my newborn year, my face angry or distraught, when it wasn't completely wild with thirst. I saw myself as a one-year-old, trembling and holding my head as I struggled to acclimate to the crowd of minds in a city and shouting at Carlisle when I had reached my limit. I saw myself calmer and with golden eyes, but wearing a childish smirk as I stubbornly debated against everything Carlisle believed in. I saw my anger when he brought Esme home, and the quieter resentment in my eyes as he and she grew closer in the beginning… then, my awkwardness when they married and became intimate. I saw my boredom shift into annoyance as I pulled my books off the dining room table and trudged to school, day after day.

I saw the sullen, thirsty son who slowly closed himself off from his father in 1927. I saw that son run away later that year with barely ten words of explanation. I saw pages flipping in a journal, that horrible moment when Carlisle had realized _why_ I had left. I saw my half-penitent face upon my return, and the pathetic weeping that followed when I came to full repentance. And what a repentance it was: I saw myself snarling and feral, throwing Carlisle off of me when I nearly killed a human in our own home a mere week later.

I saw my expression of shocked disapproval when Carlisle had brought Rosalie home to burn. I saw the horrible memory of the night I had defied Carlisle openly during her change. I had attacked him purposely that time, throwing him into the trees so that I could make my escape, so that I could destroy every ounce of the humanity he had helped me rebuild in the previous two years. I saw my defiant calm the next day, when I had come home and admitted that I couldn't find Royce, but that if I had, I would have tortured him.

I saw a huge collection of Carlisle's memories of Rosalie and I fighting, of himself and Esme trying to keep us civil. I saw my anger and disdain when I had learned _why_ he had changed her. I saw me arguing with him over Emmett's change. The slideshow of Carlisle's memories skidded to a stop at this point, the resentment clear in my voice as I argued against Rosalie's plea:

_You can't get his consent, any more than you got ours._

Carlisle replayed the line over and over again, before his playback of memories resumed. I saw my stone expression as I stared into the fire that was consuming Emmett's first human kill, remembering my own murderous past. I saw the first time we had prepared a blood challenge for Emmett, my face entranced as I watched the blood warm and then disgusted when I realized what it was doing to me. I saw the two of us arguing over my redemption in Carlisle's car, the week before Rosalie and Emmett's wedding.

I saw the angry impatience on my face every time I struggled with the blood challenges in the late thirties. And then, a huge leap forward to these past two years: The enthusiasm I brought home every day from medical school, and the ridiculous look of stoic pride on my face as I swore the Hippocratic Oath. But this restful image was immediately followed by my fury as I lunged to attack Rosalie, and then by my despair as I confessed the whole Yale disaster, weeping as I hadn't done in years. Another sullen face in another car- this time as we drove down to Connecticut to determine the extent of the damage I had done. I saw the slow, creeping tension that had been building in me all summer as I fed incorrectly. Carlisle's memories ended with my outburst at the hospital last night, and finally with my self-disgust and abrupt departure a moment ago.

The worst part of it was that there were so many things he wasn't remembering- so many disasters that had almost happened, but hadn't. The sins I had actually committed paled in comparison to the things I had _almost_ done.

I had almost run away from Carlisle once in my newborn year- and considering how young and uncontrolled I was at the time, there was no telling what the death toll would have been. I had almost killed the delectable Margaret Weiss, right in front of a classroom full of children. I had almost killed her again the night I left home; I had almost slaughtered her entire family. I had almost left home again on the same night I returned in 1931. I had almost killed a man in our kitchen, a week later, right in front of Esme. I had almost thrown it all away again in '33, when I had gone out to kill Royce and his friends. I had tried to convince Carlisle not to change Emmett. And when my brother's enormous strength had begun to manifest during his transformation, I had tried again, this time offering to kill him myself.

And this year had been the worst by far: the close call in the OR could have just as easily become a massacre, had I waited two more seconds before running out. And then there was, of course, my disastrous plan to whisk myself up to the Arctic and starve the monster into submission, and the horrible future that would have resulted, had Alice not seen and been able to intervene.

It made me wonder what other disasters she had seen me heading into over the years. Had she seen me feeding on Royce? Killing Emmett in transition? Slaughtering John Lewis, William Glenn, and the others? And who could say what future I had been heading towards this summer, with the new method of feeding? And what _had_ she seen back in 1927 that made her decide not to stop me? I should just be grateful that I had her now. With any luck, she would prevent any number of future disasters that I would, no doubt, try to cause in the coming decades.

Carlisle was still staring out into the woods, his fingers slowly combing backwards through his hair. His memories blinked backwards in time now, to a dimly-lit hospital: Chicago, 1918. It was the same scene he had shown back in '35, but now I saw the rest of it.

He was remembering the moment of his decision; standing frozen by my bedside, watching as I coughed and gasped for breath, the skin around my chapped mouth taking on a blue tinge. He took a step toward me, and then stopped again, his eyes darting over to the other bed where my mother lay, now dead. Her plea, voiced only moments before, echoed in his mind:

_Save him! You must. You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, this is what you must do for my Edward._

I had heard these words before, in his memory. But I had never heard Carlisle replay his thoughts after she had died: his confusion regarding her insight, his indecision as he bounced between images of me as a vampire and images of me in a casket, overlaid by a cloudless, shining sky: Heaven, I supposed. And then he took a tentative step closer to my bedside, staring at my "beautiful" face. He marveled at how good and pure I seemed, how highly my mother had spoken of me in her last hours, how my last energy had been spent trying to comfort her. How this was the kind of son he would have wanted to have.

He was running out of time. I stopped coughing, settling into that final rest between sleep and death. Carlisle laid his hand on my ribs, noting the passive gurgling that the cough had given way to; he was positive now that I would not survive the night. He wheeled my mother's bed into the morgue, still wrestling with the opposing images of my death and my transformation. But he was almost decided now; he was looking over his shoulder, assuring himself of how busy the other doctors and nurses were; it was very likely that I would not be missed, were he to take me . He returned to my room, frowning to hear the change in my respiration. He glanced again toward the now empty space across the room, and now my mother's words shrank down to the divine assurance he seemed to be seeking:

_This is what you must do._

He set his jaw and flicked the sheet over my face, taking care to leave space for ventilation. He wheeled me down to the morgue like he had my mother, but as soon as the door closed behind him he whisked the sheet away and gently scooped me up in his arms. A jump out the window, a race through the shadows, and he was laying me down on the couch at home. He took two deep, panicked breaths, prayed for strength against the temptation of my blood… and bit.

Carlisle flinched away from the memory of the taste, and of the transformation itself. Instead, his mind returned to those painful images he had run through just a moment ago: a hundred images of my anger, my unhappiness, my defiance… my guilt. _This is my doing_ , he thought, his eyes closing in grief.

He shook his head slowly, now blinking back and forth between these memories and the memory of changing me. My stomach twisted in shame as I saw the clear connection between the two in his mind. His mind was awash with wordless grief, but it was all too clear what these thoughts meant. He was finally coming to the conclusion that he had been putting off all these years, a thought that his gentle, generous mind still refused to put into words: that this had been a mistake, after all. That he had made the wrong choice. He finally understood that I was never going to be what he had been hoping for. He finally saw what his merciful choice, so carefully made, had brought about: a lifetime of disappointment for both of us, with no end in sight.

Carlisle finally regretted changing me.

I had known it was coming, I supposed. I had certainly regretted it _for_ him often enough. But to watch the epiphany dawn over his mind like this… it felt like something was dying inside of me, as it was no doubt dying inside of him.

He moved a few steps away from the house, thinking about going after me now, trying to decide whether I really wanted to be alone or not. I moved silently around the chimney so that he wouldn't see me; the last thing I wanted was for him to feel guilty about letting me see the thoughts he had just had. My scent lingered everywhere around the house, and I didn't think he would look up on the roof. I felt like an idiot hiding up here. It reminded me of another time I had hidden from Carlisle- or tried to, anyway.

It had been immediately after my first hunt. After we had scented the mountain lion, Carlisle had waved me on ahead to feed in private… and a good thing, too, because I probably would have snapped at him if he had tried to stay beside me. When I came out of the frenzy I was horrified at the blood which coated my face, throat, hands, even my hair and my shirtsleeves. I scrambled to clean myself with a handful of dry leaves, but it didn't do much good; in any case, the shredded mountain lion at my feet was evidence enough of my savagery.

I heard Carlisle coming to join me, talking worriedly to himself; we had both, in the first few moments of my new existence, come to a disjointed understanding that I could somehow hear his thoughts. But it was still a terrifying mystery at that point, and neither of us had yet realized how his own thirst, unusually strong after biting me three days prior, was affecting my own. _Everything_ was frightening on that first day, and nothing was more frightening than the monster I had apparently become. I felt even more ashamed at the thought of Carlisle seeing me like this, and seeing what I had just done. And even then, the fire in my throat was still raging; something about the blood hadn't been right… hadn't been enough. I already wanted to kill again, and I knew he would be able to see it in my eyes. I rolled the dead animal over onto its side, hiding the worst injuries, and withdrew into the shadows, thinking in my ignorance that he wouldn't be able to see me in the dark. He hadn't fed yet since my awakening, but I knew there was no way that the calm, civilized doctor who had brought me home was anything like the monster I was now. I knew he was the same species as me, but there was obviously something wrong with me. I was _nothing_ like him.

Carlisle found me immediately, of course. But instead of recoiling in disgust, he smiled and told me that I had done well. I watched warily as he peeled off his jacket and dipped it in a nearby creek. I flinched away as he began to clean my face of the blood, but then he began to talk in quiet, soothing tones. And there, in the relative safety of the moonlit forest, he began to explain everything. I learned that it was normal to behave like a savage at first, and that it would get better. That if I followed this humane path, that I would slowly regain as many ounces of humanity as were available to our kind. That Carlisle would help me. That someday, I would be like him.

That day had never come.

But things had changed since that first evening so long ago; Carlisle and I were no longer alone. Two floors beneath my feet, I could hear Rosalie, Esme and Alice talking, laughing, and thinking as they pored over old photo albums. And now, directly ahead of where Carlisle stood, I could hear my brothers' minds as they returned home from their hunt. Carlisle heard them a second later. He straightened both his thoughts and his face, but his plastered smile faded into surprise as Jasper tumbled out of the trees, laughing and merry and _covered_ in dirt and dried blood.

Emmett crashed out into the open a second later, roaring like a bull as he bowled over our brother. Their fight quickly ended as he threw Jasper point blank at Carlisle. They stumbled backwards together several steps before Jasper extricated himself, laughing his apology.

Carlisle brushed the dirt off of his slacks. "It's quite all… Jasper, your eyes!"

"Emmett is a genius," Jasper announced with a smile. His eyes were the lightest shade of orange we had ever seen them- and certainly the closest to golden since his arrival. And he was so _relaxed_. My hand brushed my throat, marveling at the coolness there.

Carlisle's eyebrows shot up as he turned to Emmett, waiting for the explanation.

"Don't act so surprised," Emmett growled. "Anyway, I got the idea from Edward. You know how he's been so uptight lately?" Carlisle nodded, frowning and glancing toward the woods. "Well, he actually fed like a _normal_ person last night. You should have seen him when he got home! What a mess. But at least his shoulders weren't up in his ears anymore. That got me thinking about how our blood is so much more satisfying when we put a little fun into it, you know? And how a good hunt kind of resets us, keeps us more human. So I told Jasper that that was what he needed. To stalk and fight and play and let himself _feed_ , and not just drink- and that maybe it would make things easier for him."

"And he was right," Jasper said, combing a hand back through his tangled hair. "We found a mountain lion, and instead of feeding immediately like I usually do, Emmett and I stalked it for a while. And then I provoked it into a fight-"

"Which was _awesome_ ," Emmett interjected.

"It was much more… satisfying than I would have thought," Jasper admitted with a grin. "The greatest challenge was not killing it right away… what?"

"I don't mean to pry, Jasper, but as glad as I am that you enjoyed yourself…"

Jasper rolled his eyes- a mannerism he had picked up from Rosalie. _Of course._ "No, Carlisle, I didn't torture the mountain lion."

Carlisle let his breath out in relief. "Of course not. Please, continue."

Jasper shrugged. "Like Emmett said, it was a good fight. And it really did seem to make the blood taste better. I actually feel like I _fed_ for once!" His fingers brushed his throat, just as mine had a moment ago. "I can't tell you what a relief it is, Carlisle. My thirst hasn't been this subdued since my last… well, no, since we tried the blood challenge- but this was animal blood! I feel downright _refreshed_. Less on edge…. calmer."

Understanding dawned over Carlisle's mind, along with flashes of our conversation last night in the hospital cafeteria. "You were finally able to enjoy the blood enough to enter the frenzy," he guessed.

Jasper nodded. "Yes… you're right. I suppose that's what made the difference. I've always associated the frenzy with the emotional pain that accompanied feeding on my human prey, so I may have been subconsciously… resisting it? And animal blood has always tasted so wretched that as you say, I couldn't enjoy it enough to really let myself go anyway."

"You really do seem more at peace," Carlisle said warmly. "I'm so happy for you, Jasper. This truly is a breakthrough, and I'm sure things will move along more easily for you now. And Emmett, well done! Very well done."

"Yep," Emmett sniffed, hooking his thumbs in his belt loops. "He owes me for eternity now. I'm never mowing the lawn again."

"I'm not _that_ grateful," Jasper shot back with half a smile.

"Come on," Carlisle said as he laid a hand on each of their shoulders. "Let go in and tell the ladies."

"Ladies? Where's Edward?" Emmett asked. "I thought he was with you."

"I think he went out to hunt again," Carlisle said lightly. "He'll be back later."

He glanced toward the woods once more, and then he and Emmett went indoors. Jasper followed more slowly, his smile fading away as his eyes flicked between Carlisle's back and my perch on the roof.

_Now what?_

It seemed my emotions were sufficient answer, because the other half of his gift stirred immediately to life. I felt the tension in my shoulders begin to unwind, and I began breathing again.

"Just go," I growled under my breath.

Jasper shook his head and went on into the house, where he was soon laughing again and trying to shout over Emmett's account of his fight with the mountain lion. Alice didn't seem to understand the import of what Jasper had managed to do today, but she was relieved to see him so happy and carefree.

It _was_ a breakthrough- one that either Carlisle or I should have thought of. Emmett was the unlikely hero this time, and he deserved the shining pride in Esme's eyes and the wide grin on Carlisle's face as he clapped his back. Rosalie was personally disgusted by yet another Cullen coming home looking like a savage this week, but she was gracious to Jasper about his breakthrough.

She was usually gracious to our new brother. They weren't doing much anymore in the way of fight training anymore, as Jasper had simply run out of things to teach her. But they had a genuine friendship now, nonetheless. Rosalie rightly felt that Jasper understood her like no one else did, and he admired her passion and her bluntness. And like Rosalie, he was interested in how things worked; not cars, in his case, but electronics. He had been tinkering with the wiring that ran throughout the house, dismantling and rebuilding the television and radio, and so on. Seeing this, Esme had dug out some of our old physics textbooks, and now Rosalie and Jasper had a new common interest to talk about. I was happy for her, if a little jealous: she and I had never connected this way. We did share an interest in cars, though hers was more mechanical and mine was more aesthetic. And we had "grown up" both loving Jazz and Swing, often dancing together… but now she had Emmett for that kind of thing, and our musical interests had diverged anyway. The only thing that Rosalie and I were truly good at doing together was arguing.

But it was all right. That was what family was for: to balance each other out, to fill in the holes. Rosalie had a new brother now who made her smile more than I ever had. When Carlisle and I had failed to solve the mystery of Jasper's unquenchable thirst, Emmett had saved the day. When I insisted on making disastrous plans, fate had sent Alice to keep an eye on me.

And now Carlisle had a new son to raise. Jasper's thirst would likely still be an issue for some time, and I was sure that Carlisle would find a great deal of fulfillment in helping him slowly gain control. I should be happy for him, that he had that.

I leaned back against the chimney, my face tipped up to catch the sun and the laughter and thoughts of my family rumbling beneath me. I thought of all Esme's construction projects, Jasper's half-dismantled short-wave radio which lay in pieces on the coffee table, the clothes bursting out of Alice's closet, all the skid marks on the stairs from Emmett's shoes, my new piano, Rosalie's neatly organized rows of odds and ends in the garage. Our home had never been so full of life. Our family had never been so… human. So complete.

And I had never felt so alone.

.

.

.

Life went on. Rosalie and Emmett began their classes at Dartmouth. Alice invested in Medtronic and plastics, and moved from pencil to charcoal drawings. I wrapped up my mathematics coursework and mailed in my final exam. Esme had finished the downstairs bathroom and was now making plans with Rosalie about expanding the garage. And Carlisle, inspired by Jasper's success in hunting, was determined to try the van thing again. We went out every night that he had off work- only this time we went to different towns, and Emmett kept Jasper in a headlock the whole time. But it was going well; we had even been able to roll the windows down a bit. After a few successful runs like this, we were ready to take him out in the daytime.

We drove up to Montpelier on the first cloudy day. Emmett was at school with Rosalie, and so Esme had come along this time to help. She would be staying on the floor of the van, keeping an iron grip on Jasper's legs while Alice held both of his hands. I sat directly behind Jasper, ready to grab him at a moment's notice like I had done the first time. I would have preferred starting off with a headlock, but it _was_ daylight, and that probably would have looked a bit odd to passersby. The windows were open.

"I still think we should wait for Emmett," I said as we approached the city limits.

"We'll be fine," Carlisle murmured, keeping his voice light and his eyes on the road. _Jasper has been doing well. We need to ease up slowly on our hovering, even if it does increase the risk a bit. Confidence is half the battle, and he needs all the encouragement we can give._

"You're right," I answered dully. "Sorry."

Carlisle and I were as cordial to one another as ever, if not relaxed around each other. And I didn't complain when he felt the need to check my eye color _every_ day. I didn't blame him for being concerned. I took care to hunt more than I needed to, though I took no joy from it. At least I was feeding correctly again. At least he was respecting my silence, moving on as though nothing had changed. And by all appearances, nothing had.

But the tension between us was obvious, at least to Jasper. He had been avoiding me for most of the past week, muttering to himself about "inordinate pools of angst" every time we crossed paths. I was trying, for his sake, to keep my despair at bay; I might feel like I was floundering, but I didn't want to pull him down with me. He really w _as_ doing better with the desensitization now, thanks to Emmett's brainwave. The last thing he needed was for my emotions to hold him back.

I had signed up for correspondence courses in Japanese, European History, and Analytical Geometry. I figured three at once would be sufficient to keep myself busy, but they hadn't arrived yet. In the meantime I was giving Jasper as much space as I could.

But here in the car, it was impossible for him not to get caught in the crossfire between my disgust with myself and Carlisle's disappointment and regret. He rolled his shoulders, staring ahead and trying to concentrate on the task at hand while simultaneously flooding me with serenity and happiness.

I usually resisted his supernatural attempts to cheer me up. The peace he gave was artificial and fleeting, in any case. And there was some part of me that felt the need to suffer; it was useless, of course, but at least it kept me in check, reminded me not to do anything else stupid. I was sorry that Jasper was affected, but most of the time he was free to give me plenty of distance.

For his sake I let him do it this time. I closed my eyes, leaning back in the seat and enjoying the feel of freedom as my tension began to unwind. Why couldn't it be like this all the time? Why couldn't I just accept what I had and what I didn't have? Why didn't I let Jasper do this more often, so that I could at least pretend sometimes that nothing was wrong?

 _"_ You're fine, Jazz," Alice said suddenly.

My eyes jerked open and the artificial peace left me with a jolt of guilt; we were already on Main Street. Of all the times to let Jasper drug me into oblivion! If things had gone awry, my reaction time would have been tragically slow.

Jasper sighed in annoyance, squirming in his seat as my emotions jarred back to their natural state. _Would you just let me help you for once?_ _Masochism isn't a virtue, last time I checked._

"Neither is intoxication," I snapped. "So if you could just mind your own business, and save your energy for resisting the urge to slaughter the townspeople, that would be great."

"Edward," Carlisle said quietly. _That's not helpful._ Alice and Esme both shot me a disapproving look, but their attention was soon back on Jasper.

Jasper just growled his annoyance, trying not to dwell on the word _slaughter_. This was the first time he had smelled so many humans up close since meeting Alice, and I winced as his mind automatically invented all sorts of bloody scenarios. Slaughter, indeed. I kicked the back of his seat, snapping him out of it. _I'm trying_ , he thought fiercely, fixing his eyes on Alice's smile. After his fantasies had quieted, he forced himself to look out the window again. It was the most crowded time of day- lunch hour for the humans- and there was a bustling group of them on every street corner. Jasper watched them sullenly, reciting his usual mantra to himself.

_They're people. They have lives. They have names._

"It must be interesting to see the changes since your own time, Jasper," Carlisle said hopefully. "All the automobiles, electricity in use everywhere, the changes in human fashion…"

"Yes, things are certainly different," Jasper said distractedly. _Especially in clothing. I can't believe the things women are wearing these days._ His eyes drifted down to the bare legs of a pair of teenage girls as we drove by them. He turned his head to watch them a moment longer, thinking how they shouldn't dress like that, because it just drew attention to the arteries behind their knees. His throat flared, sending a smaller flame echoing in my own. I kicked his seat again, and he pulled his eyes dutifully away. _They have lives. They have names…_ This went on for several more blocks.

"I think Jasper's had enough," I said loudly as we paused at a red light.

"He's fine," Alice protested, showing me a squeaky-clean future in which we drove around for another hour.

"We shouldn't push it."

"What do you think, Jasper?" Carlisle asked. "How are you holding up this time?"

Jasper shrugged, swallowing a bit of venom. Both our throats were burning steadily now. "I'm all right. Let's go a little longer."

Carlisle turned the corner, stealing a peek in the rear view mirror to check Jasper's eyes. There was an elementary school on this street, with a flock of children playing outside for their recess. I tensed, knowing how prone children were to injury during play. "Jasper, close your eyes for a minute," I said quickly.

Jasper snapped his eyes shut, but his thirst flared even more as he wondered what he was missing.

 _Why did you do that?_ Alice sighed mentally. _He wasn't going to do anything._

"Just taking precautions," I replied. "We don't want a repeat of last month's disaster, especially not where children are concerned. You can open your eyes now, Jasper."

 _Edward…_ Carlisle sighed mentally.

Jasper began to watch the humans again, but my foolish allusion to Jasper's near-accident last month was making his thirst more active. I had to give him credit- he was doing an admirable job of trying not to dwell on what had almost happened with the policemen. But now his eyes were fixing on each human as we passed them, his interest slowly turning more predatory and his throat growing steadily hotter.

"Let's go home," I insisted again.

"Jasper?" Carlisle asked, looking up in the mirror again.

Jasper nodded stiffly, his eyes catching on a man limping by on a pair of crutches. "Yes… I think I'm done for now." He cleared his throat of venom and forced himself to look ahead, eyes dark and nostrils flared.

Carlisle turned onto a side street, choosing a less public route back home. When we returned home, Alice and Jasper disappeared into the woods for some hunting and some alone time.

"Well done today, Jasper," Carlisle called after him.

"Sort of," I muttered under my breath, slamming my door shut.

"What do you mean?" Esme asked me. "I thought he did quite well. You know how hard it is for him."

"I know that," I sighed. "It's just that you two don't see what's going on in his mind, when he's watching the humans. It's like watching a horror film. And his venom was flowing almost constantly."

Esme turned to Carlisle in worry, but he shook his head. "I think he's doing as well as can be expected. We can't afford to rein him in every time he has a little flicker of thirst, or this is going to take the rest of the twentieth century."

"What about the blood challenges? You always wanted me to hold my position _before_ I got to the point of venom flow."

"That's different. You were already at such a high level, and the purpose of those exercises was different, because your…" he trailed off, smiling sadly. "Well, it doesn't matter. The point is, Jasper's situation is completely different. I think this is always going to be a struggle for him, and so we need to accept the fact that there will be some uncomfortable risks along the way."

"And what about the collateral damage?" I shot back. "Was it really necessary for you to drive by an _elementary_ school?"

"I did that on purpose. I thought that perhaps seeing humans at different ages would help him connect with them as people. But one thing is certain," he added with a frown, "and that is that your constant hovering and allusions to failure are not going to help him succeed. Wasn't I just telling you that building his confidence is half the battle?"

I bit my lip, feeling the familiar twist in my stomach as I saw how, once again, I had made things worse. "I'll keep my mouth shut next time," I promised glumly.

Carlisle shook his head again. "I think it's best if you stay home next time, Edward. You know how your and Jasper's gifts have a way of compounding each other, especially where thirst is involved." _And I don't know what's going on between the two of you lately, but it's not what he needs during these outings. And quite frankly, I don't think this is good for you, either. You need to focus on something other than thirst for a while._

I bit my lip harder, refusing to acknowledge the hurt that welled up within me. I wanted, so badly, to say _but you need me_. But he didn't, and we both knew it. I nodded curtly and spun on my heel, heading toward the garage. Esme turned to Carlisle with an accusing look.

"I'm fine, Esme," I sighed over my shoulder. "I'm just going to check the mail. Do you need anything while I'm out?"

She shook her head. _I'm going out later anyway to get some groceries. I'll get the mail then. You don't need to-_

"I'll take care of it," I said tightly, disappearing into the garage. I needed to get out of the house, and if Carlisle and Esme were about to discuss my emotional state, as it seemed they were, I was more than willing to give them their privacy. But I paused my hand halfway to the empty peg, remembering that I had given Rosalie the Jaguar, and that she and Emmett had taken it to school today. I grabbed the keys to the Lincoln instead, noticing for the first time the work that Rosalie had done on it. It really did look good, if a little old-fashioned for public use.

I tore backwards out of the driveway, narrowly missing a deer as it bounded over the empty dirt. _Rosalie would kill me_ , I thought tiredly as I watched it spring harmlessly back into the woods. I would never have had that close of a brush with a human pedestrian or driver, but with the windows rolled up and with deer not having audible thoughts, that was the kind of car accident that would happen to me. It was all I needed to round out a summer full of mistakes.

.

.

.

I yanked the huge stack of mail out of the tiny post office box, flipping through it with disinterest. A paycheck for Carlisle, a letter from the broker, a couple of college things for Rosalie and Emmett, and a letter for me from the Correspondence School. I tore it open to find that I had officially earned my bachelor's degree in Mathematics, and would I kindly send in a check for twenty dollars if I wanted a framed diploma done in calligraphy, versus the folded paper one included in this envelope. Which was torn already, because our family was outgrowing our post office box. We had signed up for it as soon as Alice and Jasper had arrived- the same precaution we had taken for Emmett when he was a newborn.

"Anything else for Cullen or McCarty?" I asked the postmaster as I flipped through the rest of the mail: just a couple bills and some kind of European fashion magazine that was addressed to Esme, but had obviously been ordered by someone much shorter.

The postmaster disappeared for a moment, returning with a stack of three hefty envelopes which he deposited on the counter with a _thud_ : my three other courses had arrived.

"Here you are, sonny. But I'll need an adult to sign for them…?" He leaned around me, looking to see if either of my parents were waiting out in the car.

"I'm twenty years old," I muttered. I grabbed the pen from his hand, signing my name with an angry flourish. He jerked away, his heart skipping a beat.

"Have a nice day," he said doubtfully as I scooped up everything and headed out the door.

I headed next to the grocery store, mindlessly filling a cart with random fruits, vegetables, and dry goods. It didn't really matter what I got; most of it would all go straight to the compost pile or the food bank. I did pick up a bottle of the laundry detergent that Esme seemed to burn through, and a can of powdered bleach; always handy for getting out those stubborn blood stains. I topped it all off with a carton of orange juice and wrinkled my nose as I passed the butcher. I decided we would be real vegetarians this week; there was no way I was driving home with a hunk of expired animal flesh sitting in my car.

But as I drove home, I decided that I would do errands like this more often. Esme was so busy lately that she had taken to doing everything at vampire speed, which I knew she didn't prefer. She usually enjoyed going about her housecleaning and gardening at a human pace, humming and enjoying her fantasy world in which we would come home from school, sunburnt and tired and hoping for a plate of cookies fresh out of the oven. But now there was so much laundry, and so many errands, and she had so many sewing and construction projects going at once, that she went about everything with a sort of fierce energy. She seemed happier than ever, what with her full house, but that didn't mean I couldn't pitch in to help now and then. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

.

.

.

I was dismayed to hear Carlisle and Esme still discussing me when I got home. I had learned my lesson about eavesdropping on conversations like this ten times over, but I couldn't be blamed for hearing things as I drove toward my own house.

 _But I still don't see why you did that_ , Esme was saying. _You know Edward's been having one of his little difficulties lately. It hardly seems like a good time to begin excluding him when you take Jasper out. You know how much it means to him to feel needed._

 _I know that, darling_ , Carlisle sighed. _But he really does need to get his mind off of his thirst._

_He isn't struggling like… before, is he?_

_No, quite the opposite. He…_ Carlisle paused, wondering how much to say. It seemed that he hadn't yet told Esme about my feeding issues, or even the confrontation in the hospital last month. _You know how…. dedicated Edward can be when it comes to something he cares about. He's developed a bit of an unhealthy obsession with thirst and self-control. I just think he needs a break from the whole business. And helping Jasper succeed really does need to take precedence right now, don't you think?_

_I suppose so… but will you at least talk to him? He seemed so upset when he left._

_I'll try. But it's been… difficult, lately. It's hard to know when to push and when to give him his space._

_I know._ Esme pulled his head down to her shoulder, running her fingers through his hair as she remembered Carlisle's look of defeat as he had watched me drive away earlier. _I hate it when they get like this_ , she thought sadly. _But what can I do, except let them work it out?_ She closed her eyes and held Carlisle's shoulders tighter, worrying over other memories of Carlisle and I being "like this". Apparently she thought this was just one of many episodes. How wrong she was.

Carlisle's thoughts were much darker. He was remembering those days in 1927 when I had shut him out completely, when I had literally kept a door between myself and his confused worry. _I was too passive that time_ , he thought _, and look what happened. But so much has changed since then… perhaps I should let him come to me, like he did in the cafeteria last month._

They heard the approach of my engine then, and sprang apart as if they had been caught doing something wrong. I drove slowly up the drive, rolling to a stop inside the garage and bringing the groceries into the kitchen.

"Oh, Edward!" Esme exclaimed with a warm smile as she took an odiferous paper sack out of my hands. "That was thoughtful of you."

There was a very small part of me that wanted to hand her some sarcastic comment about my "little difficulties", but that wouldn't have been fair. She had always fretted over me like this, but I knew she did it out of love… and she really was doing her best not to interfere. So I smiled instead, bending down to kiss her on the cheek. She smiled and leaned into my shoulder, sighing in apparent relief. I kissed the top of her head in silent apology, breathing in the warm caramel of her scent. Maybe next time I did this, I would pick her up a bouquet of flowers.

But Carlisle came into the kitchen then. I released Esme and headed back out to the car to get the other groceries, bringing them and the mail wordlessly back inside. Esme scooped up the laundry detergent and the bleach, and, with a hopeful smile sent Carlisle's way, promptly disappeared. I was left to take care of the groceries, most of which didn't even need to leave their sacks. I opened the orange juice and poured it down the drain while Carlisle began flipping through the mail. He soon found the smaller envelope from the correspondence school, turning it over to see that it was already open.

"I finished the mathematics coursework."

"Ah! You have your Bachelor's, then? Well done."

"Yes," I snorted, looking away. "I finally finished college at age forty-nine. Impressive, isn't it?"

Carlisle sighed, trying to check my eye color without making it obvious that he was doing so. I dutifully turned to face him, letting him see. He was debating how to begin a conversation when Alice and Jasper came in through the garage, Alice's feather-light step followed by Jasper's heavier tread.

"All I'm saying is that it would be _nice_ ," Alice was saying as she kicked off her hunting shoes and landed inside the kitchen. "Hello!" she sang to us, wrinkling her nose at the food before skipping through to the living room.

"It's not my fault Emmett wants to go play human all day," Jasper said as he reached down to take off his own shoes. But he paused with his hand on his foot, his nose wrinkling not at the food, but at the unpleasant emotions he found himself near. Only this time his focus was on Carlisle, not me.

"Maybe I'll go mow the lawn after all," he muttered, going back out the way he had come. _Twice._

I brushed past Carlisle, eager to make my own escape. Esme could deal with the groceries later. But he caught my arm with a gentle touch.

_I'm sorry about earlier. I'm not trying to exclude you in particular, I just think that Jasper has-_

"-a better chance without me. And you're right. It's fine."

He studied me a moment longer. _Then what is it? I had thought that feeding normally again would have brought you some peace. Is there something else?_

A whisper of a laugh caught in my throat. There was _everything_ else. What did he want me to say? Anything I told him was just going to open the wound for both of us; my failures were enough of a burden without rehashing them out loud.

_Edward… I want to help. Please, talk to me._

I shrugged away from his hand and his worried gaze, cursing myself as I hurt him yet again. "I'm sorry," I said quietly as I left the room. "But there's nothing left to say."

_._

_._

_._

Carlisle didn't try to speak to me again the rest of the week, other than in passing. And I wasn't about to strike up a conversation that would almost certainly end with my making things worse. At least I had sufficient distraction now. I spent a lot of time in my room, throwing myself into my new courses. I found that I was actually able to work on two assignments at once, writing Japanese characters with my right hand and writing an essay on the French Revolution with my left. Everyone in my family had their own little ways of blocking me out of their minds when they wanted privacy, but this was the first time I had come up with a way to fully occupy _my_ mind. It was refreshingly difficult, and a welcome distraction. Carlisle and I weren't avoiding one another, per se; we just found sufficient reason to give each other as much space as possible. It was a big house, after all.

But I was careful to always leave my door open; my quiet way of assuring him that this was not 1927 all over again. It was ironic; now that we both could have benefited from some time apart, I was afraid to leave. I couldn't even _entertain_ the thought of leaving now. I didn't know how much Jasper had told Alice, but she was watching my future like a hawk these days. But even without her vigilance, I was too afraid to try anything like that anymore. I couldn't bear to see yet another future in which my rashness destroyed anything. I found some shameful comfort in, once again, feeling trapped with my family. Because despite the loss I felt, and the hope that had faded, I was lucky to have this family. I could no longer muster the energy to hope for anything else. I just spent as much time as I could justify out in the woods, and kept to my studies when I was at home. The sounds and thoughts of family life going on around me were a soothing balm, and a reminder that despite my failures, I was loved.

But Monday morning found Carlisle and I in the same room. I had taken a break from studying and was spending the morning playing piano, since he had been busy in his office with medical correspondence. Jasper was on the living room floor, surrounded by a tangled pile of wires and circuitry and doing some kind of experiment. Even though he had been avoiding me lately, he did like to be near me when I played for hours at a time; he enjoyed the music, but he also enjoyed the secondary "symphony" of my emotions as I played.

Alice and Esme were out shopping. Alice had had a vision yesterday of herself and Jasper walking hand in hand downtown; _which_ town or even if it was this same year, she didn't know, but it was apparently a shopping emergency. Rosalie and Emmett were still at school. I was just in the middle of a Duke Ellington piece when Carlisle came in, settling down in his favorite armchair with a book. I shifted into a quieter Debussy, not wanting to disturb him. He didn't dislike Jazz, per se, but it wasn't his favorite.

 _No need to change on my account_ , he thought, sending a hesitant smile at my back. My fingers paused uncertainly. Did he really want to hear Jazz, or was he just trying to be accommodating?

"What do you want to hear?" I asked him.

"Something cheerful," Jasper sighed, shooting me an exasperated look.

Carlisle thought for a moment. "Remember that piece you were playing earlier this summer? It was the day when Alice asked me how old she was. That one that I hadn't heard you play since 1920."

He meant the unfinished piece that I had been writing for him- though of course he didn't know that. Hope, set to music. The hope that we had both felt, back in the beginning… I had been planning on finishing it, back when I returned from my Arctic trip. When I had finally achieved true control, when I was ready to present myself as the man he had created me to become, and to show my gratitude through my music. Well, it looked like it was going to stay unfinished.

"Something else."

"But it's a wonderful piece, and I don't think I've ever gotten to hear the end."

"Something _else_ ," I repeated sharply. I closed my eyes in revulsion as soon as the words left my mouth. It seemed the more I determined _not_ to behave like a petulant teenager, the more I did it. But what else was new? Jasper clenched his jaw as he worked on his circuit board, subtly filling the room with peace.

"I'm sorry," I added quietly. I took the hint from Jasper and resumed the Debussy piece. But Carlisle sat motionless with his unopened book on his lap, staring at my back while I played.

_What do you want me to say, Edward? It seems that whatever I do makes you unhappier. I'm TRYING._

_So am I_ , I thought bitterly. But as I had demonstrated time after time, it just wasn't enough.

"All right," Jasper announced, slamming the soldering iron down onto the circuit boards with a clatter. "That's it."


	33. Author's Note

Hello everyone, first of all I'm sorry this is not a real update! I try not to do these notes because I know how disappointing it can be to think you're about to read a chapter, but in this case I just wanted to reach out, to say **a) I miss you all** and **b) I must ask for more of your patience** as you wait for the big Jasper-intervention chapter. I've had a few readers (very kindly, thank you!) message me wondering when it will be ready, but all I can say is not yet, I'm sorry! I do have quite a lot of the conversation written but I'm feeling very insecure about it, and toying with the idea of rewriting some parts and/or splitting it into two chapters. I cannot emphasize enough how very important this conversation between Jasper, Carlisle and Edward is and I need it to be absolutely great before sharing it with everyone... (except my awesome pre-readers, who have very patiently been supporting/helping me along!) and believe me, I want this conversation to be over and posted so badly LOL! It's probably the toughest writing challenge I've ever faced so far, and I'm _so_ excited for the action/drama that will be coming afterwards. So if you're worried about me losing interest, don't be :) !

So I wish I could promise to update within the next couple weeks- I _hope_ I will, but only if I'm happy with the finished product. And just out of curiosity, would you guys like to see this conversation as one huge meandering-conversation chapter, or broken into more manageable pieces? I'll make the final call in the end based on how the writing flows, but I'd like to hear what you guys think about that. (note: if I do break it up into two, the second update shouldn't come too long after the first) And thank you again for being the best readers ever! I think (hope!) the wait will be well worth it.


	34. Understanding Part 1

**Here it is, finally! It ended up being one very long chapter, and then a much shorter one. Part II will be up in less than a week. Many, many thanks and hugs to whilewewereyetsinners, Camilla10, and staringatthesky not only for prereading these two chapters, but for all the extra support as I wrangled with this most difficult section of the story. Also, thanks to Panlight (on tumblr), Kyilliki, Rachel and all others who have been helping my headcanon along.**

* * *

"What's what?" I asked in irritation as I continued to play. "And you're going to set the carpet on fire."

Jasper yanked the soldering iron's cord out of the wall, turning back to face me. "The two of you, your emotions. It's literally making me _sick_."

"Then go somewhere else," I said tightly, continuing the song. In a twist of irony, I was just reaching the darkest, stormiest part of the piece. Carlisle just stared down at the book in his hands, trying to decide what to say to either of us, or if he should just leave the room altogether.

"I live here," Jasper shot back. "And trust me, I've been giving you all the space I can, but your emotions are so turbulent and strong lately that it's not enough. Even when you're on the roof," he added meaningfully, turning toward Carlisle. "Do you have any _idea_ how Edward-"

"Don't," I hissed, playing louder.

"Jasper," Carlisle said quietly, "This has been a difficult few months for your brother. I'm sorry that you are also affected, but I think it would be best if you afford him as much emotional privacy as you can."

Jasper shook his head. "I don't have that luxury, any more than Edward has the luxury of avoiding the extra pain coming from my thirst. And you said yourself that this family isn't used to privacy."

"Not in the traditional sense," Carlisle replied. "But we do our best not to betray confidence, or to cause embarrassment or insecurity. I'm sure you've noticed Edward's habit of respecting the thoughts he hears from all of us."

Jasper leaned back onto his hands. "Well, I'm not Edward. And believe me, I wouldn't interfere if I didn't think I needed to. But there is a serious problem between the two of you, and it's been getting exponentially worse in the past three weeks. And to be honest, I'm tired of getting caught in the crossfire. You're always telling me how you want me to feel at home, how you want me to be able to relax and feel like part of the family. And you're always telling me to see my gift as an acceptable and positive part of my identity. So let me _use_ it, then, because there's no way I can feel at home here when the very air between you two is this poisonous."

I stopped playing and slammed the lid down on the keys, finally turning to face them both. "I said leave it alone, Jasper."

Carlisle shot me a miserable look before turning toward Jasper himself. "I'm grateful that you want to help," he said carefully. "And by all means, the extra peace you are capable of creating is always welcome. But…" he glanced at me again. "I think it would be best if you let Edward and I handle our own… difficulty. You've only been with us a short time-"

"And I'm sure I haven't heard the whole story, from either side," Jasper interrupted. "I don't doubt there are thirty years' worth of positive and negative emotions stewing inside both of you. But the fact remains, you need my help. If anything, you're all valuing privacy _too_ much around here. Maybe if you two would actually communicate, you wouldn't be feeling so ridiculously _guilty_ every time you looked at each other."

"Jasper, I said to leave it…" my eyes snapped back over to Carlisle. "Wait, what do _you_ have to feel guilty about?"

Carlisle dropped his eyes, unable to hide the memories as they jumped to the surface, the same ones from the week before: my transformation, and a smattering of the times I had disappointed him. I flinched to see the hard truth again. Why couldn't Jasper just leave it alone?

"This is what I'm talking about," Jasper said in irritation. "With all your silent communication, someone is obviously missing something. You're _both_ feeling guilt right now, over whatever Carlisle is thinking about, and I don't see how that's possible."

"You don't _have_ to feel guilty about that," I said softly to Carlisle. "Just because you regret it, doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

Carlisle's head snapped up, his eyes horrified. "You think that I _regret_ changing you?"

"It's fairly obvious," I murmured, studying my hands. "I can read your mind, you know."

"But you can't feel his emotions," Jasper said firmly. "I can. And I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that Carlisle has never felt a single ounce of regret aimed at you- at least not that I've observed."

"Of course not!" Carlisle said, leaning forward slightly in his chair. "Edward, how could you possibly… I have never, not for a _second_ , regretted changing you. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made!"

I shook my head, looking out the rain-soaked window and wishing I could escape. I _wanted_ to believe him, so badly. His words were like a warm blanket that was trying to wrap around my stone heart, and Jasper seemed sincere… but then, he hadn't been around in 1927.

"What?" Jasper said, frowning at me. I shook my head again, unable to speak, unable to look at Carlisle and his pleading eyes. Jasper flinched suddenly, and then let out a sigh. "This is about those years when you went off on your own?"

My throat tightened even more, and my eyes closed; if only it could be so easy to close my heart to his prying gift. Why was he doing this to me?

But he turned to Carlisle. "Tell him," he urged. "Tell him what you told me."

Carlisle finally came out of his trance and looked away from me. "About what?"

"When I asked you how it felt back then, to see one of your creations reject your philosophy."

Carlisle drew a deep, slow breath, looking warily back at me. "I told him he was asking the wrong question. That… the pain of losing a creation was nothing compared to the pain of losing my son."

Jasper nodded. "To which I replied that human life clearly doesn't mean as much to him as he pretends."

"That's not true," I protested. "Carlisle holds human life to be more sacred than his own."

"His own, possibly, but not yours. Did it ever occur to you, Edward, that Carlisle knew exactly what he was getting himself into when he created his first vampire? That he knew that there was every possibility that the act would lead to an _eternally_ _unlimited_ number of human casualties, the blood of all of which would be on _his_ hands? Tell me," he said, looking back at Carlisle. "What would you have done if Edward – or any of your creations- had rejected your philosophy from the very beginning?"

"Done?" Carlisle asked, his brows furrowing.

"Would you have been willing to execute your creation in order to save the human lives that he was about to take? When you took Edward from that hospital, were you prepared to kill him upon his awakening, should he not choose to accept your teachings about the sanctity of human life?"

"No," Carlisle said without hesitation. "I could never have done that."

"So," Jasper continued, staring pointedly at me, "when you considered the act of creation, for all those decades or centuries or whatever it was, you came to the conclusion that alleviating your loneliness was worth the risk of countless human lives."

"Of _course_ he didn't!" I said hotly, my fists clenching in anger. Why was he doing this?!

"I'm not attacking Carlisle's character," Jasper said calmly. "I'm merely trying to help you understand his values, since you so adamantly insist on measuring yourself against them."

"Values which _you_ admittedly don't understand or share," I retorted. But Carlisle's eyes had dropped to his folded hands.

"No, Jasper's right," he said quietly. "It was a risk I knew I was taking. But I had hope, Jasper. That was why it took so long for me to act- because I had to be certain. Of course there were other considerations; I doubted, for so long, whether I would be able to even complete the act of transformation. I couldn't live with the possibility of… failing. Of attempting the transformation, only to break down and feed, killing the human myself."

"But you could live with the possibility of your _creation_ killing humans," Jasper clarified.

"Yes," Carlisle admitted wearily, "But, again, I had _hope_. And as I said, that's one of the reasons I waited so long. I had to be certain that _I_ was capable of living out the merciful existence that I hoped was possible, before endangering the humans around me with a new vampire. There were some," he added, picturing Aro's face, "who did not believe my way of life was sustainable. That it would weaken me, either to my own detriment or to a weakness of will that would inevitably lead to feeding on humans. I had to ensure that that wasn't true. And I had to be sure that the pain of denying myself would lessen, and not increase over time. I could never condemn anyone to my choice, if it were the latter. I had to be sure that it was possible to feel _more_ human as the centuries wore on, and not less. And then when I saw Edward, my hope doubled. I knew that if I ever had a chance of successfully creating a vampire who would choose what I had chosen, it was him. And I was right."

"No," I said flatly. "You were wrong." It hurt to finally say the words aloud, but this was too much; I couldn't watch Jasper do this to Carlisle without openly acknowledging the truth about myself.

"No, I _wasn't_ ," Carlisle said, frowning. "What you did back then was a mistake, Edward, and that's all it-"

"It wasn't a mistake," I snapped, my fingers digging into the wood of the piano lid behind me. " _I_ was a mistake!"

"Stop!" Jasper interrupted. "Hold it right there. See, this is what I'm talking about. Carlisle, you've got to say that out loud, or he's never going to understand. You're feeling terribly frustrated and sad right now, but you need to tell him _why_."

"Of _course_ he's frustrated!" I shouted back, jerking to my feet. "Wouldn't you be too, if _you_ had waited two hundred years to make yourself a son, only to discover that he was completely incapable of living up to everything you had hoped for?!"

Carlisle held up his hands in protest. "Edward, you're-"

"First of all," Jasper said tightly, "Yes, I _would_ be frustrated to have you for a son, because lately you've been having the most self-absorbed, toxic emotions I've ever had the displeasure of feeling. But you're my brother now, and I'm trying to help you. I'm convinced you don't _need_ to feel half the garbage that you do. So be quiet and sit _down_ , because Carlisle is going to tell you why _he's_ feeling frustrated." His gift flashed like an angry strobe, and I felt the familiar flood of peace seep through me. I glared down at him, but sat and waited for Carlisle to speak.

"I'm frustrated," Carlisle began, looking uncertainly at me, "because I don't understand why you refuse to move on from something that happened twenty years ago. I have told you, over and over, that Esme and I have forgiven you. I don't understand why you can't forgive _yourself_. I don't understand why you're still drowning in guilt over a mistake you made when you were so young."

"I murdered nearly a thousand people, Carlisle," I said darkly. "That isn't the sort of thing that qualifies as a mere mistake."

"I'm not saying that it wasn't a tragedy. I'm saying that it's over, and that it's in the past."

"In other words," Jasper cut in, "you don't understand why he's still feeling guilty, when he has long since recommitted to this way of life and should be moving on."

"Yes."

"I'll vouch for the guilt," he continued, studying me with a clinical gaze. "But it's not what you think. Edward really doesn't feel all that guilty about the murders. No," he said, holding up his hand to stop my protest. "I'm not saying that you've forgiven yourself completely for that. But your guilt regarding the act itself is quite stale, almost... forced. I think you feel that you _need_ to continue to hate yourself for it."

"That doesn't make any sense," Carlisle said slowly. _But I can see that._

"Edward, how did you feel about Carlisle's forgiveness, back when you first returned?"

I shrugged, feeling awkward. "I don't know. I just felt grateful to be back, to have my family again. I wanted to move on. I had to work on my self-control again, and we were moving, and I started college for the first time soon after that."

"And now?"

"Now, what?"

"How do you feel _now_ about Carlisle's forgiveness?"

My jaw clenched shut at the same time as Jasper's did. "I'll give you a hint," he said with a sigh. "You feel _wretched_. You feel unworthy every time you _look_ at him. Now, I have no way of knowing what you're thinking about when you feel those things, but I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty: your escalating guilt is completely separate from that stale guilt I mentioned, when you're talking about the humans you killed. This guilt is complex and fresh, and it is always, without fail, aimed _directly_ at Carlisle."

"Edward feels badly about what happened down at Yale this spring," Carlisle said. "I'm sure it brought back some unpleasant memories. So that's why it feels 'fresher', I suppose? Though I don't see what that has to do with me."

Jasper and I both breathed a laugh simultaneously, though mine was bitter while his sounded more like amusement. He leaned back against the wall and stretched his legs out, kicking aside the circuit boards and the soldering iron to make room. "Carlisle, you really don't understand your son at _all_ , do you?"

" _You_ seem to be enjoying yourself," I muttered.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said, erasing his eager expression. "It's just that I'm intrigued by how other people can be so ignorant of their emotional environment, both within themselves and around them. Especially here, where there's so much peace and safety. It's _fascinating_ …" Then he frowned, glancing at Carlisle. "I'm doing this all wrong, I suppose. It's just that the two of you have come to mean a great deal to me, and you've both done so much to help me adjust to this new life. So if I can use my gift, and maybe even my perspective as a relatively new member of… this family, to help you understand one another, I want to be given the chance." _Please, Edward, let me try!_ he added mentally. _For Carlisle's sake, if nothing else._ _He's very nervous right now, but he's also feeling hopeful toward you._ _He wants this._

I glanced warily at Carlisle; he was indeed looking hopeful, though he was nearly as tense as I was. I nodded, forcing my posture to relax back against the piano again.

"I _want_ to understand," Carlisle murmured. "I know that you can be very hard on yourself, but what does that have to do with me? Why do you find my forgiveness harder to believe now than before? "

"I've never doubted your forgiveness," I began carefully. "And I wasn't surprised by it, not really. Like Jasper said, that's just the way you are. It's just…" I glanced to Jasper, silently asking him for help. These were the kinds of things that I had never even come close to saying aloud before. Jasper closed his eyes in concentration, and I soon felt his influence deepen, an odd combination of heaviness and lightness, loosening my tongue as it had on the day he failed the blood challenge.

"It's just that your forgiveness isn't enough," I said in a rush. "It's… cheap. You would forgive anyone of anything. You're so generous, so willing to understand and forgive, that it makes it worthless. Not that I'm not grateful," I added quickly, seeing his frown, "but I didn't earn that forgiveness."

"You didn't _need_ to earn it," Carlisle sighed.

"I'm noticing a trend, Carlisle," Jasper observed from his corner. "You say you want to understand Edward's emotional situation. But every time he tries to tell you how he feels, you disagree with him. I know it's because you're frustrated with his self-hatred, but do you think he might be more willing to talk to you if you were to actually _listen_ instead of constantly interrupting him and informing him that his feelings and opinions are wrong?"

"I…" Carlisle looked at me sheepishly. _He's right. "_ I didn't realize I was doing that. I'm sorry, Edward. You were saying something about feeling like you needed to earn my forgiveness."

"I'm aware that you don't think I need to earn anything. But I've felt an increasing need to… prove myself." I swallowed, shamefully meeting his eyes. "To you."

"Prove what?"

"That I was _worthy_ of that forgiveness! That I was worthy of being accepted back so easily. That I can be trusted, or trusted again."

"But I _do_ trust you, and you _don't_ have to prove any-"

"Carlisle," Jasper said, one eyebrow raised. "you're doing it again."

Carlisle shut his mouth, trying to rework his words. "What I mean is, I don't understand why you would feel unworthy of forgiveness, or feel like I don't trust you."

"I saw you," I whispered. "I saw your face, in Tanya's memory. The day after I left, when you went up to Denali and she told you that I wasn't there. It was obvious that _that_ was the moment when you knew what I was doing." I clenched my teeth and my hand slipped into my pocket, my fingers slipping around the diamond as if I could draw some strength from it. "I saw how hard it hit you, to realize that I had rejected the way you had taught me to live. To realize _what_ you had created."

Carlisle nodded. "That was the moment, yes. But as I was saying earlier, it wasn't so much a matter of grieving the loss of a creation, a mere disciple… I was grieving the loss of my son. Of _you_. Yes, it grieved me that my act of creation would now be causing human deaths. But that was a risk I had known I was taking all along, as Jasper pointed out."

Jasper frowned, reading Carlisle's emotions. "You felt a deep sense of failure."

Carlisle leaned back in the chair, his mind skipping through countless snapshots of my early years, of Esme's early years. "Yes. You can imagine the relief I felt before that, back in the mid-twenties. I had successfully created two vampires, and both of them were choosing to make the same merciful choice I had. But it was so much more than that, Jasper. I had gotten so much more than I had dared to hope for. I had hoped, at best, to create a companion, a friend who I could talk to, who would understand and agree with the choices I made. But instead, I found that I had a son. And then I found Esme, my true mate, the one who completed me… but even more still. I had a _family_. And so on that day up in Alaska, _that_ was the loss that I was mourning. I had lost my son, and I didn't even know if I would ever see him again. I didn't know if my son would ever _want_ to see me again. I did feel an enormous sense of failure, Jasper, but not just as a creator who had failed to keep his creation loyal, who had failed to protect human life. I felt that I was a failure, as a father."

I drew in a sharp breath as the guilt burned through me anew. This was even _worse_ , to know that Carlisle's disappointment that day hadn't even been centered on the murders I was committing. I had hurt _him_ in a deeply personal way, in a way that was even more cruel than rejecting his teachings. I had rejected his love. I had rejected _him_.

Jasper flinched. "Whatever you're thinking about, Edward, you had better say it out loud."

"You were never a failure, Carlisle," I choked out. "I was the failure. I was the one who completely failed to live up to the life you gave me. I was the one…" I swallowed, trying again. "I _knew_ what I was doing, Carlisle. You always want to take responsibility- for all of us- but it was my decision. I decided to leave, and I decided to reject everything you had taught me."

"It wasn't so simple as that," Carlisle protested. "Your scent addiction-"

"Don't," I pleaded. My fingers tightened around the diamond, dangerously close to crushing it. " _Don't_ make excuses for me."

"I second that," Jasper said firmly. "You haven't just been minimizing Edward's feelings during this conversation. I think you've been doing it all along."

"But it really _wasn't_ as simple as Edward makes it out to be," Carlisle protested.

Jasper waved his hand lazily. "Yes, yes. What if the Guards hadn't come? What if Edward hadn't gotten himself wrapped up in blood scents? How much of that addiction was psychological? What if you had seen more clearly what was happening, and gotten involved before Edward decided he needed to leave? Would he have left another day, had none of that happened when it did? It doesn't matter. The bottom line is that Edward left and fed on humans for four years, and then came back. He still feels terrible about it, terrible guilt to the point of hallucinations-"

"Jasper!" I hissed.

"You still see them, after all these years?" Carlisle asked in horror. "The faces?"

I glared at my brother, nodding.

"Sorry," Jasper muttered in a very unapologetic tone. "But that's the kind of thing that you haven't been telling Carlisle, and you need to. If anything, you're feeling _worse_ as time goes on, not because of what you chose to do, but because of what it did to _him_. I still don't see why that has worsened over time, but apparently it has. And Carlisle, pretending that it wasn't a major emotional event in both your lives isn't going to help. The more you deny Edward the right to feel guilty, the guiltier he's going to feel. You need to acknowledge the depth of despair he feels over what he did, and you need to admit how much it hurt _you_. You need to explain the emotions that you've gone through over the course of those events, because he doesn't understand. His gift doesn't transmit emotions; you've got to _tell_ him how you felt then, and how you feel now. Only then will he understand that your forgiveness actually means something, and that he can accept it."

Carlisle took a deep breath, looking first at Jasper and then myself uncertainly, his mind a gelatinous swirl of memories and emotion. Jasper closed his eyes in concentration as he followed along, then nodded. "Yes," he said after a moment. "That's it exactly. Tell him all of that. No, wait!" He sat up higher against the wall. "I want to try something. Edward, Carlisle is experiencing several very intense emotions right now, and I think you need to feel them. So I'm going to try to… _narrate_ Carlisle's emotions as he tells you. And I'll do the same for you, as we go along."

I leaned slightly away from Jasper, unsure what he was cooking up. But Carlisle finally got up his nerve and began to speak.

 _Please, please don't let me make this worse..._ "When you left…"

"Earlier," Jasper interrupted. "When you found him. _Before_ you found him."

"Oh. All right…" Carlisle's thoughts swirled again, coalescing into a drab image of a hospital room. "Well, as I said, I had been considering creating a companion for some time. There were so many obstacles, so many factors to consider… anyway, by the time you and I met, I had almost convinced myself that I was ready to try."

Jasper turned to face me, and I felt a keen sense of loneliness spread inside me. Carlisle continued on. "I would need to find the right person, of course- I knew I would never choose someone who wasn't already dying, and it would need to be someone who I could remove without suspicion. I also wanted to choose someone who seemed calm, manageable, intelligent, and who seemed like a _good_ person- these qualities would increase the chances of my creation choosing to follow my diet."

"Someone young and impressionable," Jasper mused. "But old enough not to be considered an immortal child."

"No, not at all. I didn't even consider the idea of creating a son or daughter… just… a friend. I had visited once or twice with the Denalis, and considered them my extended family, in a way, but their solitary lifestyle was never something I wanted. And the fact that I was unmated made things rather awkward with the three sisters. It wasn't until later that we began seeing them more often. I supposed my greatest hope was that my creation might choose to stay with me, or at least be like a brother or sister, someone I could feel close to and share my life and values with, even if we parted ways occasionally."

"What is it, Edward?" Jasper asked, noting my confusion and surprise.

"I never knew… I thought you _were_ looking to create a son. I always thought… Carlisle, I distinctly heard it in your memory. When you saw me in the hospital, you thought _this is the kind of son I would have wanted to have_."

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, but that was the first time the idea occurred to me."

"I think this is important," Jasper said. "Edward, so much of your guilt seems to be based on the expectations that you _thought_ Carlisle had for you, but weren't actually his expectations at all. You thought that making himself a son –finding _you_ \- was the goal all along. You thought that he never conceived of the possibility that his creation might not choose his way of life."

I nodded slowly. "I… see what you mean. It does make things…" I looked at him for help again, unsure of what I was trying to say.

"Your burden feels eased," Jasper suggested.

I nodded. "That, and I feel like an idiot."

Jasper snorted. "Go on, Carlisle."

"There was so much about Edward's situation that was just so…" He waved his hand. _Miraculous._ "...uncannily perfect. There was the flu epidemic, for one thing. The disorganization at the hospital and the patients constantly going in and out made it the perfect time to whisk someone out without being noticed. There was also the fact that Edward had lost his parents, and had no other family to my knowledge."

"No one to investigate his disappearance," Jasper guessed.

"Exactly. Or to grieve his loss. There was the manner of his death, too. His decline was slow enough that I had time to deliberate, time to act discreetly without arousing suspicion, but also severe enough that I had no doubts about his mortality. I couldn't have done it if there was any chance of truly _saving_ his life." Carlisle turned to me, now. "And then there was your mother," he said with a sad smile. "I can't even begin to guess how she knew my secret, or how much she knew of it. But her request moved me greatly."

Jasper silently named each emotion as he passed them on to me in quick succession. Disbelief. Fear. Confusion, turning quickly to anticipation and hope. "Would you have changed Edward, then, if she hadn't spoken to you?"

"I can't say for certain... but yes, I think I would have. Because the greatest factor of all was Edward himself. There were admirable qualities in his mother, certainly; her selflessness was especially obvious. His father was already too far gone upon his admittance for me to learn anything about his character. But _Edward_ …" His memory drifted back again to the hospital room, to the sweaty, pale boy that I had been. But to my surprise, his mind also flicked over other faces- strangers in other hospital beds, two middle-aged men and then a woman. And one bloodied face- this time a young man lying unconscious in the twisted remains of a carriage. "I had faced the possibility a few times before that day, wondering if it was time. But something stopped me each time, or something was missing… or I didn't feel ready, myself.

"But when I saw Edward… there was just so much goodness in his face, his eyes, almost as if a light was shining out from him. I won't say it was a sign from Heaven, exactly, but I truly can't describe the feeling I had at that moment. I hadn't even met him before, but the instant I saw him, I was drawn to him… and to his fate. I was immediately struck by the _wrongness_ of this boy's life ending so suddenly and so uselessly. I treated both him and his mother throughout that day, and while I had little conversation, the love and devotion they had for each other was striking.

"It was enough to keep me there after my shift ended for the day; Edward seemed even weaker than his mother at that point, and while the decision that lay before me was daunting, I knew I might miss my chance altogether if I waited until the next evening. I stood in the shadows and watched as Edward and his mother both weakened. And I began to see the evidence of the goodness I had first guessed at hours before. Even as he lay dying, even as the fever burned away his reason, I could see it. He dedicated every ounce of his energy to comforting his mother- even to the point of trying to sing to her, long after his dying lungs could support the effort. In his confusion, he thought she was still healthy and kept warning her away so that he wouldn't make her sick. He tried more than once to get up and go to her, though he was too weak. He worried about his father. And though he was afraid, even weeping and desperate in prayer, he never once turned to anger or bitterness. "

The secondhand emotions churned again, slowly settling into a peaceful sense of rightness. "You showed me this before, back in '35," I said quietly. "And I still don't see why it made you choose me."

Carlisle smiled sadly. "I've watched a lot of people die, Edward. Those are the moments when all pretense falls away, when the true nature of a person is revealed. Their deepest values rise to the surface. Their temperament, their fears, their most treasured memories… it all comes out, especially in a case like yours, when mild delirium has set in. I became more confident with every moment that you were the sort of person that I could change. And then when your mother spoke to me, it was all confirmed again. It was like my last doubts were being chipped away, like she was entrusting me with your rescue, _knowing_ that it wasn't going to be through conventional means. All those years I had been deliberating, and here I had a mother staring me in the eyes and telling me to save her son through any means necessary!"

"She couldn't have understood what she was asking," I said darkly, pushing aside the hope and excitement that Jasper was relaying.

"Perhaps not. And perhaps it _was_ foolish of me to base my assessment of your character on one night of fevered rambling. But of one thing I am certain, Edward, and that is that your mother would be proud to see the man you've become. Because the way you've turned out has _exceeded_ the fledging hopes I formed when I decided to change you."

I shook my head in bitter protest. This was exactly the sort of empty platitude that Carlisle always insisted upon every time we inched toward this conversation. Even if he half believed the things he was saying, that didn't make them true… expectations or not.

Jasper shifted uncomfortably against the wall, his eyes darting back and forth between Carlisle and me. "I think you'd better explain that further," he told Carlisle, "because Edward doesn't believe you. This is exactly the kind of miscommunication I've been feeling between you two. You're having the same conversation, but you're on completely different emotional planes. You're feeling love and pride, and I can feel your expectant hope extending toward Edward as you speak. But he's just feeling unworthy and angry. He still doesn't understand."

"Understand what?" I sighed.

Jasper turned back to me, his face a thin mask of patience. "That you can take Carlisle at his word. His emotions run very deep, but they are much simpler and steadier than your own. There aren't any buried traces of lingering disappointment, as you seem to think. Carlisle just paid you an incredible compliment, and you can take it at face value. He is feeling nothing but love and pride for you right now. Those emotions are not forced or pretended; they're _real_. How do you think it makes Carlisle feel when you refuse to accept his love and forgiveness? His pride? He may have been minimizing your guilt all these years, but you've been minimizing his feelings as well."

I felt it again, the unnatural churning inside me as Jasper forced me to feel what Carlisle felt. And Jasper was right; it was just as wrong of me to scoff at Carlisle's emotions as it was for him to shut me down every time I tried to share my own. But belief was easier said than done. "How?" I asked dumbly. "How can you be _proud_ of me?"

Carlisle smiled and the parade of memories began again. "I don't say it often enough, I suppose. But I _am_ proud of you. When I changed you, I was saving the life of a seventeen-year-old boy, and hoped beyond hope that you would choose to stay with me as a son, or a friend, or whatever seemed right. And of course I hoped that you would choose to live as I did, sparing human lives. And all those hopes have been fulfilled. You _did_ become that companion, that friend I was hoping for; I never could have guessed at all the common ground you and I would find, even common interests. And you chose, with the brief exception of your years away, to embrace the values I had taught you… that I hardly needed to teach you, as it turned out. Even that smallest, most precious hope was fulfilled; you became my son."

The pride shifted to love then- not the romantic, complicated love that Jasper had accidentally sent me at times regarding his own feelings for Alice, but a deep, solid, tender warmth. It felt like being wrapped in a soft blanket, safe and protected.

"I can never tell you, even Jasper cannot simulate, what it meant to me to _become_ your father. My life suddenly had so much more meaning, so much purpose beyond myself and the humans I found myself near. But the reward that I didn't foresee, and didn't think to hope for, was that I was going to be able to watch you _grow_."

"Grow?" Jasper echoed doubtfully. "We don't do that."

"We most certainly do," Carlisle said firmly. "I agree that it's rare for our kind to undergo any kind of essential _change_. Our natures are arguably set in stone. But when our circumstances change drastically, or anything strongly positive or negative happens, I contend that our species is actually quite adaptable, and capable of growth and learning. Take myself, for example: I've gone from being a solitary nomad to having a mate and being the head of a large, rather unorthodox family. Those changes have changed _me_ , not only in the internal change that my love for them has brought, but in terms of my priorities and responsibilities. You pointed out only moments ago how my _moral_ priorities have shifted as a result of having a family. And as the years go on, I try to continue to adapt accordingly. My creations no longer need my guidance and constant attention as they did when they were new, and I've tried to accommodate that growth in them. I try to be less involved in their decisions and only give advice when needed or requested… by the way, Jasper, I realize I've been quite involved in making decisions for _you_ since your arrival. But it's only temporary, and I mean no offense."

"None taken," Jasper said with a nod. "Now what were you saying about Edward?"

"It's the same principle. In some ways, Edward is still the young man that I changed in 1918. But he has grown quite a bit since then, because, like me, he has gone through an unusual number of changes in a relatively short time. Each new person in our family has taught him something new, grown something in him… as I hope it has in me, in all of us." Carlisle looked back at me again. "I think that living with Rosalie, for example, has grown your patience and your ability to love unconditionally, while having Emmett for a brother has taught you how to laugh and enjoy yourself more. But the same can be said for new experiences." He leaned forward slightly. "In fact, Edward… it might be said that your time away from us was the most defining event of all, in terms of your maturity."

I didn't scoff at him this time. I was, ever so cautiously, beginning to believe his words, and beginning to trust in the emotions Jasper was passing along. "What do you mean?" I asked quietly.

"I mean that when you came back, I could see that you had changed. Before you left, you were always dutiful, amicable, intelligent, reasonable… much the way I had found you. I had already seen some growth in you because of Esme; she brought out a tenderness in you, or perhaps awoke it again, after so many years apart from your human mother. But when you came back, you were older, somehow. You had a new sense of responsibility for yourself, a conviction to do the right thing that was your _own_ , instead of just sharing mine. I'm honestly not sure if you could have arrived at those changes if you hadn't gone off on your own for a while, and been forced to examine your values the way you did. You had left and freed yourself to become a nomad- which had always been your right- and yet you _chose_ to return to us. You had tried a life other than the one I had taught you, and yet you _chose_ to return to this one. You had become your own man, and yet you _chose_ to be a part of our family again. To be our son again. You speak of wondering why I chose you, Edward, but you are the one that chose _us_." He drew a deep breath. "And I am so glad… so very glad you did."

"Why?" Jasper prodded. "Why are you glad?" Carlisle faltered, looking back at him for help. Jasper shook his head. "No. I can only do so much. He needs you to _tell_ him, _out loud_."

Carlisle looked at me, uncertainty and hope warring in his eyes. But when he saw the dawning hope in my own, he swallowed his fear and spoke. "I was glad because you never stopped being my son. I never, not for an instant, stopped loving you. Jasper was absolutely right when he said that preserving human life is not my highest priority… not anymore, at any rate. And perhaps that is wrong of me. But the truth is that I love my family, every one of you, far too much to be ruled by my… duty, even my compassion for humanity. I suppose if the sanctity of human life _were_ my greatest or only concern, I might have felt differently when you left. I might have regretted changing you, as you thought. I might have felt compelled to come find you, even _kill_ you, to save those lives you were bent on taking. I would at the very least have washed my hands of you, unable to love my creation any longer after you had rejected my deepest values. But that is not what happened when you left. It felt…"

"Go on," Jasper murmured. He tensed, his eyes darkening further as he absorbed the next wave of Carlisle's emotion.

Carlisle's own expression twisted into agony as his eyes closed. "It felt like a part of me was torn away. It felt like I had failed at _everything_. And yes, part of that was knowing that my act of creation was finally going to ruin people's lives… end them. That blood was on _my_ hands. But as I said earlier, that was nothing compared to the pain of losing you. I _missed_ you, Edward, everything about you. I missed your piano music, your satire, your scent, your laugh, the gentle way you treated Esme, all of our discussions about literature and science… even your complaints about school and the way you rolled your eyes when Esme tried to fix your hair. Everything. And I _was_ hurt, and angry. I was angry that you had left without warning or explanation. I could see that you wanted to protect us from the truth, but I was hurt that you hadn't confided any of your burdens in me, not even at the end. I was confused why things had changed so suddenly for you, and so many years after your transformation.

"I felt my own failure, when I realized that your scent addiction had been worsening under my very nose and I had completely missed it. I felt that I was a failure as a father, for failing to inspire enough trust that you would come to me… for failing to inspire you against your instincts, in the end. And I was terribly worried about you- where you would go, whether you would be happy, whether you would be safe. I worried that you might reconsider the invitation the Volturi had given you. I worried how long it would take you to realize your mistake, and how deeply it would scar you. Because I knew, I _knew_ beyond the shadow of a doubt that you wouldn't be able to keep killing humans forever. I had faith in that goodness I had first seen in you, that I had seen all along. I didn't know whether you would ever come home or not… but I always hoped you would. But even if you hadn't, you would have remained my son forever. Esme and I would have been waiting for your return for the rest of our days. We could never have been whole again."

Carlisle was finally letting me see memories that he had kept deeply buried until now: his hands shaking as he read my journals over and over again. Staring out the window at the woods for hours at a time, Esme at his side. Staring at the telephone. A tattered, faded note in his hands that had been hung on the door and taken down so many times, that the paper itself had begun to deteriorate. Esme's handwriting had all but faded.

_Edward, We'll be back shortly._ _Please, stay until we come home… no matter what._ _We love you._

I saw his fist crumple the note and drop it into a wastebasket. I saw Esme crying again, and then a memory so unbearable that my breathing stopped: _Carlisle_ was weeping as he sat alone on the couch in my bedroom, his head in his hands as he forced himself to accept that there was no point in writing a new note. That he and Esme would continue to hope and wait forever, but that they had already stayed in Montana far too long. Wondering how he was going to tell Esme, when he knew it would set off her weeping again. How forcing himself to utter that defeat aloud would treble his own grief.

The pain grew worse. My heart twisted and convulsed inside me as the emotions came in rapid fire, piling on top of my own guilt. I was left with a monstrous ache, an emptiness that tore at every corner of my mind.

"I knew I had hurt you," I murmured, my voice coming out too high. "But this… I never meant… I'm _sorry_."

"I know, son," Carlisle said quietly. "I know you are." Then he turned to Jasper. "You're hurting him. No more."

But my brother was suffering as well, his knees drawn up and his hands fisted in his hair. "He needed to feel it," came his pained reply. He lifted his head, his eyes nearly black, and looked at me in exhaustion. "And even this, Edward, is just my imperfect copy of what Carlisle truly feels- what he must have felt back then. I can't bear to give you any more than this."

Carlisle finally noticed the strain Jasper was under. "Are you all right?"

Jasper shook his head. "It's difficult, but I'll be fine. Can we please move on, to when Edward came back? That part should be… easier."

"By all means."

Jasper sighed in relief. A moment later I felt his gift working, and I was able to breathe again. As before, he silently named each emotion as it joined the blend. _Relief, joy, gratitude… pity._ _Fear._

"Why fear?" I asked.

"When you came back," Carlisle began, "you looked terrible. I… wasn't surprised. I had known that when your conscience caught up with you, you would suffer. I was relieved you had come home instead of trying to work everything out alone. But it seemed that you hadn't truly repented of what you had done, yet, nor decided to stay with us. I was afraid it was just a visit… I was afraid I was going to lose you again."

"Stop," Jasper interrupted. "I want you to feel what Edward's feeling right now." He turned to me, nodding his encouragement; it seemed it was time for me to have a turn telling the story. I took a deep breath, for once unafraid. It was hard to tell what _I_ was feeling anymore; Jasper's emotional narrative was getting so complicated and blurred that a human probably would have passed out from the stress. But in me, everything was running together in a stoic deadness. It was surprisingly freeing; it made it easier to think and speak. I finally told Carlisle about the tremors. I went on with the account of my return home, but this time with all the darker details that I had left out of my scant account he had read in my journals. Carlisle listened without judgment or interruption as I spoke, looking pained as Jasper announced aloud the emotions he was passing along: unworthiness. Self-disgust. Embarrassment. Shame, giving way to relief and gratitude. I clenched my teeth, forcing myself to relive the memories in detail in order to make the emotions as genuine as possible; if Carlisle really wanted to do this, the least I could do was make it accurate.

"And how did you feel, Carlisle?" Jasper asked. "After it was all over, and you three had moved?"

"I felt relieved… grateful. Happy. At peace." We all relaxed as Jasper eagerly circulated these more benign emotions. "And as I said, I was already beginning to see changes in Edward that made me proud. And when our family grew again with Rosalie, and then with Emmett, Edward grew even more. Not only in the traits I mentioned earlier, that were unique to his relationship with each of them, but I saw an even greater sense of responsibility emerge. When Esme was new, we both helped her adjust to her new life. But when Rosalie and Emmett were new, Edward took on a lot more of the responsibility."

"He helped 'raise' them?"

"Yes, I suppose you could put it that way. Both his gift and his experience were invaluable as they each learned self-control and began participating in the human world. But he was also their friend, their brother. He was there for them both in ways that Esme and I never could have been- especially when they were at school. And, Edward… correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you find a great deal of fulfillment in helping them?"

I shrugged. "A little."

"Wrong," Jasper interrupted. "You feel a _great_ deal of pride and fulfillment right now. And you feel… worthy? That's not something I often feel from you." I shrugged again.

Carlisle remembered what Esme had said about me last month. _You know how much it means to him to feel needed._ "I think Edward is like me in that way. I know I'm more at peace when I feel I'm doing something useful, productive… what?"

Jasper was staring at me, his dark eyes wide with interest. "What made you feel that?" he asked. "You suddenly feel happy, and even more proud than a moment ago. I hardly ever feel anything this positive coming from you. And now you're feeling embarrassed… but I think this is important. What did Carlisle say to make you feel that way?"

It _was_ embarrassing. But Carlisle had been so painstakingly honest about his own feelings; I owed him the same. "It was when he said that I was like him, in that one small way. That… means a lot to me."

Carlisle blinked. "It does?"

Jasper cocked his head, studying me again. "I knew you admired Carlisle a great deal, but I had no idea… and now you're feeling unworthy again. Why?"

"Because…" I took a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. "Because no matter how hard I try, I _can't_."

"Can't what?" Carlisle asked.

"I can't be _like you_ ," I said lamely. "I just… I'm not the same as you. I've tried… I've tried _so hard_ , Carlisle, but it's just not in me."

"Odd," Jasper mused. "I see you two as being very similar."

I snorted, looking to Carlisle for a similar reaction. But instead he was _agreeing_ with Jasper.

"Not in temperament," Jasper qualified.

"No," Carlisle admitted. "But in so many other ways. Edward, do you remember when Alice and Jasper first arrived, and Jasper was telling us that his first impression of you was that you were my… lieutenant?"

"Yes…"

"Well, I had never thought about it that way before- and of course there's no comparing our family to a military model. But in a sense, you _do_ fill that role. You have always been the one to understand my values, my goals for us as a family. You have always been the one to help me _manage_ things, for lack of a better word. I feel that I can trust you to act in my absence, to even lead when necessary. You've learned a great deal about what it takes to run a household, to manage the complications of our human charade. So… I suppose that while in some ways you are the youngest, I also rely on you as the oldest."

I didn't respond in any way; I was frozen in shock. Was he talking about _me_?

"I can see all that," Jasper said thoughtfully. He was remembering the moment Carlisle and I had come in the door to confront him about our suspicions regarding his gift, that first night. He had noticed how I moved in step with Carlisle, and how Carlisle had waited for my agreement before pronouncing his own judgment. "Has it always been that way?"

Carlisle shook his head, smiling sadly. "No. Edward had a very trying newborn year- almost two years, really, because of the extra burden of his gift. He needed a lot of extra guidance, not least because I was quite untried as a father and a leader. And as I said earlier, much of his maturity came out of his time away, and through the times our family has grown. And _I_ needed to learn to respect that growth, something I don't think I began to do until 1931."

Jasper turned to me. "And how do you feel about all this? You seem to think yourself an unworthy and disappointing child, and Carlisle seems to think you his right-hand man."

I finally thawed back to life, shaking my head. "How can you _possibly_ think those things about me?"

Carlisle smiled. "Well, some of that comes naturally because of your gift. I have the ability to communicate with you discreetly, and even unintentionally; that gives you a distinct advantage, and makes you my natural lieutenant, and our lookout. But like I said, it's mainly because you remind me so much of myself, and have so closely shared my values, since your return home."

"Share your _values_?" I scoffed. "Did I share your values when I ran off to torture Royce King? When I tried to convince you to kill Emmett while he was in transition? When I threw you under the bus earlier this summer, just so I could hurt Rosalie the best way I knew how?"

Jasper's eyebrows shot up. _You wanted to kill Emmett?_

Carlisle's smile grew. "I didn't say we always agreed, or that it's always been easy. And I also didn't say you were perfect, or completely mature. As I've had to remind you a few times over the years, there are some parts of your development that will never be complete. I still believe you will always need a bit of guidance…. temperance."

"No kidding," I muttered.

"But let's not be selective," he continued. "I'm also remembering all those times you kept Esme company as a newborn, so that I could go to work. All the times I saw you force yourself to be polite to Rosalie during her first two years. When you took the time to teach Emmett how to read-"

"Wait, how did you know about that?"

His eyes sparkled. "Oh, Esme knew what you were up to the whole time. She said it was one of the most adorable sights she had ever seen, her two boys sitting in the dirt and scribbling the alphabet. Anyway, I could easily come up with hundreds of times like that, when I was not only proud of you, but _grateful_ to have you at my side."

His mental imagery sped up, sweeping quickly through other memories: he and I literally standing side by side as we faced down the werewolves. A few instances where my gift had come in handy, either in preventing accidents or helping us know when it was time to move. Rosalie's tentative smile as I escorted her out the door to her first symphony, and the image blurred to when I escorted her down the aisle to give her away at her and Emmett's wedding. My eyes black and starved as I helped Carlisle repair the damage to Emmett's arm during his transition. An image of me "chasing" Alice down the street as we evaded the police several weeks ago. An image of me sitting in a downpour by the Hoquiam Police Station for an entire weekend, using my gift to ensure that the wolves hadn't proved treacherous. A handful of times that he had observed my piano music soothing frayed nerves in one family member or another.

Jasper relaxed as Carlisle's memories continued. He breathed deeply and I felt his influence again. _He's feeling his usual love for you now, but with quite a lot of gratitude as well, and pride._ I nodded my acknowledgement, feeling myself naturally unwind as I let the warmth settle through me.

"Edward believes you this time," he announced in relief. "He's feeling… this is a tough one. Validated? Important?" He looked at me for help; I had a feeling he didn't really need it.

"I feel… " I began, frowning. I wasn't any better at this than Carlisle was. Why didn't Jasper just do this for me? "It means a lot to see those things in your memory," I told my father slowly. "Like you said, it's good to feel useful."

"I hope you feel more than _that_ ," Carlisle said gently. He quickly showed me another series of memories which didn't really involve my being useful at all: myself and Emmett, covered in mud and laughing as we wrestled in the rain. The look of rapture on my face as I composed various piano pieces. My pretended annoyance thinly veiling my good humor as Esme fussed over my hair. The obvious joy I took from running at my top speed.

"You like to see me happy," I said slowly.

Carlisle nodded. "You are my son, first and foremost, Edward. Your happiness means the world to me. I'm just beginning to see how… sparing I've been with letting you know how important it is. I think I just tend to assume that you know how I feel, via my thoughts."

"And I've been stubborn," I replied quietly. "I've been so determined to be worthy of you that I've been refusing to believe that you love me the way I am."

"That's exactly right," Jasper said, leaning his head back in exhausted relief. " _Thank_ you."

"You look terrible," I observed pointedly.

Jasper rolled his dark eyes. _You're welcome._ He combed a trembling hand back through his hair, swallowing against the burn in his throat. "I need to hunt."

I cocked my head, realizing with a jolt that Alice's mind was less than a mile away. "That can be arranged. That girl sure has a knack for showing up at the right time, doesn't she?"

Jasper smiled, sliding to his feet. "That she does. Will you two be all right without me, though? I think you probably have more to talk about. I could hunt later…"

"No," Carlisle said. _He does look terrible._ "Alice is waiting for you, and I think we can manage."

_Dinnertime!_

Alice's light tap on the picture window caught Jasper's attention. "Just a minute," he called, turning back to us. "I just want to say something before I go." He glanced warily at Carlisle, taking a deep breath. "Can we all stop playing human for a minute here? Because we _aren't_ human. Our kind aren't meant to have things like this, Carlisle. A real home, so must trust and peace, so much _life_ , where the worst dangers are these troublesome family misunderstandings… to have family, at all!" He spun his wedding ring on his hand as he glanced out the window, and his gift brightened as he sent Alice something.

"But here we are. I know I'm not as human or as… well, as _principled_ as the two of you, but I know a good thing when I feel it. I'm grateful to be here, and I hope that _you_ , Edward, realize how fortunate you are to be loved like this by the one who made you. We weren't all so lucky. And Carlisle, believe me when I say that Edward feels nothing but respect and awe and love for you. His darker emotions are reserved only for himself. He _does not blame you_. And… I apologize if I've caused offense today, by interfering, but I think you will both be better able to understand and trust each other now."

"I hope so," Carlisle said warmly. "I can't thank you enough, Jasper." I nodded my agreement.

Carlisle and I were silent for a few moments after Jasper left. As the remainder of his influence faded away, I realized that none of the awkwardness from before was left; I just felt safe. _Loved_. But one thing remained, before I could truly accept the peace that Carlisle had been offering for so long. He had such faith in my… _goodness_ , but he didn't know everything yet. That faith was misplaced, though it _was_ genuine, I understood now. But it was only fair that he know the full truth about how close I had come to disaster this summer. If he was willing to forgive that, too… then I could stop fighting him. I could hold onto this feeling of being safe and warm, and never doubt his love again.

I took a deep breath, pretending I still felt the courage that Jasper had given me earlier. "Carlisle… there's something I need to tell you."


	35. Understanding Part 2

**Another round of thanks to whilewewereyetsinners, Camilla10, and staringatthesky for their prereading, help and support for this section!**

**I think you will all enjoy this short, but sweet, conclusion to the conversation.**

* * *

Carlisle waited patiently as I somehow gathered the courage to start speaking again.

"Have Alice or Jasper told you why they came when they did?"

"No. Alice just said they came to find us when it was time. You know how she is about destiny."

I shook my head. "It wasn't destiny. They weren't planning on coming anytime soon. They liked having their time alone, and they both wanted to wait until Jasper's control was better, and his eyes golden. Jasper himself was in no hurry at all… you know how wary he was about us at first."

Carlisle nodded. _Then…?_

"It was because of me. After the whole incident down at Yale…" I glanced at Carlisle, half expecting to see his usual frown and protest over my angst. But he was still listening, just with a new glint of sadness in his eyes. "That next evening, when we drove back home from Connecticut and you had to go in there and face Rosalie… I listened more than I should have. Esme was so worried that Rosalie might want to leave again, and I felt so wretched because the whole thing was my fault…" Carlisle still didn't interrupt. "I felt that _I_ should leave for a while, just to give everyone else some peace. I was going to leave the very next day."

Understanding finally dawned over Carlisle's mind. "But Alice and Jasper arrived instead, and you stayed because of that."

"Yes. Alice saw what I was planning, and decided to intervene."

"Why? You know that you have every right to live on your own if you like. You had already rented out that apartment down in New Haven, after all. Though I wouldn't want you to ever feel like you _have_ to leave. None of you should ever feel that way."

"I wasn't planning on anything like that," I said darkly. "I was going to go straight to the North Pole and stop feeding."

Carlisle's breathing stopped instantly. "For how long?"

"As long as it took. I thought… I thought if I could push my thirst to the extreme, if I could achieve control over the monster, over _myself_ , at that point, then I would finally get there. I would finally be strong enough."

"Where could you possibly have gotten…" He stopped and clenched his jaw, remembering how he had shared the memory of his newborn struggle with me that night. I nodded reluctantly, and his eyes closed in grief. "Edward, no. _No_. I don't _ever_ want you to go through anything like what I suffered." _No wonder Alice stopped you._

"She didn't stop me because of that. She stopped me because of the results."

Carlisle nodded, his eyes opening. "An accident?" _She must have seen how upset you would be._

My fingers tangled together on my knees, and I took a final breath; this was it. I would tell him everything, even if it destroyed everything. He deserved nothing but the truth. "It started that way… at least I think it did. Remember Margaret Weiss? That girl back in Montana who smelled so good, and who I… wrote about sometimes?" He nodded slightly. "It was her. I don't why it was her, or how I felt after, but it went downhill from there. I started taking women all the time. I don't think it had anything to do with criminals. It looked like I was trying to feed from animals once, but my eyes never changed. The women got younger, in the pictures later on…" I gasped in another breath, desperate to get it over with before Carlisle could stop me. He was sitting on the edge of his seat, frozen, the ghastly images playing out in _his_ mind now. "It ended in Volterra. I don't know why."

Carlisle shivered once, breaking out of his silence. "You were _executed_?"

I shook my head, looking down at my hands with a dead laugh. "Inducted."

The wait was interminable. Carlisle was replaying what I had told him over and over, trying to understand. Trying to make the pieces fit together, to wrap his brain around a future in which his son could _possibly_ have done those things.

"It doesn't matter," I said harshly. "The point is, I did them. That future was real. _That_ is what I'm capable of, Carlisle."

He sighed. _I know._

I finally looked up, bracing myself for the disappointment I knew was on his face. I saw now that Jasper was right; I hadn't been fair in acknowledging the depth of Carlisle's love and trust. I had been assigning him disappointment and regret instead, assuming that I knew what was in his heart. I hadn't realized how much it would hurt now, to finally create that breach in reality. To know, without a doubt, that I had finally gone too far.

But my father's face was unchanged. I saw the same unfettered love in his eyes, shadowed only with sadness. This made no sense. I had just told him what monstrous things I was capable of, complete with proof through Alice's visions, and he looked like _nothing had changed_. Did he not understand how Alice's gift worked? Or was this, too, forgiveness?

"You have to tell me," I blurted out. "You have to tell me what you're… feeling." Why had I let Jasper leave so soon?! Now, more than ever, I had to know. I _needed_ to know. "Carlisle, say something, _please_."

 _And will you believe me?_ I nodded quickly, forcing my trust to swallow my fear. "Then let me say it once and for all, son. There is _nothing_ that you could do that would be enough to make me stop loving you. Yes, it breaks my heart to think of you going down that path. But you would still be my son, and I would always welcome you back with open arms. And besides, how could I judge you, even for this? It's no more than what we're all capable of. It's no more than what I made you to be."

I blinked. "What? This doesn't have anything to do with you. You didn't make me to be a monster."

He smiled sadly. "No. But you believe that is _what_ I made you, don't you? You believe that I destroyed your soul, replacing it with the monster that lives inside all of our kind." _Jasper tells me that you don't blame me for what I did._ _But how can that be?_ _I need to understand, Edward._ _If you believe as you do, if you saw that future that I made possible, how can you look at me with anything but revulsion and hatred?_

My stomach twisted as another future played out in my imagination- or was it another past? A world in which I _did_ blame Carlisle for making me what I was. Where I was more than happy to wash my hands of him, the tattered saint who had committed the most unpardonable sin of all: my own creation. But rejecting him would have meant rejecting everything he stood for… everything I was reaching for.

"It isn't possible," I told him firmly. "I do believe that what you did to me was… wrong. At least according to my own reckoning. But I know you don't believe as I do. I've always known that. How can I blame you for an act of mercy? How can I blame you for being true to your own hope? Carlisle, when I woke up, there were two things that were immediately obvious. One was that I was a bloodthirsty, savage monster who wanted nothing more than to run off and kill. But the other one was that I didn't _have_ to do that, because there was _you_. I could see that our kind are capable of being something more than the monster inside of us… something better. So, for me…" I shrugged, unused to speaking so freely of my own emotion. "For me, your example has always been intrinsically linked with that potential. _You_ are that potential. And I realize that I'm never going to achieve what you have-"

"Is _that_ what you meant, when you said you had to become strong enough? That you had to become like me?"

"Of course."

Carlisle frowned. "And that's why you chose medical school?"

"It wasn't the only reason. But… yes. I knew it would mean a lot to you, to see me follow in your footsteps in that way. In that _human_ way."

"It did make me proud. But I would be equally proud to see you choose some other path, as long as it's what _you_ want to do."

I nodded. "That's good, because I don't think I'll be trying medical school again."

_Why not?_ _You seemed to enjoy it._ _Or was that feigned for my sake as well?_

"No, I did enjoy it. But I really don't have your control, and I don't think I ever will. The risk is too great."

"Son, you seem to be under the impression that I woke up with some kind of muted thirst and instant, enormous self-control, when you know that's not the case."

I flinched as he remembered, again, those first terrible months in the wilderness. I shook my head. "I never could have done that as a newborn. I can't even do it _now_ \- that's the whole reason Alice had to come and stop me, remember?"

"And that future could have been mine. What do you think would have happened if that herd of deer hadn't come when it did? You know I was near the breaking point. What if it had been a human family, instead? With children?"

I winced, unable to imagine it. "You would have fed."

"Yes, I would have. And I don't think I ever would have recovered from that; it would have destroyed me. I can easily see how that desolation would have led to a future similar to the one Alice saw you create."

"But it didn't."

"No, but that was the path I was on. All I'm asking is that you acknowledge that you and I are in the same boat. Of course I'm glad that you have been able to find some inspiration because of my own life, but _please_ , Edward, don't put me on a pedestal. I've had centuries to work on my self-control, and it's been just as real a struggle as your own." He paused. _I'm going to show you something._

His mind blurred backward through time, past the memory he had recently showed of him struggling briefly with his thirst as he stitched up the girl's arm. Now he was standing in the shadows, trembling with desire as he watched a barber extract a tooth, his hands slick with blood. Another blur, and he was crouching down in the bushes beside a thatched house which held a woman screaming in labor. Now he was standing frozen in the midst of a crowd, oblivious to the shouts going on around him as he stared, watching two boxers beat each other bloody. Now he was kneeling over the body of a soldier who had just been killed, leaning his face close to the wound and taking deep, painful breaths. I saw that last image repeated dozens of times. _You see… there was no such thing as stored blood back then._ _I had to go and find it, freshly flowing._ _I went wherever I thought I might find someone bleeding- saloons, barbershops, battlefields… I put a lot of people in danger._ _I don't know if it was the right thing to do._

"I always thought… why haven't you ever showed me these things before?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't want to give you any ideas."

I nodded sheepishly, watching in fascination as he showed me more of these memories. He really _had_ come close to losing it, several times.

"But the worst time wasn't my doing," he said suddenly. Now I saw the stone walls of Volterra in his memory.

I shivered. "Feeding time?"

"No. I was always careful to absent myself during that particular ritual. I was in my chambers one day, when I suddenly smelled fresh blood out in the hall, and a man screaming. I assumed it was just someone having a… meal. But my door was thrown open…" he trailed off, letting the memories speak for themselves. The door had opened to reveal Aro standing there, a dripping knife in one hand and a human in the other. He smiled at Carlisle, tossed the human inside, and shut the door. Carlisle flew backwards away from the man, holding his hand over his nose and mouth.

"He begged for help," Carlisle recalled bitterly. "And I knew enough, from the little training I had already had, to save him. But I couldn't touch him. I couldn't even do him the kindness of easing his passing. There was just too much blood, and it was so unexpected… I just couldn't. I knew if I moved an inch, toward him or toward the door, I would feed. So I just stood there and watched him bleed to death on the floor." _It was horrible, Edward._ _I couldn't even speak one word of comfort to him; I was too afraid to uncover my face._ _He died with his hand stretched out toward me, still hoping I would do something to save him._

"They wouldn't have let him live, anyway. That was despicable. Why did Aro do that to you?"

Carlisle smiled sadly. "Yes, it was despicable. But Aro was always intrigued by my conviction. He was also intensely curious, and it was a true experiment as much as it was a cruelty. He had created a no-win scenario: the only way to hold onto my conviction was to deny my compassion. I left Volterra soon after that, fearing he would get even more creative. Though… it actually did help, in a way. As unforgiveable as Aro's experiment was, and as awful as it was that I hadn't been able to answer the man's plea for help, it was the greatest challenge I had endured so far. I was relieved that I had resisted; it gave me courage. I became even more determined, after that, to desensitize myself further and succeed as a physician in the New World. But it has taken me centuries to get where I am, Edward, in terms of control. You've already made huge strides of your own, in the short time you've been alive."

"It does help," I admitted, "to see that you struggled as well. But your desire to improve yourself was driven by your compassion and your hope; I honestly can't say the same for myself. That's the difference between us."

Carlisle shook his head. "Edward… you are mistaken. I am no better than you. If anything, it's the other way around! You believe that your soul has already been destroyed, that redemption is impossible. And yet you _still_ choose to do the right thing! You _still_ struggle, day after day, against your instincts and the pain of never-quenched thirst, simply because it's the right thing to do- even though you are convinced there will be no reward to come. I may have hope, son, but you have the brightness of altruism."

I snorted, leaning back against the piano lid. "Forgive me if I don't agree with that particular assessment."

He finally grinned, relaxing as well. "I knew you wouldn't. And I don't suppose you'll accept my conclusion that your altruism is itself the evidence of the fact that your soul is still beating strong?"

"Sorry, no."

I almost wished I could give him the lie he wanted to hear, just this once: that I finally understood. That yes, perhaps there was hope for our eternal souls if we were capable of the desire to do the right thing… to rise above our monstrous nature. But honesty was the new currency today, and Carlisle was looking as cheerful as he sounded. He would know it was a lie, anyway.

We sat in comfortable silence for a while, letting the vestiges of our old debate fade away as they always did. But the words didn't sting my conscience with accusation this time; I felt such a sense of new security that I could, for the first time since my departure, speak about the darker side of our nature without feeling the obligatory weight of damnation. I felt lighter than I had in years. I was the one who considered us unfit for an afterlife, in any case; if the love and approval of the one I admired most was the greatest reprieve I could attain- and it seemed that I had proved myself incapable of losing it- then there really _was_ no point in keeping the scars fresh. There really _was_ nothing to be gained by the mortification of an already strained thirst. The need for atonement had been a figment of my own guilt all along; an exhausting crusade to recover what had never been lost. I felt a release unfolding deep inside of me, and a strange, unfamiliar silence as the last echoes of my victims' cries faded away. I would never forget their faces, but I could be free now.

They would not come unbidden again.

"Edward…" Carlisle's gentle voice brought me back. "I also struggle with what we are. Hope does not replace worry, or even guilt. There are times when I fear I _was_ wrong to do what I did to you and the others. But when I see the life that I have given you... forced on you, I see a life that would never have existed, had I let you die. All the things you've learned, all the joy you've brought, all the music you've created, all the lives you've touched… this world would be a darker place without you in it. That future that Alice saw was terrible, and perhaps it was real for a moment, but it's gone. There are thousands of other futures waiting for you now, and a great deal of happiness to be had. And so even if it _was_ wrong, I cannot regret the choice I made, when this is the result. I _won't_." There was a fierce conviction in his eyes. _I'm… sorr_ _y about that. I almost wish I could regret it, for your sake. I know you think this life will never be enough for you._

I shook my head, smiling slightly. "I have everything I need."

 _And someday, you'll have even more._ He was picturing himself alone, and then with Esme.

I shrugged. "Maybe." I finally pulled the diamond heart out, twirling it between my fingers. It flashed as the sunlight hit it; when had it stopped raining? I leaned forward, handing it to Carlisle.

 _Exquisite_. "From your mother's collection?"

"Yes. I just found it this summer, on the day Alice and Jasper got married. It was buried under all the rest."

Carlisle held the diamond up in the sunbeam that was cutting across the room, turning it slowly and examining it. The walls were suddenly spinning with its rainbows. The storm was long gone; our skin was glittering again too, sending duller bits of light upon the walls. Somehow, it didn't seem so hideous today.

He brought the diamond back down, studying its depths as he turned it over and over in his hands. "Will things be… easier for you now? I know you cannot accept what I've made you, at least not yet. I see that now. But now that we understand one another better, can you take the forgiveness I have given you, and make it your own?" _Can you finally be at peace?_ He waited, watching me with hopeful eyes. He knew I would not lie this time. And for once, I didn't need to.

"Yes, I think so."

Carlisle smiled, leaning forward and depositing the diamond into my waiting palm. "That's all I ask. And you _will_ find her someday, Edward. I'm sure of it."

"Carlisle?"

"Yes?"

"Let's go hunting."

His smile turned into a huge, youthful grin. "I thought you'd never ask."

.

.

.

The forest was still dripping from the storm, a bright and steaming green in the hot sun. Carlisle and I moved silently through the trees, easily catching the scent of a small herd of black-tailed deer in the humidity.

I hadn't gone hunting with Carlisle in years. I supposed that in my eagerness to prove to him how much humanity I could muster, I hadn't wanted him to see me in my most inhuman. But here he was, crouching down in the dirt and inching forward toward the herd like the predator he was. He shot forward and killed, his conscious thought evaporating as he entered the snarling frenzy that I had so carefully resisted. My father really did have the same monster inside of him that I did, and had fought him tooth and nail for centuries. It was, in a way, a relief to let go of those misconceptions about his past. It made him seem… well, mortal.

But I admired him all the more for it. Knowing that his struggle had in fact been a real one like mine, and that he had emerged to become the man he was now… that was an inspiration even greater than the one that had driven me before. Soul or no, he had taken the monstrous hand he had been dealt and turned it into something beautiful. I still doubted whether I would ever achieve that, but the amazing thing was that I didn't need to. Because Jasper was right: self-control and compassion towards humanity weren't Carlisle's first priorities anymore; his family was. I understood now that the greatest gift I could give him was to accept his unconditional love and my place in that family. It wasn't the same thing as accepting what he had done to me, but we both understood that now. Hating what I was, or even what I had done, didn't mean that I couldn't be at peace with _who_ I was.

I crouched down for the pounce, but quickly stood up again; I had scented a mountain lion, for the first time since Eleazar had taken one. I soon found her stalking through a dense thicket in search of her own meal. For the first time in years, I took the long way around and waited for her to scent me, as well. She spun around, hissing in warning. I bared my teeth and roared my challenge. I barreled into the thicket on all fours, laughing, and the fight was on.

.

.

.

***Happy sigh* So, there we have it. The goal here has been to use the tension in this story and Jasper's intervention to bring Edward and Carlisle's relationship to (or near) the place where it is in the books: where Edward, while still full of other doubts and cynicism, is absolutely confident of Carlisle's love, trust, and approval. Where he's not afraid to go straight to him for help, or afraid to tell him the full truth lest he risk losing Carlisle's love. He is finally able, here, to forgive himself for his rebellious years, since most of his remaining guilt was really based on how he had hurt and disappointed Carlisle, and failed to (insert ten misconceptions here). Of course "forgiving" himself does not mean accepting himself; that's what Bella and Renesmee are for. But I really got the impression in the books (even in early MS) that Edward *had* forgiven himself for his rebellious years. Of course he regretted it, and it only served as evidence to his soullessness that he was able to do such a thing, but there was a surprising lack of angst about it in MS, and it hardly ever came up in the books. Most of his angst seemed based on his vampire identity and the various threats it presented to Bella, not on his past choices. This surprised me, considering Edward's personality, and led me to incorporate these twenty years of guilt and occasional awkwardness with Carlisle, into the Series, culminating here in the epiphany that he can finally let it go. This family is still nowhere near perfect, but I like the idea of Jasper occasionally being able to insert some emotional health into the picture, and it's a nice contrast to his own troubled past. I'm sure there will still be days where Edward will be angsting and Jasper will roll his eyes and reassure him that Carlisle's feelings have not changed, but in general the lesson has been learned.**

**Carlisle has learned a few things, too: that Edward truly does not blame him for what he has done, and thus he doesn't need to feel defensive/guilty every time Edward broods over his monstrosity. He needs to listen instead, and understand that Edward is in a younger place than he himself is, and that he will always need reassurance of his father's love and approval, because just hearing someone's thoughts doesn't always get the full truth across. So... hopefully all that came across in these two chapters. Jasper deserves a medal for this, because the way I had things set up there is NO way Carlisle and Edward could have gotten here without him.**

**Some excitement is coming up next!**


	36. Race

"This is boring."

"Ssh!" I hissed from behind my folded hands, not looking away from the chess board. Alice was my mirror image opposite me, though she seemed to think that biting her lip would accomplish something. The game had been going on for a good hour now, though neither of us had yet to touch our pieces. It was just like our mental sparring on that night Jasper had begun teaching us to fight; I simply read her mind and she read my future. We had made a total of three hundred and thirty-two moves, though there had been so much backtracking that the mental board itself was still in its first ten moves.

"This is _boring_ ," Emmett moaned again, still hovering at my right shoulder.

"It was your idea," Esme pointed out, standing behind Alice. Jasper and Rosalie were flanking the sides of the table, watching as well. I hadn't been allowed to play chess at _all_ since 1937, and everyone was hoping to witness my first defeat. If Carlisle wasn't still at work, he would no doubt be hovering along with everyone else.

"All I said was that they might be a match for each other!"

"Shut it, Emmett," Jasper growled. "You're annoying Alice. She's trying to concentrate."

There was another ten minutes of silence, and then Jasper smiled slightly and nudged Emmett with his foot. "What do you say we make a little wager on the outcome?"

I frowned, glancing up at my opponent. What had Jasper felt, to suddenly make him so confident in Alice's success? She was smiling too, and suddenly _very_ focused on her investment plans for the upcoming week. But then she let it slip in her excitement; her remaining bishop was cooking up a diversion so that her rook and knight could finally trap my queen. I quickly changed my strategy, giving my queen a new escape route which involved the assassination of her bishop. Alice and Jasper frowned in tandem half a second later.

"Sure," Emmett finally answered. "What've you got in mind?"

"Forget it," Jasper muttered.

"Oh no you don't! Leave your lousy gift out of this. I'll bet my first month of raking leaves on Edward."

Jasper considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Deal. And if Alice wins, you do ALL the shoveling for the entire winter."

"No way. A season of chores isn't worth a month of chores!"

"Shoveling is incidental," Jasper argued. "And there's probably less hours overall, because-"

"Would you two shut _up_?!" Rosalie shrieked, making the chess pieces rattle on the glass board.

"News flash, bro: this ain't Texas. It's Vermont. Shoveling snow is about as incidental as Alice changing clothes."

"But you've got to factor in the slugs and the mold. Raking is _way_ more disgusting than shoveling. If anything, I should throw in-"

"OUT!" Esme commanded, pointing at the door.

"Good," Emmett scowled, storming around me and flicking over my rook as he passed. "Come on, Jasper, let's go kill something. These losers'll still be at it when we get back anyway."

Jasper pecked Alice on the cheek for good luck and they bustled out the front door, still arguing over the terms of their wager. The door slammed and their thoughts began to quickly recede. I picked up my rook and set him right, sighing in relief at the relative quiet of just three minds. In fact, maybe this rook was the key… maybe if I made it look like he was attacking her right flank of pawns, I could lure them out away from her king, who was still bunched up behind a wall of defenders.

 _Oh no you don't!_ Alice scrambled back two moves, sending her knight out in challenge with a pawn in reserve for its protection. I sighed, leaning more heavily on my elbows and frowning down at the new board as it appeared in our minds. There was something to be said for the normal style of playing; at least in that case, your turn was over once your hand left the piece. But, I thought with a smile, where was the fun in that?

Esme sighed as well; she was relieved at the quiet, like I was, but also relieved to see me so relaxed.

Two weeks had passed since Jasper helped bring Carlisle and myself to our new understanding. Not much had changed for me, in terms of my plans for the short term; I still wasn't able to do much other than hang around the house and work on my correspondence courses. But my whole world was different. I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in decades- at peace with Carlisle, and with myself as well. As a result, I found that I was better able to enjoy moments like this, where I was doing nothing more productive than lose myself in a chess game with one of my siblings. I no longer felt the sharp lash of my guilt, driving me on toward an unnecessary atonement to the last person who would have wanted me to feel that burden. It didn't change what had I had done, or the fact that the monster that still held too much sway over my existence. His thirst for blood was just as powerful, his teeth just as sharp… the danger just as real. But he had been declawed, no longer able to scrape my heart with his lies. I still felt the shadow of damnation, but it was no longer heavy with fear. Proving myself was no long an obligation.

This had freed my muse to new heights. I had been tinkering again with the song for Carlisle, though he still didn't know about it. I was also composing two other sonatas at once right now, one inspired by Esme- her love for her children being the wordless theme- and the other by the humming vivacity of the rainforest back in Washington State. When I closed my eyes, I could still smell all the scents that had tangled together in the cold humidity. But when I opened my eyes, I easily found the inspiration for the other sonata; Esme's joy at having such a busy household was really shared by us all. She was assigning chores right and left now, to keep up with the mess and housecleaning that was the natural result of having such a large, active family. Alice was almost wholly responsible for the laundry now, a load which she cleverly averted by simply giving away as much as our clothing as she could get away with. And, naturally, this led to the need for more _shopping_. I had so far managed to avoid escorting her since the day we had bought the piano, and if Rosalie would hurry up and teach Alice to drive, as she had been promising, I might never have to go again.

Jasper and Emmett always ended up with the bulk of the outdoor chores, and were forever trading and gambling their jobs back and forth. Carlisle and I continued doing most of the home maintenance and repair, though Jasper was quickly becoming a genius at everything electrical. Rosalie was currently reorganizing the shed and the garage every day after school, and also helped Esme with a bit of the other cleaning, as did Alice. She had finally restored the Lincoln to its former glory, and was still working like mad to make the van less of an embarrassment. Esme was left with the rest. But she couldn't be happier, straightening Alice's piles of drawings here, spackling to cover the evidence of Emmett and Jasper's latest fight there.

 _I win!_ Alice suddenly thought in triumph. I returned my attention to the game, waiting as she showed me a move-by-move vision of her latest attempt at victory.

"No you don't," I snorted. "That move isn't legal- that one, there. You can't castle your king through check. That whole future's not even possible."

"You might've mentioned that when you explained the rules," Alice sulked. "Anything else you're not telling me?"

"I'll let you know," I said cheerfully, and leaned back in my chair. Alice rewound her strategy by seven moves and we both fell into frozen silence again.

Rosalie and Esme eventually lost interest, drifting away to their own hobbies and tasks. The game went on for another hour, with the advantage slowly leaning toward my side. Alice was just about to concede the permanent loss of her second rook when she suddenly gasped, a horrible vision wrenching her away from our game: Jasper, with the canopy of the forest behind him, kneeling over a man with his eyes closed in grief... and blood on his lips.

I shot to my feet, upsetting the board. "When? _Where_?" I demanded. Alice finally breathed again as the last pieces clattered to the floor, shaking her head.

"I don't know," she moaned. "In the forest somewhere… but soon. A few minutes."

I didn't waste any more time with questions; I just tore out the patio door and started running. At least the storm was holding off so I could follow Jasper's and Emmett's scents. I could hear Alice running behind me.

"Keep looking!" I shouted over my shoulder. "I need to know where I'm going!" I was quickly outpacing Alice in my flight; I still had a good grip on her mind but it wasn't going to last long.

Alice backed up her vision in a panic, trying to get a good picture which showed more of the scenery. But the forest looked the same no matter what she did. I finally got a glimpse of the blunt peak of Mt. Moosilauke in the distance, but that didn't help me much; I was already headed that way via their scents. If I was going to stop this, I needed to cut straight to where they were, not follow the meandering trails of their morning hunt.

"I need more than that!" I shouted. "And keep up, I'm losing you already!"

I couldn't afford to slow down. Alice growled in frustration, pushing herself as hard as she could. _I'm trying, I'm trying!_ _I was just so focused on the game, I didn't check in enough to see which paths they took!_ She racked her visions, combing at super-speed through my own future now, trying to project where I would end up. I followed along in my own mind, trying to memorize every turn and circle I was going to take, trying to guess what shortcuts might shave off a few precious seconds. And just in time; their trail was already taking a turn south, away from where I knew I needed to be. I hesitated just for a millisecond and then shot on ahead, trusting that I would pick up the trail again soon and keeping the ever-changing map of Alice's trail-visions in my head.

 _Edward, I'm sorry!_ _It doesn't matter, you're not going to make it._ Alice kept running after me, but we both groaned in defeat as the image of Jasper's accident remained unchanged. The vision was so certain now that it was a moving picture. Jasper finally opened his red eyes and turned the body over to survey the damage.

William Cummings.

" _NO_!" I roared, surging forward at an impossibly faster pace. Alice blinked as her motion picture changed back into a still image, now blinking in and out with an image of Jasper with his eyes back to their normal orange-rust color, then blinking in and out with an image of me fighting Jasper.

_Maybe?_ _Hurry... -ward, hurry!_ _And don't you dare… got to… careful!..._

I growled in anger, unsure what to do; I was losing Alice's mind, but slowing down would mean absolute failure. I charged on ahead, running blind on the last vision Alice had given me. Mercifully I soon came across Jasper's scent again, but now there was a new danger: the clouds finally broke overhead. The rain began with a vengeance, and I stopped and knelt to sniff the ground and trees, desperately trying to guess which of the two trails I was now finding was heavier with Jasper's most recent passage; the scents were already being diluted by the new moisture. I took the left one on a whim, my feet barely touching the ground as I flew through the forest. I leapt over a wide slice of some unnamed creek, relieved to find the scent even fresher on the other side.

I could just hear Jasper's mind now; it hadn't happened yet. He was stalking a lynx, keeping the mountain on his right as he followed it. I hissed in frustration, cursing both myself and Alice; if I had known he was going to end up so far to the west, I wouldn't have needed to waste so much time following his loop around this way. At this rate, he would encounter the human just inside the canopy of the forest, just off the dirt road that led out of Warren. _Of course it would be closer to the road!_ I thought angrily. Emmett's mind was farther off to the east, just a faint echo in the back of my own brain.

It happened, then; the inevitable event that would cause the disaster. The wind changed direction, an angry gale blowing from the west and driving the rain so hard it was horizontal for a moment. Jasper snapped up into standing, his nostrils flaring and his eyes wide. It wasn't just human scent; this was blood, freshly spilled.

He tried to resist. He might have had a chance, if he fed before now, or if he hadn't already been in hunting mode. But as it was, the battle was over in less than a second. He was racing toward the scent now, his mind an inhuman swirl of thirst and fury at his own weakness. _Stop!_ _STOP!_ _I can't... I_ _need it NOW!_

I changed direction, now able to guess exactly where he was headed. I soon heard William's mind as well; he was lamenting his clumsiness. He had been setting up a tent- God only knew why he was in the woods in this weather- and the rain had made the stakes slippery. He had slipped getting the final one ready, slicing open his left hand. He had already wrapped it with a clean shirt, but the blood was soaking through. I growled again, furious at the coincidence of him coming here and bleeding right when Jasper was out, but there was no more time for thought. I somehow found the strength to push myself even harder, now shouting as loud as I dared for Jasper to stop. But his mind was too far gone. At least I had William's mind loud and clear now, I was taking a straight shot to where he was. Less than a mile to go.

William was feeling nauseous now, and just beginning to wonder whether he should drive back to the hospital for stitches. He turned around and did the worst thing he could _possibly_ have done: he began to unwind the makeshift bandage. It was soaked in blood now; he wanted to check on the cut and wrap it in something fresh. The air shimmered with the glorious scent of his blood, and I burst out of the woods, only a tenth of a second behind Jasper, who was coming from my right. He jumped, roaring in triumph and defeat all at once, and grabbed William's shoulders from behind. Just as his mouth touched my friend's neck, I collided with them. The thunder was echoed by the crash of immortal stone and the softer thud of human flesh.

The three of us slammed into a nearby tree. Jasper turned on me in a snarling rage, leaving William to tumble lifelessly to the wet ground. He was in my face before I could blink, his eyes black and wild and his teeth gleaming with venom.

_MINE!_

I barely got my arm up in time, blocking his bite. His jaws snapped together as I hit him, but he had his hands around my throat even before I had pulled my arm back. I kneed him in the groin as hard as I could, and his hands slipped away. I lunged to catch him, but he was already spinning back toward William and the blood that was calling him. I finally felt my own fiery thirst then, fully doubled by Jasper's. I blinked and shook my head, but there was no time. I dropped to the ground and attacked from underneath Jasper as he jumped, sending both of us crashing into the tent. There was a brief, silent struggle as we both got tangled in the rain-drenched fabric, then I managed to extricate myself. I slammed Jasper face-first into the ground, trying to grab onto his flailing arms and keep him tangled.

"Jasper! It's me, Edward! You can't do this! JASPER!" But he freed his hands from the canvas then, and I barely swung out of the way as he sprang back up into my face, still a mindless monster. His gift was instinctively active now; my thirst was momentarily drowned in a wave of sheer terror. I stumbled and fell, somehow managing to lock my arms around his right leg as he dove for William again. This time he slammed a fist into my face, and I gasped in pain as I felt his teeth sink into the back of my left shoulder. I probably would have given up right there, between the pain and the fear he was hitting me with, but my own thirst was raging again now, too. The monster screamed in fury, clawing his way up through my throat and giving me the strength to keep fighting for the blood that was rightfully _mine_. And I remembered, through the murderous haze in my brain, that I was trying to save my friend. From my own _brother!_

I burst off the ground in my rage, crying out again as Jasper's teeth tore off my shoulder. I kicked him in the face, following through to get him into a headlock and driving him down to the ground. I buried my left hand in his hair and yanked back, exposing his throat. He finally froze, his mind scrambling partially back into focus as he tried to come up with an escape. I risked letting go of his throat now, clamping my hand over his nose and mouth instead to cut off his air.

"Jasper, stop! You _can't have him_. Go back to Alice, and don't breathe again until you're far away. Do you hear me?! I'll tear you apart if you don't get out of here!"

Jasper blinked, his thoughts gelling halfway back to sanity. "GO BACK TO ALICE!" I shouted again into his ear. I saw her then in his mind, a swirling white aura around her smile. I felt my fear began to melt away as he retracted his gift. He nodded against my hand, bringing his own up. For a second I thought he was trying to attack again, but he slipped his hand over his nose and mouth and broke out of my grasp. I dropped back toward William again in a defensive posture, but Jasper was already gone, running at top speed away from temptation. There were hardly any thoughts to hear, but they were quickly fading.

I drew one shuddering breath, but cut it off again; this would all have been for nothing if I ended up attacking William myself. He was still alive, at least, his breathing and thudding heart the only sound in the clearing. But something was wrong about the rhythm. I took another moment to compose myself, and, firmly telling the monster to go to hell, knelt by my friend and turned him over.

It was a mistake.

I hadn't seen exactly how he had hit the tree during our collision, but his neck was _covered_ with blood. And now that I had moved him, it was flowing fast, much too fast. I couldn't quite see, but from the sheer speed of the blood loss, he had to have nicked his external carotid artery. For half a second I just stared, watching in hungry fascination as his life drained away. My hands slowly made their way to his shoulders and I bent lower, opening my mouth for the feast that I held in my hands. It was _mine._

_Yes!_

"No," I hissed, snapping my teeth and my eyes shut. I blindly, gently pressed my hand against the wound; was it to save him, or to lift his throat to my teeth?

"Alice," I breathed, using up the last of my air. I drew one deep, burning breath; I would _not_ kill my friend. "ALICE!" I shouted. "If you're watching me, don't come any closer. I need an ambulance at the entrance to the forest- there's a little parking lot just off the eastern edge of a town called Warren. They'll need…" I gasped more air in, gritting my teeth against the siren song of William's blood. "They'll need to run a stretcher into the woods. I think we're about a half mile east of where that dirt path ends. Tell them it's an animal attack, he needs blood right away…"

I couldn't do any more than that. I creaked open my eyes just enough to see where the worst of the damage was, and then squeezed them shut again before I slipped my fingers inside the wound. I found the torn artery and gently clamped the frayed tissue together.

William's heart began to stutter back into a slightly more normal rhythm, but now I could feel the warm pulse of blood against my fingers with every thud of his weakened heart.

_Feed._ _Feed._ _FEED._ _FEED!_

I didn't dare open my eyes again. If I saw the blood again, I would lose it. And I couldn't let go, or he would die. I just knelt there, frozen between the clamoring monster and the life of my friend, unable to move or do anything else. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and clenched my teeth harder, and prayed that Alice had been paying attention, that help was on the way, and that the rain would _please_ keep pounding the scent of William's blood down away from my nose.

This was the hardest battle I had ever fought, and I was going to lose it any second.


	37. Heroes

"There they are!"

The words blurred into my consciousness, but I couldn't move. I couldn't open my eyes. I just had to keep fighting, just a little bit more, and then I was going to give in. The blood was going to be _mine._ The monster's desperate clamoring was getting louder every second. Just a little longer…

"Dave, get that IV started, right arm. We'll take over from here, kid. Hey, all you all right?"

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, bringing me back to life. My eyes opened and I saw blood on my hands. _No!_ I blinked and realized, relief flooding through me, that William's shallow breathing was still there. I hadn't killed him.

"You can let go now," the voice said. Someone gently pushed my hands away from William's neck, to be immediately replaced by human hands armed with a hemostat. I stood and stumbled back, taking in the scene. Three uniformed paramedics were crowded around my friend, one starting an IV and the other working at his neck. The third was running his hands over William's arms and legs, feeling for broken bones. A stretcher lay ready on the ground.

"Compound fracture, left tibia," the third paramedic reported, tearing away the cloth of William's pant leg. His hands moved upward, and he frowned. "Left upper quadrant is distended." _Spleen..._

"Clavicle's been smashed," mumbled the IV one, Dave. _What'd this kid get himself into?_ _And how come the other one isn't hurt?_

"Let's go," the first paramedic said abruptly. "He'll need surgery immediately." He gingerly laid the hemostat down on William's neck and anchored it with a bandage; it would hold the artery for now. I moved forward to take the intact leg and we gently deposited William on the stretcher. Dave carried the saline bottle up in the air while the other two hoisted the stretcher. My presence was finally acknowledged again.

"What about you?" the first paramedic asked as they began walking. "Are you hurt anywhere?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly. Not strictly true; my throat was a wasteland, and I was just beginning to be aware of a burning pain in my shoulder. I winced, remembering Jasper's teeth.

"You don't look fine," was his reply. "Better come along, and you can tell us what happened."

There didn't seem to be any other option other than to follow them as they carefully weaved their way through the woods. "It was a bear. Take that path there, on the right. It's quicker."

"What kind of bear?"

I blinked. "I don't know. A black one?" I hadn't exactly had a chance to come up with a good story yet. "Is he going to be okay?" I asked in a rush.

"It looks pretty good," he said vaguely. "But one thing's for sure, kid. You saved his life, holding his artery together like that." _At least, I hope you did._

I shrugged. "My dad's a doctor." As if that explained everything. But he seemed to accept it for the moment. His eyes were on Dave, who was taking William's pulse with his free hand.

Dave shook his head slightly. "It's still going up. We'll get his pressure as soon as we're in the ambulance." They picked up the pace, risking a bumpier ride for their patient as they pressed on toward the parking lot. It seemed to take far too long, but finally the ambulance came into view, parked right next to the Cadillac that William had gotten from Rosalie. William was bustled inside and I was- mercifully- invited to ride up front with the driver. The blood on my hands was stale enough, but I didn't need to be cooped up in a metal box with three humans right now, bleeding or not.

"Name's Ron," he finally said as he climbed in beside me. He held out a hand, but then thought better of it. He pulled out onto the road, flicking on the siren. It was pitifully unnecessary out here, but at least the empty roads afforded us a semi-decent speed.

"Edward. Where are you taking him?" I asked distractedly. Most of my attention was now on the minds of the other two paramedics in the back. They were taking William's blood pressure now and getting him on oxygen. The swelling around his spleen was still worsening, and his skin was beginning to take on a grayish tinge. But his pulse, while weak and fast, was steady, as was his shallow breathing. His mind was silent.

"Hitchcock."

I shook my head. "Take him to Cottage Hospital. It's not much farther, and my dad's on duty. He's the best emergency surgeon there is."

"But-"

"I said take him to _Cottage_ ," I repeated, my voice almost a snarl. Ron stared into my eyes for half a second, then muttered his agreement. We spent the rest of the ride in silence, barring his quick radio report to the hospital. Two orderlies were waiting for us with a gurney out by the emergency entrance. My gift strained against the crowd of minds, searching for Carlisle, but the throbbing pain in my throat and my shoulder, to say nothing of the infuriated clamor of the monster within me, made it difficult to concentrate.

"Is Dr. Cullen still here?" I asked the orderlies, trying not to wince in pain as I got out of the ambulance. The last thing I needed was for people to start trying to take _my_ blood pressure.

The older one nodded. "He's waiting in the OR."

The paramedics shifted William onto the gurney, passing their findings on to the nurse which was just coming outside. They took him inside.

"Here's what I don't get," Ron said from behind me. "If you two were camping in the woods, who called for the ambulance?"

My jaw clenched as I scrambled for an answer. I had nothing. I flashed what i hoped was an easy smile over my shoulder as I entered the hospital. "Thanks for your help."

.

.

.

There was nothing to do but wait. After cleaning up as best I could in the restroom, I parked myself in the Family Waiting Area and sat motionless, following along with Carlisle's mind as much as I could. I couldn't stand to watch anymore once the surgery got underway, though; William's spleen did indeed need repair, and I just didn't have it in me to watch any more blood flowing.

I pulled reluctantly out of Carlisle's mind, turning my focus to our newest problem. What was our story going to be, to explain all of this? If William pulled through, he was going to have his own version of what happened, and my version would need to match up with his. At least if he did pull through, Ron and the other paramedics would be unlikely to bother much about the details of _how_ William's life had been saved. Hopefully no one else besides them would assume that I had been camping with William at the time of the bear attack, because that wouldn't be what he would report. Still, it was quite a stretch, expecting anyone to believe that I had just _happened_ to be strolling in that part of the woods when William got attacked by a bear… in the rain. And what about the phone call? Was it feasible to say that someone else had been with me, and had run into Warren to make the call?

"Edward!"

I snapped out of my thoughts to find William's parents entering the Waiting Area; someone must have called them. Mrs. Cummings broke away from her husband and threw her arms around me, sobbing into my neck. It was all I could do not to cry out as she clenched her arm around my shoulder, making the pain blaze hotter. I drew in a sharp, unplanned breath instead; thankfully, the stink of her perfume drowned out her scent. Everyone in the Waiting Area was smelling a little too good today.

I forced out a weak smile, raising my other hand to awkwardly pat her on the back. She finally let go of my shoulder and drew away, smearing her makeup with a handkerchief.

"Anything on William yet?" Mr. Cummings asked gravely. I had met William's parents a few times over the past couple of years, when Nick and I had come over to study and play basketball. I had never noticed how much William favored his father; the height, the same clear blue eyes and merry dimples, and the same sandy hair.

"He's in surgery right now. My dad's the doctor operating on him," I added quickly, seeing their fear. "He's the best there is."

Mr. Cummings sank into a chair, staring at nothing. His wife just stood frozen where she was, trembling. I saw a strobe of pictures in her mind: William, at various ages. I felt like a louse for even bothering about something as meaningless as our cover story; these were good people, and their son's life was hanging by a thread because he had strayed too close to my family. Lives had been lost before, but this was different; this was my friend. He _had_ to pull through.

I dared another glimpse into Carlisle's mind again. His thoughts were full of numbers and blood vessels and sutures, but he seemed optimistic enough.

"I think he's going to make it," I said in as soothing a voice as I could manage. "I haven't seen my dad yet, but the nurses didn't seem too worried when they took him into surgery." Not exactly true, but I had to give them something. Mrs. Cummings finally breathed again, and I guided her into the chair beside her husband. I brought her a cup of water, which she quickly drank.

"What about you, dear?" she asked me when she found her voice. "Are you hurt? All they told us was that it was a… a bear attack." Her eyes welled up with tears again, but she seemed determined to mother me now, her eyes sweeping over my body worriedly. She knew about my "hemophilia".

"I'm fine," I said gently. "I'm just glad I was out… hunting, this morning. I heard what sounded like a struggle and I ran over just in time. I mean, of course I wish I had gotten there sooner…" I winced inwardly, scrambling to finish the cover story so I could have more to say. "I shot at the bear. I missed, but it was enough to scare him off."

Her eyes grew wider as my lie played out in her imagination. "Oh, Edward, you must have been so frightened! Especially with your condition!"

I nodded, not having to feign the shudder than ran through me. I had been frightened, all right, and that was _before_ Jasper had lashed out at me with a dose of terror. I was just lucky he had been as focused on his prey as he was; I hated to think how I would have fared if he hadn't been half insane with thirst. I worked my shoulder in a small circle, gritting my teeth behind my impassive expression; the pain was getting worse. I had done my best to clean the venom out of the wound with the paper towels in the restroom, but there was obviously still quite a bit in there. I would need to have Carlisle tend to it as soon as he got the chance. Would the venom do more damage, if it stayed in too long? It hurt far more than the wound Emmett had given me on his first day. The pain was wearing on me; I was getting thirstier and thirstier.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," I murmured, rising to my feet. And not a moment too soon; Mrs. Cummings was just getting her nerve up to ask for more details. I found the service entrance and ducked into the thin spattering of trees that dotted the hospital's property. I didn't want to go far. All I could find was a scrawny little fox, but it was better than nothing. I choked down its bitter blood in less than four seconds.

When I got back to the Waiting Area, I kept my distance from William's parents, and from the sunlight that was slanting into the room through the blinds. Another hour dragged by. I peeked in on Carlisle's mind twice more; things were looking good. I wished I could have given Mr. and Mrs. Cummings the extra reassurance, but I wouldn't have had any plausible reason to know how things were going. Finally, an impeccably dressed nurse came in and announced that William was out of surgery, and doing well. Mrs. Cummings burst into tears all over again, and Mr. Cummings just about tripped over my feet as he dashed over to where the nurse was standing. She held up her hands, blocking his entry into the hall.

"Now, just give him some time," she said warmly. "We'll be keeping a close eye on him, and he needs his rest. You'll be able to see him later today."

"But he'll be all right?" Mrs. Cummings asked, wringing her hands.

"Doctor Cullen is very confident," the nurse answered, finally smiling. "William lost a lot of blood, but Edward here saved the day. Your son is lucky to have such a friend." Her smile was joined by a blush as she peeked over at me.

After giving a few more details and some paperwork to fill out, she left us. "What did she mean, Edward?" Mrs. Cummings asked. "Was that about you shooting the bear?"

"That, and…" I shrugged. "He was bleeding a lot, from his neck. I just sort of held things together until the paramedics got there."

The next thing I knew, I was trapped in her arms again. "Oh, I can't thank you enough!" she wept into my shoulder. Mr. Cummings was nodding furiously, trying to contain his own emotion.

"If there's anything we can do for you, anything at all…" he trailed off, swallowing.

"It was what anyone would have done," I protested. _Not anyone_ , I thought grimly. If only they knew what I had _really_ done to save their son's life… and how close I had come to taking it myself.

"Edward?"

I freed myself from Mrs. Cumming's arms, turning around to see the nurse standing there again. "Yes?"

"Your father would like to see you."

I followed her through the door, giving a parting nod of encouragement to William's parents. She led me back into the OR, which now stood empty except for another nurse who was gathering up the soiled linens and used instruments, and for Carlisle. He was still in his bloodied scrubs, perched on a stool and writing in a chart.

"Edward," he said with a casual smile, rising to his feet. "Mary, I'll take care of all that. Your shift ended an hour ago."

"But, Doctor-" she began, flustered.

Carlisle turned fully to face her, smiling warmly and hypnotizing her with his golden gaze. "Go on home, Mary. Your family is waiting for you."

Mary blushed and left, sweeping up as big an armful of the linens as she could on her way out. The other nurse followed. Carlisle closed and locked the door behind them, his smile fading instantly.

"Alice said you were hurt. Where?"

I slid my shirt off, wincing again in pain at the movement. I felt Carlisle's probing fingers on the wound, and I was able to look through his eyes; I now saw why it had been hurting so much. Jasper had bitten deep into the muscles and bone, nearly tearing off the top half of my shoulder blade. Beside the two ragged crescent-shaped gashes from his bite, there was a third tear that ran nearly to my spine, from when I had pulled away from him in the fight. He had meant business.

_It's bad._ _I'm sorry, this is going to hurt._

I nodded, ready to get it over with. After a last glance at the closed door, Carlisle lowered his mouth to the top bite, and I finally moaned in pain as he began to pull. The foreign venom burned with a vengeance on its way out. It took him three tries to fully clean the wound. As he moved on to the second one, I began to feel the familiar tickling sensation of the healing process.

The second one was worse. It took Carlisle nearly five minutes to get all the venom back to the surface. I watched through his eyes in pained fascination as the inner tissues began to heal first, bone and ligaments and muscle fusing back together into granite perfection. He finally moved on to the third and most superficial wound, cleaning it easily. He watched as everything continued to fuse, wanting to make sure he had gotten it all.

"Can I see him?" I asked as we waited.

Carlisle nodded, still staring at the second wound as it slowly shrank. "Yes. And I really do think he'll make it. It'll be a long recovery, but he'll make it." He moved to where I could see him, waiting until he had my eyes. "Thanks to you, son. What you did…" He slowly shook his head in awe.

"It was nothing," I murmured. "And I couldn't have done anything, if it wasn't for Alice."

Carlisle bundled up the sheet that contained the discarded venom, rolling it into a tight ball and shoving it deep into the portable trash bin. He checked the wound again, nodding in satisfaction: everything except the skin itself was healed now. "It wasn't nothing," he said, coming around to face me again. His golden eyes were bright; through them I could see my own black irises, evidence of how close I had come to failure. "Of course it was difficult; I can see that. This might have been the most difficult temptation you've ever had to face. And you _resisted_." He smiled. "But you did more than that. You saved your friend's life, because you weren't afraid to risk killing him yourself. And seconds after fighting Jasper off, no less- and his thirst, as well. I can't begin to imagine how much harder that made it. I'm so _very_ proud of you, son."

I dropped my eyes, ready to offer my usual protest, ready to list the reasons why his praise was undeserved- which of course it was. I had simply done what I had to do, and everything had come together at the right moment- thanks to Alice- to prevent the ultimate disaster. But then I remembered that _I could trust him._ I glanced back up at him. "You really mean that?"

His smile widened, his golden eyes bright with love and pride that shot straight to my heart. "I do. And you believe me?"

"Yes. I… thank you."

He nodded, moving around me to check on the healing. The tickling sensation was fading away now, leaving my left shoulder forever marked with the evidence of Jasper's bite. Over on the back of my right shoulder was the much smaller, thinner scar I had gotten from Emmett on the day of his awakening.

"How does it feel?"

I worked my left shoulder in a circle, sighing in relief at the absence of pain. " _Much_ better. Perfect, actually. Thanks."

He took me over into Recovery, to where William was. I found my friend still unconscious but with better color than before. He was receiving a blood transfusion. He had a cast on his left leg, a neat row of stitches running up the left side of his throat, and was dotted with various other bandages and ointments. Bruises had already begun to bloom, mostly along his left side where he had hit the tree.

Carlisle laid his hand on Williams' chest, listening and feeling for respiratory and pulse rates, and checking for unwanted sounds and smells. His other hand was loosely clasped around the left brachial artery, measuring my friend's blood pressure with far greater accuracy than any of his instruments. "He's doing just fine."

"What about the damage to the spleen?" I asked worriedly. "Do you think there was any brain damage from the impact or the blood loss? Were either of his lungs punctured?"

Carlisle gave me a mental account at superspeed, leaving out the bloodiest images but giving me every ounce of information he could regarding the injuries, everything he had done in surgery, and his projections for recovery. I asked several more questions, which he answered. When I was finally satisfied, I looked up from William's chart to find my father watching me.

_You've missed this, haven't you?_

"What?"

He nodded toward the chart. _All of this._ _Medicine._ _Medical school._

I slowly closed the chart and laid it atop the cart next to the bed, letting my fingers linger on it. It _did_ feel good to be doing this again- poring over a chart, discussing patient care with Carlisle, getting into the fascinating details of human anatomy and physiology… though it had never hit so close to home before, how fragile humans were. "Yes," I answered honestly. "But that still doesn't mean it's a good idea."

"But your success today-"

I shook my head. "You don't know how close it was." I glanced around, ensuring that we were alone. "I almost killed him _myself_ , Carlisle. Your eyes are as golden as ever, and you just came out of two hours of surgery!"

Carlisle smiled, looking into my black eyes without judgment. "Do you remember what I showed you, about when Aro tested me? That happened nearly sixty years after my change, Edward, and I couldn't even bring myself to try and save him. You're _ahead_ of where I was at your age, in terms of control."

I did the math quickly in my head. But he was right; I couldn't believe it.

"And look around you," he added gently. His eyes flicked over to the blood bag, to William's body with its many wounds, and down to the blood stains on his scrubs. "I can see your thirst, and yet here you are, surrounded by blood and barely giving it a second thought."

"Stale blood," I protested, my throat treacherously flaring as I spoke the word. "And I had a fox an hour ago."

Carlisle laughed, a beautiful angelic sound that seemed out of place with the fluorescent lights and the beeping of the monitors. _You don't see yourself clearly at all, do you?_ _Allow a proud father one day's worth of indulgence._ I finally smiled.

"I don't mean to press you, son," he went on. "But you really did seem to enjoy yourself while you were in medical school. Aren't you interested in trying it again, someday?"

"I did enjoy it." I paused, ready to tell him more of my secrets. They seemed so ridiculous to keep, now that we were done walking on eggshells with each other. "I decided on medical school for several reasons. I really did want to help keep you updated. And then, when it began to look like more of a real possibility, I was eager to follow in your footsteps if I could. There was the challenge. And then there was the matter of... atonement."

_For the men you killed?_

I nodded. "You know… saving lives, instead of taking them."

Carlisle frowned, opening his mouth to assure me that there was no debt to repay, but then he remembered Jasper's chastisement. He let out a breath, relaxing his control over his thoughts. _I know exactly what you mean._

"No, you don't. What could you possibly have to atone for?"

Carlisle smiled, but the sadness remained. _Jasper was right, you know._ _I am, in a very real way, responsible for all the deaths that my creations have dealt, whether by intent or by accident. I did know what I was doing when I began creating vampires._ _And you know quite well there are… other things._ _Things I did a long time ago._ _Things I might have prevented, had I the courage…_

He strained his memory back into the deep past, bringing into focus a few blurry images from his human days. Pitchforks and torches and wooden stakes… and flame, consuming a terrified woman with white hair. She was screaming, pleading her innocence while Carlisle just looked on, immobilized in his shame and doubt. Beside him stood his father, his eyes blazing with triumphant hatred.

"You see, Edward," Carlisle murmured, opening his eyes, "there are many kinds of monsters in the world."

"You didn't know any better."

Carlisle shook his head, still deep in his memories. Now he was picturing me during in my years away, prowling through the streets with my red eyes. I flinched as he imagined me pouncing on a man in a dark alley, my face pressed to his neck. But Carlisle's imagination lingered not on the man I was busy killing, but on the young woman who was running away from the alley, sobbing in relief at her unorthodox rescue. _And there are many kinds of heroes._ _I can never condone what you chose to do; you know that._ _But if I've never said it, son, I want you to know that I was so relieved to find out what you did with that choice._ _I was… proud._ _You were saving lives the whole time you were taking them._

"That doesn't make it right."

"No, it doesn't. But none of us is perfect, Edward. All we can do is to make the best of what we have been given, and make a new start when we are given the chance. And I think it's telling that the only two scars you bear were both won in an effort to save lives. If you feel you are meant to save lives in this new way," he added, sweeping his hand over the cart of monitors, "then I think you should give yourself the chance."

"Maybe," I heard myself saying. "Maybe I'll try again, someday."

Carlisle smiled. "And in the meantime?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "High school's up next, whenever Jasper is ready to try."

We both sobered at the mention of my brother's name; dreams and futures would have to wait. "Did William see anything?" Carlisle asked quietly.

"No. At least, I don't think so. Jasper grabbed him from behind, and I hit them both so hard that he was knocked unconscious."

Carlisle shuddered. _I had no idea it was that close._

I quickly told him everything I had told the paramedics and William's parents. "The one paramedic was wondering who called for the ambulance," I added grimly. "Has anyone else said anything about that?"

"Not that I've heard. But since William is going to survive, I can't imagine anyone making a fuss over particulars. Still, you and Alice will need to keep watch for a while."

I nodded, and then tilted my head in concentration. "He's waking up."

Carlisle nodded, noting the rise in pulse and respiratory rate. We both stood silently as William's mind slowly churned into a dream state, and then into semi-consciousness. A small crease formed above his closed eyes as he tried to remember what had happened. He recalled cutting himself with the tent stake, and wrapping up the injury. Then there was a flash of pain and the sound of thunder, and blackness.

"It's all right," I whispered. "He doesn't remember much."

"Good. What can you tell about his brain function? Integrity of cranial nerves, peripheral sensation?"

I dropped my voice even lower, reporting everything I could think of that might be relevant. I carefully opened my mind to William's pain, ensuring that he didn't have any injuries that Carlisle had missed. I was able to detect feeling in all his limbs, and even confirmed that his sense of smell was intact. Carlisle finally nodded, quite assured of William's chances of making a full recovery.

_I wish I could write a paper._ _"_ _Neurological consult by telepathy"._

I grinned. "If you could write papers on all the strange things you've-" I cut off, looking back down at my friend. His eyes slowly fluttered open, and in his mind I saw the blur of the lights slowly giving way to my face.

"Ed… Edward?" he slurred, confused. He blinked again, now fully alert as he registered the pain. "Ow."

"Hello, William," Carlisle said softly. "I'm Dr. Cullen, and you're at Cottage Hospital. You're going to be all right."

William shifted slightly under the sheets and blankets, wincing when he discovered new sources of pain. " _Ow_ ," he moaned again.

"Take it easy," I soothed, stepping closer. "You were attacked by a bear while you were out camping."

"Edward was nearby," Carlisle added. "He saved your life."

William peered at me drunkenly; Carlisle already had him on some heavy painkillers. "That was dumb," he muttered, closing his eyes again. "You coulda bled to death."

I laughed lightly at the new image in his mind: I was wrestling an enormous, snarling grizzly twice my height. "I had a gun," I informed him with a smirk.

"Oh... yeah." He frowned in concentration, trying to remember if I had ever mentioned a penchant for hunting before. But his mind was as malleable as any human's; his memory was already adjusting to define the crashing sound he had heard as a gunshot. What are you doing still around here, anyway? Thought you were going to Canada or something."

"What are _you_ doing up here?" I countered quickly. "Shouldn't you be down at Harvard?"

"Fall Break," he muttered, licking his lips. _Water._

I found a cup of water waiting on the cart and held it to his lips, watching worriedly as his mind continued to try and reassemble the events of the morning. "Thanks," he said, letting his head fall back on the pillows. Then his left hand weakly inched toward me on the blanket. "And thanks," he said in a clearer voice. "Thank you for saving me."

I nodded, smiling sadly. "I only wish I could have gotten there sooner." I poured as much silent apology as I could into the words; it was all I could give him.

"I'm going to change," Carlisle said, writing some quick notes in William's chart. "And then I'll go let your parents know you're awake." He left the room.

William blinked again, picturing his parents and then a blurred line of trees zooming past the window of his car. "Nick okay?" he asked suddenly.

I frowned. "What does Nick have to do with it?"

"He was out there with me this morning. I mean, he was earlier, but then he went off hunting while I got the tent up. Told him it was no good going out in the rain… what?"

"Your parents didn't say anything about Nick," I said, trying very hard not to break the bedrail I suddenly had a death grip on. "And I didn't see his car."

William shrugged, wincing again as he discovered his broken collarbone. "They didn't know. I picked him up on the way out of town. I guess he's okay, though. You shot the bear, right?"

I gritted my teeth. "I missed. Hold on, I'll be back in just a second." I left him staring after me as I darted out of the room, barely keeping to human speed. I grabbed the phone hanging on the wall by the nurse's lounge, calling home.

No answer.

"Tell my dad I'll see him at home," I told the nearest nurse, then turned on my heel and headed out the service entrance again.

I ran straight home. As soon as I was in range, I stabbed out with my gift and found the evidence I had feared. Through Alice's eyes I saw Jasper turn around from the window to face her. His eyes were a brilliant, guilty red.


	38. Villains

I tore into the house so fast that even Alice gasped in surprise. Jasper was already making his way to the door to meet me, his hands held up in defense.

"Edward, I truly am—"

I hit him with all the force I could put behind my fist. He tripped and fell, spinning into a defensive crouch on the floor. I lunged for him again, snarling, but Emmett and Rosalie already had me locked between them.

"HE WAS MY _FRIEND_!" I roared, still straining forward against the hands that held me. "They were both my friends! Did it ever _occur_ to you that these people have _lives_? That they have _families_?!"

Emmett's grip tightened on my shoulder. _Take it easy!_ _He feels bad enough as it is._

Jasper did look miserable, still crouched on the floor. His red eyes were watching me warily as his hand crept up to touch the fractured skin over his cheek. _I'm sorry._ _I didn't know._ His memory flickered back to the woods, first to our fight and then to Nick's terrified face. And then his dead face, eyes open and staring at nothing… his throat torn savagely open.

I snarled again in a new fury, lunging even harder against Emmett's and Rosalie's arms. I was just about to turn and attack Rosalie when Esme appeared in front of me, her hands on either side of my face.

"Shh, Edward, ssh… calm down. I'm so sorry." _I'm so, so sorry._

I finally went limp, sagging in my siblings' arms and burying my face in my mother's shoulder and wishing, wishing _so hard_ , that I could cry real tears. All I could see was Nick, with his cheeky grin and his energy. Nick, who had dubbed himself, William and I "The Three Musketeers" back in Gross Anatomy when we had helped him squeak by with a passing grade. Nick, whose dream was to be the orthopedist for the Cardinals. Nick, who always came up with the craziest mnemonics when we were studying. Nick, who had never let me play basketball because he had been worried about my hemophilia. Nick, whose young life had just been snuffed out by a vampire.

By one of _us._

When I opened my eyes again, the sun had moved and I found myself seated alone on the couch. Jasper was still there as well, but standing across the room. His face had healed.

"I'm sorry," he said again. I kept staring at him, trying to reconcile this brother with the one who had so recently sat in our living room, calmly helping Carlisle and me sort out our emotions, eager to help his new family be at peace with one another. Who had collapsed into a pile with Emmett and me, laughing freely as he wiped blue paint out of his eyes. Who made Rosalie smile like no one else could. But now he was just a red-eyed stranger again, his skin slightly flushed with Nick's blood. It made the whiteness of his scars stand out even more.

"Tell me it was an accident," I demanded.

"It was an accident."

But his eyes dipped down in guilt a little too quickly. Alice's pacing upstairs came to a standstill when she saw a new vision of my hands around Jasper's throat. I dropped my head down into my hands, twisting my fingers tight in my hair instead so I wouldn't attack him. Alice started pacing again, satisfied.

"Just show me, Jasper."

He opened his mind fully, taking us both back to our fight. He had run away from me, hand over his nose, and made a beeline for where he had last seen Emmett. But somewhere on the way, his feet had changed direction and his hand had come down from his face. Jasper himself couldn't quite remember how that had happened; there hadn't been much in the way of conscious thought about any of it.

"I told you to go back to _Alice,"_ I said through my clenched teeth. "I told you to go back home. You were going to do it."

"Was I?" Jasper sighed, finally relaxing his guard enough to sit down in Carlisle's chair opposite me. He sat on the edge, still ready to jump away if I attacked again. "Did you really think I had given up that easily? I only heard you say one thing, besides Alice's name, and that was 'You can't have him'. And there is only one way that a vampire can break off his pursuit, once he is so close to the kill: to pull away from his comrade's prey and find his own. I did intend to go home, or back to find Emmett. Some part of me. But I just… I had to have it, by that point. It wasn't a conscious decision, to resume the hunt, I swear it. Maybe if I had come across a decent animal first… but it didn't take long to find what I was looking for. If I had known he was your friend…"

"Then what?" I snapped, looking back up at him. "You would have resisted? So it _was_ a conscious decision?"

"No! It was just…" He shrugged, looking miserable.

We sat in silence for another moment. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he offered.

"You think I care about that?!"

More silence.

_For what it's worth, you fought well._

I shook my head, dragging myself to my feet. "I want to see him."

"No, you don't."

I flinched as Jasper unintentionally gave me another view of my friend's sightless eyes. "Where is he?"

"I took care of it." He gestured out the window to the forest at large, picturing the deep grave he had dug. I saw now, for the first time, the dirt under his fingernails… and the blood.

"If you think I'm just going to leave him there at the bottom of some _pit_ -"

The phone rang, and I snatched it up angrily. "Cullen residence," I hissed into the receiver.

Carlisle's voice was soft. "Edward."

I straightened up and forced out a calming breath, looking at Jasper. He nodded slightly. _They called him while you were running home._ _He knows._

"Edward, are you there?"

"I'm here."

Carlisle drew a quiet breath. "You're sure it was Nick, then?"

"Yes."

"I'm so very sorry, son."

I swallowed hard, waiting a moment before I could trust my voice. "How's William doing?"

"Just fine, although he's upset that no one has heard from Nick yet. Listen, Edward, I know this is a terrible time to ask, but I need you to do something."

"What?"

"When William's parents heard about Nick still being unaccounted for, they called his parents… who called the police."

"That's just _fantastic_. And?"

"The police went ahead and contacted the ranger station in that section of the White Mountain Forest. They're sending two men over to meet up with a few park rangers, and they'd like you to meet them at that parking lot and show them where William and Nick had been camping. Just so they'll have the right starting point to begin… searching."

"They won't find anything. Jasper cleaned up."

"I know. And at this point, Nick has only been missing out in the forest for a few hours. If it weren't for their worry about the bear you reported, they probably wouldn't even start looking yet. It's important that you cooperate at this point, and that you don't show any undue concern other than that fact that you're worried about the bear, too. I don't know if they're planning on asking you any questions, but when Alice called she said she didn't see much conversation taking place."

"I still don't," said a small voice at my shoulder. Alice was standing there with her hands folded together and looking unusually subdued.

I wanted to say no. The last thing I wanted to do was to go back to where all this happened, lie to the police, and pretend to search for my friend, who I knew was already dead. But Carlisle was right; whether we decided to leave town or not afterward, this would help clear the Cullen name of any suspicion. He was counting on me.

"All right," I sighed into the receiver. "Just let me get cleaned up and I'll drive over there."

"Thank you. And if you can spare a few minutes to hunt on the way, I think it would be a good idea."

I raked my fingers back through my hair in frustration. The thought of killing anything was repulsive right now, but apparently the monster wasn't getting the message; my throat burned even as my stomach twisted in revulsion. "Undoubtedly. Are you coming home now?"

"As soon as I can."

I hung up and flew upstairs to shower and dress. While I was still in the bathroom I heard the front door slam, but it was just Emmett coming home from some errand. As soon as my hair was halfway dry I headed back downstairs. "Weather?" I asked Alice as I tied my shoes.

"Mostly cloudy… a couple bursts of sun, though, in about… half an hour?"

I grabbed a jacket and hat out of the hall closet. "Seen anything new yet?"

"No. But…" she sighed, nodding toward Emmett. "You'll need this."

Emmett stepped forward and handed me a brand new rifle. This was the errand he had just returned from, apparently. _Good luck._ I took it, sighing in annoyance as I remembered that our alibi included my shooting at the imaginary bear to scare him off.

"I don't know the first thing about guns," I admitted to Emmett. He gave me a quick lesson on how to load it, Jasper looking on with some interest. Everyone followed me outside to watch me take a practice shot. I fired into the air. The sound sent a whole flock of birds sailing up into the sky... and felt like a rock settling in my stomach. Emmett corrected my hold so that I would at least _look_ like I knew what I was doing when I carried it.

"Good enough," he shrugged. "And don't break it, either. I might want to take it out sometime. You know, for old times' sake…" He grinned and winked at Rosalie, but they both dropped their smiles when they felt my glare.

"Anything else?" I snapped at Alice. When she looked hurt again, I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I'm sorry. I know you can't catch everything. It's not your fault."

 _And Jasper_ , Esme thought, looking meaningfully toward my brother. _Please, Edward._ _He needs you to forgive him, especially._

So I forced it out. "Or yours, Jasper. Not really." I thought about shaking his hand, but it seemed a bit ridiculous under the circumstances. I caught his eye and did my best to _feel_ like I understood. Or at least, like I didn't want to kill him anymore. He smiled sadly, nodding his understanding. In return, he showed me a map of the forest in his mind, guessing roughly at the location of where Nick was buried. He ended with a picture of Carlisle's face.

"He'll forgive you," I assured him tiredly. "He'll understand."

Jasper nodded again, pulling Alice into his arms and absently kissing the top of her head. _I know._

.

.

.

I stopped a couple miles before reaching the campsite, ducking into the woods to grab a quick deer. I took the rifle with me, for a moment considering making the kill with it. But the rangers were already out combing the woods, and besides, I wasn't really in the mood to take up a new hobby.

After the deer was buried, I ran to the campsite, taking care to avoid the rangers. I kicked the rifle around in the dirt a bit, trying to make it look like it hadn't been purchased an hour ago. I left it on the ground a few feet from William's tent, covering it with enough leaves that the barrel was just visible. Then I doubled back to the car and drove the rest of the way, pulling up between the Cadillac and the police car, which had also just arrived. Three park rangers were also waiting, impatient to begin their search. I scanned everyone's mind anxiously, but they were all focused on the task at hand.

"Edward Cullen," I introduced myself as I got out of my car. I already had my face arranged in what I hoped was mild concern. "So Nick Lawrence is still missing?"

"Hopefully not," one of the rangers replied. "It hasn't been that long yet, and Mr. Cummings did say that your friend had been gone from the campsite a while, meaning he had gone pretty far out. So hopefully we'll find him without much trouble, and he'll be wondering why we made such a fuss."

"What about the bear?" I asked, hating myself for the innocent worry I forced into my tone. "He seemed pretty ferocious."

"Take us to the campsite first," the ranger said, holding up his hand. "We'll deal with the bear later."

I led them to the site, explaining what had happened as we walked, including more details about the bear attack. I quickly learned why Alice had sent Emmett to buy me a gun; one of the policemen had already spoken with William, who had told them about my shooting at the bear. I made a show of searching the campsite for the gun that I had apparently thrown aside when I ran to help William.

"Here it is," I announced casually, pulling the rifle out of the leaves.

"So," one of the policemen said slowly, "if you were here with Mr. Cummings, who called for the ambulance?"

I was ready this time. "My sister and I drove out together. We had only been in the woods for a few minutes when we heard the struggle and ran to see what was happening. So while I was helping William, I sent her back to the car to drive for help. I guess she just called from the nearest house she could find."

He gave me an uncertain look. "Your sister goes hunting with you?"

"Rosalie's an unorthodox woman," I said, shaking my head in dismissal. "She's interested in hunting, she's the best mechanic in the family, and even though she's married, she goes to _college_." And she was also about to be furious that I had dragged her into this, but I didn't have a choice. According to the cover story, she was the only sister I had, and since Alice had made the call, we needed a female voice to fill in that part of the story. It would be even more of a stretch to say I had brought my _mother_ along for a morning hunt.

"Huh." The policeman looked doubtful, but let the matter rest. One of the rangers gave some instructions on how they wanted the search conducted, and naturally, I volunteered to help. It seemed like something a human friend would do, and it would probably be wise to check the surrounding area for any evidence that Jasper might have left behind.

"I don't know," one of the rangers said worriedly. "If that bear's as vicious as you say, I'd feel better if you left it to us."

"I have a gun," I protested.

"No offense, kid," he said kindly, "but if you can't hit a bear at point-blank range, you're probably not able to defend yourself. We don't want to end up having to look for you, too."

"He was trying to eat my friend," I muttered, not having to fake the disgust in my voice. "I didn't want to aim too closely. And now my other friend is out there, in who knows what condition." I clenched my jaw, hating the charade more with every word. I was going to have to crank it up even higher when we met back here later this afternoon, having found no sign of Nick. "If there's anything I can do to save him, I want to do it. I _need_ to do it. And I know my way around these woods. I can take care of myself. So just… just let me help, _please_."

The ranger smiled, remembering some of his own friendships as a young man. He nodded. _Poor kid. H_ _e's been through enough today._ _I just hope he doesn't have to be the one to find the body, if that's how it ended._

.

.

.

As soon as I was far enough from the others I veered to the east, to the section of the forest Jasper had showed me. I soon found the faint scent of stale human blood on the air and went towards it.

Jasper had done well covering the grave. After a moment's hesitation, I began to dig. Nick's body was four feet down. Anger rushed through me again when I saw the careless way Jasper had tossed him into the hole. It was bad enough that we couldn't reunite him with his family for a decent burial, or even for closure, but he deserved better than _this_. I dug the grave longer so that he could be laid out properly. I rearranged him as best I could, closing his eyes and laying his hands on his chest and brushing his hair out of eyes. Then I climbed back out and, for the first time in my second life, awkwardly mumbled my way through one of the prayers I had seen in one of Carlisle's books.

_... never seen the bears around here get so nasty._ _Wonder if it was rabid…_

I was out of time. One of the rangers was working his way closer, having been appointed this part of the forest to search. I buried my friend again, packing down the dirt and covering the grave with a blanket of dead leaves to match the ground nearby. I surveyed the scene one last time, smudging out the few footprints that I had left. I laid my hand over the now-invisible mound and murmured one final apology before running away, back into the part of the forest where I was supposed to be looking.

I finally stopped and sank down to my knees, leaning against the nearest tree for support. Images flashed before my eyes; other men I had buried, or burned, or drowned… though in most of those cases I had been the one to kill them. For once I heard no accusations, saw no faces except Nick's. And his face, in my imagination, didn't wear that look of angry accusation, or his carefree smile, or even the peaceful mask I had forced his features into a moment ago. All I could see was his terror… the face Jasper had reluctantly showed me from his memory.

I forced the image away, trying to remember Nick the way he had really been. He had reminded me so much of Emmett: a brilliant mind and a tender heart, hiding behind an ever-present goofy smile. Always full of energy, always ready with a joke, always so cavalier about the future.

A future that was now gone. Because of us.

I was still angry, though I knew blaming Jasper wasn't going to bring Nick back. He was my brother, and that bond would outlast countless generations of human lives. And even if it could have been more of an accident, I understood that he never meant for it to happen. These were just the kinds of things that happened in our world. And these were just the kinds of reasons that we couldn't get attached to our human peers, the way I had with William and Nick. That had been a mistake.

One I was never going to make again.

* * *

**:(**


	39. Alibi

**I'm back from a lovely vacation! From now on I'm going to try to focus exclusively on 1950 until it's finished, which I really hope will be by the end of the summer. A few chapters ago a guest reviewer requested some more Rosalie scenes, and I'm very happy to oblige. In order to understand a scene in this chapter, you'll want to know** **the lyrics to Nat King Cole's _Mona Lisa,_ especially the second verse:**

**_Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa_ **   
**_Men have named you_ **   
**_You're so like the lady with the mystic smile_ **   
**_Is it only cause you're lonely_ **   
**_They have blamed you_ **   
**_For that Mona Lisa strangeness in your smile_ **

**_Do you smile to tempt a lover, Mona Lisa_ **   
**_Or is this your way to hide a broken heart_ **   
**_Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep_ **   
**_They just lie there, and they die there_ **   
**_Are you warm, are you real, Mona Lisa_ **   
**_Or just a cold and lonely, lovely work of art_ **

When I got home around noon, I found what I had expected: Carlisle back home, every mind on edge, everyone waiting for me so we could all discuss the situation. What I didn't expect to find was everyone seated around the dining room table.

"What's this?" I asked, tossing my jacket and the rifle into the hall closet. Carlisle was seated at the head of the table with Esme at his right. Rosalie was next to her, then Emmett, with Jasper at the end opposite Carlisle. Alice was on his right, with an empty seat ready for me between her and Carlisle.

"I just thought we'd try it this way," Esme said lightly, trying not to think about the explosions that had resulted from recent family "discussions". I nodded grimly and took my seat, pretending to ignore the fact that both Alice and Jasper were prodding my mood and my future. In fact, everyone was watching me, wondering if I would lay into Jasper again.

They needn't have bothered. I had laid out my friend and said my goodbyes. I had accepted the fact that these things happened, and that this scar would exist on my heart forever as an eternal lesson, learned the hard way: don't get attached. I was also trying to keep in mind that Nick wouldn't have lived much longer than this, relatively speaking. The fact that my own brother was the one who had killed him, and was sitting a few feet to my left with Nick's blood in his eyes, wouldn't be helped by holding a grudge. Right now it was time to deal with the consequences.

"I didn't hear any suspicion of foul play from the Police or the Rangers," I reported, turning toward Carlisle. "They were less optimistic when we met after the first round of searching, but they were all assuming the bear had gotten him, or that he's still lost in the woods. They're stirring up a bigger search party right now."

"And I haven't overheard any gossip at the hospital," Carlisle said. "But Alice has begun seeing visions of us leaving... possibly."

"Just a glimpse, here and there," Alice piped up, and all eyes turned to her now. "I mostly see us staying." She closed her eyes, lifting a hand to rub her temple as if she had a headache. "I don't know why, though. It's so hard to find the _cause_ …"

Jasper silently took her hand under the table and squeezed it, sending her some encouraging emotion.

"I don't see anything in the cover story that would tip them off," Carlisle said with a frown. "Edward improvised a fairly solid alibi. Granted, it was quite a coincidence that Edward and Emmett just happened to be in the woods and stumble upon William and the bear, but still-"

"Rosalie," I corrected. Alice sighed, biting her lip.

"What?" Rosalie asked.

"No, I meant you were the one hunting with me in the cover story. That's what I told them this morning."

"Why would _I_ go hunting with you?" she asked indignantly.

I threw up my hands. "I don't know! I needed something in the story to account for the female voice making the call for the ambulance! Don't you think it makes more sense for me to take you out hunting than Esme?"

Rosalie folded her arms, reclining back angrily in her chair. "It would make perfect sense, except for the fact that _Emmett_ was the one who made the call."

"We thought it made more sense that way," Emmett explained. "Since you'd be more likely to take a brother out hunting than a sister. Alice just fed me everything to say. I guess we should have told you that part…"

I closed my eyes and whispered an oath. Unbelievable…

Carlisle cleared his throat. "It appears we didn't cover everything after all. But I don't see why they would even make that connection. It's not as if the Police would have a reason to follow up on the call, if they weren't already suspicious."

"They're not suspicious _yet_ ," Jasper corrected, speaking up for the first time. "Something must be happening soon to change their minds. Something we could prevent?"

"Or maybe someone will change their mind and begin an investigation?" Esme offered.

Alice shook her head. "No, Jasper's right. I wouldn't see us leaving if…" she trailed off as her eyes glazed over. We waited as she sifted through her visions again. Rosalie at Dartmouth, Carlisle at work… but then at work in a different hospital. Emmett helping Esme pull down a rotting deck on a new house. Jasper smiling down at her, his eyes halfway back to gold, but here in the living room of this house. "I just don't know," she said lamely. "It's still unclear. But it's certainly not getting better."

"Well, is that the same as getting worse, or not?" Rosalie began in irritation. "What's the good of-" Jasper shot her a glare, and for once in her life she shut up immediately.

"It looks as though we should make the preparations, at least," Carlisle said sadly. "Alice can keep watch and we'll be ready to go, if need be."

"But what about the things you said before?" Jasper protested. "About not wanting our departure to actually be the cause of more suspicion, and the Cullen name being circulated? The stakes are higher than before."

"And it's too late to fake it, like back in Thunder Bay," Emmett put in.

"What do you mean?" Jasper asked.

"We hightailed it out of town because Rose and I had been spotted from a distance," Emmett answered, "and left behind some 'evidence' that we had actually left several days before that. Rotten fruit, old garbage, a full mailbox, that kind of stuff. But Carlisle had already been off work for a few days. This time a bunch of us have been seen the day of, so it wouldn't work anyway."

"And another time we weren't suspected at all, but felt it was time to move on just in case," Esme added. "So we waited a couple of weeks and then quietly left town. What about that, Alice?"

But Alice was already deep in her visions again, frowning. I frowned too as we saw a new vision unfold: Carlisle being questioned in his office by two Police Officers.

"That's no good," I sighed. "We'd better leave right away." I looked to Carlisle and quickly explained the new danger. He slumped slightly in his chair and nodded.

"No!" Alice said abruptly. "That's worse." She squirmed in her chair, flitting through images of us travelling through various landscapes. "And don't ask me why, because I don't know. It just is."

"Back to the first plan, then," Carlisle said. "We get ready to leave, but make no final decision as of right now. But if we do leave soon, how do we make it less suspicious?"

"Use me," I said after a few moments of silence. "Think about it. I've already been through a lot, what with my parents dying in that car crash and everything, then all the travelling. Then I got kicked out of medical school, and now this thing with William and the bear. And now I'm even more upset about what might have happened to Nick," I added with distaste. "That's the impression I left them with this morning, and I know they bought it. And William and Nick always thought of me as fragile."

"So… what does that have to do with us leaving?" Alice asked.

"So I'm really upset, and I've got to get out of here. I run off to…" I waved my hand. "I don't know. Boston? That's where I'm originally from in the cover story, and I have connections there. Or maybe a distant relative. Carlisle gets a hold of me on the phone and decides that the family might need to pull up roots and all start over in a new place for my sake. That way if we do disappear soon, the gossip can center around just me having a nervous breakdown, versus a suspicion about whether we were involved in Nick's disappearance."

"Edward," Esme said worriedly, "you don't need to-"

"I like it," Rosalie announced. "Emmett and I could go to our afternoon classes today and make sure we're overheard talking about it, and Carlisle could do the same thing at work tonight- maybe you could go in there, Esme, and play it up. And this way, if Alice's visions clean up, we won't have to leave at all- we'll just have Edward come back home in the cover story."

Carlisle and Esme didn't feel so enthusiastic, especially about the parts they would need to play, but nobody had any better ideas. Rosalie and Emmett went off to school, and Alice called Eleazar to talk about the best way for her to liquidate her investments without drawing too much attention. Esme went straight to the attic to begin packing the nonessentials, while Carlisle and I started sifting through our records to decide what to keep and what to throw out. Jasper just stood in the living room feeling miserable and useless until Esme took pity and assigned him a few things to do.

Alice's visions didn't clean up as the afternoon wore on; they got worse. It looked like we would be leaving before the week was out.

"I still don't understand it," Esme sighed as she packed away a shelf's worth of books. "They don't even know that Nick is dead yet."

"Or if he is, that it was anything besides a bear," Alice added absently. She had given up on helping and was curled up in one corner of the living room couch, picking apart the future to try and figure out _why_ we were leaving. Not that it could be helped at this point, but we wanted to do everything possible to protect the Cullen name. At least she had never seen any sign of the Volturi becoming involved, and she wasn't likely to. Even if word did reach Aro's ears that a Cullen was suspected of murder, he would probably be delighted that his strange friend Carlisle had finally fallen from grace and begun feeding like a normal person. The worst case scenario was that we'd never be able to use Carlisle's surname or live in this region again.

Rosalie and Emmett got home just before five o'clock.

"How are we…" Emmett began, slamming the door and coming into the living room to find us packing in earnest. "Oh. Guess we're leaving."

Rosalie took one long glance around at the boxes and crates, letting her eyes rest accusingly for a moment on Jasper. Then she stormed upstairs to pack, her high heels clacking angrily up the steps. Emmett shot Jasper an apologetic look and followed her.

"She'll come around," Carlisle assured Jasper quietly.

 _She's not angry at me_ , Jasper thought, getting another box ready for Esme. _She's angry at herself._

I blinked. "Come again?"

He shook his head slightly, focusing on his task. I looked up at the ceiling and curiously latched onto Rosalie's mind, but pulled quickly away. Emmett was already distracting her from packing and from her sour mood in the way he knew best.

 _Leave it alone_ , Jasper advised mentally.

I shrugged and began gathering all my piano music into one box. I sighed, trilling my finger through one of the upper octaves. "I don't suppose we could take it," I said to no one in particular.

"I don't see why not," Esme said brightly, happy to have found a way to indulge me. "It's not like we're sneaking out of town… not really. I'll call a piano mover." She left the room, her own high heels clicking out a rhythm that was somehow always more soothing than Rosalie's.

I shot an annoyed glance up at the ceiling. Did they always have to be so infernally _loud_? Instead of working in my own room next, as I had planned, I took some boxes out to the garage in order to give myself some more mental space. It still wasn't far enough, but at least Rosalie kept a record player out here. I flipped through her stack, finding a brand new record I hadn't listened to yet: _Mona Lisa_ , by Nat King Cole. I set the needle and cranked up the volume as high as it would go.

I hadn't even gotten through the second verse before Rosalie appeared, mentally shouting about my incompetence and rearranging the box of tools I had already packed.

"Just trying to help," I muttered under the music. "Since you're so _busy_ and all…" She responded by staring at the record player, and then suddenly grabbing the record out of it and smashing it down against the edge of the workbench.

I waited for all the splinters to finish falling. "Well, I guess that's one we won't have to pack."

"I _hate_ packing," she said through her teeth. _I hate moving. I hate being like this. Just when I…_ Her thoughts derailed instantly as she forced herself into mentally alphabetizing every item she was slamming into the moving boxes.

Since I hadn't been expressly ordered out of the garage, I kept working. Despite her mood, Rosalie seemed to want me around. But she kept her mind strictly occupied, packing faster and angrier, until I finally just got out of her way and banished myself to the far corner where I could box up our automotive manuals in peace.

She lost it when she got to the socket wrenches. She tore a handful of them off the wall and flung them into the box so hard that they tore right through the cardboard, clattering along the cement floor. She stood frozen, every muscle tense and her mind racing on repeat: _I hate this. I hate this. I hate this._

"Yes, it's a terrible inconvenience, isn't it?" I said scathingly, getting up to leave. I wasn't in the mood to put up with her selfish ramblings, not today. But her mind and expression softened as she finally remembered Nick, and my grief this morning.

 _Oh. I'm sorry, it's just…_ She hissed in a deep breath, forcing herself to start breathing again. "I'm sorry," she said again, turning away and fussing over her collection of spare parts.

I was touched; she hadn't said those words out loud to me in at least a decade. I silently scooped up the wrenches that had fallen near me and placed them back in the broken box. "Just what?" I asked cautiously. I took a roll of twine and began winding it around the box, shoring up the damaged side as I waited for Rosalie's mind to slowly uncurl out of its rigid state.

"It's just that sometimes things can be so normal, for just long enough… that I can forget. I start feeling human, feeling like it's all real…"

"And then something like this happens," I finished, tying off the twine with an angry knot.

"I don't blame Jasper," she said quietly. "I know it's hard for him. I just hate how it feels like we're starting all over with a newborn again. Who knows how often we'll have to do this now?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "But Rosalie, we'll deal with it as it comes. We always have."

"Of course we will. And I don't mind, not really. I'm glad we came back." _Really, I am._

"I'm glad, too."

She smiled then, not at me but down at the coil of wire she was holding. "Emmett was really enjoying college."

I closed the box, looping the twine around it twice before tying the final knot. "Well, that's the beauty of being immortal," I said flatly. "Nothing but time on our hands." I tossed her the box and she laid it on the growing stack beside the door.

_What about you? Are you going to try medical school again?_

"Maybe. Eventually."

"I was thinking..." Instead of saying it, Rosalie imagined herself wearing a white lab coat. I laughed out loud.

"You? _Medical school_? Whatever for?!"

She glared at me. "If _you_ can do it-"

I held up my hands, still laughing. It felt good to laugh. "I'm sorry! I just didn't expect that. Seriously, why?"

She shrugged. "It's just an idea- a new challenge. You seemed to enjoy it." _Helping people... doing something useful for a change._

"I did," I agreed, sobering quickly. "And it really does help Carlisle, to have a medical student in the house. He likes being on the cutting edge, even if he can't publish anything."

She sniffed, flicking her hair back over her shoulder. "And I bet I don't get kicked out, either."

I opened my mouth to snap back at her, but there was a sparkle in her eye. I lifted an eyebrow. "Was that a challenge, dear sister?"

_You got it. First one to an M.D. gets..._

"What?"

She smiled angelically. "Gets to pick something out. Something _fast."_ She held out her hand, just like Emmett and Jasper always did with their bets, and I slapped it, shaking my head in disbelief. Unorthodox woman, indeed.

.

.

.

Carlisle called from work a little after ten o'clock to tell us that we had better accelerate the packing; he wanted to be gone in less than a day. He said he would explain everything when he got home.

We all looked in Alice in question as Esme hung up the phone. "I don't know what he's talking about," she admitted. "I haven't seen anything change, except we're definitely leaving now, and soon."

We sped up the process. Emmett started cramming as much baggage as he could into all the vehicles- finally we had a good use for the monstrosity of a van Esme had bought- and Rosalie switched out all the license plates with some alternates that she always had lying around. We decided to pack and mail most of our valuables to the Denalis in the morning, just in case we would need to be on the road for a while. Esme hadn't been able to find a piano mover who was available this week, and we didn't have a destination yet anyway; it looked like I would have to leave it behind. It really was a shame, though Alice had already made enough money so that I could easily get another one just like it in our new home… wherever that would be.

Carlisle also wanted Esme to hurry in to the hospital and play her part in the alibi. She wasn't gone long; her job was be frantic and "convince" Carlisle that they needed to go to Boston right away because I had sounded so terrible on the phone. They both got back home around 2 a.m., Carlisle with most of his personal belongings from work and Esme with another carload of collapsed boxes.

"How did it go?" I asked as they came in.

"Well, I think," Carlisle said. "We made sure several of my coworkers overheard us deciding to go to Boston- though we left it vague whether we were actually moving or not. I'm supposed to call Ken later in the week and let him know if I'm coming back." _I hate leaving them up in the air like this._

"But we're still definitely leaving, right?" Emmett asked.

Carlisle nodded grimly. "Yes, and I think I've discovered the reason why. I changed all of William's bandages tonight, and there are some bruises forming around his collarbones that are going to raise questions."

I tilted my head. "I thought I broke his collarbone when I slammed him into the tree."

"Possibly. But there are distinct fingerprint bruises that make it quite obvious he was grabbed from behind. I just hope they don't realize that most of the smaller fractures occurred exactly under each of the fingerprints."

Jasper growled slightly, his anger at himself warring with his confusion at why we didn't just remove the evidence, if it was so important to avoid suspicion. But for my sake, he quickly dashed that second thought away. "I'm sorry," he said tightly, to the living room at large. "…again."

"It's not like we haven't dealt with these kinds of things before," Esme reminded him gently. "It'll be all right."

"And it'll get easier," Emmett promised. "I should know." He considered, for a moment, telling Jasper about his accident last year. But Carlisle already looked so defeated that he wisely decided it wasn't the time.

We got back to our packing, moving even faster after four o'clock, when Alice suddenly had another vision of policemen in Carlisle's office... but this time, they were showing him photographs of William's bruises. She still hadn't seen anyone coming to the house, at least. The next morning Esme, Emmett, Rosalie and I all went to different nearby post offices, mailing as many of our valuables as we could reasonably get away with to the Denalis.

My mother's jewelry box was one of the things I had chosen to mail ahead. I had already packed the contents tight with cotton balls and boxed it up twice when I realized I had still hadn't put away the diamond heart. Despite my repeated resolutions to do so, I was still carrying it in my pocket every day. And while it wouldn't have taken long to unpack the jewelry box, I found myself delaying the inevitable yet again. At a time when our family was once again on the move, it was reassuring to have that kind of anchor. _Not that it means anything_ , I told myself firmly.

We decided to leave most of the furniture in the house; depending on how things went, we might have the realtor advertise it as a furnished rental, further cementing the alibi in which we might be returning sometime. I especially liked this part of the plan, since it left open the possibility of retrieving my piano once things calmed down. Since we were either mailing or leaving most of our larger possessions, and had so many vehicles, we ended up not needing a moving van. We already had a couple of small trailers stashed behind the garage from our last move, and these finished the job.

"It's all so complicated," Jasper mused, flipping through the strongbox where we kept our deeds, notes, contacts, blank letterhead from various schools and hospitals, and documents supporting dozens of identities. "Why don't you just start over every time with a clean slate?"

"We do, in many ways," Carlisle answered. "But we own several properties, and for that kind of thing I need to have a continuous identity, at least on paper. And Edward is technically still alive, according to his lawyers, so his estate requires some occasional management. I also have some original artwork and other valuables stashed away here and there, in various storage facilities and under different names. There are a couple of addresses abroad that I write to every time we move, in case certain of our friends wish to contact or visit us. And now we'll need to come up with some strategies to help Alice diversify her investments under multiple identities, so that her growth won't draw too much attention. We'll also have to get-"

"I get the point," Jasper said, smiling for the first time since the accident. _It's ridiculous... but it's fascinating, too._ "When you do find the time to manage all this?"

Carlisle closed the lid to the strongbox, drawing out and pocketing the key. "It's not too much trouble- most of it is just a matter of changing addresses and updating identities every time we move. That's one of the reasons we like to stay in each location as long as possible. And tax season is a bit complicated, but other than that it's not too bad. Although it's getting more difficult. So many documents now are printed on special paper, and there are more background checks and things like that to navigate, what with the advent of the telephone. The smaller the world gets, the harder it is to keep under the radar."

Jasper nodded thoughtfully. "And now with the addition of two more family members and Alice's involvement with the stock market, I assume it's about to get even more complicated."

"Absolutely," Carlisle said with a grin. "Though I prefer to look at it as a challenge. It can be rather enjoyable to construct identities, back stories, things like that."

"And sometimes we even have a little help," I added. "For my application to Dartmouth, I used Garrett and Liam as references and gave them parts to play in my cover story."

"The trouble is that they rarely stay in one place," Carlisle said. "Especially Garrett. The Denalis are always happy to help, though. And now they even have a telephone to answer," he added, turning to me with interest. "That'll come in handy in the future for personal references."

"What about humans?" Jasper asked. "Do you ever have to bribe any officials to look the other way, or provide you with documentation that you need?"

Carlisle shook his head. "I prefer not to involve humans in our subterfuge. I wouldn't want to put anyone's job at risk just for our sake, and even if Edward could verify that a person is genuinely committed to keeping any secrets, we would never be able to really trust them... especially in the long term. We just make do with what we have, and what we can produce ourselves."

"Or what we can steal," I added, raising an eyebrow at Carlisle. He smiled uncomfortably, remembering some of his late-night visits to various schools, hospitals, and government offices when he needed to procure information or special types of paper.

"I can't picture you stealing anything, Carlisle," Jasper said fondly.

"I don't enjoy that part of the process," Carlisle admitted. "Though of course we rarely steal anything of real value. And I try to keep in mind that these little indiscretions are necessary in order for me to help people as a physician, and also in order for my family to have as normal a life as possible."

 _As human a life as possible_ , Jasper corrected mentally. But as he worked the rest of the morning, he kept turning our conversation over in his head. He knew very little about how modern society worked, having been completely isolated from humanity for most of his existence. And even after leaving Maria, he had lived as a nomad, never settling or involving himself with any human institution. He decided he would need to learn more about these kinds of things, so that he and Alice would be less of a burden on the family. _Perhaps I could help eventually,_ I heard him thinking. _There's got to be a more efficient way of doing some of these things—and then Carlisle wouldn't have to get his hands dirty._

We were on the road by noon, trailers and all. Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper were in the Jaguar, Emmett had the van, Carlisle and Esme drove the Ford, and I brought up the rear in the Lincoln. Just to be on the safe side, and since our little caravan was so peculiar, we would be heading straight up into Quebec and driving westward through Canada.

The plan as of right now was to spend some time with the Denalis while we got sorted out, and while Jasper continued to desensitize to human scent and company. Even after his accident, Jasper had agreed to continue with whatever Carlisle prescribed, in order to improve. He felt badly about killing someone I cared about, and regretted that he was inconveniencing the family, but in general I saw no evidence of remorse, or even surprise. He had always expected to slip up again, and though I saw no sign that he wanted to give up or that he regretted joining us, he still seemed to expect that he would never be able to associate freely with humans like we did. And he had no desire to. It was hard enough trying not to think of them as prey; thinking of them as _people_ was apparently still a long way off. He would do whatever Alice and Carlisle asked of him, though, and for now I supposed that was as much as we could expect. Alice was proud of him for breaking away from William after our brief fight; even though he had killed someone else minutes later, she pronounced that moment of resistance as a sign of enormous progress.

I couldn't quite muster the same pride in my brother, especially since I had already twice caught him dwelling on the glorious taste of Nick's blood. Still, I knew that his struggle was far more difficult that any of ours had been. He and Alice were now an inextricable part of my existence, and I loved them dearly. I would do whatever it took to help my new brother adapt, whether it meant going to high school or burying a dozen friends. Because no matter what Rosalie said, our family was the real thing. We might not have heartbeats, or sit down to Sunday dinner, or cry real tears, but our love was human enough. It was _more_ than human. It was built to last forever.

As we approached the Canadian border, I flicked a last glance backward to look at the landscape we were leaving behind. Somewhere, miles behind us now, Nick lay silent in his unmarked grave. I murmured a final apology and turned back around, tuning the radio to see if I could pick up any of the local stations yet; I might as well brush up on my French while I drove. I was ready to leave this part of my life behind and make a new start.

* * *

**Well, that felt kind of ending-y... but you know it's not over yet! Calgary's coming up next :)**


	40. A New Start

**I thought we needed** **a nice relaxing chapter before the last batch of drama begins. Thank you to Aromene for the geography help!**

* * *

We took our time meandering through eastern Canada, visiting a few of Carlisle's favorite places from when he had been up here alone. Once we entered Alberta we picked up Highway 1, which took us straight through Calgary.

The city seemed to be one big construction zone. A massive well of crude oil had been discovered nearby three years ago, and Calgary was booming as a result. It seemed that for every street of houses or shops we passed, two more were being built. Every telephone pole was covered with advertisements of job openings.

"It's so different from before," Carlisle murmured to himself as we passed a brand new elementary school. "Such prosperity! It's amazing how the discovery of a new resource can completely change the fortunes of an entire nation."

I was sitting beside him in the Ford for this portion of the trip. Esme had been itching to drive for the last two hundred miles and was taking a turn driving the Lincoln, with Alice for company. Alice was currently pestering our mother to teach her how to drive. Esme had put her off with the promise that we would have plenty of time for lessons once we were away from civilization again tomorrow. Alice countered with a plea to stop for a while; we were about to drive by an Eaton's department store, huge and bedecked with banners to celebrate its Grand Opening Sale.

"It looks like we'll have a chance to study its prosperity up close," I said hopefully. We had been driving for several days straight and I was ready for a change of pace. "And contribute to it," I added, sharing Alice's vision of Emmett trying to cram a pile of shopping bags into our already-full van.

"What's that?" Carlisle asked distractedly, his eyes catching on another construction site.

"Alice wants to stop and go shopping."

Carlisle smiled, shaking his head. "That's fine with me, although I don't see how we have room for anything else."

I leaned back in my seat lazily. "Don't let Alice hear you say that. She might take it as a challenge."

 _I heard that!_ came a shrill mental voice from behind us.

"Too late," I reported, and Carlisle chuckled.

"I could do with a bit of a break myself," he admitted. "And it would be interesting to explore the city; it was little more than an outpost when I came through here back in the 1850's."

"What about Jasper? He won't want to sit in the car and wait all day."

Carlisle considered that as he pulled into the Eaton's parking lot. Jasper had, ironically, been less of a danger during our travelling, as he was cooped up inside one vehicle or another at all times. The only complication was when we stopped for gas. After Emmett's unfortunate run-in with a gas station attendant back when he was a newborn, we didn't want to take any chances. We simply pulled over two vehicles, one of which Jasper was in, while the other two gassed up. Then those two would circle back, Jasper would switch cars, and then the other two could get gas.

"Why don't you and Emmett take him hunting?"

"Where?" I began to dig through the maps in the glove compartment.

"Well… we're on the western edge of the city now, so we're already in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies. There's a sizeable forest not far out that way, or at least there used to be." He leaned over to look at the map with me. "There it is- _Banff National Park_ ," he read aloud. We both had a laugh as we saw _Jasper National Park_ just to its North.

"We're _definitely_ going hunting," I agreed, studying the roads we would need to take. "I had no idea Calgary was so close to the Rocky Mountains."

"And look," Carlisle said, trailing his finger down into Montana. "We're just a couple hundred miles north of our old hunting grounds in Glacier National Park."

The back of my throat burned as I remembered the excellent hunting in the Rockies. I folded up the map and got out; everyone else had pulled up beside us. Alice and Rosalie were standing together with their mouths open and their eyes wide as they stared at Eaton's. Jasper was still inside the Jaguar, holding his breath since Rosalie was leaning on the open door.

"What is _that_?" Rosalie gasped, pointing to the store, which was disturbingly large. It seemed to go on forever.

"It's a… department store?" I offered blandly.

Alice peeked ahead, her visions bouncing with excitement as she mentally ran through Eaton's and out into some kind of indoor courtyard which led to other, smaller shops. "It's a _mall_ ," she said reverently, puzzling over the new word. She scrambled right over the hood of the Jaguar to go get Esme.

"Alice," Carise murmured. "We're in public." She sighed, dismounting and walking around the front of the van at almost-human speed to reach the Lincoln at the end of the row.

"What's a mall?" Jasper asked, using up his air.

"I don't know," Emmett grumbled, slamming the van's door behind himself as he got out. "But I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Never fear, brother," I said grandly, and snapped open the map with a flourish. "While the ladies go shopping, we're going hunting in the Rocky Mountains. And you know what that means, Em."

Now Emmett's eyes grew wide. "GRIZZLY. Have fun, girls!" He kissed Rosalie goodbye, sliding his hands down her sides until she shivered. He darted back toward us, laughing as she discovered he had fished the keys to the Jaguar out of her pocket.

"Aren't you coming, Carlisle?" I asked as I slid into the driver's seat.

"No, I think I'll play nomad for a while and look around. But if I could convince my lovely wife to meet me out here in a couple hours, I'd like to show her something." Esme smiled and nodded, secretly relieved not to have to shop _all_ day.

 _Would you kindly shut the door?_ Jasper grumbled from the back seat. _I don't enjoy holding my breath indefinitely, you know_.

I pulled it shut, but opened it again immediately, much to Jasper's annoyance. "When should we all meet back here?" I asked the ladies.

Alice closed her eyes, seeing a vision of herself looking at her watch in the dark. "Nine-thirty," she announced.

"That's only in half an hour," Carlisle said, puzzled.

"Nine-thirty p.m.!" Alice laughed. I rolled my eyes and got back in, slamming the door.

"They're going to shop for twelve _hours_?" Jasper said in disbelief.

"Let's get out of here," Emmett growled, his eyes darkening with anticipation. "I have some shopping of my own to do. You, little brother," he added, turning around in his seat and grinning at Jasper, "are about to experience hunting the way it was meant to be!"

.

.

.

My brothers and I spent most of the day in the forest, exploring and hunting and climbing and breathing in the clean, cold mountain air of the Rockies. It was _glorious_.

So when we all met up again that night in the Eaton's parking lot and Carlisle proposed that we make this our new home, I was all for it.

"A new hospital just opened on this side of the city," he said eagerly. "I did some asking around, and they're in sore need of more physicians. And I would have a chance of participating in some of the research here- which I don't usually get to do, being so young."

"Anything with grizzlies nearby is fine by me," Emmett said.

"And anything with a mall is fine by me!" Alice chirped from inside the Jaguar, where she sat with Jasper. "I love it! You get to go shopping _all day_ without having to worry about the sunlight. I never heard of anything like this back in the U.S."

"I'm good," I put in. Esme added her agreement, her eyes sparkling as she took in Carlisle's enthusiasm.

"I don't know," Rosalie said doubtfully, glancing up at the clear night sky. "Is it cloudy enough here?"

"Who cares?" Emmett laughed, pulling her closer. "Grizzlies!"

"I seem to remember it being mostly overcast when I came through here before," Carlisle told her. "And if we keep to this side of the city, nearer the mountains, we should have the occasional mists and fog to help us out." He turned to me. "What was the drive like to the Park this morning, in terms of population?"

"Hardly anything," I reported. "We could easily find a place off the highway in the middle of nowhere; it'd be perfect for Jasper."

"And there's already a forest with my name on it," Jasper said with a smile. "What do you think, Alice? Is that fate?"

"Maybe…" She closed her eyes for a moment, flipping through a new batch of visions until she found Rosalie walking under a sign that said _Calgary Senior High School._ "Yep, we're staying!" she announced. "And it's a good thing, too, because I don't think we have enough room in the cars for everything Rosalie and I bought today!"

.

.

.

Alice's prediction that we were going to high school was, unfortunately, correct. Jasper knew how eager she was to begin going to school with the rest of us, and soon persuaded her that he would be just fine at home with Esme. Carlisle had gotten his coveted research position, but would still be working night as often as he could manage, so he would also be home in the daytime occasionally.

Rosalie was a little disappointed about not going to college this time around, but she also wanted to be there for Alice's first time. And we all agreed that Alice's first time should be high school, not college; less sun, a more predictable schedule, and plenty of opportunity for her siblings to remind her to act human. So for the first time ever, there would be _four_ Cullens enrolling all at once- though not as Cullens. We were all Smiths this time around… just in case Jasper had another accident.

"I guess the Hale twins will have to wait," Rosalie sighed as we all sat together in our new living room, filling out our enrollment paperwork. We had found an old fixer-upper smack in the middle of nowhere, a mere fifteen miles from the Park. It had a two-mile long driveway, and the best part: the brief run to the Park didn't cross any roads or go near any human settlements. Perfect.

"Let the McCarty twins have a turn, then," Alice said, winking up at Emmett.

I snorted. "It's still a dumb idea. Nobody's going to believe that you two are twins."

"I don't know," Carlisle mused, trying various possible combinations out in his head. "Maybe not twins, but how about biological brother and sister, with Emmett being a year older? And I suppose you could use McCarty if you like; we're a long way from Tennessee."

Alice and Emmett shared a high-five. "What about you two?" Emmett asked Rosalie and me.

"I could be Esme's younger brother again," I offered. "That would help break up the-" Esme cut me off, appearing beside me and kissing me on the cheek.

"I think that's a wonderful idea," she said happily, slipping her arm through mine. "Just like old times."

"I'll be Rosalie Smith, adopted at age six as usual," Rosalie decided. "Though I want to be the same grade as Emmett this time."

"I'll start as a freshman with Alice, and you two can be sophomores," I said reluctantly. "That'll give us the longest possible stay."

"Isn't this exciting?!" Alice squealed, filling out her form at lightning speed and dancing through her visions as she wrote. "I've never been to school before!"

"And you won't be there long, if you don't remember to act human," I warned her. "Starting with your writing speed."

"And walking speed," Rosalie added.

"Even I can tell that you talk too fast," Jasper said. "Slow it down a little."

"And do _try_ not to answer people's questions before they ask them," Esme suggested gently.

"And remember to blink sometimes," Carlisle reminded her. "Shift your position now and then, so you don't look like a statue. And it always helps to-"

"Hey, everyone back off!" Emmett ordered, wrapping a huge arm around a pouting Alice. "I can take care of my little sister without you lot barking orders at her."

" _Thank_ you," Alice said indignantly, tossing her head like Rosalie- though it didn't quite have the same effect, since her hair couldn't flip over her shoulder. Emmett squeezed her shoulders hard, thinking how nice it was to finally have a sister in the cover story.

 _This is going to be so awesome_ , he thought, grinning down at her. _Let Operation Prank-the-Little-Sister begin!_

.

.

.

The school, like the town, was under construction to accommodate the surge in population. There were two other sets of siblings that were new to the school the same week we started, and a good thing, too; with all the construction going on, a few of our classes were out in trailers and the sun seem determined to ruin our first day.

Alice and I were late to our first class, which was English. The teacher gave us a sharp look as we slipped into two of the empty seats, trying not to draw attention. Which was impossible, because Alice had dressed up for her first day in something called a poodle skirt, which she insisted everyone else would be wearing. But her visions must have been skipping ahead, because nobody else was wearing one. All the girls near Alice's seat immediately began whispering behind their hands about the strange new girl and her outlandish skirt. I didn't particularly mind; at least it kept their attention off of me.

"Slouch a little," I whispered behind my own hand. Alice was looking a little too enthusiastic, especially for first period. She carefully bent forward over her desk, arranging her posture and hands to match those of the students near her. The other girls continued to gossip about her, but that only fueled her excitement; if she had missed the mark in terms of fitting in, well, then she would just have to set a new trend for high school fashion. I made a note to lecture her later about the need to not draw the attention of our peers, but she was right; by the time the first hour was over, several of the girls had decided to try and find a skirt just like Alice McCarty's. At least she had taken Esme's advice and used some of my pomade to smooth down her hair into a respectable arrangement.

As the bell rang to end the period, the teacher shouted over its clamor. "One more thing, class! Here's a new book for you all to begin reading tonight. I think you'll all enjoy this one."

" _Romeo and Juliet_ ," Alice read aloud, flipping to read the summary on the back. "Ooh, a romance! Have you read this one before, Edward?"

"Only six times," I sighed, staring morosely at the book in my hands. I had agreed to go to high school for Alice's sake, but I was just beginning to remember why I hated it. Earlier this year, I had been a prestigious medical student. Now I was fifteen again, with half-grown girls batting their eyelashes at me and having to ask permission to use the restroom. Not that I needed to, but still. And was it really necessary for every high school English class in the entire North American continent to read _Romeo and Juliet_?

On the other hand, there was something rather nice about being a carefree adolescent again. Our stay in New England had brought some pleasant memories- my first try at medical school, and the addition of Alice and Jasper into our family- but also some painful ones. As I had told Rosalie, this was the beauty of being immortal: every few years, we were given a chance to make a new start... to move on.

.

.

.

We met up with Rosalie and Emmett at lunch. Rosalie was enjoying her usual initial fame, leaving a line of gaping boys everywhere she walked. Emmett enjoyed the attention she was getting almost as much as she did; he was determined not to touch her for at least a week so the other boys would think they had a chance.

"That's just wrong, Emmett," I whispered from my spot in line behind him. "Kiss her and put them out of their misery."

"No, it's more fun this way!" he insisted. "And this way, I get babes staring at me too. Don't tell me you don't enjoy that at least a _little_."

"That's easy for you to say," I muttered. "You don't have to hear their thoughts. Do you have any idea what sixteen-year-old girls are capable of thinking these days?"

"So pretend you're going steady with Alice."

I snorted, grabbing a tray. "Somehow, I don't think Jasper would appreciate that."

He shrugged. "Whatever. Oh! Here she comes. Hey, sis, over here!" Alice scampered over to join us in line, barely keeping to human speed.

"Hi, everyone! I was just exploring one of the restrooms. Did you know they have mirrors that are five feet wide?!"

 _Haha! Watch this, Eddie…_ "All right, let big brother show you how it's done," he said grandly, handing her a tray. He dropped his voice to a dramatic whisper. "Now, the trick is to find the food that has the blandest scent- that way it doesn't taste so bad."

Alice grimaced, surveying the putrid choices in front of her. "But I thought… I didn't know you really ate it."

"Not in college," he said wistfully. "But in high school, they notice if you don't. I mean, a few bites is usually enough…" _Come on, Edward, back me up!_

I rolled my eyes, but played along. I was her brother too, after all, and this was our only chance to pull one over on her. "Bread is good," I added, selecting a roll and slapping one on each of our trays. "Nice and dry. Don't let them give you any butter. Vegetables are a good choice, too. Very natural."

"No!" Emmett whispered excitedly. "Meat. It tastes the closest to blood. Trust me." Alice reluctantly held her tray out, her nose wrinkling as the lunch lady plopped a serving of some wretched meat dish on her plate. "Alright, now you have to get dessert," Emmett instructed. "It's standard high school procedure to leave most of the real food and eat all the dessert." Alice frowned again, daintily reaching for a danish. "No!" Emmett sighed, shoving her hand away. "You're a girl. Girls eat chocolate." He grabbed a dish overflowing with chocolate mousse and put it on her tray. "And milk. Also relatively painless to get down- I mean, we drink animals' bodily fluids all the time, right?"

"But-"

"That's good," he pronounced, paying for all of us. We made our way to an empty table and were soon joined by Rosalie.

She frowned, looking at Alice's loaded tray. "What-" Emmett made a cutting motion, and she sat down, rolling her eyes. Emmett began fiddling with his lunch, waiting to see what Alice would take a bite of first. She finally scooped her fork into the meat mixture, which was hilarious already because she was holding the fork wrong. She raised the foul stuff toward her mouth, but promptly had a vision of Emmett roaring in laughter as she made a horrid face.

"Emmett McCarty!" she hissed, lowered the fork back to her plate. She finally noticed that the rest of us had made different selections, and gave her brother an accusing look. He sighed in disappointment.

"Can't blame me for trying," he grumbled, lifting his unopened pint of milk to his lips.

We spent the rest of the lunch teaching Alice all of our strategies for pretend-eating, and for making the food look like we had eaten a good half of it. She did try a tiny bite of mousse out of curiosity, and just to be a good sport, Emmett tried one too.

"Not as bad as I thought," he admitted, gouging a bigger spoonful out of the mousse and burying it in the depths of his salad. "Now. It's tradition for new students to stand up and introduce themselves to everyone during lunch- it's the only time we're all together. The girls usually do it, though… "

Alice looked around the lunchroom eagerly, wondering what some of her new peers were like. She pushed back her chair to stand up, but then had a vision of a crowd of students staring at her in confusion. She scooted her chair back toward the table, glaring at Emmett.

"Man…" _Stupid visions. I'll get her yet._

"Good luck with that, Emmett," I laughed, leaning back and tossing my napkin over my mangled food.

"All right, seriously," Rosalie murmured to me behind a chewing motion. "Any problems?"

I shook my head. "All clear."

"And how are you doing, Alice?" she asked, touching her throat discreetly.

"Fine," Alice chirped.

"Good. I'd like to stay here for a while, if everyone can behave themselves." She shot Emmett a threatening look.

"I don't know what you mean," he said innocently as he stood up to throw away his uneaten lunch. "Come on, Alice, we have a few minutes before the next period. I'll give you a tour of the bowling alley in the basement."

.

.

.

As soon as we got home, Alice ran in search of Jasper to tell him all about her day, and Rosalie and Emmett slipped into the woods for some private time. Seven hours with no physical contact had nearly killed them.

I found Esme crouched down in the back yard, unmoving. What could she possibly be hunting this close to the house?

"What are you doing?" I asked, tossing my books down onto the deck.

"Oh, _Edward!"_ she sighed. She stood up in frustration, camera in hand. A huge butterfly drifted upwards, fluttering in frantic escape. _It took me all afternoon to get that close! I need a zoom lens…_

"Sorry."

"Oh, well. How was your first day at school?"

I shrugged. "The usual. Alice enjoyed herself, though. You should have seen Emmett trying to trick her into eating food at lunchtime."

She smiled, snapping the lens cap back on. "I'm guessing her visions ruined the prank?"

"You got it. He's determined, though."

"And how did Alice do, with being human?"

"She did pretty well- we only had to remind her to slow down a couple times. And she was trying to get a little too friendly with some of the girls in our history class, but I reminded her not to get involved."

Esme frowned slightly, thinking of Nick. His example was the very one I had given Alice earlier today, and she had reluctantly agreed to keep her distance. It was a shame, though; out of all of us, Alice was really the only one who wanted to befriend the humans.

_I'm so sorry about your friend, Edward._

"Thanks. I'm glad, in a way, that we moved on. But when did you get interested in photography?"

"Today," she announced brightly. "I wanted to use up the rest of this roll so I could send it to Kate for the wedding pictures to be developed. Then I figured I might as well see if there was anything interesting outside to take a picture of…" Her mind flipped through the images she had already captured earlier in the day.

"I don't see why you can't learn to develop them yourself."

"That's a good idea. Maybe I could take a class or two… though I should probably wait until Jasper can go to school with the rest of you."

I raised an eyebrow. "You, taking classes?"

"Why not?"

"Why not?" I echoed, grinning down at her proudly. It seemed I wasn't the only one moving on. I went on into the house to do some more unpacking, leaving Esme and her camera to their work.

* * *

**Important note: If you haven't yet read the "1949: Glory Days" outtake, now's the time! *excited***


	41. Unwelcome

**Surprise, an early chapter! It was just so exciting I couldn't wait!**

* * *

I surprised Esme the next day with a beginner's book on photography and fifteen more rolls of film. She spent the next seventy-two hours straight reading and practicing. We were all enjoying our new home, especially the huge hunting ranges, natural beauty, and sparse human population. Emmett was as happy as a clam with his grizzly bears, and Carlisle was throwing himself into his research position with such gusto that Esme sometimes had to call and remind him to come home and "sleep". I wasn't enjoying high school per se, but it was nice seeing it all for the first time through Alice's eager eyes. And it helped that I was still working on my Japanese correspondence course; I simply kept it in my knapsack and worked on it when the teachers weren't looking. Jasper was still doing his best in his own "coursework"; his accident had shaken everyone's confidence in his fledgling control, but he still dutifully did everything Carlisle asked of him. He and Alice were planning to have a mini-honeymoon up in Jasper National Park during the next sunny stretch. Things were looking up.

But it was less than a month later that it happened.

Alice and I were in first period, having our own private conversation while the class read the third act of _Romeo and Juliet_ aloud. I was still fine-tuning my ability to have a silent conversation with my new sister; planning to say something, and really _deciding_ to say it, when you knew you weren't really going to say it, was more difficult than it seemed. So I was mostly muttering under my breath when nobody was looking. Fortunately, Alice did enough talking for the both of us.

_All I'm asking is that you let me pick out your clothes for weekdays. You can wear whatever horrific combinations you want on the weekends, I promise. But HONESTLY, Edward, you talk about us needing to fit in and then you wear brown corduroys with a necktie. You might as well stand on the roof and shout "I'm secretly forty-nine years old and I've never learned to match my clothes!"_

"Look who's talking," I murmured behind my book. "You wore a style years ahead of when it was supposed to be normal."

_Look around! There are three poodle skirts in this very room!_

"Only because you drew attention to yourself."

_I can't help it if people-_

Alice's book fell to the floor as the vision hit. She gasped aloud, frozen solid as we saw a picture of a male vampire rushing, teeth bared, at Esme in our backyard. I leapt to my feet, staring down at my sister in horror. But before the humans could even blink, the vision grew worse: another picture of Esme fighting the vampire, and then a _moving_ picture of her on the ground, still struggling helplessly as he got his teeth on her throat. Another pair of feet stood nearby. The vision flashed again, and we saw Jasper, dirt on his face and snarling in rage, held fast between another male and a female. The male had a fresh bite mark on his neck. The female was far smaller, her hair long and black...

_Maria!_

Alice opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out- she just sat frozen, her mouth open and her eyes staring at nothing in shock. I nearly screamed myself, but the humans around us were beginning to turn in their chairs to see what was wrong.

"What on earth…!" the teacher exclaimed. I thrust my hands into my hair, torn between the need to shake Alice and demand she tell me what was going on, and the need to salvage the situation. No, not salvage… we needed to get out of here, _now._

"Alice!" I hissed, struggling to keep my teeth hidden. I strode over and grasped her shoulders, waiting for her to snap out of it- but she didn't. She was deep in her visions now, an image of Maria and the two strangers pulling Jasper into the woods flashing like a strobe. I shook her shoulders gently. "Alice. Alice!"

The teacher began to walk toward us, wondering if Alice was ill. I panicked for just a second, then grabbed Alice's knapsack off the back of her chair. I tore it open, making a quick show of rummaging through its contents. "I _told_ you to bring your medicine!" I scolded her, though it came out a bit too much like a snarl. I slung both our knapsacks over my shoulder and pulled her out of her chair, scooping one arm under her knees to carry her.

"She'll be all right," I told the teacher quickly. "But I need to get her home immediately. She has these seizures sometimes..."

The teacher followed me out the door into the hallway, wringing her hands. "I'll call the nurse down!"

"No!" I protested, turning halfway back to face her. "She left her medicine at home." I scrambled for the rest of my explanation- I needed to get the teacher back in the room so I could escape. "Could you have the office call my brother, Emmett, out of class, so he can drive us home? And… and have them call my mother at home. Tell her to wait for us there, and get Alice's medicine ready. And have them tell her…" I tried to think of some way to warn Esme about Maria, but I couldn't come up with anything. At least the phone call would alert her that something was wrong. Of all the times for Carlisle to be working the damned day shift! "Thanks," I mumbled, walking on.

The teacher dashed back into the classroom, and I dashed out the back exit. Alice was still limp in my arms- about as limp as a concrete statue still in the seated position. I could barely squeeze us out the door. I circled back around to the window of Rosalie's and Emmett's chemistry classroom. It would take the main office at least an entire _minute_ to figure out what class they were in. I shifted Alice into just my right arm and tapped lightly on the glass with my left hand. Rosalie casually looked over to see what had made the noise.

"Emmett!" she hissed, pointing toward us. When they realized Alice was catatonic in my arms, they both jumped to their feet and ran right out the door, leaving their teacher to stare at the door in consternation.

"What happened to her?!" Rosalie demanded as they circled around the building to meet me. I was already rushing toward the Jaguar at human speed.

"Visions, bad ones," I said flatly as I shoved Alice into the back seat. I stood back up to face them. "Maria- and at least two others- are coming to the house. They attacked- _will_ attack- Esme and take Jasper."

"When?" Emmett growled, sliding into the passenger seat. I slammed the back door.

"I don't know… but one of the pictures was moving, and the quality of one of the images-"

"WHEN!?" Rosalie shouted, grabbing my arm.

"I don't _know_ ," I hissed back, shoving her hand off. "Try and get Alice to snap out of it, she can tell better than me. But today, definitely today. Get going!"

Rosalie started the engine, her eyes wide and fearful. "Get in!"

I shook my head, already backing away and looking around to make sure no humans were watching me. "I'm running. I'll meet you there." I took off at full speed, barely hearing Rosalie's reply.

_Be safe…!_

.

.

.

I didn't dare slow down, not for anything. I shot through the woods in a direct line to our house, terrified what I would find if I was too late. What if they were already here?! I stretched out with my gift as I ran, anxiously scanning the forest for any hint of a thought. Nothing. I finally latched onto Esme's mind and nearly wept with relief; she was fine. She and Jasper were in the living room, watching out the picture window as they waited for us.

I tore open the front door. Jasper was in my face in an instant.

"Alice?!"

"She's fine," I assured him quickly, then turned to Esme. "The others are driving home. Is Carlisle on his way too?"

"Yes, I called him right away. What is it, Edward?"

I ran my hand back through my hair, turning back to Jasper. "Maria, she's coming. I think it's today."

Jasper flinched as if I had hit him. "Maria, here?" _How…?!_ He took a deep, tremulous breath. "Alone?"

I shook my head. "No, there were at least two others with her, male. One of them was fighting Esme in the vision, and then all three of them were dragging you into the woods. _"_

A muscle twitched over Jasper's jaw. "Tell me everything."

After I finished explaining the visions, he ran through a mental slideshow of all the male vampires he had ever known that might still be alive. None of them matched up with the vampires in the vision. By the time we finished this, the others were pulling up. At least Alice was functioning again; that was a good sign. She sped into the house and propelled herself straight into Jasper's arms, sobbing.

"Well?" Emmett grunted, coming in right after her. "Where's the party?"

Alice struggled to turn her face against Jasper's iron grip so she could speak. "It's less certain, now that more of us are here. I don't see a fight anymore… they're still here, just… talking, I think… and then they don't come at all…" She squirmed against Jasper again, looking up at him with fury in her eyes. "And then I see you facing all three of them alone. What is _that_ about?!"

He shook his head minutely. "When are they coming?"

"Definitely today, long before sunset. It could be one hour, it could be four." She bit her lip. I squinted at her visions as they blinked in and out in random sequence, trying to see if I could divine the time based on the sun or anyone wearing a watch.

"Slow it down, Alice," I ordered. "I can't keep up. And what if you..." My head snapped to the left as I heard a new mind entering my extended range. "Carlisle," I announced in relief a moment later. Everyone breathed again.

We all waited in silence as Carlisle came up the driveway at breakneck speed, slamming on the brakes just in time to prevent hitting the garage door. He was standing beside Esme a quarter of a second later, looking at Jasper's eyes and expecting them to be bright red again. "What's happened?"

"Maria," Jasper said coldly. "She's coming here, today."

"Maria? What's she doing all the way up here?"

"I have no idea. She's never done anything like this before."

"A new territory?" I wondered aloud. "Starting over in a place with no competition?"

Jasper shook his head. "No. Her driving force has always been her vendetta against the Arizona coven." He hesitated, picturing a detailed map of the western half of North America. "I suppose she could be trying to come at them from the North, gathering strength as she moves… no, I don't think that's it."

"Alice saw them attacking Esme," Rosalie said. "And then taking Jasper into the woods." A low growl sounded from Carlisle's throat. "I think _Jasper_ is the reason she's here."

Jasper shook his head. "If that were true, why is she even looking for me up here?"

"A tracker," Emmett suggested.

Jasper mentally ran through the list of his acquaintances- or rather, enemies- again, but this time at lightning speed. "I don't see who it would be, that I've met before."

"It could be somebody new," Carlisle said. "I know of at least one tracker who can find people using only their acquaintances. And another whose gift is more nebulous; he just ends up where he needs to be."

"Regardless, she's here," Rosalie snapped. "What are we going to do?"

"We leave now, this minute," Alice pleaded. " _All_ of us," she added, giving Jasper a sharp look.

Carlisle shook his head. "If there's a tracker involved, and he's got a hold of Jasper somehow, it won't matter where we go. It might not even help to use the cars. Some trackers don't even use scent."

"We have Alice now," Esme pointed out. "Try deciding to move, today. We'll go to Alaska."

Carlisle made the decision easily. The visions disappeared, and Alice let out a sigh of relief. "It's gone, all of it."

"Not good enough," Jasper said roughly. "That just means they don't find us _today_. Look further ahead."

Alice tried, but as usual the future smeared and faded to white as she reached too far. "I don't see it happening again," she said uncertainly.

"You're hardly seeing _anything_ ," I corrected, turning to Carlisle. "If Maria is so determined to get Jasper back that she's come all the way up here, she's not going to give up- tracker or not. She'll only become _more_ determined, once she finds Jasper's scent here and realizes how close she was. We need to take care of this here and now."

"Agreed," Jasper said grimly. _Permanently._ He clenched his jaw, turning to Carlisle. "Take everyone into the city. Wait until morning, and then call the house-"

"Now just a damn _minute_!" Alice shrieked, elbowing Jasper in the ribs so that he released her. "If you think I'm going to sit around in the middle of Calgary and wait for my husband to get himself _killed-"_

"-then call the house," Jasper continued, ignoring Alice, and Esme and Emmett as they began to protest, as well. "Try a second time an hour later if I don't answer. If you still don't get an answer, leave immediately, heading East." He finally looked back down at Alice. "She didn't come up here to kill me," he promised her softly. "That'll put them at a disadvantage."

Alice bared her teeth, her eyes darkening even further. "Were you even listening earlier?! You've _already lost_ \- and that was when you had Esme fighting alongside you!"

"I will _not_ put you in danger!" he shouted back, growing angry himself. "I don't care _what_ you think you saw!" I could practically see the emotional cascade building up between the two of them; his gift was going crazy.

"I saw the vision too," I insisted. "And for all we know, there could be _more_ than three."

Jasper backed away from all of us, his eyes squinting shut as he struggled to contain his anger. "I'm faster than her," he said, opening his eyes. "I'll lead them away."

"For how long?" Rosalie said sharply. "Forever? Edward's right. We need to deal with this here and now. _All_ of us." There were murmurs of assent all around.

Jasper stared at the floor, breathing deeply as he weighed more alternatives. Then he looked at Carlisle, his eyes pleading. "Edward and Emmett. And Rosalie." Alice shrieked again, but the sound was muffled by her clenched teeth and lips.

"Jasper," Carlisle said quietly, gesturing toward the dining room table. "Have a seat."

" _No_. This is no time to play human, Carlisle!"

Carlisle considered insisting for a moment, but let it go. "Human or not, we are your family now. It's times like this when that bond is strongest, and most necessary. We will all face this _together_."

"Yes," Jasper said, his voice hard but controlled as he glanced meaningfully at Esme. "You are my family now, and I… I'm grateful for your loyalty. But as of right now, Maria doesn't know about any of you. I love every one of you far too much to change that. And I do _not_ want Alice anywhere near this."

"That isn't your choice to make." We all turned, surprised to hear the edge in Esme's voice. "It's hers. And this has do with more than loyalty. We love _you_ far too much to do anything other than stand with you. So for heaven's sake, let's stop wasting time and decide what we're going to do!" Carlisle wrapped an arm around her shoulders, staring Jasper in the eye and nodding firmly.

Jasper stood immobile for a moment, staring back at him and testing his resolve. Then he darted up to his and Alice's room, reappearing with a small paper sack. He emptied its contents on the dining room table: seven cigarette lighters, rattling as they tumbled across the polished wood. "Is this your choice?" he asked Carlisle darkly. "How far are you willing to go?"

Carlisle hesitated for only a fraction of a second before picking up the nearest lighter and slipping it into his pocket. "I am ready to kill to protect my family," he said. " _If_ it becomes necessary. If there are only three, our show of force may be enough to discourage her from ever bothering you again."

Esme picked up the next one. "I'll kill her myself," she told Jasper. " _If_ it becomes necessary," she added, looking up at Carlisle. He gave her a sad smile, squeezing her shoulder. The rest of us followed silently until Jasper took the last one, moving in slow motion to put it in his pocket. He looked at each of us in turn, letting us feel his gratitude.

"Thank you," he said aloud. He drew Alice close and laid his forehead on hers. _I've hurt her._ "I'm sorry," he whispered, wrapping her in his arms again, and in some secret emotion. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. He fingered her hair and held her tighter, his face twisting like he was going to cry even as he held on to her kiss. _Please, please be safe! I will do anything._ Emmett's and Rosalie's fingers tangled together and they shared a look that was both tender and fierce. Jasper stood back up and turned to Carlisle and Esme, who were pressed together as well. "I'm sorry," he said again, lowering his red eyes.

"For what?" Carlisle asked.

"For… everything. You've all been nothing but kind ever since we arrived, and I've brought nothing but trouble. Thankfully Alice was able to avert some of it… but the blood challenge. Needing to always stay at home, or be guarded when I'm out… the trouble with the police when we were out with the van. Hurting Edward, killing his friend, and having to up and move so quickly… and now this. I feel I should offer to leave, when all this is over…" He smiled down at Alice. "but I can't. Alice has never been so happy, and I find the thought of being anywhere but here, with you all, to be painful. This will be my home forever. But I swear to you, Carlisle, it won't always be like this. I'll keep trying. I won't always be a liability."

Carlisle stepped forward, reaching up to lay a hand on Jasper's shoulder. It was the first time they had touched since Jasper attacked him during the blood challenge. "You are _not_ a liability, Jasper. You are my son."

.

.

.

The first plan was to make our stand right in front of the house. But this erased Alice's vision of us talking with Maria at all, possibly because she would pick up all seven of our scents and decide to try a different plan. We moved a couple miles to the west instead, deeper into the thickening trees that led into Banff National Park. Only Emmett, Jasper and I had yet gone this far afield to hunt, so only our scents would lead to our current position. This made the meeting reappear, and Jasper pointed out another advantage: Maria was not used to fighting in a forested area.

If all went well, there would be no fight. Alice still saw no more than three standing near us, and Jasper was confident Maria would not choose to engage with those odds. The trouble was that Alice couldn't seek out Maria's future in particular- another reason it was crucial that the meeting take place. And we didn't _know_ there weren't more than three. At least we were sure the two males were not newborns; that much was clear from the visions. But Alice had little more than a scant collection of pictures, of us standing in a tight line and the others standing in a loose triangle in front of us, and those kept shifting. The meeting was quickly approaching; we had been waiting in the woods less than an hour when the visions began to shimmer with urgency.

Jasper spoke at lightning speed as we waited, reminding us of all the key points from his training several months ago. Carlisle had made it clear that if it did come to a fight, Jasper would be in charge; but that we were _not_ to initiate any hostilities unless he and Jasper both agreed it was necessary. Alice certainly wasn't seeing any evidence of a fight now.

Jasper finally ran out of instructions, his voice tapering off to the relative silence of my family's minds. I had my gift stretched to the limit, my hand clenched around the lighter in my pocket. It was awful to think that it might really come to a fight; I had no wish to kill one of my own kind. But like Carlisle, I was ready if it became necessary. Emmett was practically hyperventilating, he was so worked up, and Rosalie was a fierce statue of readiness beside him. Jasper was vacillating between hoping there would be a fight, so he would have no choice but to kill Maria, and hoping there wouldn't be one, so that everyone would be safe. He was sure that if Maria _did_ choose to fight, she would have a fire going immediately.

"Soon," Alice announced, her voice too high with anxiety. "Minutes now."

"Carlisle," Jasper said suddenly. "I'll be doing what I can to keep everyone calm. But if things start to go badly, I want to start adding some other emotions to the mix." His voice was hard, half seeking permission and half daring his leader to object. Carlisle simply nodded, not taking his eyes off the forest ahead.

I closed my eyes, straining to listen as far as I could. I soon felt, more than heard, a quiet hum off to the northwest. But I waited; it could be a hunter or Park Ranger. The lighter began to creak in protest as my hand clenched it harder. I forced my fingers to uncurl and grasp the diamond heart instead, which was in the same pocket. The mental hum grew louder, and quickly; whoever it was, they were coming on fast. Too fast to be human.

_… east… him. I've been…_

I opened my eyes, turning to the others. "They're here."


	42. Visitors

As soon as I spoke, everyone else moved closer to their mate. Jasper had already been standing slightly forward of the rest of us, and when Alice glued herself to his arm he frowned down at her, looking sick. _This isn't going to work._ His mind raced for a moment, and suddenly he was right in front of me, pulling off his wedding ring and jamming it onto my left hand.

"Jasper!" Alice hissed as he pushed her into my arms. I gripped her shoulders, holding her fast; I could see where he was heading with this.

Jasper held his hands up in defense as he walked backward to his original position. "Please, Alice," he sighed. "Just allow me this one thing. If Maria finds out what you mean to me, you'll become her primary target. And I won't be able to concentrate if I feel that you're in danger." _More danger than you already are. Please… just understand!_

Alice struggled against my grip, growling behind her clenched teeth and looking to Carlisle and Esme for help. But Esme nodded. "Jasper's right, dear. He'll be the one that Maria is focused on, and he'll also be working with his gift. The best way you can defend him is to help him be at ease."

Alice jerked against my hands one final time. "Fine," she grumbled. _You can let go now,_ _you traitor!_ she thought angrily. I released her.

"One final thing," Carlisle said quietly. "I don't want her knowing the specifics about Alice's and Edward's gifts, but I _do_ want to make it clear that we have ways of knowing things. It should make her less likely to try anything in the future."

Jasper glanced at Carlisle over his shoulder. "That's a good idea," he admitted. "And Alice…"

"Let me guess. You don't want her knowing that I'm one of the gifted ones."

He gave her a weak smile. "That's right."

Alice's jaw worked as she planned the best way to snap back at him, but Esme caught her eye again, shaking her head slightly. She sighed delicately, shifting her gaze back into the trees ahead. _I wish I could see them!_

"Soon," I murmured. I could hear all three minds now. One of the males was thinking in Spanish, but that was all right; I was mostly fluent. Maria was flicking back and forth between the two constantly.

"How many?" Jasper asked, noticing my concentration.

"Still just three. I don't think there are any others."

"Tell us everything you hear, Edward," Carlisle suggested. "That way we'll appear to know a lot without singling out you or Alice."

I tilted my head, listening intently. "One of the males is called Carlos… I think he's the bigger one. Something about a year being wasted, not enough blood on the run… The other male is angry because Maria let Carlos live. I'm seeing a lot of maps in Maria's head, mostly Canada, I think… wait, they're slowing down now because they've caught Emmett's scent and mine, as well as Jasper's. They've stopped running."

Alice frowned as the future began to shift. "I'm losing them."

Jasper hissed an oath, moving forward a few steps and squinting through the trees as if he was trying to see through them. He now saw the value in having Alice meet Maria; she would be able to see Maria's future from here on out. _Come on!_

"Stay with us, Jasper," Carlisle said quietly . An impatient growl rumbled in Jasper's throat, but he retreated.

Alice and I started breathing again at the same time. "No, it's all right," I said quickly. "They're moving again, but she's…" I listened to Maria's lightning-speed instructions for a moment. "We were right; Jasper is the reason she's up here. They were planning on taking you by force if you couldn't be convinced, but now she's telling them not to attack unless she gives a signal." I smiled grimly at my brother, who had turned to watch us impatiently. "She's going to pretend to have already been here, and act surprised to see you here."

"Liar, liar…" Emmett muttered under his breath. He began cracking his knuckles slowly, one by one.

"Emmett," Carlisle warned.

"I know, I know, don't attack unless you and Jasper give the go ahead." He cracked another knuckle, his lips twitching back over his teeth in anticipation.

I continued my narration. "The other male's name is Paul. Maria is wondering whether Jasper has formed another coven, or if perhaps the scents were laid down at different times. Something about Arizona, and having Jasper kill Paul…" I went on, speaking more softly as our visitors approached. Finally we saw movement in the trees ahead.

Jasper looked back at Alice and me one last time. He gave her a nod of encouragement- or maybe it was some kind of promise- and then shifted his eyes up to mine. _Keep her safe. Nothing else matters._ I nodded and he turned to face forward again, erasing all emotion from his features. I noticed that the other couples were still touching. I slipped my fingers through Alice's.

Carlos came into view first, followed immediately by Maria and Paul. Now in close range, I pierced their minds with everything I had, trying to determine if one of them was a tracker. Carlos seemed to have some extra flicker in his mind- some kind of vague gift, though I couldn't tell what it was. All three were on edge as they realized our true numbers, but Maria looked as relaxed as Jasper did. In fact, her thought process was quite similar to his as well- quickly forming and discarding strategies to meet several possible outcomes. She scanned us all quickly, trying to guess who the leader was. She wasn't fooled by Jasper's position in front of the rest of us.

"Hello, Maria," he said calmly as she approached. Alice tensed, aching to go to Jasper's side. I gripped her hand a bit harder.

"Jasper," Maria said, smiling serenely. She was even more beautiful in person, and smaller than I had assumed. Her voice was angelic, her features perfect and delicate; If I didn't know better, I would have thought she looked harmless… helpless. Paul was another story: tall and muscular and wearing a few scars like Jasper's. Carlos was even bigger, about Emmett's size, and made no effort to hide his ferocity. He wasn't even wearing a shirt; his intimidating build seemed ridiculously at odds with the sun-sparkle that danced across his bare chest. He picked Emmett out as his intended target, baring his teeth at him silently.

"Hey, Carlos," Emmett said casually. I spared him a glance, impressed to find that he had also dropped all appearance of hostility.

Maria did a mental double-take; she was beginning to realize our eye color as she grew nearer. _What's wrong with them?_ _And someone else is gifted, besides Jasper,_ she thought when Emmett spoke. _But who?_

Jasper lifted his chin slightly. "You're a long way from home. Things going that badly?"

Maria's red eyes darkened in anger, though she gave no other sign. Jasper's gift was active now, though I couldn't tell what he was sending her. "I've taken time off before." Her angelic voice was already gone, replaced by the sharp, commanding tone I had heard before in Jasper's memories. "The question is, what are _you_ doing up here? And don't try to tell me you created them all, because we both know you're not capable of that."

Carlisle finally stepped forward, releasing Esme and moving to stand beside Jasper. "This is Carlisle," Jasper said, keeping eye contact with Maria. "Carlisle, this is Maria, the vampire who created me." He apparently wasn't planning on introducing the rest of us.

Maria studied Carlisle for a moment, deciding that he was indeed in charge. She moved forward another step, motioning for the two males to stay put. _I wonder if he's the gifted one?_ I itched to answer her, but didn't.

"Welcome," Carlisle said smoothly. When Maria made no move to answer, he gestured behind him. "This is my wife, Esme. Rosalie and Emmett, and Edward and Alice."

Maria looked again at each of us in turn, weighing our probable strengths and weaknesses in her mind. I could practically feel Alice vibrating beside me as she struggled to keep her face impassive. Maria returned her eyes to Carlisle. "And what is your territory, Carlisle?" she asked politely. "I wouldn't want to cause offense."

"You can stop pretending," Alice hissed. "We know the real reason you're here." I tugged on her hand, silently imploring her to keep quiet.

"We have no permanent settlement," Carlisle said vaguely. "And thus lay no claim to territory, as you are accustomed to. This is because we do not feed on human blood."

Maria laughed. "And what do you drink instead? Animal blood?"

"Yes."

Paul and Carlos finally stirred in their shock. But Maria, to my surprise, recalled drinking the blood of a coyote.

" _You've_ fed on animals?" I asked before I could stop myself. Maria's eyes cut right to mine.

"What?!" Jasper hissed, taking a step forward.

"Of course," Maria said, smiling in triumph at Jasper's obvious anger. "And I experimented with it in the past for my creations, in times when hunting was difficult. I've even tried it myself. But that was before your time."

"You might have mentioned there was another way," Jasper said through his teeth, "all those times you saw me suffering! Considering the pack of _lies_ you fed me..."

"It's a poor substitute," Maria said dismissively. "We certainly never did it for very long. It made the newborns weaker, less effective in battle. I wasn't aware there were other side effects," she added, looking again in disgust at Carlisle's golden eyes.

"It is true that feeding on animals makes our eyes this color," Carlisle said. "But I'm afraid you are quite mistaken about it being a poor substitute. I have fed exclusively on animals for two hundred and eighty-seven years, and taught my creations to do the same. The lighter eye color and steadier emotional state allow us to live alongside humans, and enjoy as normal as life as possible. I work as a physician at our local hospital, and the younger ones are able to attend school. We simply move and make a new start before our lack of aging is noticed."

Paul and Carlos stared at all of us again, finally noticing our shoes, unfrayed clothes and good hygiene. There was something that seemed like envy in Paul's mind, but it was interrupted when Maria choked back a laugh, smirking at Jasper's red-orange eyes. "Your newest acquisition doesn't appear to be very good at your yellow-eyed way of life, Carlisle."

"I'm learning," Jasper muttered.

"And _this_ is the life you have chosen, over the one I made for you?" she demanded, her smile dissipating. "A homeless wanderer, spitting out fur and starved for real blood? Newest and lowest in the perverse coven you've attached yourself to, and playing with _humans_ your greatest goal? You were made to be more than that! You were made to command the most terrifying force ever to-"

"-rule the bloodfields of a land stretching from ocean to ocean, yes," Jasper recited. "I remember. Curious, though… I also seem to remember you telling me that the Wars covered the earth. That every vampire in existence was a member of one army or another. That there was no freedom to be had apart from _you_ and your worn-out vendetta, and that violence was the only way!"

"You needed guidance," Maria spat. "You wouldn't have lasted a _week_ without me, if one of the others had found you. I taught you to survive!"

"What you _taught_ me was to wallow in blood and kill everything in my path! You watched me suffer every time I fed, when _you knew the entire time that there was another way_! You taught me to be a mindless weapon in your hand, to serve you like a blind fool!"

"Because you _were_ a fool!" Maria snarled, but recovered herself immediately. "All right. If you're still so enamored with the idea of freedom, then come back with me. Things can be different this time- you'll have your own territory. I'll kill your humans for you, if you like, so that you can feed without suffering their emotions. I'll even let you manage your subordinates however you see fit."

"Starting with Paul?" Jasper challenged, his gift churning toward the vampire on Maria's left. Paul jerked in surprise, eyeing Jasper fearfully. "Are you aware, Paul, that Maria has already decided, should I rejoin her, that my first task would be to execute not Carlos, but you?"

Paul glanced at Maria, but bared his teeth at Jasper. "It won't work."

Jasper laughed suddenly. "She's obviously given you two a different story than she gives most of her creations, if she's brought you up here. But surely you're familiar with the way she runs things. Her strongest creation is the only one who survives. I killed every single one of the men and women she changed for a span of eighty years. Those that survived the battles I led them into, that is. Maria might want me back, but do you? Because I can assure you, if I _were_ to come back, killing the two of you would be my first order of business."

"Times change," Maria said quickly, before the others could respond. She jerked her head over toward Carlos. "Look at their eyes; you can see that neither of them are newborns. The three of us have coexisted peacefully for the past two years. And if you take my offer to run things as you choose, you'll need both of them. You were always chattering on about leaving more veterans alive so that the army could operate more intelligently. And… you were right. I see that now." She ground her teeth; humility didn't appear to be her strong suit. "That model you envisioned is our best chance at success."

"What success?" Jasper asked, narrowing his eyes. "The extermination of the Arizona coven?"

 _What else, you idiot?!_ "That, among other things," she said vaguely. "Those kinds of details are best discussed in private," she added, eyeing Carlisle with suspicion. "I don't know how you run things here in the North," she said to him abruptly in a business-like tone. "Is Jasper free to leave if he chooses?"

"Of course he is," Carlisle replied. "Because he was never an acquisition in the first place. Our diet does not just help us blend in with our human neighbors; it frees us to form genuine relationships with one another. This is not merely a coven. This is a family, and Jasper is my son now."

"Your _son_?" Maria sneered, finally looking back at Paul and Carlos to make sure they shared her incredulity. "I wonder how much you know about your new son, Carlisle? Has he told you how many vampires he has killed- both in battle and in cold blood? How many thousands of humans he's fed on, many of them women and children? What role do you think your new _son_ will play in your little charade? The only thing he's good at is killing, and doing it well."

"He told us everything," Esme said coldly, inching forward to stand closer to Carlisle. "We know what you trained him to do… to be." She looked at Jasper, giving him an encouraging smile. "And that makes us all the more proud that he has chosen to live our way."

"And he's more than a killer now," Rosalie added fiercely. "When you don't spend all your time fighting, you actually have the chance to _live_ your life. Jasper is a genius at electronics now. He's been learning carpentry and masonry, and studying world history, and practicing being around humans without killing them- which is no easy task, thanks to _you_."

"I don't know, Rose," Emmett said, grinning. "Maybe we should thank her. She's the one who taught him to fight in the first place, and now he's trained all of us." He stared at Carlos again, stretching his smile to reveal his teeth.

Maria ignored them. "Well, Jasper?"

"Even if I were interested," Jasper said steadily, "it comes to mind that the last time you and I were together, you were plotting to kill me."

Maria waved her hand absently. "A misunderstanding. I can see now that we just needed some time apart. And you needed some time away, time to see how good you had it when you were with me." She smirked, taking another step forward. "Do you remember, Jasper? Do you remember how richly we fed after our victory in Monterrey? How the blood flowed, when we pushed the Guatemala coven out into the wilderness?"

Jasper remembered, all right. His throat sizzled as he remembered the bounty of his past life. But he shook his head, taking three slow steps backward to stand beside Carlisle and Esme. "Go home, Maria."

Maria drew in a slow, angry breath. "If you need more time…"

"I have been patient so far," Carlisle interrupted sternly. "Even though we know you came here to take Jasper against his will. But my patience is wearing thin. Jasper has given you his answer, so you have no further business with us. We are a peaceable coven, but we will defend his freedom if you force us to."

Maria laughed cruelly, retreating back to stand closer to Carlos and Paul. "Do you take me for a fool, Carlisle? I wouldn't dream of attacking such a large coven, not with these odds. You have nothing to fear from me." _At least, not until I can return with more…_

"We are not fools either," I said quickly, before the new plan could alter Alice's visions and make her give herself away. "It's obvious that you have every intention of returning with a larger army as soon as possible."

"I suggest you drop that plan immediately," Jasper hissed, crouching down slightly and baring his teeth. Carlos and Paul copied him instantly, then all of us except Carlisle crouched in readiness as well. Paul and I locked eyes, ready to spring at each other.

Maria was trembling in futile anger now. "Very well," she snapped at Jasper. "I can see your new diet has addled your wits to the point where you would be useless to me anyway!"

"Then in the interest of peace," Carlisle said quietly, "I suggest you leave the area immediately. And I think you have noticed that we have certain ways of collecting information. We will know if you change your mind and prove treacherous."

"And we will act," Rosalie snarled.

Maria jerked her hand upward, and Carlos and Paul stood back up, looking relieved. We did the same.

"Then we leave in peace," Maria said, her voice suddenly sweet again. She smiled at Carlisle and swept her eyes over all of us again, looking as confident as ever. Her gaze finally rested on Jasper and her smile dropped. "Enjoy your new coven." _Traitor._ She turned and ran, followed closely by Carlos and Paul.

"Not my coven," Jasper called, loud enough to her to hear. "My family."

* * *

**Well! Good thing that's over and the danger is past...**

**...or is it?**


	43. Rite of Passage

We all stood in frozen silence until Maria was well out of earshot, and then some.

"I've lost her," I finally told everyone. "She was still heading southeast when I last heard her thoughts."

" _I've_ got her," Alice announced, wearing a smile of smug satisfaction. I watched as she effortlessly followed Maria with her gift. For the rest of the foreseeable future, we would be able to track her movements.

Jasper finally relaxed and came back over, scooping Alice up in his arms and breathing in her scent. "I wanted to tell her, so badly," he murmured into her hair. "I wanted to tell her how much happiness I've found with you, despite how much she took from me." Alice wrapped herself around him and they just held each other in silence, oblivious and thoughtless as the rest of us began to talk about what had just happened.

"Are we sure she'll stay away?" Rosalie asked.

"She discarded her plan to raise up an army against us almost immediately," I said. "and didn't return to it in her thoughts the whole time I was listening. Although that doesn't mean she's never going to try anything. Alice will have to keep watch."

"And what about the other two?" Carlisle asked me. "Were you able to tell whether either of the males is a tracker?"

"There was something about Carlos… something very vague and weak, and I never saw him accessing it. I don't know what it is, though."

Carlisle thought for a moment. "He may have a gift similar to Alistair's." I nodded my agreement.

"Isn't Alistair that grumpy British vampire?" Alice asked, peeling herself away from Jasper.

Carlisle smiled. "Alistair is a bit of a recluse. He considers me his closest friend, but… well, anyway, he's a tracker, but his gift is rather vague and unreliable. If he wants to find someone… or some _thing_ , he doesn't necessarily feel a pull in the right direction. He'll just end up at the right place eventually, though sometimes it's years after the fact. He's never put much effort into sorting it out, really."

"I didn't hear Maria thinking about it, either," I said. "It's possible neither she nor Carlos realize he's gifted."

"I really am surprised," Jasper said thoughtfully, looking over Alice's head toward the woods in the direction Maria had gone. "She's never done anything like this before- travelling so far from home, or letting her creations learn the truth about the Wars. She must be more desperate than I thought."

"I don't get why those two stay with her, if they know the truth now," Emmett said.

Jasper frowned, still staring out into the woods. He was barely seeing the trees in front of him; his mind was dark with memories of the Wars... and the accompanying tastes. "The promise of unlimited blood is a powerful incentive," he said, swallowing hard. "It took me years to even begin to wish for freedom. And if I know Maria, she's got those two wrapped around her finger so tight it wouldn't even occur to them to think about it."

"Perhaps seeing our example will help them consider leaving her," Carlisle said hopefully. "In a way, it's almost a shame that we let her live. You all know how much I dislike violence, but now she will just return to her old life, ruining so many other human and vampire lives."

Jasper shrugged. "Another would just take her place."

"Maybe she'll change her mind so we can kill her," Emmett said under his breath.

"Emmett," Esme murmured.

"Sorry," he said glumly.

"No," she said, laying a hand on his huge arm. "I was going to say, I feel the same way- I almost wish it had come to a fight. She certainly deserves to die for all she's done, to Jasper and so many others." She laid her other hand on Carlisle's arm, smiling up at him with adoring eyes. "But that's what makes us different. We don't just settle for peace… we _want_ peace. We are strong, and yet we take no pleasure in using or threatening to use that strength against others. Gentleness doesn't necessarily mean weakness."

Jasper nodded, giving her a small smile. _I'm beginning to see that._

We all waited in the woods for a while while Alice watched Maria run. It was a shame we couldn't tell _which_ direction she was running, though she had certainly avoided the city. They stopped to argue a couple of times, which we took to be a good sign; perhaps Carlos and Paul really would consider leaving her and making a new start. And some of us were quietly hoping they would turn on her and end the threat forever. I, for one, wasn't feeling quite as generous as Esme. Just because we were peaceable didn't mean we wanted to be looking over our shoulders for the rest of eternity. The thought of having actual _enemies_ was new and uncomfortable. There had been the werewolves, but that was in the past. At least like them, Maria seemed to be tied to a certain territory, easily avoided. I just hoped the nomadic life didn't suit her; it didn't seem to.

"They just stopped to hunt," Alice reported, her eyes glazed over. "I see them taking off again at a run right after that."

"I hope it isn't too close to Calgary," Carlisle said in a subdued voice. "I wanted to ask her to feed well away from us, but it was over so fast…"

Jasper held up a hand. "It isn't your fault," he assured him. "Besides, if you had said something like that, she probably would have fed in the city just to spite you."

"Let's go back home," Esme suggested, trailing her fingers along Carlisle's arm in comfort.

"Carlisle, I made a change to the cover story today," I said as I turned to follow Esme.

"Oh?"

"Alice is an epileptic now," I admitted sheepishly. "It was the only way I could think of to explain her blackout this morning. I told the teacher she had forgotten to bring her medication to school today."

Carlisle nodded. "I'll arrange a prescription and have some paperwork ready to go, in case the school should question her about it. That was quick thinking, Edward." I nodded my thanks. "In fact, I'm quite proud of everyone," he continued, looking around. "This was probably the most dangerous situation we've ever faced as a family, and I think we all did quite well. And Alice, I've never been so grateful for your gift as I am today."

"I need to hunt," Jasper announced from behind us. "Immediately."

"Yes, you do," I agreed uncomfortably. Jasper's secondhand thirst hadn't been this bad in a while. Ever since Maria had piqued his memory about the way he used to feed, his thirst had been burning, all the way down to his stomach.

"Don't go far," Carlisle warned. "It's daytime, and I'd like to be certain that Maria is back in the U.S. before we get too far apart from each other. Take Edward and Emmett with you, and come right back home."

"I don't see any problems," Alice said. "Although Emmett, that bear never did anything to you."

"You hunt your way, I'll hunt mine," Emmett muttered, heading deeper into the woods. Jasper and I quickly caught up to him, concerned. It was rare for his mind to be so agitated, apart from his occasional fights with Rosalie.

"Sorry if I'm not _peaceable_ enough," he growled before Jasper and I could ask him what was wrong. He punched an oak tree with his fist, meaning to knock it down and get out some of his energy. But his fist merely broke through the other side.

"It's all right," Jasper said lightly. "You had it under control; that's what matters. And believe me, Esme was _way_ angrier at Maria than you were."

"Really?" Emmett asked, grinning. He pulled his fist out of the damaged tree, hitting it with his open hand this time. We watched in amusement as the tree creaked and leaned over, catching itself on the limbs of its neighbors. _That's better._ I decided to refrain from pointing out that the tree hadn't done anything to him either. Besides, I wasn't one to talk.

"I think she sees Maria as my… biological mother, in a way," Jasper said with an ironic smile. "And sees herself as my adopted mother, who can't understand how Maria could have treated her child the way she did. It's almost funny, when you consider how many of my 'siblings' I've killed." _And considering what she tried to make me._ He clenched his jaw, his mind flashing through a few darker memories I had never seen before.

"Maria tried to _seduce_ you?!" I asked, startled. Emmett guffawed, knocking over another tree for good measure.

"You're not that good at keeping secrets, are you?" Jasper said drily. "Guess what, Emmett. Edward wanted to kill you while you were in transition."

"That's not the same thing!" I hissed.

"What!" Emmett growled, shoving me into a third tree. "What kind of guy tries to kill his brother in his sleep?!"

Jasper smirked, moving out of the way. _He's not mad._

I rolled off the trunk of the tree as it began to tip. "You were a disaster while you were changing, Em!" I protested, laughing and dodging his swinging fist. "I was worried you'd break away from us and massacre an entire town! Carlisle wouldn't let me, though. He said it was one thing to let you die from the bear attack, but another to kill you ourselves."

"Hmm. Maybe being peaceable does have its uses," Emmett said thoughtfully. "Still, I'm gonna pound you for that."

"Do your worst," I scoffed, zipping away from his fist again. At least he seemed happier now. "I'm still cooking up my revenge for you breaking my jaw."

"I'll break the other side for you," he threatened lazily. "But later. First I want to hear about Jasper and _Maria_." He drew the last word out, his voice high and feminine.

"There's not much to tell," Jasper admitted, looking relieved. "She probably would have succeeded, had she tried it earlier on. I was too wild in the beginning for her to risk it. But by the time she did try, my gift was already fairly strong. Her emotions were… repulsive."

"I would imagine so," I agreed, grimacing at his memories. "She must have really loved her mate, to still be fighting a war on his behalf this much later."

Jasper frowned. "She still loves him, deeply. But no method is too low for her when it comes to manipulating her creations, if she thinks it will help her toward her goal. Even when she's hurting herself like that."

"I got the impression that she and Paul had been involved," I said. "He was angry that she had spared Carlos and brought him along."

"I'm not surprised," Jasper mused. _Maybe the other one will be able to break away, at least…_ He sniffed the air, moving off to the west to find the bears he had just scented.

"Wait up," Emmett called, going after him. "I might as well fulfill Alice's vision."

I drifted off toward the east, soon rewarded by the powerful scent of a mountain lion in heat. I killed her fairly quickly, not wanting to be separated from my brothers for long.

And a good thing, too.

I was jarred out of the frenzy when I heard Jasper mentally shouting for me to come back. And to my horror, I could also hear _Maria_ 's mind, and Paul and Carlos as well. I bowled over my kill in my rush, blood streaming down my chin as I ran. I burst upon them to find Emmett fighting off both Paul and Carlos, who were snarling and snapping ike dogs. Jasper had Maria backed up against a rock face, deliberating whether to turn his back to her long enough to help Emmett, or to attack her first. _EDWARD!_ he thought frantically again. _WHERE ARE YOU!?_

I didn't waste time answering him. I threw myself into the fight, knocking Paul off Emmett's back. We rolled away together, leaving the crashing sounds of Emmett's and Carlos' fight behind us. Paul snapped at me once and then kicked us apart. I sprawled upside down against a tree, which fell smack on Emmett and Carlos, splitting them apart momentarily. By the time it hit, Paul was already in my face again, teeth ready and straining for my throat. I snarled back and grabbed _his_ throat, digging in with my nails the way Jasper had taught us. He coughed and clawed at my hand, kneeing me hard in the groin. We both fell away gasping in pain for a second, and then slammed back together like thunder.

Paul made his mistake quickly enough. He was a close, reckless fighter- exactly the kind Jasper had trained us not to be. He went for my throat again, but I saw his thought in time. I dodged his attack, bringing my elbow down hard on his back. He crumpled to the ground, rolling away just in time to avoid my teeth. But I was already there waiting for him. I bit his shoulder as he completed the roll, grabbing his elbow and pulling. But I didn't have the right leverage to dismember the arm, so I sank my teeth in deeper and tore a sizeable chunk out of his shoulder, spitting it off to the side.

Paul screamed in wounded fury, springing back up to attack again. I danced away, snarling back at him and gathering myself for another attack. I hit him low this time, and we crashed to the ground together. He twisted down to bite my arm, but I let go and backhanded him so hard his profile dug into the ground.

I grabbed his chin before he could recover and pushed up with all my might, diving in with my teeth as well. His throat cracked and split open with a terrible shrieking sound that clashed with his scream, which was suddenly cut off along with his air. I pulled his head the rest of the way off by his hair and threw it aside, but my stomach lurched as his hands shot up anyway, reaching blindly for my throat. I jumped to my feet and stomped the body down flat, grabbing the arms and pulling up to break them away. I had the lighter out in a flash and before I knew what was happening, Paul was no more.

I jumped backwards away from the fire, which was already roaring and getting its horrid purple smoke in my eyes. I hastily tossed the head and arms and the other piece into the flames and spun around to see what else I could do; Emmett's fight was still going on.

"It's not a game, Emmett," Jasper said harshly from where he stood, still poised to attack Maria if she so much as moved a muscle. "End it."

Emmett roared in triumph, landing a savage kick onto Carlos' throat and following it with his teeth; it was the same move Jasper had taught us the first day he arrived. But this time Emmett bit deep and twisted once. Carlos' head rolled away. I scooped it up and threw it into the fire. Carlos' body went suddenly limp in Emmett's arms, and it was over.

"I told you there would be consequences if you crossed us," Jasper hissed, taking a step closer to Maria. After disposing of Carlos we darted to his side, twitching with fury and energy, but not attacking; her fate was in Jasper's hands.

"What consequences?" Maria said, daring a smirk. I wanted to tear it off her face. "I wanted you to kill them. They were furious when we went away empty-handed. You just saved my life."

"Let me kill her," Emmett snarled.

"Did you see me attacking?" Maria demanded, looking at all three of us in turn. "Did you see me fighting? Did you hear me give them any kind of command at all?"

"You stink of lies as much as you ever did," Jasper hissed back. But he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, looking for confirmation. I shrugged, angrily wishing I had more to give him. I had been so wrapped up in fighting for my life that I hadn't exactly been keeping my attention on Maria's mind.

"I admit we circled back to see if there was any other… option," Maria said, pressing herself harder against the rock face in preparation for a spring to the side, should Jasper attack. "But they were threatening to kill me, I had to give them something! I didn't think you would be stupid enough to split up right away like this. When we crossed your scent, they just attacked without my permission."

Jasper stared at her for a moment, grinding his teeth, then slowly eased back up into standing. "I'm going to give you exactly one hour to get out of Canada," he said flatly. "I'll know if you don't. And then I'll be more than happy to watch you burn."

"Shame about Carlos," I put in, standing up as well. "You didn't even know he was gifted, did you?"

_Gifted?!_

"Some kind of tracker, we think," I went on, forcing out a smirk. "That's probably how you were able to find Jasper so easily. I suggest you don't try again."

"No," Emmett growled, smiling around his bared teeth. " _Please_ , try again."

"I won't bother," Maria snapped, pulling suddenly away from the rock face and brazenly walking between me and Jasper to make her departure. Emmett shivered with the desire to kill, but stood his ground. "I can see where you stand. Though _why_ you've chosen these jaundiced idiots is beyond me."

"I know it's beyond you," Jasper said. Emmett and I were surprised to see that the anger had gone from his face; there was only sadness.

"Look at them," Maria spat. "They're not killers, not even when they kill. You'll never be like them."

"Maybe not," Jasper murmured. "But they're my family nonetheless. I'll thank you to stay away from them in the future."

"Why'd you do that?" Emmett sighed in exasperation as we watched Maria run off toward the south. "Why'd you let her go?"

Jasper took one last look in the direction Maria had gone, and then turned for home. "Because it's what Carlisle would have done."

.

.

.

The rest of the family reached us less than two minutes after Maria left. Rosalie and Alice flew to their husbands' sides and Carlisle and Esme nearly knocked me over in their worried attention, checking me over for injuries. It wasn't until this moment that it hit me, what I had just done.

I had killed one of my own kind. A life that had been designed to endure forever, and I had ended it.

I hadn't had a choice; that was plain. But I felt… dirty. And furious, that Maria had put me in this position at all; used me to do her dirty work, the same way she had used Jasper all those years. I remembered now, with a stab of guilt, the brief moment of envy that I had seen in Paul's mind when he realized how different our life was from his own. Now he would never have the chance to see if he could live a different way. He had forced me to kill him, and not even because he was a villain in his own right; he had never had a chance to be more than a pawn of his creator.

But most of all I felt disgusted, at myself. Because for one very brief moment, when I had torn Paul apart, I had _enjoyed_ it. I had felt so powerful, so wonderfully _fierce_ in that moment of victory. The monster had broken free, just for that one second, and not for blood; for the sheer pleasure of rage, that all-consuming, red-haze rage that our kind are capable of. I had never felt it so purely before, never used my full strength to destroy something before, and it frightened me, because it had felt so _good_. What did that say about me?

 _I'm sorry_.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Carlisle addressing me mentally. I hadn't realized I was staring at Paul's smoldering ashes with such a nauseous expression. The image was made all the more macabre by the blood that had now dried on my chin.

 _We all should have stayed together until we were sure she was farther away. I'm sorry you had to do that._ _I would have-_

"It's fine," I said absently, turning back to join the others. Carlisle stopped me with a light touch to my shoulder, silently imploring me to confide in him. I didn't want to; he didn't need any more evidence that I was not like him. But his words echoed in my perfect memory, bringing warmth and safety. _Let me say it once and for all, son. There is nothing you could do that would be enough to make me stop loving you._

"I enjoyed it," I said abruptly, watching his eyes.

Carlisle nodded his misunderstood agreement. _Defending your family?_

"No. I enjoyed… killing him."

"Ah." He paused, corralling his thoughts. _Are you proud that you enjoyed it?_

I flinched, horrified. "Of course not!"

"Good. That is what makes you… makes _us_ different from them." His eyes flicked meaningfully to Emmett, who was surprisingly still and quiet as Rosalie clung to him. He wasn't whooping in triumph or boasting or even smiling, now that his own rage had passed; he was remembering the fear on Carlos' face earlier this morning.

"Would you have enjoyed it, if it was you?" I asked quietly.

"I hope not, but…" His memory flitted easily back to 1936, when for several seconds we had fought the wolves. He remembered the way he had so easily lost his rational thought in those moments, how he, like the rest of us, had snarled and been on all fours in the dirt, his instincts shouting and his venom flowing. He winced. _Probably._

My shoulders sagged in relief. And Carlisle, to my surprise, was giving me a small smile. "Proof of soullessness?" he asked lightly, raising an eyebrow. It seemed that now that things were better between us again, the old debate was fair game.

I tried to grin back, though it didn't come out quite right. "Absolutely."

His own smile stayed put, sinking just a bit as we both turned to watch the purple smoke. _There are times, Edward… times like this, where I feel you may be right._

I glanced back, sure I had heard him wrong. "What? I've never heard you-"

 _Just doubts_ , he assured me quickly. _A bad day._ _But regardless, I think we are more than the sum of our doubts… or the thoughts we're not proud of. What else do you feel, about the fight?_

"Anger at Maria… for making us do it. She told us that we had done her a favor, that they would have turned on her after failing to bring back Jasper. I feel guilty, because for just a moment- earlier, I mean- Paul seemed to wish that he had the chance at a different life. Relieved, that it's over." And…" I looked back at my family, relieved to feel the evidence of Carlisle's hope about me. "Yes, I do feel proud that I was able to protect the others."

"We feel everything deeply," Carlisle murmured, catching Esme's eyes with his own. "We can hate with a power that humans cannot attain. But we can love that way, as well." Esme smiled back at him, and his focus on our conversation evaporated.

"Go ahead," I teased, giving him a shove. He laughed softly, going to her. We all milled around for a while, waiting for the smoke to die out. I didn't know what we would say if someone saw it; it was sheer dumb luck this had been one of the foggiest days so far.

"Maria just crossed the border," Alice announced, drawing everyone's attention. "I just saw a highway sign about Spokane."

"Let's go back home," Esme sighed, and there were a few weak laughs as we remembered she had said the exact same words earlier this morning.

"And this time we stick together until Alice sees Maria even farther south," Carlisle said firmly.

Jasper laced his fingers through Alice's for the run home, finally noticing that his wedding ring was still missing. He turned to me and held out his hand expectantly.

I slowly reached to pull the ring off, stealing one last glance at how my hand looked with it on, and remembering how it had felt to have a woman at my side, a small hand in mine… someone that was _mine_ to protect. I was glad Carlisle hadn't asked me how that had felt.

Jasper leaned over and snatched the ring out of my fingers, giving me a knowing smile. _Don't worry... someday. And thank you._

I nodded absently, sighing down at my empty hand. Jasper grinned larger, and, on a whim, slung Alice up onto his back. She shrieked in surprise, locking her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist as he began to run. I smiled wistfully, watching them tear through the woods towards home. My hand slipped of its own accord into my pocket, reaching for the diamond.

It wasn't there.

I panicked, spinning to run back to the rock face. "I'll be right back... forgot something," I told the others over my shoulder. I flashed back to where I had fought Paul and knelt in the scuffed-up grass, running my fingers through it as I searched. Nothing. I finally grimaced when I realized I only had one place left to look.

I ran my fingers slowly through the ashes, coughing and looking away as they rose up in a gray cloud. My hand found the lighter first; I had tossed it, flame and all, onto Paul's writhing body. A moment later I coughed again, this time in relief as my fingers closed around the diamond. I must have grabbed it along with the lighter, in my haste.

I rolled away from the dust cloud, still kneeling and using my shirt to polish the dirtied facets of the diamond at super-speed until it shone again. I clutched it against my chest as hard as I dared, squeezing my eyes closed and relieved beyond relief that I hadn't lost it forever.

* * *

**Hmmm. Well, they're still in Calgary, so... apparently this was** **_not_ ** **the last chapter before the Epilogue. One more to go before we wrap things up.**


	44. Treachery

We had exactly seventeen hours of peace after Maria left.

Alice watched her the rest of the day and well into the evening, gathering scraps of evidence that confirmed her southward flight. A "Welcome to Idaho" sign. A road sign saying that Salt Lake City was 15 miles off. A butte on the horizon. Audible curses spewed by Maria as she turned east, giving Arizona a wide berth. A cactus.

So when Maria slowed down after the cactus and began skulking around aimlessly, we relaxed. I spent the rest of the night composing an Etude in B flat minor. I was still buzzing with energy from the fight I had won, and this was the least destructive way to work it out. The song had a stormy, frightening beginning, and soon reached inhuman levels of complication. I sorely missed my grand piano tonight; I still planned to try and have it shipped up here sometime, but meanwhile I was playing a measly spinet I had found in a local shop. I was spoiled now, and could only imagine how much richer and darker this song would be, on the right piano. I played faster and faster, trying to purge myself of the extra energy before going to school for the day. I was so deep in the music that the minds of my family had completely faded away.

"Edward, it's—"

I gasped and slipped on the keys as Esme's voice startled me, accidentally smashing through the wood in my momentum.

"I'm sorry!" she laughed, backing up a step. "Didn't you hear me talking to you before?"

I shook my head sheepishly, scowling down at the torn wood. I finally noticed the sunlight that lay across the keys and my fingers. When had the sun risen?

"I was saying, you'd better start getting ready for school or you'll be late. Alice is staying home today."

"Why?"

"Carlisle won't let me go," Alice sulked as she came into the room. She perched on the top of the couch with her sketchpad and pencil in one hand, the Wall Street Journal in the other. Esme went back upstairs to see if Emmett and Rosalie were ready. Alice was still pouting. "He says I have to _rest_ because of my seizure yesterday. Is that fair, Edward?!"

"It is. And besides, you don't have your new medication yet."

"But they're reading the end of Romeo and Juliet today!"

"You won't miss much," I told her, turning back to pick at the wound I had just inflicted on the piano. "Romeo finds Juliet and he thinks she's really dead. So he kills himself in his grief, and then she wakes up to find _him_ dead. So she kills herself, too."

Alice was horrified. She had taken my advice not to read ahead, apparently. "But… what about the happy ending? The happily ever after? They were destined to be together!"

"It isn't a romance," I laughed, closing the lid over the keys. "It's a tragedy."

Alice flew up to her bedroom and reappeared on top of the couch again, book in hand. I watched in amusement as she flicked through the final act, angrily turning the pages in quick succession. She finally threw the book down in disgust. "What a stupid ending! Didn't it occur to Romeo to make sure she was dead before killing himself over it?!"

I shrugged, finally standing up. "Love makes people do stupid things, apparently. Or so I've heard."

"You're not leaving already, are you?" Alice whined, opening her sketchbook. "I need you to play some more, so I can finish this."

I took her sketchbook, turning it around to see what she had drawn. I frowned to see a sketch of myself fighting Paul. I hated the way she had drawn my face: teeth bared and dripping with venom, eyes wide and black with murderous hatred. I had no doubt she had gotten it right.

"Is this really necessary?" I sighed, handing it back to her. "Can't you draw flowers or something?"

"Your music wasn't exactly flower-inspiring," she said, laying her pencil at an angle to shade in part of Paul's face. "And I was really proud of you and Emmett, so I wanted to draw it." She flipped back to the previous page, and now I saw Emmett grappling with Carlos. She really had captured the fury in both their faces.

"It's good," I admitted, heading upstairs to change.

 _Jasper's really proud of you, too._ _He was afraid you would hold back and get yourself killed. He was impressed._ She smiled to herself. _He was impressed with me, too._

"For what?" I called out my door.

She sniffed, studiously filling in Emmett's sideburns. _For not attacking Maria._

I came back downstairs, sitting back on the piano bench to tie my shoes. I chuckled down at my shoelaces as Alice imagined a couple of satisfying scenarios in which she took Maria out. They weren't visions; she had never really considered it. "That wouldn't have gone well," I pointed out.

"I know," she sighed. "Besides, I don't _really_ want to kill her."

"You don't?"

"I hate her," she clarified, digging her pencil in harder as she darkened Carlos' eyes. "I hate her for every day that Jasper lived through that made-up hell that she had him trapped in. I hate her for every lie she told him. I hate her for every scar he has. But I can't hate her all the way, because she made him. And besides, Jasper doesn't hate her. He never did, not even when he was getting ready to kill her."

"What?" I asked, turning back around in surprise.

"He never told you about that? It was near the end. He could feel her emotions changing, about him. He could tell she didn't trust him anymore, that she was plotting to kill him. And he didn't have any hope of really _escaping_ , because of all her other lies. So he knew that he had to kill her first. But he didn't want to. Peter came around that time and told him the truth, and he just ran off, relieved that he hadn't needed to kill her after all."

"He told me he didn't hate her because he understood," I said. "He could feel her grief over losing her mate… the anger that drives her."

"Maybe it would have been kinder if we had killed her. She seems miserable, doesn't she?" _Is it wrong of me to hate her, when Jasper doesn't? Is it wrong to hate her when she's so unhappy?_

I shrugged, wondering if Alice knew about Maria trying to seduce Jasper back in the days before she awoke. But that wasn't my business. I heard Emmett's heavy steps on the stairs and went to the window. Calgary wasn't turning out to be as cloudy as we had hoped, and today didn't look promising: a few clouds, but far too much blue for comfort. "It's pretty sunny out there, Alice," I observed with a frown. "What's the forecast?"

Alice drifted into the future briefly. "You're right, I don't see you in school today. I see you…" Her pencil stilled as she searched. _Driving?_ "Were you planning on going somewhere else?"

"No, why?"

Her pencil snapped in half as a new vision zoomed into focus, unannounced: our cars all driving in a line and packed full, just like our road trip through Canada last month.

"Oh, _now_ what?! _Carlisle!"_ I shouted, and the whole house came alive with footsteps and frantic thoughts. Jasper came up from the basement and the others came downstairs. Alice was still motionless, trying to figure out what had just changed. I reflexively glanced at Jasper's eyes, but of course they were the same orange-red they had been yesterday; lighter, actually, since he had hunted.

"What?" Rosalie seethed, recognizing Alice's faraway stare. But Alice snapped out of it more quickly this time.

"We have to leave," she moaned, pulling her hair as she began searching the future again. "I don't know what happened, just give me a minute!"

"Jasper, were you about to go hunting?" Carlisle asked worriedly.

"No! I wasn't even planning on leaving the house at all today."

We all waited tensely as Alice scrambled to make sense of the new vision. She finally found an image of two policemen standing on our front porch, though she didn't know why.

"Check Maria," Jasper said uneasily. "What's she doing right now?"

Alice frowned in concentration as she switched gears and pulled backward to the immediate future. We saw Maria walking quickly, not pacing with aimless fury like earlier; now she was storming through some dusty town, determination gleaming in her red eyes.

"What is she-" Alice murmured, but her voiced trailed off as Maria headed straight for a telephone booth. She picked up the phone and sweetly asked the operator to please connect her to the Police Station in Calgary, Alberta. She put in some coins.

"She wouldn't," I hissed.

"Yes," Alice sighed, biting her lip. "I think she would."

"WHAT?" Emmett shouted.

Carlisle held up his hand for quiet, and Jasper began to release as much calm as he could muster, considering how agitated _he_ was. I began to narrate the vision to the others in a whisper, so as not to break Alice's concentration.

When Maria spoke again, her voice had changed again; still sweet but tremulous now, with a Canadian accent. "I have to report a crime," she said, gasping like she was out of air. The policeman told her to calm down, to take a deep breath and tell him her name. "He killed them," she gasped, pointedly ignoring his question. "That doctor. He _killed them all!"_ She took another deep breath. "His name is Carlisle."

"I can't _believe_ she just said that!" I snarled, breaking Alice's hold on Maria.

"Stop editing and narrate," Rosalie snapped back. Alice ground her teeth and covered her ears, trying to focus.

"...blonde hair," Maria was saying. "He works at the hospital in Calgary-" she took a deeper breath, smirking at the attentive silence on the line. "I was visiting my friend yesterday, down in Bragg Creek-"

"Bragg Creek, did you say?!" the policeman interrupted sharply.

"Yes. She and her husband live there, and there was another man there- a hired man, I think…" Her voice hitched and she let out a sob. "We were just sitting there having lunch, and he just broke down the door and _killed them!_ " She sniffled again.

"How?" the policeman asked. I could hear a pencil scribbling in the background. "Was there a weapon?"

"No!" Maria wailed. "It was so horrible. He just _bit_ them, right in the neck! He's insane! And- oh, you'll think me so silly for this, but it's true…"

"Go on," he urged.

"There's something not right about him," Maria said in a lower voice. "His skin is so cold, and hard like stone… and he looks strange in the sunlight… the others were that way too."

More pencil scribbling. "How many?"

"Seven. They buried-" she grinned, letting out a final sob. "They buried them out behind the woodshed. They said they were going to eat me later for dinner, but I ran, I ran so fast and I just _know_ they're going to find me!"

"We'll send someone to get you right away, ma'am. Where are you?"

"No! I can't… they might find out. I'll be fine. Just please, stop them before they hurt anyone else!"

"We're on it," he promised. "I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"

Maria hung up the phone, glancing over her shoulder as if we were going to attack her in the phone booth. Then she stepped out and sauntered away, smirking as she went.

Alice blinked, her eyes dark now. The vision ended. We all stood silent for a few more seconds, truly shocked at what Maria had just done.

"I should have killed her," Jasper sighed, looking apologetically at Carlisle. "I'm sorry."

Carlisle was at a loss for words. He looked so stunned… shaken. We had had emergencies before, but this was different. This time _he_ was the one being accused of murder. I hated Maria twice as much as before, just for hurting him like this. Esme quietly slipped her arm around his waist. "How long do we have, Alice?" she asked.

Alice scrambled through her visions again, chewing on her thumbnail as she tried to find a clue about the time. "Today, definitely… "

"Stop, right there!" I told her. "No, go back... That one! Do you see where the sun is?" I thought for a moment, then turned to the others. "We've got less than an hour. We've got to be long gone by then. Carlisle won't even be able to step out into the sunlight to talk to them."

Emmett and Rosalie jumped into action, and I began digging my music out of the piano bench. Esme squeezed Carlisle's arm before zipping up the stairs to pack. Jasper stayed, focusing on Carlisle and giving him whatever emotions he thought would help. Carlisle finally stirred after a moment, running a hand tiredly through his hair. "Perhaps you're right," he said to Jasper; he had completely missed the last thirty seconds. "But I think it's always better to err on the side of mercy. You did well." He blinked, finally realizing that half the family had disappeared.

"We're leaving," I told him gently. "Less than an hour."

My father stared blankly at me for a moment. He headed slowly for the stairs, closely followed by Jasper, who shot me a worried look over his shoulder. _I've never seen him like this, have you?_

I shook my head, slamming the piano bench shut and moving to empty the bookshelves. "Do what you can for him, but do it quickly," I murmured. "We need to get out of here."

Jasper focused on Carlisle again, who soon began moving faster up the stairs. By the time I had the first bookshelf emptied, I heard him talking rapidly with Esme about what we would need to leave behind, and directing the others about the best way to pack the cars and the trailer. I rushed down to the basement, pulling Alice along with me; she was also in a daze.

We always kept a large stash of boxes handy, but it would be even easier this time; we hadn't even bothered to collapse them yet. I stationed Alice near the top of the steps and tossed them to her one at a time, and she mechanically tossed them into the hallway and the living room. When we had finished and gone back upstairs, she just stood in the center of the living room while I darted back and forth around her, packing up books and those decorations that Esme always kept.

_How could I have missed that?! How could I have missed Maria coming right back? Why didn't I even see that she was looking-_

"Hey," I said, frowning and stopping on a dime in front of her. She was staring into space, but not at her visions; just staring. Her thumbnail was between her teeth again. I gently pulled her hand down from her mouth, noticing for the first time how chewed up that one nail was. I wondered how long it had been like that. "Alice. It's all right. We'll be all right. This isn't your fault." She looked up at me.

_This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to stop things like this from happening. All those years, when I watched you all, I couldn't wait for when I could be here too, because I was going to make sure nothing bad ever happened again._

"You couldn't have seen this," I assured her. "Maria just decided. She had lost, and she hurt us in the only way she could think of."

"But before! How could she have been looking for Jasper for this long, and I didn't know until she was almost on top of us?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. She changed direction, on a whim? Carlos' gift kicked in when they were near enough? Bad luck?" I picked up another handful of ancient books, carefully wedging them in between stacks of newer ones. Alice watched me, the questions boiling up in her mind again.

_Why couldn't I stop this? Why doesn't my gift always work the way I need it to work? Maybe if I had paid more attention-_

"Stop it, Alice," I said sharply, grabbing her hand again. It was already halfway up to her mouth; she had been about to bite her thumbnail again. "Look. I understand, about…" I glanced over her shoulder to see Jasper standing on the bottom step, leaning casually against the wall. He must have heard me raising my voice. I dropped Alice's hand and began to back away from her.

 _No, it's all right_ , he assured me silently. _I think you do understand, in this case, better than I could. So…_ he smiled softly at his wife, who was still waiting for me to finish my sentence. _…do what you can for her, but do it quickly. We need to get out of here._ I felt a brush of gratitude as he went back upstairs.

"I understand," I repeated, looking back down at Alice, "what it feels like. I've always felt that I needed to be responsible because of my gift… sort of the lookout. It's my job to listen to the thoughts of our classmates, neighbors… sometimes the police and Carlisle's coworkers… even enemies. And sometimes I miss things, or I catch them too late. But… that's how it is. You know the others don't blame us for that."

_I know that. I just wish…_

I smirked down at her. "That we were as omniscient as we like to pretend?"

_That I didn't feel like I'm just plain crazy sometimes._

"Ah. Well, as someone who hears voices in his head, I can't speak to that."

"Better than seeing things that aren't there!"

"Imagine if you didn't," I said softly. "You saw what would have happened to Jasper. To Esme."

She gave me a tiny smile. "You know, I'm glad you tried to go starve yourself in the Arctic." She slipped in under my arm, latching onto my waist with a fierce hug.

I rolled my eyes, squeezing her shoulders. "You're welcome. Can we pack now?"

She was already gone. Half a second later I heard her wardrobe doors bang open and began to see visions of how many articles of clothing could physically be crammed into a Minibus.

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***flops down in exhaustion* All right, that's it! I promise I am DONE being mean to this poor family LOL! I've officially lost count of how many different ways I've beaten up my poor Edward in this story. He deserves a hug, a steaming mug of mountain lion blood, and a vacation.**

**The Epilogue is coming up next, and then it's a wrap.**


	45. Epilogue: Family Portrait

**Well everyone... this is it, the end of 1950! Even though the series isn't over yet, this story was such a huge and rewarding project in and of itself, and it feels so bittersweet to finally wrap it up. I want to thank you all again for your support, reviews, encouragement, help, and for being the best readers ever! Please take a moment at the end to review with your final comments about the epilogue and the story in general. I always appreciate it and I always reply!**

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**Without further ado, the Epilogue! Now, I don't usually bother with playlists, but I think to read this first section you HAVE to be listening to** **_Boogie Woogie Santa Claus_ ** **, sung by Mabel Scott. Just head over to YouTube and search for the title and her name. I hope you all enjoy this fun/sweet/bittersweet ending to Tale of Years: 1950.**

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**Christmas Eve 1950**

**Klamath Falls, Oregon**

"A little to the left."

I scooted the tree a centimeter closer to the window.

"No, _my_ left!" Alice shrieked over the music.

"And turn it clockwise ten degrees," Rosalie murmured from behind her magazine.

"Why don't you just bring up a vision of what it'll look like in the end?" I complained, getting a mouthful of fir needles for my trouble. It was my own fault, though; I was the idiot who had suggested getting a ten-foot Christmas tree since we had a ten-foot ceiling. I had meant it as a _joke_.

"Because it's more fun this way," Alice sniffed, delicately stringing another cranberry onto her garland. "Come on, Rosalie, you _promised_!"

Our sister sighed, laying aside her magazine. "This is ridiculous, you know," she told Alice, stringing a piece of popcorn on behind the cranberry. "We're never going to eat any of this. At least _I'm_ not." But the corner of her lips twitched up as she began to help, her eye stealing back to the magazine and the article she had been reading about Christmas décor.

"Doesn't matter!" Alice sang. "Mmm… now it's too far to the left." I growled into the branches and pulled the tree stand back half a centimeter. There.

Esme came into the living room, her arms piled high with boxes of bubble lights- another of Alice's requirements for the Perfect Christmas Tree. Jasper was lying prone on the area rug, dissecting a string of them to see what made them tick. "Oh," she said with a frown. "Wouldn't the tree look better over by the piano?"

"I give up!" I announced, extricating myself from the branches and standing up. I brushed the needles off my shirt. "Anyone who wants the tree moved from here on out can do it himself. Or _her_ self."

"But Edward," Esme protested, shuffling the boxes in her arms to keep them from falling, "I'm out of extension cords. We won't be able to plug in the lights if the tree is that far from the outlet."

I sighed in resignation, picking my way back into the center of the tree and hefting it up with one hand. I had to carefully tilt it so that it wouldn't scratch the ceiling. "Alice, I can't see anything," I called, twisting my face away from that stubborn branch that kept tickling me. "Keep looking over here, would you?" I inched my way toward the outlet, using Alice's eyes to guide me.

"Piano?" Esme said hopefully. She began opening the boxes and untangling the strings of lights.

"Absolutely not! I don't want needles falling inside it." My baby grand had _finally_ arrived yesterday. I had paid a fortune for it to be trucked over from Vermont, but it was worth it. The acoustics were even better here in our new home, what with the vaulted ceilings.

"It's just a piano," Rosalie grumbled. "It's not our fault you're spoiled rotten now, toting your precious Steinway everywhere we go."

" _I'm_ spoiled? Maybe we should put it in your precious garage," I shot back. "Was it really necessary to build it to accommodate _six_ cars, when we only have four?" She rolled her eyes, jamming a cranberry onto the needle and accidentally bending it with her fingertip. She ground her teeth, carefully straightening the needle and just as carefully guarding her thoughts. She had been doing this for the past three weeks. What had I done this time?! Alice giggled to herself, launching into a mental translation of _Romeo and Juliet_ into Gaelic.

"Not you too," I muttered. Sisters. I set the tree in its new place, frowning up at the top. This was one tree I probably shouldn't climb. "Emmett!" I called, turning the tree to find the best front. "We need you down here to help with the lights!"

 _I'll just let Alice stand on my shoulders,_ Jasper thought, setting down the string of lights he had been dissecting.

Alice gasped. "No, Jazz! Don't-"

Emmett zoomed around the corner just as Jasper sprang up from where he had been lying on the rug. They crashed together, Jasper rolling and flipping Emmett over his head in a defensive reflex. Emmett landed right on Esme at the same instant that Jasper landed on all fours, crushing the lights under his hands and grinding the broken glass and colored liquid into the cream-colored rug. Emmett threw himself into a twist as he hit Esme, trying to avoid the window that was right behind her. But he only succeeded in shoving Esme into the window instead of himself; the windowpane shattered along with the two hundred bubble lights that she had been holding. I grabbed the Christmas tree just in time and swung it away from both of them and from the flying glass splinters as they sailed through the air. The tree-top zoomed in a wide arc through the room, making Rosalie screech as it caught in her hair.

The front door clicked open. All our heads turned just in time to see the shock spread over Carlisle's face as he took in the scene. Rosalie was sitting frozen with the top of the tree- which was still leaning horizontally through the entire room- tangled in her hair. Jasper was in an attack crouch on the area rug, his teeth still bared and his head snapping automatically to the side to see who was coming in. Emmett was sprawled on his back on the floor by the window, a new gouge in the wall behind him that matched the shape of his head. Esme was perched _in_ the window, carefully lifting the torn fabric of her skirt over the shards of glass which still clung to the frame. Both of them were covered with multi-colored splotches from the broken bubble lights, as was the wall. And the brand-new cedar floorboards. _And_ the back of my shirt, and the part of the rug underneath Jasper. Through Carlisle's eyes I could see myself still holding the tree like a giant baseball bat, connected to Rosalie's hair at the other end. The record player was cheerily filling the room with _Boogie-Woogie Santa Claus_.

"What on _earth_ …" Carlisle began.

Alice popped up from the couch, looking suspiciously unscathed. "I have more lights in the attic," she chirped as she flew past Carlisle and up the stairs. "I had a feeling we were going to need them!"

.

.

.

After Esme had carefully extracted the Christmas tree from Rosalie's hair and the rest of us cleaned up the living room, we reset the record player and went on with our festivities.

We had never made much of Christmas before. The celebration of Christmas had been illegal in England for most of Carlisle's human life, and was slow to catch on in America as well, especially in the northern states. Once his coworkers began celebrating the holiday in earnest, he always offered to work that day so more of them could be at home with their families. And while Carlisle had gotten me an interesting book once or twice "for Christmas", we had never bothered much about it; I supposed my obsessive ruminations over my absent soul might have had something to do with it.

Once Esme joined us, our house began to feel more like a home. With that came renovations, decorations and more celebrations; but they were still quiet and small. She sometimes did a little holiday decorating and the three of us got in the habit of giving each other little gifts when the mood struck, whether at Christmas or otherwise. There were other days that held more meaning to our little family: my first day at a new school, Esme's first successful trip to town, their anniversary, Carlisle receiving some award at work, things like that. Rosalie's addition to our family made little difference in this regard, as did Emmett's. And once we began travelling in 1940, we had no regular schedule and would sometimes go months without observing any kind of calendar at all.

But now that Alice was here, it looked like things were about to change. She was overflowing with ideas, many of them outlandish in their magnitude. She had been buying every magazine she could find on how to properly celebrate Christmas, babbling on about traditions, décor, gifts, the tree, and music. Esme was overjoyed to finally have a daughter who tackled such things with energy and excitement, and was getting just as ridiculous as Alice; she in turn had gotten Rosalie interested, especially in the decorating. We men were utterly confused and amused by the ladies' antics, but we cheerfully took on whatever assignments we were given. At least Carlisle had convinced Alice not to decorate our _entire_ driveway with electric lights; such things were rarely done and would only draw attention to us.

We were living a few miles outside of Klamath Falls, Oregon now. It was a good-sized town that had risen up amidst a thriving lumber industry, just a few miles north of the California border and surrounded by forests. Now that our family was so large, we needed a variety of nearby hunting destinations so that we could spread out and not impact the animal population too severely. We had also begun making occasional family trips over to Idaho or down in Northern California, for even greater diversity in our prey.

It seemed our string of excitement and bad luck was over, at least for now. Jasper was doing well; his eyes were the closest to golden they had ever been. Alice had been keeping tabs on Maria, who had run out of ways to bother us and was now targeting unfortunate travelers for her prey and for the beginnings of a new army in southwest Texas. After settling here in Oregon, we had invented a new surname and laid low for a while. We ordered newspapers from both Hanover and Calgary, worriedly searching for evidence that we might still be in danger. But in both cases, it seemed the rumors were beginning to die down. Nick's body hadn't been found yet, but his hunting rifle had; he had been declared dead by bear attack. We were less clear about how things were going back in Calgary, as the investigation regarding the three deaths in Bragg Creek was still underway. There had been a couple of articles speculating about Dr. Carlisle Smith's sudden disappearance and possible links to the Bragg Creek case. But at least they seemed confined to the gossip columns, and the police had not released any statements regarding evidence that would point to a vampire as the cause of death. We were just glad we had used a false name in Calgary. We called our realtor back in Vermont and instructed him to go ahead and sell the house; we would probably never return there, or to Calgary, at least not in this century. We also wired him the money with which to send my piano. Carlisle had finally begun work at the local hospital two weeks ago, as Dr. Karl London. As always was the case with these kinds of disasters, life went on.

But we would never forget Maria's treachery. Her revenge had put both herself and all of us in lethal danger, and it had shaken us all. Jasper had wanted, initially, to take Emmett and myself down south to exact his own revenge… to ensure that Maria would never hurt us or anyone else ever again. Her reckless behavior, to say nothing of her odd northern travels, indicated that she was becoming more desperate and therefore more dangerous than ever before. But as angry as Jasper was, it was obvious that he still had no wish to murder his creator. Whether his reluctance was out of honor or loyalty, or some buried affection, he himself was unsure. Carlisle pointed out that Maria was unaware of our true name and of Alice's importance, and that we would be able to keep track of her movements from now on. But the bottom line was that it was too dangerous. Alice's visions went haywire whenever Jasper truly considered the mission, and she begged him to stay. It was unclear what exactly would go wrong, but it wasn't worth the risk. It was better for us to all stay together, anyway, especially since it would be some time before Jasper would comfortably be able to move among humans again.

His eye color was promising, though, and last week Alice had begun seeing fuzzy pictures of him sitting in school with the rest of us. For now, she had decided to stay at home with him and Esme while the rest of us went to school. She was too busy for school anyway, what with her obsessive Christmas preparations and her drawing and painting. She had had a fling with charcoal drawing for most of the autumn, and had now begun dabbling in watercolors. She hadn't Esme's natural talent in this area, but the two of them had taken to painting together for hours at a time, either outside or locked in Esme's sewing room where the rest of us wouldn't bother them.

And so we were finally beginning to relax in our new home. Tonight was the culmination of Alice's preparations, and we had all been strictly ordered to stay at home. Since our celebration would be lacking in the dinner department, and Rosalie had firmly insisted that hunting was _not_ an approved Christmas activity, Alice had made up for it with other things. We all took part in the final touches to the house: trimming the tree, hanging up the wreaths Esme and Rosalie had made, and hanging the cranberry-and-popcorn garlands inside and out. Then we all held our breaths and watched Jasper plug in the lights, hoping the house wouldn't catch on fire. Our house was immediately transformed into a swirl of soft polka-dotted rainbows, accompanied by the queer sounds of the extra electricity humming and thousands of bubble lights doing their bubbling.

I spent much of the evening at the piano, playing lively arrangements of Christmas carols and other music while the others danced, or playing the little preludes I had written for each family member as a Christmas gift. Unlike the longer, more complex pieces I had composed for each couple, these were cheerful little songs into which I had poured my admiration for each of them; there were no words, and in most cases I didn't even tell the person what the songs meant, but they understood. The festive atmosphere and the fact that our family- and I, myself- had been through and survived so much turmoil lately, was growing a new lightness in my heart. This was my way of sharing it.

For Carlisle's little piece, I had been thinking mostly about his untiring devotion to his patients, and told him so. The larger composition- the one I had begun writing for him back in 1920- would have to wait. Now that things were better between us, I had new ideas about how I wanted to complete it. That would take some time, and some thought. And besides, it seemed unfair to present him with a multi-movement sonata when everyone else was getting a two-minute prelude.

Esme's gifts were four new paintings, one for each of our bedrooms. Mine was a forested landscape, blanketed with mist and dark clouds; it took me a moment to realize that it was the Olympic National Forest, back in Washington State. Esme knew that it was my favorite so far, in terms of natural beauty and tasty wildlife. Despite the fact that we had been on guard for most of our stay there, because of the werewolves, it had felt more like home than anywhere else... to me, at least. I thanked her with an arm around her shoulders and a kiss on the cheek. She smiled up at me with mischief in her eyes, and this time I let her reach up and try to fix the stubborn lock of hair that was always out of place. It didn't work, of course.

Carlisle had something for each of us, too. Over the past few months he had encouraged all of us to start thinking about a cause or a particular charity that each of us would like to support with our newfound wealth. I still hadn't chosen mine. But each of us received a folder tonight, filled with the paperwork that explained the parameters and details of the portfolio he had invested for each of us. Most of them were under false surnames; names that we would never use in any of our regular cover stories. He had learned that lesson when we had been obliged to scramble out of White River Junction. These portfolios, and the accounts that would support them, would remain active and consistent no matter where we lived. There wasn't much money in any of them- just a few hundred dollars each- but that would soon change, if Alice had anything to say about it. Carlisle announced that we would each be the custodians of our own portfolios and the accompanying accounts. It was up to us to decide what to do with them, and with the wealth that each would return, although he mentioned again his hope that we would each use at least part of the money to fund whatever cause or charity that we decided on.

"And I'm going to trust you all to make wise financial decisions," he said in conclusion. "Alice will naturally be advising all of you on your investments, but her visions will only get you so far. Managing wealth- even in the quantities Alice is predicting- requires a great deal of discernment and research. _And_ self-control," he added, glancing at Rosalie and Emmett. Emmett nodded sheepishly. Rosalie didn't.

"Edward Masen?" I asked, looking up from my paperwork.

"You and Jasper are the only ones that will be using your true names," Carlisle explained. "Jasper, because there is virtually no chance of his financial doings being connected back to his human life, and also because he won't be using Whitlock as a surname in our cover stories. And you, because you're technically still alive."

Alice had gotten everybody clothes- what a shock. But Emmett's gift _was_ a surprise. How he had managed to do it without me hearing it- or seeing it via Alice- was a mystery. The post office had called the other day to say he had several packages waiting for him. He had run out without a word, fiercely concentrating on the lyrics to three songs he knew I hated, all mixed together at once. I had growled and begun pounding Rachmaninoff on the piano until his mind was far away. But the mystery was finally revealed: Emmett had commissioned _baseball_ uniforms, of all things, one for each member of the family. Rosalie had helped him with the sizes, and also with our new "Team Cullen" logo, which appeared on the front of the uniforms.

"It's our new family crest," she announced without preamble.

"Our what?" Carlisle asked.

Rosalie turned her uniform around on her lap to face all of us. "Emmett and I designed it together. We did some research and found a traditional crest for the name 'Cullen'… then we altered it a little." She traced her finger along the embroidery. "The lion is for strength," she began.

"And ferocity," Emmett added gaily. Rosalie shot him a look, and her finger moved down to the three shamrocks which were inside a thin banner at the bottom of the crest.

"These are called trefoils; they're used a lot in heraldry. They're shamrocks because the Cullen name is supposed to be Irish. It means our family… our lives are perpetual. We live forever." _Or we're supposed to,_ she added mentally, picturing Carlos and Paul.

"Eternity," Esme said softly, slipping her hand in Carlisle's.

"And the hand," Rosalie continued, "stands for sincerity, for the faith we have in one another."

"Loyalty," Jasper mused. She smiled at him and nodded.

"Anyway," she said briskly, folding up her uniform and looking awkwardly around at everyone, "after we designed the crest for the uniforms, I kept thinking about it, and… and you can open these now." She zipped out to the garage and returned instantly, a small pile of seven wrapped gifts in her arms. She gave each of us one to open; Carlisle's was the smallest.

It was a rare day when I got to open a gift at all, and even rarer when I didn't know what was inside. But Rosalie and Alice were both experts at keeping me out, and I tore off the red paper to find what looked like a jewelry box, the size that watches came in. I opened it and found another image of the new Cullen Family Crest, emblazoned in blue on a black medallion. It was encircled by iron embellishments and mounted on black leather. It was shaped like a bracelet, but much wider, like the cuff of a dress shirt. It had leather laces by which it could be bound. I couldn't believe it; my sister had never done anything like this before. It was thoughtful and meaningful. It was perfect.

I looked up to see that Emmett and Jasper had received gifts identical to mine, though Emmett's was larger. "Rose…" he said quietly, staring at her with more than his usual worship. _I love you so much. You don't even know._

"Yours is a ring, so you can wear it at work," Rosalie told Carlisle in a rush. He blinked, examining his ring, and then slipped it on opposite his wedding ring.

He looked back up at his daughter. "Rosalie, this is… thank you."

She looked back at him for only a second, but her eyes said enough. His mind was singing. "Go on," she told the rest of us. "Let's see how you look."

My brothers and I put on our cuff bracelets, and Rosalie came around and tied the laces for each of us in turn. She and Alice had the Crest set on necklaces, Alice's delicate and whimsical. Rosalie's necklace was bigger and quite a bit more showy. Esme's gift was a silver bracelet, with a medallion the same size as mine.

Rosalie looked around at us, fingering her new necklace. "You don't have to wear them, if you don't want to-"

"Rosalie," Carlisle interrupted, his voice unsteady. "I am going to wear this ring every day for the rest of my existence."

"As am I," I announced. "Thank you, Rosalie." There were murmurs of agreement and thanks from everyone else too.

Rosalie sat back in surprise. If she had been a human, I was sure she would have been beet red. "Well, good," she said briskly. "Because I'm going to wear mine all the time, too." She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something else but shut it again, looking at Jasper pleadingly.

"I have something too," he said, coming to her rescue. "For everyone. But it's not something you can open." He closed his eyes. A few seconds later I began to feel a warmth flowing through me, a strong sense of gratitude. A few of the others recognized the same thing.

"I was going to make it a mix," he told us after a few moments of silence. "But it would have been a muddled mess, and none of you would have been able to sort it out, because I feel so many things for you all… for my new family." He turned his arm slowly, looking down with a small smile at the cuff bracelet he would wear for years to come. _Nice to have something to wear on my arm, besides the scars. It even covers some of them._

__

He looked back up at us. "I feel love. I won't pretend to have the same feelings that Alice has, but mine run deep as well. So much has changed for me in the past two years, and sometimes I feel… overwhelmed. But if I know anything, it's my own heart; you all have carved a place in it, even though I had thought it dead with scars. I feel devotion, and loyalty, and fondness, and fun, and pride… well, it was too much to mix all together. So this is my gratitude, because more than anything I am grateful to all of you. I am grateful for the way you inspired Alice for all those years and kept her company, without even knowing it. I'm grateful that you were able to teach Alice about feeding on animals, so that she could save me from the suffering I lived with for so long. I'm grateful for the hospitality you offered us, and the second chance right after that. I'm grateful for the way you included us in everything, for the way you quickly accepted us as part of the family. I'm…" he paused, collecting his own emotions. "I'm grateful for your patience, with me. I'm grateful for your faith in me, even when I don't have faith in myself. I'm grateful to you all for being my family, and for what that word has come to mean to me… for what each of you have come to mean to me. And lately, I have been grateful for your loyalty, and your protection. But most of all…" he paused again, smiling down at Alice, who laid her hand on his bracelet. "Most of all I'm grateful to Carlisle, for making all of that possible." He gave his new leader a focused look, and some private emotion. Carlisle simply smiled back and nodded. Jasper nodded back at him a moment later, acknowledging whatever his answering emotion was.

"Well," Rosalie said, interrupting the exchange, "that's about everything I wanted to say, too." We all laughed quietly and she smiled, settling herself deeper in Emmett's arms. He picked up the medallion on her necklace, giving it a kiss.

"Wait," Esme said loudly. "If we're finished with our gifts, what are those?" She pointed to the tree, which still had about two dozen wrapped gifts underneath.

"Oh!" Alice exclaimed, bouncing up off the couch. "I had almost forgotten. They're from the Denalis. Not gifts, but I thought I'd wrap them up anyway to complete the picture." She knelt down by the pile, tossing the packages over her shoulder to the appropriate recipients.

"Careful!" I hissed as she tossed me a box. I opened it to find what I had expected: my human mother's jewelry box. These packages were the same ones we had sent the Denalis back in early October, when we had hurried out of Vermont with nothing but our cars and the two trailers. We had sent them most of our valuables, unsure where we would be settling and how long we would be travelling; we had been planning to end up in Denali and get them there, but we had ended up in Calgary along the way. They had just been about to mail them to us when the Maria thing had happened, and so they held onto them until we were reasonably sure we would be staying here in Oregon for the normal length of time.

I ran my hand gently over the ornate lid of the jewelry box, thinking of the diamond in my pocket. But I set it aside, eagerly opening another box to find my journals. I had a lot to catch up on; so much had happened since I had packed them away.

We were all relieved to be reunited with those things that we treasured most. Esme had her photo album out, and was dreaming up new things she would like to photograph us all doing. Rosalie was fingering her jewelry and wondering which earrings would go best with her new necklace. Jasper took his uniform out of its tissue paper and went briefly upstairs to hang it up in his and Alice's closet. Carlisle was reverently turning the pages of his father's Bible. He began quietly reading the Christmas story aloud, for any who cared to listen. In all honesty, most of us didn't. But we would never hurt him by scoffing his faith, and on this day of all days, even those words which weren't meant for our kind had the ring of comfort.

We all quieted and drifted to our own hobbies after that, but it was decided, without needing to say it aloud, that we would spend the night all together in the living room. Carlisle rose after his Bible reading and built a crackling fire in the huge fireplace; our first since moving here. Alice set up her easel right in the hallway and began painting the scene that we created: Carlisle silently reading his Bible, Esme studying the manual to the new camera that Kate had sent her, Emmett and Rosalie tucked in one corner of the couch and whispering together until they pretended to fall asleep. I was curled up in the other corner of the couch, catching up on my journaling. Jasper sat motionless on the floor with his back against the couch, watching Alice paint and soaking in all of our peaceful emotions.

It began to snow around two in the morning. I silently packed away my journals and went to the piano, quietly putting to music the peace that I felt and the beauty of the snowflakes as they fell, warmed to golden by the flickering light of our fire inside. The broken window still gaped open, so that the breeze of the snowstorm- for it was falling fast and thick now- made the fire dance.

The sun rose to find the world covered in a blanket of white. The wind had died down an hour before, giving way to another gentle snowfall which left every branch and twig puffy with snow. The birds zipped around restlessly, and since we were all so still and quiet inside, a few of them darted in through the open window and began snacking on the cranberries and popcorn that laced the Christmas tree. Rosalie and Emmett didn't even notice; they were deep in their pretended sleep. Sometime during the night Esme had gotten up and tucked a blanket around them both.

 _Four… three… two… one…_ "Merry Christmas!" Alice cried suddenly. The birds fluttered madly in their sudden fear, escaping out the window just as the sun burst out from behind a cloud; my sister's timing was as impeccable as always. Emmett tore the blanket off himself and Rosalie and jumped to his feet.

"Sledding!" he announced in his deep, booming voice. The ladies went upstairs and returned wearing their jeans, and we were soon laughing and shrieking as we raced down a nearby slope. Our sleds were nothing more than big squares of cardboard, torn from our moving boxes. Hopefully we wouldn't be needing them anytime soon.

We spent most of the morning sledding. It was surprisingly difficult to climb back up the side of the hill every time; even vampires can slip and stumble when they trudge uphill through two feet of fresh snow. Alice had a particularly difficult time, being so short. Jasper finally took to carrying her on his shoulders, and Emmett ditched the whole thing in preference of swinging his way up through the trees.

Our sleds eventually began to disintegrate. Esme called us all back down to the house, saying that she wanted us all to change into fresh clothes. She was ready to try out her new camera.

"We haven't taken a family picture since Rosalie and Emmett got married," she said. "Now that our family is grown I think it's time for a new one. And Christmas seems like the perfect day for it."

I shook the snow out of my hair and leapt up to go in through my bedroom window. I smiled to see my clothes already laid out on my couch; courtesy of Alice, no doubt. I was gradually losing the right to _ever_ pick out my own clothing, but I honestly didn't care anymore. It made her so happy, and I couldn't care less what I wore anyway. As long as I was spared the torture of any and all future shopping trips, we had a deal.

Esme set up her tripod outside; the hills of the Upper Klamath National Wildlife Refuge would be the backdrop for the portrait. Alice came out last, wearing a brand-new blue dress and smiling to herself. _You realize what this is, don't you Edward?_ she thought happily.

"What?"

_You'll see._

Esme's new camera had a gadget on it called a self-timer. This meant she could tell it to wait a few seconds before taking the picture. "Ten seconds," she announced, pushing a button and then scampering to stand by Carlisle and the rest of us.

The couples were glued together, naturally. I stood on the left end with Carlisle and Esme on the right end, looking at us all with love in their eyes. As Jasper bent down to kiss the top of Alice's hair, I understood. Alice caught my eye then, her smile wide and sparkling along with her sunlit face. I smiled back at her and nodded slightly.

This was the Family Portrait, her very first vision of us from thirty years ago. A few things had changed since its inception: Esme had on a different dress, Jasper's eyes were a bit darker, and we all wore the Crest. But it seemed Alice had found her long-awaited blue dress when she was out shopping the other day, and we were all wearing the smiles that she had been waiting so long to see up close.

"Time!" Esme whispered behind her smile. We all drew closer together and turned just in time to hear the shutter click.

.

.

.

We all drifted apart to our own pursuits after that. Alice was chattering excitedly to Carlisle about her Family Portrait vision being fulfilled. Esme was down in her new darkroom in the basement, nervously making her first attempt at developing a picture. Alice knew it would work; she now had a new vision of the Family Portrait, framed and hanging over the couch. Rosalie and Emmett had disappeared into the woods for some time alone, and Jasper was trying to get the rainbow of stains out of the living room rug.

I was upstairs in my room. I rearranged my bookcase, deciding to have my journals fill the middle shelf. I had so many of them now; a normal amount for any forty-nine-year old, I supposed, but they would soon be overflowing to a second shelf, and another... and another.

I sat down on my couch, gently opening my mother's jewelry box. It was ironic how this was my most treasured possession, seeing as how it contained nothing I would ever wear myself. My new cuff bracelet was too large to fit inside it, and besides, I intended to make good on my promise to Rosalie. I turned my arm, looking proudly down at the Crest that would stay on my wrist for the rest of my existence. The cuff and medallion themselves were not eternal; they would wear with time, and no doubt be destroyed one day during a playfight with my brothers. But no matter how often I had to replace it, I would always wear it. I lifted my wrist to my nose, taking in the new scents of leather and iron that would now be a permanent part of _my_ scent.

I took the diamond heart out of my pocket. I held it next to the medallion on my wrist, trying to imagine what her version of the Crest might be, someday. A bracelet, like Esme's? A delicate necklace, like Alice's?

If there _was_ a someday.

For one foolish moment, I considered what it might look like for the diamond to be somehow added to my cuff bracelet. Rosalie or Alice could redesign it somehow, so that the diamond would be securely bound to the medallion. Maybe the iron embellishments could encircle it somehow. My heart on my sleeve, literally, as I waited. Then I would never have to put it away.

But it really would look ridiculous, considering the size of the diamond. And Emmett would make fun of me, and it really was folly to risk the diamond being lost that way. My fight with Paul had taught me that I needed to stop carrying it in my pocket like it was loose change. And… I needed to put it away, for my own sake. It was time.

I knew that it wasn't _wrong_ to hope. But it did hurt, in a way. The thought of putting the diamond away, possibly forever, hurt more; but I knew that it would be easier in the long run. My hand crept up to my chest, to feel the emptiness there. Not pain; very rarely did it _truly_ hurt to be alone. Some days, it did. But for the most part, my life was complete. Alice's Family Portrait vision had been fulfilled, and it showed that I had my family. On days like this, where we felt safe and at peace, and were enjoying our eternity together – even celebrating it- I didn't even think to wish for more. And really, I _shouldn't_ wish for more. I saw that now.

I might truly be alone forever, in which case my hope would never bring anything but disappointment. That, or our meeting was so far off, so uncertain that Alice hadn't seen even a flicker of it yet. If that was true, it was likely that she hadn't even been born yet, or was too young to make any decisions that would drive her future into my path anytime soon. It meant that I had a long time to wait. But more importantly, it meant that she was still human. Or that she had a human life ahead of her, once she entered the world. I _wanted_ that for her, I realized now. If I held any sort of love for her already, and I did, how could I want anything for her but that? How could I hope for her human future to change course, for whatever tragedy to befall her that involved her change? How could I wish for her soul to be destroyed?

I couldn't.

It wasn't that she would necessarily be unhappy, here in this existence with me. There were hard times, to be sure; we had had more than our fair share of them in the past year. But by and large, our existence was better than any of us could ever have hoped for. So many things about our family were human, or so close that we could squint and pretend. We all completed each other, and I couldn't deny the deep happiness and contentment that I saw in the others, due to that completion they had found in their mates. If I did find my love someday, I knew I would be eternally grateful and cherish the gift of her existence in every way I could conceive of. I hoped that I would be enough for her, despite my flaws. I would worship her and spoil her, and watch her with growing love as the years passed… as we travelled eternity together.

But I didn't want that eternity for her. I wanted her to have a _real_ life, and whatever paradise was waiting for her afterward. I wanted her to have all the things that I could never give her. Warmth. Sleep, and its dreams. Children. Grandchildren. The ability to grow, to change. Even old age, with its dim eyesight and its aches and pains, and that final rest that began to call at the end. The wrinkles borne from years of smiles, and the wisdom borne from years of living. _That_ was what she was meant to have, because if she was everything I hoped she was, then she wasn't meant to be sentenced to this other existence. Journals weren't meant to fill more than two shelves. Families weren't meant to move and change identities every five years… or even more often, when disaster struck. Mothers weren't meant to hold on to their children forever. Adolescent rebellions weren't meant to involve mass murder. Diamonds weren't meant to mingle with ashes.

She wasn't meant to be with me.

I dug my fingers into the contents of the jewelry box, lifting them out to reveal the velvet living. I found the dent in the one corner, where the diamond had been wedged for so many years. I raised the diamond to my lips and kissed my hope goodbye, finally feeling a surge of real pain in my chest as I did so. I laid the diamond against the velvet, in exactly the same place as before. I touched its smooth surface one last time, seeing in my reflection the golden eyes that I wanted to see on my true love's face. That I never wanted to see.

I covered the diamond with the other jewelry and quickly closed the lid before I could change my mind. I closed my eyes, waiting as the pain in my chest burned for another moment. But then I heard Esme's laughter coming from downstairs; Rosalie and Emmett had just gotten home and Alice had convinced everyone that the next step in our celebration was to play charades. Emmett was doing a commendable impression of a bear he had fought last week. The pain in my chest eased; alone or not, I was complete. I laid the jewelry box on top of my bureau and went downstairs to join my family.

* * *

**THE END**


	46. 2003!

**You've all been so patient, and the time has finally come... I just posted the first chapter of Tale of Years: 2003!**

**Enjoy! :)**


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